Chapter Text
It was late by the time Hinata finally got to head home.
Ukai had explained to him in excruciating detail how food turned into energy, and why he needed it if he wanted to play volleyball (or otherwise function). Apparently, he had gone to school for sports medicine before dropping out and taking over the family store.
Takeda had gone through all the information he’d learned through his various training courses. Apparently, all of his teachers were equipped to talk to students about eating disorders and set them up with counseling appointments. It had been stressful. Hinata didn’t think he had an eating disorder, and he certainly didn’t think he needed a counselor.
Suga and Daichi, however, had been tremendously supportive. Suga had been so kind, rubbing his back slowly when his breathing picked up. Meanwhile, Daichi kept saying “Give him a minute, give him a minute,” whenever everything started to feel like too much.
Kageyama had stayed silent.
Silent, but present. Even now, he was still with Hinata. Usually, they parted ways at the corner, but they were at least a couple blocks past that now.
Hinata sniffled. “Are you going home?” he asked, rubbing his nose on the back of his jacket sleeve. His face felt puffier than usual from crying. His eyes were swollen into slits.
Kageyama shrugged. “I mean... not yet.”
Hinata made a keening noise at that. He didn’t know if he wanted to be alone or not. On the one hand, he was overwhelmed and didn’t think he could make it the whole way home without crying again. He had already embarrassed himself in front of Kageyama enough today. On the other hand, crying alone was awful, and he didn’t know if he could walk by himself knowing that when he got home he had to face his mother.
His phone already showed twelve missed calls from her.
It took half an hour to ride his bike up the mountain after a full practice. Walking his bike took twice as long, but Hinata and Kageyama still managed to make it over two-thirds of the way to Hinata’s house without talking.
Kageyama just walked next to him with his hands stuffed in his pockets.
Eventually, the quiet grew to be too much for Hinata. “Why are you still here?” he asked. “Don’t you have somewhere else to be?”
“No,” Kageyama answered bluntly. “I wanna make sure you’re okay.”
“Well, of course, I’m okay,” Hinata said, a little hysterical. “Everyone keeps acting like I’m about to jump in front of traffic, or off a bridge, or something. I don’t get why everyone is freaking out.”
“Because it’s scary,” Kageyama said.
Hinata wrinkled his nose. His throat clenched closed as he tried to keep his tears at bay. “But it’s not scary. None of you cared before when I told you about throwing up or went to the bathroom with an upset stomach. Most of you laughed. Why does it matter now?”
Kageyama sputtered. “Because now you’re doing it on purpose.” His cheeks turned pink and he turned away. “No one wants to see you hurting yourself, dumbass.”
Hinata quieted at that.
His mouth stayed glued shut the rest of the way home. His knuckles were white around his handlebars, excluding the red fresh scabs on his left hand.
Kageyama dropped him off at his house and watched him go up to his front stop. Hinata turned to face him before opening his door. “You’ll... You’ll be around tomorrow, right?” he asked. He didn’t think he could face the team asking him questions about what had happened that required their captains, coach, and advisor to step out of practice.
Kageyama nodded. “I’ll be around,” he promised. Hinata took a shaky breath.
“Okay,” he said. “See you soon.”
“See you soon,” Kageyama said, unmoving. Hinata ended up having to be the one to break the eye contact as he turned to face the door. He sighed. Now he had to figure out how to talk to his mom.
“Nii-chan?”
Hinata rolled over on his mattress to face his sister. It wasn’t even eight, and he was already tired enough to fall asleep. His head ached from crying. “What?” he whispered, too exhausted to raise his voice.
“Are you gonna be okay?” Natsu asked. Her eyes shone, even in the dark.
No, Hinata wanted to answer. Apparently, he had been hurting himself. Everyone was acting like he was one step away from death –even Kageyama had been panicked- and their nerves were starting to rub off on him.
He hadn’t realized what he had been doing was that bad. Honestly, Hinata had thought it was good for him. It was the only thing that made him feel better when he was upset like this, and now he wasn’t allowed to do it anymore.
He didn’t know how long he could hold out without throwing up.
“Takeda said I would be,” he answered, not confident enough to assure Natsu personally.
She wiggled a little closer across the mattress, her toes rubbing up against Hinata’s bare leg. Her feet were warm against his cold skin. “He’s your teacher, right? So he’d know?” she asked.
Hinata pressed his lips together. “I guess. He said that everyone’s going to work together to help me get better.”
Natsu nodded. “Okay.” She rested her head sleepily on his shoulder, and Hinata held his breath. He knew she had been listening to him and his mom talk earlier. It had probably scared her, and that’s why she had begged and begged to sleep in his bed. But Hinata couldn’t comfort her. He was too anxious himself. Meanwhile, Natsu looped her arms around one of Hinata’s. “I’m going to help you get better, too,” she said.
Hinata choked a little. “Thanks,” he squeaked as Natsu fell asleep on his shoulder. He joined her a moment later, nose pressed into her soft hair.
“Nope,” Ukai said when Hinata showed up to practice the next morning. “You’re benched until further notice, kid. Not until I get word from your counselor and doctor that you’re okay to play.”
Hinata opened his mouth to complain, but the look Ukai threw him shut him up right away. He pressed his hands to his face.
What would happen if he just gave up? If he lay down on the floor, face first?
He was sorely considering it –after all, there was no point in “getting better” if he couldn’t play volleyball- when Kiyoko called him over. “Hinata,” she said, holding up a spare stopwatch.
Hinata blushed, not used to getting attention from Kiyoko. He shuffled over.
“I thought maybe you could help me out today, until you’re able to play again,” she suggested. Hinata took the extra stopwatch out of her hands.
Hinata looked at her accusatorily. “You know, don’t you?”
Kiyoko pushed her glasses up on her nose and flicked her hair out of her eyes in one smooth motion. She didn’t look at him when she spoke, instead choosing to stare at something on her clipboard. “Takeda may have accidentally let something slip this morning. He’s clumsy. With his actions and with his words.”
Hinata sighed. “Great. That’s... That’s great.” He looked at the ball cart longingly. He felt awful. His entire body felt sluggish from crying the whole day before, and his joints still felt achy and shaky. Normally, he would throw up to make himself feel better or play volleyball to distract himself, but apparently, he wasn’t allowed to do either of those things anymore.
Kiyoko tucked her hair behind her ear. She seemed hesitant for a moment before speaking. “I think... I think Coach Ukai is worried. He wants to make sure you’re healthy enough to play without over-exerting yourself, and maybe he feels personally responsible for you’re...” she trailed off awkwardly.
Hinata looked up at her. “Personally responsible?” he asked before she could find an end to her sentence.
“Well, sure,” Kiyoko said. “We all see you everyday. We should have noticed sooner, especially when you weren’t doing much to hide it.”
Hinata grimaced. His mom had said something similar about wishing she had seen it sooner. Kageyama had mentioned that he had figured it out before everyone else, but he had cut himself off before he could say anything more about it.
“I mean... It didn’t start with making myself throw up, you know? I think that threw people off.”
Kiyoko stared at him. “Yeah.”
Practice started up without Hinata. He watched anxiously from the sidelines as everyone did warm ups and drills without him. Kiyoko was as quiet as ever. She scratched notes on her clipboard every now and then, but otherwise she was completely focused on the players.
Hinata figured she had forgotten about him until she spoke up. Her lip twitched, like she was warring with herself over whether or not she should say what she was thinking. “I just... I want you to know I get it,” she said.
Hinata leaned forward on the bench to get a better look at her. “What does that mean?”
“Just that... Well, sometimes, when life gets away from you, it’s nice to have control over one thing, you know? And food is an easy thing to control, at least for me. So... so whatever kind of control you feel after throwing up, I used to feel that way by skipping meals.”
“You don’t eat?” he yelped.
“Now I do. But I didn’t in middle school,” she answered.
Hinata marveled over that for a minute. Kiyoko was the most put together person he knew. The fact that she could feel as crazy and overwhelmed as he did was mind-boggling.
She seemed to sense his trouble grasping things because she spoke up again. “I swear, I used to be ten centimeters shorter and at least 15 kilograms heavier,” she said. “My mom realized when my uniform got too big.”
Hinata looked at Kiyoko, unsure how such a little person could possibly fit into a larger frame. He gulped, searching for the right words.
His eyes fell on her face. She really was beautiful. Maybe it was a dumb thing to point out, but he felt like it needed to be said. “Kiyoko, you’re very pretty. You would look beautiful no matter what size you were,” he promised.
Kiyoko offered him a small smile. “Thank you. But it’s not really about that. Or... it wasn’t at first, anyway.”
Hinata looked down at his own body. “Yeah,” he agreed.
Kiyoko cleared her throat. (Somehow, she managed to make it sound pretty.) “But, you know, I only bring it up to let you know that you can talk to me, okay? Counseling can feel scary at first, and there’s going to be a lot of people who don’t really get it acting like they get it, which is... frustrating. But it’s a manager’s job to make sure everyone on the team is healthy and happy, and as someone who roughly knows what you’re going through, please feel free to come to me and I will support you.”
Hinata marveled up at Kiyoko. It was the most words he had ever heard her say at once. A small part of him wanted to brag to Tanaka and Nishinoya that Kiyoko had reached out to him, but he didn’t want to spoil something so genuine. Kiyoko had been so sincere as she spoke. Hinata didn’t want to dirty it up by boasting about it.
Flustered, he stood up into a low bow. “Thank you, Kiyoko-san,” he said, staring straight down at her shoes. She nudged him out of his bow.
“No problem,” she replied. “What are friends for?”
Hinata slurped down noodles, crossing his eyes to stare at each one as it slipped through his chopsticks. He used to cram his food into his mouth, but lately he’d been eating more slowly: one noodle at a time.
“Wah, Hinata, your mom always packs you such good food. I’m so jealous,” Yamaguchi complained.
Hinata blinked down at his thermos. His mom had been making him good lunches lately. She didn’t want him making his own food if he was going to specifically choose things that were easy to throw up, and after Hinata’s doctor had lectured him and his mom for over an hour on proper nutrition, she had been very particular about what he ate.
It was a sore subject to talk about. Most of the team still didn’t know why Hinata had to sit out for a week or why Ukai, Takeda, Suga, and Daichi had all left practice to talk to him. However, Tsukishima was as observant as ever, and he elbowed Yamaguchi in the ribs.
Yamaguchi pouted. “Wha-“
“Shut up,” Tsukishima said, stabbing at his hamburger with his chopsticks.
Yamaguchi winced but let the subject drop. “Sorry, Tsukki.”
Tsukishima didn’t seem bothered. “Where’s the King today, Hinata?” he asked, helping to get the focus off of Hinata’s food. Hinata wondered how much of it was purposeful, and how much of it was a happy coincident.
“Honestly? Probably in line at the vending machine, still,” Hinata answered. Kageyama had said he would come down to the courtyard for lunch today. “That, or a teacher held him up.”
Tsukishima looked up, his glasses catching the light. “Speak of the Devil, here he comes now,” he said, just as Kageyama snuck up behind Hinata. He sat cross-legged in the grass, filling in their little circle. Tsukishima stared pointedly at the two milk boxes in his hands. “So predictable,” he snorted.
Kageyama looked affronted. “What?” he asked, wordlessly passing a milk box to Hinata.
Tsukishima smirked. “Nothing.”
“Okay, well if you’re done being weird,” Kageyama started, reaching for his backpack. He pulled out his notebook and flipped it open to the first page. “Can you help me with this problem?”
Tsukishima crinkled his nose. “I’ve explained this to you, like, seven times already,” he complained. He crossed his arms over his chest, but Yamaguchi rested a hand on his shoulder before he could completely close himself off.
“Come on, Tsukki. I won’t hurt you to explain it one more time,” Yamaguchi said.
Tsukishima sighed. “Fine,” he agreed. He slipped a pencil out from behind his ear and grabbed Kageyama’s notebook. Yamaguchi beamed as Tsukishima started to re-explain the problem to Kageyama.
Yamaguchi leaned in and whispered to Hinata just loud enough for Tsukishima to hear. “They’re making friends. It’s so cute!”
Tsukishima threw a tomato at the back of Yamaguchi’s head, not once looking up from Kageyama’s homework. Hinata laughed at the startled expression on Yamaguchi’s face.
“When are you going to learn to stop pushing Tsukishima’s buttons?” Hinata asked, still laughing a little as Yamaguchi fixed his hair. “He’s too violent.”
Yamaguchi winced.
The rest of their lunch period passed by uneventfully. Kageyama stayed close to Hinata, their knees brushing every time Kageyama leaned over to get a better look at the problem Tsukishima was explaining. Hinata found himself staring at the spot their legs met up for most of lunch.
“Okay, I have to get going,” Yamaguchi said, interrupting the conversation as he stood up. “I wanted to ask my teacher a couple things before class. Tsukki, you wanna come with me?” he asked.
Tsukishima groaned, like Yamaguchi had asked him to run a marathon instead of walk him to class. However, he stood up almost immediately. “I guess,” he agreed. He swung his bag over his shoulder. “See you guys later.”
“See you!” Hinata chirped. Kageyama waved while Hinata went back to his noodles. He still hadn’t finished his lunch yet –only about half- but it was hard to eat as much as usual when he wasn’t allowed to throw some of it up to get some of it out of his system.
Kageyama seemed to sense his thoughts because he turned to watch as Hinata sucked up another noodle, the end of it wiggling and flicking broth everywhere as he slurped it.
Fortunately, Yamaguchi and Tsukishima were already out of hearing distance when Kageyama blurted out: “You’re not going to throw that up, right?”
Hinata choked. He beat his chest as he tried to catch his breath. Kageyama smacked his back to help him out. “S- sorry,” he apologized. Kageyama had really caught him off guard. “But, no, of course not. I’m not going to throw it up,” he promised.
“Okay,” Kageyama said. He shifted his weight from side to side for a moment. He seemed hesitant, and Hinata leaned away from him. Kageyama certainly knew how to make him nervous. Hinata stabbed at his noodles, while Kageyama cleared his throat next to him. “Okay, because I like your body as it is, not any thinner.”
Hinata nearly dropped his thermos. “What?”
Kageyama made a whining noise in the back of his throat. “You shouldn’t worry about being skinny,” he said, frustrated. “You’ve always been skinny. Your legs are... so skinny. But I think you look nice no matter what, so don’t worry about getting thinner.”
“I’m... I’m not trying to get thinner,” Hinata said, eyes widening.
Kageyama set his jaw. “That’s good because you shouldn’t,” he said, the words coming out all in a rush.
Hinata put a hand on top of Kageyama’s, blades of grass managing to push up through the gaps between their fingers. “I’ve never been trying to get thinner, stupid,” he said. “Don’t worry about it.”
“I’m not worried about it.”
“You’re totally worried about it,” Hinata argued. He was blushing, but Kageyama was blushing, too. “But it’s not like that. It’s just... It’s just throw up, I don’t know. I don’t think it’s an eating disorder like everyone says.”
“Okay,” Kageyama answered, although he didn’t look convinced. Hinata finished screwing up his thermos and tossed it into his bag. He stood up and reached a hand out to Kageyama to help him off the ground.
“Let’s just go to class, okay?” he asked. “Can we just go to class?”
“Sure,” Kageyama asked. He seemed paler than usual: washed out. Hinata didn’t know how to perk him up. Every time he talked to Kageyama lately, his half of the conversation seemed nervous and awkward. Hinata was tired of seeing Kageyama so sad.
He didn’t let go of Kageyama’s hand as they walked to class. He knew it wasn’t enough to reassure Kageyama that he was okay, but maybe it would cheer him up a little bit.
In addition to acting weird and shy lately, Kageyama had also been hovering a lot more than usual. It was a little weird during practice (Kageyama always had to make excuses to come see Hinata on the sidelines), but there were other times that Hinata really appreciated it.
Like now.
Every night like clockwork, Hinata could count on Kageyama calling right after dinner. Hinata hardly had time to get showered and in his pajamas before his phone started ringing.
Tonight, Hinata was running a little bit behind schedule, and he picked up his phone while he was still wrapped up in his towel. “Ah, moshi, moshi,” he said all in one breath, combing his damp hair out of his eyes. His skin was still pink from the bath.
“Hey,” Kageyama greeted. “What’s up? Did you eat?”
Hinata huffed out a sigh. “Yeah, quit asking.”
There was rustling over the line before Kageyama seemed to settle back. “Okay,” he said. “.... So practice was good today.”
Hinata smirked. “Yeah,” he agreed. Kageyama was so awkward on the phone, but it was good of him to call. Ever since he had confessed to throwing up dinner on a regular basis, Kageyama always called him after eating. Hinata knew he was worried. Normally, people fussing over him drove him crazy, but Hinata wasn’t sure how he would get to sleep without talking to Kageyama to get through the evening (not that he would ever admit it).
“Your serving is getting better.”
“It is.”
“Your receives still suck, though.”
Hinata laughed. “Shut up, Kageyama. You’re such a dweeb.”
“Whatever,” Kageyama muttered, and Hinata imagined he was probably blushing and hiding his face behind his hand. He could see his ears turning pink like Kageyama was right in front of him. “... So you ate dinner?”
Hinata groaned. “Kageyama, you know my mom. Do you actually think she ever would have let me skip eating?” His mom’s nutrition kick included perfect portions and balanced meals. If he left even a single bite on his plate, she noticed. She kept talking about how skinny he was and how starved his muscles were. The doctors kept talking about it, too.
Hinata rubbed at his ribs self-consciously as he searched his drawers for a t-shirt to sleep in.
“... No. She’s pretty tenacious.”
“Well, only about some things,” Hinata said, stepping into a pair of boxers. He forced one of his dad’s XL t-shirts over his head. “Guess who gets to play video games on Saturday morning instead of getting up early to help her do laundry.”
“You?” Kageyama asked.
“Yep,” Hinata answered, the bottom hem of his shirt dropping around his knees. “Mom says I don’t need any added stressors in my life right now: chores included.”
Kageyama hummed. “Do chores really stress you out?” he asked.
Hinata climbed into bed. He looked down at his covers. “Um... Well, no, not really,” he said, his scrawny legs slipping under the sheets. He hadn’t finished his homework yet, but he was too tired to think anymore. He hadn’t felt awake since before he started throwing up. “Chores aren’t so bad. Everything else is though.”
“Like what?” Kageyama asked.
Hinata huffed out a sigh as his head hit the pillow. “I don’t know,” he answered. “Like... school?” He really should finish his homework. “And practice and stuff. Just everything.”
Kageyama was quiet for a minute. “I don’t really get it.”
“That’s okay,” Hinata said. “Actually... Actually, can we not talk about it? I’m really tired, ‘Yama, I’d rather talk about something silly, not serious.”
“... Um...”
Hinata snuggled a little further into his sheets. “Like maybe we could talk about Nishinoya tripping on that volleyball,” he suggested.
Kageyama snorted at that, finally loosening up. “Oh my gosh, he fell into a split,” he remembered. Hinata kicked his feet back and forth excitedly.
“It must have hurt so bad,” he giggled, rolling onto his side. His pillow was a little damp from his hair, but his covers were warm and so was Kageyama’s voice.
“I’ve never seen his eyes look so big.”
“They practically took up his whole face,” Hinata agreed, smiling. The bath had taken all of the tenseness out of his muscles, and for once, he felt relaxed. He closed his eyes, even if it was still early. “I can’t remember the last time I’ve laughed that hard.”
“Yeah,” Kageyama agreed. “... What are you doing now?”
“I’m in bed,” Hinata answered. He buried his nose into his comforter. “You know, sometimes I don’t realize how cold it is until I have blankets on me.”
Kageyama laughed over the line.
“What?” Hinata asked.
“Nothing.”
“What?!” Hinata asked again.
“Nothing, nothing,” Kageyama promised. His next words were so quiet; Hinata almost didn’t hear them. “You just sounded cute is all.”
Hinata felt his heart swell in his chest. “Sh-Shut up!” he yelped. He hid his head under his blanket. “You’re such a dork. I’m done. I’m hanging up.”
“Fine. See if I care.”
Hinata paused. He didn’t actually want to hang up the phone at all. Talking to Kageyama was calming (except for when he said things that made his heart start racing). Honestly, he would have rather had Kageyama with him in his room, but if he couldn’t have that, then a phone call would have to be enough. “Okay, I’m not hanging up,” he admitted. “But I still think you’re dorky.”
Kageyama made a disgruntled noise. “That’s fine. I think you’re annoying.”
“No you don’t,” Hinata bristled.
Kageyama snorted. “No... I don’t.”
Hinata held out his pinny, grinning excitedly down at his practice clothes. He was so excited to play volleyball again and at a practice camp no less. Even if they lost every game, Hinata was just excited to get to play. He had liked learning with Coach Ukai senior, but this was different. This was real.
This was what Hinata needed.
Getting to play volleyball again was like a breath of fresh air. For once, he didn’t have to think about throw up, or eating, or doctors, or counselors, or anything. All he had to think about was reacting and the feel of the ball against his palm.
All he had to do now was click with Kageyama on the court as well as he did off the court, and he would be back in business.
“Hinata.”
Hinata looked up to see Kiyoko beckoning him to the sidelines after a particularly tough set. She was holding his water bottle out to him, and Hinata bounded over. “Hey, thanks!” he said excitedly. He held the bottle with both hands as he took a long drink.
“No problem,” Kiyoko said. She let him drink for a minute before checking up on him. “How are you feeling? Are you okay?”
Hinata nodded happily, wiping his mouth off on the back of his arm. “Yep!”
“No shaky knees? No spotty vision?”
“Nope! I feel really good! This is so exciting! I’m so excited!” he yelped, jumping in place a couple times. Kiyoko hid her smile behind her hand before throwing her head back and laughing. She looked as beautiful as ever.
Her ponytail slipped off her shoulder, and all of a sudden, Hinata felt the hair on the back of his neck rise. He stopped jumping and turned around, only to realize that the entire gym was staring at him. Or more like, they were staring at Kiyoko with her long neck and longer hair and glaring at Hinata for standing next to her.
“Ah~ah,” he tittered uncomfortably, moving to duck behind Kiyoko’s shoulder. However, before he was able to hide himself, Tanaka and Nishinoya framed him on either side, their eyes blazing.
“Hinata,” Nishinoya greeted, his tone forced.
Tanaka threw an arm around his shoulders. A menacing smile took up his entire face. “What’s so funny?” he questioned.
Kiyoko had gone from laughing to annoyed. “Calm down, there’s no reason to be jealous,” she said bluntly. She grabbed Hinata’s arm and pulled him forward. “Just let him go.” She pushed lightly at Tanaka’s chest, and Tanaka immediately took a knee.
“Yuu... Yuu. She touched me,” he gasped.
“I saw, man, I saw,” Nishinoya exclaimed.
Hinata shuddered. That had been way too scary. He was going to have to be careful about talking to Kiyoko in front of his teammates; their jealousy wasn’t worth it.
Kiyoko delicately lead him away, her hand gentle on his lower back as she brought him further off onto the sideline. “And you’re sure you’re alright?” she asked one more time. “I know it must be hard, just getting back into the swing of things. If you need a break, or a snack, or some water, I can arrange whatever you need.”
“I’m okay right now,” Hinata said. He never felt tired during volleyball; he could go forever. However, knowing that Kiyoko had his back made him feel a little bit better about everything. It wiped away nerves he hadn’t even realized he had.
Hinata startled when his plate moved closer to him without his touching it. He sat up straight. Kageyama, meanwhile, nudged his dinner a little closer to him.
“What?” he asked, dazed. He had completely spaced out.
“You’re not eating,” Kageyama pointed out. He was sitting across the table from him, and even though he was leaning forward and his voice was low, Suga still picked up on their conversation. He turned.
“Is everything okay?” Suga asked, getting Daichi’s attention at well. Fortunately, everyone else seemed relatively oblivious.
Hinata squirmed, feeling flustered. He’d gone from daydreaming to scrutiny. “Um...” he wavered, uncertain. “I think I’m okay. Just... nervous.”
“Yeah?” Suga asked. He was seated diagonally from him, but he might as well have been right next to him. Suga’s eyes were so warm and inviting. Every time Hinata looked at him, he felt like he was wrapped up in a hug. “About what?”
Hinata shrugged awkwardly.
Daichi frowned. “Is it about our games today?” he asked.
Hinata shrunk down a little bit. He had thought it would be enough just to play volleyball again. But he and Kageyama weren’t clicking like they usually did, and they had lost every game they played so far.
Maybe if their quick were working properly they’d be winning. Hinata knew he wasn’t supposed to blame himself for the faults of the team, but it was hard not to feel personally responsible. He knew he could play better. He and Kageyama had always been good together, and now he was screwing that up.
Suga sighed. “Hinata,” he cooed.
“Hinata,” Kageyama growled. “Dumbass, quit being stressed about volleyball. It’s supposed to be fun.” Suga put a hand on Kageyama’s forearm to simmer him down. Kageyama shook him off. “You don’t have to feel bad about it!”
“I’m just not...” he grimaced, not sure how to voice his feelings. He had never been great at vocalizing the things that stressed him out. “I’m not doing well? And we’re losing, so-“
“So, it’s practice,” Kageyama interrupted. “We’re practicing so we won’t lose the real games.”
Hinata huffed. His fish stared back at him on his plate, and he was suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to shove all his food down his throat just to immediately throw it back up all over the table. He didn’t care what anyone said, throwing up felt good to him. He needed it. Without it, all the stress of the lost games was just building up and building up.
Daichi cleared his throat. “Kageyama is right ...sort of. The team is in a period of growth right now. We’re trying new things; we’re learning new tricks. Maybe it’s not flowing and connecting the way we’re used to, but we’re getting there. We’re all working on changing, it’s okay that we’re losing,” he promised.
“But I’m... I’m changing the most, I can’t-“ This time Hinata cut himself off. He dug his palms into his eye sockets.
Suga made another cooing noise. His hands layered over Hinata’s, carefully pulling them away from his eyes. “It’s okay, Hinata, you’re okay. Why don’t you just try to focus on eating now?”
“You need to eat,” Kageyama said scathingly, and Suga shushed him.
“Shhh, just calm down,” Suga said before turning back to Hinata. “Just try to eat a little something, okay? You’ve gotta have dinner; you’ve been running around all day.”
“You can’t run on empty,” Hinata regurgitated, remembering what Suga always said. He had mentioned it to his counselor, and she had brought it up in every session since.
Suga smiled at him encouragingly. “No, you can’t,” he agreed.
Hinata picked up his chopsticks and glared down at his food. Even if he couldn’t finish it, he could at least try. Daichi clapped him on the shoulder, and Hinata took a shaky breath. He picked at his fish, watching it flake apart.
As he pecked at his food, he could feel Coach Ukai’s gaze on him from across the room. Great. The last thing he needed was for everyone to realize he was still having trouble with eating and throwing up.
He managed to make it out of practice camp without another lecture about eating. He had done his best to look like he was at least trying to eat. He had succeeded in avoiding any more awkward conversations, even if he hadn’t succeeded in eating anything.
He thought he had managed to make it out of practice camp scot-free. After all, finally figuring out his quick with Kageyama had been a big distraction. It had even tricked Hinata into thinking he was feeling better.
But upon walking into practice on Monday morning and seeing the look on Ukai’s face, Hinata realized he had been sorely mistaken.
“Okay, boys. Huddle around. We’re going to talk really quick before we get to stretching and warming up.”
Hinata’s feet stayed glued in the entryway. Ennoshita nudged him in. “Hey, come on, dumbass,” Ennoshita said fondly, mimicking Kageyama as he walked through the door. “Let’s go.”
Hinata gulped and followed him in. He could feel Ukai’s eyes trailing him, and he saw the notecards on his clipboard. He knew this was about him –somehow- but he couldn’t explain the anxiety bubbling up in his throat.
He managed to sit down next to Ennoshita on wobbly legs.
It took a few minutes for everyone to sit down (AKA: just enough time for Hinata to freak himself out). He was jittery from his head to his toes by the time Ukai finally cleared his throat to address the team.
“Right, so. I only get to see you guys for a few hours each day, and while I get to talk to you a lot about how to physically take care of your bodies to be at the top of your game, I never get to talk to you about how to take care of yourselves nutritionally,” Ukai began.
Hinata’s stomach lurched. He bent over, nausea sweeping over him. He couldn’t listen to another conversation about eating. Everyone had something to say about it, and everyone’s advice was different. His mom had taken on most of the brunt of figuring out his diet, but it was still overwhelming.
How was he supposed to know what to do when everyone said something different?
“As athletes,” Ukai continued, “it’s important that you understand that what you eat directly effects your performance.”
Tanaka groaned. “Listen, is this because I ate that whole gallon of ice cream after practice last week? Because that was a one time thing.”
The corner of Ukai’s mouth twitched upwards. “No,” he answered. “Or, well, actually, that’s disgusting. Don’t do that. But I wanted to talk to you about eating the right things and eating enough. Because eating too little is just as bad for your body as eating too much. So! That being said-“ Ukai dragged over a blackboard and flipped it to show some diagrams he had already drawn on it. The team groaned. “Let’s talk proteins.”
Ukai started on his diatribe, and Hinata felt his heartbeat continue to speed up. It’s like his heart thought he was trying to run a marathon, not just listen to a stupid lecture from his coach.
Maybe he would feel better if it wasn’t so obviously directed at him. But Ukai kept making eye contact with him, no matter which way he turned, and he knew this was about how difficult it had been for him to eat at practice camp. It wasn’t fair. Practice camp had been hard emotionally and schedule-wise when it came to eating. At home, his mom let him have as long as he needed to finish a meal, but he couldn’t sit at the table all night in the lodge.
Just thinking about eating a lot too quickly made him feel sick. He rocked back and forth as his nausea worsened. Hinata knew he was freaking out. And what’s more, he knew he looked like he was freaking out. He could feel the team’s eyes on him as he ducked his head between his knees and hyperventilated.
“... So without the proper balance of carbohydrates, sugars, and proteins- or, I’m sorry, Hinata, are you okay?” Ukai asked, cutting himself off to check up on him.
Hinata was so sick of people asking if he was okay. He shook off Ennoshita’s hand when the second year tried to rub his back. “I just... I need to go to the bathroom.”
Ukai looked nervous. “Hinata-“
“I’m going to the bathroom,” Hinata said frantically, leaving no room for discussion. He got up and rushed off. He didn’t care what Ukai, or Takeda, or Kageyama, or Suga, or Daichi, or... or... or... or what anyone thought. He had been so good at not throwing up for so long, and for what? For other people? So they could feel good about how he was treating himself and what he was doing to his body? Who cared about how they felt? What about Hinata? What about how awful and stressed he felt? Didn’t that matter?
Hinata threw himself into the bathroom, but he hadn’t managed to run off alone. Before he could make it into a stall, Kageyama grabbed his arm. “Kageyama, what the hell?” he asked, struggling to get away. Kageyama’s hand wrapped fully around his wrist. “Let go!”
“Stop fighting me,” Kageyama demanded, just before Hinata elbowed him in the ribs. “Ow, geez, quit it! Relax.”
“No! Let go, let-“ Kageyama hugged Hinata from behind, trapping his arms at his sides, “go! Let, go!”
“Not until you relax!” Kageyama shouted. If Hinata were any less panicked, he would have been able to hear the fear in his voice. “Just calm down. Relax, Hinata. Relax. Relax.” Hinata twisted, trying to find a way out of Kageyama’s hold, but he was too big, and Hinata was too small.
When he realized it was hopeless, he started to melt. He fell back against Kageyama, his whole body limp with sorrow, and dread, and nausea. He needed to throw up, solely for the sake of throwing up. He had to puke so badly that he lurched in Kageyama’s arms, gagging on air as his stomach swirled. He was about to throw up on the ground just because he was nervous.
“I... I have a problem,” he realized. His eyes felt like they were about to bug out of his head.
“Well, yeah, dumbass, you’re freaking out. Just calm down,” Kageyama said.
“No, no,” Hinata said, big crocodile tears beading up in his eyes and slipping down his face. “No, I have a problem. This is a problem. I can’t keep doing this.”
Kageyama’s hold on him strengthened when Hinata’s knees and hips all but gave out beneath him. Hinata buried his nose in Kageyama’s arm, sobbing, and Kageyama seemed to realize that something was wrong other than Hinata just wanting to throw up. He leaned back and helped them slide down to the floor. Hinata cried in Kageyama’s lap. “Hey... hey, you’re okay,” Kageyama said weakly, all trace of anger out of his voice.
“I’m not, though. I have a problem,” Hinata wept, hugging onto Kageyama’s arms with his own. Kageyama hadn’t stopped holding him, even for a moment.
“But it’s okay. You’re working on it.”
“Not enough,” Hinata argued. He was glad he wasn’t facing Kageyama right now. “Who does his? Who throws up like this? Why did I think this was okay? I’m... I’m dying.”
“You’re not dying.”
“I’m dying.”
“No, you’re just... you’re just... you’re just confused,” Kageyama promised. “Throwing up is bad, and it is a problem, but it is just throwing up. You’re not dying, you can overcome this.”
Hinata hiccupped on his tears. “I just want to play volleyball.”
“I know.”
“I want to do it well.”
“I know.”
“I want to do everything well, but I can’t. I’m so bad at everything, ‘Yama. I keep messing up, no matter how hard I try. I don’t... I don’t have any control. I mess everything up,” he managed to stammer out.
Kageyama snuggled him closer, his nose ending up in the crook of Hinata’s neck. Hinata closed his eyes. It was still so early in the morning; he never truly woke up until practice officially started, and he was so exhausted. “You don’t mess everything up. You’re great, Hinata. You are. You just have to work on feeling great.”
Hinata gasped as he tried to take in a breath of air. He dipped his head further into Kageyama’s arm. “Okay... Okay, I’ll work on it.”
“You’ll work on it?”
“Yeah,” Hinata agreed. He whimpered. “Because... because this is a problem, Kageyama. It’s a problem.”
Kageyama nodded. “It is a problem,” he agreed. “But when has there ever been a problem we can’t face?”