Chapter Text
In the last week I have felt quite gravid and unbalanced, I’m no longer walking but waddling, feeling a head wedged in your pelvis is not a pleasant sensation, not to mention the misfortune of having to go to the bathroom every half hour. Five days ago was my last appointment with the OB, jakob was quite excited to know the latest news that we will have of the baby before her birth, everything looks perfect, as it should be, she said I was 2 centimeters dilated and that the baby was ready to be born at any moment.
It's been four days since I turned 40 weeks so she's already a little overcooked, Otis and the girls come and go worried and excited about the approach of childbirth. We decided to have a delivery in the hospital, with the help of a doula and my gynecologist, making sure that only one nurse on duty comes and goes, we don't want many people in the room for the delivery to be calm and humanized. I will let my body do what it should do being as calm as possible, I don't want to go through the same horrible experience that I had with Otis, and Jakob it’s going to be there so I’m sure he will make it easier.
But I have had intermittent pain in my lower back for the last two days so I already told Jakob to be prepared as well as the children, they will stay in this house while Jakob and I go to the hospital. They don't want to witness it, only Ola showed any interest, but I don't want anyone else with me and she didn’t repeat it again.
Now I am on the balcony, barefoot, in my pajamas, robe open and sipping a cup of honeyed tea looking away, the morning breeze is soothing, the sun is beginning to rise and the temperature is rather low. Otis left for school a few minutes ago and Jakob called to let me know that it will take him an hour to come as he is with a client.
Finding a way to sleep last night was difficult, not only because it is difficult to find a comfortable position but because of the pain in my back and the ever-increasing bouts of anxiety knowing that the baby will soon be with us. My back is starting to ache again but this time it’s travelling round to my front and I know it immediately, my first real contraction, I place my left hand on my lower belly and sway a little through the discomfort.
I have not felt this sensation for 17 years but it is somewhat familiar, with Otis it was hours and hours in the hospital without anything happening, always in bed, following the orders of doctors and nurses, letting practitioners and shift doctors watch and touch as if it were something normal to feel observed and manipulated, without being able to do anything at all. I'm ready this time, and it should be the opposite, Otis was planned, this baby wasn't, but I have the experience and support to get it right this time.
After taking a shower and dressing in a long dress below the knee, I feel another contraction, this time I grab the door frame of the bedroom and breathe calmly trying to relax the tense muscles of my back and abdomen. It's been 40 minutes since my last contraction, Jakob will be here soon, and I want to see his face of enthusiasm and terror, because he will surely be terrified but he will try to hide it to give me security.
Ten minutes later the front door opens and Jakob comes to the living room where I am walking from one side to the other, I will not let the delivery be delayed, I will do everything possible to speed it up as much as possible
“Hi Jean!” he says frowning a little
“Morning Jakob” I say smiling with my hands on my lower back “Ready to welcome your daughter into the world?”
He opens his mouth a little and I see how his breathing stops for a few seconds, then he closes his mouth again and walks towards me pointing to my belly with his right hand.
"Is it time? Really?" he tells me with a smile of panic and surprise putting his hand on my belly
I nod with a half smile "Yes, I have had two contractions, 40 minutes apart, I am waiting for the next one to confirm"
He nods gulping "Ok, what do we do now? Do you want me to call the doctor or the doula, do you want me to make you something? Have you had breakfast?"
I look at him with a smile shaking my head "It's not time to call the doctor yet, I think you can make us some breakfast while we wait for my next contraction and maybe we can walk around the house later, what do you think?"
He nods and sighs "Ok, I can do that"
I smile at him again and caress his cheek with my right hand "Everything will be fine because you are with me"
He takes my hand and kisses the inside of my palm and then leans in to kiss me on the lips "If you're ready, so am I, it's time to have a baby"
After breakfast and exactly 45 minutes after the previous contraction, I feel another one, accompanied by a slight descent of the baby's head. I insist to Jakob that we take a walk and he agrees, giving me his arm so that I hold on to him firmly.
"Are you nervous?" he asks me as we walk slowly hand in hand
I look at him out of the corner of my eye and smile "No, I have been quite anxious and that has not allowed me to sleep very well, but I don't think they are nerves, it is more like a wish that this ends soon" I answer him rubbing circles on my belly
He smiles and nods
"What about you? Are you nervous?" I ask him this time
"A little" he says without hesitation "Not for me of course, but I can't help worrying about you, I know that having a baby is not an easy task, I think you are very brave Jean, and I think that today I will admire and love you much more"
I sigh a laugh looking away
If Remi had told me that, it would have been much easier, I would have felt stronger and less nervous. I shake my head trying to push away thoughts of the past, I must be focused on the present and how lucky I am to be able to do this for a second time next to a wonderful man
He looks at me with a smile “What?”
I stop walking and look at him “Thank you”
He frowns “Why?”
“For being here, for giving me a chance and a new life”
He nods with a smile and leans down to kiss my forehead, a new contraction makes me hold tight to him and lay my head on his chest breathing deeply.
He kisses my head running his hand up and down my back "Breathe, I am here" and somehow the pain is less intense
After two hours walking around the house I ask Jakob to go back inside, the last two contractions have been every 30 minutes but my back is killing me, so I need to rest a bit for what will come next. He tells me to take a nap while he prepares lunch, he doesn't want me to go to the hospital without having eaten something else, and I agree. Many hours can go by and having an empty stomach can make me more nauseous when the contractions get very close together, so I lie on the couch and fall asleep.
When I wake up again it’s almost midday, Jakob is sitting in the arm chair to my right, as soon as he sees me move he approaches me and helps me sit up again "How do you feel?"
I caress my belly with both my hands and nod “I’m very fine, I managed to rest”
“That’s good” he says sitting next to me and putting his right hand on top of mine “Let’s see how the contractions continue, do you want me to finish preparing lunch now? are you hungry?"
I frown with a sigh "The first thing is, please help me to stand up, I must go to the bathroom, and then I will accompany you to the kitchen for us to eat, ok?"
He nods and stands up to help me, I barely manage to be fully upright when a new contraction stronger than the previous ones makes me hold on tight to him
“I got you” he says holding me close and timing my contraction on his pulse watch, I bent my knees a little trying to relax the tension
“20 seconds” he says when he feel me relax again
I nod and we walk upstairs, I take the chance to check the hospital suitcase that is in the baby's room “Can you help me check that everything we need is in there?” I tell Jakob pointing to the suitcase on the floor
He nods grabbing the suitcase and putting it on the dresser for me to look at closely, then throw in a couple more blankets that I want, and some toiletries for me that were stored in a case in the bathroom drawer.At exactly 20 minutes I feel another contraction, he stands behind me putting pressure with his fingers on my lower back relieving the pressure a bit
“Now we are moving” he says holding a hand to me and grabbing the suitcase with the other helping me walk downstairs again
After two more contractions and lunch, we decided to call the doula to tell us when to go to the hospital. She informed us that we must wait for the contractions to be every 10 minutes to go, but that if my water breaks before that, it is better that we go.
I decided to walk and walk around the house, go up and down the stairs, always with Jakob by my side, massaging my shoulders and back, offering his chest to recline my head, whispering words of courage in my ear and telling me that everything is fine and that i am doing a great job. Almost another two hours and my contractions are every ten minutes now, lasting 30 seconds and I feel this is finally it, the real labor, and I can’t help it but feel a little anxious again
Jakob looks at me and nods “We should go now Jean, the last two contractions have been 10 minutes apart”
I nod breathing through my mouth “Ok, one last trip to the bathroom and we can go”
After using the bathroom and brushing my teeth I feel a new contraction starting and I reach my arm towards Jakob, before he can get completely close to me, I feel the baby’s head plummeted further down into her pelvis and I cry out at the sensation as amniotic fluid gush out of me and down my thighs, soaking the mat below “Fuck” I say cupping my belly with one hand and holding tight to Jakob’s arm with the other inhaling through my nose and exhaling through my mouth until the pain ceases
"Alright, first I will help you to take off your clothes so that you can rinse off and then we’re gonna get you new clothes and shoes"
I nod and we move fast, no time to waste, baby is on the way and seems to be moving fast
25 minutes later we are in the hospital, one more contraction at home and two on the way, a nurse takes us to the room, I take a sit on the bed and a minute later the doula is with us
“Well, It seems that the baby is eager to meet you two, things have moved fast since we spoke, how do you feel mom and dad?" she says with a smile
“We are fine, anxious because it’s happening fast, but okay” I say with a smile
What about you dad, ready to meet your little girl?”
“Oh yes” Jakob says with a big smile
“Very good, I’m gonna stay here for a few minutes to monitor your next contraction and then I'll bring your doctor over to check you out and change you to something more comfortable, okay?
I nod and she starts moving things around the room, like the gym ball, some monitors, pillows, and chairs. After the contraction and checking the baby's heartbeat, she gives me a robe to change, Jakob offers to help me with it and she goes to find my doctor.
Dr. Jones enters the room with a smile "I am not surprised to have you here so soon, how are the spirits mom?”
I smile caressing my belly “We are fine” I say and she nods
“That’s good, now let's check on your dilation, your water broke before coming here, right?”
“Yes, it was completely unexpected” I say with a frown
She smiles putting on the gloves and showing me how to settle in to check on me "Okay, you're already way ahead Jean, seven centimeters, almost completely effaced, you told me you don't want an epidural, right?"
"Yes, I don't want drugs"
"Very good mom, Dani will show you what you can do to keep progressing, I'll check you again in an hour, okay?"
I nod with a thank you
“Are you ready to be unconditional support, dad?” she asks to Jakob raising her eyebrows
“Yes doc, don’t worry” he answers with a smile
“That’s what I like to hear, see you guys later” she says waving goodbye
The next hour passes relatively quickly, Dani helps me to settle on the ball with jakob standing in front of me to give me balance, the rhythm of the contractions increases as well as their length, my breathing technique continues to help me but it is impossible for me to stop the low sounds that made the back of my throat vibrate with each contraction
Dani monitors the fetal well-being intermittently and gives me smiles that assure me that the baby is perfect and there aren’t complications, Jakob continues to massage any spot that I point out where I feel the most pressure and gives me kisses on the head and shoulders that make me feel safe and confident.
In the next hour and an inch more of dilatation Dani tells me to use the bathtub to calm my aching back. The bathtub is big enough to fit more than two people comfortably, Jakob asks if he can be inside with me like we talked about it a few weeks ago and Dani says that would be perfect
Jakob enters the water first in shorts and helps me take off my robe leaving only my bra, then he helps me sit up delicately and he sits behind me so that I can lie on his chest, the water immediately relieves my heaviness and pain and his hands caressing my arms and belly help me to relax
The contractions increase to every 3 minutes, lasting 50 seconds and the pain is almost unbearable, Dani says that I am already at 9 centimeters and that get ready for the pushing process will begin soon. The doctor comes to see me again and congratulates me on the good job, she says she will be back in half an hour so that is time to choose if I’m gonna have the baby in the tub or outside
My body tells me to go out, so I decide to give birth outside, Jakob tells me that whatever I decide will be done and helps me out of the bathtub, he stands up first and ties a towel around his waist to help me out. Dani gives him a towel and he undoes my bra and begins to gently dry me, a new contraction makes me gasp and I plant both my hands on his shoulders feeling my belly tight between my parted thighs, I look at him with unfocused eyes and he holds me by my waist kissing my head, when the contraction ends he helps me get out of the bathtub, dries my legs and helps me put my robe back on but another contraction hits me hard and I lean into him as he ties the back of my gown while I take deep breaths and a few grunts
Dani walks to me and caresses my back until de contraction is over “Alright Jean, we better move to the room, we will help you”
I walk slowly back towards the bed feeling the head of the baby pushing down making it incredibly difficult for me to move
“I can feel the head of the baby, I can’t walk any further” I say panting
“Just a few more, Jean” she says with her hands on my lower back
About four steps before make it to the bed I feel my whole body seize and I give my first push unable to control the impulse “She’s coming” It’s all I can say feeling my body pushing me down
She runs away and throws some towels and blankets on the floor so I can kneel down right where I am, Jakob holding me all the time, he kneels in front of me while Dani kneels behind me to see if the baby's head is already visible
“Ok Jean, you are doing it great, just ease into it”
When the contraction ends, I move forward and Jakob moves to the side so that I am supported on my hands and knees. He caresses my back while Dani leaves the room to call the doctor
When she comes back she brings a warm cloth with her and puts it on my perineum to soften the area and help at the time of delivery.
I feel my whole body on fire, my hair is soaked wet and I take advantage of the towels around me and settle my head onto the towel in front of me and rest my weight on my elbows
The doctor comes into the room and I can hear her smiling while she talks “Ok, this is a marvelous display, seems like you are ready to push Jean”
“I’m already doing it” It’s all I got to say before my body starts pushing again, I feel the baby’s head fighting to be freed and I gasp, sucking air into my lungs “Oh my god” I scream feeling the sting of the ring of fire
The doctor puts her hand on my back taking Dani’s place “Alright Jean, The baby’s head became visible for a few seconds, you’re going to start crowning with the next one so when I tell you, you need to stop pushing and blow, ok?”
I nod with a grunt and I straighten up a bit until I am in my hands again, Jakob steps closer and collects my hair back and ties it in a ponytail, I look at him and half smile at him in gratitude
Four more pushes and nothing happens, the baby's head retracts after each contraction leaving me completely frustrated, Dani moves to the opposite side of Jakob and leans down to talk to me "Jean, I think we better change your position so the baby can come out, okay?"
I nod and Jakob kneels in front of me again so I can hold into his shoulders while Dani moves some pillows so I can turn around and face the doctor, after positioning me, Jakob takes one of my legs and Dani the other and I start pushing again through a new contraction, this time the baby’s head stays visible and the burning is unbearable
“This is it Jean, remember my indications: Push, blow, push, blow, ready?” the doctor says
I nod unable to speak and in the next contraction my grunts are louder “Oh shit” I scream out loud feeling the head coming out
“Stop pushing Jean, blow that candle for me”
After a few more pushes the head is out and Jakob is crying next to me kissing my forehead, the doctor suctions the baby’s mouth and nose and I reach one hand down trying to feel the baby, she guides my hand and I feel her hair on my fingers
“That’s a lot of hair” I say in tears
Another push and the baby is out squealing, Dani cleans her up and lowers my robe a little to put the baby on my chest
“It’s a baby girl, congratulations mom and dad” the doctor says, but I can barely hear her, my whole focus is on the baby in front of me, she’s absolutely perfect
“Hi there baby girl” I whisper to the baby who is now calm running her pink little hands on my skin, I clutch her closer and kiss her head with a smile, then I look up and see Jakob crying, I reach out a hand for him and he leans down kissing my forehead, the he caresses one of the baby’s hands and kisses it too “Welcome to the world, Alana” I said looking down to the baby and then to him
He looks at me frowning and then smiles brightly “It’s perfect Jean”
I nod and kiss her head again, inhaling her essence and keeping it in my mind, she opens her mouth searching for her food, I help her latch and she nurses happily
After delivering the placenta, and cutting the umbilical cord, the doctor takes the baby while Jakob and Dani help me to get up and move to the bed freshly changed, the feeling that all my insides are going to fall to the ground makes me gasp.
An hour later Ola, Elin and Otis come to see their new sister, everyone looks at her ecstatic and can't wait to hold her to kiss her forehead and rock her a little
“She’s perfect mom, you did it, you are incredible” says Otis while holding her
After our children go home promising to behave and give more kisses to the baby, Jakob sits next to me on my bed holding Alana in his arms "Look Alana, this is your mom, the most incredible woman in the world, the most loving and the most inappropriate"
I chuckle with tears in my eyes caressing the baby's head
"She told me that she was not ready to love me, but it was not true, she loves with all her being and although sometimes she is afraid and feels insecure, her big heart shows me all her love, not necessarily with words, but with actions, you are very lucky to come to have her as your mom, she is the best mother in the world. She was afraid to have you, you know, she really was, but she was brave and took the challenge, and thanks to her you are here right now, I hope you feel as proud of her one day as I am right now"
I cannot stop the crying that emanates from my chest and the tears that roll down my cheeks, since I got pregnant I was afraid of Jakob's reaction, my ability to be a mother again, what others would say, to disappoint Otis , to be rejected by Ola and Elin, but all those fears were unfounded, they were my own weaknesses and doubts. I can't imagine a more perfect moment in my life than this, a newborn daughter, three teenage children and a wonderful man to hold me on the way.
“I love you Jakob” I say leaning my hand on his shoulder
“I love you too Jean”