Chapter Text
It had been the longest night Hinata could ever remember having to endure, sleep evading his efforts, leaving him lying flat on his back and gazing unseeingly at the ceiling above him. Sure, he’d had long nights before this. Nights where he’d lain awake, unable to sleep as he thought about his dreams to play volleyball and how scarily far away, they had seemed at the time. Although not as far as they do right now, he realised with a bitter twist of his lips, blinking against the renewed burning in his eyes. The worst one by far had been after his one and only match, with the failure and Kageyama’s words echoing through his head on repeat, but that had been different. It had hurt, but it had been the kind of pain that he could take and channel into strength and determination, using it to keep moving forward. To keep flying towards his goal.
This was different.
As he rolled over onto his side, his gaze adjusting to the little bit of light drifting in from the hallway, he could make out his jersey hanging over the chair. The Karasuno colours, and the number that he had worn so proudly seeming to mock him now, and all he could hear was Kageyama’s voice and the words that they had flung at each other in the gym earlier that evening. Only this time, he couldn’t just tell himself that it was just Kageyama being a jerk because they weren’t strangers anymore, or even just first years having to work together to get onto the team. They were teammates, partners… or at least he had started to think that they were. Now, he wasn’t sure that they had ever been anything at all, because Kageyama hadn’t hesitated to slam the walls down on him, refusing to listen to him or rather not hearing what he had really been trying to say.
I don’t think you’re necessary for winning…
He’d heard the words before. Hell, there might have been moments, brief, fleeting seconds when the doubts had broken through, and he’d wondered if he was either. However, he’d never really believed it, and he’d certainly never allowed it to stop him because he knew he could do more. He would do more. That was what he had been trying to do here, why he had wanted to keep practising, keep trying, even when a small voice in the back of his mind had whispered that he was going too far, and pushing when they were still raw from the defeat. Yet at the same time, he couldn’t wait, because he wasn’t going to learn overnight. He wasn’t going to grow, unless he practised, or at least that was what he’d thought, and why he hadn’t backed down even when their words had turned heated.
Was I wrong?
The doubts clawed at him now that he no longer had any distraction, and nothing to fight against. Yet even now he wanted to keep trying, to perfect that quick with…Kageyama, and learn to fight with his own strength. It wasn’t that he wanted to stand alone, he knew that he couldn’t do it all by himself, needing Kageyama to get onto the team had proven that much, and experiencing what it was like to be on a proper team had made him realise that you needed everyone. He knew that, and he didn’t want to change that.
But…
“I want to fight with my own strength,” he whispered aloud, the words swallowed by the silence of his room, and leaving him feeling more alone than ever. Because even now, with the sting of cuts and bruises from their tussle, and the scolding words from their seniors and later his mother when she’d seen the state of him, he didn’t think he was wrong to want that.
And yet…
He squeezed his eyes shut, determined not to let any more tears fall, sure that Yachi must have seen some before he’d all but fled from her when they’d parted ways. And yet… if he was right, why had Kageyama fought him so hard? Why hadn’t anyone spoken up in his defence when he’d explained in a small, tight voice what the fight had been about? Admittedly they hadn’t taken the setter’s side either, but there had been something in the silence and shared glances that told him that was the direction they were leaning in. He flung a trembling arm up over his eyes as he felt tears beginning to slip out despite his best efforts.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now…
*
He didn’t make it to morning practice.
It wasn’t that he wasn’t awake, because beyond a few snatched minutes here or there he hadn’t managed to sleep. He’d even considered getting up and going, and he had been halfway out of bed when he had faltered, the urge and the fight draining out of him. What was the point? He doubted that Kageyama would have changed his mind overnight, and the thought of stepping into the gym left him feeling sick to his stomach. He didn’t want to see Kageyama. He didn’t want to see anyone, to know that they knew about the argument and that even if they didn’t agree entirely with the other boy, they certainly weren’t on his side either. And so, stomach-churning he had crawled back into bed, burrowing under the covers, and wishing that it was as easy to hide from the thoughts that were rattling around his mind again.
If his mother was surprised when he stumbled down to join them for breakfast, she was kind enough not to mention it, although he felt her eyes lingering on him as he tried to choke down some food. Not that he could blame her, because he’d caught a glimpse of himself in the bathroom mirror on the way down and knew that he looked like hell, and even when Natsu chimed in trying to get him to smile, he could only manage a strained twitch of his lips.
Still, it killed any thought that he might have had about staying home because he didn’t want to face the questions that he could see in his mother’s eyes. Not that he really had any answers to them either, because he wasn’t sure what had gone wrong, or who was right or wrong anymore. He felt lost. Adrift. And it scared him and left him feeling nauseated and ill-tempered, and in the end, he’d all but fled the house after he’d nearly snapped at his little sister, trying to bury the feeling that he didn’t belong anywhere anymore.
You’re not necessary for winning…
You’re not necessary…
****
Yachi sighed as she walked towards the school that morning, her thoughts focused on the fight from the night before, and she felt her eyes beginning to sting again, and she hastily scrubbed at them with more than a hint of anger. She had no right to be crying, she wasn’t the one that was hurting over what had been said and done, and yet she sniffled as she thought back to the expression on Hinata’s face the night before. Especially, the brief glimpse of tears that she had caught as he’d turned away from her. He’d tried to put on a brave face on while they were walking home and continue the conversation as usual, but she knew that he had only done it for her sake.
He was a partner…
The pain and longing in his voice as he spoke of his partnership with Kageyama, or at least what he had clearly thought was a partnership if not something more, had cut her to the core. And for the first time, she’d realised that her classmate, who never seemed to be daunted by anything, was fighting against the same fears and doubts that assaulted her all the time. That the bright smile that had caught her in its light when they first met hid a lot more than she’d thought possible, and she wished that she’d realised before. Not that she thought that it would have made a difference to what had happened the night before, but she felt as though she had missed something important, and that maybe she would’ve known what to say to stop those tears from falling.
Still, he hadn’t been waiting for her at the stop like he did on mornings without practice, so she assumed that he had made it to practice. Hopefully, a night apart would have cooled their tempers, and maybe they could talk about what had happened. If not, at least they wouldn’t be alone, and she doubted that either of them would start a fight in front of the entire team, or at least she hoped they wouldn’t, not wanting to imagine how much more trouble they would be in if that happened. It had been scary enough the night before, although she hadn’t known what else to do when it became clear that neither of them was listening to her. Please, let them fix things, she thought, crossing her fingers as she glanced up and watched a crow flying overhead, hoping that it would hear her prayers.
*
Somehow, she doubted that was the case, as she caught a glimpse of a scowling Kageyama when she reached the school, and not sure that she would be welcomed she had avoided him. It was only when Hinata arrived after her, breathless and dashing in just as the bell rang, that she realised that things might be worse than she had imagined because it was clear that he hadn’t been to practice. There had been no time to ask him about it or the fact that he looked as though he hadn’t slept at all, and she resolved to track him down at lunch and find out what was going on, trying to ignore the ball of uncertainty and dread that seemed to have taken up residence in her chest.
What if this was worse than I ever imagined?
Somehow, she managed to get through the morning classes, but she was distracted, answering questions wrong and needing to be called on repeatedly when the teachers asked her questions, and the ball in her chest had practically tripled in size by the time she fled the classroom at lunchtime.
Usually, she would have checked the gym or the places where she knew he would practice with Kageyama when the gym was unavailable, but something told her that Hinata wasn’t going to be there today. He also wasn’t in his classroom, and no one seemed to know where he had disappeared to, some of them seeming to think he hadn’t even been there, which was so far from the Hinata that she’d thought she knew that she was starting to wonder if she needed to speak to one of the others about what was happening. First though she wanted to find Hinata.
She had searched all the obvious spots and was eyeing the bathrooms, not daring to go in herself but wondering if she could get someone to check for her when she was finally rewarded by a glimpse of familiar ginger. Relieved and clutching her untouched lunch, she slipped out through the side doors and headed for the steps on the far side of the main building that was rarely used at break, eyes locked on the figure huddled against the wall. Hinata hadn’t noticed her approach, his head buried against his knees and for a terrifying moment she wondered if he was crying, but then she stumbled, yelping in alarm and his head shot up, and while he was pale and tired-looking, his cheeks were dry.
“I was looking for you,” she said as she approached, stating the obvious because she had no idea what to say now that she was actually in front of him.
“Sorry…”
“It’s okay.” She hadn’t liked the emptiness in that apology, and she knew that her smile was strained as he moved to sit next to him, relieved when he made no effort to escape, noting his uneaten lunch lying by his foot. “I wanted to see if you were okay…” She trailed off. He was so clearly not okay that she felt foolish saying it, and she was beginning to regret coming out here. What if she just made things worse?
“I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not!” She hadn’t meant to say it, but it had slipped out in the face of his lie and a lot more vehemently than she’d intended, and from the way that Hinata had frozen it was clear that he hadn’t expected to be called out on his lie either. “I…” She started to hesitate, but there was something in the wide brown eyes that made her square her shoulders and plunge onwards. “You’re not okay Hinata. You weren’t okay last night, and you’re not okay now.” She had let him go without saying anything meaningful last night, she wouldn’t make the same mistake again.
“I…” She could see the lie building this time, but then his shoulders slumped, and he shook his head helplessly, hands fisting where they were resting on his legs. “I don’t know what to do.” Yachi didn’t know either if she was honest, still not entirely sure that she understood what had triggered the fight, let alone how they were going to patch things up. Still, it was a relief to hear him admit it aloud and she waited a minute, weighing up what she wanted to say.
“You didn’t go to practice this morning.” It wasn’t a question, but Hinata shook his head, all the same, cheeks flushed as he looked down. “Are you going to go this afternoon?” She asked carefully, not judging, but deciding that was the best way to work out how bad things really were. One missed practise could be put down to tiredness, especially as it was clear that he hadn’t slept well, but if he planned to miss another one then…
“No.”
Things are really bad…
Part of her had been expecting that answer, and yet it was still a shock to hear it, especially in such a blunt way. “Why not?” She pressed when it became clear that he wasn’t going to continue without encouragement. “I know things were bad last night.” And that I might have made it worse going for help, she thought but didn’t say. “But…”
“A blunt weapon doesn’t need training…” Hinata muttered dully, cutting across her as he glanced towards the gym which was just visible from their current position and she swallowed at the pain she could see in his eyes. He had sounded empty before, but there was a flatness in those words that made it suddenly feel as though he was miles away from here, even though they were sat almost touching. She wanted to reach out and grasp his arm or pull him into a hug, anything to banish the feeling, but there was something untouchable about him right then that she hesitated.
“Hinata…” She began, finally giving in to the urge to reach out, just hoping that he wouldn’t shatter under her touch. It didn’t matter, because he flinched back out of reach, flashing her an apologetic look even as he shrank back against the wall.
“Yachi…” He swallowed, glancing at the gym once more before meeting her gaze. “Will you just tell them I’m ill or something,” he mumbled. “Please…”
No, she wanted to say, knowing that things needed to be mended before they got worse, but there was a waver in his voice and a sheen to his eyes that stopped her. “Okay,” she said instead, reluctance bleeding through, and she made sure to hold his gaze. “But just this one time, because…” This can’t continue, and you can’t let it end like this. You can’t just give up. That was what she was afraid of she realised, especially as she replayed his words, realising that at least for now he actually believed what he’d said. He believed what Kageyama had been shouting at him in the heat of the fight, and suddenly it seemed like a good idea to keep them apart, at least until she could speak to someone… she wanted to talk to Kageyama, to make him see what was happening, but maybe Daichi would be better or at least someone who wasn’t quite so emotionally invested as Kageyama and Hinata were.
“I know,” Hinata murmured as he stood up. “I just don’t know what to do yet.” The admission made her heart ache, but at least he was thinking about it. He wasn’t just giving up. But he was retreating – from her, as it was clear he was getting ready to go back to class, and from Kageyama and the rest of the team through his decision to miss practice, and she leant forward, this time managing to grab his arm. Waiting until he looked at her again before adding fiercely.
“If you need someone to talk to.” It wasn’t much, but she wanted to make sure that he knew that he wasn’t the only one on his side, and it seemed to help as his lips twitched.
“Thank you.” She let him go as he pulled away, watching as he disappeared back into the building before turning to look towards the gym, and this time her hands were the ones to ball into fists. She didn’t like arguments and fighting, but she couldn’t let this continue.
Somehow, I need to fix this.