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“Jean.” I whispered, shaking the body on the bunk beside my own. “Jean…”
There was a muffled response and I felt my lips curl into a smile.
“Jean, wake up.”
My sandy blond haired friend groaned and opened one of his eyes, squinting at me. “Marco? What time is it?”
“I want to show you something!” I avoided his question and kept my voice soft as not to wake up anyone else.
“Mmmn… cant this wait until tomorrow? I’m tired…” He was about to go back to sleep when I shook his shoulder again.
“Aw, come on, it’s only for tonight. I don’t want you to miss it.” I begged. I continued to shake him and begged him to wake up until he finally sat up begrudgingly and threatened that if it wasn’t as great as I make it up to be then he was going to kick my butt tomorrow in hand-to-hand combat practice. Not that he actually can but I didn’t want to tell him that right now.
“What is it anyway? Cant you just show me whatever it is, tomorrow when I’m fully functional?” He whined as I pulled him up and helped him with his shoes.
“You wont regret it, I promise!” I whispered excitedly. I was rewarded with a groan. He rubbed his eye with the heel of his palm and yawned, running said hand through his mused up hair, which made it messier than it previously was when he was still sleeping.
So cute. I thought, butterflies fluttering in my stomach.
“Okay.” I said after pulling him off the bed. “Come on, it’s not that far from here.”
“We’re going outside??” He asked incredulously. I couldn’t help but chuckle as I lead him outside and to the forest beside the barracks. The summer breeze hit our faces but it wasn’t enough to chill us, so we kept going.
“Are we sneaking out?” He sounded awake now and I couldn’t help the grin that spread on my face. “Oh ho, is the honor student finally admitting his rebellious ways?” He teased. “Do you do this all the time? How come you never told me?” He jogged up beside me and I can tell that he was wide awake by now.
I laughed and turned to him. “I can neither confirm nor deny that I’ve been coming out here every now and then, but I am in no way rebelling.” I explained to him, my cheeks coloring slightly. I was hoping he wouldn’t ask why so I wouldn’t have to tell him that there are nights when I couldn’t sleep so I go out on a midnight stroll, this was kind of one of them.
Thankfully, Jean just gave me a teasing glance and hummed, amused.
“If you say so, freckles.”
It didn’t take long and we were nearing the place I wanted to show Jean. I stopped in my tracks in the middle of two tall willow trees; their branches creating a makeshift curtain blinds. I turned to look back at Jean. He tilted his head a little and looked at me curiously.
“We’re here now.” I announced. Jean still looked confused.
“Where is here?” he asked me, raising a brow.
I chuckled and brought my arm up to push away the willow branches, revealing what was on the other side.
I watched as Jean’s eyes widened and he let out a soft gasp.
It was a meadow, littered with small patches of flowers. The trees surrounding it created a dome-like effect while the moon’s soft rays peeking through the leaves and branches made the place look ethereal. It was absolutely breath-taking.
But it wasn’t just the meadow that made the place so beautiful; it was the tiny yellow lights that danced around, hopping from one flower to another.
Sensing that Jean probably wouldn’t be moving too soon, I took the initiative to lead him inside. I held out a hand and he took it. I felt the warmth from his soft but slightly calloused hand against mine. My heart jumped.
He glanced around and watched the tiny lights float about gracefully.
“Marco, this is… They’re so pretty! What are they??” he asked as I lead him to sit down beside me under one of the tall trees. I can hear the awe and wonder in his voice, as much as I see it in his face. It was endearing, incredibly so and I wished I can make him happy like this all the time. But then… that would mean that other people will see how charming he is and I don’t think I want that. Not yet anyway, I want to treasure whatever it is I learn about him. I want him to smile for me and… and only me.
Only I get to see this side of you.
It’s selfish, yeah, I know… but I’ve fallen deep and hard already. There’s really no point in denying it anymore.
“If I remember correctly they’re called Fireflies” I started. “They only appear in the summer. I remember playing back in my hometown, catching them and putting them in a jar.”
Jean chuckled. It was soft.
“They’re beautiful. Thanks for taking me here, you have no idea how much I needed this.”
Oh, I know you needed it. I thought to myself. I knew he had been working extra hard during training this week; I just wanted him to loosen up and relax a little. It was worth it with the way he thanked me. It made his face soften. He crossed his legs and leaned back on the tree we were sitting under.
“No problem.” I breathed.
He went back to looking at the fire bugs. He looks so entranced by them, his sharp but bright tawny eyes were filled with wonder. He was still smiling and the light coming from the moon and the soft glow from the fireflies blended perfectly on his pale skin, creating shadows that accentuated his angular face. Every time he blinked, I noticed how long his lashes are and in the brief moment that he closed his eyes and sighed; tilting his head up to the night sky, I saw the soft shadows his lashes casted on his cheek bones.
He’s so beautiful.
I couldn’t help but wonder whether I was the only one who noticed him like this. Was there anyone else in the corps who sees Jean the way I do? Someone else who saw how he really is when he’s not shutting himself away from everyone with snarky comments and the general cocky attitude? …. I like to think I was the only one.
I like to think that I’m the only one who knows that he’s not really what he presents himself to be.
I like to think that I’m the only one who notices the difference between when he’s actually happy and when he’s just pretending.
…that I’m the only one who realized that he’s actually a bit insecure and sensitive.
…the only one who sees that he cares about the people around him, even if some of them don’t like him very much.
These little things… precious little things, made me fall in love with him even more.
If I could… If I could just reach over. I thought, raising my hand-- about to brush my knuckles against his smooth cheek. But I stopped myself. No, I cant. I don’t want to risk it. I didn’t want to ruin the moment with an awkward cheek brush. He’d probably think I’m weird.
Jean sighed again and turned to look at me. He was smiling again and under the faint moonlight I noticed a soft tint of pink on his cheeks.
“Let’s make this our secret spot!” he said to me. His voice, although a bit deep and coarse, it sounded sweet. “Even if there are no fireflies, let’s go here. It’ll be our sanctuary.” He said getting excited the more he talked but I couldn’t hear him properly. I felt myself being drawn in by his voice. I was entranced. I… I wanted… I wanted to—
“Marco?” He interrupted my thoughts and I noticed how his smile was starting to disappear, slowly being replaced with worry—his eyebrows knitting together.
I blinked and jumped slightly, snapping back into reality.
“Huh? No! I mean, Yes! I mean what? … Sorry I-I…” I stuttered and felt my cheeks heat up. He caught me staring at him! Did I upset him? Oh goodness, I really hope not!
“You don’t like the idea?” He asked me. It was then I realized I had no idea what he said just now.
“Uh….what was it again?” I chuckled sheepishly.
He narrowed his eyes and glared pointedly at me. “Weren’t you listening? I asked if you wanted this to be our secret spot.”
There was a slight pout in his voice and it took every ounce of my will power not to peck his lips lightly.
“Oh!” I cried. “Of course, I would love to!” I grinned.
I watched as his face relaxed again and his lips curled back into a smile.
“Awesome!” he chirped. “This place is going to be just for us! No one else will be able to find it! Don’t tell anyone about it either okay??” He looked at me and pointed his index finger right at my nose.
I felt my eyes cross and he pulled it back. I couldn’t help but laugh.
“Yeah, yeah. I wont tell anyone.”
“Good! I’ll hold you to that, okay?”
He looked so happy. It made me want to tell him. I want to tell him that I would do anything for him, anything to make him happy, to protect and treasure him. That I’m in love with him.
But I held back. Not now…. Not tonight.
I shook my head and nodded at him, confirming my promise and at the same time, I made a promise to myself.
When we graduate… on the night that we come back here. I will tell you. I will tell you that I love you, Jean Kirschtein.