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Matteo has always felt sad. Sometimes, he wonders if he’ll ever be able to remember a time when he didn’t feel like this - didn’t feel this overwhelming sense of loneliness draped over him, like a dark cloud he couldn’t get rid of.
He knows his friends notice, sometimes. He knows that they care, but at the same time he’s angry at them, because they know how he feels and yet nothing changes. And then he’s angry at himself because his friends can’t be expected to fix this, because nobody can. Maybe Matteo’s just broken.
He almost never feels like himself, even though he looks like himself. Everyday he gets up, wears a different variation of the same outfit, smokes a joint and drags himself to school, but it isn’t real. He isn’t really there - he talks, a little, and gives a reluctant half-smile whenever one of his friends makes a joke, but everything feels so fake. He feels too fake.
Sometimes Matteo wishes he could just disappear. He wishes he could just curl in on himself and that he’d vanish completely from view. He feels too big, too present, too seen. It’s like this feeling is never going to go away and that scares Matteo, more than he cares to admit.
He feels fake. With every kiss he shared with Sara, or every stupid comment he makes in response to Jonas or Carlos or Abdi making a suggestive joke, he feels himself sink deeper and deeper. But the worst part? He thinks that even if he did confront that feeling, that feeling of oh my god, I like boys, he still doesn’t think that the feeling of being too big would go away.
He wants to lie in bed, for hours on end, undisturbed, and do nothing but sleep.
And then he sees him.
—
He’s beautiful, and Matteo aches to know what it would be like if they kissed. He tells himself that’s not him, he’s not like that, but he can’t stop thinking about him.
David, he says, when they share a joint at the meeting. His name is David, and he’s perfect, with his brown eyes and dark hair and long eyelashes. Matteo can’t be enough for him, he knows, but he wishes he could try.
He catches himself staring every so often, like if he looks at David enough he’ll find the courage to grab him, pull him in so that maybe he finally feels whole.
Relying on David, though, isn’t fair. Matteo knows that this problem is too big for any one person to take on alone, and he wants to scream that, to yell to his friends, his teachers, anyone, he wants to scream, “I’m hurting, I’m in pain, I can’t do this alone, can’t you see me?”
Yet every time he tries to broach the subject, he chickens out. Because his best just isn’t good enough. He isn’t good enough.
—
The lights flash above his head and bodies tangle together and people laugh and flirt and he wonders how it can ever be so easy. How it can ever feel like that, to feel free and accepted and loved. He hasn’t felt like that in a long time.
His friends, he knows they must love him, but he doesn’t feel like it, and he never even thinks to ask them for reassurance, because he’s scared of that word, the word he throws around so casually but that secretly, belongs to him.
He can’t breathe - he can’t breathe, he’s drowning, he’s drowning, but then David is there. David is there, and he’s wearing a white shirt and his eyelashes fan over his flushed cheeks and Matteo burns with want.
“You look good today.” David says and Matteo wants to record him saying it, wants the words on an audio recording. Ever since they met at the Abi meeting and shared a joint, Matteo has wanted to hear David’s voice for every day of his life.
“Everything is just fucking me up at the moment.” Matteo replies and it’s the wrong thing to say, he should just smile and say thank you or make some noncommittal grunt but he doesn’t want David to say it if he doesn’t mean it, so he offers, “I didn’t even know you had a girlfriend.”
The relief he feels when David says Laura is his sister is indescribable. It’s unfair, he knows, because David isn’t his, he doesn’t belong with Matteo and if he had a girlfriend, Matteo would’ve had to grow a pair and deal, but he doesn’t. It’s relief and fear rolled into one feeling, when David starts to lean in.
He feels a pull, an electric force between them as he tilts his head, desperate to meet David’s lips, but then Alexander and Mia are bursting through the door and shouting and just like that, the moment is gone and Matteo feels empty again.
He shuts himself in his room and cries, and then smokes a joint and passes out, ignoring the way his heart beats faster when he thinks about how close he was to kissing a boy. But if he’s going to kiss a boy, he wants it to be David.
—
And then suddenly, he’s with David again. They’re running, away from Sara and Leonie, and though he knows it’s an asshole move, he can’t bring himself to feel guilty because he suddenly feels free. As his legs pedal faster and faster, getting closer to wherever David is taking him, he thinks he doesn’t care where they go, as long as it’s with David.
He can hardly breathe, but it’s good, he feels good, especially when they’re clambering off their bikes and he gets to walk next to David again. Their arms brush up against each other and he feels a shiver go through him when he remembers what nearly happened last time they were together.
He follows David, without even questioning what it is that’s so exciting, and then they’re standing in a pool, big and spacious and so open that Matteo feels like he’s awake, again. He wishes he could always feel alive when he’s awake.
David says they’re underwater, and Matteo hates being vulnerable or making jokes in case he gets laughed at, but he does a half-hearted movement of swimming, and is rewarded with David’s beautiful smile when he does.
“That means we actually can’t breathe.” David says, and Matteo nods, because he knows the feeling. “I bet I can hold my breath longer than you.” Matteo shakes his head teasingly, wanting to protest against David, but he goes along with it anyway, taking a big inhale of air.
David copies him and then they’re staring at each other like two kids, desperate to prove the other wrong. He jolts suddenly, trying to scare David into releasing his breath so that Matteo will win - and then David’s kissing him.
It’s more of a peck, really, so chaste that the pressure is barely there, but Matteo can’t breathe.
“I won.”
“Rematch.”
They mimic their previous actions, but this time, it’s Matteo who makes the first move. They stand, watching each other, until Matteo’s leaning in, his hands coming up to cup David’s face, their lips moving together like they were meant to be, and Matteo burns hot, tilting David’s face to where he wants it, wanting desperately to slip some tongue in - and then, again, they’re interrupted, this time by a very angry looking guard and an even angrier looking dog, and they book it, Matteo shouting that they should go back to his place.
They stumble in through the door and he’s relieved when he sees that nobody is around, people either working or asleep or out with friends, and he pulls David into his room, where they stand, staring at each other expectantly.
“I- are you hungry?” Matteo asks, because he can’t think of anything else to say.
David shakes his head and Matteo knows, humming affirmatively, before he’s moving closer, pressing David into the wall, and then they’re kissing again.
It’s so good, it feels so good, and he walks them back to the bed, where David breaks their lips apart and sits, expectantly looking at him. Matteo can’t help himself - he climbs into David’s lap, and tilts David’s head up and it’s like his heart is going to pound right out of his chest.
He keeps his hands firmly on David’s cheeks because he doesn’t know how far David wants to go or what he wants to do and if he’s being honest with himself, he’s perfectly fine if they just kiss. Then hands tug his hair and he lets out an honest to God moan and yeah, there’s no way he’s denying that he’s gay now, because this is very, very gay.
He thinks he wouldn’t mind, actually. Suddenly, sitting here, kissing David, Matteo thinks he wouldn’t mind telling his friends who he is, telling everyone who he is, that he’s with David - that David is his.. boyfriend?
He’s not sure, but then David’s tongue slides across his lower lip and his full attention is back onto the task at hand.
—
He wakes up feeling happy. That’s something Matteo hasn’t experienced in a long time, something he’d thought he might not ever experience again. He knows that it’s because of David, but indirectly, also because he thinks he might be able to be honest with himself about who he really is.
David stirs awake and Matteo tenses suddenly, wondering if he regrets it. He’s filled with that awful fear again, when he thinks about what he’ll do if David regrets it. Regrets them, whatever they are now. He knows they’re not friends, but he also doesn’t think David is his boyfriend. He doesn’t think he cares, he just wants to be with David either way.
“Hey.” He whispers softly, though he can’t help the childish smirk that overcomes him as he begins prodding David’s side until the boy turns to look at him. He’s looking at Matteo like Matteo’s fucking hung the stars or something and Matteo wants David looking at him forever, but also he’s terrified, because he knows that he’s not enough.
He’s not sure if he’ll ever be enough, but he pushes the thoughts away, cupping David’s face and bringing him into another kiss. This one is soft, slow, with his hand resting in David’s hair and the soft sighs mixing with the sound of gentle rain outside filling the room.
They talk a little, about philosophical shit that Matteo pretends he doesn’t find interesting but actually, he wants to talk about it all the time. The stoner stereotype that he’s had flung upon him means that it’s easier to just be what people expect, instead of actually giving a shit about something.
He gives a shit about David, though.
“Is being alone so bad?” David asks, and his voice is more subdued now. The question makes Matteo shrink in on himself, because he knows it’s weak, but he hates being alone.
“Yes.” He answers, and he knows he sounds stupid, the way his voice cracks a little when he thinks about all those hours he’s spent alone in his room, hidden away from the rest of the world.
He doesn’t want to think about it, so he gracefully accepts the joint David passes him, and ignores the phones ringing below them, and the way he never wants to leave the room.
—
He breaks up with Sara. Over text, like a coward, and she tells him as much when she ambushes him by his locker. He can’t bring himself to care until she says what he’s terrified of. Until she asks him if it’s because he doesn’t like girls.
His anxiety washes over him all day, filling up all the way up until he remembers that he’s meeting David, at the cryptic location he’s been sent - which matches David perfectly well, he realises. He likes mysterious.
He tells David he’s broken up with Sara, because there’s ‘this guy’ and then he leans in to kiss David, filled with happiness. He can’t believe he’s this lucky.
“Not here, okay?” David whispers, and it hurts a little, but he gets it - he knows what it’s like to be terrified of people thinking bad things about you, people judging you, but he also knows that he wants to shout that he loves David to everyone who’ll listen.
He doesn’t want to hide but he’s also terrified of anyone knowing who he really is, knowing that he likes David, that he’s into someone who isn’t a girl.
But, at the same time, all he wants is to be able to hold David’s hand when they walk. To be able to lean over and kiss him during lunch time, or share food like the nauseating couples he’s seen before.
He knows that people at his school wouldn’t mind too much, right? They’ve got a few gay people, and there’s a couple, two girls, and everyone likes them. So it wouldn’t be a big deal if Matteo was gay, too.
But that might scare David, and he would rather have to hide, but be able to kiss David than to be public and not have him at all. He wants David for a long time, he thinks.
—
But in the end, it doesn’t matter, because David pulls away. He texts Matteo, tells him to leave him alone, that he’s not into him. Matteo knew it, of course he did; how could anyone really be interested in him? He wasn’t prime boyfriend material - Sara was a perfect example of that - and David’s… well, perfect. Matteo isn’t.
He tells Jonas anyway, though. He’s tired of hiding, even if David doesn’t want him anymore. So he tells Jonas, and tries not to cry when his best friend doesn’t care. He tilts his head up to the sky as tears fill his eyes and ignores the way that he can’t believe Jonas doesn’t care. That Jonas still loves him.
Though his crush on Jonas is gone now, replaced with the all-consuming something he feels for David, he thinks that he’s glad Jonas was the one who made him realise who he is.
He’s not sure, but he sort of likes who he is now. There’s still days when he wakes up and everything feels hopeless and lost and he just wants the feeling of being loved, but there’s also days when he wakes up and the fog has cleared a little, and everything feels a little easier.
He manages school a little better now. He’ll never be Amira, who’s practically a genius and studies almost everyday, and he also won’t ever be Jonas, who gets great marks without even trying, but he’s.. well, he’s Matteo. He makes half-hearted notes and glances over them every once in a while, and attempts his homework occasionally, and his grades won’t be brilliant, but they’ll be his.
He reaches out to David, anyway, because he wants to be there for him, if David will let him. That’s kind of all he’s ever wanted, ever since he saw David for the first time in the hallway.
—
And then, after agonisingly long without him, David is there, moments after he’s just kicked out his friends so that they can be alone.
They need to talk, that much is obvious, but for now, the relief is so overwhelming that Matteo just melts into David’s embrace, feeling like he’s come home after so long. There’s so much he wants to say, but he doesn’t know how to form words and his tongue feels like a heavy weight in his dry mouth.
So he takes David’s hand and leads him to his bedroom, his thumb rubbing over the soft skin to let David know he’s not expecting anything, that they don’t have to do anything.
When they lay down on the bed, facing each other, he can’t help but move his head slightly, mirroring his actions from that time in the kitchen. It feels like lifetimes ago, but he knows the moves well, like a movie replaying in his head.
David tilts his head up and Matteo moves down and then they’re kissing. It’s gentle, like it was the very first time, more pressing their lips together than anything else but Matteo can’t help but sigh, because it feels so good. He reaches out his hand to touch David but stops, because he doesn’t know if he’s been given permission yet. Doesn’t know if he’s allowed to touch.
David grabs his hand by the wrist, his grip strong but not enough to hurt, and then moves Matteo’s hand until it’s resting at the back of his neck. They move in time, together, until Matteo pulls away and manhandles David until the boy is sitting in his lap. And then they continue kissing, and it’s everything.
He feels everything.
—
The next morning, he wakes up with his body pressed against David’s back, and he resists the urge to sigh, because he wants to wake up like this every single morning. His hands come around David’s body and he wants to pull David closer, wants to be as close as is humanly possible. He wants to crawl inside David and be safe and warm there.
He can’t, though. Because despite what happened last night and how he feels, there’s still things between them that they need to talk about. He still needs to think about what he wants. Does he want to be out, with David?
A month ago, no. He would’ve been terrified even at the thought of being seen in a couple with David.
But now? Now he thinks he might like that. He thinks that it doesn’t feel like he has a boyfriend and that he would kind of like to know what it’s like to have one. He wants to be with David, and he thinks maybe he wants people to know how much he loves David.
He doesn’t know why he loves David, in that there’s no specific reason. There’s just thousands and thousands of little things that he loves more than anything.
But then David pulls away, again. Matteo thought they were past this, past David shrugging off his affection and keeping things from him.
Standing by the window, it seems like David is too far - just out of reach, and Matteo can’t be with him, no matter how much he desperately wants to.
Even when he goes over, presses his head into David’s shoulder and mumbles a hushed question into the soft wool, he still feels like he and David are parallel lines that can never cross.
Matteo hates himself for shouting then, shouting that David will just fuck off like he always does but part of him means it. Part of him wants David to choose him. He just can’t ever understand what it is that means they can’t be together.
He cools down when they’re sitting, when David starts talking about how some boys are just boys but he isn’t, and Matteo is so confused, his head spinning with thousands of thoughts and he can’t contain them.
“I’m transgender.” David says, and suddenly, things click into place.
“So you’re-“ he starts and regrets it the second David swiftly interjects, shaking his head, the pain in his eyes evident. Because no, he isn’t.
He’s David. David who Matteo loves, who Matteo wants to be with forever.
He feels like he’s floating, looking down at himself and he wants to scream at himself for not reassuring David, for not running after him and telling him it’s okay. Because Matteo loves him no matter what, he doesn’t care about the other stuff.
Instead he just sits, staring into space, as David shuts the door and leaves.
—
Things get worse before they get better.
But he sees his mom. Tells her he’s in love, with David. Because he is, he knows that now. He just wishes he knew where David was, so he could tell him.
People know, now. People at school know and Matteo wants to shout at them all to leave David the hell alone because he’s not different, he’s the best person Matteo knows.
But he also knows this isn’t about him, and that David can decide what he wants.
Then, they find each other again. In the pool, which is sort of perfect because it’s the first place that they kissed and it’s where Matteo first let himself feel comfortable with the idea that he is into boys. That he’s gay.
He doesn’t articulate how he’s feeling quite as well as he would like, because he starts by saying “What the fuck?” when he sees David there, sitting on the makeshift bed against the wall.
He tries again, shouting to David that he’s here now, and David doesn’t need to be scared anymore, because he had people who love him, who’ll protect him.
He has Matteo, now, and he doesn’t need to be scared.
“Because-“ Matteo pauses, biting his fingernail and then turning away, muttering “because I love you.” Part of him hopes David doesn’t near but the other part of him really hopes he does.
He does, of course, and when he smiles Matteo feels full and loved and strong.
They kiss and David tells him he loves Matteo, too.
—
He’s nervous. Of course he’s nervous, because he’s never done this before and he doesn’t know what David wants or if he’s going to be good at it.
“I’m nervous.” He admits, swallowing harshly and letting himself be okay with the way his voice is wavering.
“I am, too.” Somehow that makes everything better, because he and David are always going to be like this. They’re always going to be joined like this, always knowing each other.
It goes, embarrassingly, quicker than Matteo might have liked and it’s awkward and they laugh at each other and Matteo fumbles with the condom for almost a minute until he sighs and thrusts it at David in defeat. It isn’t picture perfect like the movies - it’s not some monumental thing with perfect lighting and a beautiful soundtrack to match but it’s theirs and Matteo likes it so much better that way.
—
He thinks David is beautiful all the time, but he’s most beautiful when Matteo looks over and sees him bathed in sunlight, his face softer in sleep, eyelashes fanned over his cheeks. He’s the most attractive boy Matteo has ever seen.
But Matteo is Matteo and he needs affection constantly, so he elbows David in his side and grins as he mimics David’s half-hearted protests. He pulls on David’s hair gently, pulls him into a kiss and puts David’s hand where he wants it. They smile against each other and he resists the urge to go for round two as he plays with David’s hair on his chest.
They talk for a little, quietly, amongst themselves, and Matteo is thankful that David is patient, willing to answer his questions and willing to talk about himself. Matteo wants to know everything about David, but he’s happy just listening to what David wants to share with him. He loves David’s sister - Laura is great, and she smiles at Matteo and it feels like home, like family.
He thinks of his own family - messy, broken. Maybe one day he’ll talk to David about it, but for now he wants to be in this moment.
—
The end of school comes quicker than he had ever been expecting. He stands with his friends as they wait for David to finish talking to the PE teacher and give said teacher appropriate looks of disgust when he comes out of the office.
David retakes his exam and Matteo flings his arms around him as they blast each other with confetti guns and generally make an absolute mess of their school. They stand hand in hand as they listen to Jonas sing, and then they sit against each other in the darkness, talking.
He thinks about what he has planned for the future when Hanna asks. Things haven’t changed, even though he’s with David now - the future still scares him, it’s still this massive, scary fog that he has no idea how to get through, but he doesn’t need to think about the future.
“Life is now. With you.”
—
The Abiball goes as Matteo had expected. He’d had to resit an exam, but he passed (with David’s help, of course, though David keeps telling him that Matteo is the one who did the real work).
He feels a little out of place at the ball, because, even though he loves David with everything he has, he’s still depressed. David is just a person, not a cure, and though David does everything he can, Matteo’s illness is still his.
He knows it makes him irrational and confusing sometimes and that sometimes he’s angry with David or forgets that David loves him or feels alone even though he knows people love him. He knows that sometimes it makes him a hard person to love, but David does, anyway.
Despite the problems they face and stuff that goes on between them, David loves him anyway. And Matteo loves David, too, even when it’s hard and he’s terrified. Because that was the promise he made all those nights ago, laying and looking at David, asleep. A promise that he made to himself, without David even knowing.
He promised that he would always love David, would always keep trying even when things seem like they aren’t working or Matteo thinks he’s going to explode. A promise that no matter what happens, he’ll always be in David’s life.
But if he’s being totally honest with himself, there’s no doubt in his mind that he will always be in David’s life. He remembers a quote from that show Hans is obsessed with about the singing teenagers, and he doesn’t remember it exactly but it’s something about seeing a person and thinking, “Oh, there you are. I’ve been looking for you forever.”
He never understood it before, always thinking it was stupid and cringy but he understands it now. He’s understood it ever since he first locked eyes with David and it felt like coming home.
It doesn’t matter what happens now, he thinks. They win Prom King and King and he pretends to be angry but actually, he’s kind of super happy that he gets to show people how much he loves David every single day, even if it’s as subtle as giving David the last piece of chocolate or kissing his cheek when David says something smart (which is the majority of the time).
They go travelling together, and he’s hot and uncomfortable almost all the time but he’s with David, and that makes it all worth it.
He’s been looking for David forever, and now he feels whole.