Archive of Our Own ^beta

Hey homecoming queen, why do you lie when somebody's mean? Where do you hide? Do people assume you're always alright? Been so good at smiling most of your life…

Evan Buckley found himself in a place that was quickly becoming far too familiar to him. Hiding in the alley behind the 118 Fire Station wasn’t ideal, but it was the only place for Buck to escape the anxiety caused by his teammates while he was on shift.

He was so certain that if he’d just apologized enough, tried his best, worked as hard as he could, proved to Bobby and the others that all he’d ever wanted was to just be back on their side, then eventually they would understand why he’d made the choice he had and forgive him.

That was seven months ago.

Sure, things had improved in the time between Buck refusing the money and having his place at the 118 restored. After the first two months of cold shoulder treatment from everyone except Bobby, who unfortunately only really spoke to him to bark orders, they’d all started acknowledging him again. But, considering that the acknowledging was mostly just to make condescending comments, cruel jokes, or glares and sneers in his general direction, Buck would have almost preferred the silent treatment.

He tried to respond the way he always had when they joked at his expense, taking it on the chin or laughing it off—telling himself things were just finally getting back to the way they used to be. Buck had always been good at brushing off mean comments. Hell, he’d practically built his entire facade on his “easy-going, carefree, good guy, take-anything-they-throw-at-you” attitude. This time was no different.

At least, he had hoped it wouldn’t be.

For the next five months, the jokes, the sneers, the attitudes, they all stayed cruel and unrelenting.

“Watch the hoses, estúpido pendejo! We’d hate to have to sue you for replacements.”

“Hey, Eddie! Buckley here seems to think first aid equipment goes on trees! Maybe he can use some of lawsuit winnings to get us replacement bandages!”

“Hey, 118 team! Karen and I are finally expecting! Party at our place next weekend to celebrate. Oh, not you, Buckley! I’d hate to have you get hurt on my property and sue for damages!”

It hadn’t mattered how many times Buck reminded them he didn’t take the money, that it was never about money, they still held the lawsuit over his head.

The longer the jibes went on, the harder it got to keep grinning and bearing it. Buck spent his whole life finding ways to smile through pain, he thought it should have been easier to deal with this time. These people were his family; surely they’d come around eventually?

The sound of the station’s alarm bells yanked Buck from his thoughts and he quickly wrenched himself from the shimmering heat of the pavement behind the firehouse. He slipped in through the back entrance, chucking his hardly touched deli sandwich into the dumpster on the way, and raced to his gear to suit up.

“Buckley! You’re sitting this one out.”

Bobby’s voice halted his movements and sent a tremor up Buck’s spine. “Are-are you sure you don’t need me, Cap?”

Before Bobby could answer, Eddie jumped in with a cold sneer. “Nah, we got a motor vehicle-yacht collision in Marina del Rey that’s going to require search and rescue. We know how reliable you are with water accidents, so it’s probably best you sit this out.”

Buck tried not to let his jaw drop open, to ignore the tears burning the back of his eyes, to pretend like Eddie’s sarcastic comment—his complete lack of faith in Buck while making light of the disaster he’d endured—hadn’t gutted him in two.  

Bobby seemed almost tempted to intervene, but before he could Eddie had whipped on his jacket and ran to the ladder truck. Ignoring Buck’s reddening eyes and cheeks, his clenched jaw, and trembling hands, Bobby gave an imperceptible nod and turned to follow Eddie. He didn’t even bother to give the dejected team member a command on what he should do while everyone else was completing a rescue Buck was perceived incapable of handling.

Thankfully, after seven months of ongoing punishment by way of his name being on almost every chore on the Fire House chart, Buck knew the leftover lunch dishes and the always-needing-a-scrub bathrooms spoke for themselves as to what Buck’s marching orders were.

Look damn good in the dress, zipping up the mess, dancing with your best foot forward. Does it get hard to have to play the part? Nobody's feeling sorry for ya…

A few days after the Marina rescue, which had gone off without a hitch and nobody let him forget it, Buck stood before his bathroom mirror tying the tie on his dress blues. He tried to pretend the sight of himself successfully tying the knot on his first try without Bobby’s guidance didn’t feel like a sucker punch to the gut.

On a normal day, he wouldn’t be invited to any occasions worth dressing up for—the missed birthdays, baby shower, and holiday gatherings were all the proof Buck needed for that. But, today was different. Chimney was being honored by the city of Los Angeles with a Lifesaving Medal and Eddie was receiving a Meritorious Service Medal—both for the Doheny Park fire months earlier. Chim’s medal was for making a significant contribution to the rescue effort while off-duty by calling in the 217’s air tanker, and Eddie’s was for going above the call of duty to rescue the kid’s life. All members of the 118, hated or not, were expected to attend the ceremony.

Taking a deep breath, Buck brushed imaginary lint off the front of the jacket he hadn’t worn in almost a year and looked at himself once more in the mirror. He looked damn good as always, but he couldn’t help but feel like everything underneath all of this was just a disaster waiting to spill out of him. He did the best he could to keep a happy face on, to keep pushing forward despite every obstacle that got thrown at him, but lately keeping everything bottled up was getting harder and harder.

Briefly, he considered not going, just hiding out in the safety of his home where he could be alone and sheltered, rather than exposed and vulnerable. It was selfish, he knew, especially considering how difficult it was to get the whole team in a room with him and not badger or berate him for more than five minutes. This was what he wanted: to be part of his team again. And even though the circumstances hadn’t been ideal, he only had himself to blame.

He deserved what he got and if this was the best he would ever get, the team hating him but at least acknowledging him in some capacity while he got to do what he loved, Buck would take it with a smile and keep his mouth shut.

Buck wasn’t getting rescued; he was all he had.

Checking his watch, he realized if he didn’t hurry, he would be even later than was appropriate for sneaking in through a side door and hiding in the back until he needed to be noticed to prove his attendance. Grabbing up his keys and firing off a quick text to Maddie—the only person willing to see completely beyond his stupid mistake—that he’d see her after the ceremony, he darted out his loft door.

But what if I told you the world wouldn't end if you started showing what's under your skin. What if you let 'em all in on the lie? Even the homecoming queen cries…

He wouldn’t see her, of course, as he always managed to find some excuse to avoid her and let her go on living her life as happily and naively as possible. Sometimes though, it was nice to pretend things were normal.

Buck had tried finding a way to tell Maddie about everything that had been going on at the 118, to let her in on the truth of what his life and the state of his relationships had become. She was all he had after all; she loved him and would believe him; he was sure of it. Maybe things would be okay if he just told her the truth.

But he just couldn’t do it.

After everything Maddie had gone through with their parents, with Doug, he just couldn’t find it in himself to be responsible for anyone else letting her down. She deserved Chimney, she deserved the security of the 118, and Buck wouldn’t be the one to take it from her simply because he wasn’t happy with how things turned out for himself.

Maddie deserved to be the one taken care of for once, to know that she was surrounded by people who loved her and would keep her safe from anything. Even Buck’s less-than-ideal treatment at the hands of said people. She spent her whole life trying to protect him; now, it was Buck’s turn to do the same for her. If it meant Buck had to tell every lie in the book about how welcoming and wonderful everyone had been to him since he returned to active duty, he’d spend his last breath lying to ensure she never knew the horrible truth.

It didn’t matter how Buck felt; this was what he’d asked for. He wanted to be back with his team, for everyone to be happy, and even if he wasn’t completely, he had to accept that this was just how things were going to be from now on. So long as everyone else was okay, he could take a few extra scrapes and bruises on the inside.

Hey homecoming queen, how's things at home? Still walking on eggshells when that curtain's closed? Did your daddy teach you how to act tough? Or more like your momma? Sweep it under the rug?

The ceremony went perfectly, and Buck managed to see everything and bolt before he caused any trouble with his appearance. Chim and Eddie looked heroic as all get out receiving their medals, and Maddie…Maddie looked so proud of the paramedic she’d come to love so well. Buck knew his hurt at barely being welcome at the event was worth it to see the joy on his big sister’s face.

It almost made up for the ripples of pain that flooded through him at seeing Christopher be the first to congratulate Eddie once the man had made it off the stage. Knowing it had been almost a year since he’d seen the kid who’d become so precious to him and who he’d almost lost in an epic disaster pierced his heart like a poisoned arrow. The pain of it sent his hand pressing against his chest to hold himself together, his knees nearly collapsing beneath him from the weight of his sadness. He had to quickly avert his eyes when he noticed Bobby staring at him in what he knew couldn’t possibly be concern.

Buck had departed quickly after that, unable to halt the tremors in his hands or the laboring breaths stuttering out of his throat. He’d made brief eye contact with Hen as he’d started to slip out the rear entrance, the woman he’d once thought of as a surrogate aunt looking like she might say something in response to his departure, but he didn’t wait around to find out what sort of hasty, irritated retort she might make. He merely clenched his jaw, gave a short nod of acknowledgment, and disappeared.

After that, things were pretty much the same as they had been. Another month passed, and Buck continued to tiptoe around the 118, just trying to find a new place he fit from day to day. He did his best to keep up the façade, that the jeers and sneers and glares hadn’t gotten to him yet, that he was simply glad to be there at all. He hardly said two words to anyone most days, taking the verbal lashings and glares on the chin, while his “chagrined” smile acted as his only response. The mask had gotten harder to keep glued into place, but he thought he’d been doing okay.

Home at night, that was another story.

~ · ~

He’d learned years ago that a public face was easier to maintain than trying to keep up a charade behind closed doors, behind the safety of door locks and screaming music to block the outside. No matter how difficult it was not to let anyone see him cry, that was still a cakewalk for Buck compared to the slamming of his door at night to confront the demons that haunted him.

Buck and Maddie’s parents were the kind that paid attention to their children only when it counted towards public perception. His father was a wealthy defense attorney in Philadelphia, with a possible hand in the mob and a glass of $200 scotch never more than a few inches away. His mother, the former society debutante, was a charity ball queen, closeted alcoholic, and professional concealer applier. Nobody knew how to hide a black eye better than his mother, and Maddie and Buck learned early in life what going against either of their parents would mean for them.

Maddie being four years older than Buck had been both good and bad for the pair. Good, because she’d always been there to guide him however he needed, and bad, because when she left, he became the target. By the time he’d reached the age of 14, Buck had started standing in front of Maddie when their father went on a drunken tirade while their mother pretended not to be a witness. Once Maddie left, Buck could only defend himself. It wasn’t something he’d ever had to do before, and he found it confusing and daunting at the time. Protecting Maddie had been a no brainer; she was his older sister, sure, but he was her brother. It was his job to keep her safe, no matter the cost.

She hadn’t wanted to leave him, but college and nursing school had been her ticket out of the path of the family cannons. Buck insisted she go, told her that in four years, when his time came, he’d join her at Penn State and the pair of them would finally be free together. Watching her leave in the middle of the night had broken a part of 14-year old Evan Buckley that he was never able to reclaim.

Their father was furious, of course. Gave Buck the dressing down of his life before nailing him in the face with the enormous ceramic ashtray that held pride of place on his office desk.

Passing the scar off as a birthmark still managed to fool everyone but Maddie. She knew better.

Dominic Buckley wasn’t a man to be trifled with, but aside from casting Maddie out of the family and revoking her trust fund, there was little he could do to harm her anymore. He turned his efforts into trying to turn Buck into the well-behaved child he’d always wanted, teaching him what it meant to be a man in the Buckley family. His mother Delia, on the other hand, returned to her gin, charities, and pretending like her husband beating her and her children didn’t faze her.

When Buck fought his father’s efforts to mold him tooth and nail, Dominic’s lashing out got worse than it ever had. It was almost ironic because, in the process of fighting his father’s “teachings”, Buck did end up far tougher than he ever had been. And when being tough failed him, he just buried everything deep down inside himself in a place that couldn’t get to him. He constantly felt like he was being drawn in all different directions, unsure of if or when he may explode from the pressure of it all, but he knew he had to hold out—if only to continue protecting Maddie. She couldn’t know what her leaving had done, couldn’t think it was her fault.

Buck made it two years before he couldn’t fight so hard anymore. A guidance counselor at his private school had taken pity on him about a year after Maddie left, helping him to complete his high school education by the age of 17, allowing him to graduate early. Much like the night Maddie left, one evening in June while his parents were at a function for the Franklin Institute, Buck packed everything that meant anything to him into the back of his ’07 Jeep Wrangler and took off.

He originally headed for Hershey where Maddie worked in a hospital ER, but he quickly realized he couldn’t stick around and disrupt his sister’s life. She’d eloped a year prior and her husband Doug didn’t seem too comfortable with the idea of his wife’s brother sticking around his house. Something about Doug rubbed Buck the wrong way, reminded him a little too much of his father. The way he expected everything to fit just right, the way he’d look at Maddie like he was staring through her, like she were keeping secrets hidden deep within herself from him and he needed to get access to whatever they were.

Buck tried to ignore the little voice in his head telling him something wasn’t right, that Maddie’s constant excuses for why she couldn’t go anywhere without a sweater in the dead of summer was really just because she’d gotten used to the long sleeves, because she was always just cold, because she didn’t want to get a suntan.

Buck spent a week trying to convince himself that Maddie was fine, that he didn’t need to shove her in his jeep and speed off far away from Pennsylvania, their parents, and Doug. After everything Maddie had done to keep him safe, Buck hated that he couldn’t do the same for her. He hated that there was something it felt like she needed to be protected from and he couldn’t—either because there really was nothing wrong or because she couldn’t let him.

Buck couldn’t help but feel like the past four years she’d spent encouraging him to do what he had to do to escape the life they’d once had had only led her to a worse one. That the more time Maddie had spent doing her best for Buck, even from far away, had cost her paying attention to her own safety and wellbeing. It was the ultimate failure of his life up to then.

Even though Buck wasn’t fully convinced there was nothing he should be wary of, that there wasn’t something about Doug that kept Maddie in danger, Maddie wouldn’t budge. She said all the right things to convince Buck that Doug was a good man who was just a little rough around the edges—unlike her immediately-loveable, little brother.

She told Buck she’d be fine, that he didn’t need to stick around. When he finished packing up his meager belongings in his Jeep and was getting ready to leave the driveway of Maddie and Doug’s suburban home, she encouraged him again, “Go on, Buck! Get out there, explore the world. Find out where you belong in it. When you find it, I’ll be there to help you celebrate!”

Buck thought he caught her wince when Doug put his arm around her shoulders and squeezed, but her smile remained just as bright and he truly hoped he’d just imagined something bad.

Driving away from her had ripped another piece of his soul out, and Buck couldn’t help but feel as though he was making a mistake. He wanted to go, and yet he felt like he should be turning right around. But, she told him to go and if she was sure, he’d listen to her, just like he always had. Buck wanted to believe she would be alright, and the further he drove, the easier it got to convince himself that his mantra of she’ll be fine she’ll be fine she’ll be fine was true.

Look damn good in the dress, zipping up the mess, dancing with your best foot forward. Did you want the crown, or does it weigh you down? Nobody's feeling sorry for ya…

Buck spent the next four months driving across the country, working where he could and learning different skills, trying to figure out his “place” in the world. Saving every bit of money he’d ever been given by way of gifts or allowances throughout his formative years had provided him a decent cushion of funds, even without his substantial trust fund—which he could only assume his father had absorbed like he did Maddie’s. He was just grateful he had the forethought to retrieve his necessary identification out of his father’s office before leaving Philadelphia. That, and that the title to his Jeep listed his name instead of his father’s.

When his 18^th birthday rolled around a few months after leaving, he instantly ordered a new passport and headed to South America. There was plenty of United States to see, but Buck wanted to escape the memories of North America for a while and go somewhere warmer. He’d asked Maddie if she’d come with him, even for a little while, but she begged him off with a series of excuses that had his ears ringing and his hands trembling in fear.

Buck spent another three years driving up and down the west coast of South America, spending most of his time in Chile, learning to surf, tending bar, and attempting to figure out who he was away from the overbearing weight of his past. He was never sure if he was running away or towards something, but the dark of the night got easier to face the farther away he got. His music was a little less loud each night, his door locks slammed home with a little less force.

He’d taken his laptop when he left Philly and even though it was basically held together with duct tape and chewing gum by now, he still managed to fire off an email to Maddie every night, letting her know he was safe, what he was doing, and asking her how things were up North. He tried to stress that she could call him anytime, regardless of the time difference, and that he’d always be eager to hear from her. Unfortunately, Buck’s ancient flip phone rarely rang from anyone besides his boss of the month, and he couldn’t tell if the idea of Maddie preferring to write instead of call was a good thing or not.

Despite the freedom and escape from his past, Buck occasionally still felt his hands shake with fear and a roaring in his ears like there was something more he should be doing for himself, for Maddie.

Eventually, the warmth of the south wasn’t enough to keep him from his sister and he decided to head back north to find her again. Luckily, she hadn’t left Hershey. Unluckily, she was still with Doug and there was still something about his brother-in-law that made him anxious. Maddie’s smiles were too perfect, her sleeves still long, and her flinches at every little sound—whether Doug was around her not—were exhausting to watch.

Buck stuck around Hershey for a few months, keeping his eye on Maddie, much to Doug’s almost-but-not-quite-obvious irritation. Buck never had the courage to ask Maddie if his staying so close for so long that year was a blessing or a punishment for her.

Despite his trepidations about his sister, he found ways to keep busy. He still tended bar—Tom Cruise had nothing on him at this point—to keep his bank account happy, took a few courses at the local community college, and generally tried to figure out what he should do with his life.

By the time his birthday rolled around again, Buck was finding land-locked Pennsylvania more than he could handle. He missed the warmth of the southern air and the call of the ocean, but he also didn’t want to abandon Maddie again—no matter how much her reassurances of security rang in his ears. He’d come so far in moving on, of not allowing the demons of the night to creep back upon him and leave him quaking and petrified, but the idea of Maddie living in fear herself, regardless of her assurances, still left him riddled with guilt and anxiety.

It was three days after his 22^nd birthday, while he was sitting in the middle of the HACC campus quad trying to force down a dry sandwich and flicking through a “What should you do with your life?” quiz on his laptop, when he heard the screams.

Whipping his head up, Buck saw a kid who couldn’t have been much younger than him standing on the edge of the McCormick Library, his whole body clearly trembling and swaying with the strength of holding himself from teetering over the edge in the wind. Other students were staring and pointing at the kid, shouts of “Call 911! Call campus security!” reaching Buck’s ears.

Looking around, he knew campus police wouldn’t make it from the safety building in time, and 9-1-1 had even less time. It took him all of three seconds’ deciding before he sprinted into the building, up the steps, and through the library stacks until he reached the roof access.

Busting onto the roof, he did his best to approach the guy slowly, his hands held up in surrender, while he kept his voice soft and light. “H-hey, wait.”

The young man swept his head to the left, acknowledging Buck, and thankfully not moving too much in the bluster of the wind. “You shouldn’t be up here.”

“We both probably shouldn’t be. What’s your name, kid?”

“Will, Will Carlisle.” Will had turned his head to stare back out over the campus. Later, Buck would recollect on the kid’s ability to look out instead of down, while on the verge of his own demise. “You?”

“Buck, everyone calls me Buck.”

“Why?”

Buck wasn’t sure if he should be thrilled or concerned the kid hadn’t jumped yet. He did his best to remain calm and keep the kid talking. If that’s what it took, it’s what he’d do. “My last name is Buckley. My sister was four when I was born and decided ‘Evan’ was a stupid name, so she insisted I should go by ‘Buck’.”

“She sounds nice. Wish I had a sister,” Will’s voice had trailed off wistfully, his gaze growing misty as if he was remembering something he’d forgotten.

“If you don’t mind my asking, Will, what are you doing up here?” Buck kept his hands where Will could see them while he slowly moved closer to the edge. He stopped when there were only a few feet between the pair.

“It’s uh…probably stupid. I’m just-just so tired, Buck.”

“Tired of what, Will?”

“All of it. Tired of being everyone’s ‘Golden Boy’, of walking around like nothing’s killing me on the inside, like everything for me is so easy and nothing hurts the way it does everyone else.” Will had raised his hands in resignation before clenching his fists on his last statement. “I didn’t ask for this, this weight of having to take care of everything and everyone. Being everyone’s everything. It’s too much.”

Buck tried his best to follow what the kid was saying, but without really knowing him, he was having a difficult time figuring out the right thing to say. “Well, I don’t know specifically what’s weighing you down here, Will. I don’t think anyone can really know what makes every other person feel their heaviest. But,” he paused to inhale deeply, uncertain now if he was addressing Will or himself. “I can tell you that I know how it feels to be responsible for things you don’t want to carry alone. How lonely it can be, to take care of everyone else before yourself. To put everything and everyone else that matters more before you. To constantly wonder if there is more you should be doing, more you could do for the people that count most while neglecting to consider yourself.”

Will turned his head to look at Buck again, almost nodding along in understanding. Buck felt guilty that this kid was up here to end his own suffering and here Buck was dumping more on him. He tried to navigate the conversation back to why he was here when he heard sirens roaring in the distance.

“Look, Will, if this is what you really want for yourself, I can’t stop you. It’s not up to me to decide that for you, especially when I barely have an idea of what you’re carrying. I won’t even tell you that stepping back from that ledge will be better than stepping over it.” Will’s eyes seemed to get redder and mistier the longer Buck talked. “What I can tell you, with complete certainty, is that there is always a possibility things could be better. Maybe not right away, maybe not the way you think, but there is always a chance. If that is enough reason for you to try, to move away from that ledge, do it.”

Will turned back to stare over the edge, eyeing the ambulance and firetruck that pulled up, the crowds of people gathered to watch what he might do. He seemed to waver for a moment, looking like he couldn’t figure out which choice was right.

The least Buck could do now was try.  

“Will,” the teen’s eyes flickered towards Buck, not realizing the latter had held out his hand towards him. “Take it. Please.”

The younger man seemed to freeze for a small infinity, tears leaking from the corners of his eyes before he raised his arm and placed his hand in Buck’s. The older of the two pulled the kid back from the ledge and into his arms, giving him a hug he wasn’t sure Will wanted but felt like he could use. The fact that Buck could feel the kid shaking and sobbing into his shirt told him it was the right choice.

After walking Will out of the Library and into the hands of paramedics, a soft “thank you” falling from the teen’s lips, Buck ran towards the tree he’d left his stuff—small miracles that it was all still there—and flew towards his jeep in the parking lot.

He finally knew what he wanted to do with his life.

After a hastened trip to find Maddie in her hospital’s cafeteria, Buck explained that he wanted to help people, that he wanted to rescue them from their worst nightmares, from the precipices of disaster. He tried to stress in his words that he wanted to help her that way, but she either didn’t catch his meaning or ignored it.

She nearly lost it when he told her he wanted to be a Navy Seal, begging him to reconsider when the job was as dangerous and all-consuming as she’d heard. Buck wouldn’t budge though. He wanted to help people, he wanted to do it near the water, and he wanted to be part of a formidable team. Eventually, whether she truly wanted to or not, she came around to the idea.

Since Buck hadn’t had a true “home” anywhere in years, he decided to move where he wanted his home base to be before enlisting. Since the East Coast was too cold and Hawaii was too removed from Maddie, Buck chose the only other logical place: California.

Leaving his sister a second time, with even stronger suspicions about Doug leeching into his every atom, was like cutting himself repeatedly with rusty barbed wire. He didn’t want to do it, tried to force out the question he dreaded asking her, tried to make her tell him the truth of what was really going on.

Years later, she’d tell him she wouldn’t have been honest anyway.

But withdraw from school, finish his lease, pack his stuff, and leave he did. He’d had more than enough money in savings to buy real estate if he wanted, even in California. Instead, he settled on buying a new Jeep Wrangler, laptop, and cell phone, renting a small U-Haul for the few things he actually owned and hadn’t rented, and decided to consider living arrangements after he enlisted.

Saying goodbye to Maddie was harder this time. He couldn’t even look back in the rearview mirror.

Buck made good time to California, even with the occasional tourist stop, and before he knew it, he’d made it to Los Angeles. He ventured into the first Naval Enlistment office he could find and told them he was there to be a Seal.

He passed every physical exam with flying colors, already being a certified diver helped, and managed to enjoy the preliminary enlistment process. Taking orders was something he struggled with, even five years after he’d escaped from his overbearing father, but Buck told himself he would get used to it. He would learn.

Learn, he did, but not the way he thought. After a few weeks of rigorous testing, taking orders, feeling confident in his ability to be physically ready for the job, Buck soon realized that mentally and emotionally it was never going to happen. He still sometimes felt like a mess held together with band-aids on a good day, and he knew that one of the best parts of him was his ability to empathize with people. His desire to help, to even become a Seal at all, stemmed from his overwhelming need to do good for people, to change their lives, to save them.

He simply felt too much to be the kind of Seal they wanted or needed.

The shame of dropping out of the program weighed on him almost as much as his constant, nagging thoughts about Maddie. He hated that he’d failed, but he tried not to fault himself for why. Buck didn’t want to be a machine, and if that’s what it took to be a Seal, it obviously wasn’t the kind of hero work he needed to be doing.

Maddie told him it would all work out, that the thing he was meant to do with his life was out there. “You’ll stumble upon it when you stop looking for it,” she’d told him.

It’s funny how life worked sometimes.

Deciding he’d stay in California, despite his failure, Buck had managed to find his way to yet another community college. He’d spent a few weeks exploring the different national forests California boasted when he came across College of the Desert. It was as he’d been wandering around the campus, enraptured in all the glass, modern architecture and the view of the mountains, he saw them.

They looked like a group of ROTC students at first, until Buck realized it was firefighting gear they had started running around with. Students practicing running in hot temperatures with heavy gear, practicing saving lives. It was like the shock to his system Buck had been desperately needing.

He would be a firefighter.

He enrolled in the college’s Fire Technology associate’s program the following spring, thankful that he’d completed most of the general education courses back in Pennsylvania the year before.

Within two years, he received an Associate’s in Fire Science and started training with the Los Angeles Fire Academy. Buck was determined to become a member of the LAFD and would do whatever it took to make it happen. He took every course, every training, everything the Academy had to offer.

The harder he worked, the more practice he got, the more his confidence grew, until soon he became both the person he wanted to be and a person he didn’t recognize. He wasn’t sure if it was the glory of saving lives that turned his head or the constant influence of his roommates who were determined to “screw anything on two female legs”, but Buck soon found himself chasing women as thoroughly as he chased his firefighting dreams.

More than likely the behavior was just the result of him still being too much of a mess for a real relationship.

Either way, he made it through the Academy, and on graduation day, he couldn’t wait to receive his assignment. He just wished Maddie had been there to see it.

Her excuses for not seeing him graduate the Academy rubbed him harder than he wanted. He regretted lashing out at her for it, the sadness leaking from his voice reminding him of a kicked puppy. He knew he didn’t want to be angry at her for it, that it most likely wasn’t her fault, but he couldn’t help but feel like all these excuses were eventually going to be burying her.

Buck was so terrified that there would come a day when he wouldn’t be strong enough to pull her out from underneath it.

His fight and ongoing silence from Maddie notwithstanding, Buck couldn’t contain his joy the day he walked into the 118 Fire House. Meeting his team and being welcomed into the fold was the best feeling he could have ever asked for. It was everything he’d wanted, and he hoped the feeling of safety, welcome, and family he’d immediately received would never leave him.

~ · ~

What if I told you the world wouldn't end if you started showing what's under your skin? What if you let 'em all in on the lie? Even the homecoming queen cries…

In the years he’d spent at COD, then the Academy, then the 118, Buck had moved beyond his former after-dark fears. The ghosts and demons of his past didn’t haunt him as often—if at all—anymore. Finding the family he had, his relationship with Abbie, helping Maddie save herself, spending time with Christopher, and all the little moments in between helped him overpower all the horrible things that once stopped his heart cold, made his hands tremble, and his ears roar with anxiety. He’d found safety; he’d found a home.

Until now.

Now, when he went home at night, the door locks slammed again, the music roared, and his entire body quaked with the effort of not allowing himself to be overcome by his fears. He could tell his facades had started to crack, that the hurtful comments and the behavior towards him at the hands of his teammates was getting to him. He’d tried so hard for so long not to let them hurt him, told himself they didn’t mean it and believed they would stop.

But, maybe, they never would.

Maybe he should just give in, give them what they want, let them rip him open and bleed him out in front of them.

Maybe once they gutted him completely, once they found out there was nothing truly evil to him on the inside except a man haunted by monsters and mistakes and failures of his own making, things could move on from where they’d been stuck.

Maybe it wouldn’t be so terrible if they just found out Evan Buckley really wasn’t worth all the tormenting when he’d already done enough to torment himself.

The thoughts followed him around his loft after another failed attempt at getting down more than a few bites of food and sips of water, a blazing hot shower that scalded the skin on his shoulder blades, and his falling into bed with no amount of fanfare. As the raging torrent returned to his ears and the shaking of his hands moved through his body, Buck surrendered himself to another night of restless sleep and dreams full of screams about his failures, his faults, and his uselessness.

Yeah, what if I told you the sky wouldn't fall? If you lost your composure, said to hell with it all? Not everything pretty sparkles and shines, and even the homecoming queen cries…

Buck woke up one morning in the middle of October feeling like a zombie. Looking in his bathroom mirror, he realized how much he had started to look like one too. In the months since his return to the 118, getting down food had gotten harder and harder, and his eating had been less than healthy considering he wasn’t welcome at Bobby’s table anymore.

Too much coffee, not enough calories, and too much running—literally and figuratively—led to him losing more weight than gaining. He couldn’t help but notice how hollow his eyes looked, the gauntness of his appearance, and the way he seemed to drag himself from place to place rather than walking tall and proud.

Buck sighed at yet another reason for the members of the 118 to mock him, before slipping into his blue 118 department shirt and black work pants. His stomach cramped at the idea of anything heavier than a banana and he downed it in three bites, resisting the urge to spit it right back out. Filling his to-go mug with coffee and grabbing his duffel, he raced out the door to get to the Station House.

The last thing he wanted to do was give Bobby yet another reason to hate him.

L.A. traffic always sucked but he managed to make it to the House with five minutes to spare. He parked far away from everyone else—he quickly learned parking in his former-usual spot led to egging or spray painting of his Jeep and detailing was expensive—before making his way inside.

He kept his head down and moved through the floor towards the locker room as quickly as possible. Buck realized drawing attention to himself just made it harder and he’d gotten really good at being invisible these days.

“Buckley!”

Not invisible enough apparently. Raising his eyes from the floor, Buck took in Bobby standing on the second-floor landing, looking the picture of a Fire Station Captain.

“Y-yes, sir? Captain?”

“Upstairs, now.”

Bobby turned around and disappeared from sight before Buck could respond. The younger team member took a deep breath before hitching his bag on his shoulder and turning back towards the stairs. Keeping his eyes down, Buck did his best to keep a calm mask on his face, trying not to let any cracks show and hoping against hope he wasn’t about to be fired.

Buck wouldn’t be surprised if things had come to that, but it was a lot easier to prevent his breaths from heaving when he pretended like that wasn’t what he was about to walk into.

Reaching the last step, he braced himself for the lion’s den and took one last deep breath. Raising his eyes, he realized he was surrounded by the entire team. Bobby, Hen, Chimney, Eddie, and the rest of the 118. Everyone who had spent the past eight months individually and collectively torturing him, all gathered together in one room.

Wonderful.

“Uh,” Buck quickly cleared his throat and tried to make eye contact with his captain for the first time in what felt like forever. “You asked for me, Captain?” Buck tried to pretend that the sight of everyone gathered in front of him, presenting a united front, didn’t cause him to tremble in fear.

“I did. Do you know what today is, Buckley?”

“Um, W-Wednesday, sir?”

“Yes, but what is the date?”

Buck felt like an idiot because he truly had no idea. He knew it was October, but he rarely looked at a calendar anymore. He hadn’t had a single plan, outing or event to take up his time since the award ceremony the month before. His schedule was work or nothing.

“I’m sorry, Captain, I don’t-don't know. I-I just know it’s October.”

Buck tried to ignore the eyes he could feel on him, the way his teammates shuffled their feet in discomfort, the chuckles at his error. He cast his eyes to the floor again in shame, feeling like a fool because he couldn’t even tell his Captain what day of the month it was. Inhaling another ragged breath, Buck stood and waited for the verbal assault he knew was coming.

“Today…” Bobby paused, seemingly giving Buck a moment to bring his eyes back up to meet his Captain’s, before continuing, “is October 23^rd. Happy 29^th birthday, Buck!”

If Bobby’s words hadn’t completely stopped Buck’s heart, the smile on his face would have. It was a kind smile, not unlike the kinds he used to be on the receiving end of before he’d ruined everything. When the rest of the team followed Bobby’s lead with exclamations of “Surprise!” and a round of noisemakers popping off, Buck thought he must have really lost it.

His jaw dropped at the same time his bag hit the floor, the surprise overwhelming him. He didn’t have words for the scene playing out in front of him; his disbelief was simply too great to escape from.

That is…until he realized this must be some kind of joke, some kind of prank, that they’d all concocted as yet another form of punishment. Invite him back into the fold, make him feel good about himself for once, only to turn on him at the last minute. Who were they kidding?

Buck was a punchline, the guy you invite to a party to roast. He wasn’t the guy you cheer for. Not anymore.

“I’m-I…” he tried to make the words come, tried to ignore the tears burning beneath his eyelids. He hated the way he wanted this to be true yet knew that it wasn’t. Buck hated the way his chest and shoulders tightened with the effort to hold himself together and prevent himself from crying. He could only hope the throbbing breaths he was making only sounded loud to his own ears and not everyone else’s.

For a single moment, Buck considered holding himself back, keeping the mask in place like he’d been doing for so long, let the prank happen the way all the rest had. Keep the boat from rocking and maybe nothing worse would happen.

Then he thought, The hell with it.

The laugh that emerged from his lips was something more akin to a cackle. It was a sound he’d never heard come out of his own body before, a noise more akin to the madness of what little sanity he had left to cling to these past few months. His chest rocked with the force of the hyena-like sounds, tears leaked out of his eyes, and he had to put his hands to his knees to stop himself from keeling over. A few minutes of this went on before Buck could finally make any maneuver remotely like composure and stand back up straight to face his team.

“So…so what’s next? I get a lovely little ‘Happy Birthday’ cheer and then you guys, what? Throw cake in my face? Give me a present and when I open it a flash bomb goes off in my eyes? Or…or maybe we should play ‘Pin the dunce cap on the firefighter who sued us’! Yeah, that sounds like BIG FUN.” In between his tirade, the cackles of twisted mirth started cracking and became more like exasperated cries of agony.

Buck couldn’t imagine why, one by one, each of his fellow firefighters’ faces fell or turned into grimaces and uncomfortable expressions. Bobby took a step forward, quickly raising his hands in the process, and it was only then that Buck realized how much closer Bobby had gotten to him in the time he spent asking him about the date.

Buck hated the way Bobby raising his hands towards him terrified him. Subconsciously, Buck knew Bobby probably wouldn’t physically hurt him. But Buck’s subconscious was long buried under miles of shame, humiliation, fear, and pain. And Bobby, for all his good points, had spent the better part of a year—along with the rest of the 118—making Buck feel like the lowest human being imaginable, and then some. Buck just couldn’t help it.

He flinched.

And it was the flinch that gave Bobby pause. “Buck, I…”

“NO! You don’t get to-to just…NO!” Buck’s head had begun to throb, but he wasn’t sure if it was from a headache, not eating properly for days at a time or the strain of everything that was happening in front of him. White spots danced across his vision, his ears had started thrumming, and his hands were shaking so bad he could barely hold them still for more than a moment. He clenched his hands around his temples, not realizing how much he was shouting.

Buck was just so exhausted; he was exhausted from fighting so hard, trying to keep his head above water, only to find himself pulled back under again. It was like the tsunami all over again, except this time there was no getting out. He didn’t see or hear his captain, his team, anymore. There was only him, his fear, his failures, and the hands coming at him. 

“YOU! You stupid idiot! Why would you ever think you would be okay?! What made you think you could do this, that you were worthy?! You’re just a pathetic, needy, selfish little monster. You’re a monster, Evan Buckley. You don’t get to be happy. YOU DON’T GET TO HAVE THIS LIFE! No no no! You don’t deserve it! You had it and YOU THREW IT AWAY. You’ll stand there and take what is coming to you! YOU WILL LEARN YOUR PLACE. YOUR PLACE. YOUR PLACE. Dark, bad, horrible people like you don’t GET to have this. YOU GET WHAT I GIVE YOU AND YOU WILL LIKE IT.”

The members of the 118 could only stand and watch in agony while the youngest of their team all but tore himself apart in front of them. The devastation in Buck’s voice was matched only by the sight of tears streaming down his face, his shaking hands ripping at his hair and the unseeing way his eyes stared beyond all of them, facing ghosts only he could see.

Bobby was frozen in fear, equally terrified to put his hands down or keep them up. Watching the young man he’d once likened to a son, he couldn’t help but feel the waves of guilt hit him again and again. He was the captain. He was supposed to be responsible for every single member of this house, showing concern and an example. He had let this happen to Buck and had done nothing to stop it.

As quickly as it began, Buck’s anguished self-tirade ended, until all he knew was a hazy darkness to his vision, the piercing silence ringing through his ears, and the trembling of his entire body. His breathing was ragged and racked his chest, leaving a blaze of pain in its wake. He couldn’t think, hear, or even feel. His tormented body and soul knew only pain and then nothing.

Slowly, he took his hands from his head, raised his eyes to look up, and for one shining moment, he saw his Captain. Buck was confused by the expression of utter sorrow on his face, the way he didn’t seem to know what to do with his hands he held aloft in the air. Buck saw Bobby’s mouth form a word, maybe even his name, but he couldn’t hear a thing.

“Why, Cap? Why don’t I feel…anything?”

Buck turned from the rest of his frozen team towards the windows, the glare of the morning sun stretching towards him, before he looked down to his feet hovering over the edge of the steps. And then…he fell.

Hey homecoming queen, why do you lie? When somebody's mean, where do you hide?

Bobby tried to ignore the way the constant beep of the Holter monitor felt like needles in his heart. The sight of Buck, looking so small and weak in the giant hospital bed, pained him in ways he never believed he would feel again.

He couldn’t help but feel the responsibility for Buck’s admittance to the hospital rested solely on him, rather than the dehydration, low blood pressure, extreme fatigue, or weight loss. Not to mention the concussion, broken wrist, fractured ribs, and punctured lung he’d received as a result of his fall down the House staircase.

Witnessing Buck’s breakdown had been gut-wrenching but watching him collapse just out of Bobby’s reach and tumble down the stairs was practically heart-attack-inducing. It took the team seconds to spring into action, but it still felt as though Bobby had already been too late.

“How could I let this happen to you, Buck?”

~ · ~

Hen and Chimney had managed to stabilize Buck at the firehouse and rush him into the ambulance, but in their haste, they missed his rapidly collapsing lung. The failing organ, coupled with his low blood pressure, had Buck’s breaths coming in rapid-fire gasps before sputtering out completely. He’d stopped breathing for only a moment when Hen leaped into action and started CPR.

They got lucky with the hospital only a few miles from the station and the CPR bringing Buck back, but Hen’s constant stream of “Breath, Buck! Come on, honey, breathe!” still rang in Bobby’s ears hours later.

The hospital had successfully set Buck’s wrist, tubed his chest and reflated his lung, wrapped his ribs, and confirmed his concussion was only Grade 2. The kid had managed to sleep through everything and still hadn’t woken up by the time night fell.

Thank the Lord for small favors, Bobby thought later.

By the time Chimney had managed to reach Maddie at the dispatch center and get her down there, half of Bobby’s team was staked out in the waiting room. The 9-1-1 dispatcher rushed to the hospital immediately, only to be pulled away by the doctor handling her brother’s case. Chimney didn’t even get a chance to prepare Maddie for what she’d be told.

Not fifteen minutes after her arrival, Buck’s big sister blew back into the waiting room in a tornado of fury and stormed right up to the four primary members of Buck’s team.

“What the HELL did you all do to my little brother? First, I’m told of his injuries from falling down a staircase IN HIS OWN FIREHOUSE. Then, I’m told he’s showing signs of extreme exhaustion, weight loss, and a weakened heart as a result of dangerously low blood pressure. FINALLY, I’m told that before all these injuries and maladies were discovered, my little brother apparently had a COMPLETE MENTAL BREAKDOWN in front of ALL OF YOU over the birthday party that YOU,” she shouted pointing at Chimney, “told me he would be thrilled by.”

While Maddie had been ranting, she’d paced back and forth directly in front of Bobby, Hen, Chimney, and Eddie, all of whom stood resolutely and took her barbs one right after the other. When she paused, waiting for any response, none of them had the courage to speak first.

“So, tell me, Captain Nash,” Bobby tried not to flinch at the disdain in Maddie’s voice when she said his proper title or crossed her arms and glared at him with a look that would stop a firetruck. “What exactly has been happening to Evan, and why should I allow any of you to leave this hospital with all of your anatomy in full working order while my little brother lies half-dead in a hospital bed?”

“Maddie, I…”

Chimney started to interject, but Maddie cut him with a fierce glare and a wave of her hand before hissing, “I believe I asked Captain Nash.”

“Maddie,” Bobby took a deep breath and softly hung his head in shame, “there are not words enough for me to justify what I’ve done, what I’ve allowed to happen to your brother. It’s my fault, every second of it. Every cold word, every mistreatment, every moment that led to your brother being in that hospital bed is on me.”

“But, Cap,” Eddie tried to interrupt, but Bobby cut him off.

“No, don’t. It’s the truth.” Bobby ignored the tears stinging his eyes and the way Maddie’s seemed to burn with cold fury while she stared him down, her shoulders rapidly rising and falling through the huffy breaths of her anger. “I’m the Captain; I set the precedent. It’s my House, my responsibility to lead you all, and all I’ve done is lead you in a maelstrom of hate against someone who is supposed to be a member of this team, a member of this family. You all participated, but I let it happen. And that…is no one’s fault but mine.”

Bobby sighed heavily again, preparing himself to tell Maddie the complete truth about the last eight months. “The…the truth is, Maddie, that for the last eight months, I’ve stood by and allowed abuse against your brother in every way but physically. I saw it happening, and I looked the other way. I barked orders at him, punished him for something that was never his fault in the first place, and didn’t protect him like I should have. He’s a member of my own House and I let him be treated like he never belonged in the first place. I’m…I’m so sorry, Maddie.” Bobby and Eddie’s eyes each began to slowly run with tears of shame and regret. “I know that means nothing to you, and will most likely mean nothing to Buck, but it’s something that demands to be said.”

“It’s all of our faults, Maddie, not just Bobby’s,” Hen whispered, gently placing her hand on the Captain’s shoulder. “Your brother didn’t deserve a sixteenth of the crap we threw at him. I pride myself on marching to the beat of my own drum, but instead, I jumped right in with everyone else’s idea of what was the “proper” way to treat Buck when he came back. There aren’t enough apologies in the world to atone for this.”

Chimney had been watching the display with a shame not quite matching the others. He may not have been as atrocious in terms of his behavior towards Buck, but he sure as hell hadn’t put a stop to it either. Buck was his girlfriend’s younger brother, a man whose actions had probably saved his life the night Chimney was nearly stabbed to death, and all Chim had done was stand by and let him be taken advantage of and punished over and over and over again. “Maddie…” he started gently, trying his best not to cringe under the weight of her gaze, “I just…want you to know that I know I haven’t been truthful about how things have been at the House. While I never completely lied to you, I didn’t tell the whole truth either. I let you believe things were fine, that I was taking care of your brother and keeping an eye on him when all I really did was play witness to everything that happened to him. I failed him and I failed you. I’m so sorry, Maddie. You and Buck both deserve so much better and it will be the biggest regret of my life that I let things go so far, that I let you both down.”

Maddie stared at each of them, nodding her head in resignation, before turning on Eddie. “And you, Eddie? My brother saved your son’s life, kept him alive in the middle of a tsunami that killed thousands. He spent an entire day searching for him so he could get Christopher back to you, forgoing any concern or care for himself and further injuring himself in the process. And still, he selflessly kept moving, thinking only of Christopher, rather than his own pain.” Eddie’s eyes once more filled with heavy tears of shame, feeling worse for the fact that Maddie wasn’t even yelling at him, but instead speaking with a rational calm he couldn’t escape. “After all of that, how do you explain yourself?”

“I…I can’t, Maddie. There is nothing I can say, nothing on Earth or Heaven, that could justify my actions. It doesn’t matter how angry or broken or justified I felt. I did horrible things in war, things I’ll never be able to atone for. But this? What I’ve done to Buck? I’ll never come back from that. I wouldn’t even know where to begin or if I even deserved a chance to try. I’m…I’m so sorry, Maddie. I’m just so fucking sorry.” Eddie’s head fell into his hands and his knees buckled underneath him, his shoulders wracking with broken, tired sobs.

Maddie swept her gaze across the room as one by one, the additional members of the 118 who’d been able to stick around the hospital stood and hung their heads in disgrace. She took in every person, from the Captain of her brother’s squad, to the firefighters she hadn’t gotten a chance to know by name, to Eddie who remained sobbing in a heap on the floor while Hen had placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“Well, thank you all for being honest for the first time in I don’t even want to know how long. It’s nice to know that when it’s almost too late, you can all be counted upon to come through.” Maddie wiped the tears that had started falling from her eyes in the middle of each team member’s confession, before crossing her arms protectively over herself again. “I won’t ask you to leave. I know my brother; he’s always been the better of the two of us, doing the best he can for everyone and caring more for everyone else than himself. I know, deep down, he’d want you all here. The only thing he’s ever wanted, even before this whole mess started with that damn firetruck crushing him, was a family to love him. It’s what he deserves, and I won’t be the one to take that from him unless it’s what he wants.”

Every member of the 118 tried not to look relieved at Maddie’s decision not to force them out, but they also knew she wasn’t finished with them yet.

“But know this,” the force of a woman paused, her voice taking on a deadly solemnity it hadn’t yet possessed. “If he dies, I will personally see to it that every single one of you spends the rest of your lives regretting every single moment of your participation that led him to this hospital in the first place.”

And with that vow, she turned back to the ICU entrance and disappeared through the double doors. It took only a minute before every member of the 118 had collapsed into each other in some form or another and heaved with sobs of anguish, guilt, and fear for the team member they’d so willingly left behind.

It would be hours before any of them saw Maddie emerge from the ward again, but when she finally did, every member of the 118 had stayed where she’d left them. Each of them displayed redder eyes and shoulders hung heavier with guilt with every hour that had passed.

Grabbing a chair, Maddie slid it in front of Bobby and sat heavily down in it, ripping her hands through her hair for a minute before looking up at him. The Captain took stock of the woman’s equally red eyes, wrinkled blouse, and expression of guilt. That last one gave him pause.

“I haven’t forgiven any of you yet, but I also owe you an apology.”

“P-pardon me?” Hen questioned.

“I rushed down here, found out my brother was a few feet short of coma and listened to each of your confessions fully ready to blame every one of you for his condition. And, in some ways, I would be right to do that. However,” Maddie paused for a moment, her eyes once more shining with tears as she looked up to the ceiling, seemingly looking for the strength to continue. “you are all not the only ones to blame for this. It’s my fault too.”

“Maddie, you didn’t-”

“Exactly, Bobby. I didn’t.” Bobby couldn’t help but feel a hint of gratitude that she’d stopped referring to him as Captain Nash. “I didn’t do anything. I didn’t pay attention. I didn’t ask any questions. I didn’t stop to think about why I’d hardly seen my brother in person in months, why anytime I asked him about making plans or joining us for events or parties, he always had an excuse why he wasn’t there. I didn’t do a damn thing.”

Everyone flinched at the way Maddie’s voice broke on the last sentence, her shoulders quaking with the sobs that had started to seep out of her. Even though he knew she was still furious with him, Chimney couldn’t just sit there and let the woman he hoped would still be his girlfriend tomorrow blame herself for something else that wasn’t her complete responsibility. He slid his chair over next to her and took her in his arms, grateful when she didn’t protest.

Everyone let her cry for a few moments before she removed herself from Chimney’s arms, wiping her eyes, and sighing slowly. “See, something none of you really know is that, for almost our entire lives, Evan and I are all each other really had. We didn’t have a family like this. And once upon a time, I was just as guilty of running off excuse after excuse about why I couldn’t see Evan, why I couldn’t go to him when he wanted me to, why I couldn’t leave Hershey when I know that he knew something was wrong. And even though he thinks he failed me, Evan never stopped trying. He never stopped looking out for me, calling or emailing me, trying to keep in touch, making sure I was still alive. He never gave up. Because that’s who Evan Buckley is; he doesn’t give up. It’s probably the reason all of you managed to make it this far in whatever you’d been doing to him without him bailing on you. You’re the only real family—save for me—that he’s ever had, and I know how much it would kill him to lose you. No matter what it cost him in the interim.”

By the time Maddie has finished confessing to all of them the secrets of her and Evan’s past, the truth about their early lives before they’d both managed to escape Pennsylvania in one form or another, Bobby and the rest of his team couldn’t believe their immense guilt hadn’t opened a pit in the Earth straight to Hell and swallowed them all whole.

Somewhere in the middle of the story, Maddie had reached for Chimney’s hand, seeking the strength to finish what she’d started. By the end, Bobby had rested a comforting hand on her shoulder, trying to show her how much he understood the strength it took for her to say all she had.

Maddie briefly rested her hand on Bobby’s before exhaling loudly and wiping her hands across her eyes. “Thank you all for listening, for staying, and I’m sorry that I placed all the blame for why we’re here on all of you. We’re all equally guilty here, in some way or another, and I’m not going to continue pointing fingers when that isn’t what is going to help Evan. My little brother is a fighter; he’s going to make it. That’s just Evan. And I know, just like I know that you are all some of the best damn firefighters in the state of California, that you’re all better than what you’ve allowed go on for this long. It stops now, because you, we, are all better than this. We need to be better for Evan.”

Buck’s big sister had gazed at each of them in turn, before she continued. “He’ll forgive you, all of you. This family, all of you, it’s the only thing he’s ever wanted. One of the few things he has in life that he’s ever truly been proud of is this group of people sitting here right now. He won’t want to lose you, which is why he’s put up with all that he has for as long as he has. You are the only thing he’s ever wanted for himself, so please, don’t take it from him again.” Her eyes burned into Eddie’s on her last sentence, lingering on him longer than the others.

“Can I…” Maddie’s eyes shifted to Bobby when he started to ask a question before trailing off. She raised an eyebrow in question at him, asking him to continue. “Can I see him, Maddie? Please? I-I just have to…” Bobby couldn’t finish his statement without releasing more tears from his raw eyes.

The young firefighter’s sister seemed to consider his request, a curious expression on her face. Bobby might even call it impressed? Before he could think much more about it, she nodded and waved him towards the double doors. “Go ahead, Bobby.”

He thanked Maddie, this fearsome woman with a grace he could only hope to one day possess, before taking off through the ICU doors. It took only a moment for him to locate Buck’s room, but the sight of the injured man had him hesitating at the room’s entrance. Bobby wanted to weep at the sight of his young friend, the man he still thought of as a second son before he screwed his courage and walked into the room.

~ · ~

It had taken all of 15 minutes of staring at every bandage and bruise on Buck’s body, of listening to the Holter’s steady pulsing, before Bobby once again broke down crying. His entire body shook with the guilt of allowing this to happen, of his betrayal, and for Buck who’d only ever tried to do the best he could. His actions may have sometimes been a misfire, but at least he always tried to make up for it in the end.

Gently taking Buck’s unbroken, right hand in his own, Bobby bent his head over their clasped hands and said another prayer for Buck, for all he’d taken from the kid, for everything that had ever been forcibly taken from Buck. Bobby wept for the frightened, young boy Buck had been, the teenager taking on a monster for his sister, the man chasing down a lost child in a disaster. He prayed for the relentless, unstoppable force that was Evan Buckley.

“I’m so sorry, Evan. I’m so, so sorry I let this happen to you.”

Bobby scraped a hand down his face, wiping away the tears, and clung to Evan’s grip like his life depended on it. He willed the kid to squeeze back, to give him some indication he could hear him.

“I wish I knew how to fix this, kid, how to bring you back out here with us. We all miss you more than you could ever know.” Bobby chuckled mirthlessly at his words. “I know it probably didn’t feel like it for a while there; maybe it still doesn’t. I want you to know, Evan, it was never your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong, anything at all, to deserve what we’ve done. Even the…the suit. We were mad, sure, but I think we all know now why you did it. I’m just so sorry it took all of this happening to you for us to figure it out.”

Bobby tried to breathe, to focus on Buck’s chest rising and falling, to remind himself that the kid was still alive and with him—in some form.

“I know that, that it will probably take you forever to forgive us. Maybe even then you still won’t. But I swear to you, kid, I will spend every day of the rest of my life trying to prove to you that I will never let you down again. Disappointing you, turning on you, failing you is the biggest regret of my entire life. Nothing else I’ve done or anything else I will do can ever touch the severity of what I’ve allowed to happen to you.”

Bobby’s eyes gently rolled across Buck’s face again, feeling the desolation of Buck’s situation seep into his bones again, before raising his weeping eyes to the ceiling, willing God to just cast him into the pit right then and there. Inhaling softly, Bobby lifted a hand to the young man’s head and gently brushed aside a lock of hair curling up on his forehead.

“You’ve always been the best of us, kid. Please don’t ever forget that. I’m so sorry we tried to take that from you, that everything we’ve done has only succeeded in snuffing you out instead of raising you up. And I’m so sorry that, for even one second, we made you think we’d stopped caring, that we stopped loving you, Evan. We never stopped; I never stopped.”

Bobby shook his head, his shoulders shuddering once more with the force of his shame. His throat burned with the rawness of his sobs, while his voice echoed the hollow emptiness that had penetrated him the moment he’d laid eyes on Buck. “You are the son I never thought I would get to have again, Evan Buckley. You are a man a father would be proud to have, that I would have been proud to call my own. I just hope that one day, maybe, you’ll be able to forgive me. To forgive all of us, for what we’ve done. We wouldn’t deserve it, but from what I’ve seen today from Maddie, and always from you, grace and selflessness is a trait you Buckley siblings are riddled with.”

Bobby dropped his eyes and hand from Buck’s form before covering the young man’s hand with both of his own again. “Your forgiveness would be a blessing I wouldn’t deserve, Evan, but one I could only dream to be given someday.”

Bobby allowed his head to rest over his and Buck’s joined hands again. He silently cried over his fallen teammate for a few moments, his trembling shoulders the only indication of the man’s tears, when he felt it.

Fingers softly rested on his hair, and a quiet, broken voice whispered, “You never call me, Evan.”

Afraid he was dreaming, or—if by some miracle he wasn’t—afraid he’d further injure Buck’s wrist with too quick a movement, Bobby slowly raised his head to look at the injured man in front of him.

Buck’s eyes were mostly open and looking far clearer than they had at the beginning of the day. Unfortunately for Bobby, his expression was mostly unreadable, looking like a cross somewhere between disbelief and confusion.

“Buck…h-how much did you hear?”

“Enough…” Buck shuffled in brief discomfort, closing his eyes for a moment, but opening them again. “Enough to know that the last few months weren’t a dream, that the…party…wasn’t a nightmare. That all of this is real.”

Bobby hung his head dejectedly at the younger man’s words, waiting for him to give him what he knew he deserved.

“Enough to know the man I’d started to look towards as a father is still in there somewhere. And that he still cares about me the way I’d always dreamed he would. Enough to know that I can forgive you, Bobby.”

Bobby was almost confused at Buck’s leniency, his immediate ability to simply forgive him for all the horrible things he’d done and allowed done. “But, Buck, after…everything? All that we’ve done to you. You’re willing to…just like that? Why?”

Buck gave his Captain a watery smile, gently squeezing Bobby’s hands enclosed over his. “Because, Bobby, you’re here. You didn’t leave. You…you stayed.” Buck looked at the older man with a reverence Bobby knew he didn’t deserve. “I told her you’d stay.”

Buck closed his eyes again for a moment; he just looked so tired. Bobby couldn’t help the confusion that ran through him though. “Told who, Evan?”

The young firefighter’s eyes remained closed, but he smiled tenderly again. “I like when you call me Evan.” He sighed and didn’t answer Bobby for a short while, seeming to bask in the quiet security of the man’s presence. The silence went on so long, Bobby thought the kid might have fallen back to sleep—until he opened his eyes again. “Maddie. I told Maddie you wouldn’t leave me.”

Bobby inhaled sharply at Buck’s admission, not knowing what to say. Buck sounded so confident like he just knew he could trust Bobby not to abandon him. It was a trust, a belief, Bobby knew he didn’t deserve. He wasn’t about to give Buck reason to doubt him again though. “No, buddy, I won’t leave you. Not again. I don’t make the same reckless mistakes twice if I can help it. And leaving you to face what you did, the team doing what we did to you and allowing you to suffer alone, was the definition of a reckless mistake. I don’t deserve your forgiveness, Evan Buckley. I don’t deserve your forgiving me just like that.”

Bobby’s eyes blazed with guilt and self-loathing before falling to his lap. He shuddered in a breath before exhaling and continuing. “You are too good, Evan. Too good for all of us and too good for this world. People like me shouldn’t get to have people like you, not after what I’ve done. The amount of anger and self-hatred boiling inside me right now could set fire to this entire city and leave the earth beneath it scorched. But I’ll tell you something. If you’re truly willing to forgive me so easily after every little thing I’ve done to deserve nothing but your malice and loathing, you can be damn sure I’ll spend every day until the end of my time here proving to you it was worth it. I also want you to know something else.”

Buck hadn’t said a word throughout Bobby’s speech, allowing the captain the short, self-flagellating monologue. When the older man had paused, blinking away some of the anger he felt towards himself and looking at Buck with a significantly softer expression, the younger of the pair nodded for him to continue.

“The…the party?” Bobby’s voice cracked a bit when he attempted to address the event that had led them both here. “That wasn’t a prank or another form of torment. It was the real deal. After…after the ceremony last month when Hen and I saw you skip out, when we saw the pain, the heartache, on your face, it tore us up. The four of us, me, Hen, Chimney, and Eddie, got together and hashed out everything that had been going on. We realized that we had become the worst kinds of monsters, worse than the ones we fight day after day. You were only trying to do everything you could to be back with us, and not one of us stopped to consider why the job, the House, and all of us would mean so much to you.”

Somewhere along his second speech of the night, both Bobby and Buck had started crying again. Bobby still clung to Buck’s one good hand, and the young firefighter didn’t have the heart to take it from him. He simply blinked through the tears and listened enraptured. “I’m sorry about it all. Every minute of your life that you’ve had to fight off the monsters. Your parents, Doug, us, and all the things that live in the dark you don’t have the strength to tell me about right now. I know what it’s like to be chased by monsters day in and day out, Evan, and I can’t begin to describe the agony I feel knowing I…became one for you.”

Buck’s captain took another deep breath before plunging on, getting to the good part, Buck could only assume. “We didn’t know how to approach you. What could we say to explain our actions? Explain away everything we’d done to you? There aren’t words for our shame, Evan. We figured we couldn’t just come out of nowhere and start pretending like everything was okay again without any explanation, so we were going to come to you on neutral ground. The last thing we wanted was for you to think it was another trick. But, by the time we’d come up with a half-decent plan of what to even start by saying, your birthday was a few days away. We just thought…we thought we could start off on a new, better foot. That we could give you a better birthday than we knew you had last year.”

Bobby looked away from Buck then, the shame of remembering the way they’d forced Buck to spend the entirety of his 28^th birthday alone at the 118 with nothing but silence and orders to “clean the place from top to bottom” to keep him company.

“In retrospect, it was a foolish plan. We were going to surprise you with a cake and then sit you down and individually beg for forgiveness one by one. Try to explain ourselves, if it was even possible, and then beg you for mercy again. But things obviously didn’t go according to plan. After the way we’d treated you, how could you think it was anything other than a twisted joke? I see that now.” Bobby sighed again and looked Buck in the eyes. The fire was back, but there was also a cold steel, ringed in the raw redness of holding back tears. “After everything we’d done to you, kid, I should have never let one more bad thing happen. It was bad enough I’d stood by for months of torment, but that party? I-I saw your face, Evan. I-I watched you break into pieces right in front of me. And it’s-it’s all my fault.”

Bobby’s voice finally cracked and the aching sobs he’d been holding back burst out of him. It reminded Buck of the night he and Hen had gone to Bobby’s and the depressed, relapsed captain had asked them both for help.

Bobby had his head bent over Buck’s leg, his shoulders shaking from the ferocity of his wails, and a steady stream of I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Please, I’m sorry poured from his lips. Buck could only suffer it for a minute before it was enough. He gently pulled himself into a higher sitting position, trying not to wheeze from the pressure on his ribs, and pulled Bobby’s head up from the bed.

Buck freed his good hand from Bobby’s iron grip and wrapped it around the sobbing man’s neck, pulling him in for a hug. Bobby tried to hesitate for a second, afraid of hurting the kid even more, but Buck’s whispered, “Don’t you dare,” stopped the thought in its tracks. Wrapping his arms around Buck as tightly, yet gently, as he was able, Bobby tried to pour every ounce of remorse and love he had towards the young man into the hug.

The two remained lock in an embrace for a few minutes before Buck pulled back and latched onto the side of Bobby’s head with his good hand, willing him to look in his eyes and really hear him. “It’s going to be okay, Bobby. I’m not…I’m not broken. I know that now. Standing on top of that staircase today, I wasn’t so sure I wasn’t broken. In that moment, I felt…nothing. I couldn’t feel a thing, couldn’t see or hear you. It was like a flash grenade really had gone off in my face. I felt so detached from the rest of the world, I didn’t even know I’d plunged down the steps until I woke up in here with Maddie sobbing over me. I didn’t realize how deep I’d allowed myself to plummet amidst all this-this ugliness we had going on. You guys were wrong for what you did, but I was wrong for not stopping it. I let it go on for so long, making excuses, and trying to pretend it was normal to take the kind of abuse I was. It’s something Maddie and I both realized we still need to work on…”

Buck had let go of Bobby’s face and let both his eyes and hand fall to his lap. By the time his sentence trailed off, he was fidgeting and picking at the cotton hospital blanket.

“Hey,” he felt Bobby’s hands on both sides of his head, raising it up slowly so as not to frighten him. “Look at me, Evan Buckley. You may have your share of demons that still haunt you, but you’re not alone. You’re not broken; you never were. And even if you should be able to speak up for yourself, you also should have never been put in a position where you’d have to. Certainly not by all of us. You’re supposed to be our family, Evan, and we sure as hell weren’t treating you like family. But that stops now. You’re like a second son to me, kiddo; it’s time I started treating you the way a father should.”

Buck’s eyes had started watering again and when Bobby practically called him his son, he realized the tears had started dripping down his cheeks. Knowing what his words must have meant to Buck, Bobby gently hugged the younger man to his chest, placing a soft kiss on his hair and resting his chin on top of his head. “You’re a better man than I’ll ever be, Evan. I love you, kiddo, and I’d be proud to call you my son.”

Bobby could feel Buck’s breath hitch in his chest, and he wasn’t sure if he preferred it being in response to his words or pain in his ribs; either way, he hated that the kid was in pain. But despite the sobs he could feel wracking Buck’s body, Bobby could also hear the words of relief he was whispering, thank you thank you thank you.

Bobby just hoped Buck knew thanks wasn’t necessary.

Shortly after that, Bobby relinquished his grip on Buck and the latter fell slowly back against his pillows, gritting his teeth in pain. The captain figured it was probably well-past time for him to receive another round of pain meds, and he insisted on summoning a nurse to give him something.

“But…Bobby,” Buck started to protest, fear of being left still shining so clearly in his eyes, while a nurse came in and slipped some medicine into his IV line.

“Don’t worry, kiddo, I’m not going anywhere. Not even Athena could drag me out of here if you didn’t want it.” Bobby offered up his hand and Buck slapped his palm into it, squeezing while he could as the medicine worked its way through his system.

“Just…please…” Buck’s eyes had grown heavier before they’d started staying closed longer than they did open. His voice trailed off slowly, little more than a whisper. “Just stay with me. Okay…Dad?”

Bobby had to clench his jaw harder than ever to hold back the tears in his eyes…and even then, it didn’t work. He squeezed Buck’s hand tightly in his before turning his gaze up to the ceiling and closing his eyes. For the millionth time that day, Bobby said a little prayer.

“Thank you.”

~ · ~

Time seemed to ripple both quickly and slowly after that.

Slowly because, once again, Buck was forced out of work due to a medical-related recovery period. At least this one didn’t involve any blood thinners. Also, because unfortunately for everyone else, Maddie was a lot less easily forgiving these days than before. Months would go by before she’d agreed to forgive everyone, and Chimney was the last one to make it back in her good graces.

But, more importantly, time moved quickly because, in what seemed like no time at all, life had improved more dramatically than it ever had for Evan Buckley. Things weren’t just good; they were better than they ever had been before.

For some reason, forgiving Bobby had been a lot harder than forgiving everyone else. It still hurt, having to sit there and listen to every single one of their apologies, their self-flagellations, reliving the feelings of torment and abuse they’d all managed to inflict. But, Buck had worse things in life happen to him than a few months’ worth of suffering.

He knew it wouldn’t actually happen overnight, recovering from the damage done, but he was working on it. He returned to his healthy eating habits, started running for fun and fitness again, talked with Maddie about their past and what they really needed to work through together and apart, and started seeing a therapist twice a month. It was one of the hardest things he’d ever done, and on more than one occasion, he was grateful for the comforting presence of Maddie or Bobby in the room with him.

There were a lot more good days than there were bad ones. It took a while for Buck to find his new normal, to be truly comfortable in his skin for the first time in ever, and really know what it meant to accept himself completely as he was without question. But, as his therapist reminded him, healing doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Sometimes, you need more than just you to learn how to love yourself. With that in mind, Buck didn’t see any reason for his weird little family to keep punishing themselves.

So, forgive them he did, one by one, until the only one left was Eddie. It seemed to Buck he’d been saving himself for last.

His apology was second only to Bobby’s in terms of difficulty. Not because Buck had a hard time forgiving him, but because Eddie was having an impossible time forgiving himself. The man spent a solid month after Buck had gotten out of the hospital, visiting him every single day, apologizing more than a dozen times in both languages every single time he saw Buck, bringing Christopher to him or vice versa, and just generally being more wonderful to him than Buck would have once believed he deserved.

Buck eventually realized Eddie may have had deeper priorities than just atoning for his guilt.

Finally, one day shortly after Thanksgiving, Buck snapped and told Eddie he either needed to stop apologizing or Buck was going to deck him. And then sic Athena on him. The woman had been like a Mama Bear towards Buck ever since she too had been clued in the year’s previous events.

According to Bobby, none of them would ever look at a rolling pin the same way again.

“Eddie!” Buck said, grabbing onto the man’s shoulders while they sat on the patio of Eddie’s Abuela’s watching Christopher play with Denny and Harry, “You need to stop. I’ve already forgiven you a million times; I don’t need any more apologies. I’ve got everything I need. My job, my home, my family, this life.” He paused briefly, looking across the yard at the kids, before sliding his hands up to cup Eddie’s cheeks delicately. “You and Christopher. Everything I ever wanted is right here.”

He didn’t think either of them missed the double meaning of his words.

Eddie moved his hands to cup Buck’s own before he pulled his head towards his, resting their foreheads gently against each other while he nodded his understanding.

Eventually, he and Eddie would figure out their next step. It took a lot less time than it did for the team to apologize and Buck was sure grateful.

The commute to the station was a lot easier coming from his and Eddie’s new house than it was from Buck’s old loft. And the next time a Christmas elf told him he had an adorable son, Buck smiled and said, “I know.”

Eventually, the 118 was no longer Buck’s only sanctuary, his only home.

Home, he came to realize, isn’t just four walls and a firetruck. It’s the people riding in the truck with you, and the ones who are waiting for you to climb back out of it.

Home was honesty, patience, and love.

Home was Bobby laughing every time Buck jokingly called him “Dad”, until one day it stopped being a joke and mostly became the truth.

Home was Buck walking Maddie down the aisle, smiling while she and Chimney said their vows, sobbing when he became “Uncle Evan” to the world’s cutest little girl.

Home was saying “I do” with Eddie, signing Christopher’s adoption papers, being introduced as somebody’s dad.

Home was not needing to ever hide himself away in fear behind the back of the 118.

Home was where he had everything, the only place he ever wanted to be, and the place he was going tonight.

The End