Chapter Text
The sun slowly peaked over the horizon. Birds barely started to chirp, leaving the city mostly quiet. Felicity lay in bed, staring at her ceiling. She hadn’t moved in the last two hours since waking up. She lay there counting the ceiling tiles over and over again as if it would help her get back to sleep. Deep and dark bags set under her eyes. So many hours lost to sleepless nights in the past three months. She peeled herself out of bed, tossing back her favorite green blanket. It hardly brought her the same comfort as before. Some days she wrapped the soft fabric around her body and willed away the memories which kept her awake.
Her body whined with each movement she made. She let her feet drop to the cold, wood floor. A shiver ran down her spine, goosebumps erupted across her skin. She closed her eyes and let out a slow breath. Getting ready for the day was one of the hardest parts. There was a whole world out there she wished to avoid. Slowly, she pushed herself to stand and turn on the light. Her eyes swept over the room. The windows were still closed, thankfully. Everything seemed to be in its place. But she could never be too careful.
Felicity ran her fingers through her hair, noting it was greasy and stringy. She sighed heavily. A shower was necessary but unwanted. She carefully took her thick pajamas off her body, dropping them to the floor without looking at herself. Eyes forward, she moved through the bedroom toward her ensuite. The bathroom was pink tiled, on the floor and in the shower, with white fixtures and walls. It wasn’t the prettiest room, but she barely spent any time in the bathroom anymore.
She reached into the shower and cranked the heat. In a matter of moments, her bathroom was filled with steam. She closed her eyes for a moment, standing in the steam and just breathing. It took her several minutes to work up the motivation to step into the shower. When she did, scalding hot water pelted her skin. She stood there for a long minute, enjoying the heat against her skin. It melted into her and eased her sore muscles. The water was hot enough to leave her skin red, but she didn’t care. Actually, she preferred it that way. She showered as if she were trying to scrub the past from her skin. She was. It was only weeks ago she was rescued from her four captors. Every time she closed her eyes she saw their faces, felt their hands on her, beating her bloody. She felt as if these memories were going to swallow her whole. Engulf her in darkness until she was nothing but a screaming mass.
Felicity looked down at her body. She avoided showers because she could hardly stand to look at herself. Skin and bones. Starved for months. The only saving grace was that her pale skin was now without bruises. She dragged her hand across her ribs, so protruded. She slowly gained her weight back, but it wasn’t fast enough for her. She wanted her life back. She wanted herself back. Tears welled up in her eyes. They took everything from her. Everything.
She slammed her fists into the pink tiled wall. A scream ripped through her throat.
Banging from above startled her. Mr. Peterson with his broom again. “Keep it down.” His voice muffled from the floors between them.
She sighed, pressing her forehead into the cool tile. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.
Felicity pushed herself away from the wall and grabbed the shampoo. She washed her hair twice because the grease kept the shampoo from bubbling the first time. She scrubbed her body until her skin was raw. Wash the grime away; wash the memories away. By the time she finished and drying off, the sun shone brightly through her bedroom windows. She winced at the brightness and hugged her towel closer to her body.
Time slowed as she got dressed. She pulled on a pair of jeans, a t-shirt, and an MIT sweater. She knew it would be a warm summer day, but she didn’t want to be seen. She roughly ran her towel over her hair and let it fall around her shoulders. Felicity stared at herself in the mirror, a dark-eyed skeleton buried in clothes. She could have covered her dark eyes, but her use of makeup had diminished since her return. At first, she grew tired of hiding the bruises on her face. She could hardly look at herself. Even after they healed it was hard to look at herself. She didn’t look like Felicity Smoak anymore. She didn’t feel like her either. So, she skipped covering her face in makeup. She let her freckles stand out against her pale features. The dark circles under her eyes made her look that much paler. Maybe a ghost more than a skeleton with the pasty white complexion.
Felicity left for the kitchen, grabbing a protein bar and forcing it down. As much as she wanted to gain the weight back, eating was difficult. She forced herself to eat three times a day when she didn’t have any appetite at all. She swallowed the last bit of protein bar. It went down slowly and almost painfully as if her body were trying to reject it. Felicity sighed and stood in front of her coffeemaker. She didn’t have the energy to even make coffee, but she needed the caffeine. Her shaky hands poured the water into the pot and filled the filter with her favorite dark roast.
While she waited for the coffee to brew, she checked her phone. The technology buzzed under her fingertips, speaking to her in a way that no one else could understand. She ignored the gentle hum and checked her notifications. Several messages from a few different people were waiting for her. Her mother checking in on her, Dinah doing the same, and Curtis and Alena wondering if she was ever coming back to work. And then there was a message from her new therapist.
Don’t forget your appointment is at 8 am!
He left it for her last night. The only thing that was missing was a smiley emoji. She hoped that he wasn’t overly peppy. Her mood couldn’t handle someone chipper. Her therapist came with a good recommendation from someone like her. The recommendation came with a promise that her secrets would be safe.
She closed out of her messages; she would deal with them later.
With coffee in hand, she walked down the streets of Star City. People and cars passed her by. Part of her wondered if the people on the sidewalk were looking at her, judging her appearance, questioning whether or not she was one of them. She swallowed down her paranoia and pushed forth. She had someplace to be and there was no point in getting riled up beforehand. Who was she kidding? Felicity was on edge almost twenty-four/seven.
Taking in a deep breath, she stopped at a crosswalk. Several people stood beside her, waiting for the light to change. She gripped her coffee tighter. With every person that stopped, they seemed to move closer to her. The air became too thin. She wanted to scream. Too many people, too close to her. Her chest tightened with the need to breathe. She thought her lungs might just burst. The only noise she could hear on that busy street was the sound of her heart pumping in her ears. So loud, so fast, like a rabbit trying to flee the fox.
When the light changed and everyone moved forward, she stayed where she was. She sucked in mouthfuls of air until she felt she could move again. Felicity barely made it across the street in time. A car honked at her as it tried to turn into the lane she was standing in. She startled and nearly tripped on her way back onto the sidewalk. She pressed her hand to her forehead and swallowed back a sob. Everything was so hard. So hard.
“I’m only a few blocks away. I can make it,” she said, though tears welled up in her eyes.
She sniffled and continued down the sidewalk. Felicity counted the steps she took, trying to keep her mind off of everything around her. She ignored the people, ignored the cars, and every little sound that tried to break through her bubble. When she reached her destination, she let out the smallest sigh of relief.
The building was tall, not skyscraper tall, but an average office building. It was silver, sleek, and modern. She pushed her way inside and glanced around. Everything was just as sleek and modern as the exterior. She was met with a seating area and a sign which pointed to the elevator. The chairs and sofas were clean white, crisp lines, but they didn’t look very comfortable. She was glad she didn’t have to sit there.
Felicity passed a dentist office on the way to the elevator. On the outside of the elevator was another sign. This one was more of a directory, which offices were where and whatnot. She eyed it carefully before finding the therapy office she was looking for. Archer Counselling. She found it on floor three.
The door to the office held a little sign in the shape of an arrow. If an arrow could be gentle this one was. It was painted a soft blue with the words Archer Counselling in a soft white script. She entered the office and found the gentle theme continued. The walls were painted a lighter shade of blue, several more comfortable looking chairs filled the space as well as a receptionist desk, which appeared to be empty.
Felicity wiped her face and sat down. She knew her eyes were puffy and red. Her nose was a little snotty too. She looked a damn mess and her therapy session hadn’t even started yet. Her new therapist was going to think she was some kind of emotional wreck. She was, but that was beside the point.
“Oh god.” She put her elbows on her knees and pressed her face into her free hand.
She didn’t hear the door open or the footsteps coming near her, so when a man said, “Are you Felicity Smoak?” She startled and jumped to her feet.
“Y-yes.”
“My apologies,” he said gently. “I didn’t mean to frighten you.”
She looked up at him and found herself staring into the most startling bright blue eyes she had ever seen. Something about them was so calming, like the ocean’s waves gently lapping at the sand. His eyes weren’t the only amazing feature. He was downright handsome. She dragged her gaze over him and took in the crisp grey suit he wore.
“I’m Oliver Queen.” He held out his hand to her.
Felicity shook his hand gently. “Thank you for seeing me on such short notice.”
“Not a problem. Come with me.” He let go of her hand and led her back into his office.
His room was painted soft green. A dark wood desk sat pushed on one side of the room. Everything on it was neatly organized. He had a long white couch paired with two green chairs. Several plants sat around the room. But the biggest feature was a floor to ceiling window which peered out into the city. It was a fantastic view.
“Sit anywhere you are comfortable.”
Felicity sat down on the plush couch. Her eyes stayed on Oliver as he sat across from her in one of the green chairs.
“How are you today, Felicity?”
She swallowed thickly. “That feels like a loaded question.”
“It doesn’t have to be. We don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to. Right now, I want to talk about you and how you’re doing today.”
That seemed easy enough. Yet, how could she even articulate how she was feeling that day. She swallowed again. “Not good.”
He nodded. She knew it was obvious to everyone looking at her that she was having a rough time.
“I don’t want to talk about it. Not yet.”
“That’s okay,” he said. “Why don’t we talk about you? No emotions, I promise.”
She let out a soft chuckle, but her smile quickly fell away. “What do you want to know?”
“Let’s start with… where did you grow up?”
“Las Vegas. I was raised by my mom. My dad…” she closed her eyes and shook her head. “That’s another conversation for a different time.”
“Like I said we don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to.” Oliver gave her an encouraging smile.
“I uh… I lived in Nevada until I got a full scholarship to MIT.” A flutter of pride went through her chest. “Then I moved here and started a business.”
“What kind of business?”
“It’s a computer repair shop. For the most part anyway, I’m working on selling tech too.”
“You like computers?”
“You could say that.” She looked away from him, biting down on her lip.
Felicity wasn’t quite ready to delve deeper into that. Although she noticed, Oliver was quite easy to talk to. He got her mind off of her current unyielding list of emotions. He was calm and kind and she almost wanted to keep talking to him.
“You’ve got something on your mind.” It was a statement, not a question.
“I was just thinking you’re really easy to talk to.”
He grinned. “Well, I wouldn’t be a good therapist otherwise.”
“I guess that’s true.” She tucked a piece of stray hair behind her ear.
“Let’s keep going. Do you have any siblings?”
“No. An only child, but I did have a dog. His name was Lucky…. he peed on one too many of my mother’s shoes.” She shook her head. “She gave him away, but he was a great dog.”
He nodded.
Felicity wondered why she told him that.
“You can talk to me about anything, Felicity. You don’t have to feel embarrassed about anything you say.”
She bit down on her lip again. “It’s just weird… I’ve never done this before and I don’t know what to say or not to say. You asked me about my non-existent siblings and I told you about my pee-happy dog.” She sighed.
Her stomach twisted with worry. He could be judging her like she feared the rest of the world was.
“I’m not here to judge you. I’m here to help you.” He sat up a little straighter. “Take a deep breath with me.”
She sat up as straight as he did, still gripping her coffee cup. He took in a deep breath, she copied him. He held in the breath for five seconds before releasing, she did the same. They did this several times before she found herself calming down. She closed her eyes and leaned back into the couch.
“This is both easier and harder than I thought it would be.” She opened her eyes again.
“We are only just beginning.”
Felicity took in another deep breath and nodded. “Just beginning.” She watched him carefully for a moment. “I’m wondering if we can call it a day. I know I’ve only been here—” She glanced at the clock. “—thirty minutes, but I’ve very tired.”
“We can take this as slowly as you need to.”
“Thank you.”
He stood, walking over to his desk and pulling out the largest planner she had ever seen. “What are you thinking? Next week?”
She pulled out her phone again, ignoring the buzzing hum beneath her fingers as she pulled up the calendar. “Next week works. Wednesday at eight?”
“Perfect.” He scribbled it down in his planner.
“Thank you, again.”
“You never have to thank me, Felicity.”
He walked her out of the office and into the waiting room.
“I’ll see you next week,” she said walking toward the exit.
“Next week.”
Felicity’s feet hit the pavement again. She wasn’t quite sure what to think of all of that. Oliver was nice and easy to talk too true. And he wasn’t extremely chipper like she worried he would be. He was simply a kind man who wanted to help her. By doing his job, of course. She took in a deep breath of the city air. Maybe he would help her. Maybe she would find herself again. But that was a lot to put on one man. And she didn’t even know if she had that kind of hope for herself anymore.