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Busy. That’s what Siwon tells people when they ask him how he’s doing, which seems to be all the time these days. It’s easier than telling them how he really feels: exhausted, hurting, stressed, heartbroken. He wants nothing more than to cry for a good long time, but time is a commodity he doesn’t have at the moment. Ironic, he thinks, that the one thing money can’t buy is more time.
They’ve been filming Skip Beat! nonstop for the past few weeks, which has given him something to think about other than how weird this all feels. He focuses all of his effort into practicing lines, improving his blocking, and learning from the other actors and actresses he’s working with. During the day, things are fine. He works hard, and he laughs along with Donghae and their other costars. He and Donghae are exploring a new genre of acting, and it really is quite exciting.
And then… and then they’ll film a few segments with the other SJM members for Celebrity Tour Guides and everything will be thrown off kilter again. The new lineup feels weird, and jumping back and forth between drama filmings and variety filmings leaving Siwon feeling even more disoriented than usual.
They’re in Taiwan, exploring the night markets and new restaurants and the mountains, and the scenery is gorgeous. Siwon tests out his Chinese on anyone who will listen to him, and the locals thankfully find him endearing. His Chinese has dramatically improved since they’ve arrived, and he wonders why they didn’t do this sooner.
But then he’ll be scrambling for an expression and goes to turn to ask Han Geng what’s the best way to say what the fuck in Chinese except in something a bit more polite, and then… And then it will hit him that Han Geng isn’t there and that things are different and that one of his best friends has dropped out of his life forever.
But the cameras are still rolling so he plasters on a smile and says something dumb in Chinese that makes the MC laugh and the other boys groan and then they’re moving on to the next scene and everything is fine.
Except that it’s not, but they don’t have time for that now.
They finish filming for the night, and everyone climbs into the vans that will take them back to the hotel. Siwon climbs in first and sits by the window, and the rest of the boys climb in after him. Donghae squishes in next to him looking about as exhausted as Siwon feels. It’s his first acting gig since Attack on the Pinup Boys four years earlier, and Siwon thinks he’s doing marvelously. Yet the newness of it all is wearing on him, and Siwon knows he misses home.
They all do.
The manager shuts the van door before climbing into the driver’s seat next to Henry and starting the engine. They head for the hotel, driving through the brightly-lit streets of Taipei. Everyone is quiet except for Kyuhyun and Zhou Mi who whisper and giggle nonstop at some private joke they both share. They’ve been glued to each other’s side this entire trip, and Siwon can’t help but feel jealousy stirring in his stomach. He misses the days where he and Han Geng would giggle and whisper their way across China, Han Geng attempting to translate some Chinese joke into his broken Korean or laughing at the way Siwon would try to pronounce something in Chinese. It makes his heart ache, but he tries not to show it.
He feels a weight against his side and realizes that Donghae has fallen asleep on his shoulder. Siwon smiles despite himself and gently stretches his arm around Donghae’s shoulders to allow him a better sleeping position. Donghae readjusts slightly before his breathing slips back into that gentle rhythm that lets Siwon know he’s fast asleep. Siwon closes his eyes and tries to make the most out of the rest of their drive. Sleep is precious, and he needs every second he can get.
They pull into the hotel, and the jolt of the van coming to a stop wakes Siwon from his nap. The members disembark with suppressed yawns, and Siwon has to shake Donghae awake so they can get out. Donghae looks up at Siwon with bleary eyes before allowing himself to be gently pushed out of the van. He leans against Siwon as they walk into the hotel, and Siwon isn’t sure Donghae is even fully awake.
The managers call a meeting in their hotel room before letting them all go back to their own rooms to sleep. They run through the logistics for the next day: Siwon and Donghae have an early morning filming and will meet up with the other six in the afternoon to film some more. Siwon nods, groaning inwardly at the thought of another early morning, and finally, they’re dismissed. The others leave for their rooms: Henry and Ryeowook discussing a Taiwanese breakfast spot they’ll visit tomorrow morning, Sungmin and Hyukjae planning on sleeping in, Kyuhyun and Zhou Mi still giggling about who knows what.
Siwon and Donghae walk back to their own room, the last door on the left, and Siwon lets Donghae shower first. They’re both sweaty from the humid Taiwanese air and caked with makeup from a day’s worth of filming. Donghae gratefully accepts, leaving a trail of discarded clothes on the way to the bathroom. Siwon perches on the end of one of the beds and pulls out the room service menu. He’s hardly eaten all day on account of filming and suddenly feels ravenous. He orders a selection of things in passable Chinese, and the person on the other end of the line informs him that the food will be up in an hour.
While he waits for the food to arrive and Donghae to get out of the shower, he slides the door open and steps out onto the balcony adjoined to their room. The night has cooled down slightly, and a soft breeze blows through the curtains. Siwon looks out at the city below and takes a deep breath.
And then he starts to cry.
He’s so overwhelmed by so many things that he hasn’t had time to properly process. He’s so glad to be back with SJM again but it doesn’t feel the same without Han Geng. He’s excited to be filming this drama with Donghae, but it means that they don’t get to spend time with the others. He loves being back in Taiwan, but his Chinese is rustier than he had anticipated and by the end of the day his brain is fried beyond belief. He misses home, he misses his family, he misses the other members.
He stands out on the balcony, hugging himself tightly, and biting his lip as tears stream down his cheeks. God, please, everything hurts, I need Your love, he prays, squeezing his eyes shut to stop the tears.
He’s so caught up in everything that he doesn’t notice the balcony door slide open and Donghae walking up behind him until he feels warm hands sliding around his waist. Donghae presses against him, holding him close but saying nothing. Siwon grips the balcony railing and cries harder than he’s cried in a very long time.
At some point, Donghae gently turns him around to face him and hugs him tightly, letting Siwon cry into his shoulder. Siwon clings tightly to Donghae until his sobs subside into sniffles. He loosens his grip on Donghae’s shoulders and pulls back to wipe his eyes, but Donghae maintains his hold on Siwon’s waist.
“What’s going on?” he asks, his voice filled with concern.
There’s a moment of hesitation as Siwon contemplates what to do. He doesn’t want to add to Donghae’s burdens; after all, Donghae is more exhausted than he is. Yet Donghae looks up at him with so much sincerity that Siwon finds himself telling Donghae everything before he can stop himself. Donghae just listens quietly, nodding and blinking back tears from his own eyes.
“It’s just… a lot,” Siwon says finally, taking a deep breath to calm himself.
“It is,” Donghae says softly. He pulls Siwon close again, burying his nose in Siwon’s shoulder.
Siwon steadies his breathing and hugs back, his arms around Donghae’s shoulders. It’s nice, he thinks, to be held. As one of the tallest members, he gets hugged a lot but rarely is held with such tenderness as Donghae is holding him with now. He feels Donghae’s hands rubbing at his back and with each touch, the tension slowly escapes from his body. He basks in Donghae's embrace and lets himself be caressed and cared for.
“Thanks, Hae,” he says softly. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” Donghae replies, his voice barely louder than a whisper.
They stay like that for quite some time, holding each other close without saying a word. Donghae’s never been much for words, and that’s fine with Siwon. There’s not much he could say anyways that could make things better; just having him there to listen and hold him is enough.
“It’s going to be okay, Masi,” Donghae says finally, using the nickname the boys had given him eons ago.
Siwon smiles and kisses the top of Donghae’s head before breaking the embrace. “It will be,” he says, smiling softly. “Thanks, I needed this.”
Donghae smiles back. "Anytime."
There’s a knock on the door of their room, and Siwon remembers the room service he had ordered before his little crying ordeal. He hurries to the bathroom and splashes his face with cold water before answering the door, hoping it isn’t obvious that he had just cried his eyes out. The waiter says nothing, just sets up the dishes and nods politely once he finishes.
They make quick work of the food, and Donghae stacks the plates back on the tray while Siwon goes to shower. It feels good to wash all of the sweat, grime, and tears from his body, and he definitely feels a wave of tiredness sweep over him. He hurries to dry himself off and change into pajamas, noticing that Donghae has already fallen asleep on one of the beds. Siwon finishes his nightly skincare regimen before snapping off the lights. He walks over to the other bed, about the pull back the covers, when he hears Donghae mumble something.
“What was that?” he asks softly, leaning close to hear Donghae’s murmurs.
But instead of replying, Donghae just reaches out for Siwon’s arm and pulls him close. Siwon understands immediately. He chuckles softly before pulling back the covers and crawling into bed next to Donghae. Almost immediately, Donghae scoots close to Siwon, and Siwon pulls him against himself. He knows Donghae hates sleeping alone, and tonight, he’s grateful for the company.
Donghae falls back asleep almost immediately, but Siwon takes a few minutes before knocking out. He holds Donghae close and thanks God for showing him love in the form of Lee Donghae.
“Goodnight,” he murmurs into Donghae’s ear.
Tomorrow is a new day filled with new adventures and new experiences and new hurts, but the last thing Siwon thinks before falling asleep is that at least he’ll have Donghae by his side so that they can face the world.
Together.