Chapter Text
“Think, Tim,” Steph said, staring at him across the restaurant table, her half-eaten BatBurger (her requested payment for helping) resting in front of her. Tim’s picked-at one looked nearly as pathetic as him.
Steph took a sip of her Bat-shake. “What’s the one thing you do better than anyone else?”
Tim thought for a moment. “Solve crimes?”
Steph frowned. “Rude. Also no.”
“...photography?”
“No again.”
“...well I wouldn’t say I’m the best at skateboarding, I mean Tony Hawk-”
“Oh my god Tim!” Steph said exasperated, throwing her hands up in the air. “It’s this right here! Being annoying!”
Tim felt himself deflate a little. “Now who’s being rude?” he muttered, swirling his straw around in his cup of Zesti.
Steph looked at him and sighed. “I didn’t mean it like that. But look. Do you remember when we got together?”
“How could I forget?” Tim asked. “You hit me in the face with a brick”
“Exactly,” Steph nodded. “You were following me, getting in my way, generally being a pain. So I bricked you. And what did you do next?”
Tim thought back. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Who you were, what you were doing. I wanted to help you.”
Steph smiled. “Aww, Tim. And see, there’s the other half of your personality; the sweet side. Have you ever seen those Sour Patch Kids commercials? That’s you.”
“Thanks?” Tim said, not sure if he should be insulted or not. “So, wait. What exactly are you saying?”
“Look Tim. Inside you are two wolves. One is super annoying, one is super sweet. It is important that you introduce the annoying one first, because that way when the sweet one comes out, it makes you seem better by comparison.”
Tim was still confused. “So, what? I should start throwing bricks at him?”
“What? No! Weren’t you listening? That’s my thing. You need to go be your naturally annoying self. Disagree with him. Correct him. Generally bug him. Get under his skin. Once he can’t stop thinking about you and how annoying you are, that’s when you show him your other side.”
“What if I just end up making him hate me before we ever get to that point?” Tim asked, feeling that was a valid concern.
Steph shrugged. “If he can’t handle you at your worst, then he’s not the one for you.”
“I guess you’re right,” Tim agreed reluctantly. “But really? That’s your advice? Be annoying?”
“What can I say? You gotta play to your strengths, whatever they may be.”
Steph punctuated her point by stealing the last of Tim’s fries.
After Dick’s advice ended up being such a dumpster fire, Tim took a whole day to think about whether or not to follow Steph’s. But after he failed to come up with any other ideas, he decided he’d give Steph’s at least a try. She, of anyone, would know how to make him attractive, right?
So that was how Tim found himself approaching the game room, where Danny was, for once, by himself. Damian was off at school and Jason was upstairs taking a nap. Apparently going through the type of transformation he had was rather draining, and he still needed lots of rest. A lot of the time Danny stayed with him while he was resting, but sometimes Jason put his foot down, demanding some semblance of privacy. This was one of those times. Tim had no doubt that Danny was still keeping watch over Jason on some level, but the illusion was there.
Danny had quickly taken to some of the video games in the manor (left over mostly from Dick, and a few from Tim). He claimed that the graphics were much further developed than back in his home dimension, and while normally Tim would love to get into detail about exact differences between their universes, that wasn’t the point of this mission.
Tim squared his shoulders and entered the room. It’s go time.
Danny glanced over at Tim for a second as he entered, before putting his attention back on the screen. “Oh hey Tim.”
He said hi to me!!
“Hey Danny,” Tim said smoothly. “What’re you playing?”
“Street Fighter 2: Revenge of the Streets,” Danny answered, as his on-screen character smashed into a road. “It’s pretty cool.”
“Street Fighter 1 is better,” Tim said quickly. Steph, you’d better be right about this.
Danny glanced over at him. “Oh, really? That’s good to know. I’ll have to play that next. I found Street Fighter 3: The Streetening first, and have sort of been working my way backwards. It’s confusing, but fun.”
Danny didn’t say anything else, focusing back on his game. Tim quickly but discretely looked around the room, scanning for another topic. His eyes landed on a half-eaten bag of chips next to Danny.
“Processed foods are bad for you,” Tim blurted out, saying the first thing that came into his head. “You really shouldn’t eat them.”
Tim tried not to think about the identical bags filling up his bedroom trashcan.
Danny just laughed. “You sound like my sister. Fortunately the rules are a little different for ghosts. Hard to clog any arteries when you can turn intangible and let the cholesterol just fall right out.”
“Is that a thing you can do?” Tim asked, momentarily distracted by his mission.
“Probably,” Danny shrugged. “Haven’t felt the need to test that yet. Ask me again in fifty years.”
He thinks we’ll still be in contact fifty years from now!! Half of Tim swooned.
Damn it Tim, focus! The other half scolded. Remember the mission!
Tim spent the next ten minutes desperately trying to start an argument, a debate, any sort of disagreement. Unfortunately it seemed that Danny was the most agreeable guy on the planet.
“Hamburgers are best with Swiss cheese.”
“Really? I haven’t tried that before, I’ll have to give it a go.”
“Salad with ranch is just soup.”
“I never thought about it like that.”
“Shakespeare is stupid.”
“Right!?”
Tim was running out of topics. Maybe he needed to channel more of Steph and less of himself? He looked around the room, grabbed the first thing he saw (which happened to be the TV remote), and threw it directly at Danny’s head.
It passed completely through and landed anticlimactically on the other side of the couch.
Danny paused his game. He looked at the remote, and then at Tim. “What was that for?”
Tim’s mind was blank. “I thought I saw a bug.”
Danny looked between Tim and the remote again. “So your solution was to throw something at me?”
“...I panicked.”
A moment later Danny shrugged. “I get it, dude. Bugs can be freaky.”
“Yeah.” Tim stood up. “I just remembered I left my phone in the oven again.”
“Again? So it was there last time? Is that a normal place to leave it in this dimension? Like does it charge that way or…?”
Tim missed the last part of what Danny was saying, as he walked robotically out of the room. He stared unblinkingly into the middle distance, gazing at his failures. He let his feet carry him into the kitchen, where he sunk down into a seat, letting his face rest against the table.
“Tim?”
Tim opened his eyes just enough to see Bruce sitting across the table, halfway through lunch. Bruce set his fork down and looked at Tim with concern. “Is everything okay?” he asked.
“Yep,” Tim sighed. “Everything is hunky-dory.”
Bruce raised one eyebrow. “Something tells me it’s not.”
“Whatever gave you that idea?”
“Well,” Bruce said, looking at Tim slumped over on the table in pure dejection. “I am a detective, after all. What’s wrong?”
Tim sighed again for good measure. “It’s Danny.”
Tim looked over at Bruce just in time to see the man tense minutely. It was no secret that Bruce still wasn’t fully trusting of Danny.
“Nothing bad!” Tim was quick to say, raising his head a little. “It’s just…” Tim groaned. He couldn’t believe he was asking Bruce of all people for advice. But, he was here, and who knows? Maybe he’d know something.
“Bruce, how do you get someone to like you?”