Work Text:
Clandestine Liaisons.
Morning Coffee. A rather extended break…
This partner-swapping malarkey.
You make it sound like swinging, sir.
How’s your day going, James?
Don’t ask.
Pretend I just did.
It’s certainly different.
I’ll say. Peterson’s sergeant—he’s been spending too much time with Peterson.
An hour as Peterson’s sergeant is too much time, sir.
Having that much fun, are you? I’ve got his mini-me here.
How’s that?
Blake. He’s all overhearty and rugged and stuff.
Yes. It’s the “stuff” that’s especially the problem, isn’t it?
Isn’t it just. I’m going to flaming well kill Laura.
For failing to keep her man in line? Peterson’s not being that bad to me. He’s just being—himself.
Well, that’s bad enough—don’t tell Laura I said that. Making an effort with him, amn’t I? For her sake.
Your restraint does you credit, sir. Although she does see right through it.
Well, she said so long as I tried. And I’m perfectly happy for her. It’s just, you know.
Peterson. I know. Why d’you want to kill her, then?
This was her idea.
What??
You didn’t know. She put the idea in Innocent’s head. One of her colleagues at Preston nick told her about it. They’ve been doing this teambuilding over there. Swapping ruddy sergeants on the inspectors.
I can’t believe she started this!
Feels like a betrayal, doesn’t it, lad?
She never said! Three drinks I bought her!
You did what?..........................You still there?.............................James?
We may have the occasional drink together.
You and Laura? Does Peterson know that?
Dunno.
Why are you and Laura—hey, you turned me down for a pint yesterday evening!
Oh, look, you’ve discovered the exclamation mark, sir. There’ll be no stopping you now. It’ll be textspeak next. And smiley faces.
Sergeant.
Okay, so we went for a drink without you.
I feel even more betrayed now.
Sorry, sir. Like I said, it’s an occasional thing. And it had been a rough day.
I know you’d had a rough day! I was bloody there! That’s why I was going to buy you a pint!
You don’t need to keep using the exclamation marks now! Just to show you can!
You meet me for lunch. I want a word.
Can’t. We have to do their usual lunch time and after work activities with our partner too.
You’re winding me up.
I assure you, sir.
I have to take Blake for our Friday pub lunch? And then for a pint after work?
He’s going to get the idea that you spend a lot of time in pubs.
Well, I’m bloody well not taking him home with me for takeaway and letting him kip on my couch.
Honoured that I have such an exclusive place in your life, sir.
You’ve an exclusive place on my couch all right. I’ve applied for planning permission, you know. After last Friday. Going to build an extension to it.
To your couch?
Yeah. Bad enough tripping over my own feet or Monty in the dark, going to get myself a glass of water. But your long dangly legs…
I said I’ll go back to sleeping facing the other way! That wasn’t much fun for me either, sir. And, like I suggested, turning the odd light on would have been less frightening. For both of us.
Didn’t want to wake you, did I? You’re looking tired again.
The not-waking me plan definitely didn’t work.
Felt a bit bad, actually. Sort of persuading you to stay when you needed your own bed.
I sleep better on your couch than in my bed.
You serious?
Yeah.
Well, any time, James, you know that. Doesn’t have to be a Friday. Just turn up and settle yourself down. Facing the right direction, of course. But any time.
Might take you up on that, sir.
Make sure you do. Even if it’s late, yeah? Use your key. I’m sure I could cope with finding you there in the morning. Making me coffee.
You like that coffee, don’t you?
Maybe.
Sir…
All right, yes, I do.
There is a difference, isn’t there?
I said, all right, yes, I like that one. I’m not saying I can taste earthy notes. That’s still rubbish. I’m just saying I like that one.
I’ll get more.
You know I mean it? When you’re back over at mine during a weekend anyway. Giving me a hand with the garden. Or giving your cooking demonstrations. Just stay if you like. Would have said before if I hadn’t thought I was keeping you from a decent night’s kip in your bed. You should’ve said.
Didn’t want to wear out my welcome, sir.
You couldn’t if you tried, James. So you’re not sleeping and you’re meeting Laura behind my back. Now I know what it is. You’re secretly in love with her.
That’s it.
No wonder you’re having such a bad day. You’re having an affair with Laura and now you’re playing sergeant to her boyfriend.
If it’s any comfort, sir, she and I spent the entire evening talking about you.
I’m sure. So how come action man’s not got you doing any work?
He’s at a meeting. Senior staff only.
Am I meant to be at that?
No, sir. It’s optional. I triaged that email into your “better off not knowing” file. If you’d known about it, you’d have avoided it.
Can’t find that file?
Well, I don’t call it that. Obviously. It’s called MTJRMSBP.
What language are you speaking now?
That’s what you call them: “meetings that just raise me sodding blood pressure.” This one was about team-bonding initiatives.
There was a meeting about team-bonding today? In the middle of a flaming team-bonding exercise?
See. Meetings that just—How come you’re not doing any work either?
It’s all strange here in our office today. You’re distracting me.
I can stop messaging.
No! I mean, you’re distracting me, not being here. And I’ve sent Blake off out for coffees anyway.
You’ve sent him where??
What was that?
You can’t pretend not to hear me when I’m messaging you!
All right. So I sent him to our coffee place.
I can’t believe you!
Hurts doesn’t it? The betrayal. Someone going for drinks behind your back…
I told you, me and Dr Hobson, it’s an occasional thing!
You’re just mad ‘cause you want coffee. Did it ever occur to you I might have wanted to talk to you last night, James? After yesterday?
No.
Well, maybe I did. Want to talk to you. Or buy you a pint. See that you were all right. Or something.
Don’t know what to say, sir. Sorry. Hadn’t realised that.
Why didn’t you flaming well duck, anyway? When his arm went up? I yelled at you to duck and you only went and swung round to look at me.
Oh, you said duck! I heard you wrong. I was looking to see why you were cursing.
Oh for—
See, now I can hear you cursing.
Wasn’t much bloody fun seeing you swinging round standing tall and seeing that knife go straight at you.
It wasn’t straight at all. He missed by a mile.
Yeah. He did. Yeah.
Honestly, sir.
Hope you got Laura to check your reflexes, all the same. You’re still supposed to duck, sergeant, when you see something like that coming at you.
Not at me. Near me. In my vicinity. And I was distracted.
By what?
Trying to see if he was turning towards you, sir.
Oh, we’re a right pair.
Funny. That’s pretty much what Laura said.
That’s what you were talking to her about?
I was a bit—irate. She offered to take me for a drink and let me complain about you putting yourself in harm’s way. Again. Going off to a suspect’s house by yourself. Again.
I wasn’t by meself.
You were until I got there! Not much fun for me driving there knowing you’d worked it out and would have gone ahead on your own.
Yeah, I don’t much like it when you do that either………………..James?.....................Hello?
I was maintaining an eloquent silence there, sir.
All right. So you were angry at me. Why not just say so? And let me take you for a pint?
Because I was angry with you.
Fair enough. Laura talk some sense into you, then?
She may have pointed out what you said there. That I might have done the same myself. Once or twice.
You know, we could both try waiting for backup sometimes. Just for a change, mind?
That was certainly her view. And yes. Please, sir.
I could have done with a drink, all the same. Well I did have one or three when I got home. But could have done with—could have done with it being a Friday, really.
I like Fridays.
Me too, lad. Shouldn’t be allowed to stick this teambuilding nonsense on them.
Blake’s just dropped off a very nice coffee for me. Thanks, sir.
Couldn’t see you surviving today without your caffeine fix.
Good of you to get Peterson one too.
Yeah. Well. Sooner we all appear nice and friendly and bonded and such, sooner this teambuilding will be over.
Lunch. And a very casually made proposition.
Bugger. Sent Blake out for sandwiches and he’s flaming well forgotten the salt.
Top drawer of my desk.
Where’d you get all those?!
I appropriate them from the various establishments we frequent as we do our taxing work around this fine city.
Don’t you get all lofty with me. You steal packets of salt from cafes around Oxford?
Couldn’t listen to the speech one more time, sir. “An’ egg san’wich is not an’ egg san’wich wi’out a dab o’ salt.”
That your rubbish effort at imitating me? Where the hell do you think I’m from?
No, sir. Spellcheck just malfunctioned for a moment there. Peterson just brought me back a sandwich from the canteen. We’re having a working lunch, too. Get out of here early, hopefully.
Yeah, that seems to be the general approach today. End the misery. I’m really going to be having a word with Laura over this.
She’ll just be amused if you let on you’re annoyed. And, by the way, she said no more couples counselling unless we turn up to sessions together. That’s a rule, apparently.
She has rules?
No, the rules of couples counselling. She’s having a crack at us. About us being like an old married couple.
Yeah, she does that.
And she said she’s been juggling us both for ages now and it’s not good for her alcohol intake if we keep taking her out separately and asking her stuff. About each other. Didn’t know you did that actually, sir.
I did it first! When did you start?
Couple of years ago. When did you?
Doesn’t matter. My awkward sod. I definitely started first. You know when you picked me up for work on Wednesday? ……………………James?....................... You there?.....................James?
Yeah. I was just rereading that last message—
Focus, sergeant. Important matters to discuss here. Wednesday. I know it was you topped up my fridge with vegetables.
Well, it was hardly Monty. Although he’s a more likely culprit than you.
I’m getting better! I used them all up. There’s none left for you to make your omelettes all fancy with, tomorrow morning, that’s what I’m saying. Just eggs.
I’ll make French toast. There’s day-old bread?
I have no flaming clue how old the bread is, sergeant. But at least a day.
What did you make with the vegetables?
Turns out you had a point. About how quick it is to make a stir-fry with your fancy wok.
Really? So the deeply held principle of “nothing’s wrong with a good old-fashioned frying pan”? That’s finally been abandoned?
Stop smirking. We’re really going to need to do Friday another day, you know. Everyone’s messing this one up on us.
I’m generally ready for another Friday by Monday.
It’s not a bad idea, lad. Having Friday more often in the week. Won’t be half as good not having time for omelettes and earthy notes coffee in the morning, mind.
Or going to the farmer’s market.
You and your ruddy vegetables. No wonder my daughter thinks you’re a good influence.
Or taking the river walk to The Trout.
Come to think of it, we do seem to spend a lot of time in pubs. Lyn might revise her opinion of you if she knew that.
Or tackling your garden.
Coming along, isn’t it? That was a nice idea of yours, James. To grow those flowers. Cut some this week for Val. It was nice bringing her ones I’d grown.
I’m glad, sir.
Going to miss that garden now. Although it’ll be bigger, the new one.
You’ve actually found somewhere?
I have. All by myself.
And here was me thinking my second opinion was invaluable. I thought you saw the sense in me monitoring the websites? I told you anywhere good will get snapped up before you go touring the windows of estate agents.
Shows how much you know. This place is just fine.
Which one is it? There really can’t be a one-bed flat in this city that I don’t know about by now…
Changed my specifications. Think that was why I couldn’t make up my mind for so long. Went for somewhere bigger, after all. Might as well at least have somewhere you can swing a cat.
I don’t think Monty would like that.
No but you might. Went for a two-bed.
You did? That’ll be handy when Lyn is visiting.
Yeah, but she doesn’t come down that much, does she? I go up there more these days. No, I thought you could stick yourself and your dangly legs in there on a proper bed.
Really?
Really. Makes sense, doesn’t it? Must be landing on the floor in a heap with you in the dark last week that brought me to my senses. All arms and legs, you were. And curses.
It was a rude awakening. And I think the cursing was you, sir.
You’ll have a new garden to dig. Just told you, it’s bigger. Can’t have you sleeping on a couch after tackling that.
Are you serious about this?
Why wouldn’t I be? There whenever you want it, James. And you’ll have a key. Just come and go as you want, that’s what you can do. I’d like that. You making yourself at home in my new place. Make me settle in, won’t it? If you like.
I would really like that, sir. Really, I would.
Good.
Afternoon Coffee. All Fraternising Forbidden.
Speak of the devil, sir…
Laura’s there?
She’s just popped in to see Peterson. She keeps looking over at me and raising her eyebrows at me. I think she’s enjoying this.
Tell her to flaming well pop in and see me. I want to give her a piece of my mind. Ruining Friday.
Can’t. Peterson doesn’t know I’m talking to you. Obviously.
I’m coming over to his office. Delay Laura.
You can’t. Not when I’m here. Innocent said, this morning. No fraternising with your usual partner. This is meant be an immersive bonding experience. Or something.
It’s something, all right.
Did you notice Innocent looked right at us when she said that? About the no fraternising?
She did? Suspicious woman. Completely unwarranted. If you still smoked it would be easier to meet up. It’s good you don’t, though. I don’t say, like. But you know how I think that’s good.
I do, sir. Laura’s making cracks about me being separated from my lesser half now.
Better, James, she said better. You just misheard her.
When she was leaving she said to say hi to you. I gave her my best blank look. Peterson is just looking confused.
Good lad. What the hell does he think you’ve been typing at all day, anyway?
I’ve been doing a case summary for him. Pair of fresh eyes. While I talk to you. You’re not exactly a speed typist, sir.
I’ve worked out this messaging thing. Small steps. Good thing you set it up before today, though.
It is a long day, isn’t it?
Couldn’t get it to work earlier, had to get Gurdip to have a look. Think he was laughing to himself.
Well, the idea of you and instant messaging, sir—
No, he was okay with that. Said he’d take me through it on Monday. It was when I sort of insisted it had to be fixed today that he got all amused.
He’s onto us.
I bought his silence with coffee. It’s been an expensive day.
You don’t have to bribe Gurdip to stay quiet, you know.
I felt sorry for the lad. He’s been put with Grainger. Can’t be much fun.
Think I dodged a bullet there.
At least you know how to duck sometimes. Did you know that? What he’s like? Back then, when you chose me instead?
No. No idea.
It was a case of better the devil you’re nearly starting to know, was it?
I’d need another coffee to make sense of that question…
I’ve sent Blake back out for another round.
Oh good!
Not trying to feed your habit this time, just couldn’t take his whistling.
Peterson does that too! Off-key.
They must do duets. You should’ve brought your guitar in. Show them how it’s done. That’s what I’m suggesting for the next time Innocent goes off on a team-building kick. Police band.
How would you participate, sir?
I’ll play the bloody triangle if it gets me out of this.
It won’t. This is just the start. Partner-reshuffling is going to be a regular thing. Today is to break down barriers and usher in a new era of cohesiveness.
It’s what??
Did you listen to an actual word she said when she was outlining this exercise this morning?
No, I was busy thinking about the possibilities.
Possibilities?
Hell.
Sir?........................Sir?.........................You okay there?
Innocent just turned up. Like she sensed we were talking about her. Good thing Gurdip turned your beeps off this morning.
What did she want?
I’m to stop sending Blake out for coffees. And bond with the bloke.
Well, that was predictable. Good thing he got mine to me first. Peterson was a bit surprised you’ve bought him another one. Says he owes you a pint.
Oh, bugger.
I know, sir, unintended consequences.
You haven’t told me what his plans are for you, after work.
Peterson? He wants me to think of something for him and me to do together.
Well that’s just—Make him take you to the White Horse.
You want to double-date, sir?
Yeah. And then we could ditch them.
They might be okay with that, actually.
Yeah?
Heard them earlier outside the office. They were complaining about us.
They were fraternising! And complaining about us!
That’s it. Blake said you keep sending him off on errands. And they were beginning to laugh at him when he showed up in the coffee place.
Well, it’s been weird having him here today. Sitting at your desk. Making me wonder what it’d have been like if you’d left last year after all. What did Peterson say about you?
That he can’t make me out. Told you no-one else would understand me, sir.
So you did. Something else before we go, lad. This spare room. In the new place. It’s big enough. It’s got room for stuff.
Will try and keep my arms and legs out of the way of your stuff, sir.
No, your stuff. You can bring over some of your stuff. If you like.
Seriously?
Yeah. Mind, don’t leave your favourite stuff in your flat and have your extra stuff at mine. Do it the other way round. You understand me, James?
I think so.
Try being more sure.
I’ll—let my guitar live at yours. If that’s okay.
That’s exactly right. Good. It can always go back to yours some evenings if you need to. While we get used to the set-up. No questions asked.
That sounds—pretty much perfect.
Yeah?
If you’re sure. Are you sure?
‘Course I’m sure. Wouldn’t be asking if I wasn’t. See, if you stay at mine a good bit more then it’ll save you driving over to pick me up in the morning. Saves the environment.
That’s very true. You’re being a good citizen, sir.
Saves electricity in the evenings if you’re over in my flat too. One shared telly. One set of lamps on. One microwave to make dinner. Or cooker, seeing as it’s you in my kitchen.
Some environmentally conscious people, in an effort to conserve water, they even shower together.
Settle down there, sergeant. Let me get used to living with your guitar and we’ll discuss the shower arrangements then, all right?………………………James?.........................You gone?
Sorry, sir. Started choking on the coffee and had to shut you down when Peterson came over to bang me on the back. God, that hurt. He’s a bit concerned, I think. He says to start finishing up.
See you down the pub. Bet you’re bloody thankful today is over, yeah?
I don’t know, sir. It sort of had its compensations. And there’s still our double-date…
A pint at the White Horse and text messages. Robbie takes the final step.
Bloody hell. Well, that’s thrown a spanner in the works. Can’t believe we never saw this one coming.
I know, sir.
Don’t mean Blake inviting so many folk. I’m all right with that bit.
Yeah. Safety in numbers.
Funny. I could swear Blake muttered that. When I said I was taking him for a pint.
He does seem a bit wary of you. After today. But Innocent! Commiserations having her at your table.
She’s well bloody pleased with herself. Half the station here in the pub together? She thinks her ruddy teambuilding’s a success.
I feel sort of—outclassed. Outwitted.
We are. Can’t slope off together now. I’ve had to confirm I’m only here bonding with Blake. At least he’s got other people to bother now. Innocent sort of looked at me, all considering.
I saw. Then she looked over at me. There’s some days you can really see how she made Chief Super.
Your brain’s still bigger than hers. Start thinking. Can’t have this bonding eating into our evening. Not tonight.
Why especially not tonight?
Tell you later. I think this is personal. She’s after me. Innocent. Last time I made a big change in my private life she invited herself to the pub too. Same ruddy pub.
What change are you making this time?
Your guitar, James. Coming to live in my new flat. Keep up.
Oh.
Can see you blushing from over here. People will wonder what the hell you’re showing Gurdip on that phone.
Just pleased, sir, really. For my guitar. And Gurdip’s my decoy. I’m pretending I’m showing him stuff online. He’s just happy Peterson is nattering on to Grainger.
I’ve said I’m texting Lyn. They think it takes me all evening to send one text anyway. A lot of people have their phones out tonight?
Today’s made them appreciate their normal partners. There were all sorts of clandestine liaisons taking place around the station.
You serious?
Yeah. They were all at it. Fraternising. Complaining about their assigned partners. In the cafeteria, corridors, car park…
And we were Herself’s prime suspects for that? We never met up once!
I’d save the indignation, sir. Are you familiar with the concept of breaking the spirit of the law?
Just because we’re more technologically advanced than the rest of them.
We? If Gurdip was actually looking at these texts, he’d really be laughing now.
You worked out how to get us both out of here yet?
Probably easier if we do it separately. I could extract myself and you follow me in a bit.
No. Stay there, James. You’re not going anywhere without me. Not just now.
Why?
Got my reasons, sergeant. Come on…
Okay… Are you still on orange juice? If I was ill, you could say you’ll drive me home? Although why are you still on orange juice?
Don’t want to be stuck here waiting on a taxi this evening. My couch awaits. Good lad. That should work. Start laying the groundwork.
Will do.
Damn.
What?
Look behind you.
Plan A was a conspicuous failure, sir.
Could have told you to abandon it as soon as Laura turned up. No chance faking symptoms with her.
Tried saying I had a headache and she just told me to stop drinking then. Said I felt nauseous and she said I should stop drinking then. Don’t think much of her bedside manner…
You reckon anyone would believe me if I pretended to be all jealous over her and Peterson and left?
You can’t leave me here! And no, sir. It’s a year too late to get all—lovelorn.
I wasn’t going to leave you—Lovelorn??
Oh, you were more thinking of taking him outside for a word? Challenging Peterson to a duel! I’ll be your second-in-command. I’ll fight Blake.
Laura might be right about the drinking. How much have you had?
A couple. Thought I could get all drunk and indisposed and then you could take me home.
No need to employ method acting, sergeant. We’ll find another way. Soon. Very soon. Innocent thinks I’m sweet with all this texting to me daughter. Ruddy sweet.
You are sweet, sir.
Put the glass down, James. That’s your last drink till you’re having beer on my couch. I want you relatively sober later.
For what? It’s a Friday—God, Laura’s just started a conversation about sexting. A propos of nothing, she said.
About what??
Do you really want me to explain? While you’re sitting there opposite Innocent?
No. No, I don’t.
Peterson’s looking intrigued. He thinks she’s flirting. Grainger doesn’t know where to look. But Gurdip’s out. Laura’s completely disconcerted him. He won’t play decoy any more. Afraid of what he’s going to see on my phone now, I think.
See, this is why I couldn’t keep up with Laura, I reckon.
Ready for your pipe and slippers, are you?
You’re one to talk. Your idea of an exciting Friday night is the same as mine.
It is. Exactly the same. I’ve said it before, sir. Thank goodness we found each other.
You bloody well did, didn’t you? Years ago. You’ve always been ahead of me. Until now.
What?
Oh, sod this. I’ve had enough of waiting. Hold on a minute.
Did you just text Laura, sir?
Yeah.
What the hell did you say to her??
Why? What did she say?
Nothing at all. She read the text and it stopped her in her tracks. She got all shiny-eyed. Then she got up and kissed me! Didn’t you see? Just before she headed over to Innocent. What the hell did you say??
Wouldn’t have thought you’d mind her kissing you. Your secret girlfriend. Peterson must be getting worried, though.
This table just thinks she’s drunk. She’s not. What’s she saying to Innocent now?
She’s suggesting going on somewhere for food. She’s breaking this up. So people can escape. She’s helping me out.
Why this sudden reversal? What did you text to her?
Just told her about your guitar. And you. And us flat-sharing.
You shouldn’t have.
Shouldn’t I?
No, she’ll get her hopes up.
She will?
You don’t get it. She always worries about you, she really wants you to be happy, she thinks I should tell—
She thinks you should tell me what, James?
Meant to hit delete not send. Seriously, sir, not fair on her.
I’ll clarify it with her, all right? After you clarify things with me.
I don’t understand.
I really wish you would. It’s been a bloody long day, lad. I wish you would.
She’ll read too much into this flat-sharing. She’ll see it as something else entirely. Look at the way she keeps smiling at you now!
I see her. And she’s wrong, that’s what you’re saying? Be clear with me now.
Isn’t she?
Easier to type some stuff than say it out loud, isn’t it? Today was good for that. But I wanted to do this bit face to face. At home. On the couch. Not type it.
What?
This flat-sharing. It can be whatever you want it to be.
Whatever I want?
Yeah. You. Whatever you want. All right? I’m open.
You’re what?
Open to whatever you want it to be. Up to you. You decide. And then look over here now. So I know.
What?
Stop staring at your phone and look over here at me, James.
You mean it. I can see you really mean it. Can we go now? Right now?
Christ that was some look, lad. Give me a moment.
You want to fraternise with me, don’t you, sir?!
Fraternise? I want to do bloody all sorts, James. Me couch won’t know what’s hit it. It’s been waiting months for this.
I—
Bloody hell, you weren’t wrong about how hard Peterson whacks you on the back when you start choking.
I told you, it hurts!
Tell him to get his hands off my sergeant. Right now. He’s had you to himself all day. That’s enough. And come on, James. Get yourself over here. Let’s get going. This minute.
Look at you standing up like that! You’re getting all masterful! On my way right now, sir. We should do this every week, though. Every Friday! I bloody love team-building!