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Human hospitals had always been a sore point. Quill never mentioned it to anyone, but he avoided such things like the plague: bad flashbacks, guilt overwhelming him, that sort of thing. And yet, he wasn't the one feeling the fear at the moment.
Perhaps he was feeling nothing at all.
There he laid, still, in a coma. He'd seemed invincible - the hero, the hero never dies, right? - and yet there he was, still and quiet, but breathing. The breathing was the only thing that kept hope alive, and the only thing keeping his boyfriend sane.
Sure, yeah, the rest of the Guardians were claiming that it wasn't his fault (Groot especially), but Rocket was practically a trainwreck at this point, hardly ever saying a word, and hardly even bothering to look at anyone. Most of the time, he was just working on something or another to keep his mind distracted, but it wasn't a surprise when he abruptly stopped and went limp, shaking from tears that he forced himself to choke down. He wasn't fucking weak, and yet, there he was, vulnerable as everything.
He hated Quill for making him this way, and at the same time, he needed him, he just...how the hell do you describe love? Addictive, for one, enough to make you feel like you're not a fucking freak, for another, and...if you could lose it, enough to make you feel like you were already dead inside. He couldn't sleep - what if something happened while he was asleep? He couldn't allow it, besides the fact that he had nothing on his mind but nightmares. Groot had stayed by Rocket's side - best friends 'til the end, of course - and had tried to keep his friend from going insane, but nothing he could do would help much.
It was that one goddamn battle - god, how he blamed himself for that - and that took away everything.
That was worse than dying.
"--hey? Rocket?" Quill asked, tapping at his friend's door. "You, uh....you alright in there?"
"I'm fine, fuck off!"
"...Those are two very conflicting responses!"
The raccoon opened the door, staring up at his friend with an annoyed frown. "What, did the rest of the group send you over here to talk to me because I 'blew up at them'? You're the only one who can solve my 'emotional problems'?"
"Actually, no, I came because I was genuinely concerned, believe it or not."
"I don't."
"I expected as much." Quill sighed, shaking his head. "Honest to God, what was that even about? I mean, yeah, you blowing up isn't exactly rare, but...usually there's a reason, at least. All anyone can say is that you were talking to Groot and apparently he said something wrong, because you fucking lost it."
"He didn't say anything wrong."
"...Then what was it?"
"If anything's wrong, it's me. I'm wrong. I'm a weak, useless, piece of shit little animal, and you all only keep me around out of pity. No one else would give a shit, so you all take me in as your burden. I'm sociopathic, bloodthirsty, short-tempered, useless, ugly, a pain-in-the-ass...and I should be dead right now instead of standing here."
"Rocket, you know all of that isn't true--"
"Quill. I know all of it is true. I'm weak. I gain more weaknesses every day." He looked down, not removing his gaze from the floor. "It gets worse and worse."
"Rocket. You're not weak, okay? You're the strongest guy I know, don't tell Drax and Groot I said that. But really. We'd be nothing without you, and we're not keeping you out of pity. We're your friends, alright?"
Rocket started laughing bitterly at the word 'friends'. "Hah, yeah, not for long."
"And why the hell do you think that?"
"You want to know what Groot said to piss me off? He just reminded me of the fact that I have one enormous weakness, and it's something I shouldn't even have. It's fucking...wrong to have. Wrong. I'm a goddamn sick little shit for even thinking about it."
"Oh, c'mon, nothing could be that bad--"
"You'd think that, yeah. Ya wanna know what it is?"
"What?"
"You. --How the fuck do I put this...ugh, fuck it. I'm a stupid little piece of shit animal who's in love with you, and that alone makes me want to blow my brains out, because I'm mentally sick in the head for even thinking like this. You were the last person I wanted to see because I--why the hell else do you think I put my life on the line for you on a daily basis?! I just sit there, and I go 'oh, yeah, this is going to give me false hope, just shut up and do your job,' "
"Rocket."
"So I go out there and I do it. You don't know how much a simple 'good job' makes me act like a dipshit. I'm so fucking desperate that I think I've even started being jealous of Gamora--"
"Rocket."
"--and she knows it, too. She asks me why I've been more 'snappy than usual' and I have to put on a happy face and go 'oh, no reason really, just the fact that you're a fucking attractive woman with a perfect tragic history so you can have sappy-ass calming sex or something--"
"ROCKET."
"--and I don't even know if you've done it yet. I mean, if you did, good for you, I'm...once again pretty fucking jealous, but..."
"OH, FUCK IT."
"Wh--mmm?!" That got him to shut up quite well, going limp into his 'friend's' arms due to a mix of shock and pleasure, as the human had kneeled down and kissed him right on the lips. "...mmm..." He slowly shut his eyes, stumbling a bit, bright red in the face. When the kiss finally broke, Quill just smirked at Rocket's expression.
"Now are you reassured?"
"....yeah."
"By the way, if you're mentally fucked up, I'm even more mentally fucked up than you are. Leagues more. And, somehow, I'm okay with that."
That was enough to get Rocket to smile, genuinely, for perhaps the first time in his life.
The raccoon curled in upon himself, letting out a long breath, looking up at the clock with a grimace. 3 AM. And it'd been, what, a week now? Another sleepless night was ahead of him. He peeked into the room nearby - no dice, Quill was still lying there, gone to the world, hopefully not forever. But he'd wait. He'd wait as long as it took, if there was even a sliver of hope at bringing him back.
Love really did make you stupid and desperate, didn't it? He could certainly tell that he'd gotten there, however much he wouldn't admit it out loud. He was even getting mad at him - don't leave me now, you bastard! You're mine, and...and that means you can't leave without my permission! Mine! This is the worst thing you've ever done to me, and if I didn't love you, I'd kill you! Blam! Murder ya! Real good thing that I am in love with you, and...I....I'm so alone without you...
Why did the world seem so much brighter all of the sudden?
It wasn't even a gradual change, it was just...one small kiss, and blam, colors exploded everywhere, everything was...everything felt okay for once. And the feeling was constant, too. They hadn't said anything about it to the team - no need to, they'd figure it out - and not much had changed, particularly. Not much, or so it seemed.
"G'mornin', Ranger." Quill yawned, walking out of his room to join his - were they dating? They hadn't even decided that out loud, but - 'boyfriend'(?).
"What's with the nickname?"
"It's affectionate, 'kay? That's what couples do, I think. Some of 'em. Affectionate nicknames." Oh. Well, that settled things. "--I mean, if you're on the agreement that we're--"
"Star Dork. Yes, we're a couple if you've lowered your standards that much. Thought I'd made my opinion obvious, or did the fact that I was looking like a fucking fool not tip you off enough?"
"Your affectionate nicknames are mean."
"I know. You should be used to it."
"And I'm used to you being an asshole, yes. Good thing that you're a lovable asshole." He wrapped his arms around him, leaning over a bit and kissing him on the lips, much to the other's surprise, but the fact that he was gladly leaning into it and turning a medium shade of pink showed that it wasn't a bad surprise at all. He was even snuggling into the other, muttering about how stupid he looked as he did so. "You're not stupid, you're cute. There's a difference."
"I'm not--"
"Don't start, because I can easily make you show your cuteness. Yeah, you're cute. Even if it's just around me."
"....Okay, I'll accept that."
"Good, because I was halfway to making out with you."
"......................"
"Hahahaha. Whoops. Shows what happens when I bet on your denial."
"...we can do that anyway, right?"
"Yes."
Even thinking of the smallest, stupidest moments simultaneously hurt and made him smile. He couldn't even hold it in at this rate. He was alone, crying into his goddamn arms, thinking of things that didn't even matter.
The clock had become nothing but a minor annoyance at this point. 4 AM, it read. But Rocket couldn't even bother to look up.
"...so this is what Earth is like...?" It'd only been a temporary visit, but they were nearby, and Quill had had an avid debate with himself whether to go or not before finally deciding, screw it, may as well see what changed. Of course, he'd brought the rest of the group along, too, and almost all of the group went with the bullshit excuse of 'oh, wait, let's just get two separate rooms, we all can't sleep in the same room'. So Gamora had taken Drax and Groot, and told the other two to 'have fun, because this is the closest thing you losers are going to ever get to a honeymoon.' Rocket had nearly choked when Gamora said that ("I never knew Rocket could cough that hard, jeez."), Quill snorting a bit.
"Yeah, I know, it's changed since I've been here, too." It certainly had. All the technology wasn't as advanced as what was normal in space, but it was still something he hadn't expected. The music had taken a turn for the worse, but still! It was pretty damn cool to see it again. "...I mean, as far as I remember, at least."
"...Oh. Right...." It had to have been difficult. He'd heard the story - eventually, he was probably the only one who had at that point - Peter running away from his mother's death, leaving the rest of his family without a trace...and now he was back to where he came from, and it seemed nothing like what he'd left behind, on top of the fact that he had no idea what had happened to the rest of his family.
"...hey, I'm not that broken up about that, what's with that look on your face?"
"I mean, I--"
"Yeah, I know. It's okay. I'm alright. I've had years to get over that. I mean, yeah, it still kinda hurts, but I'm not entirely broken. I'm not weak either, y'know."
"I know that, obviously. I'm just..."
"I know. You're concerned." Peter slid onto the bed, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend once more. "And it's cute. Don't worry too much, though. 'sides, we're supposed to enjoy this, right?"
"...Yeah."
".....But if it helps, I think she would've liked you, if she met you. I mean, yeah, she'd like anyone who made me happy, but...she really would like you. Just like how I love you."
That was the first time he said it, but with no hesitation there was a response: "I love you too. Dork." That led to some kissing, followed by--
"--oh, and we are really going to enjoy this. Just so you know and you're okay with tha--"
"Obviously, don't kill the mood by being a fucking dork."
"Okay, okay!"
Rocket slowly got up, taking Peter's limp hand and intertwining their fingers, a few tears still lingering. He wasn't going to come back, was he? He...he wasn't. He was going to stop breathing, and that was it. That was what was going to happen, and yet he couldn't help lying his head onto his chest and hearing the reassuring heartbeat that proved that Peter Quill was still alive. He could almost sleep, hearing that. A faint smile crossed his face, as he closed his eyes. Slowly walking back to his seat, he removed the cassette player - he'd keep it safe for him, if that were to be the case - and put the earphones his boyfriend so often wore over his own ears, pressing play. It was reassuring, in a way.
"C'mon, you've gotta at least try--"
"No! You can do it, sure, but I'm not gonna be a dork with yo--" Quill held his boyfriend close, snickering.
"Yeah, you are. C'mon, just once? No one's around." That was at least true. It was morning - well, late morning, and they'd both slept in for obvious reasons - but they were alone in that room.
"....okay, once."
"--really?" He'd blinked in surprise, but hey, not gonna pass on the rare time he says yes. So he held him close in his arms, singing softly. As much as Rocket would never say it out loud, like many other things, he couldn't help but consider that one of the most precious moments of his life."
They'd left a small bag of what he was carrying around when they'd put Quill into hospital clothes, and Rocket still hadn't gotten the nerve to look through it. Wincing slightly, he took the bag into his arms, reaching into it and--oh.
Oh no.
Oh, no no no no no.
He didn't.
He did.
That was...wasn't that the human way of saying....something like that they'd like to be with you forever, they'd always love you, they'd....no, no, he didn't....he was going to...
It'd hit him like a bullet straight to the heart, almost literally hurting. There he was, crying over a stupid....a stupid ring at 6 AM in the morning. Fuck. He shook, not being able to look up, until he heard the faint sound of...
"....Ranger...?"
--YES! YES YES YES HE WAS ALIVE OH--Rocket instantly dashed over, clinging onto the now sitting up Peter tightly and laughing due to all the sheer worry and nerves he'd faced...
"Easy there, Ranger, just woke u--" As Rocket slowly let go, he noted the fact of what he'd discovered. "...aww, dammit, I was going to keep that a secret, too. Stupid fuckin' coma ruining my plans--but hey, you found it, it's yours, if you want it."
"--of course, you stupid asshole, you made me worry like hell, I...I was afraid I was going to lose you..."
"Hey, no. I'd never leave yo--"
"And everyone else said it wasn't my fault, but it probably was, and I'm so sorry, and this shouldn't've even happened, and I'm--"
"It's not your--"
"I'm so sorry and I can't even think of a way to make it u--"
"Oh, fuck it!"
"I--mm..." He kissed the other again, Rocket once more going limp into Peter's arms.
"Not freaking out anymore?"
"...I'm okay now."
"Good. Dork, worryin' too much."
"I'm not a--...okay, whatever, as long as you're alive....goddammit, I love you, Peter..."
"I love you too, Rocket."
And once more, it was reassuring to Rocket to just be able to be in Peter's arms once more.
And once more, the world was colorful.