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"Peace be with you." The words were even softer than they had been earlier that evening, and Peter almost thought he detected the slightest hint of a smile in Joshua's voice.
Peter rolled over and sat up, letting the outer cloak he had been using as a blanket fall behind him on the bed. "Rabbi?" The hesitation he felt owed partially to the sleep that still clouded his eyes, but even though Joshua had appeared to them only hours before, he also still felt a measure of disbelief that what he had seen - and what he was seeing now - could possibly be true.
Already only an arm's-reach away from Peter, Joshua moved to sit beside him on the bed before either of them spoke again. "Don't you believe, after everything you've seen? The Holy Spirit is with you now, Peter, and with the rest of your brothers and sisters. Have faith."
Blinking in the dim light, Peter stumbled over his feet as he moved to light the small lamp that sat on a table beside the bed. He needed to place some distance between himself and Joshua. "Rabbi, I do believe." He felt his heart racing. His words from only a few days earlier rang in his ears. Why can I not follow you now? I will lay down my life for you. He had been so confident then, ready to do whatever Joshua might ask of him. He had failed so completely. He wanted his faithful words now to be true, but he felt doubt in the core of his soul - doubt of himself as much as of anything else that had happened in the last few days.
The lamp now filling the room with a faint but steady light, Peter watched his own shadow moving on the floor as he shifted on his feet. He could feel calm and familiar eyes on him, and he felt stripped bare. When he saw Joshua begin to stand, he looked up and hesitantly caught his gaze. "Peter, do you know that I love you?" He closed the distance between them with a single step.
The unexpected words began to calm the nausea that had been rolling through his stomach. "Yes, Rabbi."
Joshua moved a hand to the side of Peter's face, running his fingers through the neat curls of his beard. "You have seen and trusted. Now touch, Peter, and know." He laced the fingers of his other hand through Peter's, pressing them together.
Peter closed his eyes and exhaled deeply. He turned his face into Joshua's hand and gasped quietly when his lips touched the smooth, raised patch of scar tissue in the center of his friend's palm. Joshua pulled his other hand and placed it on his side, just above his hip. He slid it carefully under his tunic, holding it in place over the scar in his side.
Leaning in close to his ear, Joshua whispered. "Peter, do you know that I love you?"
The sound of his own heartbeat filled Peter's ears like a drum. Only a few days ago he had been ready to pack up his few belongings and return to Capernaum. The last few wonderful years had come down around their heads in flames, and like the king whose doom had been foretold by the prophet Daniel, he himself had been tried and found wanting. Joshua had been killed like a common criminal. Returning to a life fishing in Galilee, unimaginable a month ago, had truly seemed the most viable option. But now Joshua was here with him. His skin was warm and moving and alive under Peter's hands, and for the first time since he had betrayed his closest friend, he felt loved and worthy of love. "Yes, Rabbi."
Closing all remaining distance between their bodies, Joshua leaned his forehead against Peter's. "All the things I've done, I've done for you. Peter, do you know that I love you?"
Peter removed his hand from Joshua's side and wrapped his arms around him in a loose embrace. "Yes, Rabbi. I know."
He kissed Peter softly on the brow, then stepped back and out of his arms. He smiled with the easy half-smile that had been a fixture in Peter's life for so long. "Then do not be afraid. You are loved, and I am always with you."
He turned his face and closed his eyes, a slight smile finding its way onto his own face. When looked back up, he was alone in the room. The guilt that plagued him was starting to subside for the first time since the night at the high priest's house. His confidence in him own faith was still shaken, but he had never been more certain that in spite of everything he had done, he was beloved.