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Steve didn't often feel jealous.
He felt it, sometimes, before the serum. Watching the boys play outside while he was stuck in bed, weak and sickly. He wanted to be more like them. ‘Jealousy,’ his mom would say, getting him away from the window, where he sat for hours watching other kids play, ‘is not a good look on you.’
She thought him to be grateful for the things he did have.
Then after the serum, there was that time he thought that Howard and Peggy were a thing. But even that hadn’t lasted long, mostly due to the fact that they weren’t, in fact, a thing.
So, maybe Steve didn't often get jealous, but he did recognize the feeling.
Especially lately, when it just wouldn't go away.
Granted, there were a lot of things to be jealous of when it came to Tony Stark. His wealth, his genius, his good looks... To name a few. Steve was never jealous over any of those.
No, what made Steve's fists clench and his chest constrict, was when some gal or guy found the way to get Tony's attention. Or when they spent the night in the Tower.
Steve didn't want to think about what they were doing back at Tony's penthouse, but it didn't take a genius to figure it out. Especially when Tony came down to breakfast the next morning all ruffled and with a loopy smile.
Steve hated it, really.
Which wasn't like him at all. He was always happy and supportive of his friends when they found someone.
Not that that was what Tony did. Steve never saw any one person twice and he felt guilty about how glad that made him feel.
He was really starting to feel pathetic, watching once again as Tony flirted shamelessly with a group of young, obviously charmed, people. Steve's mind couldn't help but wonder which one of them Tony would bring home with him tonight.
Whiskey felt bitter on his tongue and not for the first time Steve regretted his inability to get drunk.
The fundraiser they were attending was nice, he could at least admit that much. The gala they were in was enormous, ceiling barely visible, mirrors covering walls that weren't already occupied by windows. Steve stood on a raised platform near the bar overlooking the room. It wasn't the best position, considering...
He felt something, or rather someone, sliding up next to him. Natasha signaled the bartender and then turned so that she was facing him. “Enjoying the party?”
“Yes,” Steve lied. He felt bad about it as soon as her knowing smirk made an appearance. He really should know better than to lie to her.
“Well, Tony seems to be having fun,” she said, looking at him intently. He tried not to let any emotion show on his face.
“Good for him. What about you?” he asked casually, trying to change the subject.
“I would be enjoying it much more if I didn't have to look at your moping face.”
“I'm not moping,” he said but signed when she just raised an eyebrow at him. “Fine. But what do you want me to do about it?”
“Go talk to him,” she said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
“It's not that simple,” Steve said, looking (or, well, glaring might be more accurate) at how some guy was clinging to Tony as if he wanted to jump him then and there. And it wasn’t like Tony was doing anything to dissuade him, if the way he rested his hand around the guy's waist was any indication. Said guy was even whispering something in Tony's ear and Tony was laughing and it made Steve hurt all over. It was only his perfect control that was keeping him from rushing over and punching the guy in the face. That would probably end badly for everyone involved. He could already see the headline 'Captain America punching innocent civilian because of jealousy'.
Natasha grabbed him by the shoulder and turned him around so that he was facing the bar. It didn't really help because there was a mirror behind the bar (of course there was...) and Steve could still see Tony's easy smile directed at the other man. “Okay, you really need to stop with the glaring, people will notice,” Natasha told him, her voice stern but sympathetic.
“You're right, I'm sorry,” he signed and turned sideways so that he was looking at her (and if from the corner of his eye he could still see the two figures pressed together laughing, nobody had to know).
“Like I said, you need to talk to him Steve. This is getting out of control and you know it will affect the team.”
“What do you want me to say to him Natasha? Sorry, can you please stop flirting with other people in front of me, it's driving me crazy and makes me want to punch everyone who’s ever touched you?” he hissed and only then realized how much he actually confessed, but it didn't look as if Natasha was surprised by any of it.
“That might be a start,” she smirked.
Steve shook his head. “You know I can't do that. He knows how I feel and if he's doing this in front of me, that just proves that he doesn't care,” he sneaked another glance at Tony and was surprised to find him already looking at Steve, while the other guy had his hand on Tony's chest and was still whispering in his ear, Tony's own hand still sitting low on the man's hip. Their eyes held for a couple of seconds, seconds where the world around them seemed to freeze and Steve couldn't breathe and... And then Tony looked away, looked at the man still clinging to him and said something that made the other guy laugh and Steve couldn't help but think it was a fake laugh, just like everything else about the man seemed to be fake, in that artificial way people seemed to be these days.
“What if he doesn't?” Natasha's words pulled him back to reality and he looked at her.
“What?”
“What if he doesn't know how you feel?” she asked.
Steve frowned. “He must, I don't think I'm exactly subtle.” In the beginning, when they were still learning how to be friends, Tony would even flirt with him. Flirt in a way he did with everyone, but once Steve started reciprocating, Tony would go all weird and awkward and would turn everything into some lame joke. And Tony was always talking about them being friends, and how great it was, and yes, Steve could get a hint, friend zones were a thing even in the 1940s.
“Steve, look,” Natasha started and the seriousness in her tone was what made Steve really pay attention because it wasn't the usual blank seriousness she wore like a blanket, it was laced with feelings and understanding, the likes of which she rarely showed. “Tony, he... well as you might have realized, he likes to portray himself as this arrogant, egotistical person who only cares about himself, but... I think we both know that's not the truth. He's self-destructive and insecure. Probably even more then we realize because he's very good at hiding any kind of weaknesses...“
“I know that.” Steve interrupted her. “But what does that have to do with this?” In all honesty, Steve didn't like to think about Tony thinking he's not good enough. It made Steve's chest hurt even more than jealousy did.
“Steve...” Natasha said in a soft voice. Steve didn't like it at all. “Steve,” she hesitated then, as if unsure whether she should tell him something or not. It was another thing she usually didn't show and Steve was glad to see her be so open with him. “I'm not sure I'm the right person to tell you this but I have a feeling Tony won't and you need to know.”
Steve frowned. Whatever it was, it sounded more serious than Steve originally thought. “You can tell me Natasha.”
She swallowed. “What do you know about Tony's relationship with Howard?”
The sudden change in topic made Steve frown in confusion. “Uh, not much. I think Tony mentioned once they didn't get along?”
“They didn't,” Natasha confirmed. “In fact, as far as I know, they had a really unhealthy relationship. Tony would do anything to impress Howard but even when it was obvious the kid was a genius, he never was good enough for his old man.”
“How...” Well, that would explain why Tony tried so hard even when he didn't have to, and acted as if he had to earn his place in the team even when he did so a thousand times over. But... “Why... I mean, how could Howard not see what an amazing and brilliant person Tony was...is?”
Natasha’s expression told him he really wouldn't like the answer. And boy, was that an understatement. “Because of you.”
“Me..? What? What do I have to do with any of that?”
“You can't really compete against Captain America now, can you? Especially when you're just a kid,” she told him.
“But why would Tony need to...” And then he realized. “You mean to tell me that Howard measured Tony up to me? That's ridiculous.” The idea couldn't even form shape in Steve's mind. How could someone, least of all his own father, think that Tony was not as good as, or even better, than Steve.
“I know, but I guess Howard never really got over your disappearance. You were... a perfect success, and I guess Tony... at least to Howard... wasn't.”
The thought made Steve so angry that he had to force himself not to think about it. “So what you're saying is... Tony doesn't know I have… a crush...” and saying crush was a big understatement, but Steve wasn't ready to say anything more aloud “...on him, because...”
“Because he doesn't think he's good enough for you to love, yes,” she finished and Steve's heart broke. Also, the way she said the word love, so simple, like it was the most obvious thing in the world, eased something in his chest.
They sat like that, in silence, for a couple more minutes until Steve was strong enough to ask. “So what do I do now?”
Natasha smiled, any vulnerability she might have shown earlier long gone. “Like I said before... talk to him.”
“What, now?” Steve's eyes winded. He glanced over again at where Tony still didn't move from his position being wrapped up in the other guy's embrace (and Steve was really starting to hate that guy).
“Yes, now. Go rescue him from that evil guy's clutches.”
“He doesn't look like he wants to be rescued.” Steve murmured, looking at how Tony's arm started to move up and down the guy's forearm. All the hope that Steve didn't even realize sneaked up on him, suddenly left, leaving him empty.
“Here we go again,” Natasha signed ordering them more drinks even though they hadn't finished what they already had. “Listen, those one night stands mean nothing to Tony. Why do you think no one ever stays for more than one night? They're meaningless to him.”
“And I wouldn't be?” he asked, his own insecurities making an appearance.
Natasha shook her head. “No way. You could never be meaningless to him.” Steve smiled at her gratefully but she wasn't done. “Listen, whether he realized it or not, Tony does have feelings for you. You just have to help him get his head out of his ass and accept it as inevitable that you two belong together.”
Steve laughed. “Thank you Natasha. I don't know what I would do without you.”
“You'd probably punch someone,” she winked. “Now go get him.”
Steve took a big breath and then slowly let it out. “Okay, yeah, I can do that.”
“Go already,” and she pushed him out of the chair.
He walked down the stairs separating the platform he was on from the rest of the room in a daze. He thought he should have probably waited another time because Tony was still taking to that other guy and Steve felt awkward. But before he could back off, Tony lifted his head and looked straight at him, raising a questioning eyebrow. 'No backing away now, he already noticed me' was Steve's last thought before he was standing in front of Tony and the guy.
Tony didn't stop looking at him as Steve neared and when the guy noticed Tony's attention was no longer on him, he looked up annoyed. When he saw Steve, however, his eyes widened and he stepped away from Tony. Tony, who didn't even notice, still staring at Steve as intently as he would study a particularly bothersome equation he wanted to bend to his will.
It made Steve's throat close up and his heart skip a beat but he managed to say. “Can I talk to you for a second,” then looked at the other guy meaningfully, “alone?”
The guy didn't even wait for Tony to confirm, just walked away from them, as if afraid he would get punched by Captain America if he stayed.
At that, Tony looked annoyed. “Can't you see I'm busy? Couldn't this wait?”
“No, Tony,” Steve said.
“Why not?” Tony asked, irritated, but Steve thought he could see cracks in the carefully constructed mask Tony always wore in public. There was nervousness there, and maybe something else.
“Because I want to talk to you now.”
A flash of anger crossed Tony's face. “Well, if my Captain wants to speak to me, I have to drop everything I'm doing so that he doesn't have to wait.”
“No, but fortunately for me you weren't doing anything...” he glanced in the direction the other guy went before looking back at Tony. “...interesting.”
“I'll have you know it was plenty interesting.” Tony said. His face was blank and Steve wanted to crack it again, to see the real Tony behind the mask.
“I just think you could do better.” He closed the space between them, and they were close, so close, not yet touching but even a minimal shift could bring their bodies together. “So much better,” he whispered. “Don't you?”
Tony tried to hold on to his glare but the proximity seemed to be affecting him. “No,” he whispered, so quietly, that if they weren't standing so close Steve would have surely missed it.
“Why not, Tony?” Steve asked. He knew he was treading on dangerous ground but he couldn't help it. “Why don't you think you're good enough,” for me was left unsaid.
Tony closed his eyes. “What do you want from me, Steve?” the words were sharp, but in a way that showed vulnerability behind it.
“I want you to see yourself the way I see you.” Steve said, painfully honest.
“And how do you see me?” Tony opened his eyes. They seemed to hold on a challenge Steve was happy to accept.
“I see the most amazing person I have ever met. Kind, generous, brilliant. Someone who would sacrifice himself for others, for a better future. You think those other people, that guy you were just with, see you for who you really are? They only see your money, Tony, and your looks. But you are so much more than that. You're everything. Everything, Tony, that's good in this world.”
Tony's eyes were shining with unshed tears and when he laughed it was broken and bitter and sad and everything Steve wanted to erase from Tony's voice. “I'm nothing more than broken, Steve,” he said, self-hatred in his voice cutting deep into Steve's heart.
“We're all a little broken, Tony. That doesn't define us. You're perfect despite being broken and it's that that makes you the man that you are. Lesser people would have crumbled long ago but you still stand and fight. You care about what happens to this stupid planet even when it hurts you over and over again.”
“Well, I do live on this stupid planet so really, this whole saving thing is totally selfish,” Tony said, but there was no heat behind it, no true feeling. As if he was fighting this for the sake of it, or because that was the only thing he knew how to do, as if he had to tell himself he was a bad person until he didn't know how not to say it.
“You can lie to yourself Tony but you can't lie to me.”
Tony's face hardened. “Why do you care?”
“Because I love you, dammit!” Steve said, and the word love wasn't even hard to say. It was as easy saying it, as it was hearing it from Natasha.
Tony, on the other hand, was left speechless, maybe for the first time since they met each other. He was staring at Steve like he was trying to discover the secrets of the universe hidden in his face.
Steve signed. “I thought you knew. Hence the whole...” he waived his hand, not being able to say flirting with everyone in front of me thing. “I thought you knew and that you... didn't care. Or were trying to tell me to back off... I don't know what I thought. I was too jealous to think properly.”
Steve hoped the admission would get a reaction out of Tony, but he was still staring at him, not moving, not saying anything.
“Tony, I'm sorry. I'm sorry it took me so long to tell you, sorry I was a jackass who couldn't see past his own jealousy. Sorry it took me so long to talk to you, to tell you everything I wanted to tell you for so long.”
There was pain now, in Tony's expression, but he still didn't say anything. This was the longest Tony had ever been quiet and Steve hated every minute of it. “God, please Tony, say something.”
Tony broke his stare and glanced around. Some people were staring at them openly, some less so, but nobody was close enough to hear what they were saying. Tony swallowed. “Steve.” And his voice sounded so small, so vulnerable. “Steve.” He repeated, like that was the only word he knew how to say.
“Yeah?” Steve said, when a couple of seconds passed without Tony saying anything else.
“I... I can't, I'm sorry,” Tony said and he was avoiding Steve's gaze and he looked like he wanted to run, run from Steve, run from his feelings. “Please, just...”
“Tony, look at me,” Steve said softly.
Tony finally looked up and it was like something inside him broke. He looked so vulnerable and there was so much pain and self-loathing in his eyes that Steve had to fight the urge to look away. Because there was something else in his eyes. Something Steve was ready to fight for.
But before he could say anything, Tony was moving away from him. “Tony,” Steve called, trying to get him to stay, but Tony shook his head and walked away, almost breaking into a run but just barely containing his steps.
When Tony was out of view, Steve signed and walked back to where Natasha was still sitting. He picked up the glass of whiskey he left earlier and downed it.
“You going after him?” Natasha asked casually, as if she was talking about the weather.
“Yup,” was the only thing Steve said, before he was going back and following Tony through the door.
Outside was cold and damp from the earlier rain. Not many people were around but Tony was nowhere in sight. Steve decided to check the garage where Tony's car was (he didn't want to drive in the limo with the rest of them, said he preferred to drive himself so that he can leave whenever he wanted. And Steve wasn't stupid enough not to hear 'so that I can take someone back with me' behind the words) but someone's voice stopped him.
“If you're looking for Mr. Stark, he went that way.” The man pointed toward the other side, where the road stretched god knows where. Steve was suddenly grateful that they were so recognizable, as he thanked the man and started running in the right direction.
It didn't take him long to locate the genius, who was pacing up and down in front of what looked like a museum but was probably someone's house (the gala was in a very wealthy neighborhood). Steve slowly approached and was grateful that Tony didn't notice him yet because this way he could just watch Tony, unguarded and himself. He seemed tense and he was trying to calm himself down, muttering equations under his breath like he was trying to think about anything but what had just happened. Before Steve decided what he wanted to do next, Tony turned and saw him. His eyes winded, his breath stuttered and in that moment, just one moment, before Tony collected himself back, he looked so beautiful. Just Tony, no mask, and he was the most beautiful thing Steve had ever seen.
Tony opened his mouth to say something but Steve didn't want to listen to more excuses, didn't want to listen to Tony telling himself he's not worth it, worth this. So he didn't. In a couple of strides he was in front of him, as close as he was earlier, and before Tony even managed the say, “Steve,” he was pulling him by the neck and kissing him like it was last thing he would ever be able to do.
Tony was hesitant but didn't deny Steve access when Steve's tongue swiped over his bottom lip. That was all Steve really needed before he was kissing Tony even more desperately, tongue exploring, teeth clashing. It was everything Steve thought it would be and more.
Steve grabbed Tony's waist to bring their bodies even closer and Tony put his hands on his shoulders, fingers going through his hair. There was no more hesitancy in his movements, like Tony finally gave up on holding himself back.
After what felt like forever but was definitely not enough, they both parted to breathe. Steve could feel Tony's breath against his mouth and see his dilated pupils just inches from his own and he never wanted to let this moment go.
“Steve,” Tony started, as if he couldn't help himself, trying to find another reason as to why this was not a good idea. “Are you sure you want this?”
“Want what? You? Yes. I wanted you for so long Tony, how can you not see that?”
Tony looked so sad looking back at Steve but his fingers were still slowly going through his hair so Steve was counting that as a win. “Steve,” it was like Tony couldn't stop saying his name, had to say it to convince himself Steve was real and really there. “Steve, I break everything I touch. I'll break you. I'll hurt you. I'm not worth it,” Tony said and that last sentence sounded so small but so sure and Steve had to close his eyes at the amount of anger he felt at everyone who ever made Tony feel that way, Howard Stark being first on the list.
But he knew he couldn't let anger get the best of him, not now when Tony needed him. “You are worth it,” he said, looking Tony in the eyes with as much sincerity as he could muster. “You're worth everything.” He didn't wait for Tony to deny it again, just kissed him, pouring every feeling into that one kiss, hoping Tony would understand.
Tony broke the kiss first but only to say, “Let's go back to the Tower.” If Steve thought Tony's voice sounded odd or his phrasing unusual, it was a fleeting thought, and gone with the first touch of lips Tony initiated. They kissed until they couldn't just kiss anymore, until they needed more. They were still in the middle of the street, though, so Tony started to drag him back toward his car. Everything went by in a daze, the walk to the car, the drive to the Tower. It all lost focus until they were in Tony's penthouse and then all he could focus on was Tony, Tony's mouth on his, Tony's hands under his shirt.
Steve remembered thinking, torturing himself really, imagining what Tony was doing up here with his various guests. And now he knew. He knew exactly how it felt like, to be the person Tony Stark puts all his attention to, and it was exhilarating. It was like a drug and Steve needed his next fix, desperately.
They somehow stumbled into Tony's bedroom, his bed. Steve didn’t notice much, apart from the fact that the bed was huge and expensive. But nothing about the rest of the room registered in his mind. It was a little disconcerting, because Steve was the guy who noticed everything, knew all the possible exits and items that could be used as weapons, when he was only five seconds into the room. But it was like none of it mattered now, the feel of Tony's hands on his bare skin after getting his shirt off the only thing worth noticing.
It was more frantic then Steve would've wanted, but he let Tony take control, direct the pace. Tony was beautiful like this, in his element, like when he was in the middle of a breakthrough and nothing short of an apocalypse could've broken him out of the haze. He was all energy, sharp movements, quiet gasps against Steve's lips.
It was overwhelming, being here, in this moment. Steve felt every motion of Tony’s body, and even after closing his eyes he was hyperaware of every part of his body that touched Tony’s.
He was lost in it.
He was lost in Tony.
And after everything was over and Tony fell asleep, Steve finally let himself be happy.
Tony locked himself down in his workshop, thinking back on the night before. It seemed surreal now, in the bright artificial light of the lab.
Everything had happened so quickly. Tony was talking to a brilliant, young neurobiologist, whose name he was currently forgetting, glancing subtly every now and then at Steve who seemed to be in deep conversation with Natasha. Then suddenly he was in front of Tony, saying things that didn’t make sense in Tony’s brain, and everything was too much, emotions he fought so hard to burry for so long threatening to overflow.
But even after he left, Steve followed him, Steve kissed him, and Tony was lost.
Until Steve said he wanted him and then it finally made sense. He understood what was really going on.
Steve didn’t really love him. He was from the 40s, it was only natural that he would confuse simple attraction and desire for love. He was the type of person who didn’t understand the point of casual sex, so every attraction probably seemed like love to him.
Steve was confused. Steve just needed to get Tony out of his system.
Tony knew it would hurt like hell, after everything was said and done, but he did it anyway, unable to deny Steve anything, accepting the one night he would get with him as a gift and a penance.
Lost in his thoughts, hours passed without Tony noticing. He kept replaying last night in his head, every sound Steve made, every promise he said.
So when JARVIS spoke up after hours of silence, Tony was startled, “Sir? Mr. Rogers is looking for you.”
“What did you tell him?” Tony rasped. His voice was hoarse.
“That you are in the workshop.”
“What?” Tony sat down straight. “Why did you tell him that?”
“You did not tell me not to, sir.”
Dammit. JARVIS was smart enough to read the situation and lie to Steve, if he felt like Tony needed him to, which meant his smartass AI purposely led Steve to Tony’s door.
And really, not even a second passed before a knock came. Tony could see Steve, wearing sweatpants and a white T-shirt that stretched across his biceps (and if the memory of Tony’s hand holding on to those muscles popped up in Tony’s brain, he shut it down immediately).
He was glad Steve could not hear him or see him behind the one-way mirror. It was bad enough having to look at Steve, still with mussed hair and impatient look in his eyes. He could not have a conversation with him right now, especially the one he knew was coming.
Tony glared at JARVIS’s nearest camera. “Tell him I’m doing something dangerous and it’s not safe to come inside.”
He could almost feel JARVIS’s disagreement but he did as Tony said. Still, Steve was not impressed.
“Tony. I know you can hear me so just open the door,” Steve looked impatient, and maybe a little bit angry.
Tony bit his lip. He knew JARVIS was waiting for his instructions but he didn’t know what else he could possibly say to Steve.
It was a mess, this whole situation, and Tony didn’t know what to do.
Maybe if he just ignored him, he would leave? That sounded like a good plan.
JARVIS, however, had other plans, “Sir, should I…”
“No!” Tony said. “Don’t tell him anything.”
“Tony!” Steve was knocking again, and if the glass was not reinforced, Tony would worry about him breaking it. “Come on, this is childish and you know it. Just… open the door so we could talk.”
“Doesn’t he know that people don’t talk after casual sex?” Tony muttered.
“I’m afraid it wasn’t just casual sex for him, sir.” JARVIS said.
“Oh, what do you know,” Tony complained. JARVIS didn’t answer.
After a couple of minutes (but what seemed like hours to Tony) Steve gave a big sigh and left.
Tony forced himself to feel relief when disappointment overwhelmed him. Of course Steve won’t spend his precious time trying to get Tony to talk to him, no matter how stubborn he was.
Besides, couldn’t Steve just leave it alone?
But Tony knew inside that Steve couldn’t. He was honest and kind, and he probably wanted to let Tony down gently despite everything.
It still surprised him when Steve came back, shield in his hand.
“So, are you gonna open the door, or should we find out if your reinforced glass is stronger than vibranium?” Steve asked, a serious look on his face.
Tony knew that Steve was serious about his threat, as much as he knew that if Steve tried to break the door, he would succeed. That shield might be the only thing that could break the glass but it didn’t change the fact that it could.
“I’m counting to three,” Steve said.
Tony bit his lip. He didn’t want to face Steve.
“One.”
But he knew he would have to either way.
“Two.”
One way or the other.
“Three.” Steve went to slam the shield to the glass but Tony’s soft “JARVIS” had JARVIS opening the door right before the collision happened.
Still, Steve didn’t lose his balance. He just straightened and came in, leaving the shield on the table near the entrance.
Tony was in the same position as he has been the whole morning, sitting in a chair, his legs tucked beneath him. He felt small, incompetent, like a child in front of their parent, after they screwed up some important task.
But Steve didn’t even look disappointed, or mad, didn’t raise his voice, or said anything really. He just took a chair and sat down next to Tony.
“So, what is this dangerous thing you’re working on?” he asked, like it was any other day he came to the workshop, like he didn’t just threaten to break down the door with his shield.
Tony took the unfinished Iron Man gauntlet that was sitting on the desk. He tinkered with it a couple of days ago, trying to put more power in the laser beams, but he never finished it.
“That doesn’t look so dangerous,” Steve remarked.
Tony raised his eyebrow. Everything in his workshop was dangerous. He put the gauntlet on his arm and aimed. The table on the opposite side of the room exploded, along with half the wall.
Steve gave him an unimpressed stare. “Should I rephrase the question?”
Tony shook his head. He knew what Steve meant. Of course the gauntlet was dangerous, it was an Iron Man weapon after all. But it wasn’t dangerous in a way that would stop Tony from letting Steve into the workshop.
“Are you going to say something?” Steve asked quietly.
Tony swallowed and put the gauntlet back on the table. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“Anything,” Steve said. “Might start with explaining why you’re hiding in the lab.”
“I’m not hiding,” Tony muttered.
“Right,” Steve exhaled. “Look, I would love to tell you we don’t have to talk about it, but…”
He left the sentence unfinished but Tony knew what he meant. “Fine. You’re here now. So talk.”
Steve just raised an eyebrow, “I said everything I wanted to, yesterday, now it’s your time to talk.”
Tony frowned. “But…” he started but couldn’t finish. He looked away.
“But what?” Steve asked in the same quiet voice.
“But…” Tony started once again. He looked at Steve. “Don’t you regret it?”
Steve looked back at him unflinchingly. “No.”
“But?” Tony prompted.
“But nothing,” Steve said.
Tony didn’t understand it. He was so sure Steve would come and tell him that is was just a one-time thing and that it won’t affect the team dynamics or something.
Steve must have noticed his confusion because he said, “Tony. I meant everything I said yesterday. Everything.”
Tony shook his head, “You’ll change your mind soon enough.”
Steve looked mad for a second, but Tony got the feeling it wasn’t directed at him. “Look, Tony… I know myself. I know what I feel. There’s no question about it. I’ve felt that way for some time now,” he looked Tony directly in the eyes. “I love you.”
Tony suppressed a flinch. Steve must have noticed it anyway because he frowned. “You don’t believe me?”
Tony didn’t, but that wasn’t the point. Every person who said that to him ended up leaving, so Tony didn’t put much value in the words to begin with.
“I think…” Tony started slowly, “that you’re confused. You’re… I don’t know. Replacing attraction with love. I thought… Well,” Tony shrugged, “I thought that you just needed to get me out of your system.”
Understanding filled Steve’s eyes. Tony looked away.
“Tony,” Steve took his hand. “I know the difference between attraction and love.”
“Do you?” Tony asked. Steve’s hand in his was big and warm and it was distracting him.
“Yes,” Steve got a faraway look in his eyes. “I… I have loved only two people in my life. I was attracted to a lot more than that.”
“Who did you love?” Tony asked.
“Peggy,” Steve said. The name sounded sad on his lips, like a future long given up on. “And you.”
Tony blinked. He was staring at his hand in Steve’s. “I love you.” He might not believe yet that Steve really loved him back but he still wanted to confess. He didn’t know why.
Steve’s mouth opened on a gasp, like the words were the last thing he expected to hear. “You do?” he asked, breathless.
Tony lifted his head. “I always have.”
“Why didn’t you say something?”
Tony laughed bitterly. “What do you think?” he was staring at Steve, at his blond hair and blue eyes. He was only inches away from him, but it felt like miles.
Steve shook his head. His hair was still ruffled and Tony resisted the urge to smooth it down. “Natasha has a theory.”
Tony frowned. “What does she have to do with this?”
“Remember when I told you yesterday that I thought you knew how I felt?”
Tony nodded. Last night was a maze of confusion but he remembered every word Steve said to him like it was branded on his brain.
“Well, she told me you probably didn’t know. No matter how obvious I was.”
“Obvious?” Tony laughed. “You’re kidding, right?”
“Tony, I was flirting with you and everything.”
Tony shook his head in amazement. “I thought that was you… trying modern slang or something. Being nice. I don’t know.” He wanted to throw his hands in the air but that would mean pulling his hand out of Steve’s grasp and he didn’t want to do that.
“You’re an idiot,” Steve told him. It sounded affectionate.
“So what now?” Tony asked after a couple of minutes of silence.
“Well, I’d like to date you,” Steve said bluntly. “We can take it as slow as you want. I’m patient.”
Tony hesitated. This still didn’t seem real.
Steve noticed his hesitation. “I won’t change my mind Tony. I’m serious about this. More than I was serious about anything else.”
Tony looked Steve in the eyes again. And he imagined himself believing it. The possibility didn’t seem so far away anymore.
“Okay,” he whispered.
Maybe he can have this one thing. Even when… Even if Steve changed his mind, Tony would still have this. He would have the memories and the knowledge that Steve Rogers wanted to be with him.
And maybe that could be enough.
Or maybe Steve would stay. Unlike Pepper. Unlike so many others.
Steve Rogers was a man of his word. He never lied. He never wanted to hurt anyone.
He was everything Tony wanted. So Tony was going to give him a chance. He was going to give himself a chance.
“Okay,” he repeated, louder.
Steve smiled and the grin made Tony dizzy, like a possibility of a future. It made him believe a little bit more.
But it was the kiss that sealed the deal. The kiss, that was soft and warm and slow and nothing like the rushed kisses of last night, when Tony was only trying to get through the night, fearing the memories and the pain they would bring him the next morning.
And, as they kissed, in the bright light of the lab, Tony thought, ‘Maybe this is what happiness feels like.’
He didn’t know that Steve was thinking the exact same thing.