Chapter Text
“So, this weekend write a two page paper in Español about any animal. There is no class tomorrow. Don’t show up because I know I won’t. Have a great Thursday. You can leave now,” Chang raced out of the classroom before anybody else could stand up.
The study group didn't meet on Wednesday because there was no homework. They dragged their feet getting to the library. It was like somebody pressed the slow motion button. Matt closed the door when everybody was inside. With a painstaking slowness, the group pulled out the chairs and sat down.
Caroline was the first to speak, which is no surprise. “Well,” she started, “I know that this is the hardest assignment Chang has ever given us, but I think with the minimal effort you guys are accustomed to, we can do passable.”
“You’re finally speaking our language,” Klaus huffed. “Let’s do doable and passable.”
"Let’s pick an animal,” Elena spoke up.
Tyler shouted, “Dog?” He pointed to each person around the table, “Dog? Dog? Dog?” Everyone nodded in agreement with the choice in animal. The librarian knocked on the window to shush the group.
Caroline tried to lower her voice out of respect for the rules of the library, “Okay. I think we should write the paper in English. We keep the sentences very simple. And when we’re done, we divide the paper up. Since there are seven of us we only have to translate like a paragraph.”
Klaus perked up exponentially, “Brilliant, love.”
Bonnie opened her mouth to touch on the subject of Klaus calling Caroline love, but Caroline stopped her before it was too late, “Let’s stay on topic.”
Five minutes later, they were calling out the last of the sentences of the paper. Once they were done, Matt threw his head back and yawned, “Now, we need to divide up the paper.”
“Maybe we should take a short break so everybody can refresh,” Caroline threw out.
Collectively and with great relief, everyone said, “Yes.”
Before anybody could move, the Dean busted in with great flamboyance, “Dean, Dong. I’m just here to tell you guys about the Bachelor Auction tomorrow. The school is raising money to clean out the cafeteria.”
“Of course,” Klaus stated.
“Anyway, gang. We need a couple more bachelor’s to fill out the roster. We have Garrett, Star-Burns, Neil, Magnitude, and Leonard. Can I add you four to the list?” The Dean pointed to Klaus, Damon, Matt, and Tyler.
“Magnitude is a real get. We’re in,” Tyler noted and high fived with Matt.
“Good,” the Dean breathed with relief. “Damon? Klaus?” Neither of them confirmed or denied their willingness to participate. Knowing he needed them to really raise enough money, the Dean knew how to convince them, “I’ll give you a math credit.”
Both Damon and Klaus agreed with their too cool for school attitude, “Okay, sure.” The Dean threw his hands up in mini-celebration and went back to his office to add their names to the roster.
“Are we still taking a break?” Matt asked in light of the interruption.
“Yeah. Just come back in a couple of minutes,” Caroline answered. She was barely through her sentence before everyone was out the door. Klaus and Caroline were the only two left sitting at the table. “You aren’t leaving?” she inquired.
“No, I’m good here,” Klaus responded. “Are you going to bid on me at the auction tomorrow?”
“I’m sure you’ll have enough girls bidding on you. You don’t need me to boost your ego.”
Klaus chuckled, “I don’t want the other girls.”
Caroline smiled and began to blush, “I didn’t go out with Tyler.”
“Oh?” Klaus tried his best to hide his excitement.
“I told him I was busy or something,” Caroline began curling her hair around her finger.
“Do I make you nervous, love?” She scrunched her face. “I noticed that whenever you get nervous you play with your hair.”
Starting with Bonnie, the group began trickling in one by one. Klaus and Caroline straightened out their faces prepared to get back to work. Caroline divided up the two pages between the seven of them and they got right back to work. A meaningless conversation would begin and saunter off every couple of minutes to keep them somewhat invested. Before they knew it, the paper was done.
Before they left, Elena smiled to Bonnie and Caroline, “Since our friends are in the auction tomorrow, I think we should go and bid on them.”
“Of course,” the girls agreed.
Matt and Tyler beamed, “Nice.”
Tyler explained to the girls, “Whoever bids on me, I want to go for a lot.”
The bachelors were backstage and the auction was about to begin. All the girls and a few guys found their seats. The Dean stepped up to the mic and was greeted with feedback. The tech guy at the sound booth fixed that as quickly as he could.
“Hey Greendale Community College and welcome to the Bachelor Auction,” the cafeteria filled with a medial amount of applause. “Okay, let’s just jump right in. Our first bachelor is Garrett. Garrett is a member of the AV club. He’s taken an acting course and he is allergic to pollen. Let’s start the bidding at ten dollars.”
The bidding began and the price slowly started to creep higher than anybody thought he would go for. Finally, the bidding stopped at $48.
“Wow!” The Dean exclaimed. “Up next is Star-Burns. Alex is a fry cook in this very cafeteria. He has a son and is rumored to love cats. Let’s start the bidding at ten dollars.”
Alex’s bidding wasn’t as energetic as Garrett’s, but he was brought for $45.
“The next bachelor is Neil. Neil is an avid Dungeons and Dragons player. He also runs the Greendale radio station. Let’s start the bidding at ten dollars.”
Vicky stood up with her money in the air, “Fifty dollars. Nobody else bid.” Everyone remained silent out of fear.
The Dean continued, “The next bachelor is Magnitude. Magnitude needs no introduction. He is British and a one-man party. Let’s start the bidding at ten dollars.”
Due to Magnitude’s popularity around the school, almost every girl was screaming with admiration and bidding. He was finally sold for $96.
“That was quite exciting,” the Dean raved. “Up next is Leonard. Leonard was alive during many wars and is an enthusiastic fan of safe sex. Let’s start the bidding at ten dollars.”
Leonard received a few bids which resulted in him going for $36.
Bonnie, Caroline and Elena knew the boys from their study group were next. They sat up straighter in their seats and pulled out their wallets to check how much cash they had. Going into the auction, Bonnie decided she was going to bid on Damon. Klaus finally talked Caroline into bidding on him.
“Our next bachelor is Damon,” the girls lead everyone else into a roar of applause. “Damon supports women and the freedoms of their bodies,” the Dean read off the cards the bachelors filled out and raised his eyebrows at the total lack of surprise at Damon’s arrogance. “Let’s start the bidding at ten dollars.”
Bonnie yelled out, “Fifteen.”
A girl Bonnie recognized from her history class countered, “Sixty.”
Bonnie counted the money in her hand and shouted, “Ninety-five.” Damon spotted her and winked causing her to grin like an idiot from a RomCom.
A few other girls barked some bids and Elena yelled, “$115.” All the girls gaped and stared at her.
“And Damon goes to Elena,” the Dean clapped, thrilled the auction was raising more money than he originally thought. “The next bachelor is Matt. Matt loves to read and play pool. Let’s start the bidding at ten dollars.”
A few of the girls cooed and whispered how adorable they thought he was. The bidding commenced, Bonnie stopped everyone’s bid by offering what she offered for Damon, “Ninety-five dollars.”
The Dean continued to the next bachelor, “Tyler loves dogs and plays football. Let’s start the bidding at ten dollars.”
One girl bid twelve dollars on him. Tyler’s face looked sad and disappointed that nobody wanted him. Caroline had a minor internal conflict because she wanted to bid on Klaus, but Tyler was so hurt. Caroline bid, “$200.” Tyler threw his hands in the air and performed a victory dance.
The Dean could hardly control his enthusiasm at the success of the auction, “Our last bachelor is Klaus. Klaus didn’t write anything on his card. So, let’s just start the bidding at ten dollars.”
The girls went crazy and threw out numbers. But, he looked down because he was so sure Caroline would be bidding on him. Eventually he was sold for $252 to some random girl he had never seen.
The Dean was grinning from ear-to-ear because of the money raised, “Thank you so much for coming out to the bachelor auction in support of cleaning out the cafeteria. Congratulations to you lucky few on your bachelors. Enjoy your dates tonight. Have a good weekend.”