Chapter Text
June eighteenth.
It has been fifty days since Chuuya received his soulmate mark. Fifty days that Dazai should’ve spent without Chuuya, yet somehow the ginger was still by his side every hour of the day.
And now, it was surely over.
Chuuya had defied the soulmate system out of fear of change and initially Dazai didn’t understand why.
Why was Chuuya afraid? He was going to receive the identity of his soulmate, his life partner, while Dazai would be left in anonymity. Even worse, Chuuya would fawn over his soulmate, while Dazai wallows in unrequited love.
This was not the outcome he had foreseen.
He and Chuuya still clung to each other just as they had as children, except now they were becoming young adults. They were growing up, and there was nothing they could do about it.
To make things worse, tonight is supposed to be Dazai’s eighteenth birthday celebration.
Tonight everything ends, definitively.
For a moment, Dazai wonders if this soulmate of his is someone whom he has already met. Someone who he will meet in the near future, perhaps.
Regardless, no soulmate would come close to Chuuya.
Chuuya, who knew the identity of his life partner, and refused them. He didn’t want them.
Instead, he spent his time with Dazai. His every waking hour he confined himself to Dazai’s side, and even in slumber if they weren’t sleeping in each other's rooms, they’d stay on video calls until the early morning.
He recalls waking early before school, to see the face of his best friend in undisturbed sleep. Dazai stayed on without saying anything, staring at Chuuya’s peaceful expression. Pretending to come back into his room once Chuuya began to stir, he nearly gaped at the ethereal scene of sunlight threading through Chuuya’s hair, painting the already ginger with streaks of gold.
They’d walk to and from school as they usually did, but even on campus they were tied at the hip. More than usual, as some may say.
“Dazai-san, I thought you didn’t like Nakahara-san?” Atsushi had once asked him. He almost worried about the wasted time. He spent so much of his life convincing the world that he loathed the red-head, that no one would ever know just how much he utterly adored him.
If Chuuya asked Dazai for a drink, he’d be rushing to the vending machines.
If Chuuya asked Dazai for the homework, he’d do it for him.
If Chuuya asked Dazai for his heart, he’d rip his own from his chest and hand it to the other on a silver platter.
Chuuya he never had to worry about trusting. Chuuya was someone he never had to second guess. He remembers when he used to psychoanalyse every single person who had tried to befriend him, even in younger grades, to the point where kids would cry and run away, calling him a freak.
This provoked the young Chuuya to start chasing them with slugs he had pulled straight out of the ground, throwing them at the girls who’d squeal and bawl. Somehow he had never gotten caught, thanks to his good reputation as the school ‘angel’.
When Chuuya had first come to Japan, he had been raised by two parents who taught him to do no wrong. Brought up in a household where deliberate disrespect and ill actions on others resulted in discipline, such as extra chores or a cut off allowance, Chuuya seeked adventure.
And adventure happened to show up on his doorstep when they were nine years old. Some kid had made fun of Dazai for something . He tried not to let it get to him, but Chuuya could see he was distressed.
Sweet, sweet Chuuya.
Immediately coming to his rescue, Chuuya threatened to take the kids eye out with the pair of scissors they’d been using for their cut-and-paste task.
The kid wailed continuously, begging for any teacher or other student to come to his aid and cease the potential murderer who had been happily chopping away at the popcorn cutouts.
No one believed him, partially because barely anyone saw the dispute but also because Chuuya was well liked by their classmates. Dazai, not-so-much for his antisocial behaviour, or general distaste for other people. Chuuya however never left Dazai’s side back then.
And he was still here now.
He would always be there, that’s what he had thought. He had promised he would always be there.
But when they pinky swore so many years ago to remain by each other's side, under the same tree where they had first officially met- either boy had considered the future and how that would play into their relationship.
Neither boy predicted that one would fall in love so soon.
Especially not with the other.
And yet Dazai had been foolish enough to fall in love with his best friend. His precious Chuuya, who fought tooth and nail for him over the years just to make sure he’d never see Dazai cry. The same Chuuya who did everything in his power to keep Dazai happy, to stay by Dazai’s side, to jump to his aid the moment he seemed the least bit upset.
No amount of ‘I hate you’s and ‘You’re horrible’s could take back the evident fondness Chuuya had for Dazai.
But it’s over for them. It’s finally over.
Nothing ever lasts forever.
Maybe if he knew this all those years ago, he would have tried to stop himself from being dragged towards this magnetic force of a human being.
Chuuya was the sun itself, and Dazai like a moth had flown to him. Yet he had gotten too close, and now he would burn as punishment.
osamu!! : WHREAR E YU!!>>!!!!
osamu!! : YOU FUDUDFKDNIGN BTICHH
chuuya <3 : shut the fuck up im comin
osamu!! : you---you’re what????
chuuya <3 : on the verge of fucking blocking you thats what
osamu!! : what!!!! You’d dare block me on the brink of my eighteenth birthday?!!! Such a meanie!!
chuuya <3 : yeah then i can unblock you as a present
osamu!! : chuuya…. :(((
osamu!! : how long until you get heeereeeeee
chuuya <3 : uhahah
chuuya <3 : i dont think i can make it actually
osamu!! : WHAT
osamu!! : !??!E2hquijuh FUKCINIG??? HUH????
He could physically feel his heart fall into his stomach. It was like he’d had the wind kicked out of him. Chuuya had a way of stealing the breath right from Dazai’s chest with words alone, but it had never been like this.
Chuuya isn’t coming tonight.
Chuuya isn’t coming to Dazai’s fucking birthday.
Anger boils inside his chest.
osamu!! : wtf do you mean you’re not coming
chuuya <3 : read what i said asshole
chuuya <3 : i cant make it
osamu!! : why
chuuya <3 : wdym why i dont have to tell you
He wasn’t actually doing this, right? Not right now. For the love of everything dear to him not right fucking now.
osamu!! : are you actually fucking serious i literally came to yours
chuuya <3 : ik
chuuya <3 : but that was months ago im sorry ok but i cant come tonight
osamu!! : chuuya
osamu!! : i have one fucking birthday
osamu!! : one eighteenth fucking birthday
osamu!! : and youre saying you arent even going to fuckign come to it
chuuya <3 : dazai its not that big of a deal jeez
osamu!! : YES IT IS
He’s angry at Chuuya. He never gets angry at Chuuya. But- he’s being so- insensitive. Chuuya’s never insensitive. He’s always been a down to earth person, considerate of everyone’s feelings. But right now he wasn’t considering Dazai’s. Infact, it was almost like he didn’t care.
chuuya <3 : its ONE birthday its not the end of the world
osamu!! : what the hell is wrong with you chuuya oh my god
chuuya <3 : dude
chuuya <3 : theres gonna be other people there ok its just me thats not coming
osamu!! : JUST YOU??
osamu!! you make it sound like you dont even wanna fucking be here
chuuya <3 : thats not true oml
chuuya <3 : can you just sotp taking it so personally
Why are you acting like this?
How can he not take it personally? It’s Chuuya. The reason he breathes, the reason he gets out of bed in the morning. The person who’s been by his side all his life. And here he is abruptly telling him last minute that he isn’t going to attend Dazai’s birthday celebration.
There are tears in his eyes, he can feel them.
He’s holding back tears.
Tears that are forming because of Chuuya.
Chuuya is making him cry.
“-and if anyone makes you sad, I promise I’ll make sure they pay for it!” the young voice of a child who sounds all too familiar echoes in his mind.
Where have you gone?
So much has changed in these last months. So much.
I don’t even recognize you anymore.
And Dazai, the defensive Dazai who uses deflection and manipulation as a defence mechanism recoils. He does the one thing he’s good at.
Like a snake, he uses his forked tongue to strike.
osamu!! : are you mad
osamu!! : because im going to get my soulmate or some shit like that?
chuuya <3 : what
chuuya <3 : no what the fuck
osamu!! : you are
osamu!! : just because you didnt want your fucking soulmate doesnt mean you have to be such a fucking prick about me getting mine
osamu!! : is that why youre so fucking unhappy
osamu!! : you think i'm gonna leave?? right? You said you didn't want things to change
osamu!! : grow up chuuya ffs
chuuya <3 : what the hell are you talking about
He projects his own emotions onto Chuuya. The Chuuya who he can’t even be sure is really the one saying all this, because of how bizarre it seems for the child he grew up with to really just switch on him.
Fat tears swell and roll down his cheeks as he types out each sentence, trying to cut deeper and deeper.
I will push you away so that you will never let anyone hurt you like this.
osamu!! : you’re fucking scared admit it
chuuya <3 : dazai thats not true stop it
osamu!! : if it isn’t true then why are you fuckng ditching me
osamu!! : i didn’t do that to you
osamu!! : are you that bad of a fucking friend that you can’t even be the least bit happy for me tomorrow
Stop lying to him.
He wants to stop, he does. But he can’t.
He’s so angry with Chuuya, he’s furious. He doesn’t understand why Chuuya can’t be there at the end.
The end of us.
Chuuya isn’t a bad friend, he knows that. Chuuya’s been the best to him, to everyone.
Why are you saying this?
If you’re so scared of losing him, why are you doing this to him? To yourself?
chuuya <3 : dazai i swear i’ll make it up to you
osamu!! : it’s too fucking late for that
osamu!! : don’t bother
chuuya <3 : dazai
He pulls himself away from his phone, to keep himself from saying anything to further break what's already been shattered. He can hear the notifications repeating over and over again, with messages that must be from Chuuya.
A part of him believes that he’s over-exaggerating. He’s been excessively emotional over the last few months, and now he was letting it seriously affect and potentially even ruin his relationship with his best friend.
He lets out a sob, trying to keep his hand over his mouth to avoid alerting his sister Elise who was likely playing with her school friend, Kyouka, downstairs. She didn’t need to know he was crying, less why.
But it’s not fair. He was there for Chuuya on his birthday, when he found out who his soulmate was. When he found out Chuuya didn’t want his soulmate.
Chuuya didn’t even try to explain why he wasn’t attending, he just said he wouldn’t be there and that was it. He said things like he didn’t even care, telling Dazai to stop taking it personally, that he didn’t need to know why.
And Dazai had said things he didn’t mean, and now Chuuya is going to hate him.
The notifications stop, and Dazai turns on his phone to read them from the lockscreen.
chuuya <3
dazai
chuuya <3
dazai
chuuya <3
osamu please
chuuya <3
don’t ignore me
chuuya <3
please
chuuya <3
dazai please answer
2 missed call(s) from chuuya <3
chuuya <3
Dazai please just answer the phone
Guilt consumes him, alongside anger. He’s so angry at Chuuya but he’s so sorry that he’s making him worry. He wants to answer him, but he’s worried that if he does he’ll say more things he doesn’t mean, and only make things worse.
Forgive me, Chuuya.
The night approaches quickly, and guests flood the house. Family and friends fill the Dazai residence left and right, including Kouyou and Paul, yet their younger brother is nowhere in sight.
He considers saying hi to them, but decides he’ll avoid them in case Chuuya told them what’s happening.
Six years older than Chuuya, and Dazai’s seen the nineteen year old Paul Verlaine tower over the brats who had called the thirteen year old Chuuya homophobic slurs in middle school.
It’s safe to say those boys were anything but.
Dazai drifted from person to person, not because he was social like Chuuya was, but mainly because everyone wanted to talk to him. To ask him who he thinks his soulmate is going to be.
“Who do you want it to be?” Tanizaki wonders harmlessly.
And yet Dazai can only dare to dream.
Everyone is so excited to see him, and yet Dazai only has one person on his mind the entire night.
Where are you?
Why can’t you be here with me right now?
Why now?
The clock reads eleven o’four, and Dazai’s already tired. They manage to send everyone home before the Dazai family (along with Chuuya’s siblings and parents) engage in board and card games, along with snacks and story-telling. No one seems to mention Chuuya’s absence, but Dazai can tell it’s the topic on the tip of everyone's tongue.
At eleven forty nine, he excuses himself from the family group, who all are either prepared to go home or head to bed.
He slowly climbs the stairs, his body feeling heavier than usual. He hasn’t talked to Chuuya since…
Dazai I swear I’ll make it up to you
It’s too fucking late for that
He finds himself concluding the day with his back against the headboard of his bed, the only light in his room coming from the full moon outside, beaming in through the open curtains. He can see the clock on his desk from where he sits, staring into the room reflecting on the past years.
Tonight, everything is over.
Eleven fifty one
Two naive children, five years old, sitting under the tree in the schoolyard promising their lives to each other.
Eleven fifty two
Two naive children, seven years old, holding each others hands as they walk down the hallway to ask Chuuya’s mom to turn the lights in the kitchen on.
Eleven fifty three
Two naive children, ten years old, building snow dogs and snow chibis to harass each other. Crafting snow-forts with the help of their older siblings, engaging in snowball fights.
Eleven fifty four
Two naive teenagers, thirteen years old, trying to bury Dazai’s brother in the sand at the beach. They laugh as the eighteen year old tries to pull himself out of the sand, eventually enlisting the help of Chuuya’s brother and sister as the two teenagers continue cackling at the sight.
A tear runs down Dazai’s cheek at the fond memory. He can remember the day perfectly. He can remember all of them.
Every memory he’s ever had with Chuuya, he can remember every detail of.
He wants to remember Chuuya forever, because he doesn’t know how to live without him.
Eleven fifty six
One naive teenager realises he’s fallen in love with his best friend, he can’t remember how old he was when he did, but the feelings are there nonetheless.
Eleven fifty seven
One naive teenager finds himself between fear and love as he’s enveloped in the embrace of his best friend, they lay together in bed until the sun rises.
He remembers the first time Chuuya held him in his arms, when they were seventeen. Chuuya would never know just how much it meant to him.
Eleven fifty eight
Two broken teenagers face what’s supposed to be the end, narrowly avoiding the painful reality. They both know this is not forever. They are no longer naive.
A fact he had learned long ago, and one he will be forced to face.
He can’t let out any cries as the tears continue to pour in silence. Streaming down his face now, he loses focus of his bedroom, wishing he were somewhere else.
He wishes he were in Chuuya’s arms.
Eleven fifty nine
One boy stands at the doorway of the other's bedroom, and his heart almost shatters at the sight of what he tried to leave behind. His best friend, his first and only love, crying alone, moments before the nineteenth of June.
He raises his hand to the door frame giving it a gentle knock. The other realises he’s there, and in a panic, tries to wipe his eyes.
“Ch-uuya! I- I thought you weren’t-” He frantically rubs at his eyes and cheeks with his palms, unsure if he’s really seeing things right.
The boy in the doorway steps into the room, shutting the door behind him. “I didn’t…plan to. But- it wouldn’t be fair. I couldn’t do that to you, not after everything you’ve done for me.”
And suddenly Dazai’s reminded why he loves Chuuya so much. He loves him to the point where it’s suffocating, and sometimes he wishes he could choke on that love until there's nothing left of him.
“I was horrible to you.” Is the only thing he can muster.
Chuuya shakes his head, “And I was going to do something horrible.”
I wasn’t going to show up.
He takes a seat at Dazai’s side but not too close, looking down at his hands in his lap.
Dazai isn’t sure how much time there is left.
“Please,” Chuuya starts, his voice meek and quiet, unusual for him, “don’t hate me.”
Before Dazai can further ask him what he’s talking about, the numbers on the digital clock change to read twelve am, and immediately Dazai feels a humming in his wrist. Blood rushes through his veins and letters are written in stardust.
Excitement courses through his blood and he’s so afraid.
He closes his eyes, and takes a deep breath.
“Is it done?” He asks, just as he feels the fuzzing begin to fade.
“Well I can’t read it, dumbass.” Chuuya mumbles.
“Right.” Dazai simply pouts. He opens his eyes and looks down. Immediately, the breath is taken from him once more and his whole world comes to a halt.
N.C, and there’s no doubt who it is.
For months, Dazai has dreaded this day, he’s dreaded the initials that he’d receive. He longed for his best friend, who all this time he believed was out of reach. And yet here he stares at his wrist, which displays the initials of none-other than Nakahara fucking Chuuya, the one person Dazai has wanted more than anything .
And Chuuya looks so ashamed of himself, he won’t even look at Dazai.
“ -Everything is ruined, Dazai. I don’t want them to be my…”
I don’t want them to be my soulmate.
I don’t want you.
Chuuya didn’t want Dazai to be his soulmate, he wanted to be his best friend and nothing more. That’s why he reacted like that on that night.
He knew it was possible for a person's soulmate to be someone they weren’t in love with.
But he never thought the universe would be this cruel.
“I’m sorry!” Chuuya spits out. “I wanted to tell you- I did- but- you-”
I don’t want you.
Rejection never really hurt him, his advances on girls were never genuine.
But this- this was something else.
Chuuya had torn his heart in two, and Dazai couldn’t even blame him.
Why on earth would someone like Chuuya ever love someone like him?
“It’s you Dazai, I couldn’t-”
I don’t want you.
“It’s fine, Chuuya.” His voice is flat, melancholic.
“What? No- Dazai it’s not!” Chuuya pleads for Dazai to let him speak. But the brunette cuts him off.
I don’t know if I can bear to listen anymore.
“I think it’s best if you leave.” He says, and Chuuya’s expression is gobsmacked.
“No, no, why would I leave? Dazai you don’t understand!”
And Dazai snaps.
“And just what is there for me to understand Chuuya? I think I understand perfectly! You don’t want me! You made that clear the day you got the initials!”
“What?! No- No it isn’t like that at all! Dazai you’re misunderstanding this, please listen to me!” He’s never heard Chuuya sound so desperate before and it aches to hear the boy he loves call his name like it's the only way he’ll ever listen to him.
Because in truth, Dazai would do anything for Chuuya.
Including staying back if Chuuya really didn’t want him.
“Chuuya, just- just leave.” He’s tired. He’s so tired.
But Chuuya doesn’t go anywhere, instead, he grabs Dazai’s face in his palms, forcing him to look at his best friend. And only then does Dazai see the tears that have been making their way down Chuuya’s face the entire time. Chuuya holds his face like he’s the only thing that matters, and Dazai wishes he wouldn’t.
“I do want you, Dazai. I always have! I just…” He sighs, looking down and then back at Dazai, blue eyes staring into brown.
“I’ve been in love with you for years , Dazai. I can’t remember how long, but sometimes it feels like forever. When your initials appeared on my wrist- I didn’t know what to do . You seemed so occupied with everything else in your life, and you never looked at me the way I looked at you.”
It’s everything Dazai wants to hear, and like a weak man, he crumbles. “I didn’t tell you because I was scared , Dazai. Because I-, I thought that you wouldn’t-”
That you wouldn’t want me.
“I thought that being friends was the closest you’d let me, and I was content with that. I’d grown to be okay with having you at arm's length. So when your letters appeared on my wrist, I was horrified.” He says through a shaky breath. “I didn’t want things to change, because I believed that you didn’t feel that way at all.”
Dazai watches Chuuya with baited breath, “I thought you’d be disgusted, or you’d hate me- or you’d just want to stay friends, and if I didn’t die from heartbreak then embarrassment would do just as well right?”
Chuuya earns a chuckle from that, a good sign. He lets his hands drop down to his sides and looks away from Dazai in embarrassment and shame, and Dazai decides that simply won’t do.
“I,” he starts, “have loved you since the day I first met you.”
The red-head snaps to look up at him, staring with utmost confusion.
“That’s what I believe.” He breathes through his nose as he speaks, the room is silent.
“And I have dreamed of you for as long as I can remember. From day one, it has always been you, Chuuya.”
Chuuya gapes at him, starstruck, like those were the words he’d been waiting for his entire life.
(They were)
“So don’t cry, okay? That’s so un-Chuuya-like. I have wanted you more than anything, and I am willing to wait for you. You could need five- ten years worth of more time, and I'd still be here by your side waiting for you. You are everything to me, Chibi, and you’re honestly an idiot if you can’t see that.”
A light punch in his arm, followed by a chuckle signal that they are in the clear. And yet, Chuuya manages to surprise Dazai once again as he threads his hands through brown hair, before bringing them to rest on his cheeks. Chuuya tilts his head upwards and Dazai closes his head in understanding. They meet in the middle with a soft touch of lips, only for a moment, but it’s there, and it means something. It’s shy, and it’s sweet, but it’s loving and it’s gentle. There's fireworks, and there’s exploding stars. There’s so much love and Dazai wants to drown in it.
Ten past twelve, two boys fallen in love find each other on the edge of the end, and manage to pull each other back from the ledge. Fifteen years have passed, and they’ve found each other at last.
“You don’t have to wait, ‘Samu. I’m right here.”
The next morning, Dazai and Chuuya arrive at school late as usual, bickering and belittling each other on their way to their shoe lockers.
If their hands are intertwined and they seem to be caught up in their own world, no one says anything.