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Everything was pitch black, as if every existing thing had been swollen by a hole. He wasn’t sure if there was a floor, or even walls and a ceiling. It all looked the same to him. He looked around in confusion, wondering what had happened to him, but he couldn’t remember anything. His memory had been completely erased. He felt his whole body starting to be controlled by panic, and he had to breathe deeply to calm down. Everything must have had an explanation. He closed his eyes, hoping that it would all be a dream, and that when he woke up he would have his memory back.
However, his brain could only remember two things. First, his name. His name was Jungkook. Second, a face. It was round, with small eyes and a shy smile that reminded him of a cat’s. He had no idea who that man was, but he held on to that memory as if it was a matter of life and death.
And when he opened his eyes again he saw light. He heard a machine beeping and the sound of footsteps, but they were muffled by the constant ringing inside his ears. Jungkook closed his eyes again, blinded by the whiteness of the room, and slowly tried to understand what was going on. He hadn’t seen much of the room, but he remembered a huge window that showed a tree full of green leaves. It was sunny outside. There was a bouquet of white flowers on his bedside table. And then he felt more things. There was a needle injected in his left arm, and when he had the courage to open his eyes again he saw that it led to a bag of blood. He felt his heart getting pierced and he bit his lip. A hospital. He was in a hospital.
Jungkook looked around the room, but moving his head made him feel dizzy and he had to close his eyes again. He felt like throwing up.
“He’s awake.”
He heard a pair of footsteps getting closer. A hand touched his shoulder, but the contact was so light that he had to open his eyes to check if he had imagined it. In front of him he could see two doctors with their characteristic white coat. The woman smiled at him, and he blinked twice.
“How are you feeling, Jungkook?” she asked. He opened his mouth but the words didn’t come out; instead, he produced a guttural sound that embarrassed him. “It’s okay, blink once if you’re feeling sick, twice if you’re not.” Jungkook blinked once. “Okay. Doctor Oh, tell him that he woke up but that he can’t visit him yet.” The other doctor nodded and left the room. The woman sighed and looked at Jungkook again. “I know you must be confused” she said softly. “Do you remember what happened to you? Blink once for yes, twice for no.”
He could remember some things. He remembered his name and now he could remember how old he was and where he had been born. And he remembered the face of that stranger man he had seen while he was unconscious. But he didn’t remember his family (did he even have a family?) or his friends, if he was studying at college or not, where he was… nothing. So he blinked twice.
“When you’re feeling better we’ll explain. For now, you’ll have to stay in bed for a few days, okay?” she smiled again and Jungkook closed his eyes. “Now rest. I’ll come again in a few hours to see if you need something else. From now on you’ll get better, Jungkook, I promise you.”
He didn’t know if he should believe her.
○○○
“What the fuck do you mean he has no memory?” he muttered, clenching his fists. “Let me see him, now.”
“Sir, it’s not a good idea to do that” the woman advised with a stern voice. “He just woke up, he’s confused, he needs to rest. I understand that you’re concerned, but you’ll have to wait to see him again.”
Yoongi crossed his arms and tried to avoid rolling his eyes. Concerned wasn’t even close to what he was feeling. He wasn’t concerned, he was worried, terrified, furious and irritated at the same time. Worried because he wanted to see Jungkook again, terrified because he didn’t know if after the accident he would survive, furious and irritated with the hospital for keeping him away from Jungkook.
“Whatever” he said more to himself than to the woman, turning his back at the doctor and walking downstairs. “It’s not as if I’ve been here for the past few days waiting for him to wake up or anything.”
He opened the doors of the hospital and he was outside. Without thinking about it, his hand went to his left pocket where he kept a box of cigarettes, but stopped when he remembered the boy that was now lying inside the building behind him. He remembered how many times he had stolen his cigarettes and his lighter, saying that Yoongi was going to kill himself if he kept smoking. He remembered how he had said that he didn’t care if he died or not. He remembered the fights, how he had thrown him across the room, how Jungkook had punched him. (Yoongi felt his eyes watering.) And then Jungkook ran away, alone at night, while he had been at home breaking every piece of furniture because of his rage fit. (A sudden memory of Jungkook smiling at him appeared in his mind, and he had to dry his eyes with the back of his hand.) And then he had received a call from the hospital telling him that Jungkook had been run over by a car. Yoongi couldn’t take it anymore and threw the box of cigarettes as far as he could with a loud scream full of pain and fear and regret.
Yoongi sat down at the stairs and buried his face in his hands, trying to stop himself from crying. He was an awful person. Jungkook had had an accident and it was his fault. Jungkook had lost his memory and it was his fault. Jungkook didn’t deserve him.
He breathed in deeply. Maybe this was for the better. Maybe if Jungkook didn’t remember him he could move on without him and find someone else who would love him like he deserved to be loved. The thought made his insides burn with pain, but as he closed his eyes strongly he realized that it was for the better. For both of them. Jungkook deserved someone better. Yoongi deserved nothing.
He stood up, checked if everything that he had brought to the hospital (phone, keys, money) was with him (they were) and he left.
○○○
Although Doctor Han had promised him that he would only have to be in bed for a few days, he couldn’t move for almost two weeks. It was boring, and he probably slept more than in his entire life together. Sometimes he talked to the doctors and the nurses, and they slowly told him what had happened.
He was in a hospital in Seoul, where he lived. A few weeks ago he had been run over by a car. He had lost some blood and his memories. A man had been by his side until they had forced him to wait outside and sleep, and he had barely left the hospital until the day he had woken up. The doctors hadn’t wanted to tell him more about him, but Jungkook wondered if that man was the man that he remembered and the one who had brought him the white flowers. A nurse had told him that they were Stars of Bethlehem, and according to her, they were a symbol of an apology. He couldn’t help but feel sad when the flowers died and they had to be taken away from his room. The man didn’t come to replace them or say anything to him.
After a few days, a nurse had given him a notebook and a pencil so he could draw or write. Without even having to think about it, Jungkook had started to draw the face of the man that he remembered so that he would not forget him. The day the doctors told him that he could go around the hospital with a wheelchair he had already drawn eleven portraits of him.
Jungkook had never seen such a bright hospital. There was light everywhere, and he looked at the other patients as he started wheeling down the hallway. (He couldn’t help but stare at the seat in front of the doors, wondering if the man had sat there while waiting for him to wake up.) Some people were walking like zombies, others needed the help of crutches, others needed no help. He felt like he didn’t belong there. He didn’t want to be there. He was alone and he wanted his life back.
Jungkook started turning the wheels faster, not knowing exactly why, but then halted suddenly when he saw a girl in front of him. She was wearing a light yellow sweater above the hospital gown. He looked at her in confusion, and she just stared back for a moment in which Jungkook could see his own fears reflected on her eyes. She showed him her hand, waiting for him to shake it, and after a moment of hesitation he did.
○○○
Moving out of his old house had been difficult, but it was for the best. Being there reminded him of Jungkook, and he didn’t want to remember him. Jungkook had forgotten him, it was for the better, and now his cousin Jungyeon was helping him. She had moved from Daegu to Seoul to study music, and he had offered her his help.
Composing, however, had been hard since Jungkook’s accident, and he had started smoking again. He hated himself for doing it, but there was nothing he could have done. The stress was too much for him. Avoiding his cousin’s stare, he grabbed one of the cigarettes and put it on his mouth. He was going to reach for the lighter, but she was faster and caught it before he did. Yoongi looked at her in disbelief as she grabbed the sharpie that he had been using to compose and wrote two letters on the lighter. Y. K. He felt his insides burning.
Sometimes she reminded him of Jungkook, both so young and happy… and so convinced that they could help him. Yoongi knew what the letters meant, and he took the cigarette out of his mouth as he stared at her. She sat down showing him his back, grabbed her guitar and showed him a bright yellow lollipop. He couldn’t help but smile.
Yoongi stood up and grabbed what she was offering. He murmured a quiet ‘thank you’ and sat down in front of the piano again. He started playing, and the young girl did the same with her guitar.
He still felt bad about leaving Jungkook and the others behind, but in moments like this, when he could do what he loved the most with his beloved cousin he felt that maybe things would be okay.
“No” he said as if that was his last word on the subject. He stood up to let his coffee mug on the sink.
“Please” she begged. “You have to go. I know that it’s difficult, but now that we have this opportunity we shouldn’t waste it!”
He turned to look at her and stared into her eyes.
“Jungyeon, look, I know that you’re trying to help me and such, but I’m not doing it. I know that I said that we should make the most out of every opportunity and make our name known, but there are some lines that I’m definitely not going to cross, and the biggest line of them all is playing at the hospital where Jungkook is.”
“Come on, you don’t even know if he’s still there!” she replied, resting her hands on her hips. “And even if he is still hospitalized, he won’t recognize you, so you don’t have to worry about that…”
The loud crash of the mug hitting the ground and shattering into thousands of pieces scared her, and she jumped and hit her back with the corner of the table. Jungyeon whined and looked at her cousin in disbelief. She was going to ask him what that was about when he saw that he was grabbing the edge of the kitchen counter with one hand and was covering his face with the other. She couldn’t see him as he was showing her his back, but the sudden spasms of his shoulders told her that Yoongi was sobbing.
At first she didn’t know what to do. It was the first time that she saw him crying, he had held back the tears even when he had told her that he was going to get over Jungkook because he had amnesia and he wanted him to have a fresh start, a better life. And then it hit her. After all that time, after all those months, Yoongi was still not over him.
She stepped closer to him, trying to avoid stepping on the shattered pieces of the mug, and wrapped her arms around him.
“I’m so sorry” she murmured. “I shouldn’t have said that. I’m so sorry…”
“I just… sometimes I miss him so much” he murmured. “And I’ve worked very hard to stop thinking about him, because I want him to have a better life, and that means that I have to forget him… but if I see his face again, if he looks at me and smiles again I will lose control. You understand that, right?” he asked in a whisper. Jungyeon nodded. “Okay. Sorry for breaking the mug. I’ll clean everything, don’t walk barefoot around here until I’ve made sure that there are no more pieces.”
Jungyeon nodded and let her cousin go find the broom. She hated seeing him like this. She had to do something.
○○○
Sometimes Jungkook and Jain sat on a bench and let time go by. They usually didn’t talk much, but neither of them was bothered by that silence. Their relationship was based on short conversations and slowly understanding each other. Jain had gotten used to seeing Jungkook drawing the same face every day, but she had never asked him why he did that. Jungkook had gotten used to her slowly losing herself in her own world, but he never forced her to stop daydreaming or pay attention to their conversations. It was an unspoken pact between them to not mention those things.
“Do you mind if I listen to music while drawing?” he asked, taking his earbuds out of his bag. She shook her head and looked at the other patients. Jungkook knew that there was going to be a guitar concert that afternoon, but he wasn’t in the mood to listen to it so he plugged the earphones to his phone, left his crutches next to the bench and started drawing.
He sometimes wondered how he hadn’t gotten bored of drawing the same face. However, at the same time it was the only thing that could make him feel safe, it was a reminder that his life hadn’t started when he had woken up at the hospital. There were people before his accident. Maybe one day he could find out who the man was. Maybe one day he would remember what had happened.
Jain took one earbud off. He was going to ask her what was wrong when he heard the music that a girl with a guitar was playing. He took the other earbud off to hear better, and he stood up. He walked slowly towards where she was playing (he still wasn’t used to walking with a crutch), and then the memories hit him when he recognized the melody she was playing.
He was in a room with the man he had been drawing for so long. They were next to each other, the man was playing the piano, the same melody that the girl was playing with the guitar, while Jungkook was smiling. He looked at him with extreme fondness. Jungkook could feel butterflies in his stomach.
And then he looked at the neck of the guitar. Hanging from there he could see a white lighter with the letters Y and K, and he remembered snatching that lighter from the man’s hands a thousand times, scolding him for smoking. The man knew that he did that because he cared about him, because he loved him, but he still was angry at him.
“Are you okay?” asked Jain touching his shoulder. Her voice always sounded as if she was about to break. “Do you need to sit down?”
“Jain,” he murmured, “I think I remember something.”
“Excuse me” Jungkook said. The girl was starting to pack her guitar, but she turned to look at him. Something changed on the look of her eyes when she stared at him. “Uh, I don’t want to be a bother but… where did you learn that song? You know, the one… that compares love to a tree…?”
She hesitated for a second and then she sighed and smiled. “My cousin composed it. Did you like it?”
Jungkook nodded and turned to look at Jain, who was at the back. She smiled weakly and nodded, and that gave him strength to talk. “Actually, uh, I know this might sound weird to you but…”
“Do you want to sit down?” the girl asked, suddenly noticing his crutches. Jungkook nodded and sat on a chair at the first row. The other girl sat down next to him. “What is it? Don’t be scared, I promise that I don’t bite” she smiled.
“Well, as I was saying… this will sound weird, but my name is Jungkook and I had an accident in which I lost all my memories.” Her face changed, but he guessed that it was because people are not used to hearing others confessing that they have amnesia. “I only remember one person, and your song has made me remember more things.”
Her lips were forming a thin line. “Can you describe him?”
In that moment, Jungkook realized that he didn’t know where he had wanted the conversation to go. However, if she knew that man, if she was close with him… maybe he could talk to him and all his questions would be answered. Instead of talking, he showed her one of the drawings he had made of the man, and she gasped. The girl stared at the page for a while until she looked up, her eyes watering.
“You remember Yoongi” she murmured.
Yoongi. The name made him feel warm inside, as if he had arrived home again. He smiled, and suddenly he remembered the initials of the lighter. The Y must have been for Yoongi. And then he remembered the man’s soft laughter and his smile while gluing a wooden letter Y and a K of the same material to a door. ‘Kook, this is so cheesy, are we really going to have our initials glued to the door? We don’t have any more bedrooms, it’s not like we’re going to get lost.’ It was the first time that he heard his voice and he was surprised to find out how deep it was.
“I think I do” he finally murmured.
The girl took her phone out and clicked on the icon that would lead her to her contacts list. She then asked Jungkook to hand her his phone so she could add Yoongi to his contact list. Jungkook was embarrassed to give her a black flip phone. His previous phone had been destroyed because of the accident, and the hospital had given him an old model so he could at least listen to music. She wrote Yoongi’s number and added him to his contacts.
“Text him. But… wait a few days, maybe, okay?” she said, and Jungkook nodded, looking mesmerized at the screen.
“Thank you” he muttered while standing up and limping towards Jain. When he reunited with his friend he looked back at the girl. She was still looking at him and her eyes were shining, but he didn’t know if she was about to cry or if it was his imagination.
○○○
When Yoongi arrived home he was in a good mood. He had made a deal with a company and they would help him produce and release his music. He could maybe find a way to include Jungyeon to his deal, make a song together or find some way to help her make her name known too. He lay on the sofa, leaving his phone on the ground and looking at his box of cigarettes. He smiled and threw it as well, knowing that he didn’t need them. He was going to stop smoking again. He was even starting to get over Jungkook. His new life was about to start.
And then his phone rang. He fell from the sofa, thinking that maybe his company had sent him a text. At first it didn’t surprise him to see an unknown number. And then he read the message.
UNKNOWN NUMBER: Hello. My name is Jungkook, I don’t know if you recognize this name. Uh… I lost my memory in an accident, but hearing a song made me remember some things, and apparently you’re in one of my memories so I wanted to know if we could meet and talk if you know anything.
Since Jungkook had woken up a few months ago he had built a wall around his heart to avoid getting hurt again and stop himself from crying every time something reminded him of the boy, but this message was like a wrecking ball that destroyed every stone. He felt tears blinding him and he closed his eyes, holding his phone against his chest and breathing heavily. This couldn’t be happening. He had worked so hard to forget about him. He had spent countless nights going out, trying to find someone else who would replace Jungkook. And it all had been in vain, because the younger had found a way of contacting him anyway.
It made him think of that time where Jungkook had joked about them being soulmates, than not even death would do them part. Yoongi had never imagined how right he was.
When Jungyeon arrived home, Yoongi seemed much quieter than usual. He was sitting on the couch looking at the TV. The girl looked at the screen and scrunched her nose. Her cousin never watched soap operas, and here he was anyway. She left her bag on the table and sat next to him.
“Are you okay?” No reply. Okay. Maybe he was just tired. “If you need me I’ll be…”
“You’re not going anywhere” the elder cut with a stern voice that scared her. “We need to talk. You may have noticed that I’m angry.”
She looked at him. “Really? I had no clue. Thank you for telling me.” He threw his phone and it landed on her lap. She was still confused, but looked at the screen. It was already unlocked, and she could see a message from an unknown number. “Can I read it?” she asked, and Yoongi rolled his eyes.
“No, I threw my phone to you because you were being a smartass. Of course you can read it.”
She didn’t know if he was being ironic or not, but she did what he had told her anyway. Jungkook had texted him, as she had told him. The message had arrived a few hours before, but it still had no answer. She looked at her cousin, like asking him silently what she was supposed to say.
“Did you give him my phone number?” he asked with a cutting voice. “Park Jungyeon, did you fucking give him my phone number?” She said nothing. Silence spoke itself. “This is incredible! I can’t believe you would do this.” He stood up and started walking towards the main door. “You know how hard it has been to do this? To forget him and move on? I did all of that because I want him to have a good life! And I am a piece of shit, he deserves something fucking better than me! Are you… Are you even aware of what you’ve just done?” he asked. She still said nothing. “Fucking fantastic.”
He grabbed his keys and his wallet and opened the door, slamming it shut when he got out. Yoongi started running downstairs, knowing that it would be the quickest way to get outside. He didn’t want her to follow him, although he knew it was inevitable. He could already hear her voice calling him from their floor.
Outside it was already dark and he could only see thanks to the neon lights of the restaurants and shops and the street lamps at both sides of the road. If he was quick, he could get to his favorite bar in five minutes and get drunk before midnight. He just wanted this madness to stop. He wished he hadn’t fought with Jungkook that day. He wished he hadn’t let him go. He wished that Jungyeon hadn’t given him his number.
“Yoongi!” she said, catching up. He started walking faster, but her legs were longer than his. “Yoongi, I’m sorry, but you need to hear my version. Yoongi. Yoongi, listen to me!” He turned around and smacked her arm.
“Let me go!” he screamed. They were in the middle of the road, they had no time to fight. They were in the middle of the road, like Jungkook had been when he had had the accident. He started breathing heavily and when he got to the other side of the street he fell on the floor. “Let me go” he murmured when Jungyeon approached him, obviously worried about him. “Please, I want to live in peace.”
“I know this is difficult” she said, trying to soothe him with her voice. She grabbed his hand and started drawing circles on the back as a way to relax him. “I know you’ve suffered because of him, but I need to tell you something. He remembered you. He told me that your face was the only thing that he could remember, and he even made a drawing. It was you, Yoongi” she added with a whisper. “She recognized the song you two wrote together.”
If that was supposed to make him feel better, it hadn’t. He just felt even guiltier. If what she was saying was true, he had abandoned him. He had abandoned probably the person he had loved the most when he needed someone. And Jungkook had recognized their song. The idea of it had been Jungkook’s, when he had told him that even if their love seemed to die in winter, spring would come again and it would bloom.
He couldn’t do this to him. At least he should reply.
“Okay” he murmured, feeling his voice hoarse and withered. “Okay, I’ll talk to him.”
○○○
Jungkook hadn’t expected the reply to arrive soon, but he was disappointed when he didn’t receive any text that day. Maybe that girl had lied to him and she hadn’t given him the correct number. Jain promised him that it was probably because Yoongi (now he could give him a name, and it sounded as if that was perfect) was busy. That didn’t stop him from worrying, though.
However, when the next day he found a reply he thought he was going to fall to the ground. (Although Jain wasn’t necessarily strong, she grabbed his arm in an attempt to help him.)
MIN YOONGI: Sorry for the late reply. This took me by surprise. Sure, let’s meet. Tomorrow I have a free day from work, I can go there if you want.
Of course Jungkook wanted. He accepted without thinking about it twice.
The day arrived. Jungkook took longer in the shower that morning, and even styled his hair carefully. He wanted to make a good impression. Yoongi was arriving at 10, so half an hour before he was already ready and walking around the corridors.
It wasn’t ten yet when he recognized the face that he had been drawing during all those months, the only person alive in his memory. What he felt while looking at him was probably what he had felt for him before the accident, and that confirmed his theories about what kind of relationship they had. He walked a bit closer, and then Yoongi noticed him. Neither of them moved, they just stared into each other’s eyes for what felt like an eternity. There were so many things in Yoongi’s eyes that Jungkook didn’t understand that the only thing he could do was to show him a shy smile.
Yoongi couldn’t handle this anymore. Seeing him after so long made him remember all the good and bad memories, and before he could start tearing up he walked until he was only inches away from him. He was way taller than what he remembered, and he couldn’t help but think about all those times in which Jungkook had told him that he was the elder and that he should respect him.
Jungkook cleared his throat. “Hey” he said.
“Hi” the other replied, feeling like an idiot. He cleared his throat as well. “How… how have you been?”
“Well, now I can walk at least” he murmured. “Do you… want to talk while walking?” Yoongi nodded. “This way, I know a good place.”
As they were walking side by side, Yoongi had to remind himself that he shouldn’t hug Jungkook. He didn’t know if he would be comfortable with it, and it could hurt both of them. The urge to wrap his arms around him one more time was overwhelming, so he put his hands on his pockets.
“So… I’m sorry that you lost your memory after the accident” Yoongi said to break the silence. “But I’m glad that you remembered some things.”
“I actually remember a lot” the younger confessed, leading him through the garden at the back of the hospital. They found a bench and both sat there under a tree whose leaves blocked the sun. “When I woke up I only remembered your face. Then, when I heard that girl playing I remembered you playing that song in the piano… and other things” he didn’t specify and Yoongi didn’t say anything about it. “I also remember that we used to share a flat.” The way he was saying was awkward, as if he regretted the relationship they had. Yoongi felt sick. “I… I wonder what happened before the accident. I want to know everything.” His eyes pierced his soul. Yoongi sighed and nodded before starting to talk again.
He explained that they had met because they had the same group of friends. They were all a mess, but they enjoyed each other’s company despite their problems. But suddenly things had started going downhill and they had stopped talking. And that’s when Jungkook had had the accident. It was difficult for him to explain this part and Jungkook noticed, so the younger grabbed his hand and squeezed it to give him support. That day they had fought. It was usual, as Yoongi had a bad temper and tended to get angry easily. However, that fight hadn’t been like the others, because now it wasn’t just verbal – it was physical as well. Yoongi pushed him away, Jungkook punched him and immediately regretted it. They had looked at each other for a few seconds and then Jungkook had run away. Yoongi hadn’t followed him, he had stayed at home.
But then he had received a call from the hospital saying that Jungkook had been hit by a car. He had spent the whole night there until the doctors told him to leave. The following morning he had bought him flowers and had stayed by his side all day. It wasn’t until he was told that Jungkook had amnesia that he had decided to leave his side.
“I hurt you” he said in a murmur. “I hurt you and I will probably do it again. I want you to be happy, that’s why I left you. You deserve a new beginning. You deserve a new life with someone better than me.” He turned his head and looked at Jungkook. He looked serious, and for a moment Yoongi feared that he didn’t believe him.
“I know you’re telling me the truth because I can remember some things you told me… at least now I do.” He sighed. “I felt… I felt so alone these months. I knew that you had been there, but I didn’t know who you were or what had happened. I thought that you had abandoned me. I thought that maybe it was all my fault.”
“It wasn’t” Yoongi promised immediately. “It was my own fear and insecurities. These months… they’ve been hard for me too. I kept trying to avoid you because I knew that if I saw you again I wouldn’t be strong enough to let you go and live a happy life.”
Jungkook started playing with Yoongi’s fingers and it felt natural. Maybe he had done that before. “I understand. But right now I’m with you and I’m happy.”
Yoongi smiled weakly and shook his head. “That’s what you say now. I will hurt you, and then you’ll leave again.”
“Well, if even with amnesia I’m with you it means that nothing will ever separate us” he said. “Not even death.” Yoongi’s bottom lip started trembling. “Are you okay?”
“You said the same after our first fight” Yoongi murmured. “You said exactly that, and you were convinced of it.” He looked at him and smiled. “And maybe you were right.”
Jungkook smiled too and looked away. “Maybe” he said.
In that moment, Yoongi rested his head on the younger’s shoulder, and for him it was completely normal.
Jungkook didn’t know if he would ever get his memories back, but he would build new ones with Yoongi. And that was the natural thing to do, because he knew that nothing could ever do them part. Not even death.