Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter One: Your Will Is As Strong As His

Must begin by finding common ground. You both like music, art, and literature; you definitely both like drama. He likes wearing tight pants; you like seeing him in tight pants.

Do not, however, take him on an outing with you to a Magritte exhibition unless you want to see thousands of goblins scuttering around the museum halls in bowler hats. And don't even think about Salvador Dali.

During initial contact, attempt not to address pre-existing issues until common ground has been reached. Friends in common could be put in a difficult situation if forced to take sides. Especially if they're really your friends and his subjects.

Do not encourage him when he kidnaps his third-cousin-seven-times-removed-and-thirteen-times-abducted David to sing for you on the second date. The man does have a life and family of his own, you know.

Do not at any point in your relationship go drinking with vengeance demons.

Even if you didn't know they were vengeance demons you still ought to have known better than to use the "w" word.

Chapter Two: Pieces of Cake

Previously mentioned "difficult situations": he does have a point when he asks why you need all the rest of the crowd appearing in your mirror but don't need him. Really, he does. He also has feelings.

Also to be considered: he will divebomb your bedroom window if he's feeling especially left out. Do you want to have to explain to your stepmother what that screech-thud! noise is that keeps coming from your room? Can you think of anything resembling a believable explanation for when Animal Control arrives?

Try to find ways in which to let your friends - all your friends - take part in your daily life and special events.

Do not, however, ask Sir Didymus to plan your little brother's birthday party. Four year olds should not joust.

Also, do not force Hoggle to plan your little brother's seventh birthday party, even if he does need cheering up after his recent elevation to the ranks of Labyrinth nobility. It's called "Eternal Stench" for a reason.

Do not invite the Fire Gang to any parties whatsoever. Or basketball games.

Being "stolen by the Goblin King" is only ever going to work as an excuse for missing one family holiday. Make sure it's your stepmother's birthday.

Chapter Three: It's All Junk

Fairness is more about what you choose to do than what others are doing to you. You've been given certain powers.

When they've asked you about where you see yourself in ten years, school counselors react badly to a reply of "some days I always tell the truth, and some days I always lie."

If you learned what French you know from quarrelsome talking birds that like to sit on people's heads, the day your teacher asks you where you got your accent would be a good day to fall into the "lie" category unless you want to be sent to the counselor again.

Do not say your school counselor is "out to get you" (even if she is) unless you want her dropped in a oubliette.

No, you don't. Not really.

You need her to sign off on your graduation paperwork, and several days spent in an oubliette are not conducive to that.

No, you can't just have Jareth forge the signature for you. Well, you could, but...listen, this is going to be a really long book if you have to reteach yourself basic morality.

Don't listen to what Jareth has to say on the subject of basic morality. Or underwear. There are reasons it's there; it does not "just get in the way."

Dire fates should not be wished upon: members of your family, directors who tell you to shut up and just say the line, boys who don't call you back for weeks (Jareth doesn't need the encouragement here. You may need to check to make sure that that's not why they haven't called you back, although doing so can lead to some fairly awkward conversations), or people who cut you off in traffic.

It is completely impossible to hold to any of the above while pursuing an acting career in Hollywood or Broadway. Don't even try.

Don't tell him truth hurts. It hurts like hell.

Chapter Four: The Power of Voodoo

The Escher Room is a bad place to wander into drunk.

Don't leave Dr. Phil tapes in the lower reaches of the Labyrinth. Positive thinking sermons are even more annoying when groaned.

Even if it means you have to hear "Magic Dance" seventy-three times during the course of his stay, do not be unnecessarily snarky with Jareth's friend Sweet. This includes serving tandoori chicken at the welcome feast.

Teaching the Helping Hands how to declare a thumb war can have repercussions you never expected.

Do not make disparaging comments about any member of the Endless. Ever. When Jareth answers your rhetorical question about where he gets his hairstyle tips, breathe deeply, attempt not to smirk, and then suggest he consult Desire next time.

Consulting Desire can have its consequences too.

"You have no power over me," while true, may not be the most tactful thing possible to say in the throes of passion.

...Unless specifically requested otherwise.

Try to limit the amount of promises you make, so you can take them seriously.

Do not allow Jareth to plan your little brother's Bar Mitzvah. Teenage boys are awkward at masked balls, and anyway you're not even Jewish, for crying out loud. Whose idea was that? Oh, right, yours.

Do not raise hell when you see Titania checking out Jareth's tights. He knows who those tights belong to, and that's the important thing.

Do raise hell if you catch her checking out your little brother's jeans. She's got what you might call a track record. (If you were being tactful. Which you should be.)

Do not raise Hell literally.

Just ignore Titania when she persistently and purposefully calls you "Sue." She's just jealous. See previous remarks re: tights.

Chapter 5: Living Up To Expectations

"Peaches" is not a cute pet name.

Asking him to sing "Rebel Rebel" to you when you're in the tub together will only be productive of bad feelings in your relationship and shampoo laced with green food coloring for Cousin David.

"Damn! I can never remember that line!" is not a good thing to say during your marriage ceremony. Even if you really couldn't. And even though it was funny.

Don't take any vows you haven't analyzed, memorized, and written on your heart a hundred times.

Even if he has kept you up with his crying for forty hours straight, wishing your firstborn into the mortal realm will not make your life any easier.

It's best not to mock your boys' attempts to talk to the TV when "Sesame Street" is playing.