Chapter Text
He had always said that Pac was like the sun, with the way his laugh or smile could light up a room that before had been in pure darkness, with the way just being near him warmed up Guaxinim's heart in a way nobody else ever did. He was proud to say he was in love with Pac, the brightest man in the world.
But there was one things people would never tell you about being in love with the sun, that sooner or later your love would burn you.
Guaxinim's remembered clearly the day Pac told him about Leo, about passa tudo and at how wonderful it would be if Guaxinim joined him. And he? Well he said yes, like the fool in love he always has been, said yes because in his silly mind he thought he could protect Pac… How wrong he was.
Leo was angry, Leo was violent, but at the same time there was something about Leo that called to Guaxinim, sometimes the way he crocked his head or the way he moved his hands were so much like Pac… He couldn't help but be almost attracted to him, want to follow his every command.
And then… Medo happened, his emotions sucked out of his body, he was left nothing but an empty shell, a punishment from Leo it was said to be.
Guaxinim hated Leo, even when he couldn't feel a single thing, he still hated him.
It was an odd time, because even if he couldn't feel anything while awake, all his feelings instead went to his dreams, he could barely remember those dreams but he knew they were a big mess of love, lust, sadness and anger… above everything there was anger. Anger at Leo, anger at himself and even… anger towards Pac. He hated himself for that one
Actually, there was one dream that he could remember.
He was at Passa tudo base late at night, everyone had already gone to sleep and the only light inside came from the meetings room, he remembered the way the sound of his footsteps echoed around the hallway as he slowly made his way into the meeting room, the only person standing there was Leo, always tall and proud, like nothing in the world could knock him down.
"Guaxinim."
He was not proud of that but, something about the way Leo said his name, it made him shiver, not from fear, but something else.
"Sorry Leo, didn't know someone was here."
Leo laughed, that horrible laugh he hated more than anything, that cruel mocking tone he loved using.
"Come here" he patted the spot on the table next to where he was sitting "Let's talk."
And Guaxinim… Well, he couldn't do anything but follow that command.
The silence was deep and uncomfortable, it felt like some sort of test, but Guaxinim didn't know what for. That was until Leo spoke.
"What do you think about me Guaxinim?"
He wanted to say he hated him, that he wanted to drive a million knives inside his heart, but he didn't it, instead he opened up a charming smile.
"That you're a great leader of course, you… takes care of us." The words almost made his mouth bleed.
Once again the masked man laughed, laughed like it was the biggest joke he ever heard.
"Now go again, say what you really think, I don't want flattery I want honesty."
Guaxinim turned to look at him, what he didn't expect is how close Leo had gotten to him, he could see every single detail of his mask and the way his eyes didn't shine, like they were devoid of any emotions.
"I hate you, I hate you more than I ever thought possible, I hate you more than I have ever hated anyone in my life."
"I wonder if your answer would remain the same if you saw what's under my mask."
Guaxinim could see his hand going to the back of his head, probably to untie the mask.
"My answer wouldn't change."
And then the mask would drop to reveal Pac underneath, with the same smile that lightened up rooms and the contagious laugh, with the same hair curl that fell on his forehead… It was Pac.
The dream always ended there, but it was enough to stick to Guaxinim's mind forever, and well, the reveal that Leo was somehow another version of Pac didn't really help.
But he could deal with it, his Pac was kind, his Pac was a good person… Or so he thought
He never told Pac about how much he remembered of the pain of dying, how he remembered the way his limbs were torn apart and how he could remember hearing the crack of his own bones, no, he didn't want to add onto Pac's already messed up mind.
Sometimes when they were alone, be it in bed after a long making out session, be just relaxing after a long day, Guaxinim couldn't help but think that he was just waiting for the other shoe to drop, he was waiting to be burnt by the sun.
…
Then, came Montalma and with it, Pac closer and closer to being a skeleton and Guaxinim… He was scared, it was like being next to Leo again, even when he would kiss Pac with all the care in the world his mouth would fill up with the taste of blood as if to tell him he shouldn't do this, that he should leave and never look back.
Sometimes he wish he had done that, other times he wished he had stabbed a knife through his heart, he wishes he hated him, that he was brave enough to hate the man he loves.
Would make the fact he misses him less complicated.
"Goodbye mininim, i love you."
Are the last words he say before leaving the memorial built in Pac's honor.