Chapter Text
The next day was awkward. His uncle, in a sort of truce, had let him rest when he got home, though he reminded him that they were going to have a serious conversation about impulse control. Jin Ling didn’t mind as long as he was left alone for the rest of the day. He went to bed very early, and if it weren’t for having classes the next day, he would have stayed asleep even longer.
He said goodbye to his uncle and walked slowly to school. He had never felt so tired in his life, but it had been a few very difficult days full of intense emotions. When he arrived in the classroom, Lan Shizui greeted him with a small smile, while Lan Jingyi nodded, which Jin Ling returned.
They had agreed in the principal’s office that it was best to keep some distance so that all three of them could calm down. Lan Shizui seemed downcast, but he cheered up when Wei Wuxian told him that they hadn’t really ended their friendship, just paused it for the moment (Jin Ling didn’t like how good that sounded as advice).
Jin Ling met Ouyang Zizhen again and spent the break talking to him. He worried when he saw the slight scratches on his face (Lan Jingyi’s nails were too long and had managed to give him some good scratches; it almost looked like he had fought a cat rather than a human), but he didn’t hesitate to change the subject when Jin Ling said he really didn’t want to talk about it. It was relaxing to hear his voice without worrying about the Lans, Wei Wuxian, or even the conversation his uncle would have over the weekend.
That day, he left later, staying behind to clean with a teacher supervising. Lan Jingyi worked alongside him, but neither made any attempt to start a conversation.
“Maybe” Jin Ling thought “he’s just as tired as I am.”
That thought comforted him. When they were finally allowed to leave, Jin Ling said goodbye to the other boy (Lan Shizui had left earlier for private lessons, though he seemed to want to stay) and went home at a relaxed pace. His uncle greeted him with a simple question.
“When do you want to talk about what happened?”
Jin Ling thought carefully. His jiujiu only let him choose these things when he felt the teenager was overwhelmed (it had only happened twice before, if he remembered correctly), and although he didn’t like admitting it aloud, he was right.
“Next weekend?” he asked hopefully. It was a lot, but he didn’t feel well enough to talk about it tomorrow or this weekend, considering that his jiujiu would be talking to Wei Wuxian and he didn’t want to stress him further. Besides, he really wanted to be in a good mood at school.
His uncle frowned, displeased, but agreed. Finally, Friday came after the long week, a day very similar to Thursday. Jin Ling was somewhat uneasy, feeling that after so many eventful days, it was strange that nothing happened. And then, the weekend arrived.
“Don’t let him intimidate you” Jin Ling was very nervous watching his uncle grab the keys, ready to leave “The aunt will be around if he crosses the line, so don’t hesitate to ask for help.”
“Brat,” his uncle retorted, ruffling his hair, making Jin Ling grimace. It was incredible how he never failed despite not seeing “Who’s taking care of whom here? Let me worry about these things.”
Jin Ling was still worried, and there was nothing he could do to calm down. All he could do while watching his uncle leave was trust that the man was perfectly capable of taking care of himself.
*^*^*^*
He hadn’t told Jin Ling, but Jiang Cheng was much more nervous than he appeared. He was going to have a one-on-one conversation with someone he had dedicated a mourning period to, a conversation he didn’t really want but that was necessary for his nephew’s well-being. So, as his psychologist said, take a deep breath and go for it, because the one really going to get slapped was the world, not him.
(Yes, he was also surprised that someone would say that to him in therapy, but those were one of the many reasons he kept seeing that woman.)
Finally, he and Fairy arrived at the café. Luo Qingyang had reserved the back and told them to come an hour before opening so no one would bother them.
“Jiang Cheng” Luo Qingyang greeted him with concern “Wei Wuxian is already here and has taken a seat. How are you?”
“...Nervous” it had taken a lot to be able to be honest with the woman in front of him, but he had managed to be more open after many frustrating midnight conversations.
“You don’t have to do this, Cheng” her voice was worried, and the use of just his name indicated she was even more anxious than it seemed.
“I have to. A-Ling doesn’t deserve to lose friendships just because I can’t be polite to someone” he countered “And besides, if anything happens, you’ll be there to kick him out, right?”
A small laugh.
“I can and I will if necessary” she sounded proud “I left water on the table in case you need it. The glasses are refilled, and I left the bottle in the center.”
“Thanks, Qingyang” his voice softened. He didn’t know how he would have managed all these years without the wonderful woman in front of him.
“No problem, man. Eat him alive, okay?” she gently placed her hand on his shoulder before giving it a small squeeze “Fairy, follow me.”
The dog followed the restaurant owner to the reserved spot. Upon entering the room, he heard a chair squeak as it moved.
“Jiang Cheng” Wei Wuxian’s voice was nervous.
Jiang Cheng said nothing, simply allowing himself to be guided to the chair Luo Qingyang had prepared.
“If anything happens, call me, okay?” she whispered before the sound of a closing door told him that the two men were alone.
“I hope your husband isn’t secretly listening again,” he said, dragging his voice. He placed his hands on the table, feeling the cold wood.
“Don’t blame Lan Zhan, Jiang Cheng. It was my fault” Wei Wuxian sighed “I didn’t tell him you were blind, just that I had run into you. He thought you were ignoring him.”
“I think the guide dog is enough of a clue, but sure” he murmured, though something inside him felt reassured.
“And I apologize for not letting you know he was there” he sounded guilty “I guess part of me thought you knew he was there, but…”
“That man moves like a ghost” Jiang Cheng replied “He didn’t make a sound. Besides, we were in a café full of people talking, how would I have known your husband was there?”
“...Yeah, my bad” his voice betrayed awkwardness over the issue.
Jiang Cheng scoffed. Both remained silent, unsure how to start.
“Well” Jiang Cheng said as the silence stretched “Tell me your story. That’s why we’re here, right?”
“Where do I start…?” a deep sigh “I’ve come to think of my life in three parts: living with my parents, living with the Jiangs, and then living with the Lans. I actually think everything started after my parents died…”
The orphanage I lived in before Uncle Jiang found me was horrible. You know perfectly well that I’ve always had a hard time staying still, and the people at the orphanage hated that. They would often lock me in a room full of dogs that would bite me when, according to them, I had ‘misbehaved’. That's how I developed my fear of dogs…
“Is this going anywhere?”
“I’m telling this for a reason, really.”
When Uncle Jiang found me and you had to give up your dogs… Well, I felt awful. Shijie was kind to me, but I hated that you ignored me. Madam Yu used to argue a lot with your father about it since he took them without telling you… And, although as an adult I recognize it was the right thing because the dogs caused extreme anxiety to a child, Uncle Jiang was wrong to do it so abruptly and without letting you say goodbye. I can’t imagine doing that to A-Yuan.
“I told you many times that he never liked me, even if you didn’t want to admit it,” Jiang Cheng smiled bitterly. The boy always insisted when they were teenagers that his father loved him, but that was simply a lie.
“...”
That silence was answer enough.
…Back then, Madam Yu used to tell him that, since he had taken the dogs, Uncle Jiang owed you other pets. But Uncle Jiang ignored her. That line stuck with me, you know? I felt I owed you for making the dogs leave, so I tried even harder to be your friend.
“Wait” Jiang Cheng raised his hand, incredulous “…You became my friend out of guilt?”
The thought hurt more than he expected.
“No, Jiang Cheng! I wanted to be your friend from the moment I arrived at the Jiang house” his voice was sincere, but Jiang Cheng wasn’t entirely sure “But that just increased my attempts to be friends.”
That wasn’t as comforting as he intended.
When we finally started getting along, your father lifted me in his arms and… I don’t think I'll ever forget your little face full of betrayal. Then it was our fight, Shijie finding me, the soup… Well, what I want to get at is that from that moment, I felt I owed you in some way.
Jiang Cheng closed his hands, clenching them. His relationship had been… some kind of debt? Is that what he was implying? That it all came down to a ‘transaction’? He bit his tongue, trying with all his strength not to interrupt.
Madam Yu loved to say I was a charity case in the house, that I would never be your brother, hitting me with that stupid whip… And Uncle Jiang never did anything. Also, the arguments always revolved around Madam Yu comparing you to me and I… I didn’t know what to do. Heavens, Jiang Cheng, we were twelve, and they…
“They weren’t good parents” Jiang Cheng said, noticing Wei Wuxian fell silent.
“...No, they weren’t” a sigh.
I hated your dejected face after those arguments, and I always tried to annoy you to get you out of that dark cloud you’d stay in, but in the end I always got you in trouble and made Shijie have to try to calm his mother, and I… I suppose I began to think you’d be better off without me around, that I owed you for ruining the family.
Jiang Cheng drew a shaky breath, feeling it getting harder to breathe. He knew Wei Wuxian hid his pain behind constant smiles, but how didn’t he realize he felt that way?
I don’t know if Madam Yu told you, but after high school graduation she took me aside and told me that, since I was now an adult, it was no longer their responsibility that I lived in the Jiang house and that I had to pack my things as soon as possible and leave.
“…What?” Jiang Cheng was completely terrified.
“…You didn’t know” the man sounded both defeated and relieved at the same time. All this time he thought he agreed with my mother? Is that why he didn’t contact them?
I was in shock; I really don’t remember that day very well. I decided to leave the party with a few bottles of alcohol and started drinking them all. Remember the ibuprofen pills I carried for pain? I took them all at once.
“Jesus Christ, Wei Wuxian” Jiang Cheng didn’t know what to say. He didn’t even try to hide the horror in his voice “…That wasn’t normal."
“I took a long time to realize people don’t carry painkillers for the whippings they get at home” his voice was dry, but with a hint of pain.
…His childhood was pretty messed up, wasn’t it?
When I woke up, I was in the hospital. Lan Zhan had found me and brought me there. At first, all I wanted was to go back home to you guys, you know? I felt Madam Yu might have thrown away my things, that I wouldn’t have a chance to say goodbye.
But Lan Zhan told me I had been in a coma for about three days and that you hadn’t filed any search order, so I thought… That was it, nobody was waiting for me. I started thinking about many things. Did I have the right to come back, when I only made things worse? When I owed you and Shijie a normal childhood?
“Wei Wuxian” Jiang Cheng stopped him. He tried to interrupt as little as possible, but he wouldn’t let that thought linger longer than necessary “Even if you hadn’t been there, A-Jie and I would never have been loved in that house. Our parents were two bitter people who married for appearances, not love.”
Sixteen years was a long time to think and reflect. It wasn’t the children’s fault that the adults in charge had the emotional intelligence of a fish.
“Jiang Cheng…”
“Actually, things with them got worse when you left” he admitted before shaking his head “But I’ll talk about that later. I want to hear everything from you first.”
“...Alright.”
After that, I dissociated a bit. Lan Zhan tried to cheer me up but I was apathetic. Finally, he contacted his uncle.
“Lan Qiren?!” Jiang Cheng couldn’t exclaim in surprise. It had been so long since he thought of that man, but the memories were still strong in his mind “The principal of our high school?! But we shaved that man’s beard!”
Wei Wuxian let out a laugh. Wow. Sixteen years since he heard that. No, too many feelings to analyze.
“Imagine how surprised I was! I felt like I was going to get scolded any moment!”
Back on topic, with a little persuasion from Lan Zhan and reminding him that technically I was now an adult, he agreed to let me go with them to Gusu since he had accepted a job there and they were moving. I barely remember that first year. I couldn’t stop thinking about you and shijie and kept repeating to myself that you were better off without me.
Jiang Cheng inhaled and exhaled. Had Wei Wuxian always had this guilt complex? And nobody noticed? Not even A-Jie, the most emotionally intelligent in the family?
"At the end of the day,” he couldn’t help thinking sadly, “we were all kids. Not even she was omnipotent.”
You know? I asked Xichen-ge after our conversation why he didn’t tell me that Uncle Jiang and Madam Yu had died. He said it was because he feared I would self-destruct coming back to you guys, that that year they practically had to force me to eat, to bathe…
“Depression?” Jiang Cheng frowned, fury filling him at Lan Xichen’s decision. If he saw that man… Oh, the things he would say. He could understand not telling him immediately, but why not afterward?
“I guess?” he could imagine Wei Wuxian shrugging (if his gestures were like when he was a teenager, of course, as this may have changed and Jiang Cheng wouldn’t know) “I didn’t go to therapy, so I was never diagnosed with anything.”
Well, what really matters is that I wasn’t very present. It wasn’t until the third year that I began to improve a bit. There were some rabbits near the Lan house, and playing with them helped me little by little. After that, I got to know Lan Zhan better and, well…
“You fell in love” Jiang Cheng finished for him.
“Yeah” a sigh full of longing. Ugh, romance.
Lan Qiren wasn’t very happy that Lan Zhan was gay and practically expelled me the fifth year after catching us doing… ahem, things. I was lucky to meet a boy named Wen Ning who decided to help me, and I moved in with him. I continued seeing Lan Zhan and life started looking better. It was during those moments that I thought about calling you. I felt much better and guilty for not contacting you.
“Where was your phone?” Jiang Cheng interrupted, strongly ignoring his feelings during the story. He kept reminding himself he first needed to hear everything; he’d explode later.
“I broke it while getting drunk after graduation” his tone was guilty “I threw it on the ground in a fit and lost all contacts. My intention was to ask Xichen-ge to ask Nie Mingjue to have Nie Huaisang give me your numbers.”
Jiang Cheng nodded slowly, absorbing the information.
But then there was a tragedy in the Wen family. There was a massive fire where Wen Ning’s sister, Wen Qing, died, and the only survivors of the family were Wen Ning himself and a small boy. Wen Yuan.
“The Lan boy” Jiang Cheng said to himself, recognizing the name.
“Yep…” his tone was proud, contrasting with the somber tone he’d been telling the story “My little radish, A-Yuan.”
Wow. Wei Wuxian being a proud father. It suited him, though he hadn’t expected it.
Wen Ning remained in a coma for about six months with severe aftereffects when he woke up, so I decided to take care of the boy. I knew what orphanages could be like and didn’t want the boy to have to go through that. Lan Zhan came to help and ended up half convincing his uncle to let him take on the other part of A-Yuan’s guardianship as co-parent, with the condition that his surname would change to Lan. I focused a lot on his upbringing, trying to do my best, and when I realized it, more than a decade had passed since I saw you. How could I introduce myself after so long?
Jiang Cheng clenched his fists, concentrating on the breathing exercises his psychologist recommended. He wasn’t going to say anything until he finished, he wasn’t going to say anything…
Jingyi arrived when A-Yuan was about seven. His parents were relatives of Lan Qiren and died in an accident, so he came under his guardianship. Though with the times he spent at our house, it almost seemed like we are the parents, haha.
So the other Lan boy wasn’t legally his? From how Jin Ling explained it, he thought both boys were his.
It was thanks to Jingyi that we realized the other children at school were making fun of him for… well, having two gay fathers. We changed schools several times, but it seemed all of Gusu was homophobic. You know, considering what Madam Yu was like, I thought…
“When you go blind and have to take care of your nephew alone, many things put themselves into perspective” Jiang Cheng let out a dry laugh. Being discriminated against for his blindness certainly gave him more empathy for other marginalized groups “My last priority was whether two men or two women loved each other. I guess I passed that indifference on to Jin Ling.”
“...Oh” Wei Wuxian seemed uncomfortable, as if he didn’t know what to do with that information.
Back on topic, after many discussions we decided to move back to Yunmeng by the time the boys started high school, so nobody would recognize them and they could start fresh. I was exploring after leaving them at school and then…
“We met” Jiang Cheng sighed.
“Yeah…”
Both of them remained silent. From the sound in front of him, it seemed Wei Wuxian was drinking his water after talking so much.
“It’s my turn” Jiang Cheng felt a bitter smile spread across his face.
“Jiang Cheng, we can discuss what I’ve told you first, there’s no need to-”
“No” he cut him off “I’ve listened to you with few interruptions. Now it’s my turn.”
“...Okay.”
The first day after graduation, I didn’t worry too much. I thought you had gotten heavily drunk with Nie Huaisang and didn’t pay it much attention. But the second day, I began to worry, and when I contacted him, he told me he hadn’t seen you since graduation. I mentioned it to A-Jie, and we went to our parents. My mother seemed very pleased, as if her plan had succeeded, and with what you’ve told me… I suppose that’s how she saw it. But my father didn’t like that smile.
(Jiang Cheng couldn’t see the bitter smile on Wei Wuxian’s face.)
They started yelling at each other, and for the first time, my father raised his voice at my mother. A-Jie quickly made us go to her room, and we locked ourselves in there. The yelling lasted well into the night.
Jiang Cheng remembers his sister’s arms holding him tightly while rocking him. He remembers how she tried to distract him with silly questions or stories told by the neighborhood gossiping women. It didn’t drown out the noise, but it made it more bearable.
After that, my father didn’t come home for a whole week. My mother would slap us every time we asked about you, and in the end, A-Jie convinced me to stop asking. We tried calling you in secret, but… Well, although she normally used the whip on you, I wasn’t new to that kind of pain either.
“Jiang Cheng…” the man’s voice was watery and horrified, as if he were about to cry.
Jiang Cheng ignored him. He couldn’t stop or he would spiral.
When my father returned, there was practically no day they didn’t argue for an entire month. After that, they simply remained silent. My father became a ghost in his own house, and my mother began scolding me even more. She would say things like ‘Even without Wei Wuxian here, you’re still deficient!’
(Jiang Cheng couldn’t see the guilty grimace on the man in front of him. He could only hear his ragged breathing.)
There wasn’t a day I didn’t have anxiety attacks. I wanted to go to university and get away from everything, but I couldn’t leave A-Jie alone; you know that mom never intended to let her get higher education, always with her sexist nonsense…
He heard Wei Wuxian let out a snide chuckle. At least in this, they agreed.
I don’t know how, but A-Jie managed to convince mom to let her study culinary arts with some excuse that it would make her a better wife or something. Somehow, both of us moved to an apartment near the campus. I was still worried about you and tried calling you again since my mother couldn’t scold me for it, without much success.
A broken breath, as if holding back a sob.
(Jiang Cheng couldn’t see how Wei Wuxian rubbed his eyes, refusing to cry. He didn’t have the right.)
Honestly, the years at university were some of the best for me. My anxiety attacks decreased, and although my parents forced me to study business to continue with the family business, I can’t deny that I had a lot of fun. Luo Qingyang was in A-Jie’s class, and that led, a few months later, to her and Jin Zixuan reconnecting. University seemed to do him a lot of good, as he apologized to A-Jie for how he treated her during high school. They started talking and, well, by the end of the first year, they were dating.
(While Jiang Cheng continued speaking, he failed to notice Wei Wuxian’s frown. The man in front of him had only known one facet of the peacock: arrogant and rude. It was hard to reconcile his memories with what Jiang Cheng was saying.)
At first, I wasn’t too happy about it, but Luo Qingyang helped put things into perspective, and I got to know the real Jin Zixuan, not the stupid boy we met in high school. But shortly after the final exams of the first year, we were told our parents had died in a plane accident.
The chair creaked. Probably Wei Wuxian was fidgeting in his seat while listening.
I felt relieved, you know? No more yelling or hitting, but that led me into a spiral of guilt, because what child feels happy that their parents die? Qingyang helped me a lot, and we became quite good friends.
“You two…?” it was obvious what Wei Wuxian was asking.
“Ugh, no. She’s just my best friend. Besides, she’s married and has a daughter."
“What-?!”
“Where was I?”
The money they left us was enough to pay for university. After a serious conversation with A-Jie, we decided neither of us would take over the business. We completed the necessary paperwork, and the next year I began studying veterinary medicine.
Wei Wuxian smiled while listening to Jiang Cheng. He remembered how the man in front of him helped stray animals when they were teenagers. His smile turned sad, as it was clear he never got to practice in the end.
A-Jie’s degree was a two-year intensive course, same as Jin Zixuan’s, so by the time they finished, they had been dating for just over a year and a half. Jin Zixuan proposed shortly after finishing, and although it seemed a bit rushed to me, A-Jie was very happy, so Madam Jin and I worked hard to organize a traditional wedding. A week before the wedding, I tried calling you again. And again, you didn’t answer. By that point, I seriously considered that you might be dead.
(Jiang Cheng couldn’t see how Wei Wuxian closed his eyes and bit his lip. Guilt and self-loathing were eating him alive.)
A-Jie became pregnant with A-Ling shortly afterward. She didn’t tell me, but I saw her trying to call you secretly when she found out and crying when you didn’t answer.
(The pressure of his teeth on his lips increased to the point that they started bleeding. Wei Wuxian wiped the blood when he tasted metal in his mouth.)
A-Jie worked at a restaurant until about seven months pregnant, then went on leave. The boy was born in mid-November, and both were thrilled. I remember hearing A-Jie whisper to A-Ling that she would do everything possible to be a good mother and do it better than our mom.
(Seeing the bittersweet smile grow on Jiang Cheng’s face, Wei Wuxian had to make a massive effort not to let out the huge sob building in his throat.)
But then October came, a month before A-Ling’s first birthday. Jin Zixuan was driving, A-Jie in the passenger seat. I was in the back.
Jiang Cheng squeezed his closed eyes, taking a breath. He would never forget that day, and the feelings speaking about it were always too much.
We were coming back from A-Jie’s favorite market. It was later than usual, we had been a bit delayed. I was teasing A-Jie about her indecision in buying a few oranges when lights blinded us. A truck was heading straight for us.
(Wei Wuxian covered his mouth with his hand, swallowing the scream he wanted to let out. He hadn’t had time to process that Jiang Yanli, the woman he loved like a sister, was dead. Nor had he processed that he might have lost Jiang Cheng as well and never would have realized it. God, he really was a horrible person, huh?)
Jin Zixuan tried to swerve, but it was useless. Frontal collision off-center, we rolled over. My brother-in-law died on impact. My sister didn’t make it to the hospital due to the severity of her injuries. The truck driver died in the hospital, and the police officer who told me about the accident said he was drunk. Glass shards pierced my eyes, and when I woke up, I was told I had lost my brother-in-law, my sister, and my vision.
Jiang Cheng heard a loud sob before it abruptly stopped. The only thing the man could do was smile without any joy.
It took me a week to wake up and a whole month to leave the hospital, not counting the entire year I spent in rehabilitation. I had missed my nephew’s first birthday (hospitals aren’t for such young children) and almost missed the funeral of both if Madam Jin hadn’t delayed it when she learned I had woken up. I had to go in a wheelchair and couldn’t even see what was happening.
Jiang Cheng remembered how Luo Qingyang (who had helped him move in the wheelchair) cried heavily behind him, mourning her best friend. Jiang Cheng himself cried silently, eyes open despite the discomfort and that he couldn’t truly see what was happening around him. But at that moment, he didn’t care about anything.
“I missed the funeral” thought Wei Wuxian, clenching his fists “I don’t even know where she’s buried.”
The guilt grew.
Mentally, I wasn’t well. I was working to relearn how to live, only without one of the most important human senses. If not for Madam Jin’s constant visits with A-Ling… I don’t know what would have become of me. She also helped me with the insurance claim for the injuries from the drunk driver’s family, ensuring they couldn’t claim it later through inheritance. I owe her a lot.
He remembered how whenever she visited, Madam Jin would put Jin Ling in his arms. During those first months, the weight of the baby in his arms was the only thing keeping him sane, and he had the feeling she knew it.
A year after the accident, I used the money from our parents for the house I live in now. I was in a special program where I was never alone since a specialist stayed with me the whole time while I adjusted to blindness.
Jiang Cheng remembered the helplessness of being constantly watched. He couldn’t even go to the bathroom alone! And the monotone voice of the specialist only made it worse, with that stupid emotionless voice.
In between, I went to therapy. The first year was horrible, but I felt myself starting to improve in the second. When I finally got used to living daily as a blind person and the specialist left, Madam Jin died of cancer when A-Ling was four.
Wei Wuxian sighed deeply. Madam Jin was Madam Yu’s best friend, and although she wasn’t kind to him as a child, she wasn’t cruel either. And learning she died after helping Jiang Cheng so much… Well, it hurt.
That bastard Jin Guangshan didn’t want anything to do with his grandson, and we managed to reach an agreement. That’s how I ended up with full custody of A-Ling despite legally being blind.
Wei Wuxian gritted his teeth at that. That bastard…! But he wasn’t there either, so it wasn’t hypocritical for him to be angry? That thought discouraged him.
Taking care of A-Ling was a challenge. Children are naturally curious, and I couldn’t be attentive enough given my situation. The only thing that seemed to work to keep him still was telling him he was helping me. He felt important, you know?
Jiang Cheng felt a soft smile spread across his face. He still remembers that adorable squeaky voice saying not to worry, “I’ve got this, jiujiu! You rest!”
When the boy was seven, there was an… incident, and I decided maybe I needed more help. That’s how we ended up with Fairy, though at that time Jin Ling nicknamed her ‘Little Fairy’.
Jiang Cheng petted the dog lying at his feet, and she seemed happy if her tail hitting his legs meant anything. Jiang Cheng couldn’t see how Wei Wuxian tensed at the reminder of the dog’s presence.
“Jiang Cheng needs it” was what he constantly thought to stop himself from fleeing “Bear with it, Wei Wuxian.”
“Seems like the boy has your gift for bad names” he joked, trying to distract himself.
“Fairy is a perfectly respectable name,” Jiang Cheng frowned.
Wow, it was far too easy to fall back into the patterns of their adolescence. And the sudden silence from Wei Wuxian indicated he wasn’t the only one thinking that.
Jin Ling had always been a temperamental boy, and children can be cruel. He had many fights until he was six, and from then on, they decreased, so I was very surprised when the school called me on Wednesday. That boy is also overly protective and jumps to action easily…
“He loves you” Wei Wuxian smiled, recalling the trick the boy had pulled in the cafeteria. Lan Qiren had scolded them quite a bit due to all the negative press that started forming and that he had to deal with.
“That’s no excuse for acting the way he did” Jiang Cheng cleared his throat, ignoring the warm feeling that came with the other’s statement.
The thing is, it wasn’t easy. Few people want to hire a blind person, and I had been living off what my parents left and the money meant for my university, plus the inheritance from Madam Jin.
He remembers how surprised and emotional he was to learn he was in her will. Although surely she knew that Jiang Cheng would be the one taking care of her grandson, so she preferred to prevent rather than cure.
Due to his temperament, Jin Ling didn’t really have friends. I hoped he would meet more people in high school, but the ones he did meet…
“Were my boys” Wei Wuxian sighed “The universe really has it out for us, huh?”
“Seems like it.”
Both of them fell silent. Jiang Cheng felt along the table until he found the glass of water and drank it in one go. His mouth was very dry.
“Jiang Cheng, I…” Wei Wuxian’s voice was full of guilt and watery. It wouldn’t be surprising if he started crying at any moment “I-I’m so s-sorry for not being here when everything happened. I owed you so much and-.”
“That word again. ‘Owe’” Jiang Cheng mocked, setting the glass down on the table forcefully. This was starting to feel too much like that first conversation they had after meeting again “Was our relationship a transaction? That my sister cried because she couldn’t tell you about her pregnancy is reduced to a ‘debt’?”
“No! I-I-”
“Listen carefully, Wei Wuxian” everything he had been holding back erupted “I fully understand those first years you didn’t contact us if you were that lost. I’ll have a serious talk with Lan Xichen about what he did. But, according to your timeline, there’s a two-year gap from when you start knowing your ‘Lan Zhan’ to when Lan Qiren kicks you out. Are you seriously telling me that for two whole years, it didn’t occur to you to call us?”
“I-I-”
“If you had tried to contact us during that time, A-Jie would still be alive to receive the call. Not after that man kicked you out” Jiang Cheng spat. Because that was what hurt the most, right? That his sister never got to know what happened to the man in front of him “She died thinking that one of her little brother was dead.”
A sharp sob.
“You focused on raising your son, and that’s respectable” Jiang Cheng did the same for Jin Ling; he’d be a hypocrite if he said otherwise “And still, I kept answering calls from unknown numbers just for the possibility that it was you, even though I had already gone through grieving you. What does that say about you, Wei Wuxian? Was it really that hard to ask for my number? Because it hasn’t changed all these years.”
Ragged breathing. He hadn’t had much time to process that Wei Wuxian was alive besides reproaching him all these years, but he was fairly certain he would collapse entirely in the next therapy session he was going to schedule after this encounter.
“You know what I think? That you didn’t want to know about us because that would mean facing reality: that even if you didn’t truly decide to leave, you decided to stay there without saying anything.”
“You…!” his voice sounded furious amid the sobs “You think one conversation makes you understand what I had to go through? Wen Qing was my friend and she died, and Wen Ning went into a coma and I-!”
“My parents died!” he finally exploded “Then my sister and brother-in-law! I lost my vision and had to raise a child being blind and completely alone! Qingyang has her own life, she couldn’t always look after me! You want a competition about who suffered more?” his voice was full of venom “Because believe me, you’re not winning.”
The tense silence was only interrupted by the heavy breathing of both.
“If you keep using that word” Jiang Cheng practically spat “then I guess we were never really brothers. So tell me, Wei Wuxian, what the hell did you ‘owe’ me?”
A tense silence.
“No answer?” Jiang Cheng mocked “Strange, it’s not like I haven’t had any response about what happened to you for almost two decades now.”
“It’s really hard to talk to you” his voice sounded tired “I’m trying to apologize, and you-”
“Apologize? Then tell the fucking truth, coward!” Jiang Cheng slammed his fist on the table, startling Fairy “That you didn’t want to see us!”
More silence.
“Enough” Jiang Cheng stood up. He hated silence. “If this is how things are going to be, I’m not staying here anymore. I’m not dealing with an emotionally incompetent adult. Fairy, up.”
But just as he was really heading to the door…
“FUCK, YES!” Wei Wuxian exploded, stopping Jiang Cheng “I couldn’t stand the idea of coming back, okay?!”
Something in Jiang Cheng broke. His hand gripped Fairy’s harness. He couldn’t help laughing bitterly, but at least now he had confirmation. All those years of grieving had been pointless, huh?
“But not for what you think” Wei Wuxian sounded incredibly tired “I couldn’t stand the idea of returning to suffer under Madam Yu’s abuse or Uncle Jiang’s negligence. I couldn’t stand facing you knowing I had left you alone in that horrible house. I couldn’t stand the idea that… that you would hate me” his voice trembled.
“Did you really think A-Jie could hate you?” all the energy drained from his body “That we wouldn’t be happy to see you alive and not dead in a ditch, like we feared?”
A sob.
“I guess I didn’t think it through” his voice was bitter “You’re right, I’m a coward. I wanted to stay in my bubble of happiness with Lan Zhan but…”
“The past doesn’t disappear” Jiang Cheng turned toward Wei Wuxian’s voice “You simply learn to live with it. I’m sure you’ve had bursts of tears or anger for no apparent reason over the years.”
“How…?” sounded surprised.
“That’s what happens when you don’t acknowledge trauma. Your body keeps score even if your mind tries to forget” it took many therapy sessions for him to accept it “And now, it’s too late for one of us.”
Silence.
“...And for you?” his voice… was filled with so many feelings that Jiang Cheng had trouble deciphering it “Is it too late for us?”
“I don’t know,” Jiang Cheng answered honestly. There was too much shit between them to ignore it “Why did you come back to Yunmeng, Wei Wuxian?”
“...What do you mean?”
“Don’t play dumb” Jiang Cheng spat “There are plenty of places to move to, like Qinghe or Lanling. Why Yunmeng if you didn’t want to return?”
Silence.
“I…” Wei Wuxian cleared his throat “I guess a part of me always longed… to come back.”
“...You’re a walking contradiction.”
A small dry laugh.
“Tell me about it” Wei Wuxian teased “So…”
“I’m sticking with the same answer: I don’t know” Jiang Cheng sighed “We’re different people, Wei Wuxian. I’ve long forgotten your face.”
A small sob before light footsteps approached him.
“...Can I hold your hands?” Jiang Cheng frowned at the question but agreed.
Slightly calloused hands took his and guided them until they touched skin. Jiang Cheng’s breath caught when he realized what was happening. With trembling hands, he began to trace Wei Wuxian’s face.
His eyebrows were a bit bushier and his face sharper, but his nose was still the same upturned shape. He had crow’s feet, indicating he smiled a lot. His lips trembled slightly, clearly emotional about the situation.
A faint memory long faded came to mind: a smiling boy with baby fat still on his cheeks and bright eyes. Running one hand through his hair, he realized Wei Wuxian’s hair was even longer than before.
“You let your hair grow,” he murmured.
“You know I always liked it long” he felt with the hand still on his face how the man’s cheeks stretched, indicating he was smiling “And when I had the chance, I didn’t hesitate to let it grow” he felt the smile fade “We’ve changed, yes, but aren’t we still the same at heart?”
Jiang Cheng pulled his hands away from the other’s face, trying to calm down so they would stop shaking.
“You’re still smiling” he told himself. He didn’t know why he was reaffirming that fact.
“And you’re still frowning” something vulnerable leaked into Wei Wuxian’s voice “Even though your bun is messier than how you used to wear it.”
“Sorry for not caring about the look I can’t see,” he said, dragging his voice, causing Wei Wuxian to laugh in surprise.
“Dark humor, huh?” sounded amused.
“Like what I’m capable of seeing.”
Another laugh. Jiang Cheng felt his lips curl into a small smile. Many didn’t like his humor; they usually laughed awkwardly or stayed silent. Depending on how A-Ling was, he found it funny or not, and Qingyang usually huffed exasperatedly. It was liberating for someone to laugh without restraint for once.
“You know there’s still a lot to talk about, right?” Jiang Cheng said seriously, “A few laughs doesn't mean things are okay between us.”
“Yeah, I know” his voice was soft “I need to rethink certain things… And I think you do too.”
“Yeah” Jiang Cheng sighed “You should consider going to therapy, you know?”
“What? I don’t-”
“Childhood trauma, feelings of self-blame, avoidance of the traumatic experience, bottling socially recognized ‘bad’ emotions, dog phobia that directly affects you now” Jiang Cheng listed while pointing to Fairy beside him for the last one “And don’t think all that ‘wanting the pain to disappear’ and that depressive state isn’t worrying. Also, I’m pretty sure you have hyperactivity or something. The constant squeak of your chair told me you weren’t staying still.”
“Eh” Jiang Cheng huffed, amused by the confusion the single word showed “Never thought you’d be the one…”
“I had to step up if I didn’t want to mess up A-Ling”Jiang Cheng shrugged “And if you want this to work between us, you need professional help. I’m not going to be your therapist.”
“ …I’ll keep that in mind” his voice was weak.
Silence. Though for the first time, it was a comfortable one.
“...Can you give me your number?” his voice sounded hopeful.
Without a word, Jiang Cheng pulled out his phone.
“Phone, add new contact as ‘Wei Wuxian’” Jiang Cheng told him before handing it to Wei Wuxian, who began reciting his number somewhat confused. Once added, Jiang Cheng said: “Send the contact ‘Wei Wuxian’ the message ‘Hello, idiot.’”
“Hey!” despite the complaint, he sounded amused “Got it! Well, that’s handy.”
“Technology is quite accessible for the blind” Jiang Cheng shrugged.
“But you call it ‘Phone’? Give it a proper name, come on!”
“No.”
“So dry, Jiang Cheng!”
It was disconcerting how quickly things returned to how they were before. He really needed to talk to his psychologist.
“Tell your boys not to worry about A-Ling, I’ll talk to him” both were open to having a better relationship, so they shouldn’t clash so much in that regard.
“Thanks, Jiang Cheng. They were very happy the first day, you know? They said they finally found someone who didn’t hate gays” his voice was sincere and warm.
“Mhm. Goodbye, Wei Wuxian” Jiang Cheng headed for the exit, not acknowledging the last thing the other said. Really, all of that was the teens' business.
“See you around, Jiang Cheng.”
“You’ll be the one who sees me” Jiang Cheng smiled at the laugh.
Maybe… maybe they could end up okay. Not like before, it would never be like before again. But okay.