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The bed is too comfortable. Like laying on a suffocating cloud. After a month using rocks as pillows, his body isn’t used to such luxury. It doesn’t trust it. The solid ground beneath him? That, he can trust. This squishy mattress that’s threatening to swallow him? He can already feel himself getting lulled into a false sense of security.
That has to be why he can’t sleep.
The first night, Shigaraki passed out for twenty hours the second his head hit the pillow. He would have slept longer, but Spinner panicked and shook him awake, worried that he’d slipped into a coma. He managed to stay awake for six hours until his eyelids dropped and he fell asleep at the table. He woke long enough to notice he was being half-carried, half-dragged to his bedroom, but was too exhausted to care. He didn’t wake up until noon the next day.
That was the second night.
The third night, he woke up in a cold sweat only two hours after falling asleep. Faint traces of a rapidly fading nightmare left him heaving over the side of the bed. It took three hours to fall back asleep.
The fourth night was much the same, though he’d managed to keep his stomach contents in his throat, leaving it burning and itching and raw. Try as he might, he couldn’t commit the nightmare to memory, left with only the afterimage of blood splattering against grass.
By the fifth night, he’s thoroughly sick of everything. The bed, the nightmares, the not being able to sleep. Being tired all the time. Everything.
Worst of all is the time between nightmares, when he lies in the dark with nothing to do but think.
Over and over, in every waking moment, he replays the memories that resurfaced during his fight with Re-Destro. He doesn’t understand why they won’t just go back to the dark recesses of his mind where they came from. He doesn’t need them anymore. They served their purpose. Why won’t they shut up.
Shigaraki growls in frustration, kicks the blankets off his body with his unbroken leg, then drags them with him to the floor. The hard wood beneath him is grounding. Reminds him that he’s skin and bones. It doesn’t stop the memories, but at least he doesn’t feel like he’s drowning.
At first, the memories felt like a blessing. A sign he’s on the right track, doing what he was always meant to do. The memories solidified his purpose. Nothing can sway him. He is destruction incarnate, and he will bring the heroes to their knees.
But there is something about one memory that doesn’t fit with the rest. It’s like a splinter sticking out of a wooden table and his mind keeps getting caught on it. The more he tries to tug it out, the deeper it burrows, until it spreads like an infection that can’t be cut out, rotting him from the inside.
His grandmother was a hero.
The purpose for the other memories is clear. His sister ratted him out because humans are selfish creatures, and scared little kids even more so. His mother and grandparents stood by and did nothing because humans are weak and afraid of upsetting the status quo. His father hated heroes because heroes are hypocritical scum, and he hated his son because his son was rotten.
It makes sense.
Killing his family made sense too, because it was an inevitability. It was always going to happen, no matter the circumstances. For years, that fact had bothered him. But after destroying the hands shackling him to his past, he is free. He hated them like he hated everything else, and what he hates, he destroys. There’s no need for guilt or second-guessing anymore.
But his grandmother being a hero?
Tenko had been fascinated by her. Shigaraki feels nothing but disgust that he’d been the same as everyone else in this useless world. That should have been it. That should have been the purpose of that memory. To show him that he’d risen above the rest of society. But more than the disgust, more than the hate, there’s a burning curiosity about her he can’t shake. And it doesn’t make sense.
He tries to push it down, to suppress it, to focus on the new world he is creating, not on the old one that will be destroyed.
Sensei would be disappointed in him, he thinks. He’d tell Shigaraki that his grandmother being a hero only makes his purpose more clear, and that dwelling on such a trivial fact distracts from his mission.
A thought strikes him and he lurches up, reaching for his bedside table before it even has time to settle.
Does Sensei know?
He pulls out the swanky new laptop Re-Destro provided him and drums four fingers impatiently on the keys until it finally boots up, surrounding him in a comforting blue glow. He hesitates. He never felt the urge to look up his family before. He never wanted to. Never needed to. Sensei said who Shigaraki used to be didn’t matter. All that mattered was the change they were going to bring to the world. Change that he would bring to the world, under the name “Shigaraki”.
Sensei’s name.
But Sensei isn’t here.
Sensei doesn’t know how far his successor has come. He doesn’t know how he destroyed the last links to his past, fully embracing his destiny. He doesn’t know that Shigaraki is losing sleep, that the memories he thought he’d overcome won’t leave him alone.
Did Sensei know about his grandmother?
As he stares at the search bar, he realizes he doesn’t even know his grandmother’s name, let alone her hero name.
With nothing else to do, he searches “shimura.”
He’s not sure what he expected to find with such a basic search, but he doesn’t get it. Some restaurants, hits for a mathematician, a comedian, and a reporter, but nothing on his family. Nothing on her.
After further searching, he finds his parents’ marriage announcement, something about his father’s business, and an article reporting the tragic deaths of the entire Shimura family, including the kids, Hana and Tenko. There’s a family photograph attached to that one. Shigaraki doesn’t even recognize himself. He searches Tenko’s face for hints of the monster he became just months after the photo was taken, but all he sees is a naive little boy. Nausea lurches in his gut and he clicks the back button.
How easy it must have been, for the world to believe he was dead. How like them, to take things at face value, to avoid thinking of ugly truths. To look the other way.
Fueled by frustration, he keeps digging. He finally finds something after narrowing his search to “shimura hero.”
It’s not much. Barely more than a whisper. A few newspaper clippings and photographs. If he didn’t know what she looked like (so much like Hana...like what Hana could have, should have, would have looked like) he might have dismissed them altogether.
The first is a blurry photograph of a teenage boy standing with the woman who must be his grandmother. He recognizes the mole on her chin, and lifts a hand up to his own. She looks close to the age she was in the only other photograph he has seen of her. (Did that photo get swallowed up by his decay with everything else?) She’s young and full of life and Shigaraki wonders how she smiled so brightly when her family needed her. Shimura Nana , the caption reads. The boy, tall, blonde, and smiling like the world belongs to him, is unnamed.
The second photo is of her hero debut, but the caption is scant on details and the article itself is not a part of the archive. Typical.
The third photo shows her standing with a man with grey hair and a white and yellow costume. Next to Shimura Nana, with her black and yellow costume, they look almost like a team. Her arms are slung around his shoulders, and though he isn’t smiling, he looks content in her company.
Sorahiko and Shimura, heroes.
The man looks vaguely familiar, but Shigaraki can’t place the face.
Searching “sorahiko hero” brings back more results than looking for Shimura Nana did, but still not much.
Hero name: Gran Torino. Quirk: Jet. With a jolt, Shigaraki realizes he’s the old man from Kamino. He’s shrunken, in his old age, but the costume is the same.
Why had his grandmother’s friend been among the heroes that night? At his age he should be long retired.
He keeps reading, hoping to find some answers. Gran Torino spent a brief stint as a teacher at U.A., and though Shigaraki never learned the exact year his grandmother abandoned his father, basic math places it around the same time.
Shigaraki digs into U.A’s archives, next. He finds a photo of one of Gran Torino’s classes, twenty wannabe heroes with optimistic smiles. There’s a tall blonde kid at the back, the same one from the blurry photo. There’s no names on the photo, but that hair is unmistakable. The smile makes it undeniable.
Familiar hatred rushes through him at the sight of All Might’s youthful face, but then his brain catches up to his ingrained instinctual hatred.
If All Might knew Gran Torino, and Gran Torino knew Shimura Nana…
Did...did his grandmother know All Might?
Does Sensei know?
His head spins. It’s almost dawn, but all thoughts of sleep are long gone.
His grandmother was close friends with Gran Torino. Gran Torino taught All Might. Gran Torino was there, at Kamino, with All Might. And, as a little more digging uncovered, Gran Torino had been there in Hosu as well, helping to take down Stain and the nomu. He’s listed as that U.A brat Midoriya’s work study supervisor. And All Might teaches at U.A. And All Might teaches Midoriya. And All Might was taught by Gran Torino. And Gran Torino was friends with his grandmother.
Everything leads back to All Might. It always does.
-
U.A. has upped their security, but it isn’t anything he can’t get past with Detnerat’s unlimited resources.
Finding All Might while remaining unnoticed is a little harder, but he’s had plenty of practice at walking around undetected. U.A is so worried about a large scale attack that it’s almost easy for him to slip through the cracks in their defenses.
He allows himself a moment of glee once he’s within the walls of U.A. He can do anything, can bring down every building and kill them all with the touch of his hand to the grass and there’s nothing any of them could do to stop him.
But that won’t bring him answers.
He’s crouched behind a bush like an absolute creep, trying to ignore the pain from his still healing wounds, when he spots the scarecrow-like figure of the former number one hero making his way from the main building and heading for the teacher residences. It couldn’t be more perfect. Everyone else should be at dinner, but his inside information revealed that All Might’s old injury means he rarely eats in front of others.
He darts from the shadows, approaching All Might from behind. The silent night means that All Might hears Shigaraki’s shoes hitting the pavement, but the hero’s too slow. All Might whirls around, eyes wide, but Shigaraki already has four fingers to his mouth.
“You and I are going to have a little chat.”
It takes All Might a few seconds to recognize Shigaraki, but when he does he goes stiff. As if any twitch will cause Shigaraki’s fifth finger to touch down.
“If I take my hand off are you going to yell?”
All Might shakes his head, nearly imperceptibly.
Shigaraki removes his hand, but leaves it hovering in the air, a threat.
“Why-”
“I told you. I just want to chat.”
All Might’s gaze flickers to the dorms. Shigaraki laughs at his predictability. “Your students are safe, as long as you do as I say. Now. Is there anywhere we can talk? Privately?”
“There’s a...garden shed.”
“Good.”
Shigaraki is surprised at how quickly All Might agreed to talk, but he’s confident he can take the old hero down if need be. He doesn’t seem like he’s going to call for help, but Shigaraki grabs All Might’s arm with three fingers, just in case. All Might jumps but leads Shigaraki to the shed with shuffling steps and an abundance of wary side-glances.
The door of the shed creaks open. There’s a single lightbulb hanging from the ceiling. All Might lifts a hand to tug on the metal chain but Shigaraki tightens his grip.
“No.”
He doesn’t want anyone to see them. Not until he has the answers he needs. There’s enough light filtering in through the windows from the streetlights outside that Shigaraki sees All Might’s hand drop to his side.
“So…” All Might says awkwardly. “What did you wish to speak to me about?”
Shigaraki decides to jump straight to the point.
“What can you tell me about Shimura Nana?”
There’s a sharp intake of breath and something metal rolls across the ground as All Might stumbles.
“Nana…”
Well then, that confirms All Might knew her.
“She was my...mentor. She encouraged me to be a hero, believed in me when - ” All Might hesitates. He sounds close to tears. Pathetic.
“So you were close, then?” He demands.
“I, yes. We were. Your grandmother...”
An icy chill grips Shigaraki’s heart. His hands clench into tight fists almost instinctively as rage fills him. He has to restrain himself from lunging forward, from grabbing All Might’s neck, from watching him fall to pieces before his eyes. Why is he standing here talking? Why is he wasting his time searching for answers he already knows? Here is the proof. All Might is even worse than he could ever have imagined because...
“You…” It comes out in a rasped whisper. “You... knew ?”
“I…” All Might sounds vaguely confused. Is he playing dumb? Or is he really that blind to reality?
“You knew. About her, and about me. About everything.”
“No!” All Might says quickly, as if the accusation was a stain on his precious image. “I didn’t. Not until after...well until during Kamino.”
He opens his mouth to say more, but Shigaraki cuts him off. “Ah yes. Kamino. I want to know more about that as well. But first..” He pauses, unsure if he really wants to know. If this is the best play. If he’s letting himself get distracted from his goal. But there’s still that voice in the back of his mind whispering did Sensei know and there’s the memory of a young girl’s smile as she holds out a photograph and there’s an itch that won’t go away. He needs to know. He needs to know so he can put a lid on it. So he focus properly again.
“What was she like?”
“Nana?” All Might lets her name hang in the air like it’s sacred. “She was fierce. She was kind and full of hope. She always put on a smile. She was a good hero and a good person, and it pained her that she couldn’t be a good mother. She did what she thought was best, the best way to keep her family safe.”
Shigaraki feels sick. It’s all too much. All Might going on and on about his grandmother like she was a true hero, like she was flawless and perfect, sickens him. She was human like the rest of them. Humans are flawed and selfish and rotten from top to bottom. No exceptions.
All Might is human, too. Painfully so. If he were to stand at his full height, his head would scrape the ceiling of the shed, but his shoulders are drawn inward, his back hunched. It’s like the weight of carrying the world has become too much. Where’s the confidence? The power? The righteousness?
Shigaraki spent his adolescence hating the man who stands before him, less than a shadow of his former self. He used to be a living god. Now, Shigaraki could break him in less than a second. It’s laughable. It’s...disappointing.
“I wanted to be like you.”
“What?”
Shigaraki hadn’t meant to say it out loud, but it is the truth. He’s not about to lie when the truth will hurt All Might so much more.
“When I was a kid. Before. I didn’t always hate heroes. Like every idiotic brat on this planet I wanted to be one . When I learned my grandmother was a hero it was like the world shifted on its axis. I had found my purpose. I would be a hero, like her. Like you.”
All Might is silent. Good. He needs to hear this. Needs to understand. Shigaraki feels familiar bitterness well up inside him, but he doesn’t know where else to direct it but himself. He itches at the skin around his prosthetic fingers, then realizes what he’s doing and stops.
“It didn’t take long to realize I wasn’t meant to be a hero. Not after what I’d done. But I didn’t stop believing in heroes until much later. Even after Sensei took me in, even after accepting I could never be a hero, that I was destined to be a villain instead, I still had a sliver of hope. Of faith . Maybe All Might will come today, I would tell myself. Maybe All Might will rescue me. Maybe All Might will make everything better. All Might is a hero and I’m a villain and that means All Might will stop me. All Might will stop me before I kill anyone else. All Might will save me from myself.”
Shigaraki laughs.
“You know what’s really funny? Sensei never discouraged me. He let me play with my hero toys, let me hope and wish and dream. He’s smart. He let me see the truth. He didn’t need to tell me not to believe in you. He didn’t force that on me. He never forced anything on me, it was all my choice. All me. I figured it out all on my own. Watching that stupid video of you, smiling like the world wasn’t burning around you. Smiling like it would fix anything.”
Shigaraki smiles.
“You rescued those people, sure. But how many were left homeless, jobless, while you moved on to the next big calamity? How many have you forgotten? You don’t care about them. You don’t care about anyone . How can you? You’re so far removed from reality you apparently didn’t know I existed . You said you were close to her. Then how could you so thoroughly lose us? When she left us, did you never wonder? Did you never think about finding us? Or were we like everyone else, ignored unless we’re seconds from death?”
“No,” All Might whispers. Shigaraki barely hears it over the pounding of his heart.
“No what?”
“I didn’t have a choice,” All Might says, like he’s trying to convince himself as well as Shigaraki. “I had to leave the country, and by the time I came back…”
“Excuses,” Shigaraki spits. “And what about that old guy, huh? The one at Kamino?”
All Might’s face scrunches up in confusion. “Gran Torino?”
“Yeah. Him. What’s his excuse? Did he have to leave the country for some mysterious reason too? Oh wait. He didn’t leave, did he?”
“He...he was just following her wishes. To keep her son safe.”
“Safe?” Shigaraki’s voice cracks hysterically. “Safe from what, exactly? Because I’m not sure if you know this, but I killed him.”
He lets the silence settle, waiting for All Might’s inevitably shocked response.
“So he was telling the truth then.”
“Who?”
“All for One. At Kamino, he told me...he told me you killed your family. I had hoped he was lying.”
“He doesn’t need to lie when the truth worse. It’s true. I killed them. They fell apart so easily. And you know what? I liked it .”
“Why…”
“Why did I kill them? Do you know what my father thought of heroes? He hated them. His mother was a hero and she abandoned him. We weren’t allowed to talk about heroes, in our house. If I was caught playing heroes I’d be locked outside without dinner. If I tried to stand up for myself I’d get a slap to the face. I wanted to be a hero so bad and I couldn’t understand why he hated me so much.”
“I’m sure he didn’t…”
“He hated me. And he was right to hate me. Look what I did to him! He tried to kill me, when my quirk manifested. I’d just killed my sister, my mother, my grandparents. I was confused, I reached out for him, and he tried to kill me.” He reaches up to his face, touching the scars left behind by his father’s hatred. “So I made him fall to pieces with a single touch. And I laughed.”
Shigaraki pauses, waiting for the fear to sink in, but when All Might speaks it is with sorrow, not terror.
“I…I didn’t know.”
“What would you have done if you did? Would you have looked the other way? Would you have done what she did, and sacrificed us for the greater good?”
“I…”
“What would you have done, when my quirk manifested? Would you have tried to stop me too?”
“No! I would have tried to help.”
“I was born to destroy. I would have destroyed you too.”
All Might shakes his head. “I don’t believe that. Nobody is born hating.”
“Is that why you’re not raising the alarm? You think if you act sorry enough you can convince me to what, stop being a villain? Join hands with the heroes and work together towards a brighter future? It’s a little late for that. Maybe my grandmother should have considered the consequences before abandoning her family.”
“I’m sorry,” All Might says. “I’m so sorry. I should have…” All Might takes a step forward. Shigaraki lurches away. His still-healing leg twists, sending pain radiating through his body. He stifles a gasp, swaying as his vision blurs for a second.
He sinks to the cold ground. All Might crouches next to him.
“Are you alright? Are you injured?”
Immediate rage flushes out the pain. “Oh, so now you care what happens to me. Once you learn I’m related to your precious mentor suddenly you don’t want me dead.”
He grits his teeth as he gingerly stretches out his leg. All Might just feels guilty, that’s all. He doesn’t really care. Shigaraki doesn’t want him to care. The look the hero is giving him, concern, worry, pity, fear, Shigaraki doesn’t want it.
“Get away from me,” he growls.
“Your hand,” All Might says. “I didn’t notice until now, but that’s a prosthetic.”
“Don’t act like you care.”
All Might ignores him. “And your leg. You’ve been in a fight.”
“I’m not going to tell you anything about it.”
All Might blinks in surprise. “No, no, of course not. I only meant...I don’t know. I’m sorry you’ve had such a hard life.”
“Don’t. Don’t fucking apologize to me.”
“I shouldn’t have left you alone.”
“I wasn’t alone. Not until you sent Sensei to Tartarus.”
“You’re alone now, either, are you? Don’t you have your…” Shigaraki raises an eyebrow as All Might searches for the right word. Shigaraki isn’t going to put words in his mouth. Let him draw conclusions that aren’t there. Shigaraki doesn’t even know what the League of Villains are to him anyway. Not just disposable minions, like All Might probably assumes. Not after what they’ve been through together. Toga and Twice would say they’re friends but Shigaraki is their leader, not their friend. Besides, friends are a waste of time, a liability, a -
“Do they know?”
“They don’t need to know. It’s irrelevant.”
“Keeping secrets will eat you up inside, young Shigaraki. You should confide in those close to you.”
“You’re one to talk,” Shigaraki shoots back. “How long did you hide that you were broken?”
“Five years. And those were five of the most lonely years of my life.”
“I’m not lonely .”
“I know what loneliness looks like. You have companions, sure. People you trust. That’s more than I’ve had, sometimes. But it takes more than that to hold the dark pit of loneliness at bay. After Nana died…”
All Might seems lost in the past, and dammit Shigaraki is curious. What could have possibly wiped the bright star that was Shimura Nana out of existence? What battle was so important that she gave up a happy life with her family?
“How…” The words are having difficulty leaving his throat. “How did she…”
All Might hesitates like he’s not sure if he wants to respond.
“What?” Shigaraki snaps impatiently.
“Your grandmother died by All for One’s hand.”
It takes a second for the words to sink in.
“All for One…”
The constant beating refrain comes back, louder and uglier than before. Did Sensei know? Why her? What does it have to do with All Might? What does it have to do with me? Did he know what I was capable of? Did he find me on purpose? Did he let me kill my family?
He can’t contemplate that. That’s too much. That’s too...
“Well,” Shigaraki says, shoving aside the incessant refrain of did Sensei know . “He’s killed lots of heroes. It’s just a coincidence. He didn’t know that she...that I...he would have said something.”
He knows it’s a lie as soon as he says it. Sensei wouldn’t have told him. All for One kept secrets as easy as he stole quirks. It wasn’t too far fetched that every moment of Shigaraki’s life had been calculated to the most minuscule detail.
“He manipulated you.”
All Might says it like it’s a tragedy. Like it’s a personal failure.
His brain hurts from the strain of trying to control his thoughts. Everything itches . All Might is looking at him with pity. He doesn’t want it. Doesn’t need it. He was never a passive object, a puppet. He made his choices consciously.
He had to have, because to consider anything else...
“Yeah. And? You think I don’t know that? You think I don’t know how he took me when I was at my most broken and twisted? But that doesn’t change the fact that he was right. I was already twisted when he found me. If he manipulated me it was so I wouldn’t try to be something I’m not. You don’t hammer a screw, you let it do what it was made for.”
“You’re more than just a tool. Whatever he told you, whatever he made you believe, that’s not your destiny.”
All Might says it with such conviction that Shigaraki actually considers his words. Is that all he ever was to Sensei? A tool? A convenient weapon? He shakes his head.
“You’re wrong.”
“All for One sought you out specifically because he knew it would hurt me.”
With a sinking feeling, Shigaraki knows that All Might too much of a hero to be lying.
He was just something to rub in All Might’s face.
He can’t breathe. His hands shake.
“Shigaraki,” All Might says, reaching out a hand. Then, hesitantly, “Tenko…”
“No.”
All Might stops, sensing the raw fury in Shigaraki’s voice.
“You don’t get to call me that. You don’t...you don’t have the right. You’re doing that thing. That thing you’re so good at. Pretending like the pain of the world doesn’t exist. Well tough shit. Shimura Tenko is gone. You lost your chance to save him.”
“I still want to try.”
He doesn’t know what to say to All Might’s stubborn declaration. To hear All Might , of all people, say he wants to save him? He’s a villain. Heroes don’t save villains. No matter how much he wished a hero would save him, no matter how many times he prayed someone would reach out a hand, nobody ever did.
Only Sensei had done that. Sensei had saved him. Sensei…
Sensei knew.
Why didn’t he say anything?
He needs clarification. Reassurance. But Sensei is locked in Tartarus and the only person who knows anything about anything is fucking, All Might.
Everything comes back to All Might. He reaches a hand out to the hero, to kill him, but the genuine concern in his eyes makes him pull back.
Shigaraki pushes himself off the ground.
“I need to go.”
He stumbles out of the shed, ignoring the pain in his leg and the pounding in his heart and leaves All Might standing in the doorway. He needs to get away before All Might’s senses come back to him and he informs the authorities there was a villain on campus. He’ll realize letting Shigaraki go without a fight was a mistake. He needs to get away before he’s tempted to turn back. To keep demanding answers to the questions he still has.
On his way out, he decays a tree so thoroughly even the birds sleeping in their nests are caught up in the wave of death.
It doesn’t make him feel better.
-
He spends the next few days in such a haze that even Dabi, who spends so much time “recruiting” that Shigaraki is starting to wonder if it’s a euphemism or something, has noticed.
“Wake up on the wrong side of the floor again?”
Shigaraki opens his mouth to retort when there’s a ping as an email comes through on his tablet.
He glances down and reads the subject line. He reads it again. He blinks. It hasn’t changed.
DON’T DELETE SHIMURA NANA PICTURES INSIDE
Faintly, he hears Dabi bickering with Toga about not painting her toes at the table. He ignores them. He thinks about ignoring the email, too. He clicks anyway.
Shigaraki,
These are, by right, yours.
-AM
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