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It was Tuesday, just before dawn, and the Buzzfeed Unsolved crew was packing up the last of their equipment on the way out of Arizona.
It was a full moon, pale blue light spilling over the camera equipment and the rocky sands around them that stretched for miles. It was lovely, but chilly enough that patches of snow decorated the rocks on this desert night, all of them bundled up in layers. Ryan cursed the cold. It was a relatively normal tear-down.
Or it would’ve been, at least— if it weren’t for a small creature that lurked nearby, watching them.
It wasn’t enjoying the frost in its mottled fur and, attracted to the warmth of the generator that’d powered their lights and their laptops, it had curled itself up around the rumbling machinery. It napped on and off throughout their shoot, enjoying the thrumming electricity and the faint, acrid scent of the gasoline that powered it.
But when everyone was tearing down the set, T.J. headed to the generator to power it down, readying it to return to the car— and the creature awoke with a start. It scampered away to hide in the patchy desert brush just in time, T.J staring at the rustling scrub brush and dismissing it just as easily.
The creature stared heartbroken as its warm mechanical nest departed— and then made the decision to skitter after. It kept to the shadows, even in the incandescent full moon light; deep in its bones, even now, it knew to cling to the dark, the unknown.
The generator was packed up, locked away from the creature, but following led it to find that the idling car was even warmer. It slinked up into the undercarriage, curling and coiling around the rumbling pipes, and fell back asleep with a hum of satisfaction.
It was still napping when the ghoul boys finished up and hopped in.
The car took off for the main road. The side road was uneven and rocky, the car bumping over rocks and washboards, rattling and rumbling. No one was enjoying it— creature or human alike.
The creature awoke when a rock skipped into the undercarriage and right into the leathery skin of its back, knocking it right out of the car and back onto the cold road..
Right in time for the the back tire to run it over, making the SUV bounce and then jerk.
The creature hissed, but it rebounded like rubber, scrabbling its claws in the air until it hooked onto the back of the car.
“Oh shit, did we hit something??”
Ryan rolled down the window, peering through to look at the road behind them, an empty, bare ribbon of asphalt disappearing into the dark.
“Maybe a rock? Might’ve skipped off the road. Hey, as long as we don’t have a flat.” Shane said, scraping a hand over his face blearily.
The creature perked at the voices through the window and the warmth coming from inside, but Ryan rolled it back up before it could crawl in. It growled in frustration, skittering back to the undercarriage with a hiss that’s lost to the desert night. Finding something a little softer than the rest, it began to gnaw its way through.
The drive would be several hours long. It'd have time.
Finally popping up into the trunk, the heat of the interior made its scales instantly curl up in pleasure. It crawled right back up against the generator, eking out those last waves of warmth, and as the boys bickered it listened, contented.
___________________________________________________________________
Driving back into Los Angeles, the boys pulled up to Buzzfeed HQ mid-afternoon. All they had to do was unpack the equipment, get it all checked in, and the rest of the day could be a wash. Since they’d filled their quota for the week, they could probably even go home; maybe even catch up on a few hours of good honest sleep.
Ryan hefted a pelican case of equipment in each hand.
“C’mon, let’s do this fast, I wanna go home.” He said, the battle cry of every office worker.
Shane laughed as he reached for the generator, the creature startling and curling as small as it would go to cling to the underside of the beast as it was jostled out of of the trunk. Wheels hit the ground, Shane grumbling as he nearly clipped his toes, but it settled into the rumble of hardened rubber rolling against concrete soon enough.
Everything else was unfamiliar and startling, but even cooled down as it was, it loved the generator. And it’d listened to the boys the whole drive home, their playful banter becoming a comforting lullaby. So it stayed with them.
They dropped off the equipment upstairs, but when Shane wheeled the generator to a halt, the creature scampered into the shadows under the table and watched them suspiciously from its hiding place.
Ryan stiffened when he heard the rustle, turning.
“You hear that?”
“C’mon, Ry, the shoot’s over. Thought we were done with that.”
But still, he turned when Ryan did, and they both paused as they saw… something. It hissed and skittered under the teleconference equipment.
“Holy shit— what was that?!”
“Possum?” Shane offered.
“Ugliest possum I’ve ever seen.”
“All possums are ugly. It’s part of their homegrown charm.”
All talk aside, when they both took a step forward, it was timid at best.
“I think… maybe we dragged it in from the desert.” Ryan said, “Are there desert possums?”
Shane knelt by the conference bay, peering into the shadows. The creature stared back at him, eyes large and darkly reflective in the dim. It looked scared, and Shane softened.
“We have to help it out, Ryan.”
“No we do fuckin’ not.”
“It looks terrified— I think it’s a baby? It’s got these huge eyes. I don’t know what it is. C’mere, look at it.”
Ryan frowned, inching a little closer by Shane’s side. He studied the creature, his brows furrowing.
“Ugly as sin. Look at all that patchy-ass fur. That ain’t no possum.” Ryan said.
Shane hmm’ed, deep and thoughtful.
“Maybe some kinda radioactive jackrabbit?”
Despite his words, Shane gently reached out a hand.
‘Hey little guy, you scared? You’re pretty far from home, aren’t ya?”
The creature took a tentative step forward, giving Shane a careful smile. The only thing was, that smile was built of rows and rows of teeth like a shark, glinting sharp.
Ryan shrieked, and Shane stumbled back to fall flat on his ass.
“El Chupacabra!” Ryan whispered, sucking in a horrified breath.
“...Huh.” Shane said, puzzled.
“Fuck, oh fuck they’re real, look at it— !”
The chupacabra cocked its head at them, curiously. Shane watched it. His brows furrowed.
“...We need a plan.”
“Do we?? Because I was planning on just leaving it the fuck alone.”
“We can’t just leave it here in the conference room. I mean, look at those chompers. What if it eats somebody?”
“They— it-- just eats goats. I think.”
“That is only if it’s a chupacabra, Ryan. Highly, highly doubtful. What if it’s just some mutated hornytoad frog, missin’ its family? All we’ve got to do is catch it, and get it back to its natural habitat."
“Or, you know, just... call Animal Control?” Ryan said, a little dazed.
Shane considered this, slipping his phone out of his pocket. He started to google the number when he noticed the chupacabra… watching him. Its pupils dilated, gaze steady on the glass screen— on Shane’s fingers. He knew, rationally, that the creature didn’t know what he was doing. It was a creature.
But all the same, it relaxed when Shane slid his phone back in his pocket and when it relaxed, the prickling unease in Shane’s spine did, too. It was fine. Right? They could probably handle this on their own, anyway. No need to call in Big Humane on one tiny critter.
“...C’mon, we’ll split up. You go left, I’ll go right. And we’ll…” Shane trailed off, taking inventory of the conference room. The creature seemed to know what they were planning and slunk to the left, trying to get out from under the shelf, coming closer to Ryan.
Ryan screamed, and threw a piece of chalk at it.
It bounced off its head.
The creature blinked huge dark eyes at him once. Twice. It looked offended. The streak of white chalk dust on its forehead only added to the effect.
And then it flopped down on the floor, and started to cry. Soggy little high-pitched whimpers, like the whine of a kicked puppy.
Ryan froze.
“The hell, Ryan.”
“Aw— aw, oh, fuck— sorry?”
Ryan frowned, slipping down a little lower. He crouched awkwardly beside the creature’s hidey hole.
“C’mon, little guy, you, uh. You just scared me, with those teeth of yours. Oh, jesus, all those teeth. You’re not, uh, planning on eating us, right?”
Shane kneeled down on the creature’s other side, reaching out a hand. It scooted forward, a timid skitter of a motion, and then ducked its head under Shane’s fingers. Shane gave it a tentative little pat, studying it now that it was in the light.
“... Y’know, I’ve changed my mind. Not a mammal, or toad. It’s more... lizardy.” Shane said thoughtfully, using his thumb to gently brush off the loose chalk. He was staring at it, his mouth pinched in a way that meant he was stuck on something.
“‘S got scales under its fur, I think, and I’m… not a hundred percent sure that’s supposed to be a thing? Also, I think it’s a girl. Or a Stephen Gammell drawing. Anyway, does it look like a ‘Gertie’ to you?”
“Wait— like a… cow?”
“Yep. Lookit those big dark soulful eyes.”
Ryan did not think they looked soulful (more like a soul-eating void, mostly) but he was trying to think of an appropriate analogy for what he did think they looked like when a knock sounded at the door. Shane, Ryan, and Gertie all straightened up in unison.
The chupacabra hissed, and Ryan covered its mouth with his hand automatically before remembering the teeth and jerking away. Skidding to the door, he opened it just enough of a crack to peer out.
Steven smiled brightly on the other side.
“Ryan! Shane’s with you, right? Lunch is catered today— come get some!”
Steven held up a bag of grease with a colorful logo, and god did it smell wonderful.
Ryan frowned.
“No thanks, Steven, we’re… working on something.”
“Psst. Ryan. Ryan! What if you-know-who is hungry?” Shane mock whispered from the corner.
“What are you working on?” Steven straightened a little to try and peer over Ryan’s shoulder, but Ryan closed the door a little more, glaring back at Shane over.
“I’m guessing that’s not its... usual diet,” he shot back, and Shane laughed in response.
“Oh, yes, I almost forgot. But good gracious, Ryan, where are we going to get goat’s blood in Los Angeles? And on a weekday—”
“What was Shane saying? Blood?” Steven tried to peek past Ryan again, but Ryan muscled him back with a weak smile.
“What! What. No. Just bl— bl… lloons…. Balloons. For a party.”
Steven’s eyes lit up even as they widened, “You remembered my birthday!”
Ryan winced internally. He’d completely forgotten Steven’s birthday was coming up soon.
“You— you got us, Steven! We're working on a surprise. For you. But it’s not a secret if you talk about it, right?”
“I’ve never had a surprise party before!” Steven said.
Ryan eyed the the bag.
“...We’re gonna borrow that, though. We’ll, uh, we’ll definitely owe you.”
He held out his hand.
Steven blinked. “...My lunch?”
“Yeah! We're starving.”
“Can’t plan without carbs, Steven!” Shane called out from behind him.
Ryan grabbed the bag from Steven’s hands, closing the door and jabbing the lock before leaning back against it heavily.
“...Bad news, Shane. We gotta plan Steven’s birthday party now.”
“I think that’s worse news for Steven than it is for us.”
Ryan shoved a palm against his eyes and then pawed through the bag, the rustle of paper bringing the chupacabra to quirk up onto its hind legs in curiosity.
Shane smiled. “Well, seems like she might be willing to eat it.”
“Well, of course, it’s fuckin’ delicious. ...You think it’ll like the chicken nuggets or the burger better?” Ryan said, coming back to sit cross-legged beside Shane on the conference room floor. He unwrapped the burger, and set it on the ground in front of them.
The chupacabra sniffed the air, inching a step forward, watching them. It hovered, steps away, but didn’t seem to be willing to come any closer.
Ryan pursed his lips, and pushed the burger towards it with a single finger. He winced and snatched his hand right back as the chupacabra opened its mouth though, drool running down every shivering, glistening row of teeth.
It reached out a paw.
Ryan and Shane watched in matching shades of horrified fascination as it dug a single curved claw into the beef patty, dragging it out from between the buns to snatch and shove it into its mouth whole.
“...I think it’s fuckin’ jaw just unhinged.” Ryan said, faintly.
It slurped, and chewed, and swallowed. And then, it looked at them expectantly for more.
Ryan frowned, pawing through the bag, but the only thing left was a small box of chicken nuggets. He gave the container a shake and opened it, studying them dubiously.
“I mean, it likes goats... and cows, I guess, so… it’s gotta like chicken too, right?”
Shane shrugged and reached out, snagging a nugget and flicking it like a coin towards the chupacabra. It leapt, snatching it right out of the air.
“Oh, clever girl!” Shane smiled, surprised but somehow strangely pleased, and the chupacabra preened, straightening up in alertness. It waited as Shane dug out another. Ryan got in on the bit pretty quickly, digging out a few plastic tubs of sauce and peeling back the wrappers. The creatures nails clicked on the poured concrete floor excitedly at the noise, nostrils flaring.
Ryan stared at it for a long, long moment, then swallowed and shook his head. He gave a rueful smile. Might as well get into it.
“You know, Shane, I think Gertie just might be a boy. You like barbeque or honey mustard better, little dude?”
“Ah, yes. The two genders: B-B-Q and honey mustard,” Shane said. He dipped a nugget into the barbeque sauce and set it down in front of himself neatly.
“Eat this if you want me to call you my daughter.”
Ryan rolled his eyes even as he dipped another in honey mustard.
“No no no, eat this if you’re my son— Shane, this so fuckin’ stupid-”
“Shh, she’s moving.”
It slunk forward, sniffing each of them. Shane lifted his nugget to wave it tantalizingly, wafting the powerful scent— and regretting it immediately as she snatched it from his fingers, weirdly jaggy teeth grazing dangerously across delicate skin Shane really needed.
“See? Daughter. Gertie prevails-”
The chupacabra preened again at Shane’s words, then reached over to snatch Ryan’s nugget as well. It slurped the honey mustard sauce right off the floor with a side swipe of tongue, scraping over the concrete audibly.
Ryan and Shane frowned.
“Don’t know why we thought that would work.”
“We just don’t have enough varied sauces for a truly scientific test,” Shane shrugged.
They let the matter drop for the moment, and Shane and Ryan alternated dipping nuggets into each sauce, the chupacabra snatching them out of the air one by one. Its naked tail swished in the air, and Ryan watched with furrowed brows.
“I feel like we should be getting a picture. Livestream or something. Shouldn’t we be recording this?”
“Look, Ryan, I don’t think it even came from the desert. I think she might just be a sewer rat with a fierce case of mange. Look at her tail. Those things can get huge, you know.” Shane said thoughtfully.
Ryan scoffed and slid his phone out of his pocket, right as the chupacabra swallowed down the last of the nuggets, throat shifting around the lump like a snake before forcing it down with a hacking sound. It settled pleasedly and looked around the room— and positively grinned at Ryan when the light glinted off his screen. It tensed down into an unmistakable pouncing position, and Ryan jumped a step back reflexively.
“Oh shit oh shit— what’s it doing?”
Shane shrugged, considering.
“I don’t think she likes phones. Or, alternatively, she likes them very, very much— ”
It lunged, and Ryan screamed. He scrambled backwards as the chupacabra took chase. They toppled rolling chairs and left the whiteboard hanging cockeyed in their wake as they raced in panicked circles around the conference table.
Shane watched.
He was going to take a step towards the door, open it for Ryan, but at Ryan’s last desperate vault over a chair the chupacabra caught up with a lunge and bowled Ryan right over, and they both crashed behind the table out of Shane’s view.
Shane straightened up, trying to peer over the other side.
“...Ryan?”
No answer.
“Ryan, buddy, are you dead?”
Shane took a slightly more nervous step forward. He peered around the side of the table.
Ryan was flat on his back on the ground, eyes wide, edges of white all around pupil.
The chupacabra gave him a single raspy lick on the cheek.
“... Am I dead?” Ryan echoed, hoarsely.
The chupacabra snatched Ryan’s phone out of his limp hand with its teeth, and chomped down on it. Glass cracked in the quiet room. Gertie made a face, letting the broken plastic fall out of its mouth.
“...Think it was looking for dessert.” Shane said.
“Better that than my face, I guess.”
The chupacabra nuzzled Ryan’s neck, whiskers tickling and Ryan went dead still.
“What is it doing now?” He said, voice strained in an effort to stay frozen.
“You fed her that burger, before. It’s probably imprinting on you—”
“I can feel its tongue, Shane.” He hissed.
“Oh, relax, you big baby. It’s great news. You’re a mama bird, Ryan!”
It went in to lick again as if agreeing with Shane, but Ryan made a face, steeled himself and sat up. It flopped into his lap instead, and decided it was good there, curling into a ball to settle in.
“There. There we go. Let’s just let it go the fuck to sleep, and then we can carry it back to the car and head back to the desert.” Ryan said.
It flicked its tail, made a weird scratchy noise in its throat, and spat out a chunk of phone plastic onto Ryan’s thigh. The weird noise kept going, though.
Shane cocked his head.
“...I think it’s purring.” he said.
“Is that what that is? I told you, I think we should call Animal Control.”
“So they can take her away and do experiments? Never. Not my daughter. Besides, I’m not taking out my phone within twenty paces of those teeth. This snazzy color’s a limited edition, baby.”
“Fine. Fine, so when do you think it’s naptime for the, uh… precious... baby? We need to smuggle it out of here quietly.” The chupacabra hopped right out of Ryan’s lap balefully right on cue, flicking its tail playfully like it disagreed entirely about the whole naptime deal.
Shane raised a brow. “Not anytime soon, looks like.”
Ryan gingerly straightened up, now that the chupacabra wasn’t at his throat. He examined the creature with a purse of his lips.
“Kinda looks like it wants to play.” Ryan said, almost grudgingly.
“Does it? You read cryptid body language now? Did that come in the Unsolved manual somewhere?”
“You should know.”
“Oh, nah, I didn’t read that thing. Denser than a Dan Simmons novel. I prefer our whole bit where you just tell me the important stuff. Besides, where’s the fun of learning on the job, Ry—”
Ryan picked up the whiteboard eraser, hefting it in his hand thoughtfully. “Gertie, fetch!”
He tossed the eraser at Shane, who caught it automatically, and the baby chupacabra lit up and took chase. Shane made a whooping sound of panic and stumbled backwards before even remembering to drop the eraser, raising his hands like a paradoxically giant spindly spider under arrest. The chupacabra pounced on it, ragdolling it in its sharp teeth before bounding back to Ryan. Ryan held out his hands.
“Good boy!”
But the chupacabra just... kept chewing, sharp rows of teeth tearing into the soft flesh of the eraser. Shane and Ryan cocked their heads in unison as it chewed, and then swallowed. Only then did it spit the remainder into Ryan’s frozen waiting hands, just a few damp scattered pieces of pressed cardboard.
Ryan made a face and shook his hand out over the wastebasket.
The chupacabra perked up, waiting for another.
“Um. All out. What else we got?”
Shane scooped up some dry erase markers, and started to juggle them. The chupacabra watched, entranced, hopping up and down.
“Y’know, maybe we could play a bit. Tire her out. Be easier to smuggle her out, then.” Shane said. The chupacabra cocked its head like it was listening. But when Shane tossed a marker, it pounced excitedly, and then changed course to chase another marker that Shane threw before it could tear apart the first.
Ryan grinned, sitting down across from Shane, and they took turns entertaining the chupacabra.
To be fair, it entertained them in turn, doing flips in the air and preening at the attention. And after a little while, it even started to slow down, just as Shane predicted, coming to a stop to cock its head at him.
“What?” Shane said, raising both brows at it. It yawned, big and toothy and slow, and then dove into Shane’s lap, and curled up tight.
Shane blinked, and patted it on the head gingerly. It yawned again, gaping and wide and just all teeth, just a truly unholy and uncalled for amount of teeth— and then closed its eyes. Its tail twitched, once.
“Oh. So you’ve chosen me as your favorite, haven’t ya, you cute lil moldy chinchilla?” Shane cooed. He gave it another pat, but it was already sleeping, tail twitching idly to and fro.
“What do we wrap him with?” Ryan asked after a moment.
“Something warm, probably. It’s chilly outside.”
Ryan looked around the room, but it was just a conference room. Of course there wouldn’t be any blankets. Shane was only wearing a button up. Finally, he frowned and slowly peeled off his own hoodie, as if he was pissed by the injustice of it all.
Shane smiled, just a little. “You ever swaddled a chupacabra?”
“I truly, truly loathe that I had to hear that sentence, Shane.”
They ended up doing it together, gingerly lifting spindly limbs to wrap Ryan’s hoodie around it. Shane fiddled with a few moments longer, making sure it wasn’t wrapped too tight and tugging the hood down gently while murmuring something that sounded like “stealth mode, baby,” as Ryan cracked the door open and peered out down the hall both ways.
“Clear. Now let’s get the fuck out of here.”
They hurried down Buzzfeed’s halls, about as fast as they could run without jostling the swaddled creature awake. It was pushing evening already and most of their coworkers were gone, but they could still hear some milling about, laughter echoing across the open floor plan.
They flew down the stairs and nearly collided with a whole gang of them. Jen, Kelsey, Nikki and Garrett stared back.
“You boys look guilty as fuck. Whatcha up to?” Kelsey said, casually.
“Oh, hah, you know. Research, boring crap.” Ryan plastered on a work-weary grin.
“What’s Shane holding?” Jen said. She lit up, “Oh, whoa, did you guys smuggle a puppy into work— ” She stepped forward to lift the hood and Shane took a step right back in perfect time with her motion.
“Unhand him. This is my son.” Shane said, haughtily enough that they listened, all taking a step back.
“It’s a haunted doll. Don’t touch it, it’s... super… cursed,” Ryan lied, badly.
“You guys are really weird sometimes.”
“Should probably think about taking a vacation, huh?”
But the others continued on into the kitchen, and Ryan and Shane took the lucky break to bolt for the parking lot. They hopped into Ryan’s car, Shane holding the sleeping chupacabra snugly in his arms— it wasn’t as if they had a pet carrier just lying in wait, and besides, they were half afraid the bars would just make it hulk out.
“...You think I’m gonna get some sort of weird mad cow disease?” Shane asked, but he didn’t sound concerned, as they pulled onto the highway.
Shane pulled out his phone carefully, eyeballing the sleeping critter all the while, and when it didn’t stir an inch, he hooked it up to Ryan’s car.
He fiddled with it for a moment, setting it down as the tinkling opening chords of ‘Mr. Sandman’ filled the car. “For a lullaby.” He explained, when Ryan stared at him.
“...Oh my fucking god, Shane, really? Are you enjoying this?”
“Yep.” He turned it up.
Ryan didn’t give him the satisfaction of fighting it, and just started to sing along with him instead. Gertie’s tail twitched in rhythm with the song, a bald metronome, and they sped along the empty highway to the acapella croon of the chorus.
……
They made it to Arizona just before the sun started to rise, dripping pink light over the rocks. Gertie napped the whole way, snugged into Shane’s chest. It only bit him once in its sleep and didn’t even break the skin, so Shane counted that as a solid win.
They shut off the car, and Ryan came around to gently, gingerly pry the chupacabra from it’s sleepy deathgrip on Shane. He walked out a few feet to open ground, setting it down as it stirred.
“Okay, so... Be free, little dude.”
Gertie cocked its head.
“Well, c’mon, critter. Don’t you got somewhere to be? A home? A family?”
Gertie straightened up, and made a high-pitched, raking noise. Ryan and Shane furrowed their brows. It cocked the raggedy bat-ears on its head like little sonars, perking up.
It jumped once in excitement, and took off. Shane and Ryan waved.
“Goodbye, Gertie!”
“Thanks for not eating us!”
Ryan and Shane stared out over the slowly stretching shadows of the desert, watching the little creature lollop across the rocky plains. It was almost majestic. Ryan wiped a pretend tear from his eye.
“They grow up so fast.”
“...We were good dads, right?”
“Oh, hell no.”
“Eh. We tried.”
Gertie turned and angled to run a little to the left, and the two boys realized in horrified unison what it was running right towards. But it was far too late to stop it as it ran headlong into a stray mountain goat—
— toppling it to the ground with a self-righteous yodel. It buried its face into its side and started sucking. The silent desert night quickly filled with the sounds of teeth gnashing and dying animals. Goats were loud. Shane and Ryan were uncomfortable.
Shane and Ryan blanched, backing away slowly.
“...We should go now, right?” Ryan said.
And then from the patchy bushes all around Gertie, other chupacabras started to pop up like some demonic whackamole, dozens coming in from the scrub brush at every side, nuzzling the small creature. Gertie gave a blood-soaked, pleased yowl. Family. Reunited.
Then, slowly, as the motion ripples through the ragtag mass, every single one turns beady eyes Ryan and Shane’s way.
“Yeah. We should definitely go.”
“Don’t— don’t run, though.”
They mostly listened to their own advice, skipping backwards and stumbling over one another as they made their way back to Ryan’s SUV, Shane jabbing the lock button for no rational reason as Ryan cranked the ignition.
The sunrise was beautiful in the rearview mirror, pink and orange and palest purple spilling over the plateau, and they saw none of it as they peeled out of the desert.
As Arizona and all her monstrosities faded behind them, asphalt unspooling under the tires in an endless ribbon as the sun started to bake it into rising twisting coils of heat. Shane finally broke the silence once it truly felt safe.
“...You know how we call’em “herds” of cows? “Murder” of crows, all that?”
Ryan looked at him out of the corner of his eye, taking in the absent twitch at the corner of Shane’s mouth that meant he had something he dearly needed to share.
“...Yeah.”
“I think we got run out by a whole commotion of chupacabras, back there.”
Ryan gazed at him balefully for a long, exhausted moment, reached out, and turned on the radio as loud as it would go.