Chapter Text
WILL HE STOP ME!
I stood in the train station and waited for my train. I feel a pain I never felt before. Leaving him was my decision, and until I find a reason to go back I won’t change my decision not for this aching heart anymore. All this time I held onto him hoping there might be a change but not anymore, I can’t hold onto false delusions anymore. I need to stop lying to myself. There is nothing anymore!
“Gintoki?” this voice, its him, its Hijikata-kun
I looked towards him and didn’t know what to say anymore. Why is he here! I gave him what he wants so why now?
“Hijikata-kun, Hijikata-kun, your breakfast?” I ran after him as he headed towards the door to leave.
“Sorry, can’t late for work.” He didn’t even look up from his phone and slammed the door at me. I stood there for a while looking at the door just hoping that he might be back but who am I kidding. I smiled at my own childish wish and got ready for work. All my efforts to make this relationship work is going to vain. I once again looked towards the laid breakfast on the table. My heart ached for some reason but didn’t have the heart to find why. And so I left for work.
I work for a pharmaceutical company. My work is mostly research and I met Hijikata-kun when his company had an interest on the drugs our company produced. Our work led us to know each other. And soon we knew that it’s more than just a work relationship, which made us move in together. I always admired his passion for his work. If he is into something he is going to get it, that’s the very reason our company actually took an interest in them. But now that passion seems to be all he cared about. We have been living together for six months now and we never even had a single good conversation. It seems he is just losing feelings for me. The very thought scares me, because I don’t know about him but now my life is unimaginable without him.
When Hijikata-kun asked me to move in with him, it felt like a dream. Since I live in a small apartment near work, he insisted on looking for some good apartment. Apartment hunting around Tokyo wasn’t easy but we finally found our ideal home. But that home is crumbling apart at least inside my head which makes me feel broke in every possible way.
“Hijikata-kun dinners ready.” I called for him. The whole day I couldn’t concentrate on anything other than my worries. But coming back I decided I should prepare a good meal and do something about these feelings. I can make that happen. Hijikata-kun came out from his room; he was in his night pajamas looking all kind of adorable. I just love him so much, if only he knew.
“How’s your day?” I asked hoping to start a conversation.
“It’s good, yours?” he asked back like a machine obligated to do it.
“Fine” I replied with some energy, “we started doing some new research.” I said again with some hope of getting a good conversation out of him.
“Yeah.” Is all he could say?
“How is the food? Is the Salmon good?” I asked again.
“Yeah, it is delicious, thank you for the food.” He said. It’s not like he talked a lot before. He was always like this. But there is always a moment when you can feel as taken for granted and I don’t want to be that person. But I don’t know what will happen if I leave. Will he come after me? Maybe! Maybe not! I shouldn’t think like that. It will be okay. I reassured myself and ate my dinner right next to the person who I love and fear at the same time.
After dinner I took care of the dishes since it’s my turn today. I got to my room after cleaning and saw Hijikata-kun with his laptop. It’s kind of agonizing to see him like this all the time. It kind of angered me but I don’t want to be the immature prick in this relationship. I knew before what to expect from this relationship.
“Hijikata-kun, you need to take some rest.” I said getting a little closer to him. He looked up from his laptop. The closeness is irresistible. I don’t know if I can leave him now without a kiss. I got even closer grab his model like face and put my lips on his. I always love kissing him. It tastes like vanilla and feels warm. Hijikata-kun was avoiding the kiss at first protesting that he got work, but I couldn’t let go. I will not let go. And finally he gave in. I love this Hijikata Toushiro. I hope it stays like this forever where he doesn’t have to be so cold, and I don’t have to work it out so hard.
The next morning I woke up next to a sleeping Hijikata-kun. I calm sleeping face reminded me of the night before the animalistic ways we had with each other. It left a very beautiful after taste. The thought made me smile. I had to wake him up but couldn’t bring myself doing it. So I decided to wake up and prepare a good breakfast and wake him up after. It’s actually his turn to cook but I can make an exception.
I put the coffee in the coffee maker and took some eggs to fry when I heard a scream, “Gintoki!” Hijikata-kun came running towards the kitchen almost dressed with his briefcase.
“Why didn’t you wake me up?” he said, “I am so late, got to go,” he ran towards the door. “But breakfast?” I ran after him asking, “No time” and he left slamming the door again. And once again I stood there looking towards the door, hoping he might be back. But who am I kidding! I again smiled at myself and got ready for work myself.
This is all my life has been for almost a year now. Every passing day makes me question my existence in his life more and more. And every time I stop myself believing that something different might happen tomorrow. But nothing ever changes other than my despair. I try to make myself believe that maybe it’s all in my head but the sore communication between us is only making it obvious. And when I was offered between a chance to change this or get along with it I was all the more confuse.
“Gintoki, come in.” the president of my company laughed inviting me to his office. Itou Tanaka was like a father since I joined this company. Well it’s not just me he always takes care of every employee under him. He is always filled with kindness. I looked into the face of the distinguished figure standing in front of me and couldn’t help myself from being a little better. “Yes, Itou-san,” I said stepping inside the room. “Well, take a seat, Gintoki.” He said pointing at the chair across his. I sat down and waited for him to speak.
“Gintoki, today I called you because of a very different reason then I usually call you for.” He said taking a pause, “there is an offer for you to join our team in the Osaka branch, even though I will hate it if you leave but I think it will in be a good opppurtunity for you.” He looked towards me finishing his line hoping for some reaction. But I couldn’t give him anything not at the moment at least. What should I be saying? “The offer is only if you want it if not stay with the team here, nothing will change if you dismiss it.” Itou-san said maybe realizing my dilemma. “Can I have some time to think?” I asked with some hope.
“Well you have to give me some answer within a week.” He stated.
I came out of the meeting feeling dissected. I care about my career but it is going great here as well. There will not be much change in my position with it. The question is not about if I can go or not, it’s about if I should. This is the time when I have to choose the change I can make into my life by leaving Hijikata-kun. Or just stay back with him.
I got home late, and as I entered the apartment I could smell some delicious curry. Hijikata-kun is here. He must be cooking his curry recipe which is one of my favorite. The smell made me forget about my worries for the time being.
“Gintoki, you’re late!” Hijikata-kun asked stirring the curry over the stove. I looked towards him and felt this urge to hug him. His existence is too huge for me to deny. The longing and desire drives me crazy sometime. “Got some extra work.” I replied flatly. He didn’t say anything back and I went inside to freshen up.
We sat for dinner and it’s yummy as always. Hijikata-kun is not a good cook. He can at least cook this curry well. I was savoring the dish looking at him. He is eating quietly. He never has anything to ask or say to me. “Hijikata-kun?” I called out to him. He looked up still eating and replied, “umm”. I have to ask him about the job at Osaka but I don’t know if I should.
“Will you be okay if I leave you?” that’s all I can blurt out, I don’t know if I should look at him and what I will find if I do. But with some courage I glanced towards him and saw him showing no emotion whatsoever, “What do you mean?” he asks without even looking at me. “Nothing, Nothing.” I said, I couldn’t ask him anything anymore. I am too scared to even think about anything anymore. I need to sleep over it and think about it tomorrow.
The next morning I woke up to an empty bed. I got up from the bed and head to the kitchen. Near the coffeemaker I found a note. “Got early work, will be late too so don’t wait up.” It’s from Hijikata-kun. I looked into the note upside down for anything related to yesterday but couldn’t find anything at all. I am not disappointed anymore, but just felt like nothing. I know I didn’t say anything properly but I did talk about leaving him. Doesn’t he have anything to say or ask me? Is it all that he feels? Am I just a liability or something he thinks will stay there waiting for him like this forever?
I put some coffee on the coffee maker, set it to boil and got ready for work. This is just enough I don’t have to wait like this anymore. I know what I must do. And no matter how unpleasant it will be for me and him, I am going through it. I am leaving him and taking the job at Osaka.