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Have you ever felt like everything was wrong? Like everything was crashing down around you, and you were stuck there, waiting for it to get better? Have you ever believed that the people you trusted didn't trust you back? And that no matter what you did, you would always be stuck inside this circle of self hatred and emptiness? And have you ever decided that it wasn't worth it, that life wasn't worth it? And you got so close to the edge, so close to jumping, but then someone came along that made you believe again, made your life just a little bit brighter.
Someone who was so pure and innocent, someone who was like a light amongst all the darkness. Some one who somehow became your rock. Someone who made you feel as if you were flying, when you were barely managing not to collapse with just one of their smiles. And that someone always collected you, picked you up off the ground and put you back together. That someone made sure you were always content, somehow without sacrificing their own happiness. They gave your life that little light that it was missing, the light you needed in order to push yourself, to believe that life had a meaning.
But just like everyone else, they still hurt you. They weren't perfect after all. They crushed your heart, not even realising it, and then put it back together. Time and time again. And yet... And yet they still were your light. The one that guided you through the void that sometimes surrounded you, making sure you would still be there the next day. They supported you, not even realising they might be the reason you feel this way. And they did it again and again, never asking why or how, always just being there for you. They made you feel depressed and then they made you feel elated. Broke you, then ut you back together. No matter what they did to you, no matter how they destroyed you, you just couldn't hate them.
That's what Scorpius was to Albus. His inspiration, yet at the same time his downfall. His light and his darkness. He was dragging him down while at the same time pulling him up. Because Albus was in love with his best friend while his best friend was in love with his cousin. And he didn't know if he could stand all that pain anymore. One moment he felt as if he had a chance and the next he was left behind, chasing after the only reason he was still there, still giving it a chance. As he looked at them once more, he felt that void again. He got up silently, something he seemed to excel at since noone said or did anything, and went to his room. He hadn't really thought about self-harming before, yet he was seriously considering it this time. He was willing to do anything to forget, even for just a moment.
It was then that he realised something. If he kept doing what he was, going in the same direction, nothing would ever change. He would always be chasing after Scorpius and Scorpius would still be with Rose. So he made a plan. A stupid plan, but still, a plan. He was going to slowly distance himself, slowly, without making it look obvious, and he would move on. Find someone who loved him back. He deserved better than living his whole life pining after someone who would never look at him that way, never see him as anything more than a best friend, and if the price was leaving his best friend, his everything, behind then so be it. It would be hard, probably the hardest thing he has ever done, but it was the only way he would ever be happy. Truly happy, without any feelings of inadequacy or bitterness. And if Scorpius truly wanted him in his life, then he knew where to find him.
If only he had known how hard the whole ordeal would be. He had never really realised how involved they were in each others lives until he tried to put his plan into motion. It was like a bug stuck in a spider web. They shared a room at Hogwarts, they were partners in Potions, they even had all the same classes. But the spider web was weaker than it looked. Albus started hiding. Scorpius always managed to find him the first few weeks of his plan, so he started going to places he wouldn't go before. And when Scorpius got angry at him for not telling him where he was, for making him worry sick, Albus knew his plan was working and yet he felt sad. He loved Scorpius so much. And there was a time when he was content with just being Scorpius’ friend. But that wasn't enough anymore. Not when he had utterly and hopelessly fallen in love. He knew that, before putting his heart back together, he had to smash it to little pieces.
And so he moved on to part three of his plan. Part two was skipped, because there was no way he was ever having a one night stand with anyone, especially a stranger. It would be unfair to whomever he did it with, since he would be imagining that they were Scorpius the whole time, that he was the one touching him and making him feel things he'd never felt before. And it would be completely counterproductive, the plan was to move on, not get even more tangled. So, part three was finding someone he wouldn't mind being in a relationship with. And he did, in the form of a transfer student from Ivermony. Her name was Susan and she was a very nice girl, someone he could hopefully learn to love. He quickly developed a crush on her, and after some time spent flirting, he asked her out. They were often described as 'the cutest couple of the year'. What happened next completely destroyed Albus. He and Scorpius started spending less and less time together, choosing instead to spend time with their girlfriends. Albus was heartbroken but at the same time happy for his cousin. She had a boyfriend who would give her all his attention, what more could he ask?
After a few more months of dating, he and Susan broke up. They both felt bad for using the other as rebound and they chose to end it. Even so, they quickly became best friends, as they had much in common. She let him go on and on about Scorpius and he would do the same in return, letting her rant about Alex, or Lex as she called him, her ex-boyfriend who turned out to be a huge jerk and the reason she moved to Britain. And even after what they did, Susan was the only one able to move on. No matter what Albus did, he always found himself looking at Scorpius out of the corner of his eye. And he was absolutely miserable. Scorpius was mad at him for some reason and he was giving him the cold shoulder. All Albus knew was what he'd heard from rumors. Scorpius and Rose had unexpectedly broken up, when their relationship was seemingly perfect. Most people believed that Scorpius was in love with someone else, but no one was sure. They kept asking Albus but he had no idea.
And while Susan supported him as a best she could, being an exceptional friend, there was only so much she could do, only so much advice she could offer. Albus found himself going in a downwards spiral again and he didn't know how to stop. He started eating less, and he rarely talked anymore. It got to the point where Susan tried to always be with him, only leaving his side if he was in a place with a lot of people and she knew he wouldn't leave or if he was going to the bathroom at the promise he wouldn't take longer than five minutes at a time. And when he was showering she was in the room, having already seen each other naked when the were dating and both not minding seeing the others body now that they were friends. And she was right to do that, because for the first time in his life, the moment she had left him alone with his desperation, he had tried to end his life. He had felt so numb and empty for so long that he wanted it to end, in any way possible, even death. He regretted it the moment he realised what he had done. He wanted to call for help, he wanted someone to save him because he was too weak to get up but he was also too weak to call out. After much struggling he managed to knock a bottle off the sink, but he almost regretted it when the one to find him was Scorpius. Albus will never forget the way Scorpius looked at him, horrified, as he rushed him to the infirmary. The next few hours of his life were a blur. He didn't remember anything other than his family visiting him in the infirmary and asking him why he didn't tell them he had depression. He didn't remember his answer, just that there were a lot of tears and apologies. The only thing he remembers clearly is the conversation he had with Scorpius.
He confessed to him he'd noticed that something was off with Albus but he was still too mad to approach Albus after he had tried to distance himself from Scorpius. The self blame in Scorpius' voice was so heartbreaking to Albus that he broke down. He apologised for his whole plan, for making Scorpius feel that way. He wasn't finished before he felt something on his lips interrupting him. It was soft and squishy. It took a moment for Albus to realise what was happening but when he did, all his thoughts turned into mush. He kissed back fervently, with the same desperation as Scorpius. After breaking off their kiss, mumbling 'I love you' to each other, Albus realised that Scorpius had been his all along. All the midnight conversations because Albus couldn't sleep, the way Scorpius held him because he was too depressed to sleep, always making Albus his first priority, all of it signs of Scorpius' love for him. He was just too blinded by his self doubt and Scorpius' crush on Rose to see it. So he cuddled with Scorpius that night, waking up the next day to Lily's squeal. And after that... well after that, Albus got some professional help for his depression, finally becoming boyfriends with Scorpius and officially making Susan his best friend. He got closer with his family, finally bridging the gap between them. If you'd asked him what his life was like two years ago, he would have said it couldn't be worse, but now, his answer couldn't be any different.