Chapter Text
Touching Tretij was always out of the question. The most Eli was allowed is holding onto the fabric one of his dragging sleeves (so coarse, unwelcoming, uncomfortable, how could he wear this thing all the time?) Anything less and Tretij would recoil as if struck, even before Eli's hand made a connection. If it were anyone else, Tretij would just snap away into thin air and reappear at a safe distance, shaken, his mind sending a jumbled mess of fear and disgust.
It always baffled Eli, because he knew exactly what the issue was, yet he still struggled to understand. Thanks to their psychic link, Mantis never had to tell him about his past, it resonated with his own so well, like they were one and the same, half-developed pictures overlayed to make a complete one, a vivid one, one that Eli never really wanted to see. They were both monsters, even if in a different way, an artificial abomination and an accidental one, raised in a lab, treated as subhuman, without a single affectionate gesture their way. And if it made Eli crave intimacy, want to be loved, appreciated, most of all recognized, Tretij shied away, pulled back, shuddering like a wild animal, as if not even entirely understanding what was expected from him, the feelings so foreign and inacessible.
"It hurts", was the only coherent feedback Eli would get, and it puzzled him. Eli wasn't a soft or gentle person, certainly not someone who he would want around himself, but never in his wildest dreams he imagined hurting his only friend. Even being capable of hurting, which was a wild thing to consider. He was created to bring harm, to destroy, disgusted by weakness from birth, always tempted to abuse it, squash it, yet watching Tretij, all coiled up, just as much of a mess as he is, he found that he didn't hate him for the same reasons he hated himself. Empathy was a novel concept to Eli. Just as restraint. Novel, yet somehow not entirely unacceptable. Not when it came to Tretij, at least.
Eli didn't really know what he wanted to do. It's not like he had an example of a proper relationship, growing up the way he did. It's not like people being affectionate was something he witnessed often. Still, he wanted nothing more than to reach out and... well... do something.
Tretij's hair seemed so soft, so unlike his own, the color striking and vivid, unlike anything he'd seen before. Wavy locks in perpetual motion, as if caught in a gentle wind, floating in the air like an aura of fire that would surround Tretij when in danger, a constant reminder of what the other boy was capable of. Eli wanted nothing more than to drag his fingers through it, almost convinced it would burn him.
It was the first thing that Eli really noticed about Tretij, actually. That stark contrast between how much damage he could do and how weak and soft he looked despite it. It was hard to make out the exact shape of Tretij's body, but Eli was sure, there wasn't any proper muscle mass, not even that wiry strength he seen boys his age possess. It seemed that Tretij was just a straightjacket over a frame of bones, some sort of a scarecrow on fire. It stirred something weird inside Eli, an urge to protect, even if he knew, realistically, that Tretij is strong enough to wipe the floor with him if he wanted to. Strong enough to take on those who Eli would lose too. So strong, despite seeming so fragile.
Eli would catch glimpses of Tretij's eyes behind the tinted lenses. He knew they were light, but the exact color eluded him. It seemed ridiculous to be pondering such things, what did it matter, really? Eli would push these thoughts down, far, out, knowing full well that Tretij could read him like an open book, afraid he would make the psychic uncomfortable and even more distraught by that concern. Why would he care?
Eli finally realised something was really, really wrong with him the first time he saw Tretij's hands. He didn't even remember why the boy decided to roll up his sleeve, completely flabbergasted by the sight of Tretij's exposed skin. So much paler than anything he's ever seen, that small hand didn't even seem like it should belong to a living person, bloodless, death pale, yet it moved. Undamaged except a couple of burn marks on his fingertips, evidence of trauma long gone. In that moment Eli wanted nothing more than to grab that hand, press it to his face. Would those long fingers be cold like death or hot like fire? It didn't really matter as long as he was allowed to touch them.
"Ellie?" came a confused voice in his mind, tearing him out of his reverie. Tretij still refused to talk out loud for the most part, ashamed of his awkwardly patterned speech.
Eli almost jumped, caught red-handed this time. "I'm sorry."
"For what?" Tretij inquired softly, "You didn't do anything bad. Thoughts can't hurt me".
Of course that wasn't entirely true, Eli could still feel Tretij's discomfort through the link, but maybe, just maybe it wasn't discomfort about his affections, but a confusion over a concept unfamiliar to both of them. Swallowing down his shame, knowing exactly how transparent his was being, Eli stammered "But I don't want to just think anymore".
Still, it seemed no matter how clear he was in his intentions, it didn't fully connect with Tretij. He looked at his hand, studying it as if he was the one who's seen it for the first time too, as if it wasn't something attached to his own body, a foreign object. "You actually want to touch... that?"
Eli didn't have to answer consciously, not when he was caught, but he still did. "Yes."
"Why though?" Tretij was suspicious of him and it stung worse than any actual pain. Tretij was afraid of him, afraid of hurt he knew came with physical contact.
"I don't know. I just do. I promise it won't be that bad," Eli could try to explain all he wanted, but how do you explain something you don't fully understand yourself. So he extended his own arm, trying not to look wounded whan Tretij flinched. He held it up for Tretij, patient, waiting, like you would when approaching an animal, and Eli thought that maybe it wasn't far from the truth. They were animals, untamed, feral.
"I'm not a wild dog, Ellie", Tretij's voice came, actually amused at the comparison. "If you want it so much, I guess I could try for you". Slowly, unsurely he raised his arm back up again, hovering it over Eli's, clearly conflicted before making the contact, simply placing his hand over Eli's, an awkward gesture, nothing like Eli actually wanted, but still he drank it in, marvelling at the feeling of those bone-thin fingers against his open palm. They were a bit clammy, but he didn't mind, it somehow seemed very in character for Tretij. The psychic's apprehension and discomfort reading clearly both in his gestures and in his thoughts. If Eli didn't feel guilty before, he was now. Still, he had to go for it, because who knew when he was ever getting another chance.
"Can I hold it?", he blurted out, knowing that if he hesitated, he wouldn't be able to ask.
He could practically hear the gears turning over in Tretij's brain. "I don't think I enjoy it as much as you do, but it's not that bad. So yes, you can."
Guilt fighting with joy, Eli had to gather all of his will to not immidiately grab ad squeeze. With more care than he ever applied to anything, he moved, trying not to apply any pressure at all. Tretij seemed to notice his intention and moved himself, spreading out his fingers, letting Eli's entwine with his. When Eli wouldn't do it, Tretij slightly squeezed his hand himself. Still clearly bewildered, but a little bit amused now at Eli's reaction.
Eli found himself completely frozen in place for the first time in his life, just staring dumbfounded at their joined hands. "Wow. That's weird".
"Yeah, I don't get it either", Tretij chuckled, actually audiably chuckled, a bit nervously.
They stayed like this for a while, Tretij's thughts eventually calming down, getting used to the sensation even if Eli could tell it still wasn't entirely comfortable. Still, Tretij actually let him do that, and that was unthinkable, so much trust suddenly put onto Eli. No one ever did anything for him, no one except Tretij, and now he was making an effort for Eli's sake and for some reason the thought warmed Eli's insides.
"Ellie. Has anyone ever told you that you think too much?" came Tretij's voice in his mind after a while spent in silence. "Touching you makes your thoughts even louder."
Eli thought of retracting his touch at that, but Tretij actually held on, not letting him go. It wasn't like he wasn't already ashamed of his thoughts, but the usual complaint was that Eli was stupid, thoughtless. Quite the opposite.
Tretij stared. His eyes behind lenses flickering back and forth between Eli's own and their joined hands. It seemed that Tretij was struggling finding a correct word for something he couldn't quite place. Finally, the words came, unsure, but still at terrifying and final as a gunshot. "You... like me, don't you, Ellie?"
Sputtering, Eli finally yanked away his hand, immidiately regretting the loss, but feeling all the more embarassed by what was on his mind. How clearly his intentions must have been broadcasted that even a person who didn't really understand the concept, got the idea.
"Gross", came another chuckle and Eli was pretty sure his heart dropped with that single word. He was absolutely mortified. He's done it. He made his only friend weirded out by his stupid weakness, stupid feelings, stupid...
"Gross is not bad, though" and Eli's heart was back in his throat, beating hard enough to hurt, a trapped restless creature. "I can deal with gross".
Eli was pretty sure he's never felt this happy in his entire life. Acceptance, something he could have never dream to have. He could just hug Tretij, overwhelmed by his awkward badly-concealed fondness finally finding actual release.
"Do not. Maybe next time I'll actually let you though", Tretij's smile was audible somehow despite not a single word being said. Eli could only grin back, as Mantis extended his hand again, now covered by the usual cloth, patting him on the head, clearly unsure of what the gesture was supposed to mean.
"Just don't get used to this" were the last words Eli heard before Tretij disapparated away.