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James sat in stunned silence for a long moment. “I’m not sure I understand you,” he managed.
“When I knew I was going over, I thought I’d never get the chance to tell you. Not going to lose the opportunity again.”
“Robbie. What are you saying?”
“Saying that I care about you, you daft sod.”
“Yes, obviously, but…”
“Have you never realised how much time we spend together, off-duty?” James tilted his head to one side, eyes never leaving Robbie’s. “Noticed how I always invite you for a pint after work? Wondered why that turns into takeaway so often?” Robbie cleared his throat. “Or why Laura and I didn’t exactly work?”
“But you’re…”
“What?”
“You’re not gay,” James stammered.
“Not gay, no. I loved me wife. But not exactly straight, either.”
James opened his mouth, then shut it, completely stymied.
“Have I finally managed to make you speechless?”
“This is just coming up now?” James stumbled over the question, feeling remarkably like his ears were playing tricks on his brain. Any moment, he’d wake up, having fallen asleep again by Robbie’s bedside, he was certain.
“Never been much good with words,” Robbie told him wryly. “But how’d you put it? People don’t fit into neat little boxes.” James inclined his head, and Robbie continued, “Couldn’t work out how to tell you, then, that it was all right. The more I tried, the more out of sorts you got.”
James managed a smile at that, but it felt like a maelstrom was raging inside him; heart and head fighting for dominance.
“I don’t expect that you feel the same way,” Robbie said. “And I’ll understand if you feel like you have to request a transfer. But facing death does funny things to a man; I couldn’t not tell you now, consequences be damned.”
James struggled to find a way to fit words to what was inside him. “Are you actually saying that you’re… interested in me? Romantically?”
Robbie shrugged. “I’ve never let meself think about it before now, not really. You’re me bagman. I couldn’t take advantage of that relationship, even after I realised…”
“Realised that you’d come to …care for me,” James finished when Robbie trailed off. Robbie nodded. Something else Robbie’d said penetrated then. “Does Dr Hobson know how you feel about me?”
Robbie grimaced. “I never told her, but I think she may have suspected. No flies on that one, are there, and she took the mickey more than once about me spending more time with you than with her.”
“How long?”
“What?”
“How long have you felt this way?”
“Think I first realised it when I thought I’d lost you, after Katherine Dutta nearly stuck that needle in your neck. I couldn’t admit it at first, though. Finally pushed me to take up with Laura; to prove to meself I was the same man Val’d married.”
“What happened?”
“Proved something else, instead.”
“What was that?”
Robbie gave him a long look. “That I love you, James Hathaway.”