Chapter Text
He's average.
He blends in easily.
He wasn't always like that, not before it happened.
He used to be special.
He still is.
It's just easier to keep it covered.
*****
"Dark, what's wrong?"
The seventeen year old boy doesn't respond.
"Dark?"
He throws his arms around his boyfriend, quickly soaking through his shirt.
"I love you," he whispers fiercely, salty tears running over his lips.
"I love you too."
He knows that, whether the words are spoken aloud or not. Even so, he's starting to lose the war raging in his head.
*****
Starmine sighs.
Laying in bed, he's aware that it's precisely 7:57 AM on Wednesday, January 16th, 2019.
Classes only start at 10:20 today, he has plenty of time.
He doesn't want to leave his cozy cocoon of bedding and face the harsh reality that lies beyond, but he knows he can't stay.
While he has no reason to live, he also has no reason to die.
He groans quietly, dragging himself from the snug nest of his bed. He shivers, a plain white shirt hanging two sizes too large on his somewhat slimmer than average frame, his only other clothing being his plain black boxers.
The hardwood floor is cool under his bare feet as he pads silently across the room.
"Morning, Starmine."
He flinches, startled by his roommate's quietly uttered greeting. He takes a small breath to recollect himself.
"Good morning, Edge," he replies unsteadily. He glances at the other boy, noting that it's been another sleepless night for the quiet ginger, who is currently sitting at his desk.
White Edge, his roommate is a soft-spoken person, kind and sweet, but shy.
He generally wears a particular white jacket, a long one going down to about his knees at the back, stopping at his waist in the front. Four large buttons hold it closed at the front, but he prefers to only fasten one of them.
The sleeves end a bit below his elbows, rolled up slightly so that the black interior is exposed.
Underneath he wears a gray polo most days, paired with comfortable black pants that end below his knees. Worn with his favorite somewhat beaten up yellow converse, it all comes off surprisingly casual.
His ginger bangs fall in his face and his almost shoulder length hair is usually held in a small ponytail.
Having grown up in the Philippines, he speaks both fluent English and Tagalog, though he tends to favor Tagalog. His Filipino accent is pleasing to listen to though, and doesn't obstruct his English so it's not at all a problem.
He tends to forget that sleep exists, often studying through the night or simply being unable to sleep in general. While it's a bit worrisome, he eventually does get enough rest so that he doesn't pass out or anything.
He doesn't open up much, but somehow he's acquainted himself with Receiver, an excitable video game enthusiast who'd grown up in Malaysia, and also Holy Lancer, a rather promiscuous male who'd grown up in Germany.
Despite being Starmine's roommate, they don't talk much.
At the moment, Edge is half dressed, his pants on as though he'd never changed, and his polo on but unbuttoned. His ginger locks are slipping from his ponytail, but he seems unaffected by it. He watches his roommate with silent curiosity through alluring blue eyes, wondering what's on his mind.
*****
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Seven.
Eight.
Nine.
Ten.
Eleven.
Eleven fresh cuts in his pale skin.
Starmine won't like this, he won't like it at all.
It hurts.
Everything hurts.
The seventeen year old drops to the cold tile of his apartment's bathroom and begins to cry.
*****
Starmine stares unseeingly into the bathroom mirror, brushing his teeth. His body moves only out of habit, his mind not focused on the task at hand. His thoughts aren't complete, only fragments tumbling inside him. He spits the sharply flavored mint toothpaste into the sink, nearly missing in his slightly unfocused haze.
"Are you okay?"
He jumps, catching Edge peeking around the door.
"You seem more out of it than usual," Edge tells him uncertainly.
He nods in response to his roommate's prior question, stumbling towards the bathroom door. Edge steps back, allowing him to pass, but still watches him carefully for a minute or two before disappearing into the bathroom.
Shedding his careless ensemble of nightwear, Starmine picks out a random shirt from his closet that's more or less his proper size, matching it with some plain fitted black jeans. He then throws on an oversized blue sweatshirt with the saying "Do the small things in all things" on the back, a random item courtesy of his sister. To finish, he pulls on his beaten up red converse, double knotting the old white laces.
He knocks on the bathroom door twice before barging in to brush his hair. Edge snaps to attention with a start, choking on the toothpaste in his mouth. The minty fluid dribbles down his chin as he hastily spits into the sink.
"Sorry," Starmine mumbles, offering a small hand towel to the sputtering and coughing ginger. Edge takes it gratefully with his almost inaudible thanks and wipes his mouth clean.
Fairly unfazed, Starmine drags a comb through his dark blonde hair, pulling the shoulder length locks into a small ponytail. His straight bangs still hang in his face, but he doesn't care and can't be bothered with them anyway.
Leaving Edge alone in the bathroom, he grabs his wallet, shoving it in the spacious pocket of his sweatshirt. He's about to leave but he hears his name.
"Starmine...?"
He turns halfway in acknowledgment, unable to meet Edge's gaze.
The ginger swallows once, gathering up all the courage he can for such an introvert. "Would you like to sit with us for breakfast?" he blurts before he can lose his nerve.
Starmine makes the mistake of meeting those stunning blue eyes.
Shaking his head in a hurried "no" he darts out the door, allowing it to tend to its own devices. His feet carry him to the cafeteria but he runs past it to the public bathrooms next door. He locks himself in one of the few cramped stalls, using his oversized sleeves to soak up the tears running down his face.
He won't let himself get close to anyone, not since it happened. He can't bear to have something like it happen again; he doesn't want to get hurt.
He's afraid.
*****
The cuts are bleeding.
He fumbles for the counter beside him, pulling himself up. Using soap and water, he quickly cleans his wounds, pasting band aids over them for the time being. Scarlet still blooms, but it's enough for now.
*****
He forces himself to stay quiet, but still lets his tears slip down his cheeks.
Edge reminds him of his old life and it hurts.
He's nothing like he used to be, the old Starmine was crushed when it happened.
It's not that he has anything against Edge, but he's terrified to reach out. They'd been in one or two classes together the previous year, and a few this year too, but they hadn't become roommates until the second trimester. So far they're almost halfway through their second year at Insert Edgy Title University for Musical Shits, located in Washington.
Caught up in his thoughts, he doesn't realize he's not alone until he hears the bathroom door burst open.
He hears laughter of a few voices he doesn't recognize as much. Probably older students then. In class he doesn't look at people, he can only tell them apart from listening to them. Even then, it's often by accents because the school holds students with all sorts of different backgrounds, and who've lived in all sorts of different places.
"Have you guys seen the new kid?"
"Nah. He's just a new freshman."
"They're all new, dumbass."
"No, I mean the kid who got here today."
"That's not helpful."
"Fuck you."
"Fuck you too."
"Oh wait are you talking about the kid with the eyes?"
"Wow, so specific."
"Stop being a sarcastic asshole."
"I'm not sarcastic, just verbally ironic."
"Shut up you guys. I'm talking about the kid with those green eyes. The unnaturally vibrant ones."
"Oh! That kid!"
"Y'all know what dorm he got?"
"666."
"Wait shit seriously?"
"Yeah."
"Next to that edgy kid?"
"Why are you so generic with describing things?"
"The edgy kid- Oh! You mean White Edge? Damn, I wanna take him so bad."
"Keep it in your pants, you pedo."
"I'm not a pedophile! He's a legal adult and only two years younger than me! You can't call me a pedophile!"
"Well he looks kinda small so-"
"You've seen his dick?"
"No-"
"Dude! Get me in on some of that-"
Starmine chooses that moment to fling the stall door open, his hood pulled on to shadow his face. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he pushes through the group with his head down. He takes his time washing his hands, and he can feel their stares on his back.
He doesn't care. He's discomforted by the way they talk about Edge, and he's curious about whatever new neighbor he has.
He's furious in a way he hasn't been for years. It's the same anger he used to feel when one of his friends was being disrespected in any way, especially Dark.
He's not strong enough to stand up to these boys like he would've in high school, but disrupting their conversation is enough for him.
He hates the way they talk about Edge, and he wants them to know it's not okay. He's not sure how to get that message across, but for now he's content with making them squirm.
For the time being, he doesn't give his actions a second thought.
*****
His body is so warm, entangled with Starmine's. They'd agreed not do this until they were both comfortable, and he's still uncertain. It doesn't matter though, he doesn't have much time.
It hurts him badly, but pain is flushed out with pleasure as he pulls his boyfriend closer, kissing him harder.
*****
He sits alone in the farthest corner of the cafeteria he can find, hunching over his hot scrambled eggs. He's barely touched them, stabbing at them with his fork. He didn't take a large portion; he simply isn't hungry.
He tenses as someone slides onto the bench, sitting across from him.
"We don't have to talk."
He would recognize that charming Filipino accent anywhere.
He chooses to keep quiet, but it's not awkward. Edge isn't particularly social so they eat in comfortable silence.
In truth, Starmine doesn't mind the ginger's presence. It's nice to not sit alone for once, even if he doesn't speak. There's an unspoken understanding between them.
At some point Edge's friends Receiver and Lancer join, thankfully not forcing him to talk, though they aren't excluding him from the conversation. Whenever they ask him something, he responds with a gesture, mostly nodding or shaking his head.
They end up leaving the cafeteria together, Lancer and Receiver splitting to go to their dorms, Edge walking with Starmine.
The dorm beside theirs has the door propped open, confirming what Starmine heard in the bathroom. He hesitates, watching the open doorway while Edge unlocks their dorm.
At the click of the lock, he snaps out of his trance, following Edge through the door.
*****
He's breathless.
Starmine lies beside him, their fingers intertwined.
His boyfriend whispers sweetly in his ear, but it only makes him feel worse about what he's planning to do. Guilt churns in his stomach because he knows how much he's loved, but he just can't...
Forcing himself to be calm, he relaxes, savoring every second he has left with his lover.
*****
Classes don't start for another half an hour or so, which results in Starmine staring at the wall while seated on his bed.
Edge is curled up on the white couch in the corner of the room reading a book, more specifically I'll Give You The Sun, by Jandy Nelson.
Neither stirs for a while, engrossed in their activities until Edge stretches.
"I'll be back. I need to go scream about this book."
Starmine nods idly in response as Edge leaves the room.
He's lonely.
*****
He ravages the cabinets, tears pouring down his face.
He hates to do this, yet at the same time he can't hold on any longer.
He cries harder as he pictures Starmine's smiling face, how those beautiful features would melt into despair while reading the note he'd left for his loving boyfriend.
His hands shake as he unscrews the lid of his antidepressants. A small knife is beside him. He has an alarming tolerance for poison, and he doesn't trust the pills to do the job alone.
He pours the bottle's contents into his cup of coffee. The little beads of poison disappear beneath the dark surface of the bitter liquid he despises so much.
Smiling one last time for his lover, he tips the cup's contents into his mouth, cringing as he swallows. He's trembling hard now, drowsiness weighing down his limbs. Still, he must carry through.
"I love you, Starmine..." he whispers, closing his brilliant green eyes as he slits his own throat.
*****
Starmine bites his lip, feeling for the locket that rests against his chest under his shirt. It's a simple thing, half a heart which admittedly is a little cliche, but he doesn't mind. He never did, and he never takes it off. It's the precious piece of Dark he still has that he can hold in his hand, the only one that's not just the longing and love for the boy in his heart.
He pulls it out, gazing at it longingly. He gently opens it, his breath catching at the picture within.
Dark.
His blue eyes fill with tears as he takes in features he knows better than anything, a person he loves more than anyone.
His heart aches, and it hasn't stopped hurting since it happened.
He can still remember the agony.
*****
His breathing is shallow; he's fading fast.
Vaguely, he hears his lover scream.
His vision is far too blurry to make out the world anymore, but he knows the fingers that clutch onto him.
He's numb.
It's okay, but he didn't anticipate having to leave Starmine with the older blonde being right there.
In a way, he is grateful to leave in peace, passing while he's with the one he loves most.
It hurts though, and he feels awful as Starmine's helpless tears drip onto his pale skin.
He's too weak to squeeze Starmine's hand, and his green eyes gloss with tears.
Moisture runs down his cheeks, he doesn't want to leave like this, he needs to be at peace.
His lips move slightly, unable to fully form all the words he wants Starmine to hear, all the apologies and gratitude and love he knows his boyfriend deserves.
Starmine hugs him tightly, sobbing inconsolably. His body is limp in his lover's arms.
Finally, peace embraces him, lulling him into a beautiful endless slumber.
Not before hearing Starmine's broken whisper.
"I love you..."
*****
Alone, he allows himself to suffer, drowning in his own soundless tears. He stares into Dark's gorgeous green eyes, remembering all the different expressions and emotions he's seen in them.
His mind zeroes in on Dark's small grave, simple and decorated with yellow flowers that he'd placed there.
September 19th, 1999 - September 19th, 2017.
Dark had killed himself on his 18th birthday.
Starmine doesn't know how long he sits on his bed crying, mourning for his other half.
Half of his heart had been buried with Dark's body.
Dark had been buried with the other half of the locket which held a picture of Starmine. The other half of the picture in Starmine's locket.
Finally, he can cry no more. He's numb, hollow. He knows he's helpless to do anything, and no one can ever replace his Dark.
He shuffles to the bathroom, thoroughly washing his face. Slipping the locket back under his shirt, he sprawls on his bed again, staring at the plain ceiling. He clears his mind completely so that he doesn't have to feel anything.
Instead he focuses on breathing. His eyes are closed as he takes deep inhales, then draws them out slowly.
In.
Hold.
Out.
Repeat.
In.
Hold.
Out.
Re-
A knock on the door.
He is still, preferring not to interact at the moment, but he knows he can't ignore it because whoever it is knocks again.
Cautiously, he moves towards the door. His hand rests on the cool knob and he takes a deep breath, preparing himself for social interaction.
He is ready.
He hesitantly opens the door.
And he screams.