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It was a quiet night aboard the great Rainbow Rumpus Partytown. Of course, as her cherry suited pixie navigator would remind her, it wasn’t night at all, since night and day were relative to planetary motion and they were in space and therefore existed completely outside of such constructs! She would also be sure to enthusiastically add that it was always quiet, as space is a silent void through which sound cannot travel.
Terezi Pyrope, vigilante and accidental pirate, surveyed the deep licorice starscape extending before them. The stars were like sugar crystals scattered across the heavens. But something was wrong. Terezi took out her prized smell-o-scope and put it to her nose, sweeping the skies for some disturbance.
The unmistakable scent of blueberry sent her reeling! There was another spacecraft within their sights. Just as she had suspected. Vriska was so easy to predict.
“She’s straight ahead of us!” Terezi called to her crew, collapsing her smell-o-scope in one sharp motion.
“Impawsible!” said Nepeta Leijon excitedly. “She hasn’t shown up on any of our equipment! Purrhaps her ship is cloaked!” Nepeta was excitable. She was also an excellent communications officer and an even better roleplayer. This was a skillset that Terezi respected.
“Must be new technology, after we found our way around her last system,” said Terezi. “Aradia, she’s at twelve o’clock! Full speed ahead!”
“Aye-aye!” said Aradia, and slammed the throttle forward. The whole ship lurched and barreled toward the scent of blueberry at ever increasing speeds. Terezi braced herself using her cane and managed to not fall over, laughing all the while.
This was not the first vessel Terezi had commanded. This ship was, overall, more maneuverable, faster, and better armed than the dinky little passenger ship Terezi had started with. Her first ship she had stolen from Vriska, who had stolen it from the Great Alternian Space Station right before she was supposed to be shipped out to her career assignment. Terezi and her crew had graciously dropped Vriska off on the planet where she was supposed to start her adult life before taking off with the newly rechristened N0t Y0ur Lucky Br8k. The Rainbow Rumpus Partytown had been stolen from another criminal operation (which she had delivered to a prison planet along with a sizeable file of evidence against them.)
Captain Pyrope prided herself on running what was perhaps the first legally unassailable pirating operation in Alternian history. Sure, virtually everything in the storage rooms was stolen, as was the ship itself, (now painted in beautiful bright colors, emblazoned with its name, and adorned with several artistic renditions of dragons, cats, and various symbols of death) but she hadn’t been the first to steal any of it, and she had extensive proof of that. No victim of the Rainbow Rumpus Partytown could file suit against her without also facing the risk of being disemboweled by His Honorable Tyranny’s mighty claws and then succinctly devoured.
As they hurtled through space, Terezi rechecked her smell-o-scope, searching for that hint of blueberry, when quite suddenly, she didn’t need her smell-o-scope at all. Nepeta gasped and Aradia checked their speed as the other ship uncloaked, appearing out of the darkness of space like it had only passed behind a cloud. Terezi wrinkled her nose at it. Vriska’s newest ship was ridiculously gaudy. The Marquise looked just like one of her old seafaring pirate ships from their FLARPing days. It was painted gold with a blueberry figure somehow attached to the prow, and from the top of the ship sprung a forest of completely unnecessary ropes and sails. Terezi did not understand what Vriska was trying to accomplish here.
“Aradia, you stay here,” Terezi instructed. “Nepeta, with me. We’re boarding that ship.”
“Um, I’ll try hacking into their transportalizers,” promised Nepeta. “But there’s an incoming transmission furom their ship. Should I answer?”
Terezi sighed dramatically. “Fine,” she said. “Put them on.”
A holographic screen appeared in front of her. After a moment of static, Vriska’s smug face plastered itself all over the place.
“Helloooooooo!” she drawled at them.
“Serket,” Terezi acknowledged tersely. “Your movements are obvious. When I heard you had attacked ships along this route I knew you would be milking it for all it was worth until someone stopped you.”
“Is that how it’s going to be?” said Vriska. “Well, fine. I don’t understand what you’re mad about, though. Last time we saw each other, wasn’t it you that took an entire crew’s worth of legendary weapons that were supposed to be mine?”
“There weren’t legendary, they were just expensive, and I do not see why you had to kill their previous owners! But you’ll be happy to know we got an excellent price for them.”
“See, I have every right to be mad about that!” declared Vriska. “I’m not, though. Someone has to be the better troll here.”
“Why are you so convinced it’s you?” Terezi shot back. Vriska waved it off.
“We have more important things to talk about than this,” she said. “I invite you aboard my ship for a private conference on a matter of immediate importance.”
“Isn’t it funny how this smells exactly like a trap?” asked Terezi dryly. “Anything you want to say to me can be said now, Vriska.”
“I can’t be certain that this channel is secure, duh! You have my word that you will not be attacked aboard my ship unless you start it!”
“Very well!” said Terezi. “I accept your invitation. Patch your transportalizer in to ours. Nepeta, end transmission.” The projection disappeared. “And be ready to follow at my signal.”
“Roger,” said Nepeta with a casual salute.
Terezi took her place on the bridge’s transportalizer, and with a nod at her crew, she disappeared.
She had never dreamed that she'd go outside the law. From the day she pupated, she'd always dreamed of being a legislacerator. She read legal texts in her spare time and imagined how she would present cases to His Honorable Tyranny. She looked forward to specialized schoolfeeding, passing the Cruelest Bar, and proving her worth in the courtblock. Unfortunately, she never got the chance to do any of this. One look at her profile and the career counseliminator had filed her as disabled and recommended her for office work or menial labor once offplanet, and culling if that “proved too much for her.” Her application to legal schoolfeeding was, of course, denied.
This was a sad and rumpusless day in the life of Terezi Pyrope. A message from Vriska did not improve things.
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling gallowCalibrator [GC]
AG: So I heard you got assigned rustblood work!
AG: That totally sucks.
AG: But I guess those are the br8ks sometimes!
AG: I know you'll roll with it. ::::)
GC: WHY 4R3 YOU T4LK1NG TO M3
AG: Wow, rude!!!!!!!!
AG: Just offering some words of comfort!
GC: W3LL 1 DON'T N33D YOUR P1TY 4ND 1T 1SN'T H3LP1NG 4NYW4Y
AG: Fine!
AG: ........
GC: WH4T
AG: Nothing!
GC: 1F YOU 4R3 TRY1NG TO G3T M3 TO 4SK YOU 4BOUT YOUR ASS1GNM3NT TH3N YOU 4R3 3V3N MOR3 SOC14LLY 1N3PT TH4N 1 PR3V1OUSLY SUSP3CT3D.
AG: Well I w8sn't, so cool it!
AG: Like I even care wh8t some stuffy old hag wants me to do with my life.
GC: VR1SK4 TH1S D3T3RM1N3S L1T3R4LLY YOUR 3NT1R3 FUTUR3.
AG: Well yeah, but only if you LET it.
GC: TH4T DO3SN'T 3V3N M4K3 S3NS3.
AG: I was just thinking........
AG: I mean, I guess it is kinda my fault that things turned out this way
AG: And I know that's all water under the bridge by now
AG: But I happen to need a crew for my new ship soooooooo
AG: How does first m8 sound to you? ::::)
GC: M3RC1L3SS MOTH3R GRUB, YOU 4R3 4CTU4LLY PL4NN1NG ON B31NG 4 P1R4T3
GC: TH4T 1S NOT 4N 4CTU4L C4R33R CHO1C3, VR1SK4
AG: Of course I'm going to be a pir8! And it'll be gr8!!!!!!!!
AG: It would be just like old times!
AG: Team Scourge, except for real!
AG: Not some stupid game for wigglers.
AG: How does that sound?
AG: Are you still there?
AG: H8llo????????
GC: Y3S 1'M H3R3.
GC: 4ND NO.
GC: 1'M NOT GO1NG TO H3LP YOU K1LL 1NNOC3NTS SO YOU C4N FOLLOW 1N YOUR ANC3STOR'S D3PR4V3D FOOTST3PS.
In the perigrees ahead, Terezi thought about Vriska’s offer more than she liked. She couldn’t seriously consider it, of course, and ultimately she decided against it – Vriska was reckless and impatient and would have gotten them both killed – but Terezi despaired of ever being able to fight or con her way into being a legislacerator, and the freedom of sailing through the stars with no one to tell her what to do did sound like a welcome escape. Vriska had planted the idea in her head, and it was stealing Vriska’s stolen ship that began her own career in piracy. Terezi was loath to admit it, but her entire reason for becoming a pirate was Vriska Serket. After all, who else could keep her in check?
She rematerialized face to face with Kanaya Maryam, who was looking very tense. “She’s in the meeting room,” said Kanaya, gesturing to her left. “It’s this way.”
“Maryam!” said Terezi with great enthusiasm. Despite Kanaya’s complicity in Vriska’s misdeeds, she had a great deal of respect for the jadeblood, and for her eternal patience in dealing with Vriska’s misdeeds. “How are you? How long has it been?”
“Since we shot you down over an uncolonized planet in the Second Beluga system, and I made Vriska land to check on you, only for you to steal our backup generator and half of our fuel while we were trying to find where you had crashed,” answered Kanaya, leading the way through the ship corridors, which were wallpapered and carpeted in gaudy patterns that Vriska clearly thought represented great wealth but mostly indicated bad taste.
“Of course!” said Terezi. “That was quite kind of you.”
“Or naïve perhaps,” said Kanaya. “I hope you can convince Vriska not to pursue this recklessness.”
“What could you be referring to? It sounds like you are describing Vriska’s entire life!” Terezi cackled at her very funny joke. “Besides, wouldn’t she be more likely to listen to you?”
“Sometimes I think so, but at other times I am certain that is only wishful thinking.” They arrived at a beautiful wooden door. Kanaya pushed it open to reveal an entirely wood-paneled room with a round table and a lot of chairs that didn’t match each other or their surroundings. Vriska was seated, feet on the table, and next to her, babbling incessantly, was none other than Feferi Peixes.
“-recommended me for military schoolfeeding, of course, but all my predecessors had that and that didn’t help them! And besides, I’m not planning to spend all my time expanding the borders of the empire. In my opinion, we may have already overextended ourselves. I read something very informative about interplanetary shipping recently, you might find it – oh, Terezi! It’s so good to see you!” She sprang up from her seat in excitement and grabbed Terezi’s hand with both of hers. She shook it vigorously, still talking. “I have heard only great things about your escapades recently. I hope I can count on your support!”
“Thank you, but I’m not sure what I’m supporting,” said Terezi, amused.
“The most important mission in Alternian history for the last thousand sweeps!” said Vriska. “I will be commanding an elite squad to assist the next Imperious Condescension in taking her throne. I want you and your crew to join us.” She seemed to take it for granted that the answer would be yes. It grated on Terezi’s nerves.
“And why would we do that?” said Terezi. “That would be high treason, enough to get us all killed in the most painful ways the empire has devised.”
“You’re the last person I’d expect to turn cluckbeast, Pyrope,” said Vriska, narrowing her remaining eye. “Come on, I know you don’t like the bureaucracy that passes for our government. If we win you could be a legislacerator or whatever you wanted! Hell, you could be Feferi’s legal adviser!”
“I admit it,” said Terezi tragically. “The mere thought of undertaking a dangerous mission with my very survival dependent on your judgment makes my blood run cold!” She held a hand over her bloodpusher as if she might faint.
“Would your answer be different depending on who is commanding this mission?” asked Feferi.
“I suppose it would be,” answered Terezi.
Vriska flushed blue with rage, finally taking her feet off of the table. “How shallow of you!” she spat. “Our goal is much greater than some petty fight about who is in charge! And you can take it or leave it, but the person in charge is me!”
“Actually,” said Feferi brightly. “I never said you would be in command, I just said someone would have to be! I’m sorry if you misunderstood me.
“What?!” Vriska stared at her. Terezi cackled and Feferi giggled a bit. “…Pretty good, Peixes,” Vriska finally admitted, leaning back in her chair.
“Thank you!” said Feferi. “I will need you to directly assist me in storming the Condesce’s ship. Your abilities will be most useful if you are in the boarding party. Terezi, I was hoping you would take on a tactical role.”
“Gladly,” said Terezi, smiling widely across the table at Vriska, who was growing more and more furious. “I think I can count on my crew as well. And I see merit in your plan: Vriska should be wherever she can do the most damage in whatever way is most advantageous to us. I would be honored to command the action.”
Feferi giggled. “Well, I didn’t say you were in command either! Just that I would like your assistance in strategic matters.” Vriska belted out a laugh. Terezi was certain she laughed eight times.
“I don’t understand,” said Kanaya. “Who is our commander?”
“ME!” said Feferi, grinning at them all. “I’m the one taking the throne, remember? It wouldn’t be respectabubble for anyone else to command my troops. Sorry for pulling your fins like that guys, but you should have seen the looks on your faces!” A fresh wave of laughter overtook her. She didn’t seem to be able to stop.
“So what were you saying about military schoolfeeding when we came in?” asked Terezi.
“That I really don’t see the need for it!” said Feferi, pushing up her goggles and wiping a tear from her eye. She regained her composure but still had her face stuck in a permanent smile.
“Forgive me if I am not encouraged,” said Kanaya.
“She may have a point actually,” said Terezi. “Any training in Alternian military practices is not currently relevant to our situation. We have no army. We will have to sneak onto the ship and confront the Condesce on our terms.”
“Oh, come on!” Vriska exploded. “This is a big deal! We have to make it big so everyone knows what’s going down! We can’t sneak around like cowards and expect to win the allegiance of an empire.”
“Both of you make very good points-” said Feferi. Terezi cut her off
“We’ll be slaughtered!”
“We’ll be heroes! We can’t cheat our way to the bossfight!” Vriska shouted.
“We can’t?” Terezi laughed as mockingly as she knew how. “Isn’t that what you always did?”
Vriska snapped. “Shut up! Using a natural advantage is not the same as cheating!”
Feferi, very worried now, tried to say something again, but Kanaya gave her a look. This did not succeed in silencing her however, because she simply turned to Kanaya and whispered loud enough that the whole room heard: “Is this um… you know, romantic?”
Vriska and Terezi both turned on her with a resounding and simultaneous “NO” that was perhaps too enthusiastic to be believed. Terezi did not care what Feferi thought, but she hated when Vriska tried to invoke their old “friendly rivalry” or played up their relationship, and this was not where she wanted the conversation to go.
“I suppose we could utilize a more straightforward attack,” allowed Terezi grudgingly. “But since we have no way of knowing how effective that will be, we should use that as a diversion while we get Feferi to the Condesce.”
“Wouldn’t whoever was providing the diversion end up as a sacrifice?” said Kanaya. “It sounds like you’re assuming they’ll die.”
“Not necessarily,” said Terezi. “I know plenty of trolls who could pull off a pretty good distraction without dying.”
“Leave that to me,” said Vriska. “I have an idea.”
Terezi smiled. “Yes, I thought you might.”
They discussed their plan of attack at length, mostly arguing until Feferi made a decision about whatever they were arguing about. It took so long that Nepeta and Aradia eventually sent a transmission over demanding to know if their captain was alive or dead, and once they were brought on board and up to speed, they were very enthusiastic about the whole thing, so naturally they became involved in the planning as well. It was strange to all be working together on something. Mostly it was infuriating. Terezi felt it necessary to re-establish order in some small way, so she stole a gold stellar compass on her way out. Vriska didn’t notice until the next night, when Terezi received an irate message from her on the matter.
The actual attack didn’t occur for several perigrees. They were actually lucky that it was possible so soon – Her Imperious Condescension spent most of her time on the front lines conquering new territory, so it was rare for her ship to pass anywhere near already colonized planets. This also meant that they had to take the opportunity they were given, despite not being remotely prepared for it.
Once they had caught up to the Battleship Condescension, boarding it was laughably easy. All they had to do was park the ships.
“Ready?” said Terezi over the open transmission to the Marquise.
“Uh, yeah,” said Vriska, distracted. She was holding her head in one hand and furrowing her brow in the universal sign language for mind-reading. “Levels of agitation are normal, everything seems to be calm. Got some chump ordering them to open the hangar.”
“Find the highest-ranking chump you can to meet us,” said Terezi.
“It would be nice to do this with a minimum of blood-shed,” said Kanaya from somewhere on the bridge of the Marquise.
“Of course,” said Feferi, also offscreen. “Although the alternative would please the dark gods, I’m sure.”
“It will be an adventure either way!” said Aradia cheerfully. Nepeta agreed.
As promised, the hangar doors opened for them, and they sailed smoothly into the hangar bay of the Battleship Condescension. Some of the workers on the ship stopped what they were doing to look up, puzzled, as first the Marquise and then the Rainbow Rumpus Partytown flew over their heads. The ships landed as the hangar doors slid closed behind them. They were in.
Unfortunately, enough trolls seemed to have their wits about them that two groups had completely surrounded each ship, most of them with drawn weapons.
“Thank you Vriska, this looks like a very warm welcome,” said Terezi.
“Shut up, I’m working on it!”
At that moment, a set of doors opened up, and an important looking troll in a fancy uniform strode towards their ships. She held up a hand, and the hostile crew immediately lowered their weapons.
Vriska gave Terezi a winning smile. “See? All clear.”
“After you,” said Terezi politely. Vriska made a rude gesture and hung up on her. She chuckled to herself and rounded on her crew. “Alright. Let’s go.” They were already armed to the teeth, but they each grabbed one more weapon on the way out, just to be safe. Or for good luck, even though luck didn’t actually matter. They disembarked just as Feferi emerged from the Marquise, 2x3dent in hand. She surveyed the hangar quite imperiously. A murmur went up in the crowd as she descended the gangway, followed closely by Vriska and Kanaya. The chump in uniform made her way toward them, as did Terezi and her crew.
“This way,” said the chump robotically.
“Unconvincing,” Terezi hissed at Vriska, sidling up next to her.
“Shut up,” said Vriska from behind gritted teeth.
They were led through the crowd back towards the door. Terezi could smell suspicion in the air. She walked a little quicker. A troll ahead of them took a step forward and reached for his weapon. Vriska pursed her lips in an angry sort of way and the troll was very surprised to find his arm moving on its own, and even more surprised to find himself shooting his friend in the face.
The hangar erupted. Most of the crew immediately turned on the troll who had dared to step forward, but a few were smart enough (or stupid enough) to advance on Feferi, and soon enough they were killing each other too. Their high-ranking chump soon joined in the fray, and nobody seemed to have the guts to harm her. This bought them enough time to run to the door. Once they were inside, Vriska pointed frantically down the hall.
“She spends most of her time in the engine room,” she shouted, out of breath and obviously still concentrating on the ongoing slaughter behind them.
“Go find her. We’ll go to the bridge and take the ship,” said Terezi. Feferi nodded.
“Good luck!” she said.
“Don’t worry,” said Vriska. “I’ve got allllllll the luck.”
“Then go!” said Feferi, and motioned to Nepeta, Aradia, and a faintly glowing Kanaya. They went one way; Terezi and Vriska went the other.
“Let’s make it big,” said Vriska.
“I think you already did that,” replied Terezi. They rounded the corner to find themselves face to face with a lot of soldiers and even more guns, somehow. “On second thought, you can keep doing it.”
Vriska laughed, and with a roll of her dice, a giant clawed squeakbeast materialized out of nowhere and devoured a troll whole.
“Huh,” she said. “Don’t think I’ve ever rolled that before.”
The company fired at the squeakbeast, and when it vanished into thin air, the company fired at them. Unfortunately for the soldiers, anyone aiming at Vriska found their hand jerking at the last moment, and anyone firing at Terezi found that she had moved just before they pulled the trigger. They were all terrible shots, really. It took Terezi less than a second to get under their guard and skewer a few. After another roll, Vriska was beside her in a ridiculous blue jacket and brandishing a huge cutlass. They ducked and parried and stabbed and sliced until their adversaries broke rank and ran. Of course, a few of them stood their ground, but they were quickly dispatched. Vriska had one of them knock out the last of her compatriots, and when the poor sap reached for her gun, Terezi calmly knocked it out of her hands and broke her trigger fingers.
They left that particular hallway a warzone. Bloodpusher thumping, Terezi carefully stepped over the injured and the dying and told herself that she regretted this, that all force had been necessary and in service of a greater justice.
There was blood everywhere, in every color. Terezi wiped her blade on a uniform.
“Just like Team Scourge, right?” said Vriska, smiling wickedly.
Terezi found herself smiling back. “Get over yourself, spidertroll,” she said, and they made for the bridge. Everything smelled like rainbow gummy grubs.