Chapter Text
June 10th, 2020
Mabel: You’ll never believe what Grunkle Stan caught Dipper doing in the bathroom!
Eda: TMI, kid.
Dipper: MABEL DON’T YOU DARE!
Mabel: He was singing along to Disco Girl by Baba!
Anne: Wait, you listen to Baba, dude?
Eda: I think I stole one of her CDs once.
Gus: I’ll buy any human music you obtain!
Eda: Sold.
Baljeet: It’s a good song. I personally prefer the Lumber Zachs.
Dipper: There’s nothing wrong with liking Baba, Mabel.
Anne: Except that it’s not K-Pop which is superior to all other music.
Sasha: Exactly.
Phineas: Music’s big in Danville. They’re actually having a contest at the mall today to be the next Super American Teen Pop Isle.
Phineas: Wow, that just summoned Candace.
Ferb: He didn't even say it out loud.
Marcy: Remember when we tried out for that? That was a fun day.
Sasha: It was our biggest crowd ever!
Anne: I was so nervous, but we rocked!
Isabella: You guys tried out?
Sasha: Last summer. We failed, but that’s only because you have to have a gimmick with your music.
Marcy: I thought we were disqualified since we were only 12?
Sasha: That too.
Anne: Their loss! We’re the best pre-teen band in LA!
Willow: What’s the name of your band?
Sasha: and the Sharps.
Mabel: What? …OH! Clever use of the chat.
Soos: Ah alliteration. It makes every name better.
Sasha: Yeah we’re the best, and everyone better know it!
Phineas: The whole music thing sounds cool, but then you have to commit to that when there’s so many other awesome things to do.
Phineas: Too bad you can’t just do it once.
Dipper: What’s Boiling Isles music like?
Eda: Most music falls under Bard Magic, which channels spells through sound and instruments.
Gus: If I hadn’t fallen in love with Illusions, I would have been a Bard.
Gus: Actually, I learned how to play a human realm instrument, the mini thunder piano.
King: Eda’s bent over cackling.
Willow: I started learning to play the drums when I was 6.
Marcy: Drum buddies!
Eda: I’m teaching Luz how to play the bell cittern. Once she gets the hang of it, I’m gonna teach her how to play the lute. I find learning the former greatly helps learn the latter.
Isabella: I know how to play a lot of instruments, though I prefer the bass and guitar.
Baljeet: I also play a few instruments. Though the keyboard is my personal favorite. Also I’m 99% sure THAT’S the true identity of the ‘mini thunder piano’.
King: And Eda’s cackling again.
Isabella: Buford, do you play any instruments?
Buford: Yes.
Isabella: Which one?
Buford: Yes.
Mabel: …So all of them?
Buford: All the obscure ones at least, and a lot of the well known ones as well.
Anne: Impressive.
Phineas: So according to our mom, you CAN do the music thing once. It’s called being a one-hit wonder.
Phineas: Ferb, I know what we’re going to do today!
Ferb: 🎸🥁🎹🎺🎻
Phineas: Are the rest of you in?
Isabella: Sure! I can also get the Fireside Girls to help, and I can be your band manager.
Buford: Buford’s out. I have plans.
Baljeet: I too have plans, and will not be able to participate today.
Sasha: You can’t just get a hit song on one day, let alone become one-hit wonders.
Phineas: Challenge accepted.
“Ladies and gentleman, the Ferb-ettes! I’m Phineas, this is Ferb, and we're gonna sing a little song.”
🎵“Bow chicka wow wow,”🎵
🎵“(That’s what my baby says,)”🎵
🎵“Mow Mow Mow,”🎵
🎵“(And my heart starts pumping,)”🎵
🎵“Chicka chicka choo wop,”🎵
🎵“(Never gonna stop,)”🎵
🎵“Gitchee gitchee goo means that I love you!”🎵
Candace stood on stage as her brothers sang, gazing out into the crowd of people. She was still stunned as the events leading up to this had gone by faster than her brain could process.
After arriving at the Googleplex Mall, Candace had met up with Stacy to enter the auditions to be The Next Super American Pop Teen Idol. Her best friend helped psych her up, only for Jeremy to walk by when she was pretty much feral. Luckily, she played it off cool…yeah.
Jeremy said he was here to see the hot new band PFT, and that the hundredth contestant got to sing on stage with them. Right after he said that, she walked through a turnstile counter that marked her as the lucky hundredth contestant.
Before she could fully process her luck, she was dragged on stage to sing. And then who just so happened to appear? Her brothers. PFT was short for Phineas and the Ferb-Tones.
As she now tried to process that, Phineas rattled on about how this would be fun to do as a brother-sister thing. He automatically assumed she’d heard their song, and then he teed it up and began singing.
Her brain was still trying to catch up with what exactly was happening when–
“Bow chicka wow wow- Candace!” Phineas shouted as he pointed to her.
All the music stopped, and her thoughts finally caught up with reality. And her first reaction was confusion, and the typical annoyance she felt at their antics.
“Wait a minute! What are you doing?!” she shouted.
“I’m cuing you.” Phineas replied, confused at Candace’s anger.
“How did you get a hit single?!” she yelled.
“Well it wasn’t easy. It took most of the morning and half a dozen phone calls.” he admitted. Usually their projects went a lot faster. “But if you’re willing to put in the work–”
“That’s it! I’m gonna tell mom!” Candace interrupted.
Phineas wasn’t sure how to respond to that. He wasn’t even sure why she wanted to tell mom. No doubt mom had already heard their song.
“...Okay. Tell her what?” he finally replied.
Candace opened her mouth to respond, but she paused. This wasn’t something she could bust them for. Danville was known for its many musical numbers, and even if it wasn’t, starting a band was something a lot of kids and teens did.
At that moment, she realized that she was standing on stage with the whole audience staring at her. Her eyes flicked out to the crowd, then back to Phineas.
This was what she wanted, to sing on stage in front of a large crowd. Was she really going to let her busting obsession get in the way of that, especially when what they were doing wasn’t something they’d even get in trouble for? …No, she wasn’t. Not this time, at least.
“...So, it’s ‘That’s what my baby said’ right?” she asked.
“Yeah,” Phineas confirmed. He then handed her a sheet of paper, realizing she hadn’t heard their song yet. “Here are the full lyrics, you sing the lines the Fireside Girls did, and then harmonize at ‘never gonna stop’ and then through the chorus.”
Candace nodded. “Okay, got it.”
The music started back up.
🎵“Bow chicka wow wow,”🎵
🎵“That’s what my baby says,”🎵
🎵“Mow mow mow,”🎵
🎵“And my heart starts pumping,’🎵
🎵“Chicka chicka coo wop,”🎵
🎵“Never gonna stop,”🎵
🎵“Gitchee gitchee goo means that I love you,”🎵
🎵“Gitchee gitchee goo means that I love you,”🎵
🎵“Gitchee gitchee goo means that I love you baby, baby, babyyyy”🎵
🎵”(Baby, baby, baby, baby,)”🎵
🎵“Gitchee gitchee goo means that I love you!”🎵
The audience broke out into thunderous applause as the song came to the end. Candace felt her heart swell with joy. As her brothers headed backstage, she remained to soak up the glory.
“That was great!" she spoke aloud to herself. “I’ve been thinking of my brothers all wrong. They’re not a nuisance, they’re my ticket to fame!”
The crowd soon dispersed, which was Candace's signal to finally leave the stage. Yet as she did, Jeremy was waiting for her.
“You were great out there, Candace.” Jeremy complimented.
“Eehehehehehehe.” Candace giggled, blushing a little bit. “You too– I mean, I’m sure you would have been too.”
Their flirting was interrupted as Candace spotted her mom walking through the mall. Despite knowing they wouldn’t get in trouble for it, her instinct was to still go tell mom. Though it’s not like she would believe her, like always!
“Would you excuse me for just a moment?” she asked Jeremy.
“It’s cool, I have to get to work anyways.” he said with a shrug. “Catch you later Candace.”
“Bye Jeremy!” she called back in a dreamy voice. She then turned her attention back to mom, and ran over to her at a speed that professional runners would find impressive. “MOM! MOM! MOM!” Candace yelled as she ran over to her. “You’ve gotta see what the boys are doing! They made a band and have a hit single!”
“I know.” she responded with a smile.
“Just come over and– Wait, what do you mean ‘you know’?” Candace was flabbergasted.
“I caught the end of the performance.” she explained. “And I have to say, I’m very proud of all of you.”
“Thanks, mom!” Phineas said as he approached from behind Candace.
Of course THIS was the one time she saw what they were doing; when it was something she couldn’t bust them for!
“Hi boys.” their mom greeted them. “You know, if you want some help, I still have some contacts in the industry that I could call.”
“No need, we’re retiring after our reunion concert tonight.” Phineas waved off.
Candace’s mouth fell open in shock. “What do you mean you’re retiring?!” she asked in an annoyed tone. This was going to be her ticket to stardom!
“Well we want to be one-hit wonders, and Mom said that after their reunion concert, they never sing again.” Phineas replied.
Linda tried to correct them. “Boys, I’m glad I inspired you, but you can’t just speedrun being a one-hit wonder. That can take months, even years.” she explained.
Phineas and Ferb’s eyes darted over to the others as a silent conversation passed between them. Then they returned back to their mom.
“That timeline doesn’t work for us.” Ferb said.
“And we already got an offer for a record deal, so we’re well on our way to a diva tantrum.” Phineas added on.
“Boys, you don't have to throw a diva tantrum to have a one hit wonder.” Linda clarified. “In fact, as it stands, if you retire your band after this, then you already have a one hit wonder.”
Phineas thought over this for a moment. The diva tantrum was the part he was looking forward to the least…but he still wanted to do the other parts. “...But can we still have the Elevator Music? Isabella’s working on it right now.”
As if summoned, Isabella took that exact moment to appear. “Okay, I got the mall to agree to our terms. They can play our song in the elevators today for free, but we start charging royalties tomorrow. Which they’ve agreed to pay.”
“Well then that answers that.” Phineas commented. “Come on, let’s go check it out! You coming, mom?”
Their mom chuckled. “I wouldn’t miss it.”
“Awesome! What about you, Candace?” he asked.
“I’m going shopping.” she informed them curtly as she walked away.
“Okay, just make sure you're back at eight thirty for our reunion performance!” he shouted after her.
With Candace having left, they began to head towards the nearest elevator to check out their song. Yet as they walked, Isabella dropped a surprise on them.
“Oh by the way, I also negotiated for the CD cover to be blown up and plastered to the side of the building.” she revealed.
Linda was surprised, though a little concerned. That couldn’t have been cheap. “How‘d you manage to swing that?”
“It wasn’t that hard. They’re demolishing it in three hours.” she explained. “All the landlord wanted was permission to play Gitchee Gitchee Goo in her office for a month without paying for royalties.”
Knowing how easily someone with malicious intent could take advantage of this, Linda became worried. “Did you get that in writing?” she asked.
Isabella nodded, then produced a signed contract. One that was very thorough. “If she tries to violate it, then even the worst lawyer could sink her completely.”
Linda was surprised at how prepared Isabella was for all of this. She knew adults who would fail to handle things this professionally…one of them being her, during her time as Lindana.
“Isabella, I’m very impressed.” she admitted. “Yet I’d feel more secure if I had my lawyer look over these.”
“No problem, Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher.” Isabella replied.
Just as she said that, they arrived at the elevator. They went inside and hit the button for the top floor. As it ascended, a soothing cover of Gitchee Gitchee Goo played.
Phineas took out their checklist and checked off ‘Elevator Music’, while crossing out ‘Diva Tantrum’. It was probably for the best. Who knows what could have happened there?
In the Hugo Records board room, the chairman of the company grumbled as he paced back and forth.
“I can’t believe those kids didn’t show! We’re Hugo Records, the twenty-first biggest record label in Danville!” he shouted. “Ahh who needs ‘em!”
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a tape that contained the recording of PFT’s concert. An evil Cheshire grin spread over his face. “We’ve still got this video tape of their performance. We can do live CDs, Blu-rays, podcasts. Heck, we can even digitally recreate their images to make our own Sitom, The Phineas And Ferb Show. We can squeeze twenty years of entertainment out of this one videotape.”
“Uhh, sir? Isn’t that, like, super illegal?” one of the other board members asked.
“Ah who cares?!” he shouted, waving off his concerns. “It’s not like some crime fighter is gonna fall out of the sky and stop us!”
Suddenly, one of the other board members screamed, “AHH, A GIANT ROBOT IS COMING RIGHT AT US!”
The exec turned, and his eyes widened in horror. It was approaching them quickly– It stopped. He let out a sigh of relief–
“AHHH AHHH AHHH–CHOOOO!”
“WAHHHH!”
“Grgrgrgrgrgr.”
As Doofenshmirtz’s building robot sneezed him and Perry out into the board room, Perry crashed through the tape that the exec was holding. It was completely obliterated.
Perry then quickly grabbed Doofenshmirtz by the arm, and Judo flipped him over his shoulder and out the window. The platypus then ran forward and dived out the broken window to chase after his nemesis.
🎵“A-gent Peeeeee!”🎵
Isabella: As the manager of Phineas And The Ferb-Tones, it is my responsibility to make sure you’ve all heard their one-hit wonder.
Soos: It’s been on repeat in the Mystery Shack all day!
Dipper: Even Grunkle Stan likes it. I caught him tapping his toe to the beat. Though he’d never admit it.
Marcy: Unsure how, but it was downloaded onto my phone. Not that I’m complaining, it’s great!
Sasha: It’s a bop. Ironhide is even swaying side to side.
Anne: It’s sooo catchy!
Eda: Ehh, not my thing. That said, I can still recognize good music.
Gus: So this is human realm music? Gotta say, it did not disappoint! I’ll be showing it to the H.A.S. at our next meeting in a few days.
Willow: It’s really good.
Hooty: We love it!
Zebra: Indeed, Danny.
Hooty: Yes, indeed, indeed.
King: What?
Eda: Hooty, stop talking to your imaginary friend in the chat.
Hooty: But he’s real!
Zebra: It’s true, Wendie.
Eda: I see no proof.
Isabella: That’s good to hear. So what have you all been up to today?
Willow: I’m working on getting Glass Flower seeds for a school project.
Eda: Oof, those only grow on the knee, AND they only grow in the winter.
Willow: Yeah, it’s been a struggle.
Anne: I’m finally heading out to search for civilization.
Sasha: I’m seeing if I can ride Ironhide.
Marcy: Lady Olivia gave me a tour of Newtopia. Though that probably should have waited until I got my cast off.
Mabel: We worked at the Shack, and now we’re watching TV.
Soos: Dudes, that commercial I was telling you about is on!
Dipper: Soos, we’re sitting right next to you. You could have said that out loud.
Soos: Sorry, dudes.
Buford: Theremin lessons.
Baljeet: Summer classes for me.
Buford: You make it hard to want to be your friend.
Baljeet: As do you.
Dipper: Okay, so Frunkle Stan has an arch nemesis it seems.
Sasha: He what?
Soos: There’s this psychic in town named Gideon, and Mr. Pines really doesn’t like him.
Dipper: So we’re gonna go check out his show tonight.
Isabella: That doesn’t seem like a thing your Grunkle would like.
Dipper: He said no one that lives under his roof is allowed under Gideon’s roof…but Gideon runs ‘The Tent Of Telapathy’.
Mabel: And tents don’t have roofs! Loophole!
Eda: I’ve never been so proud of children I’ve never met.
🎵“Gitchee gitchee goo means that I love you,”🎵
🎵“Gitchee gitchee goo means that I love you,”🎵
🎵“Gitchee gitchee goo means that I love you baby, baby, babyyyy”🎵
🎵”(Baby, baby, baby, baby,)”🎵
🎵“Gitchee gitchee goo means that I love you!”🎵
Once more, the crowd erupted in applause for them. Yet Candace couldn’t enjoy it as she knew what was coming.
Phinneas grabbed the mic, “Thanks, you’ve been great! This is the last time we’re ever gonna sing that song. We’re retiring. Good night!”
All the lights in the mall went out, leaving them in pitch black darkness. “The mall is now closed, and will reopen at eight AM tomorrow.” was spoken over the mall’s intercom before it clicked off. A few seconds passed, then the lights turned back on, and the intercom crackled to life again. “Also I apologize for shutting the lights off. It’s my first day and none of the buttons are labeled.”
As they exited the mall, Candace’s mood was still downcast. She’d hoped that her brother’s band would be her ticket to being a mega star, but now she was back to being just a nobody.
She moped for the whole car ride home and the walk up to her room. She flopped down onto her bed and let out a long sigh/groan. Her moping was interrupted by a knock on her door.
“Candace?” she heard Phineas call out to her.
“Go away.” she mumbled, though it was muffled by her pillow. So she wasn’t surprised when they didn’t hear it and came into her room. When her door was opened, she rolled over and shot up to glare at her brothers. “I said go away!”
“We noticed that you're upset, and we wanted to do something to cheer you up.” Phineas said.
Candace sighed. “Whatever your planning isn’t going to–” she was interrupted as a ding on her phone grabbed her attention. She pulled it out and unlocked it, only to see an invite to a group chat. “What is this?”
“Remember the portal from the other day?” Phineas asked. Candace nodded. “Well this is the chat we mentioned. We want to invite you.”
“No offense Phineas, but I don’t feel like talking with a bunch of little kids.” she retorted.
Phineas shook his head. “Oh, it’s not just kids. There are teens, some adults– Actually, I think we’re the youngest in the chat.”
“I’m pretty sure that King is younger than us.” Ferb corrected.
“Right, right.” Phineas nodded. “We would have invited you sooner, but you never seem interested in hanging out with us.” he explained. “But after today, and how much fun we had, we thought you might like to join!”
She thought about it for a moment, before eventually agreeing. “Well…okay fine.”
Dipper: Woah, Gitchee Gitchee Goo is the number one song in America!
Isabella: All in a day's work.
Sasha: Isabella needs to manage our band.
Isabella: I charge by the hour.
Marcy: That’s a fair deal, especially since it’s been, like, 12 to 13 hours since Phineas and Ferb decided to be one hit wonders.
Phineas: We couldn’t have asked for a better band manager.
Isabella: Oh Phineas, you’re too kind.
Ferb: *ahem*
Phineas: Oh right! Thanks for the reminder, Ferb.
Phineas: Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce our sister, Candace Flynn!
Candace Gertrude Flynn has been added to the chat
Candace: …did this thing seriously just have to out me like that?
Dipper: Embarrassing name? Welcome to the club; we have snacks.
Candace: So this is the reason you made a multiversal portal the other day.
Anne: Yeah, that was for me, Sasha, and Marcy. It failed, but we appreciate the attempt.
Sasha: We would have appreciated it a lot more if they had actually gotten us the heck out of here.
Candace: Hey! My brothers did their best!
Sasha: And yet here we still are!
Anne: Sasha!
Sasha: Sorry, it’s…it’s just been a stressful day.
Sasha: I was nearly killed three times by this terrifying bird that was stalking the cave all day.
Sasha: It just stood in the distance, watching me, not moving. Then I look away for a second and it’s gone! Only for it to reappear inside the cave and attack me!
Marcy: That sounds like a Shoebill. They can teleport up to a hundred meters. Though they don’t usually stalk something unless they view it as a threat.
Sasha: Well given that Ironhide killed it and now I’m cooking its meat, it was correct.
Candace: What have I walked into?
Eda: Welcome to the chaos, kid. And trust me, you haven’t seen anything yet. Heck, you haven’t even met Hooty!
Candace: What’s a Hooty?
Hooty: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!