Archive of Our Own ^beta

It's a year after meeting him that Taehyung realises that his life is never going to be the same again.

What started as a thought, a passing "Ah, he's so cute" turned into a full on crush. Then one day, after Taehyung had spent months testing the waters, initiating everything and pushing a little to get him out of his shell, Jungkook hugged him, voluntarily, on his own.

And maybe it's because it was the first time Taehyung wasn't the one initiating contact, maybe it's because Jungkook leaned his head on his shoulder and breathed a soft "Thank you, Hyung" against his neck that sent shivers down his back. Maybe it's because it had to be him all along. But Taehyung found his heart beating faster, found heat rising to his face, found his arms tightening, without his permission, around Jungkook’s small frame, found his stomach filled with something that had never been there before.

From that day on Jungkook's eyes seem to hold the stars in them, his hands seem softer, his voice seems like velvet. He's so gentle, kind, painfully shy, innocent, talented, humble... He seems like an angel.

From that day on, Taehyung realises he's in love.

And he's terrified.

-

The sound of the crowd screaming is deafening. After four years, he should be used to it, but today he needs silence more than ever. Still, Taehyung smiles, because if there's something he's learned how to do is smiling even when he feels like dying.

Yoongi, standing to his right, eyes him for a second and places a hand on his shoulder while turning to look the other way. It should be reassuring, especially for Taehyung who is always looking for physical affection. But today it's a reminder, a silent I know, kid. I know and it makes him want to curl on the floor and cry.

He's not as strong as his hyung, he's not sure if he's going to make it out of this stage without crumbling to pieces.

Surprisingly, he manages, and whilst the sound of their fans screaming is left behind and their managers usher them to their dressing room backstage, he allows himself a second to breathe out a sigh and close his eyes.

Makeup is removed, clothes are changed and the moment he's able to, he latches on to his headphones like a lifeline. He is usually not the one to immediately shut down to the world in their group, especially not after such a successful comeback, but really today is just not his day and if he puts on his mask a little higher, if he uses his darker shades and looks out the window in silence during the whole trip back home, nobody has the right to say anything to him, even if most of them have no idea what's going on inside his head.

The minute they arrive to their dorm, he is out of the car in a flash and rejecting every offer of food from Seokjin. Locking himself in his room and hiding under the covers.

-

- "Hyung."

A hand on his arm, travelling all the way down to his wrist makes him shudder.

- "What is it, Kookie?"- He whispers, trying not to wake the others sleeping in the car.

Jungkook looks strangely vulnerable. Like something's been plaguing his mind and, not for the first time, Taehyung is struck with the furious need to protect him, to hold him tight and tell him everything's gonna be alright. 

- "We are gonna be together forever, right, Hyung?"

- "Of course we will." - He answers, squinting in order to see Jungkook in the middle of the dark. The boy is biting his lips, face mere centimetres from his, eyes searching for something in Taehyung's gaze. - "You'll always have us. You’ll always have me, I’m not going anywhere... At least, not without you by my side."

At that Jungkook smiles, bunny teeth in full display. Taehyung feels warm all over.

-

Jungkook had decided to break the news to them earlier that day, when they'd just woken up and were having breakfast together. Taehyung had been observing him since he'd gotten out of bed. In the middle of the idle chatter, the youngest was uncharacteristically silent, fidgety even.

There was a lull in the conversation and he'd cleared his throat to get their attention.

All eyes on him, he raised his head, opened his mouth and, like a bomb exploding out of nowhere:

- "I have a girlfriend."

All hell broke loose. Jimin exclaimed a high pitched "What?!", Seokjin and Hoseok seemed to be competing on who was the loudest while asking how? When? Where? Who? Namjoon was laughing and ignoring the screaming while telling Jungkook how proud he was of him for finally having the courage to talk to a girl to begin with.

Yoongi, on the other hand, had offhandedly made a comment about kids growing up so fast and kept on drinking his coffee. But Tae had felt the supportive pat on his knee burn as much as the one on his shoulder later on when they were on stage.

Jungkook waited for everyone to calm down before explaining about Soo-Jin, she was one of the newest members of their staff, worked as a makeup artist in various companies before landing on BigHit and apparently she’s "really pretty".

Taehyung couldn't for the life of him remember any of the newest makeup noonas' names yet, given their frantic schedule with the comeback and all, so really it was no surprise that he had no idea who she was. But apparently she was nice enough to win Jungkook over and he hadn't seen it coming.

So he tried to smile, he tried to look like he didn't have a knot in his throat, but judging by the look Jungkook threw his way, he wasn't succeeding. Luckily there was no time for more questions from anyone, they were soon in a car on their way to an interview and for the rest of the day Taehyung made it a point to look like he was having a headache in order to not be bothered.

But now there's only silence and he doesn't know what to do with it. This day has been way too long, he's been craving for a moment to collect himself, but privacy comes with a price and now loneliness is crushing him. He's too tired and yet his eyes are wide open. His bed is too cold and the dorm is strangely still, like maybe he's not the only one who needed to go to bed early.

-

Having only one shower in a house of seven is problematic. Having only one shower in a house of seven who currently need to be ready in less than thirty minutes is chaotic.

So it has to happen, and while it's not the first time they have to share, it's the first time Taehyung has to share with Jungkook of all people. The water is lukewarm already and Taehyung's body is overheated, which doesn't help. Jungkook's got his back to him, ever the shy one of their group, and Taehyung is sure that before they got under the water both their faces were so red they looked like they were about to explode.

Funny how all of Tae's bravado dies once all clothes are removed. Underwear, any day, but this? This is too much.

So when there's a hand on his shoulder all of a sudden, he startles so hard he almost stumbles and falls. The only thing that keeps him up right are Jungkook strong arms circling his waist and stabilising him.

There's a beat of silence.

And then they are both laughing, because, really, this is ridiculous. Two giants trying to find their way in a tiny shower, making their best not to touch each other and nearly slipping onto their butts.

Taehyung tries to ignore the warmth of Jungkook's wet body against his back. Pretends he doesn't notice when Jungkook realises that he hasn't let go yet and takes a step back, but never really stops touching him.

Soft fingers help him rinse his hair, a sweet voice claims it'll be faster this way. And when he turns around there's his big eyes, young and naive, looking at him like it's the first time they see him. 

If, after that, whenever they have to share a shower, his designated companion is always Jungkook, well... At least they are fast.

-

Days go by and he's not doing any better. Jimin is concerned for his well being, Seokjin is concerned because he's not eating enough, Hoseok is concerned because he's been messing up too much at dance practice, Namjoon is concerned because their managers are concerned because he looks way too out of it in all of their interviews, Yoongi's been eyeing him like he wants to tell him something and Jungkook's been trying to talk with him way too much, or maybe just as much as always.

Really, everybody needs to calm down. He'll get over it.

He will.

(Right?)

But he needs time and they are not giving it to him. He knows it's his fault for not being honest, but what can he say? "Oh, I'm sorry, it’s just that I'm hopelessly in love with Jungkook and currently my heart is on the floor, in pieces." Of course not.

So he just smiles as best he can to Jimin, he eats whatever Seokjin puts on his plate, he promises to do better to Hoseok and tries to look more alive in the ridiculous amount of interviews he has to sit through. He doesn't want to talk with Yoongi, not yet, not about all of this mess, but he tries to convey with his eyes that now is just not the time, and Yoongi seems to get it.

Jungkook on the other hand... Jungkook is a big problem.

As far as he is concerned, nothing is wrong and Taehyung is just stressed. So there's no reason to avoid talking to him, and that's fine, it is. Or rather it would be if Jungkook could stop talking about Soo-Jin for one damn second.

Jimin laughed at him in the beginning, but no one can blame him for being excited, it's his first girlfriend after all, he has all the right to be enthusiastic about her. And Taehyung feels like they owe it to him, he was too young when he got in this industry, he's ignorant to many things that normal people his age are already experts on. It's the price of being an idol, you just don't get to go out with friends that much, you don't get to see your family that often and you certainly don't get to meet normal girls who either don't care about you being famous or aren't fans who are already in love with your public persona.

Nevertheless hearing about how funny she is, how nice her smile is, how cute her eyes are, how much he laughed at that comment she made the other day, is just not doing Taehyung any good and he feels guiltier and guiltier the more he spaces out whenever Jungkook is talking.

There comes a day where Jungkook seems to notice and goes silent around him. There comes a day where the only interactions they have are the forced ones during interviews. There comes a day where Jimin scolds him for being so cold with him, but it's self-preservation, and the amount of guilt he feels is nothing compared with the amount of sorrow he is going through.

There comes a day where he snaps, tells them to stop looking at him with judging eyes, tells them all to leave him alone. Spends the whole day quiet, listens to Namjoon lecturing him and just nods his head.

He apologises later, of course he does, and everyone forgives him because he's not the first one to lose it under pressure and he probably won't be the last.

If only they knew.

-

Homesickness. That's all it is, he's dealt with it before and probably will again in the future. Tonight though, it doesn't let him sleep, and whilst he knows he doesn't have to be up early tomorrow, he needs to rest.

It was his own fault for calling his grandmother to tell her he wouldn't make it home the next day ,because that free week they were supposed to have had turned into a single day, and then just indulging her and allowing her to tell him about all of the family activities he's going to miss.

God damn it, he wants to see them. Wants to play with his dog and his cousins. Wants to hug his grandma and let her feed him until he’s gained back all of the weight he's lost.

It's not fair but there’s nothing he can do about it.

Taehyung gives his brain five more minutes to try and shut up, but to no avail. He gets up then, just to see if there's anything he can do to try and get tired. To his surprise, though, he's not the only one who's up. Jungkook is in the living room, sitting next to the open window and wrapped in his cozy bed sheet. There's no headphones on his ears, nor anything playing on the TV. He's just staring out the window, a far away look in his eyes.

- "Kookie." - Taehyung whispers, and Jungkook turns to look at him like he's waking up from a dream, a little disoriented and confused. - "What are you doing up so late?"

- "What are you doing up so late, Hyung?" - Jungkook parrots back at him.

Taehyung sighs, silently marvels at the way Jungkook automatically makes space for him by his side when he approaches to sit down on the floor, like he belongs there. Jungkook opens the ends of his bed sheet to accommodate them both, wraps them tight together inside of it. It's soft and it smells like laundry soap and Jungkook's perfume.

- "I miss my family." - Taehyung admits. - "I thought I was going to see them, but now... Who knows when I'll be able to."  

- "I know." - Comes the reply.

It’s quiet for a while. Taehyung rests his head on Jungkook's shoulder, they both stare out the window.

- "Why are you up, Jungkook?" - Taehyung finally says, voice soft in an attempt to not perturb the comfortable silence, eyes lost in the horizon.

- "I was just..." - Jungkook makes a pause, clearly choosing his next words carefully. - "Thinking about something that's been in my mind for a while."

- "What is it?"

There's no answer. Taehyung rises his head and Jungkook's got his mouth open, like the words are at the tip of his tongue. Ultimately, he shakes his head.

- "It's not important, really."  

 Taehyung frowns but lets him be, if it is really important he'll talk about it when he's ready.

- "Hyung." - He says then, turns to look at him and their faces are a breath away from each other.

Jungkook inhales, holds his breath, stares.

There's something about sustaining eye contact with someone else, it makes you feel like they can see right through you, like they can read your mind. Taehyung begs for it not to be true, because right now he's more in love than ever and Jungkook can't know. He can't.

There's a mole near his cheekbone that Taehyung is desperate to kiss, it takes all of his selfcontrol not to do it. Jungkook's got long eyelashes, and even without a double eyelid, his eyes are huge. Taehyung is hugely intimidated.

But it's like a force is pulling at them, like magnets they can't help but lean closer, until Taehyung realises what he's doing. Realises that his gaze has travelled down to Jungkook's lips. He is a bad decision away from ruining their friendship, and Jungkook is looking at him the same way he did when they were in the shower that first time. Innocent eyes wide open, a little scared, a little curious. Taehyung leans back, swallows.

- "What..." - He clears his throat, his voice is too raspy and low. - "What were you about to say?"

- "Nothing." - Jungkook whispers after a brief silence. Taehyung stares down at his hands in a poor attempt at concealing how red his cheeks are.- "It was nothing."

-

Jimin approaches him around a month and a half after that dreaded day where Jungkook inadvertently broke his heart.

Taehyung is lying in bed watching a video on his cellphone. It's the usual now, to immediately seek solitude whenever they have a few hours for themselves, and Jimin knocks on the door shyly, almost like he knows and he hopes not to be heard, but Taehyung does and when he lets him in, Jimin approaches him like one would to a scared child.

- "Can I sit here?" - He says, voice soft and eyes downcast, his finger pointing at the free space next to Taehyung.

- "Of course, Chim. You don't have to ask."

But maybe he does, Taehyung thinks. Maybe he's been so distant lately that even his best friend, his own platonic soulmate, feels like he needs permission to be close to him now, when in the past he would have just barged in and laid all over him in bed without a second thought.

- "Tae..." - He whispers, after taking a sit by his side and hiding his hands inside the hem of his sleeves. - "How are you feeling?"

- "Me? I'm fine." - Taehyung answers automatically, like a knee-jerk reaction.

- "No, please, don't do that. If you're not okay, you can tell me. Just..." - At that, Jimin sighs and lets himself fall next to him in bed. - "Don't lie to me." - He finishes, both of them staring at the ceiling.

- "Chim..."

- "You don't have to tell me why." - Jimin interrupts. - "I mean, I wish you would. But I understand if you don't want to."

Taehyung frowns, thinking it over. There's silence for a moment until he turns to lie on his side and Jimin does the same, so they are facing each other.

Jimin is a living dichotomy, a delicate thing made stronger every time it breaks. Beautiful and soft in a way Taehyung can't deny, even if he'd never think of him in any way other than a brother. Knowing he's probably the reason why he looks so sad, so hesitant to approach him, it breaks his heart a little more.

- "I'm not okay, Chim." - He admits, watches as Jimin's eyebrows rise in concern. - "And the reason is... Complicated."

Jimin, ever so gentle and kind, takes one of his huge hands with both of his tiny ones, nodding his head.

- "I'm not ready to talk about it." - Taehyung says next, distracted by the way Jimin plays with his fingers. - "But..."

- "Would you tell me?" - His friend's strained voice makes him look him in the eye. - "When you're ready." - He adds, pursing his lips like he is trying to hold back whatever emotion he's got stuck in his throat. - "I worry so much, Tae."

- "Yes, yeah." - Taehyung concedes, agitated by the way Jimin's eyes fill with tears, and he pulls him into a tight hug. - "Oh, no. Please, don't cry."

- "You-You are so far away." - Comes Jimin's muffled voice against his chest. - "You don't really talk with anybody, you only eat when Jin-hyung asks you to do it, you don't play video games with Kookie anymore, you don't even smile and make jokes like you used to."

- "I know, I know. I'm sorry."

- "I miss you, Tae. I miss my best friend."

- "I miss you too." - Taehyung says, voice trembling with his own emotions. - "I miss you too, Chim chim, and I'm so sorry."

- "I don't know what's wrong." - Jimin takes a moment after that, holding onto his friend's t-shirt and pressing his face against it to wipe his tears, leaving a small patch of moisture that Taehyung can feel through it. - "But I don't like it when you're far away. I want to help, even if it's only by doing this. Just hugging or-or talking about whatever." 

- "Okay, that's okay. We can do that."

When did the room get so blurry? God, Jimin never fails in finding all of his weak spots. It's unavoidable, when a small sob escapes from his lips and it breaks the wall that he's been constructing around himself this whole time. He cries, staring at the wall opposite to him, for what feels like hours, but in reality it's only about 20 minutes. Jimin circles his arms around him, caresses his back and eventually starts to hum a soothing tune. It's cathartic, and even if it leaves him exhausted, his heart is a little bit lighter now.

-

Being all over the other members is one of Taehyung's biggest pleasures (for all the most innocent reasons, of course). Taehyung is a naturally affectionate person, he needs physical contact as much as he needs breathing. And he loves to show his appreciation for the people he's fond of in any way possible. Unsurprisingly Hoseok and Jimin are the ones who are more than willing to be hugged and cuddled with. Seokjin is a bit more awkward, but takes it in stride. Namjoon and Yoongi are kind of reluctant, and Taehyung is a little bit more intimidated by them, yet he shows them he loves them whenever he's got the chance.

Jungkook is trickier. Once he's gotten used to Taehyung's personality and has become less shy around him, he seems to bask in the attention. After that first hug from him that got Taehyung fucked up though, there's an underlining tension that he isn't sure if Jungkook is even aware of.

Nevertheless, unconsciously or not, he finds himself gravitating towards Jungkook more than towards anybody else. At first he's concerned that Jungkook will get tired of him, given that he tends to be a bit of an introvert. But he finds that if you give him his time alone at some point of the day, then when they are together there's no problem at all. It becomes a habit, then, to be touching him in some way or the other whenever they are close to each other. Whether it be with a hand on his shoulder or an arm around his waist, he is always glued to his side and Jungkook looks visibly upset when it's not the case.

It may not be the best for Taehyung's own feelings, but at some point Jungkook and the other members became his definition of home, and he prefers it when he can be as close to it as possible.

-

He feels... Marginally better after that. Whenever he gets too quiet, Jimin seems to materialise at his side and starts chatting about the first thing that comes to his mind, and when he needs a hug his best friend just lets him cling to him, no questions asked.

For a while it works, until it doesn't.

The problem is that he's been in love with Jungkook for too long, he's been hoping for too long. And it would be easier if it wouldn't be for the fact that for the longest time he'd been sure that Jungkook felt something too.

But alas, he's got a girlfriend now.

Disappointment is not the word for what Taehyung feels, it's more like grief. It's more like he's mourning for his dead opportunities, but all in the wrong order. He's been bouncing back and forth in between denial and sadness, with bouts of anger and heart crushing moments of acceptance. More often than not he finds himself thinking that soon they'll break up and everything will go back to normal, immediately after he feels guilt wash over him and he can't even look at himself in the mirror.

Pining is one thing. He's been doing it for so long, it's almost like second nature. But actively avoiding Jungkook so his chest feels a little less tight is horrible, and impossible too, given that they share almost every minute of their lives.

To put it simply, Taehyung is a mess. A ticking bomb. And if he doesn't do something about it soon, he'll end up exploding.

And explode he does.

It's a Saturday night, all of them except for Yoongi are having a lazy night thanks to a cancelled plan. Seokjin is cooking. Namjoon, having given up on helping, talks with him while he watches, glued to his side. Hoseok and Jimin are lazing around on the couch and Taehyung is playing a game on his cellphone by their side. Everything is quiet until Jungkook walks in and...

Holding his hand and looking a little shy, is a girl.

- "Everyone" – He says, like he’s been practising for this moment. - "This is my girlfriend, Soo-Jin."

While she bows, Hoseok and Jimin jump out of the couch and immediately try to make her feel at home, taking her coat and inviting her in.

- "I hope I'm not imposing." - She says. - "Jungkook said it was about time that I met you in person, but I wasn't so sure about it being a surprise."

- "Oh, never mind that." - Comes Seokjin's voice from the kitchen, and both him and Namjoon walk out to greet her. - "It's a shame though, Yoongi is not here, the rascal. I don't even think he'll be back for dinner, I'll have to take something to the studio later so he doesn't forget to eat."

- "Hyung's been struggling with a melody lately, there's no way to get him out of his studio when he gets in these moods." - Jimin adds, smiling and motioning for her to get comfortable on the couch.

A couch on which a stunned Taehyung is still sitting, gaping at her like he's seen a ghost.

Oh, this is bad. This is so bad. She's pretty, she's nice. She bows in front of him and he bows back but he still hasn't said anything and Jungkook is eyeing him from his spot behind her with worry in his eyes.

- "It's nice to meet you too." - She says to him, warm smile on her face and Taehyung swallows.

- "Nice to meet you." - He babbles back.

They eat dinner. Or rather everyone does while Taehyung just claims he's got a stomach ache and drinks some tea, sitting at the table out of courtesy.

Jimin and Seokjin look at him every once in awhile, but he's been staring down at his cup of tea during the whole endeavour to try and make it less obvious that he's been fighting against the lump in his throat since she walked in. He wasn't ready for this. Someone should have told him, Jungkook should have told him, this is not okay. It's not okay whenever she laughs at Seokjin’s dad jokes, it's not okay when she gets along with everyone so well, it's not okay when out of the corner of his eye he can see her holding on to Jungkook's hand.

- "Tae... Tae... Taehyung!" - Namjoon's voice startles him and he makes the mistake of lifting his head.

Namjoon's still talking but all he can see is how Jungkook leans close to Soo-Jin to murmur something and she nods.

- "What?"

- "I just asked..." - Namjoon sighs. - "I just asked if you're okay. You seem really out of it."

- "Oh, yeah, yeah, yes." - Taehyung wants to punch himself in the face. - "Just tired and I think I ate something that upset my tummy."

Jimin doesn't buy it, Hoseok by his side seems to be catching on. Seokjin just purses his lips in that way, the way that says 'I don't think so' and 'We're going to have a talk later'. Everybody knows, oh God, everybody knows.

Fight or flight. Fight or light. Fight or flight.

- "I’ll help with the dishes!" - He exclaims.

And okay, maybe that was too loud but he doesn't think much about it while he collects whatever is near him and takes it to the kitchen.

He braces himself against the counter, breathes in, breathes out.

- "Whatever it is." - Namjoon's voice says from behind him, full leader mode on. - "At least try to behave, would you? You're making Jungkook look bad."

- "I'm sorry, Hyung." - He answers, without turning around. - "I'll-I'll try to do better."

- "Hey... You actually sound awful, what is it? Come on. You can tell me. And don't try to say it's because of your stomach, Taehyung, nobody believes you." 

- "I'm okay, Hyung, really just..." - Just what? - "Please."

Namjoon, bless him, understands this is not the time and lets it go. They both return to the table, Seokjin makes tea for everyone, looks at him pointedly while he puts his second cup in front of him. They chat for a while about family, ask Soo-Jin questions about the cute cats she just adopted and coo at their pictures in her phone.

He's doing better, answering briefly and pretending he's listening. But then Seokjin has the brilliant idea of asking how Jungkook and Soo-Jin met.

- "Oh well, I haven't gotten the opportunity to be part of your makeup staff yet, I'm working with the rookies. But around two months ago Jungkook was having a conversation with a manager near my work station and well... He's really handsome." – Soo-Jin says, lowering her head. - "I was sort of distracted so I dropped a makeup brush and he picked it up for me."

From that point on, Taehyung isn't really listening anymore. He's distracted by the arm Jungkook puts around her waist, by the tint of pink on his cheeks, the small smile on his face. 

It’s too much, too much, too much. And the consequences of trying to pretend it isn't start to show from one minute to the other. The first thing he registers is the uneasiness, the unjustified warning from his brain that something is wrong. He tries to argue with himself that there’s no reason to feel so nervous, that everything is fine despite of the obvious, but the feeling won't go away. The next thing are his hands shaking, the faint tremors making him clumsy, struggling to hold on to his cup of tea without spilling it's contents.

The moment his vision starts tunnelling he’s standing up abruptly, startling everybody at the table, and just walking away, towards his shoes near the door, towards freedom, and in the blink of an eye he is outside, almost running to the only place he can think of, to the only person who can help him.

Taehyung isn't as absent minded as many of his fans think. He's said it before, he has big eyes for a reason. He sees and hears everything. It's one of the reasons why he didn't bat an eyelid when Namjoon and Seokjin announced they were together, when Jimin confessed to them he was gay nor when, moments later, Yoongi admitted he wasn't straight either.

That's why he knows Yoongi is the only person who'll understand. He's seen it, he's seen the way Yoongi stares at Jimin, how he can't help but smile whenever Jimin laughs, how his touches sometimes linger a little too long on Jimin's arm, his waist, his ass. And that's the reason Tae's the only person who knew when to be in the right place and the right time to help Yoongi through one of the biggest breakdowns he's seen him have in his life.

It was almost two years ago when, much like Jungkook had done, Jimin announced out of the blue that he was seeing someone, a friend of a friend who was two years older than him and had invited him out on a date months prior. Apparently that date was the first of many and they had recently decided to make it official. Taehyung still doesn't understand how nobody but him noticed the similarity between this guy's eyes and Yoongi's, but he guesses that’s Jimin's own problem to solve.

The relationship didn't last long though, it was three months later that Jimin came home with red eyes and claimed that he didn't want to see the guy anymore, never really told anyone why.

But those three months were hell for Yoongi.

Soon after Jimin had told them about his relationship, Yoongi started to look more and more tired, grumpier, reclused in his little studio six days out of seven.

Soon he was way too drunk, way too often. His arguments with Seokjin echoed all over the dorm, the older pleading to him to eat more, to rest more, to take better care of himself. Yoongi would storm out of their home in those days, would wake up in the morning smelling like he'd taken a shower of vodka instead of water and he'd be so hungover he'd spend the whole day squinting at everything, and groaning at every loud noise.

Then, one night Taehyung had noticed the tension on his shoulders, the haunted look in his eyes before announcing he was going out for some fresh air. By then everybody had tried to talk him out of his funk to no avail, and just knew to let him do whatever he wanted, but Taehyung felt the urge to follow. 20 minutes later he found Yoongi inside his studio, nursing a bottle of beer and staring at the wall like it had personally wronged him.

Taehyung didn't do much at first, just sat by side on the couch while Yoongi silently allowed him, let him get drunk and eventually talk about whatever came to his mind. But then Yoongi started to get short of breath, started to struggle with his sentences and 1 am found him curled sideways with his head in Taehyung's lap, crying like he surely hadn't done in a while, hiding his face in Tae's tummy and confessing everything. That no matter how long ago it had been since he'd been at his worst, there were days where depression and anxiety came back to play, making him feel useless. That he’d been in love with Jimin pretty much since the moment he met him, that the day Jimin came out he thought there was finally hope, that his insecurity was constantly on the way of Yoongi telling him how he felt. Because Jimin was too perfect to love someone like him, because Yoongi was too fucked up to ruin someone like Jimin.

- "His hands are so small, Tae. Have you seen how small they are? I could easily hold them both in one of mine." – He’d drunkenly slurred at one point, eyes puffy and red rimmed, his hair all messed up from Taehyung running his fingers through it in an attempt to calm him down . - "He's just so soft and sexy at the same time. How does he do that? And his eyes do that thing when he laughs. He's so... He is so precious, so so beautiful. I want to hug him and protect him and tell him he is perfect, and tell him to eat more, and to stop being so hard on himself all the damn time. I just..." – At that he had gone silent for a second, had closed his eyes tightly. - "I love him so much." - He whispered. – "Tae, I love him so much, sometimes I think I can’t breathe."

So Yoongi can help, because it’s Taehyung the one who can’t breathe now and he just needs to feel like himself again, desperately.

The company's building is close to their dorm and yet it seems to take him forever to get there. He runs inside, grateful that there's barely anybody there so late at night.

By the time he's in the elevator going up to the fourth floor, he's clawing at his neck. Then the doors open and he's met with the sight of Yoongi making himself a coffee on the dispensing machine in the hallway.

He stumbles out like a toddler learning how to walk and one look from a startled Yoongi is all it takes for him to be by his side.

- "Taehyung, look at me." - Yoongi says, voice deliberately soft. - "Come on, rise your head and look at me."

- "Hy-hyung."

- "It's alright, Tae, it's gonna be okay. Come with Hyung. Is it okay if Hyung touches you?"

Taehyung doesn't know but he nods his head anyways and Yoongi lays a tentative hand against his lower back to guide him to his studio.

- "Would you feel claustrophobic if I close the door?" - He says after making him sit down on the small couch against the wall.

- "I don't... Know." - He's going to die, his heart is pounding like crazy, his fingers are numb and he's going to die.

- "Okay, alright. I'll leave the door ajar just in case. Nobody's here at this hour anyways." - Yoongi kneels in front of him. – "Tae, I need you to breathe for me, yeah? Listen, you're okay. It's a panic attack and it'll go away soon. Just listen to what I’m going to tell you."

He looks at Yoongi, blinks away the tears falling from his eyes and the other is looking at him with the softest smile.

- "I’m going to count out loud and you have to do what I tell you, okay? I'm going to make you breathe in for four seconds, hold your breath for seven seconds and breathe out for eight seconds. Are you ready?"

He nods and for a while there's only the sound of Yoongi counting softly for him and Taehyung’s broken breaths slowly going back to normal.  

The calmer he gets the more Yoongi takes it as an opportunity to touch him, knowing that while he's not very good with physical contact, Taehyung is always seeking it. First he cleans the tears falling from his eyes, then he's stroking his hair and finally he's sitting by his side with an arm around his shoulders. They both ignore Yoongi's cell phone constantly vibrating next to his keyboard.

Yoongi keeps on repeating that he's going to be okay, that he needs to trust him and that nothing is going to happen to him. There's a brief second where Taehyung remembers his dad, that loving presence that would make him feel protected no matter what, and he thanks whatever God is out there for Yoongi's soft, caring side.

Taehyung buries his face against Yoongi's neck, closes his eyes tight and just rests in there. There's a certain smell that all of them have, past the scent of their own colognes, it's home and it's reassuring.

- "Hyung, I think everyone knows." - He whispers when he feels like he can finally talk.

- "What do you mean, Tae? What happened?"

- "Jungkook." - He says, but he needs to take a deep breath in before continuing. - "He brought her home."

- "Oh..." - Is all Yoongi says, Taehyung feels like maybe he doesn't need to explain much more.

There's a beat of silence but Yoongi breaks it while leaning his head against Tae's.

- "How bad was it?"

- "I couldn't even look at them without feeling like I was going to break down. I couldn't eat, my stomach was in a knot the whole evening and everyone was looking at me because I was barely talking." - Great, he's crying again. Jesus, he needs to pull himself together. - "Namjoon-Hyung tried to ask me what was wrong but I couldn't tell him. He told me to behave and I tried, but then they started talking about how they met and Jungkook was touching her and I couldn't breathe."

Yoongi's hand comes up to his head and pats him without saying anything.

- "I just got up and left. I was about to lose it and I couldn't let them see and now everyone knows, Hyung, they know."

- "They don't, Tae. Don't worry." - Yoongi sighs. - "We can make something up. We've been really busy lately, it's not strange to have a break down the moment you slow down."

Taehyung looks at him, Yoongi's got his eyes fixed on his computer monitor. He senses there's a reason why Yoongi never really stops working, more than him loving what he does so much.

- "You can tell them you'd been feeling a little out of it all day long. That it got worse as the evening progressed and then you started panicking and you came to me because you know I've dealt with panic attacks in the past."

- "You have?"

He watches as Yoongi's gaze gets lost then, for a beat he seems defenceless, shakes his head like he's chasing some memory away.

- "I've known darkness in my life, Tae." - Yoongi purses his lips. - "Dealing with a sick mind teaches you a thing or two about how to get through that kind of things."

- "Hyung."

- "What worries me now though, is that you could end up like me." - Yoongi interrupts him. - "You've seen how bad it was, how bad it still is sometimes."

Taehyung nods.

- "I don't know what to do." - He admits. - "I was hoping it would go away with time. But it's been nearly two months and it still hurts so much."

- "Tae..." - Yoongi holds his hand, looks him in the eye. - "You're in love with him."

It’s not a question. Taehyung feels his chest constrict, feels a sob escaping his lips out of its own volition.

- "Yeah." - He manages to say.

Yoongi tightens his grip around him. Allows him to get it all out.

- "How do you do it, Hyung?" - He asks, fixes his gaze in the bottles of shampoo and conditioner on Yoongi's shelves. - "How do you live seeing Jimin everyday and knowing he doesn't love you back?"

- "It's..." - Yoongi swallows. - "Some days it’s unbearable."

Taehyung doesn't think he's ever been in the presence of someone who's gained so much wisdom out of all the pain he's gone through. There's shadows under Yoongi's eyes occasionally, purple and angry in contrast with his otherwise smooth skin. Those are the days Taehyung knows it's been particularly bad for him. And he’s softer, more willing to be hugged, like he's learnt that sometimes human contact is the only thing that'll get him out of whatever hole he's buried himself in.  

- "Heartbreak is paralyzing. It steals your breath away, doesn't it?" - Yoongi says with irony, and for a second there's the Yoongi he's always known, smiling faintly without any humour at how life can be full of bullshit at times.- "It makes you feel like you could sink to the floor and disappear. It makes you crave for it. But then..."

Taehyung has straightened up at this point, clinging to his every word.

- "You see him smile." - He closes his eyes tight. - "Hear his laugh... He hugs you and it feels like home." - Yoongi shakes his head again, but this time it's like he's trying to hold onto whatever his mind is conjuring. – "Every now and then, he takes you by the hand and you wonder why it feels so right." - He looks at his own pale fingers, still holding on to Taehyung's. - "And whenever you look at him, you're just so grateful. Because... No matter how much of a piece of shit you think you are, he looks at you like he doesn't know what he would do if he didn't have you in his life."

Taehyung isn't sure why he's crying now, if it's because of his own problems or because he feels so deeply sorry for Yoongi, or both.

- "And it's enough." - Yoongi whispers. - "It has to be enough, to live another day, to keep on moving. It's not enough to forget, it does nothing against the constant need to have him by your side, to protect him and make him happy. But... If it can't be any other way, at least he loves you like a brother, looks up to you and seeks for your advice. At least you can give him your all and hope that, thanks to you, he's also feeling a little like he can keep on going no matter what."

- "Yoongi-Hyung."

- "It's a horrible way of living, though." - Yoongi adds, pierces him with an intense look. - "Giving so much of yourself and receiving so little, compared to how much you want." - He rests his forehead against Taehyung's. - "I really hope it doesn't become like that for you too. Tae, I really hope you get to be fully happy."

They hug, Taehyung holds on to Yoongi's hoodie and wishes he could take Jimin by the shoulders and shake him until he sees what's in front of his eyes.

(Unbeknownst to them, at the other side of the door that's been ajar the whole time, Jimin sits on the floor, covering his mouth with a shaky hand, cell phone held tight on the other, silently crying.)

They ask, of course they do. Scold him and Yoongi for not answering their phones when they were so worried. But Taehyung's got Yoongi by his side on this one, and they believe the whole story about him having a panic attack due to stress. They forgive them when Yoongi tells them that he was too focused on making Tae feel better to notice his phone ringing.

Lying to them isn't easy, even if the only thing that’s untrue is the source of Taehyung's stress.

Guilt aside though, Taehyung is particularly worried about Jimin and Jungkook.

While Yoongi and Taehyung sit on the couch and listen to Seokjin, Namjoon and Hoseok lecturing them like concerned parents, Jimin stands aside getting increasingly agitated. His hair is a mess from running his fingers through it non stop, he's tapping his pointer finger against his thigh faster and faster and the way he looks at them, while they tell their side of the story and make their excuses, makes Taehyung feel like he somehow knows.

Taehyung isn't sure, but he thinks Jimin's eyes look too red and puffy, like maybe he was so worried about them that he cried?

Jungkook, on the other hand, doesn't rise his eyes from his feet a single time. And, when the whole thing is over, he just stands and leaves, not sparing a glance in his direction.

The next couple of days, there's a tension coming from both Jimin and Jungkook that Taehyung doesn't know how to deal with. Jimin alternates from looking pissed off to looking kind of lost in his own mind. Jungkook simply avoids him like the plague.

Cameras on, everybody acts natural. It's a rehearsed hoax, second nature. Jimin laughs chirpily and smiles his brightest like it's on purpose, like he's counter acting his original feelings to balance it out. Jungkook plays with Taehyung, back-hugs him and rests his chin on his shoulder like he isn't the first one to put distance between them the second he's allowed to. Hoseok is cheerful and loud, Jin repeats the phrase "Worldwide handsome" and sends as many flying kisses as possible, Namjoon keeps finding a way to be their collected leader while simultaneously destroying 80% of the things that fall into his hands, Yoongi is his cool, taciturn self. And Taehyung... He does his best. Doesn't let their audience notice when he struggles through his handshake with Jungkook, doesn't let them see when his touch burns against his skin, doesn't allow himself to think about the hollow feeling in his stomach when Jimin regards him like everything is fine.

Cameras off, Jimin bites his nails until one of the makeup noonas tells him to stop, flinches every time Yoongi touches him like there's an electric current running through his body.

Jungkook doesn't even meet Taehyung's eyes, unless it's necessary.

It's strange. He was the first one to avoid Jungkook, so by all means he should be relieved, but he most definitely isn't. The hole in his heart gets bigger with every passing day in which they don't talk, it's edges burning. Jungkook's presence in any given situation making him hipper aware of how much empty space there is between them.

This is torture. 

Then comes a day where everybody goes home for a week and, as fate would have it, Taehyung and Jungkook have to wait until next morning to go meet their families.

That afternoon, while everybody says their goodbyes, Jimin takes him by the arm and asks if they could briefly talk.

- "I'm sorry." - It's the first thing he says, when they get a moment for themselves. - "I've been unfair to you lately. I... I have a lot of things in my mind these days."

Taehyung doesn't really know what he's talking about, but Jimin hugs him and whispers in his ear.

- "I know everything, Tae." - At that Taehyung's breath catches, but Jimin only tightens his grip around him. - "Don't ask me how I know, but I do. I was mad at first. You didn't tell me, like you promised you would. But I thought about it and think I understand now."

Jimin pulls back, holds him by the shoulders.

- "Don't lose hope." - He says, smiles at him for real, with the sunshine literally shining behind his back and giving him a halo. Taehyung gapes at him. - "You never know what may happen." - His gaze travels to somewhere over Taehyung's shoulder and he swallows. - "You never know what people may be feeling."

- "Jiminie, we are leaving." - Comes Yoongi's voice at Taehyung's back.

- "Yes, Hyung." - Jimin answers and his smile doubles in size until his eyes fully disappear in little crescents. - "I'm coming."

Taehyung turns around just in time to see the full effect of that smile hit Yoongi like a train. The older having to take a moment to compose himself after Jimin walks away, looking at the ground and taking a deep breath before hugging Tae good bye.

After they all leave, the silence is so heavy Taehyung feels like it's a solid weight on his shoulders.

Dinner is spent in their separate rooms, Taehyung watching a movie and Jungkook doing who-knows-what behind his closed door. A few hours later, he finds himself staring at a wall and just thinking. If things were okay right now, he'd be in Jungkook's room playing video games or watching anime, or they'd be just hanging out and enjoying each other's presence.

Their friendship has done a one-eighty so fast and so brutally that everybody in their group just had to accept it. They'd asked questions in the beginning, especially to him. But where Jungkook had just deadpanned an 'I don't know', Taehyung had shrugged and changed the topic, blaming stress over and over again until Seokjin had actually suggested that he see a therapist.

Maybe he does need one, it really has to be bad if he can't even pretend in front of Jungkook for one night.

And he misses him, so so much that without thinking he finds himself wandering around the dorm until he pauses one time too many in front of Jungkook's door and concludes that he should give it a try. That he's strong enough, that he has to be. He has to be. 

He knocks. 

There's silence on the other side. The fear of rejection hits him hard. What if Jungkook doesn't want to have anything to do with him anymore? What if this is the moment where their lives start going in slightly different paths? It'd be horrible, first they'll be bandmates but won't get along like now, then there will come a day where he won't know anything about Jungkook anymore. They'll inhabit the same place, but will be so far apart it'll be as if they would be living in different countries. He'll have to pretend to get along with him, whenever the cameras are on, forever.

By the time he's worked himself into a mild panic, he's about to run away but he hears movement and the door clicks open.

Jungkook looks at him with apprehension, waits until he says something but Taehyung doesn’t really know how to talk with him anymore.

- "Yes, Hyung?" – He finally asks.

- "Uh..." – His hands are sweating, and he’s sure that if Jungkook rejects him, he'll have a breakdown right here in front of him. - "I... Just--"

He sighs, shaking his head and lowering his gaze.

- "I'm sorry, it's nothing. I didn't mean to bother you. I'll leave."

Jungkook doesn't even let him turn around before he’s holding on to his wrist to stop him.

- "Wait!" - He exclaims, looking distressed and even a little desperate, like he's been waiting for this opportunity for days, maybe even months. - "Hyung, don't go."

He silently pulls at Taehyung's arm until they are both inside. Closes the door with a small kick of his foot and guides his Hyung to his bed.

Taehyung sits with his gaze still somewhere around the general direction of the floor, feeling the dip of the mattress thanks to Jungkook's added weight, and struggling to find a thing to say.

- "Hyung." - Jungkook's voice breaks the silence. - "Are you mad at me?"

Taehyung shakes his head.

- "Do you..." - He makes a pause. - "Do you hate Soo-jin?"

- "No." - Taehyung whispers. - "She's really nice, kookie. Why would I hate her?"

- "I don't know, I've just been noticing..." - Jungkook sighs. - "I started to avoid you because I thought you looked upset whenever I talked about her and then the night I brought her home, you..."

Taehyung shakes his head again, takes a deep breath in, decides that he's older and that he should be wiser. He has to do better, even if it means lying a little.

- "I'm sorry, it's nothing like that."

He chances a look at Jungkook and he is biting his lower lip and playing with an Iron man plushy that a fan gave him a while ago. He looks like the kid he first met that rainy day when they were still trainees. Taehyung allows the image to take him back, breathes in and can almost smell the petrichor in the air and hear the pitter-patter of the drops hitting the ceiling, the cold creeping in through the window. Or maybe it's him that's cold, maybe his skin is turning lighter and his lips are turning blue.

For some reason, lying feels like he's freezing. There has to be something he can say that's true.

- "I haven't been feeling like myself, lately. I shouldn't have made you feel like you couldn't talk to me. I care about what you have to say, Kookie. I miss playing games with you and coming up with new handshakes, and cuddling with you when I can't sleep. I just don't know how to- How to..."

He trails off. Jungkook frowns, concerned about the sudden tightness in his Hyung's voice.

I just don't how to stop it from tearing me apart.

- "I hope you can forgive me." - Taehyung finally says. - "I'll do better from now on." 

- "Hyung, what's wrong? Are you really just stressed?"

- "No, not really." - He admits. - "I can't tell you what's wrong, though. I'm sorry."

- "Why not?"

- "It's... Uh... Personal."

- "So you don't trust me now?"

- "No, I do! I do, but I haven't told anyone, I’m not ready. Yoongi-Hyung found out on his own because he's got the same problem and..." - Okay, maybe he shouldn't have said that, but it's out there now. - "Just, don't worry about it. I can manage." - He nods to himself. – "It’s going to take time, but I'll be okay."

Jungkook tightens his lips into a straight line.

- "Are you sure?"

- "Yes, I'm sorry."

- "Stop apologising." - Jungkook chastises. - "Whatever it is, you look like you can't help it. I just wish I could do something to make it better."

You can stop being so perfect for me. Taehyung thinks, but instead of saying that, he smiles as best he can.

- "Just talk to me."

- "Hhm?"

- "About whatever you want. Hit me upside the head when I get all silent and stupid. Come play with me... Just know that I'll always, always want to have you in my life, no matter what." - Please don't cry, please don't cry. - "I'm not going anywhere without you by my side, remember?"

Jungkook licks his lips, processing his words for a moment, and then smiles, bright and beautiful like that day in the car so long ago.

- "Yeah." – He accepts in a small voice. - "Okay."

They end up playing games and laughing together with a renewed happiness that makes Taehyung feel better than ever. Stealing the ice cream that Seokjin's been hiding in the back of the freezer and taking turns imitating their managers scolding them for ingesting such outrageous amount of calories in one sitting. Jungkook smiles so much and takes so many opportunities to casually touch him that Taehyung feels light-headed.

This is what he needed, to have his friend back. Even if he's constantly trying to stop himself from kissing Jungkook's lips and holding him thight until he can't breathe. Like Yoongi’s said, having this is enough, knowing that Jungkook loves him like a brother and enjoys being in his presence. In the end, a life without Jungkook in it, is worse than any other thing he can possibly think of.

It's a while later, when they both feel like they should be going to bed, that Taehyung starts doubting himself. Would it be too self-indulgent to ask to sleep with him? After all, he's got a girlfriend now, maybe she'd be pissed if she found out they shared a bed. Is he even allowed anymore? Does it matter? Jungkook clearly doesn't see him as anything other than an older brother. Platonic cuddling isn't cheating, right?

Jungkook doesn't even seem to think about all of these things. He's well versed on Taehyung's needs, and it shows. They've slept together so many times in the past that they've lost count. Taehyung has always rested better when he's able to hug someone, and what started years ago as a favour in Jungkook's part because Taehyung'd had a nightmare once or twice, became a habit. So it shouldn't be surprising when he talks about it like it's a given.

And yet, Taehyung is surprised.

- "Hyung, aren't you going to go get your pyjamas? I mean..." - Is it his imagination or is Jungkook actually blushing right now? - "We've slept with nothing but boxers before but I thought... It's a little bit chilly tonight, isn't it?"

- "What? I mean, yeah! Yes. I'll be right back."

He goes to his room on autopilot. Takes a deep breath in and just closes his eyes for a second. He's grateful, oh so grateful that Jungkook seems to have reverted to his old self like nothing ever happened. But Taehyung hasn't. Sleeping with him in the past was like eating candy when you were supposed to stick to your diet, a little indulgence, not that harmful at the end of the day. But sleeping in the same bed as Jungkook now feels like stealing him for the night, because even if it doesn't seem to be that important to him, it means a lot to Taehyung. It feels like he can have him when she doesn't. Like it's a part of him, a moment, that Taehyung gets to keep for himself and he's sure she hasn't got the opportunity to even think about yet. 

He feels a little bit mischievous, a little bit guilty too. But it's innocent, it really is, no matter how much he wishes it wasn't.

When he comes back, Jungkook is already in bed. Belly down, face buried on the back of his hands. He hears him walking in and turns to look at him with sleepy eyes, lifts the covers in silent invitation and it surely shouldn't fill Taehyung's belly with so much warmth.

- "Turn the lights off, please." - Jungkook says, his voice like honey.

Taehyung nods, not sure if he can talk right now because there's an uninvited lump in his throat that he needs to swallow back down immediately.

He reaches the bed and carefully lies down next to Jungkook. He stares up, allowing his eyes to adjust to the darkness. Jungkook's body seems to radiate heat, and Taehyung’s right hand twitches with the desire of touching.

There's a beat or two where he just lies there, listening to Jungkook's breathing and basking in how calming it is to have the other's perfume filling his lungs. The familiar smells around him trigger another memory, one of Jungkook's doe eyes illuminated by the stars as he stared out the window.

- "Kookie." - He whispers, and Jungkook makes a sound of acknowledgement. - "Do you remember that night, years ago, where I found you sitting by the window? I was upset because we were supposed to have a week off but then stuff came up and we couldn't go meet our families."

- "...Yeah."

- "I still wonder sometimes, what were you thinking about that kept you up then?"

Jungkook turns to lie on his side, facing him and Taehyung squints to try and see him.

- "Back then I..." - Jungkook swallows. - "To be honest, I should start that phrase differently."

Taehyung frowns and gives him time to collect his thoughts.

- "Still to this day," - He corrects. - "I wonder what it is to be in love."

- "Wh-what do you mean?"

- "It's just that we sing about it all the time, and sometimes I think I get it." - He shakes his head. - "But I don't really know if I've ever been in love. How does it feel like? Does it really make you do all of those crazy things?"

- "Our songs prompted you to think about that? Wait, aren't you..." - He stops there, really it's not his place to ask.

- "Well, it wasn't our songs to begin with. I--For years, I've liked... Someone. A lot." - Jungkook looks down at the space between them. - "But I never knew if it was more than just a crush."

Taehyung needs to calm his racing heart right now or he's sure he's going to have a heart attack. Jungkook likes someone, he's been liking them for a long time, which means it's not his current girlfriend. He tries really hard to stop himself from hoping again, it's not him, it can't be him. 

- "I don't know if I'd call it 'Just a crush' if it's been years." – He says, whispering like it's a secret.

- "But how do I know for sure?" - Jungkook asks, big and inexperienced eyes looking up at Taehyung. - "Have you ever been in love, Hyung?"

Well... He walked right into that one.

- "Yes." - His mouth says without his permission.

Fuck

- "With who?"

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!

- "That's a secret."

- "Hyung."

- "Hey, you didn’t tell me who it is that you like, so I have the right to keep this to myself too."

Jungkook considers it and finally seems to agree that it's fair game. But then, to Taehyung's dismay, he moves closer, takes his left hand and pulls until Taehyung is forced to mirror his position and face him.

- "How does it feel, then?" – He says softly. – "How does it feel to be in love, Hyung?"

Taehyung blinks several times and holds his breath.

- "It-it feels..." - He evades looking directly at Jungkook by staring down at their interlocked hands. - "When you're in love, just seeing that person smiling makes you happy. You want to keep them safe and make sure that they'll always have you by their side, in case they need you. You feel like every song you listen to is somehow referring to them. You see them everyday and feel the constant need to just..." - He gestures with his free hand, closing it in a fist in the air like he's trying to hold on to something. - "Hug them and never letting go."

He licks his lips, thinks about Yoongi instead of himself because the pain in his chest is getting too strong.

- "You-you'd do anything for them, even if it means that you have to keep your distance... Even if it hurts so much that you think you can't breathe."

Taehyung closes his eyes, pictures Yoongi's studio. He sees the bags of takeaway food, the countless coffees and the bottles of hair products, sees Yoongi late at night composing or simply watching a series by himself. Lonely, so very lonely.

- "Being in love can be really beautiful, it can fill you with so much warmth that you think you'll combust. Sometimes it makes you selfless, sometimes it makes you selfish. It can help you understand someone deeply and find light even in their darkest places... But it can also destroy you in the worst ways possible. It can make you feel like you're not enough, like you don't deserve to be with that person. It can burn you and leave nothing but the ashes of who you were." - Taehyung opens his eyes and finds Jungkook biting his lower lip so hard he must be about to draw blood. - "I've seen it, Kookie. It's so intense, a simple look from that person can shake you down to your core."

Jungkook tightens his grip on Taehyung's hand.

- "I think that being in love is..." - Why didn't he realise sooner that talking about Yoongi is basically talking about himself as well? - "Is allowing that person to hold your heart in their hands and do whatever they want with it, hoping that they'll take care of it... And, if you're lucky, they'll let you hold theirs and keep it for the rest of your life."

Jungkook opens his mouth, tries to say something but then stops. He looks at the wall, the ceiling, then their hands, then back at Taehyung.

- "Were you lucky?" – He finally asks.

Taehyung blinks hard, holds his tears at bay and prays that his voice won't waver.

- "No." - He manages to breathe out.

He wants to add that it's alright, that it doesn't matter, but it's a lie so big it doesn't fit in his mouth, gets stuck in the back of his throat and chokes him.

- "I’m sorry, Hyung."

It's so ironic it forces an airy laugh out of Taehyung. It soon becomes obvious that he won't make it without at least shedding a tear, so he rubs his eyes with the back of his hand.

- "Don't. It's..." - He really can't say it anymore, he can't assure him it's going to be okay. - "I've found that having that person in my life and just being their friend is good enough. Because, being without them is so sad and lonely it makes me want to scream." - Taehyung smiles sadly at him. - "I love that person a lot, and they love me in a way too, so I'll take what I can and hope that someday they’ll find happiness with someone who loves them as much as I do."

His voice wavers. Jungkook doesn't seem to know what to do, for a moment he just watches as Taehyung tries and fails to pull himself together.

Taehyung is doing his best, but he just realised that it's true, that Jungkook will walk away someday, holding someone else's hand. He'll probably get married and have children too.

Jungkook’s going to have a life where Taehyung isn't as vital anymore, he'll smile with his bunny teeth to that person, look at them like they hang the stars.

His face feels hot and the effort to stop himself from crying is giving him a headache. Then Jungkook hugs him, holds him against his chest and the dam breaks. He closes his eyes tight, allows the tears to fall freely and hiccups in between sobs

This is worst than when he cried with Jimin. It tastes bitter and makes him want to sink in the mattress until it swallows him.

Jungkook feels solid against him though, the small boy he remembers from years ago is now bigger and almost as tall as him, he grounds him so Taehyung doesn't get lost in his hopelessness. Jungkook kisses his head with a sweetness that's unheard of him and it brings Taehyung back slowly, until he is taking deep breaths and picturing they are all of the negative thoughts that he needs to let go of as he exhales.

- "I had no idea you were hurting so much." - Jungkook whispers with his lips against Taehyung's brow. - "You're so selfless and strong, Hyung."

Taehyung laughs again but this time is more watery.

- "I don't know about that." - He circles his arms around Jungkook and presses his face hard against his chest until he can feel his heart beating. - "Promise me something, Kookie."

- "What is it?" - Comes Jungkook's voice from above his head.

- "Promise me that, when you finally find that you're in love with someone, you'll be brave and you'll tell them so you can have a chance to be happy."

Jungkook is silent, Taehyung feels how his breath stutters, feels the arms around him get impossibly tighter.

- "I promise, Hyung."

- "Thank you." - He says, voice muffled by Jungkook's t-shirt. 

There's no more words to say for tonight. Taehyung falls asleep in that very position, surrounded by Jungkook's arms and pressed against his solid chest.

Things change a lot a week later.

Seokjin comes back with so much food (courtesy of his mother) that they are sure they are going to need to hit the gym all week long only to burn what they eat those first few days, all of them a little bit slow to come back to normal. Namjoon is somewhat jumpy for no apparent reason and came back to the dorm earlier than expected without explaining anybody why. Yoongi and Jimin keep on staring at each other when the other isn't looking and whenever they talk there's so much tension between them, Taehyung isn't sure if they are two seconds away from kissing or fighting. Hoseok seems to sense there's something off, and he’s constantly quiet like he's expecting something to happen and he doesn't want to miss it. Jungkook, on his part, whilst aware of their group dynamic having shifted, ignores it completely and focuses on being all over Taehyung all the time.

Not that Taehyung is complaining, but well... He's kind of complaining.

Having Jungkook practically glued to his side at all times has his ups and downs. On one hand, Jungkook plays games with him, hugs him whenever he gets a chance, sleeps with him more often than not, cuddles, touches, even kisses the back of his hand on a strange occasion. On the other hand, Taehyung is pretty sure that, if Jungkook doesn't tone it down, one of these days he's going to lose all semblance of control and make a big, big mistake.

There's a line between having a close friendship that allows you to innocently sit on someone's lap or cuddle all night long, and straight up flirting. Taehyung isn't sure where exactly they stand regarding that line anymore, and at this point he's sure it's not just his imagination.

In the past, Taehyung used to be the one to initiate any kind of contact and with time Jungkook grew used to it, slowly starting to open up and make his own approaches (which is what doomed Taehyung to a life of unrequited love to begin with). But it was always with a little bit of shyness.

Now, it feels like all caution has been thrown out the metaphorical window.

He's pretty sure their managers are one more touch away from resigning.

Taehyung's been scolded before for being all over Jungkook when the cameras were on. If there is something Bang PD and their managers are well aware of is the whole “shipping” thing their fans have going on. But using it for their advantage and actually rising suspicions are two different things, specially in their country.

Nevertheless, Jungkook has either stopped caring or is actively trying to give them all an ulcer.

(or maybe something else entirely given the fact that he's even walking into the freaking bathroom when Taehyung is showering.)

At the end of fan-signs, Jungkook stands so close to his back that Taehyung can feel him breathing down his neck.

On stage, he locks eyes with him whenever he's making those sinful, and frankly bordering on rude, body rolls.

He seems to find himself gravitating towards Taehyung after taking showers. Fucking walking around in the smallest towel known to human kind and striking up conversation with him until the little droplets of water have evaporated from his skin.

On occasion, Taehyung turns around and finds himself two centimetres away from Jungkook's face. The younger just staring at him like nothing’s happening and there's no such thing as personal space.

When he messes up on dance practice, Jungkook makes it his personal mission to explain the correct move by holding on to his hips and arms from the back and talking over his shoulder, his words practically getting tattooed to the skin behind Taehyung's ear.

There's at least a hundred new “Taekook” videos on YouTube that are all full of Jungkook seemingly being unable to stop his hands from landing on his body, while Taehyung looks like he's developed the tic of licking his lips like it's a knee-jerk reaction to Jungkook merely looking in his general direction.

He's expecting a meeting with Bang PD very soon, and he thinks that they'll probably end up having them stand in opposite ends of the line for the rest of their lives.

Taehyung is sure of two things by now: in the last few months he has, first cried more often than ever in his life and, second, gained the ability to control the shudders running down his spine with such professionalism that the only thing actually shuddering is his heart.

Everything else is just utterly confusing.

And it really doesn't help that everyone in their group is acting strange too.

Seokjin and Namjoon are the firsts to end up being crushed by the strange pressure.

Their leader's been acting like someone's holding a knife to his back ever since he came back from their vacation. Often, he spaces out until Seokjin finds his gaze and they have these moments where everyone can tell they are having silent conversations, looking at each other from across the table for what feels like hours without saying anything. Seokjin ends these exchanges by sighing and resuming his eating and Namjoon's face becomes the very definition of apologetic.

One particular night though, Seokjin has enough. Namjoon's been staring at the TV, unblinking, for at least half an hour. Seokjin sits by his side and Namjoon jumps so high Taehyung is sure that his butt actually left the couch for a second. At this, his boyfriend frowns and whispers something in his ear, but Namjoon shakes head and it starts a hushed argument that holds the attention of all the other members until suddenly Seokjin stands up, he takes Namjoon by the hand and all but drags him out the room with an air of determination.

For everybody else, it's like war is about to break out.

Jimin and Taehyung are both struck with the need to snoop simultaneously, they exchange a look and with a nod they are following them, completely ignoring Hoseok’s reprimands and Yoongi’s warnings of staying out from what's none of their business.

The door to Namjoon's room is slightly ajar, they kneel in front of it and shuffle a little until they can both see. Felling like children spying on their parents fighting, they lean on each other and try to get a glimpse of what's going on.

From the dark hallway they can see Namjoon sitting on his bed and Seokjin pacing around, coming in and out of sight. By the looks of it, none of them has said anything yet. Namjoon fidgets with the blanket, keeps his head down and makes himself as small as possible.

- "Spit it out." - Seokjin finally says and gets visibly agitated by the complete silence in Namjoon's part. - "Kim Namjoon, spit it out, right now."

(- "Oooh, Jin-Hyung is using his full name, Namjoon-Hyung is in real trouble." - Comes a whisper that almost makes Taehyung and Jimin jump out of their skin.

Jungkook is kneeling by their side, staring at the scene in front of them barely blinking.

- "Jesus, Kookie, you almost gave me a heart attack." - Taehyung breathes.)

- "Jin, please." - They all turn to see Namjoon biting his lips.

- "Please, what? Namjoon what the hell is going on with you lately?" - Seokjin barks out. - "And it's Hyung for you. You don't get to treat me like an equal when you've been behaving so strange without giving me an explanation. I don't care that we're behind closed doors."

- "I'm sorry, Hyung." - It's all their leader says.

Seokjin looks at him like he's about to strangle him.

- "We-had-an-agreement." - He says, punctuating every word with a tap of his foot. - "So, for the last time, spit it out."

(- "What kind of agreement?" - Jimin wonders out loud.

- "To always communicate with each other when one of them is going though a hard time." - Answers Yoongi, from their back, like he's materialised from thin air at some point.

- "Oh my God, Hyung. When did you even-"

- "Shush, Jiminie, I'm trying to listen.")

- "I'm just tired, Jin-Hyu-"

- "Oh, stop with that bullshit!"

(- "He’s cursing a lot, that can’t be good."

- "Hobi-Hyung, you too. Really?"

- "Yeah, what happened with not invading our Hyungs' privacy"?

- "Could you all shut up?")

- "Namjoon..." – Seokjin’s voice goes soft, through the door they can see him stop in front of Namjoon, pursing his lips. – "Is it really something you can’t tell me?"

Namjoon nods, not even daring to look at his boyfriend in the eyes.

- "Why? I... Did I do something wrong?" - Is Seokjin about to start crying? - "Do you-Are you thinking about breaking up with me?"

(They all gasp, including Namjoon.)

- "What?! No!" - And that has him finally lifting his head. - "Never! No! Why would you think that?"

- "You don't talk to me!" - Seokjin shouts, gesticulating with his hands wildly. - "You startle every time I touch you. You space out all the damn time!"

- "Jin, no. Oh no, no." – Namjoon stands and tries to touch him but Seokjin recoils.

- "Then what is it?" – He demands.

Namjoon stays quiet, visibly hurt at the prospect of Seokjin not wanting to be touched by him.

- "I just..." - He sighs. - "Ok... Alright."

He sits down on the bed again, looking defeated and suddenly quite nervous.

- "I want..." - He starts, but has to swallow and try again. – "Oh God! I’m doing this. Just--Give me a second."

He pauses, grips the sheets under his hands tightly and releases them only to do it again a moment later. Seokjin waits patiently, but with every minute Namjoon takes to gain courage, he frowns more an more deeply.

- "I want to marry you, Jin." – Namjoon finally whispers and immediately closes his eyes, like he's waiting for a bomb to explode.

(Everybody outside the door have their jaws hitting the floor, none of them daring to even breathe.)

Seokjin's gone tense, shocked, hands halfway up to his open mouth and he's just staring.

- "You... You, what?" – He croaks out, after the longest, most heavy moment of silence.

- "I want to marry you, s-someday... Obviously not here because it's not legal... A-and not now! You know, with our careers and everything. But, I..."

He stands up, Seokjin follows him with his eyes while Namjoon walks to his socks drawer and rummages until he takes a small box from it, presenting it to his boyfriend.

- "I found this in a store like two months ago." - Namjoon explains. - "I thought it was perfect for you."

Seokjin opens it with trembling hands and makes a strangled noise, like he's about to start crying all over again.

(From where they are kneeling outside they can't see what it is, but they can guess.

- "An honest to God engagement ring, holy crap." - Yoongi whispers.)

- "I told my mom and dad I want to marry you." - Namjoon continues.

- "WHAT?!"

- "Yeah..." - Namjoon toys with one of his earrings. - "They didn't take it well, kept talking about grandchildren, the neighbours and our careers, and stuff. But I told them I honestly don't care." - Seokjin is either about to have a heart attack or to start hyperventilating. - "I love you so much, Jin. I don't care about anything else, I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

- "You do?" - Seokjin's voice has gone higher than ever, a mess of tears and sobs, and one of his hands has finally found his mouth, covering his quivering lips, while the other holds the small box gingerly.

Namjoon steps closer, takes Seokjin’s shaking hand with his own trembling ones.

- "If you let me, I'll do my best every day to make... Make you happy until we're both old and you're the most handsome grandpa that anyone has ever seen."

Seokjin laughs, hits him in the chest and hugs him tight, tears still streaming down his face.

- "That was the cheesiest thing you've ever said." - He cries. - "But I like that idea, so much."

- "Really?" – Namjoon buries his face on Seokjin's shoulder.

- "Yeah, I want to marry you... Someday."

By now everybody is crying, even Yoongi looks away and tries to pretend he is not dabbing at his eyes.

Jungkook's hand has found Taehyung's somewhere along the way and he's clutching at it so hard Tae is afraid he's going to start to lose feeling on it soon.

- "Am I the only one who really wants to go and hug them now?" - Hoseok whispers.

- "Fuck, no. Me too." - Jimin answers and just stands up, opens the door and runs to them, prompting everyone to follow.

Soon there's a cacophony of sound, all seven of them hugging in a mess of limbs. Jimin and Jungkook joke about their 'parents' getting married, Hoseok repeats the phrase 'Oh my God' like it's the only thing left on his vocabulary, Taehyung hums the wedding march, Yoongi pats their backs and tells them it was about time, and Namjoon chuckles at Seokjin's loud protests about kids these days not respecting anyone's privacy.

In the midst of it all, Taehyung sees Yoongi leaning a bit towards Jimin, resting his forehead on his shoulder and staying there for a bit. He doesn't know what it means, but he thinks his Hyung is maybe coming to a decision.

A few days later Jungkook comes back home late at night, walks inside Taehyung's bedroom without knocking, lifts the bed covers and makes himself at home behind Taehyung's back like he belongs there.

Taehyung is awake but barely, so it takes him awhile to realise Jungkook's breathing is a bit irregular.

- "What's wrong, Kookie?" - He whispers, caressing the arm that's found its way around his waist.

Jungkook doesn't answer right away, just breathes in and out brokenly.

- "Soo-jin told me she is in love with me." - Comes his voice in the darkness.

- "Oh..."

Taehyung feels like the whole mattress has disappeared from underneath him. Dread crawls up his body like a wave and he tenses up so badly he's sure Jungkook's noticed. But if he did, he doesn't point it out, just presses his hand above Taehyung's heart and keeps on talking. 

- "I broke up with her."

- "Wha- You-- Why?"

- "I don't love her, Hyung. I like her a lot, she's pretty and funny but I couldn't keep on pretending like that was enough." - Jungkook tightens his grip on the front of Taehyung's t-shirt. - "I love... I’ve realised I'm in love with somebody else, that I've been in love for a very long time with..."

Taehyung waits and waits, but the end of that phrase never comes.

- "It wasn't fair for her and I feel so guilty."

Taehyung aches for him. Jungkook seems really tough on the outside, a little distant and reluctant to touch or talk with strangers. But in reality that’s because he's still every bit the shy boy he used to be. He's probably one of the sweetest boys Taehyung's ever known, it's one of the reasons why he loves him so much. So it's no surprise that rather than being sad because he broke up with her, he's being eaten by guilt because he hurt her feelings.

- "Hey." - Taehyung turns around in his arms, holds Jungkook's face when the youngest tries to avoid his eyes. - "You did the right thing, Kookie. It could have been worse, you could have lied."

- "No, I didn't do the right thing. I kinda knew..." - Jungkook sighs and his breath caresses Taehyung's face. - "I knew she was falling in love, but I thought maybe I could..."

- "You can't force yourself to fall in love with someone."

- "I know." - Taehyung kisses his forehead. - "I'm so immature, Hyung."

- "No, you're not. Stop it. We all make mistakes, Kookie. You are young and it was your first girlfriend."

- "And I fucked up."

- "No, you didn't. Come on." - Taehyung says. - "Fucking it up would have been telling her that you love her and inevitably hurting her even more in the future. I'm proud of you for being honest and making the right decision."

Jungkook presses himself against him again, breathes him in and Taehyung can feel the small smile on his lips against his collarbone.

- "Thank you, Hyung."

-

The first time Jungkook gets drunk, it wasn't necessarily planned because he was still a minor. Everyone agrees that it's okay for him to drink a little bit as long as nobody but them finds out. But then Jimin wants to play a drinking game and despite Seokjin and Hoseok's protests, Jungkook insists he wants to participate until they relent.

- "Better with us in the house, than outside with people we don't know." - Seokjin concedes, sounding like one of those modern moms in the movies. 

And, of course, it has to be the most cliche game of them all.

- "Never have I ever!" - Jimin says excitedly, not knowing that this stupid idea of his is going to turn the night into one of the most memorable of them all (for all the wrong reasons).

- "Hmmm... Never have I ever..." - Taehyung says and looks around them. - "Broke something from somebody else and pretended it wasn't me."

There's a collective grunt and everybody except for him and Seokjin take a shot.

- "Never have I ever had sex." - Jungkook says, shyly.

- "What, really? "- Taehyung inquires and Jungkook shrugs.

It doesn't take long until they are all a little bit past the point of giggly and then things spiral out of control. 

- "Alright." - Hoseok says, swaying a bit from side to side. - "Never have I ever... Uh...  Kissed someone I don't remember the name of."

- "Oh fuck off!" - Namjoon exclaims, before taking a shot of Soju in one go. – "That was on purpose!"

Yoongi, by Jimin's side looks away while taking a shot too.

- "This is war." - Namjoon declares. - "Never have I ever given a lap dance!"

- "Oh my God, how could you?" - Hoseok drinks and makes a face while everybody gapes at him. - "It was one time!"

- "And it was hilarious, I'm pretty sure that dude will never think of himself as straight again in his life."

- "What the hell, Hyung?!"

- "I was in highschooll and it was a dare!!!"

- "Oh God, I thought I had repressed that memory." - Yoongi says, looking haunted. - "That poor dude, my poor eyes..."

- "Never have I ever had sex with someone that’s in this room!" - Hoseok screams in revenge.

Now this was a little before Namjoon and Seokjin got together, so as far as they knew, nobody should drink, and yet.

Namjoon and Yoongi take a shot again. Everyone stares.

Years later, Taehyung will remember this night and wonder if this was ever a problem, if Namjoon had to explain the whole thing to Seokjin in detail.

For now, though, what happens is:

- "Uhh..." - Jungkook utters eloquently, gone completely red.

- "Look, I was very young and curious." - Namjoon says trying to look everywhere but in Seokjin's direction. - "We were alone in the studio and-"

- "IN THE STUDIO?!" - Jimin yells, his voice higher than ever.

- "Shut up! What were you expecting, for us to do it in the dorm? "– Yoongi answers, holding his head with his hands.

- "What the fuck, Hobi-hyung how do you know?"  - Taehyung says.

- "So!" - Hoseok looks way too happy. - "I was making my way to the studio one night-"

- "OH MY GOD!"

- "I just heard them, ok? I saw nothing... Thankfully." - Hoseok hiccups - "I gotta say, I'd never think Namjoon would be the-"

- "Never have I ever doubted my sexuality!" - Seokjin interrupts and everyone turns to look at him accusingly. - "What? I never did, I always knew I like dick."

- "Holy mother of God." - Jimin cries out and seems to be about to say something else but then pauses when Jungkook takes a shot.

- "Kookie?" - Taehyung asks, as surprised as everyone else.

- "I- I don't know." - Jungkook answers in a small voice. - "I've never been with neither boys nor girls but I've.. Uh... Considered both?"

Taehyung gapes at him.

- "Are you telling me that not even one of us is straight?" - Hoseok says and the lack of response that follows is enough to make Yoongi laugh like a hyena.

- "Oh, this is so good. Can you imagine what it would be like if people found out?" – He breathes in between giggles, making Namjoon cringe.

- "It keeps me awake at night sometimes, to be honest."

The atmosphere changes.

- "Yeah." - Jimin whispers.

And there's silence. 

-

Seokjin uses his brand new engagement ring whenever he's at home, looking at it from every possible angle and sighing happily. Namjoon’s dimpled smile can be seen from space. Hoseok seems to be more relaxed. Jungkook is as energetic as ever. Jimin and Yoongi...

- "What's up with you two, really?" - Taehyung asks in the changing room in a weird moment of solitude with Jimin.

- "I don't know what you mean."

- "Chim chim."

- "... I went to visit him when we were on vacation."

- "Oh?"

- "Yeah... We... I... We might have slept together."

- "Woah!!"

- "As in, in the same bed! You- Oh my god, Tae. Shut up!" - There's not enough stage makeup in the whole world to conceal Jimin's red cheeks right now.

Taehyung laughs and puts an arm around him.

- "So what, though? You've slept together before."

- "Yes, but... I don't know. It felt different. Especially now that I know..."

- "You know?" - Taehyung makes a vague gesture with his hand, prompting him to continue.

- "Nothing, just..."  - Jimin finds a lot of interest in his shoes all of a sudden. - "Tae, I think... I'm in love with him."

- "You are- What?!"

- "Shush, don't scream!"

Taehyung is so happy he thinks he'll start dancing right now, instead of in a few minutes on stage. Yoongi's been suffering for so long and now...

- "Jiminie, Tae." – Oh, speak of the devil. - "We have to get going."

- "Y-Yoongi-Hyung! Yes, sure." - Jimin speed walks past him like there's a rocket in his ass.

 Yoongi lifts his eyebrows and looks at Taehyung in a silent question.

- "Oh, don't worry about him." - Taehyung answers, boxy smile in place. - "You'll find out soon enough."

- "Well, that doesn’t sound cryptic at all."

Taehyung pats him on the back and they walk together towards the others. He buzzes with positive energy, eyes Jimin trying to be unsuspicious while standing close to Yoongi, cheeks aflame.

Oh, this is going to be so good.

It isn't, it's actually really frustrating. Jimin is a coward and Yoongi is an oblivious idiot.

Taehyung thought he'd seen determination in his face the day Namjoon proposed to Seokjin but his damn insecurity must be strangling him and making him blind.

- "Honestly, is Yoongi-Hyung blind or something?" - Jungkook whispers in his ear a few weeks later, at dance practice.

- "My exact thoughts, Kookie." - Taehyung answers, taking the opportunity to lean close. - "But you know Yoongi-Hyung and all of his struggles, so really-"

- "Not as much as you do, no."

- "Excuse me?" - He says while watching Jimin take Yoongi's hand and explain a move that he can't seem to get right.

- "I don't know that much about Hyung as you, you seem to have talked a lot on your own."

- "Are you..." - Taehyung turns and Jungkook is pursing his lips. - "Jeon Jungkook, are you jealous?"

- "... Shut up, I'm not." - Jungkook hits him. - "I'm just saying-"

- "Yoongi-Hyung and I have a... Problem in common and we helped each other a lot in the past, you know?"

- "You've said that before." - Jungkook's big, round eyes pierce him. - "Is it because you are both in love with someone who doesn't love you back?"

- "This is not the place to talk about that, Kookie!" - He whispers-shouts. - "Plus, we both know that's not the case for Yoongi-Hyung anymore so..."

That sounded way too bitter. He's really happy for them, even if they are two clueless fools. But does it have to be Jungkook the one asking about this?

- "Not that he knows anything about it, God." - Jungkook deadpans. - "We should lock them in the closet until they kiss or something."

Taehyung actually considers it, he shares a look with Jungkook and they both giggle like they can read each other's thoughts.

- "You actually think it’s a good idea?"

- "Mmm... Maybe not locking them in a closet, but... What about-"

- "We could lock them in the dorm, fucking turn the power off so there's no distractions and hope for the best." - Comes Hoseok voice from their back.

- "Holy shit, why is everyone always trying to give me a heart attack?" - Taehyung clutches at his chest.

- "Aaaw! Hyung didn't see him coming in the mirror?" - Jungkook pats Taehyung's hand above his heart and laughs at him.

They all meet in Namjoon's studio (sans Yoongi and Jimin) and agree it's a good idea. Yes, to actually lock them in the dorm and turn off the power for a couple of hours. There's something about the dark and the late hours at night, Namjoon says, that makes you more honest. Seokjin hugs him from the back, fidgeting with the engagement ring in his finger like it's a habit of years.

- "That's pretty much how you confessed to me, remember?"

Namjoon kisses him and Jungkook pretends to vomit.

- "Please! I don't fancy seeing dad and dad being all gross right now." - Taehyung exclaims.

- "Shut up, brat. You wish you were as lucky as me." - Jin answers and, well, he hit the nail right in the head.

He lowers his head and feels Jungkook's body leaning against his.

- "Yeah... But back to the topic." - Taehyung ignores Seokjin's surprised face.

- "Isn't it a little bit too much?" - Hoseok moves on. - "I was kind of joking when I suggested it."

- "For those two idiots? Not at all, desperate times call for desperate measures. Yoongi-Hyung is too convinced he isn't good enough for Jimin, and Chim chim..." - Taehyung pauses. - "I'm not sure, but I feel like he knows about Hyung's feelings, somehow, he’s just not brave enough to take the first step."

- "You've done your homework, Tae. How did you found out about these things, exactly?" - Namjoon looks at him knowingly.

- "It doesn't matter. Are we gonna do this or not?"

- "Yeah, it's time. It's been time for a while."

So they do. Sundays sometimes mean resting. Thankfully this is one of those times and they take the chance to make plans that Saturday night, without telling either of them. Namjoon warns one of their managers that they are “pulling a prank on Jimin and Yoongi so, if they call because the power is off, please don’t help them” and he agrees with a laugh.

Hoseok takes the chance to meet with a friend and says he'll just stay the night at their place. Namjoon and Seokjin decide on a few “secret” activities that will take a good few hours. That leaves Taehyung and Jungkook wondering if the other is going out on his own or if they'll do it together. Finally Jungkook asks him if he wants to go for a walk and see where it takes them. Taehyung agrees eagerly and chokes on his own spit when Jungkook seals the deal with an "It's a date, then." and innocently walks away to get ready.

They steal Yoongi and Jimin's keys and leave without warning an hour later when they know Jimin is finishing taking a shower and Yoongi is cleaning his room. A few meters from their now locked door is the circuit breaker panel, Seokjin smirks as he cuts off the power and hears Yoongi curse loudly from inside the dorm.

They go their separate ways. Taehyung fidgets with his bracelets and tries not to eye Jungkook like he’s a piece of meat. He put a bit of effort in his outfit and he can tell Jungkook did too. Taehyung purposely wearing the black shirt Jungkook always compliments and those pants Jimin insists make his ass look amazing. Jungkook, on his part, wearing that goddamn white shirt that fits loosely on his body and some black ripped jeans that hug his thighs like they were custom made.

They walk silently, for the first time forgoing to wear masks and praying that they won’t be recognised too much. They reach a park and decide that they’ll cut through it in order to get to their favourite restaurant. There's not many stars in the sky, but really you can't expect much else when you live in Seoul of all places. Nevertheless it's a beautiful night, not too warm, not too cold. It's just right. Taehyung gets distracted by the gentle breeze making the leafs from the trees around them dance, tangling in his and Jungkook's hair. He can already taste the Chap Chae he’s going to order and he feels a smile growing on his face when the small restaurant comes in view.

Once there, the old lady that runs the place greets them with a smile a shows them to the private area around the corner. They sit in the booth farther away from everyone else and a young girl, blushing like there's no tomorrow, comes to take their orders right away.

- "Oh, you're the owners’ grand-daughter, right? I remember you." - Taehyung chatters away with her, completely unaware of Jungkook's eyes on them.

When she leaves though, he turns and Jungkook is pressing his tongue against the inside of his cheek like Taehyung's seen him do when he's pissed off about something.

- "What?"

- "She was flirting with you."

- "She's like sixteen or something, Kookie."

Jungkook raises an eyebrow.

- "So?"

- "So." - Taehyung parrots back at him. - "It's not like I'm gonna try to date a minor."

- "And if she wasn't?"

- "What the hell is going on with you lately?"

- "I don't know what you’re talking about, Hyung." - Jungkook looks away and shrugs.

- "Yeah, sure." - Taehyung wants to interrogate him badly, but then the girl comes back with their drinks and it somehow makes the atmosphere change.

There's a pause, Jungkook plays around with a paper napkin, breaking it to pieces and biting his lower lip.

- "Do you think" - He asks. - "that this will finally get Jimin and Yoongi together?"

- "I hope so... But, you know, I wonder sometimes." - Taehyung's gaze travels to Jungkook's hands, to the rests of the napkin, spread on the table in front of him. - "I'm worried that maybe it'll be too much for Jimin. Not being in a relationship with Yoongi-Hyung, but everything else that it entails."

- "What do you mean?"

- "Jin-Hyung and Namjoon-Hyung have been together for years, and they've been in love with each other for even longer." - Taehyung ponders. - "But for Jimin, I think he's just found out about his feelings very recently. Even if I'm pretty sure they've been there for a while."

- "And?" - Jungkook's got a new napkin in his hands, tearing it apart methodically, almost like he's not listening. Taehyung thinks this is less of an outlet for his nerves and more of an excuse to not look at him in the eye.

- "Well, have you seen how it is for our Hyungs? How it is for all of us?" - Taehyung shakes his head. - "Pretending we are all single. Answering questions about our ideal girl, singing about girls. Girls, girls, girls, when half of us wouldn't even think about them that way."

Jungkook grimaces.

- "Jimin is gay... Like me, by the way." - Taehyung adds, in the spirit of making Jungkook see why he was being ridiculous earlier.

- "Oh."

- "Yeah. So it's not like he's not used to it." - He carries on, satisfied with how red the other's cheeks have become. - "But, as far as he knows, his feelings for Hyung are very new, he wasn't even sure when he told me about them."

- "And he's always been one of the firsts in breaking down under pressure and making the wrong decisions." - Jungkook reasons, like he's thinking out loud.

Taehyung is assaulted by memories. Jimin refusing to eat, staring at his reflection while pressing his hands hard against his cheeks and stomach, pinching his thighs, collapsing on stage, fainting on dance practice. Worrying the shit out of everyone.

He closes his eyes tight, swallows.

- "Exactly." - He breathes. - "And now having to hide a relationship with Yoongi-Hyung, having to censor himself even more than usual, having to meassure every touch and every look for the sake of not being found out..." 

- "Yoongi-Hyung would do that for him."

- "Hyung would jump in front of a moving car if it meant that Jimin is alright."

Jungkook looks at him from under his bangs.

- "He's been in love for years, Kookie. Years." - Taehyung holds his breath and exhales slowly. - "Once, drunk out of his mind, he told me all of the reasons why he doesn't think he deserves him. I've seen him stay awake at crazy hours of the night, sitting outside the bathroom door and trying to coax Jimin out. I've seen him put food on Jimin's plate and making sure he eats it, smiling and praising him whenever he’s got the chance. He would do anything for him. And I'm just worried..."

- "Jimin-Hyung would never accept to be with him if he doesn't think he's up for the challenge."

- "I know."

Jungkook's gaze softens.

- "You worry too much." 

- "I know." - Taehyung repeats in a whisper, right when the waitress comes back with their orders.

They eat in silence for a while. Taehyung feeling a little better after voicing his concerns, Jungkook stealing glances every now and then.

- "How are you, Hyung?" - He asks out of nowhere, right when Taehyung is in the middle of chewing a huge mouthful of his Chap Chae.

Unable to answer verbally, he points at himself and makes a face in question.

- "It's just that you haven't been doing very well lately." - Jungkook clarifies. - "And here you are, worrying about them."

Taehyung takes his time, drinks a bit of soda while thinking. How is he, really? Well, he's not sure.

Given that Jungkook is single again, things should be back to normal, but are they?

He feels like they aren't. Maybe it's the fact that now he is aware he could lose Jungkook at any moment, or that he is not sure if the term "losing" should be used when Jungkook's never belonged to him to begin with. Maybe it's this stupid hope that whoever it is that Jungkook's in love with, is him. Or the horrifying possibility that it's not.

Maybe it’s the fact that he's very aware he hasn't gone back to normal ever since that dreaded day, that feels so long ago now.

Should he be seeing a therapist? Is this how's he's gonna be from now on? A little gloomy and tired, forever.

- "Hyung?"

Taehyung snaps out of it and realises he's been silent for too long. Jungkook is concerned, he can tell. One of his hands has travelled across the table near his and Taehyung takes it tentatively. His eyes zero in on their interlocked fingers, he sighs.

- "I don't know." - He admits. - "I think--I guess- I'm... Not doing better."

Jungkook tightens his grip on his hand.

- "Alright." - He whispers, searches for his gaze until Taehyung relents. - "That's okay, it's good that you're being honest about it."

Taehyung snorts.

- "You sound like Seokjin-Hyung in Eomma mode." - He smiles.

Jungkook smiles as well but it's brief, sad, and it fades slowly.

- "You know you can talk to me, right? I'll always be here for you."

Taehyung feels a pang on his chest, he blinks fast against the urge to cry.

- "Always?" - He hears himself asking.

- "Always." - Jungkook affirms. - "I'm not going anywhere without you by my side, Hyung." - He smiles, bright this time, full of fondness and light. - "Remember?"

And, God, alright. That's a lot. That's too much.

Taehyung bites on his lip hard, nods his head and in a blink Jungkook is there, sitting on his side of the booth and hugging him.

- "Thank you." - Taehyung manages to say. - "Thank you so much."

They go back to the dorm hours later to find Seokjin and Namjoon stifling laughs in front of the door that belongs to Yoongi and Seokjin’s room.

To their pleasant surprise, Yoongi and Jimin are lying in bed together, practically swallowed by the blankets. Jimin with his face buried in Yoongi's neck and his hair a mess. Yoongi's arms hold him close and a small smile at the corner of his lips makes him look more relaxed than ever in his life. They both seem so at peace, it would be a shame to wake them up.

- "I think I'm sleeping with you tonight." - Seokjin whispers near Namjoon's ear.

- "I'm definitely not complaining." - The other answers just as softly.

- "Oh no, dad and dad are gonna do the dirty. Kookie-"

- "You're always welcome in my bed, Hyung." - Jungkook interrupts and it doesn't sound sexual, nope, not at all.

Either way, Taehyung wishes he could hear that every night for the rest of his life.

The next morning, the first thing Taehyung sees when he wakes up is Jungkook's face, a hair away from his. He holds his breath, afraid of waking him up. Jungkook must have rolled around during the night, as Taehyung vividly remembers falling asleep being the big spoon, his chest to Jungkook's back.

Jungkook tends to forget to close the blinds, given that he sleeps so deeply not even the sun on his eyes could wake him up. Taehyung is equal parts thankful and mad about it, really it shouldn't be allowed to look this beautiful first thing in the morning. The light falls gently over Jungkook's face, turning his tanned skin into gold and painting shadows under his eyes in the shape of his long eyelashes. It shines the brightest on his cupid's bow, making his parted lips so tantalising Taehyung has to look away in order to get his imagination under control.

How easy would it be? He wonders. To just... Close this small gap between them and find out how it feels to kiss Jungkook.

He swallows, licks his own lips unconsciously, would Jungkook's be soft or chapped? Would they taste as sweet as his voice sounds? Where else could Taehyung kiss him? He's been dying to know how it would be to have Jungkook's body over him, to know if kissing over his pulse point would make him shudder and lose control, pressing his hips down and-

Shit, he needs to stop thinking about these things right this second or else there'll be something much worse to worry about, other than Jungkook's proximity.

He chances a look again and regrets it immediately. Jungkook's eyes are open and he's staring back, still half asleep and groggy.

Taehyung's heart skips a beat.

- "Is this a dream?" - Jungkook whispers with his voice rough from disuse.

Taehyung shakes his head and their noses brush.

- "Oh..." - Jungkook blinks. - "Hyung, you are really pretty."

Right, no. No, no, no. Abort mission, abort mission! Taehyung's cheeks are so red, he's afraid all the blood has flown to his face, leaving nothing else in the rest of his body.

- "Kookie." - He chokes out. - "Go back to sleep, it's still early."

Jungkook frowns, but his eyes are already closing again.

- "But, Hyung." - Jungkook mumbles. - "I should take a picture."

- "... Why?"

- "So I don't forget." - Is the last thing Jungkook says and then he's back to his peaceful sleep while Taehyung is left with an internal crisis.

He needs to get out, now.

It takes a bit of a careful arranging of limbs, Jungkook's the one clinging to him for once, but finally Taehyung's free and he escapes as fast and soundlessly as possible.

He pauses out the door and turns to steal a last look. Jungkook is ethereal, the sun has moved over his whole body now, warm over his sleeping form and giving him a halo. Taehyung is sure, now more than ever, that he'll never be able to get over him.

Turning around seems physically impossible, but he manages and somehow finds himself in the kitchen without any recollection of how he got there.

Seokjin is up early, as usual, standing by the stove and cooking something that smells delicious, engagement ring sparkling every time he moves. He greets him with a smile and offers him coffee which Taehyung accepts gratefully.

Namjoon, sitting by the table, is resting his forehead against the hard wood and Taehyung is sure he can hear him snoring lightly. He chuckles while Seokjin shakes him carefully and kisses him on the cheek. Their leader rising his head with his eyes still closed and barely missing while trying to take a hold of the coffee mug Seokjin places in front of him.

They look terribly domestic, Taehyung thinks, in that way that married couples do after living together for years. And well, that's basically the case for them, even if they've had to share the place with five other boys.

They have this way of moving around each other, like they've learned how to successfully share spaces in their own brand of clumsy synchronisation without bringing chaos to their surroundings. It's a conversation, he notices, one that Seokjin and Namjoon take part of in a language that nobody else understands. Touches, sighs, small gestures and looks that only they know the meaning of.

He's a bit jealous, to be honest. If he ever gets to have even half of what they do, he'll consider himself lucky. One of your best friends being your boyfriend, your fiance, that's too good to be true for him.

And, speaking of domestic, is right when Namjoon finally manages to open his eyes that Jimin walks into the kitchen wearing - Oh how Taehyung wishes he didn't forget his cell phone in Jungkook's bedroom, someone should record this - one of Yoongi's old t-shirts and practically drowning in it in the most adorable way possible.

- "G'Morning." - He slurs.

- "Yes, a very good one, I see." - Seokjin teases.

Jimin's cheeks turn bright red and he looks down at himself as if he’s just realised what he's wearing.

- "Uhh" - He utters, trying to pull the ends of the t-shirt down to cover his naked legs.

- "Would you like to take a couple of cups of coffee with you?" - Seokjin says next, and smiles at him. - "Maybe some cereal as well, breakfast in bed is so romantic."

- "Hyung." - Jimin whines covering his face with his tiny hands.

Taehyung and Namjoon lose it simultaneously and coo at him.

- "Here." - Seokjin says fondly, preparing a tray with coffee and cereal, and handing it to him.

- "Thank you, Hyung." - Jimin says, and he's about to turn around when he seems to remember something. - "Last night," - He looks down at the twin coffee mugs in front of him. - "You all planned that, didn't you?"

- "Yeah," - Taehyung answers, smiling big at his best friend. - "sorry. We just felt like you needed a little push in the right direction, you know?"

Jimin purses his lips and nods.  

- "Thank you." - He whispers, and smiles playfully. - "But I'll kick your ass if you do it again."

- "Try and reach it, you hobbit."

Usually that kind of comment would send Jimin into a hissy fit, today though he just smiles wider, his eyes turning into crescents and - wow - he's glowing.

- "I'd like to hear you say that to Yoongi-Hyung, later." - He retorts, turning around and disappearing down the hallway, perky butt wrapped in red boxers, peeking from underneath the over-sized t-shirt.

- "I'm gonna slap that ass later." - Seokjin comments.

- "That was the most adorable thing I've seen in my life." - Namjoon says. - "Is it strange that I'm proud of them, like in a disturbing, paternal way?"

- "Nah, I feel the same."

- "Really." - Taehyung says. - "When are you going to stop denying it? You're practically our parents at this point."

Seokjin whines.

- "Don't. That makes me feel like an old man."

- "My old man." - Namjoon adds, like he's thinking out loud.

- "That's it! You're gross and I can't take it." - Taehyung exclaims, rising from his sit and taking his coffee with him. - "I'm out of here."

But, to be honest, he's really happy right now. Things are falling into place for his brothers, and he couldn't ask for much more than seeing them grow and glow, like Jimin did a moment ago. And, yes, maybe Taehyung is the only one that's still a little gloomy, but he feels like it's okay. It's going to be okay.

Right this moment, everything is alright in the world.

Chaos, chaos everywhere in the world. What were their managers thinking when they decided to tell them last minute to get ready to fly to North America? Taehyung is sure he's forgotten to pack half his things. But there's no time, no time, no time.

- "Hyung, come on!!" - He shouts outside the bathroom door. - "I really need to shower!"

- "Give me a minute, damn it!" - Yoongi shouts from the inside.

- "Fucking--Fine! I'll go check if the other bathroom is finally empty."

He rushes down the stairs and when he runs by his bedroom he gets a glimpse of Namjoon sitting in a pile of his clothes, frantically smashing everything inside his bags while Seokjin screams from his own bedroom that they need to be ready right now.

- "Kookie!!" - He screams, when he sees their maknae about to enter the bathroom that Hoseok just freed.

At the end of the hallway, Jungkook turns, and upon seeing his desperation, he simply nods.

- "Let's shower together. Seokjin-Hyung is going to kill us if we don't hurry."

Taehyung agrees loudly, clinging to the door frame with one hand to help his body turn, letting himself be carried inside the bathroom by his own momentum. It's been a while since they haven't been forced to share, but this is absolutely necessary and so they both undress as fast as humanly possible, without sparing a second glance at each other’s naked bodies.

The second they step inside the shower Taehyung is already pouring shampoo on his hand and Jungkook is reaching for the soap and they both briefly put themselves under the water at the same time.

It's when Taehyung is applying conditioner to his slightly long hair and Jungkook is starting with the shampoo that Seokjin's voice calls out to them from the other side of the door.

- "Guys?"

- "We'll be out in a second, Hyung!" - Taehyung shouts with his eyes closed.

- "No, actually, you can kind of take your time."

- "What?" - Comes Jungkook's voice by Taehyung's side, and they both pause.

- "Namjoon just got a call." - Seokjin announces. - "You know that storm outside? Yeah, it got worse and they say it's probably gonna be like that until noon. All the flights are delayed."

- "Oh."

- "We've got like 4 hours, but you better get out soon so you can check your luggage, I don't want anyone whining about having forgotten their cell phone charger or something like that."

- "Okay, Hyung." - They both answer in unison.

Seokjin's steps (and shouts) fade down the hallway and then the only thing left is the sound of the shower still running over Taehyung's body.

By his side, Jungkook is in complete silence and, even with his eyes closed, Taehyung can feel his stare on his skin.

- "Uh..." - He mutters, rising his head to rinse the conditioner that's fallen on his face.

- "This brings back memories." - Jungkook says and when Taehyung's finally got his vision back, he's looking at the shampoo still on his hand, halfway up to his head.

- "Yeah." - Taehyung answers. - "Although... The Kookie I remember was smaller than me and had a quarter of your muscles."

Taehyung doesn't know if it's on purpose, but Jungkook smiles and looks down at his own body self consciously, flexing a bit so the muscles on his chest and tummy become more prominent. He inspects his own abs like he's suddenly aware of how much his physique has changed. It's endearing and probably innocent, but damn if it's not hot as all hell. Is he not aware of the kind of effect he has on other people or is he actually trying to drive Taehyung crazy?

Wet hair falling over his eyes, little droplets cascading down his skin, a small blush on his cheeks and red, tantalising lips. God. Jungkook's thighs have gotten so muscular he's always half afraid his jeans are going to rip open whenever he crouches. And let's not even start with that little cute butt of his because- No, nope. Definitely not the best idea to think about these things when he's completely naked in front of Jungkook.

He realises way too late, that his gaze has wandered down Jungkook's body and that there's no way he can hide his desire. Jungkook's got his eyes on him, searching for something in his dilated pupils like he's trying to read his thoughts, and there's a pregnant silence between them that Taehyung is not sure how to break.

He has half a mind to turn around, well aware that he's on his way to getting hard, and searching for the most disturbing image his mind can conjure to get rid of his problem as fast as possible.

- "Hyung." - Jungkook whispers, with a quality to his voice that's deep and dangerous.

Taehyung swallows, closes his eyes tight and prays that his body won't involuntarily react to his friend's voice.

- "Hhm?" 

There's no immediate answer, just the feeling of Jungkook's presence close to him, sharing the water spray as he probably rinses his hair. Taehyung forces himself not to flinch at the feeling of wet skin softly rubbing against his, tries not think about the fact that Jungkook could have asked him to move aside so they are not forced so close to each other in the cramped space, but he didn’t. He takes a step back as casually as possible in order to take the soap in his shaky hands and tries with all his might not to drop it because that would be too much right now.

- "Let me help you with your back." - Jungkook says and takes the soap from his hands without giving him time to answer.

Taehyung is so bewildered and shocked that he just nods his head and turns around, trying and failing to forget how determination is written all over Jungkook's body, from the way he was suddenly carrying himself to the tongue that slides out from between his lips to lick at the drops of water adorning them.

He feels smooth, soapy hands caressing the skin of his back. First travelling over his shoulders and then slowly running down his spine and sides.

Jungkook is thorough, as if he would be deliberately taking his time. The air is warm, there's steam all around them. Taehyung feels like he just stepped into some kind of dimension where time is slowing down and people have stopped moving, and they are the only ones left, free to do whatever they want in the intimacy of this small foggy room.

His skin is ten times more sensitive and there's goosebumps wherever Jungkook has touched it. Taehyung holds his breath, Jungkook's fingers sneak around him from both sides, tips caressing his hipbones and the area under his belly button, and there's electricity running through his veins. His body temperature rises in waves and a moan gets stuck half way up his throat.

Jungkook applies pressure, silently guides him backwards until he feels water running down his back.

He instinctively turns around, the air trapped in his lungs forced out of him when Jungkook is a mere step away, biting his lips, hands still holding onto him and travelling up to his waist, eyes half lidded and black.

There's absolutely no doubt now that Jungkook at the very least desires him. Taehyung is convinced that this must be a dream, a beautiful, high quality dream where his mind has managed to conjure how the water would take a tour down his tanned skin in perfect detail.

Taehyung tentatively rises his arms, rests his palms on the other's shoulders and pulls so Jungkook steps out of the warm spray. But his mind short circuits and, instead of taking a step back with him, he allows their bodies to meet.

His heart beats frantically inside his chest, his fingers find the back of Jungkook's head and tangle in his hair.

He feels like one of them should say something, anything. Because no matter how much he loves and longs for him, they've been like brothers for so long that there should be some kind of conversation happening before they completely, absolutely, irrevocably change that relationship forever.

Years of silence seem to go by, Taehyung gets lost in the feeling of Jungkook's chest rising and falling against his, bites his lower lip hard to stop the urge of kissing the droplets out of his eyelids, the blush on his cheeks, slowly kiss down his face until he reaches his lips.

Jungkook looks at him like he's equal parts terrified and turned on. Like his libido is a heartbeat away from taking over, eyes fixed on Taehyung's mouth. He parts his lips, maybe about to say something, maybe about to lick them again, Taehyung will never know.

Because the minute he does, there's Seokjin's voice again, shouting from outside the door and making them both jump.

- "What did I fucking say about getting out fast, you couple of brats?!"

Jungkook's eyes are comically wide and he's got a hand over his heart.

- "Jesus." - He whispers.

- "I'm- We are sorry, Hyung." - Taehyung shouts, but his voice is raspy and low, and he needs to clear his troath. - "We'll be out soon."

- "2 minutes, or I'll walk in and get you out myself!"

- "Y-Yeah." - Jungkook practically whines.

Their eyes meet while they are both still coming down from their fright and the atmosphere has changed. The clock accelerates again until it's running at its normal speed, people outside are probably moving again.  They are both still standing close but Taehyung fixes that by stepping away.

- "I should... Uh... Get out now." - He says awkwardly. – "I-Just... Yeah."

He feels the adrenaline still, his hands never stopped shaking and he takes his towel clumsily. Part of him wants Jungkook to stop him, to talk and figure out what the hell just happened, the other part wants to get out as fast as possible. He opens the door and the cold air hits him, sobering him up and making him pause, but Jungkook's voice doesn’t come and he decides that that in itself should be enough to get him going.

He steps out, closes the bathroom door, doesn't hear Jungkook whispering his name as he all but runs to his bedroom.

Taehyung spends the whole plane ride trying to figure out if he should feel happy or guilty. So, Jungkook is younger, more lust ridden than him. He is also what Yoongi once defined as "bi-curious", but never had the chance to even kiss a man as far as Taehyung knows. So maybe he felt an urge, a sudden need to experiment with him? Maybe he found himself naked in front of another man for the first time since he started wondering about his sexuality and he just... But then, what does that mean for Taehyung himself? Should he feel flattered that Jungkook chose him to try something new or- Would it have been the same if it was Hoseok or anyone else in the shower instead of him?

God, he doesn't know. His head is pretty much a mess and some part of him is sure that he should feel guilty for being about to take advantage of what was (probably) just Jungkook being curious.

He's lost in his thoughts for so long that when they are finally standing in the hotel lobby and Namjoon is asking him something, he has absolutely no idea of what he's just been said. He frowns for a second but Namjoon must assume he's just pondering about whatever the hell he asked because he doesn't repeat himself. Taehyung is mildly embarrassed (he's been out of it too much lately and the other members have pointed it out too many times already, snapping their fingers in front of his face and complaining about him being rude) so he just decides to nod his head and go along with who-knows-what he's just agreed to do.

Five minutes later he regrets it greatly. Apparently there are four rooms for them, three shared and a single, and Hoseok's been meaning to work on his mix tape until late at night which would probably bother anybody sleeping in the same room as him.

Now, when it comes to their dorm, the day they moved in they chose roommates randomly and kept it that way for the sake of not rising any more suspicions within their fandom, specially because their managers informed them that "Namjin" seems to be one of those ships that most of their fans just think is a given. Taehyung is confident, though, that that is about to change pretty soon, what with Seokjin and Namjoon being recently engaged and Jimin starting a new relationship with Yoongi.

But whenever they've had the chance to room with somebody else in the past, being in a hotel overseas or pretty much anywhere outside their own home, Namjoon sticks to Seokjin's side like there's no room for questions and Taehyung did notice Yoongi doing pretty much the same thing with Jimin no more than 10 minutes ago.

So logically, as fate would have it, right now he's standing behind Jungkook, nervously biting his nails and bouncing his leg while he waits for him to open the door to the hotel room they'll have to share for two whole weeks.

At least Jungkook's got the decency to look as jittery as he feels, and then they both teeter on the side of hysterical when they walk in and-

- "Oh, you've got to be kidding me." - Taehyung says mostly to himself, unconcerned of Jungkook hearing him as he's just muttered a soft 'Oh God' under his breath and seems to be too lost having an internal crisis to pay any attention to him.

Of all the times they've had to share a bed, this is the least opportune of them. Taehyung is convinced this is God hating him. He can almost picture Jimin having the time of his life right now. But, Him? He just wants to fall in a hole and be buried alive.

Jungkook is the first of them to snap out of it and start moving. He sighs, walks farther into the room and leaves his luggage beside the bathroom's door. Taehyung has half a mind to take the chance of Jungkook not looking at him to run a hand through his hair, breathe in and pull himself together. Only then does he dare to close the door and leave his own things next to the sofa near the window. 

But then Jungkook is turning around to look at him with something akin to determination in his eyes and Taehyung feels his heartbeat accelerate like he's been running a mile.

- "Can we talk?" - Jungkook asks.

And okay, talk. He can talk, sure, yes, absolutely, of course, talking is not a problem. Taehyung's been talking since he was a baby, unstoppably according to his mother, annoyingly according to some of his school classmates, nonsensically according to the other members (but that one was always said with a fond smile on their faces). So, yes. Talk. Talking, communicating, debating, he can do that, 100%, like the adult he is, like- like...

- "Yeah."

No, no, no! He doesn't want to talk, he can't talk with Jungkook, he's going to explode, he's going to die, he's going to admit to things that are going to ruin everything, he's going to lose Jungkook forever, he's freaking out and he needs to sit down right now.

So he does just that, sits his ass on the bed and tries to control his breathing and waits for Jungkook to start this talking he wants to do.

The air around them is thick and asphyxiating, Taehyung doesn't dare to look up or make the first move. He notices, thanks to the overwhelming silence, that there's a storm outside in here too, the smell of rain dancing in through the window.

- "I wanted to apologize." - Jungkook finally says.

Taehyung is so taken aback he almost gives himself whiplash while rising his head. Jungkook stands in front of said window, gaze lost in the distorted image of the buildings at the other side of the glass. The cold lights of the city illuminate his front while the warm light of the bedroom embraces his back and Taehyung thinks, right this second Jungkook looks like he’s stuck in between two worlds. 

- "Why?" - He whispers, barely able to find his voice.

- "I... Fucked up." - Jungkook presses his index and thumb against his eyes. - "I've been unfair to you, Hyung."

- "You? Unfair?"

- "Yeah..." - Jungkook wanders around until he's sitting next to him and biting his lips nervously. - "I almost take advantage of you."

- "What?!" - Well, his voice is definitely back and it's higher than ever.

This must be some kind of twilight zone, some kind of alternative universe where nothing makes sense and things are upside down.

Jungkook seems to be having a moment where he's not sure if he should feel guilty or ashamed, or if he should punch himself in the face. Taehyung is past the point of comprehending anything.

- "I know you're heartbroken." - Jungkook mumbles. - "I know you're feeling down and probably lonely and, instead of being supportive, I put my feelings first and I almost-"

- "Feelings?"

Jungkook looks at him like he's tired of him parroting back constantly and simultaneously understanding, and he lets himself fall backwards on the bed while sighing. Taehyung follows his movements with his eyes, a hope so fervent growing in his chest he might faint.

- "Fuck, I..." - Jungkook covers his face with his hands and his voice sounds choked and muffled when he confesses. - "I'm so in love with you, Hyung. But you- You're in love with someone else and-"

- "Oh... Oh dear God." - Taehyung falls backwards as well, turns on his side and presses his face against his friend’s shoulder. - "Jungkook. Jungkook."

He curls in on himself, there's a moment where he thinks he's going to implode, his muscles tense and his arms finding their way around Jungkook's middle, hands tightening into fists on the other's t-shirt.

- "I'm so sorry."

- "No, Jungkook. Don't." - The tension in his body seems to break, comes in a wave that surges through him, runs all the way up his body until it comes out of his mouth and it's a sob. A hard, choked up sound that feels like it's the last of his pain going away, the cage he didn't realised he was in, falling apart around him and he's suddenly so, so happy.

He's warm, he’s light, he's crying and he's loved back.

- "Hyung?" - Jungkook sounds alarmed, confused in the face of Taehyung's outburst and turning to hug him.

- "I love you. I love you. I love you. Jungkook, I love you so much."

- "Y-You do?"

- "Tell me." - He cries. - "Tell me again. Please, I've been in love with you for so long. I felt so guilty about what happened in the shower, I thought I was the one who almost takes advantage of you. I thought I could never have you, that I didn't deserve you, I thought you were going to walk away of my life with someone else, I was so ready to let you be happy without m-"

- "I love you, Taehyung." - Jungkook says and the arms around him tighten until he's pressed to Jungkook's chest, engulfed on his warmth and soft perfume. He feels how irregularly Jungkook is breathing and how fast his heart is beating and he finally understands that all of this time he wasn't the only one suffering. - "I wouldn't--"

Jungkook chokes on his own words, and for a second he takes a deep breath and stills. Taehyung hides his tears against his t-shirt, holds on for dear life, there's a pause where Jungkook holds his breath, the sound of the rain muffling Taehyung's sobs. Time slows down again, nothing else exists except for them both, then Jungkook’s whole body deflates as he brokenly sighs out, he buries his face on Taehyung's hair.

- "I can't even imagine a life without you." - Comes Jungkook's voice, sweet, full of emotion. - "I don't- Even thinking about it makes my chest hurt. Hyung... Taehyung, look at me."

His hands find Taehyung's face and he actually resists for a second, shaking his head, terrified of how simple it suddenly seems. Talking, years of pain that could have been avoided with just this. Even if he is aware that life isn't always so complicated, that sometimes he himself is too over dramatic, dense and even closed up, making a mess of things that could have been painless. But this, this is all a dream.

It's too good, it's too perfect, it can't be true.

- "It's real." - Jungkook answers, making him realise that he just voiced his thoughts out loud.

Their eyes meet, Jungkook runs his thumb over a tear track on Taehyung's cheek.

- "I love you. I've been in love with you since I was a kid." - Jungkook whispers. - "I just didn't know what it was. I was confused and afraid. I'm so sorry, I..." - Something seems to click for him then, like suddenly he can see the full picture and he looks equal parts shocked and horrified. - "Oh God, you... Soo-Jin."

- "It's okay, Kookie. It's okay." - Taehyung rushes to comfort him.

- "It was me that made you so sad."

- "You didn't know."

- "That night you had a panic attack--"

- "Kookie, no."

- "I can't believe I hurt you so bad."

- "Jungkook, stop it."

- "That's what you meant. You had to sit through me having a girlfriend, you thought-- I could never do that, I could never cope with you being with someone else. I made you feel miserable for so lo--"

Taehyung's imagination could never do Jungkook's lips justice. They are soft and warm, and ultimately feel like home, like everything that's right in the world. Taehyung ponders that maybe this is not how he wanted this to happen, what with him still mildly choked up from crying. The taste of salt from his tears lingering on his tongue when he opens his mouth and deepens the kiss. He might float out of existence with how unbelievably elated he is, but Jungkook promptly shuts up and kisses back, grounding him to this world with the tightness of his strong arms around him.

The clock is ticking, there's no dramatic music in the background, only the storm outside, the rolling of thunder the new favourite sound track for his life. He smiles, Jungkook pecks his bottom lip and looks at him like he is the most precious thing he's ever had.

It's real, this warmth, this happiness is real.

- "It's in the past now." - Taehyung whispers. - "All of the pain is in the past now. I love you and-- Y-You love me back."

Jesus, he could swear he's never been this emotional in his entire life. These past months might have turned him in the biggest softy of them all.

- "Yes, okay. Alright." - Jungkook says, turning to crush Taehyung under his wheight, pressing their foreheads together. - "You're right. I love you, I love you so much. I won't ever make you go through something like that again. We're together now."

Taehyung inhales at that.

- "We are together now." - He repeats, allows it to sink in. - "You are my boyfriend now."

He giggles, actually giggles while crying. Boxy smile in full display.

- "Yes."

- "We'll be together forever."

- "That's the plan, yeah."

- "I'm so happy. I can't believe this is actually happening."

- "Funny, I thought you would know by now. I told you before... Actually, you are the one who told me first."

- "Hmm?"

Jungkook smiles back at him, so big that those beautiful dimples make an appearance and his eyes turn into crescents, filled with mirth.

- "I'm not going anywhere without you by my side."

-

It's that very same night that Taehyung realises that his life is never going to be the same again.

What started as a thought, a passing "Ah, he's so cute" turned into a full on crush, then into love. Then that night, after Taehyung had spent years pining, hoping, silently offering his all without getting what he wanted back, pushing a little until all the lines blurred, Jungkook confessed his feelings for him, voluntarily, on his own.

And maybe it's because the universe had finally complied, maybe it's because Jungkook leaned his head on his shoulder and breathed a sleepy "Thank you for loving me, Hyung" against his neck that sent shivers down his back. Maybe it's because it had to be him all along. But Taehyung found his heart beating faster, found heat rising to his face, found his arms tightening around Jungkook's huge frame, found his stomach filled with something that had never been there before, because this time it was beautiful.

From that day on he allows himself to get lost in the stars in Jungkook's eyes. He cradles Jungkook's hands in his whenever he wants and marvels at how soft they are. He goes to sleep every night with his boyfriend's velvety voice as a lullaby. Jungkook is gentle, kind, painfully shy, innocent, talented, humble, he is his angel.

From that day on, Taehyung realises he's in love and he's loved back.

And he doesn't have to be afraid anymore.