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The raw guilt that comes with a keeping secret had long since manifested itself in the back of Ricky's head. Every single moment he spends with EJ, it chews and pokes at him, making sure Ricky knows how horrible he is.
He's been lying to his boyfriend. Ricky's been withholding vital information from his partner, information that EJ has every right to be aware of.
Ricky's kept it a secret for far too long, he knows it's only right to tell EJ.
But...what if EJ doesn't want him once he knows? It's a pretty strong possibility. EJ chose to have Ricky, he didn't choose a girl. And, Ricky's not a girl. What if EJ can't understand that? It's happened before. He can't - he won't go through that again.
On the other hand, EJ is bi, so there's also a possibility he'll be okay with it. If EJ likes boys and girls, then, logically, Ricky's body might not bother him.
It's still insanely risky. EJ's definitely not homophobic, but if Ricky's learned anything from past relationships, he knows that says nothing for if EJ is transphobic.
Ricky wants to believe that if EJ just so happens to not accept him, then Ricky's better off without him. If EJ's transphobic, then he's an asshole and he doesn't deserve Ricky's love.
Except...Ricky really likes him. He's pretty sure he's setting himself up for heartbreak, but he can't keep going like this. He can't keep lying to EJ, it's just not fair to either of them.
He has to. Ricky has to come out to EJ. And he will. He's just not quite sure when.
••••
It's a Friday night, and EJ's parents are out of town, which obviously results in an exclusive sleepover extravaganza. They watch a few movies, eat a shit ton of ramen, wear each others hoodies, the usual. Overall, it's a chill night.
They're in the middle of watching Ratatouille when EJ suddenly pauses the film. Before Ricky can react, EJ leans over him and gently presses his lips against Ricky's.
Ricky giggles when they part. "What was that for?"
"Just appreciating my boyfriend," he replies cheekily. Ricky swats his hand in return, his cheeks rosy.
EJ gasps, "I give you affection, and this is the thanks I get?"
"Guess you'll have to earn it then, huh," Ricky responds, playfully turning his head away, challenging the other boy.
"Oh yeah, that so?" EJ grins.
"Mhm."
EJ laughs and leans in close to Ricky, kissing him softly. Their legs tangle together as they continue.
Ricky sighs into EJ's mouth, relishing in his boyfriend's affection. At this point, EJ's fully on top of him. He has one hand resting on Ricky's hipbone, the other cupping his face, while both of Ricky's hands grip EJ's sides. Ricky leans into his partner as his thumb rubs small circles on EJ's ribs.
Ricky lives for nights like these, the little pockets of moments where stress doesn't exist and nothing can hurt him.
As they get deeper into the kiss, Ricky vaguely registers EJ's hand leaving his hip, but he's far too distracted to think anything of it. His mind is much too hazy for him to be processing anything other than EJ's lips on his.
EJ's hand slips down Ricky's pants and tenderly presses between his legs.
Ricky freezes. His eyes widen, and his brain short circuits. He pulls away.
"Stop," he chokes out. His vocal chords and his brain seem to have disconnected, and it comes out as more of a strangled whimper. He pushes desperately against EJ's chest, getting his attention.
EJ doesn't move his hand anymore. He quickly meets Ricky's eyes, his smile shaping into a frown.
"Ricky?" He whispers concerned.
Ricky's eyes well up, and all he can feel is EJ's body crushing him and EJ's hand down his pants. All he can think about is how EJ can move his fingers up two inches and just know.
"Stop," he repeats. Despite his voice breaking, it comes out successfully this time. Instantly, EJ snatches his hand out.
"I-I'm so sorry, are you okay?" EJ's eyes sweep over Ricky's body. "Did I hurt you?"
Somehow, EJ's concern only makes Ricky's tears fall faster. Ricky pushes EJ's chest again.
"Please get off," he cries.
EJ's off of Ricky in a millisecond. He helps Ricky sit up, a chain of "I'm sorry"s tumbling from his mouth. Ricky's stomach sinks deeper at every apology.
It's his own fault that he's freaking out, not EJ's. The whole thing's just ridiculous. EJ didn't even touch him, didn't feel anything. But now Ricky has to come out anyway, because there's no way he can bullshit his way through explaining why he's upset.
"Are you okay?" EJ asks, rubbing Ricky's back like the sweet, caring boyfriend he is. Ricky finally looks up and meets EJ's eyes.
Ricky's eyes widen. He's shocked to find tears streaming down EJ's cheeks.
"Where does it hurt?" He whispers, voice breaking. Seeing his boyfriend actually cry over the thought that he hurt Ricky makes Ricky's heart swell with an overwhelming amount of endearment and guilt.
God, Ricky is hating himself more and more by the minute. He keeps fucking everything up, and now EJ's crying because of him, and that just makes Ricky produce more tears.
"You didn't," Ricky sniffles, locking eyes with EJ, "You didn't hurt me, babe."
EJ shook his head, fresh tears dribbling down his chin. "I'm really sorry, Ricky. I didn't - I-I just wanted to make you feel good, I didn't mean for, for..." He trails off, looking down. "I should've asked. I'm so sorry."
This boy is too fucking sweet, Ricky thinks. He's all folded in on himself, and the sight makes Ricky's arms ache with the want to hold him.
"No, no," Ricky says, intertwining EJ's fingers with his own, "EJ, hey. C'mere," he murmurs, pulling the other boy close to him.
EJ wraps his arms around Ricky, their legs immediately tangling. Ricky nestles himself into his boyfriend's chest, their hands still interlocked.
Ricky's stomach churns with anxiety. He can feel his heart beating faster as he thinks, this is it, here we go.
"EJ," Ricky says shakily. He draws a deep breath. "I-I have to tell you something."
Ricky feels EJ tense up behind him.
"So, I-I'm, it's...um," Ricky closes his eyes.
"Hey, babe," EJ whispers comfortingly, his voice still rough from crying. "It's okay. Whatever it is, it's fine. I love you, okay? No matter what."
Ricky bites his lip as a tear escapes his eye. He squeezes EJ's hand and thinks, please, please, please.
"Ricky, you're shaking," EJ hugs him tighter. A muffled whimper escapes Ricky's throat. He's thanking every God he knows of that he's still tucked into EJ's chest, and EJ can't see his face.
"Shhh. It's okay. You don't have to tell me if you're not ready," he whispers reassuringly. Holy fuck, Ricky doesn't know what he did to deserve EJ.
Ricky knows he doesn't have to. But after his meltdown, he figures it's only fair that EJ gets an explanation. If doesn't do it now, he never will.
EJ squeezes Ricky's hand, almost like he can sense Ricky talking himself up. Ricky takes the biggest breath he's ever taken before.
Please, please, please be okay with it.
Ricky tenses. He's ready. He's ready to be thrown off EJ's lap and to be yelled. He's fully prepared to go home and sob and never leave his house again.
Please.
"I'm transgender."
For a moment, EJ is silent. It's only a mere second, but Ricky swears his heart beats at least a full seven times.
Then, EJ tenses, and Ricky stops breathing.
"I'm so fucking proud of you, Ricky Bowen. Holy shit," EJ pulls Ricky tight against his body, bombarding the top of his boyfriends head with light kisses.
Ricky can't stop crying. He just, the tears refuse to stop. He's definitely reached his limit of emotions for the night, and Ricky's so overwhelmed.
EJ accepts him. He thinks this might be the most relived he's ever felt.
"Come here, look at me," EJ requests, softly pushing Ricky off of him. He turns around to face EJ, who's grinning like Ricky just won the Superbowl.
"You don't-you really don't care? That I'm...?" Ricky says hesitantly. He thinks he already knows, but he needs to hear it from EJ.
"Of course not. It's - you're still the same boy I've been dating for the past five months," EJ's eyes are still puffy, and Ricky can't even begin to imagine what he looks like. Honestly though, he can't bring himself to care.
Ricky just melts. He starts crying again, because his just doesn't know how to process any emotions right now. EJ, bless him, pulls Ricky into another heartfelt embrace.
"I, um. I actually thought you were gonna say you were asexual," EJ laughs.
Ricky smiles. "I'm...I'm sorry for taking this long to tell you. I-I know I should've sooner."
"Absolutely not. That doesn't matter," EJ shakes his head and rubs Ricky's back. "Thank you, though. For telling me," he adds softly. "That's pretty damn brave, Bowen."
Ricky laughs, tightening his arms.
EJ is the sweetest partner Ricky's ever had, and he hopes it stays that way.