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Clary made it a point within her own mind, not to think to hard on what was going on in her life right now. Frankly, she recognized the fact that she only had the emotional capacity for so much and knew she couldn’t really afford a breakdown at this very moment. After all her mother was still missing, or at least she had been. Now she had her body, but Jocelyn Freychild was alseep. And not apparently ready to wake up any time soon. So, yeah, not thinking about anything was really working for her right now.
Accept apparently not, because she and Jace had kissed not even like 4 hours ago and she can’t stop thinking about it. Not because she suddenly wants a repeat performance but because according to just about everyone, they are now siblings. Jace had made it very clear that he accepted this new change - and now Clary was thinking about it. A queasy feeling was starting to creep in her veins the longer she thought of it. Looking around the institute she noticed that no one was looking at her. Thank God , she thought, and quickly turned on her heel and left the building. By the time she came back to herself, she was standing in front of Hotel DuMort with a hand poised to knock.
Clary didn’t move, for the past two weeks Clary had tried to respected Simon’s need for space. The night she had turned him, and in her mind it was always her who took this blame no one else no matter what Jace or Izzy said, she had been in the middle of a breakdown she couldn’t really afford. Losing Simon was simply too much after also losing her mother, and nearly losing Luke. (Luke, who Clary’s not even sure she can trust anymore.) Simon had run away that night and she had then proceed to blow up his phone in panic.
Simon had finally responded after a whole day with a simple I’m okay. Two hours later after she had then proceeded to blow up his phone a second time, he responded with a Please stop. I just can’t right now. Please just give me some space. It had felt like like a bucket of ice had been dumped over her head, stopping everything from functioning. The knowledge that she had done this to Simon, that she had pushed him so far that he didn’t even want to see her - an action that had never happened in their whole lives no matter how bad their fights had gotten. She decided there was only one thing she could do, respect his decision.
Okay, I’m so sorry . Was all she had replied to his own text. And she had left him alone, for three whole days. Honestly a record for her. But even with Luke’s careful talks and looks she found herself gipping her phone tighter, glancing at it with increasing frequency, she just couldn’t handle not knowing if was okay. Biting her lip she had given into an impulse that she knew she really shouldn’t have, and broke the promise she had made to both Simon and herself.
You can ignore this if you want, I just was wondering how you were doing?
Clary then put her phone down and went to go beg fighting lessons out of Izzy. And really, what else was she supposed to do? Alec still didn’t trust her, she understood why even when it rankled, Jace kept flirting with her, which she liked but wasn’t sure if letting that grow was altogether a great idea considering all the bad choices she had made recently. And then there was the fact that she simply didn’t know how to do anything in this world, something other Shadowhunters had silently made clear to her whenever she tried to do something other than despair. So Izzy really was the only safe option for her right now. Clary was also pretty sure that Izzy knew it by the way she was looking at Clary.
It had taken Simon a day and a half to answer, and his text message only said I’m okay . Clary had let out a shaky breath before nodding to herself, she gave herself another day before texting him again with the same message. This time Simon answered in the same night, again with only a I’m okay. The next day she ended up going to another realm where there were no Shadowhunters, but there was magic and everything seemed perfect. She even got to talk to Simon again. Not that it was her Simon, but it felt like a goddamn miracle. Once she got back, she had her mother. And Jace had his father, and then. Well then so much happened .
Her mother still wasn’t awake, but now she had a brother. And this, this wasn’t something she could just tell Simon through text. What was Clary suppose to say? Hi Simon, I know we’re still in the early stages of talking to one another after I ruined your life for my own selfish reasons but can I just be selfish one more time in order to tell you that Jace is my brother and I really need to talk to you? That was not a good idea. Which led Clary to trying desperately to avoid Jace, which led to avoiding all Lightwoods, which led to where she was now. In front of Hotel DuMort, to do exactly that.
“Well Shadowhunter?” a cool voice drawled, “Are you going to stand there all night or actually state the reason for your unwanted visit?” The vampire in front of her was unfamiliar, but then again all vampires except for Camille and Raphael were unfamiliar to her. She swallowed.
“I know I’m not - I know Simon asked - But I just. Actually no, I, no I should leave. This was a bad idea. Bad idea, I’m sorry. I’m - I’m gonna leave. Yeah, I’m just.” Turning on her heels, Clary took a step away from the door when a voice called out.
“Clary.” The breath was stolen from Clary’s lungs as she froze. “Come on in, if you’re here it must be important to you.” Simon stood on the last step of the main lobby staircase, biting his lip as he peered out into the darkness to see his best friend. Turning around, Clary took a cautious step inside the hotel.
Keeping her eyes locked on her best friend, she managed to choke out, “Yes, well. Kind of, it’s important but not? I can, you asked. I mean I just.” Really this whole not thinking about it thing was just making things harder. Hadn’t she learned that by now? Simon frowned at her.
“Are you doing that not-thinking-about-it-thing again? Because we talked about that Clary, it’s not good for you.”
“Well, it was working just fine, but now there’s too much to not think about and I keep thinking about things.” Simon just pinned her with a look.
“Well what’s the thing that broke the not thinking pattern?” Simon enquired. Clary took some fortifying breaths as she thought how best to put this truth. Should she try to be soft? Tell him in a roundabout way? Simon always could figure out what she was trying to say despite not saying it. Perhaps that would -
“Jace is my brother.” Or she could just blurt it out. That works.
Simon stared .
“I’m sorry, what? ” Clary shuffled her feet.
“He’s my brother?”
“Why does that sound like a question? Do you know? How do you know? How did this even come up in a conversation? I thought your brother died? Wait that would explain your mom’s JC box wouldn’t it? For a son named Jonathan, instead of your father!” Simon closed the space between them and dragged Clary over to the couches in front of the bar. Both had forgotten about the other vampires during Simon’s barrage of questions. Clary let Simon push her down onto a couch as he sat across from her in a overstuffed armchair.
“Tell me everything.” He demanded. And she did, she explained everything that had happened since he had turned, up to and including the fact that had simply left the institute to come see him.
Simon sat back into his chair, legs pulled up and crossed underneath him as he studied her.
“Jeez, Clary only you huh?”
“I guess yeah.” was her quiet reply. A vampire appeared next to Simon.
“Bebé. You need to eat.” Raphael looked and sounded the same as he had the day he had brought Simon to the institute. Clary tried not to let that cloud her judgement of him seeing how it was Raphael who was taking care of Simon, who was making sure he ate, and slept, and learned how to be a vampire now. Really, she should be thanking him. But instead, she just felt an irrational surge of jealous at the fact that Simon was relying on someone else other than her. Clary seriously needed to get ahold of herself before she drove Simon away completely with this messed up summer.
Ignoring Clary, Simon nodded his head and got up swiftly went to the bar that was behind him. The vampire that was on bar tending duty gave him a small smile.
“You should try A positive this time Si. I think you’ll like it. It’s a little sweeter than the negs.” Raphael nodded his head.
“You should try and figure out which one tastes the best to you and stick to that.” Raphael advised to Simon as he reached out and placed a metal thermos on the bar top. Elliot hummed in agreement as he took it and turned around to fill it up. SImon gave both of them a tight smile and shrugged his shoulders.
“I guess yeah.” Was all he could utter. Simon wasn’t actually looking at either of the two vampires as they put together his meal. While he had learned to accept the fact that he needed to drink human blood in order to survive, it still made his stomach roll. He moved to sit back down in front of Clary who was giving him a questioning look. Pursing his lips Simon thought for a moment before telling her what they were doing.
“I kept kosher, Clary. You know that, hell your mom learned how to cook kosher just so she could feed me when I was over your house.” Simon couldn’t look directly at Clary. “I didn’t eat that first day. Which resulted in me having a blackout, where I just drank whatever I could find. Then once I was aware of what I was doing again, I tried animal blood, just to see if that could happen instead, it seemed … like a lesser transgression I guess? It um, it didn’t work. So now, I mean I’ve chosen to live you know? So I have to drink blood. Human blood, I just. I can’t see it yet. I just can’t.” Simon breathed in deeply as his fingers worried at his sleeves.
Clary couldn’t help the low hurt sound that came from her.
“I’m sorry, God I’m so sorry Simon. I couldn’t I just couldn’t let you go. I wasn’t, I wasn’t ready to lose you. I didn’t, I didn’t even think of what the consequences would be for you as a vampire. I just couldn’t let you go, I wasn’t ready. I couldn’t let you go.” Clary felt a breath shudder out of her, as her eyes teared. Clary wasn’t even sure if she wanted to be forgiven for what she had done to Simon, let alone know if Simon could ever forgive her.
SImon finally looked at her, his face still holding that tightness to it.
“I know Clary. I know. Mostly, because if I’m honest with you - I don’t know what I would have chosen, if it was you who was dead with the possibility to come back. I’m not sure I could have let you die, not if there was even the slightest possibility of you coming back. So I don’t, I think, I’m sure that I can’t hate you for this choice. But I’m not fully ready to forgive you yet, I’m not really sure when I’ll be. I’m not, I’m still so angry. So angry Clary.” This time it was Simon who let out a shuddering breath as looked Clary right in the eyes. Clary nodded her head as she tightly gripped her hands together.
“I know.” She whispered.
Raphael quietly came to Simon’s side and handed him the thermos.
“Don’t think to hard about it Bebé, just drink out of the straw okay?” Simon stared at the thermos for a long moment before taking it.
“Thanks Raphael.” Raphael nodded before moving to lean against the back of Simon’s chair, all while staring Clary down. Clary was 70% sure that Raphael was threatening her in some way.
“Tell me more about the situation with Jace.” Simon requested, before slowly bringing the straw up to his mother to begin drinking.
“Okay, I mean, I’m not really sure what else to tell you. We were in the beginning of a possible? Relationship, and now that he knows we’re siblings, he in turn avoids me and hunts me down to ask questions about mom -”
Simon abruptly stopped drinking and intensely studied the drink in his hand. Raphael and Clary both broke from their staring contest that Raphael was winning to look at him with twin frowns on their faces.
“Simon? What is it?” Raphael asked, half hoping it was just Simon eating to fast and that he was still hungry. Which was a battle that Raphael had yet to win, Simon needed to eat more. The clan was lucky if they got him to drink a quart of blood a day now, which wasn’t enough. Fledglings went through a lot of blood their first year, they need at least 3 gallons a day. Simon was essentially starving himself, even as he was making progress.
“A positive.” Simon murmured. The two being’s studying him glanced at each other in confusion.
“Yes, Bebé. That’s A positive.” Raphael said cautiously. Yesterday Simon had acknowledged the type of blood he was drinking and hadn’t been able to finish his meal. Raphael really disliked watching a fledgling under his care starve himself.
“Clary, your blood. It’s O negative right? The universal blood type?” Simon was still staring at his thermos.
“Yes, it is. I mean you know that. I had to give you blood once, it’s also how we figured out that both of my parents had to have had a negative blood type. That - my father, had O negative blood also.” Clary confirmed.
“What about Jace?”
“What?”
“What about Jace? What is his blood type?” Simon finally looked away and up to Clary.
“I don’t know.” Clary admitted. She shifted at Simon's stare went from being intense concentration to baffled disbelief.
“What do you mean you don’t know? Wouldn’t it have come up in the test?” Simon demanded.
“What test?” She asked guardedly.
“What test …” Simon muttered then a little louder, “Didn’t you guys take a DNA test? Like to check? I assumed that with all the certainty in this drama that you guys, had you know, fucking checked?That you two were related?! Or did you really just believe the crazy dude that wants to commit mass genocide?!”
Clary just gaped at him.
“Oh fuck you, you did, didn’t you? Clary, Clary , why would you just believe him?” Simon demanded.
She gave a helpless shrug.
“Jace believed it. Alec believed it, so did Izzy. Everyone just, believed it. I don’t know Valentine seemed so, so gleeful when telling us. Like he knew the pain he was going to cause and reveled in it.” Clary struggled to find the words to explain to Simon how accepted Valentine’s words had been. How everyone seemed to treat something said by a high ranking member of the Shadowhunter community as fact, undisputable and beyond reproach. Valentine for all that he was fighting against The Clave had been a high ranking member, Shadowhunters still treated him as such, as far as Clary could tell.
“What the fuck Clary?! I mean what the actual fuck is going on in the institute, with The Clave? Jesus it’s like you've joined a fucking cult!”
“What? No! No I haven’t” Clary spluttered.
“No?” Simon said, raising his eyebrow, “No? So you didn’t just accept what they told you without question? Do you have any idea on how they run themselves? Other than, The Clave? Are you even allowed to question their way of life without getting your head bitten off by some shadowhunter that’s lived that way their whole lives? Face it Clary, as old as the Shadowhunters are, they tick off a lot of modern requirements for being a cult. I mean, you even look like one now.”
Clary glanced down at herself, taking in the black leather assemble, the new runes that were burned onto her skin, the weapons she carried around with ease. Clothing that she never would have worn before could be explained away as her needing to borrow Izzy’s clothes seeing as her got destroyed in the apartment fire. As for the runes, well she did always want tattoos. And the weapons, she needed them to defend herself didn’t she?
“You just justified everything on you right now didn’t you?” Simon stated.
“Uh, maybe?” Clary looked sideways, her eyes landing on Raphael who had been watching their conversation as though it was a reiviting tennis match.
“Clary, just look, we are a part of this world now. There’s no going back, but we don’t have to forget where we came from.” Simon said firmly, “In fact, we should actively hold onto it, because I think this world is dangerous, and not just because we can die so much faster. We have to make sure we don’t lose ourselves. It’s something I struggle with everytime I take a sip of blood. And I think, I’m sorry, but I think you’re not even trying to hold onto yourself.” Simon sat back and gave his thermos a careful look and nodded his head to himself, before trying to drink from it once more.
Simon’s words began to sink in the longer the three of them sat in silence.
“Oh shit .” Clary breathed. “Okay, okay , I just, I guess I know, I mean I don’t know for sure how but I doubt Jace will say no? Right? Right, I mean he’ll want to be sure. And, I guess, Jesus. Simon. I -” Clary cut herself off as she watched her vampire best friend force himself to go against his every instinct in order to survive, all while still wearing one of the Star Wars shirts that she had gotten for him once upon a time.
“I’ll try, I’ll try to hold to myself.” Clary licked her lips, “I promise Simon.”
“Don’t promise me Clary, show me.” Simon murmured. Clary shot to her feet and nodded her head.
“I will.” and with that, Clary Fray walked out of Hotel DuMort with purpose in her steps.
It was time to find out the truth.