Work Text:
Waking up in the body of a man in ancient China was the last thing Gregory House expected when he opened his eyes. What was less unexpected was having a healer come over both in regards to the sickness his predecessor had and how bizarrely he was behaving afterwards.
"It's a pity that you don't have a MRI for this," grumbled House as the healer Mu Qingfang seemed to be checking his wrist for something.
Mu Qingfang stared at him. "Did you use to work in a hospital?"
House narrowed his eyes. "Yes. You're not from around here, are you? I mean on the inside."
"Are you from . . . are you from the Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital?"
House smiled for the first time since he arrived in this strange setup. "Yes, I am. Wilson, is that you?"
Mu Qingfang slapped himself on the forehead. "Of course, it would be you! You're House, aren't you?"
"The one and only. When did you get here?"
"Years ago. I actually woke up here before I began training as a healer in this . . . fictional representation of ancient China."
"I just arrived. I would've come earlier but I made a promise to Thirteen that when things got too bad for her, I'd help her shuffle off her mortal coil. Then I kicked the bucket myself."
"Do you have any idea how we ended up in this place?"
"I think I do. This place IS a fictional representation of ancient China. It's based on an online novel that I was reading. Utter trash, total crap. While I was cursing out the author mentally, I was eating a bad burrito and here I am."
"Why are we here?"
"Do you hear a voice that tells you what to do?"
"I have a voice called the System but it's completely uninformative."
"I figured as much. Mine tells me I have to fix this novel into something that's not garbage and . . ."
"And?"
"One of my current students is going to grow up to be a mega-overpowered demon overlord and going to go on a murder spree that includes me and everyone on the Peaks because the person I replaced was a mean asshole to him."
"So, basically we're doomed."
"Not necessarily."
"I've seen you with your medical teams. I've been your friend for how many years? Your student is going to massacre us."
"Maybe I can transfer him to your Peak. You've always had way more patience than me for . . . people."
[No, that's not allowed. I will deduct enough point to send you back to your world if you do.]
"Crap," said House.
"What?"
"It's telling me that I can't do that."
"Yeah, it does that. Look, maybe I can help you . . . teach him in a way that doesn't make him homicidal."
"You always were a sucker for lost causes."
***
Yue Qingyuan frowned as he had tea with Qi Qingqi. "Do you think he has changed much?"
Qi Qingqi knew of whom he was asking. "I find him just as mean and savage with his words as ever. The rudeness! He said I was hot, whatever that means, with a leer!"
"He has made friends with the Peak Lord of Qian Cao Peak. They never used to be so close . . ." He felt a pain in his chest.
"Perhaps after a dreadful illness, he is interested in preventing a recurrence."
"His teaching methods have changed. He is not as interested in punishment as he was before though he does not hesitate to insult them. He does lectures that enthralls them. Often, he goes out with a trio of students with him, usually Luo Binghe, Ming Fan and Ning Yingying."
Qi Qingqi said, "We already tested him for possession. I am sure that he will do something cold and unfeeling and you will soon be the only one who cares for him again."
***
"What do you think is going on with this patient?" said House as he stood against the wall while his student trio looked at the patient who seemed to be suffering from sudden weakness on one side of the body, loss of balance and severe headache.
"Is it qi deviation?" said Ming Fan.
"No, it is not qi deviation. Try again," House said. I swear qi deviation is the new lupus, he thought.
"Is it possession?"
"No, we ruled out supernatural causes. Ning Yingying?"
"Is it a stroke?"
"Yes," said House.
"What is the treatment?' said Luo Binghe.
Wilson stepped forward and said, "Fortunately, proper use of this herbal medication and application of qi can help to restore brain function. Also, he will have to retrain his body and mind to work."
"Is there anything unusual you need help with?' said House. "This one was more for them than for me."
"Not today but the instant I see a case that I can't solve, I will send an assistant on a sword to get you."
"You do that. Want to have lunch at my bamboo hut?" He took his friend to the side and said in a low voice, "Luo Binghe actually managed to figured out how to make pizza."
"Pizza? Really?!"
"Don't tell me that you don't miss pizza . . ."
"I'll be there."
***
"Yue Qingyuan has been very lenient with you. And I thought Cuddy was soft," said Wilson before he took a bite of Luo Binghe's amazing reproduction of pizza that tasted like it had cheese and tomatoes despite not having either.
"I know. I wonder if he really liked the original or if the original had proof he repeatedly banged goats. I'd guess he actually liked him though nobody else seems to. It's like a cat owner who loves the cat that scratches her, poops in her shoes and knocks over all her fragile collectibles. It's . . . ineffable."
"Do you ever wonder where our predecessors went?"
"They both were sick at the same time we popped in. It seems that we got shoved in after the first two died. Maybe they're reincarnated in our world or a Jane Austen novel. No way of telling."
"So, how is teaching Luo Binghe going?"
"I had him move into the hut because the other boys were bullying him in the dorms. I gave him a real cultivation book so he wouldn't get a qi deviation. I actually asked him if he wanted to try any of the other peaks, telling him that I knew my teaching wasn't exactly . . . gentle and kind. He started to cry and asked me what he had done wrong. He's . . . What's the term people use around here?"
"Sticky."
"Yeah, like super glue sticky. Look, if I can't dodge the bullet then I'm going to at least make sure nobody else gets hit. I'm going to take full responsibility." He remembered the upcoming Abyss incident and he couldn't figure out a way to get enough points to avoid it.
"Is there something you're not telling me?"
"I'm just saying that I know this is all a book but it's a book full of people who don't deserve to get killed."
There was a long silence.
"Mind if I have another slice."
"Go ahead."
The End