Chapter Text
“Bones, I want you and Spock to meet with Prince Elluride on Guakos while I am attending that conference in San Francisco. Officially, it is a state visit. But unofficially, it will be a vacation for you, too. You should have a wonderful time. It’s a warm climate with a lot of resorts in the area around the palace. The whole planet is fast becoming quite popular for vacations, in fact. I will be envious, but unfortunately, I cannot attend.”
“Well, this sounds more like it, Jim,” McCoy said with a lazy smile. “About time that Spock and I got some vacation days while you’re slaving away at a conference.”
“You guys deserve it.”
“Yes, sir, lounging by a pool all day and attending parties at night. Tough duty, but I believe that Spock and I can handle it. Isn’t that right, Commander?” McCoy asked as he turned to Spock standing beside him.
“Most assuredly, Dr. McCoy. It sounds intriguing.”
“Why, we might even get some suntan on you. Give you a tan line that will intrigue the pants right off the ladies, IF you know what I mean.”
“Even your sort of intrigue might be acceptable to me, Doctor. Maybe it is about time that I become more adventuresome with the opposite sex.”
“Oh, ho, Jim! Sounds like I’m going to have a tiger on my hands! If you hear something scandalous about us, it’ll be true! And let’s hope that it’s just the tip of the iceberg. You may have to come bail us out of prison if we get into the kind of trouble that I’m hoping we’ll find. Or maybe we might even make it happen ourselves. Blow the dust, and stink, off the locals. Watch out citizens of Guakos! Lock up your pretty girls and best looking goats! The boys are back in town and raring for action!”
Kirk grinned. “Don’t be going too crazy! Remember that you are representing the Federation in general and the Enterprise in particular.”
McCoy gave him a lazy grin. “And we are also representing James T. Kirk. I believe that in some areas, Captain, your reputation precedes you. We can‘t diminish your sterling record, can we?” He gave Kirk a wise, knowing look. “And that record has nothing to do with the conference table. IF you know what I mean.”
“Now don’t be assuming that you have to equal or exceed my reputation.” He grinned again. “But I’d be disappointed if you didn’t try.”
“Yes sir, I believe that you are sending the right ones to handle this detail. In fact, we might not want to leave, especially if the guards are female. And all of that swimming pool time will probably provide some distraction of the female variety for us.“ He looked Spock over. “We’ll have to get Spock a whole wardrobe of teeny, tiny bikini trunks so there isn’t a whole lot of him that doesn’t get tanned. I expect we should take our dress uniforms. There will probably be a lot of cocktail parties and sit-down dinners that we’ll just ‘have’ to attend!” McCoy grinned, indicating that the fancy affairs would be no problem, at all. “Don’t worry, Jim. I believe that Spock and I can handle this nuisance duty while you’re living it up in San Francisco.”
After Spock and McCoy left, Scotty said, “But, Captain, why is Dr. McCoy talking about taking all of those clothes that they won’t be needing? Does he really realize where he’s going? That Guakos is the same kind of planet as Solaris Three?”
“Apparently, he has no idea.”
“But aren’t you going to tell him?! Won’t it be a terrible shock when he discovers that the whole planet is a nudist colony?!”
“Some things, Scotty, a guy just has to discover for himself.”
“You are being ornery, Captain.”
“The only thing I regret is that we won’t be there to witness their reactions.”
“Aye,” Scotty agreed as he returned the grin.
“Scotty, I believe that we’re both ornery.”
“Aye!”
“Well, there it is, Spock. Guakos,” McCoy said as he looked out the window of the shuttle. “Have you ever seen anything so green and lush and warm-looking and inviting before?”
“Maybe California after the rainy season.”
“Poor Jim! Back in California, slaving away! Well, you know what they say! When the cat’s away, the mice will play! And I can’t wait to get to the playing part!”
“We do have to meet the dignitaries that I assume will be greeting our shuttle. As official Starfleet representatives, we will be afforded every courtesy, I am certain.”
“I’m counting on that, Spock! Room service from cute maids! Body massages by comely maidens in bursting bikinis. No Ivan will be wanted to flex my muscles! And food! The best of fresh food! Nothing reconstituted for us on this vacation! Yes, sir, Spock! By the end of this duty call, we will be buffed and rejuvenated, inside and out!” He actually winked. “Your own mother won’t even recognize you!”
“That is what I am afraid of, Doctor.”
“Don’t worry, Spock. I’ll return you to the Enterprise in as pristine state as when you left. I’m a doctor. I know things. I’ll be able to restore us. I know I said that I’d show you the ropes, but perhaps I should let Jim have that honor.”
“If you were Vulcan, you would have to state the true facts. I believe that your reason is that you do not wish me slowing you down in your endeavors to become friendly with the female of the species on this planet.”
McCoy’s eyes twinkled as he slapped Spock’s arm. “I can’t get anything past you, can I?! You know me so well!” he said as he charged for the door of the shuttle.
“Sadly, I do,” Spock said with a sigh.
“Come on, Spock! Don’t lag!”
They disembarked and stood on the tarmac.
“Just smell that air, Spock! It’s so pure!”
“It is quite stimulating. As if it was mountain air or supercharged with oxygen.” Spock breathed deeply. "Quite stimulating, indeed.”
“You just wait! I have a feeling that there will be a whole lot on this planet to stimulate us! Look! I believe that must be our welcoming committee under all of those fluttering canopies! Come on, Spock! Let’s go meet the locals! I hope they have a lot of pretty girls with them! Or know where we can find them!”
“No doubt they will know of all sorts of ways to stimulate us, Doctor. But none will be as invigorating as your imagination,” he muttered.
“What? What are you mumbling about, Spock?! Come on! Keep up!”
Spock sighed to himself. He figured he would hear McCoy use those expressions to him more than once during their upcoming holiday. He hoped that it meant that Spock had fallen behind in walking, but he feared that McCoy might use it in dens of iniquity and sin. Spock shuttered when he considered what sort of activities that McCoy would endeavor to have him join. What was the name of this planet again? Babylon?
And then as he walked closer to the smiling natives who had gathered to greet them, Spock thought that perhaps they had landed in sinful Babylon. And so did McCoy. Because, as they got closer to their hosts, some rather startling facts were becoming clear. And it couldn’t be caused by the fact that the people were standing in the shade of canopies.
Spock and McCoy walked toward the line of dignitaries. Men, women, children. Bright teeth. Smiling faces. Eager looks and intelligence shining from their eyes.
And not a one of the natives was wearing any clothes!
McCoy’s eyes were getting bigger the closer he got to them. Everywhere his eyes darted, he saw the same things. Long, exquisitely dressed hair rustling gently in the breeze. Bare breasts. Exposed genitalia. And nobody was scrambling to cover themselves.
At last he could take it no longer and mumbled out of the side of his mouth, “Spock! What the hell is going on?”
“It appears that we are grossly overdressed for the occasion, Doctor.”
“But, but this is a state visit. All the dignitaries are here.”
“And apparently in the ALL together.”
McCoy made a note to speak with Spock later about his dry sense of humor, if he could remember anything about this meeting except for all of this bare skin facing him.
At that moment an elderly man stepped forward. Shriveled, McCoy thought. Elderly. He realized that on this planet he didn’t have to look at a man’s face to determine his age. A simple glance down would determine real age. On second thought, looking at people’s faces had never bothered him as much as this view did. Up, McCoy, look up, he had to remind himself. The man’s face is up on his shoulders, not below his belt. If the guy was wearing a belt. Or trousers. Or underpants.
“Hail, soldiers of the Enterprise!”
The man’s right arm flew upward in salute and so did other things, McCoy noted. The old man wasn’t as old as McCoy had figured. Or he was spry for his age.
Eyes upward on the old man’s face, shoulders, eyes. Ah, better. Not as intriguing, but better. From his peripheral vision, McCoy could see Spock fighting a grin. Damn it, Vulcan! Stop it! Now is not the time to be developing a sense of humor! Especially when I’m trying to keep a straight face.
If you laugh, Spock, I will, also, McCoy thought. If that happens, we might as well turn around and get back on the shuttle. Our mission will have failed in ten minutes, from touchdown to liftoff. That will surely be some sort of intergalactic record that will not please Jim Kirk. Plus the story of our insulting the people of Guakos would travel the universe. Not another record that Kirk would want attached to the Enterprise. Kirk was a little touchy about the Enterprise and her reputation. He was kind of like the father of a teenage girl, in that respect.
“Well, I don’t know if we’re soldiers, per se,” McCoy mumbled. “But I’m Dr. McCoy and this is Science Officer Mr. Spock.”
“So happy to greet you,” the old man assured them. “May I present my daughter Demetria?”
A young women in her mid-twenties stepped forward. She had green eyes and blonde hair that reached to her waist. It covered her breasts nicely, but did not extend far enough to hide her other attributes. Her golden triangle was well displayed. McCoy noted that she was a natural blonde. He wondered how Spock was registering this information. He hoped that Spock wasn’t reacting the same way he was to the sight of a young, beautiful, NAKED woman in his immediate vicinity. He hoped that their conditions weren’t noticeable to their host.
Surely, that was a similar problem with other guys in the area. The sight of a beautiful woman was always stimulating, especially if she was unclothed. McCoy knew about male libidos and sexuality. He’d studied that in medical school and had personal knowledge of the phenomenon as much as any other guy in the universe. Young men especially reacted, markedly and often. You didn’t have to be a doctor to know that. McCoy looked around casually. Yep, there was a male response. And another. Nobody seemed to notice. Not the encumbered young men with the obvious problem. Or the young ladies who were the cause of the problem. Or the fathers of the young ladies who were suppose to be escorting and protecting their daughters. He supposed if it was an everyday sight, nobody noticed anymore. But it wasn’t an everyday sight to him and Spock. McCoy wasn’t certain about Spock, but McCoy knew for damn sure that he was noticing! And McCoy figured that Vulcan society was more repressed than Earthling’s.
The old man looked around McCoy toward the shuttle.
“What are those bags being unloaded?” the old man asked with curiosity.
“Well, it’s our luggage.”
“Luggage?”
“Cases in which we carry our toiletries and medications and, ah, clothing.”
“Clothing?”
“You know, articles of apparel similar to what we are now wearing.” He glanced down at his dress blues as if to invite Prince Elluride to do so, also. “This is my customary uniform while on duty. My fellow officer and I thought that it would be appropriate for travel and for greeting you.”
“Well, perhaps. I suggest that we discuss it later. I suppose that you and Mr. Spock would like to see your suite and rest for awhile.”
McCoy smiled. “That would be appreciated, Prince Elluride. I feel that I am in the mood for a little quiet time. I have been experiencing a lot of eyestrain recently.” Quite recently, in fact. But he didn't share that information with his royal host.