Chapter Text
Until My Lungs Give Out
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Follow me and lead me on and never let me down
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It doesn’t hit him all at once.
It’s not a sudden realization that drops him to his knees or leaves him gasping for breath. Instead, it happens over time. It creeps up on him slowly and steadily, piece by piece, until it’s all encompassing, consuming every fiber of his being.
He loves him.
Dios, does Eddie love him.
The love he feels for Buck is different than love he’s felt before. It’s not fleeting like the girlfriend he had in high school, the experimental kind he had with his boyfriend in college, or a love that formed out of duty and responsibility like it was with Shannon. This was more.
The feelings had been there for a long time. They had just manifested from comradery to friendship to everything. He can’t remember when it happened, or if there was a moment that really solidified it. No, no there wasn’t a moment. More so a series of them – everyone they’ve had, in fact, from their first confrontation in the house gym to almost blowing themselves up days later, to the devastation on his face when he thought he had lost Christopher, to their argument in the grocery store and everything in between and after.
He tells him how he feels for the first time during their weekly movie night with Christopher. They’ve been venturing through the Harry Potter series for the last month, and the eight-year-old had just retired to his bedroom for the night after the credits started rolling on the Goblet of Fire. He’s leaning against the island watching Buck wash the pizza grease off the dishes when it slips out.
“I love you.”
To his credit, Buck only pauses for the briefest of moments before he finishes with the plate in his hands and sets it in the rack. “I’m sorry?”
Eddie shrugs his shoulders. A smile was tugging at his lips even as his heart cracked like thunder in his chest.
“You don’t have to say it back,” he assures him, “You don’t have to feel the same. I don’t even know if you’re interested in more than women. And that’s completely okay. I just...wanted you to know.”
“Eds...” Buck tried. He stops himself short, seemingly at a loss for what to say. Eddie could see the struggle play across his face.
“It’s okay,” he says, “this doesn’t have to change anything. You’re a part of this family. I just wanted you to know that.”
They stare at each other for a long moment before Buck nods his head slowly.
“This just took me by surprise, man.”
“It’s okay, Buck,” he repeats, “it’ll only change things if you let it.”
Buck nods again, and Eddie isn’t sure he ever stopped.
He’s surprised that he doesn’t feel more anxious. There’s no pit in his stomach that is awaiting his heart to drop in to. There’s no voice in the back of his head saying that he’s made a terrible mistake and that his friendship will never be the same. Instead, there’s a peace that settles over him because finally, finally, he’s not carrying the weight of three words in his chest.
“We’re good?”
“We’re good,” Eddie assures him.
And they are.
----
Little changes over the next few weeks. Their routine is the same as it’s always been. They work their shifts and on the next two Fridays they make it through Order of the Phoenix and the Half Blood Prince. Buck still picks up Christopher from school on Tuesday when Eddie’s shift ends three hours after his and the same carefree laughter emitting from the two of them greet him when he lets himself into Buck’s loft to retrieve his son. It’s nice. Eddie decides that if this is as much as he’ll ever get, he’s okay with that. Christopher is happy with how things are, and he can be, too.
It's on a Sunday when things shift.
It’s rare that they’re on rotation on a Sunday. Being on the Captain’s squadron has its perks. But a case of the flu hit the 118, and Eddie could use the overtime. He’s not surprised when Buck walks in, too. Since being welcomed back, he’s volunteered for as much work as possible. He jokes that it’s making up for lost time, but deep-down Eddie knows he still feels like he has something to prove.
“What’s up?” He says from his seat on the bench in the locker room, tying up his black work boots.
“Hey,” Buck walks in the room and, like he’s done a thousand times before, pats Eddie on the back as he walks past. Only he lingers for a touch longer than normal. Eddie watches him out of the corner of his eye as he throws his bag in his locker. His skin burned from the contact.
“You good?”
“Yeah,” Buck responds. He clears his throat and Eddie arches an eyebrow at the obvious fluster his best friend is feeling.
“You sure?”
“Yeah, man. I’m good,” Buck assures him. Eddie stares at him for a moment longer before letting out a sigh and nodding his head.
“If you say so.” He finishes lacing up his shoes and stands. He starts toward the door to head upstairs in hopes of catching some of the game before any alarm sounds for the day. He doesn’t notice Buck make a move toward him until he feels a hand on his wrist, halting his movements. He looks down at the fingers wrapped around his skin before turning to meet his eyes. His question is obvious in his eyes.
“Can I – “ Buck stops himself short. His cheeks flush red and there is a line of frustration creasing his forehead that Eddie has seen so many times before.
“Can you…?”
“I want – “ He stops again. Like always, Eddie resists the urge to reach out and smooth away the stress with the pads of his fingers.
“You want…?”
Before he can respond, the alarm blares through the firehouse. He gives a small smile at the frustration that immediately washes over the blonde’s face.
“Guess I’ll never know now, huh?” He gives Buck a wink and tries not to let the disappointment show when he steps away far enough that Buck’s grip on him lets up and falls away. He knocks his knuckles against the doorway as he exits, “Let’s get to work.”
----
“Hey.”
Eddie looks up from where he’s typing up a text to his abuela as he leans against the bar, waiting for the next round of drinks he had been tasked to retrieve. He finishes his message and shoves his phone in his pocket.
“Hey back. You change your mind about the beer?”
Buck smiles and shakes his head. He seems nervous, and Eddie feels his heartbeat increase just the slightest bit.
After they had returned from the call that interrupted them, they had remained in their regular routine as best friends and partners. Eddie had asked him what he had been asking for in the locker room, but Buck had brushed him off, insisting that it was nothing and they could talk later.
Later hadn’t come.
It was a little over a week later now and after a hell of a shift, the 5 of them were out at one of the unofficial LAFD bars near the 118 to unwind before returning to their homes.
“No, I just wanted to catch you alone.” A blush immediately forms on the blonde’s cheeks, and Eddie can’t help the small laugh that escapes him as he sputters to try and backtrack.
“Buck. BUCK! It’s okay man. I thought we said we weren’t going to make this awkward?”
“I’m not – I don’t mean to make it awkward.”
Eddie feels a tinge of annoyance. Not at Buck, but at the situation. He doesn’t regret telling him; he would have driven himself crazy if he hadn’t. Instead, he aims his emotions at the inevitable shift that had occurred. It was subtle, and Eddie knows their friendship will survive just about anything. But the dynamic has changed in certain ways he couldn’t quite name.
“Well, you aren’t doing too hot,” Eddie attempts at a joke, and it was obvious that it fell flat by the look on his best friend’s face. After a moment, however, that flustered look turns to the determined look he has seen so many times before, whether it be before running into a burning building or squaring up with Christopher when he was protesting going to bed. He suddenly feels a little hot under the collar the longer the look stays and he goes without saying anything to go along with it.
“I want to try something. If you – if you wouldn’t mind.”
Eddie lets an amused smile appear on his face, the fondness for this man in front of him creeping up on him and filling him with warmth like it always does. “I guess that depends on what you want to try, doesn’t it?”
Buck looks like a deer stuck in the headlights for a moment, his blue eyes wide, before he lets out a breath of laughter. His face flames red, and this time Eddie knows it’s from embarrassment.
Buck takes a half a step forward. His fingers reach out and touch Eddie’s wrist for a moment before he lets his hand trail up the length of his arm to finally come to rest on his shoulder. Both of their eyes follow his fingers the whole time. Eddie’s skin burns in the best way. Dios, he wants this man. He swallows thickly and forces the words past his lips, “Don’t do something because you think you have to.”
“That’s not –“ Buck inhales deeply, and Eddie can feel the coolness of his breath hit his face when he exhales, “That’s not why I’m doing it.”
“Then why?”
Before he can get an answer, Buck closes the distance between them and places the chastest of kisses on his lips. It’s feather light, and Eddie barely feels the pressure of it. But oh, did he feel it. It was more than he could have anticipated, yet less at the same time. It wasn’t fireworks and trumpets. There was no stopping of time. But that same peace that filled him when he told Buck he loved him fills him again now. Contentment like he has never felt before washes over him, all from the feel of Buck’s lips against his for barely a moment. Not for the first time, but now with a little bit more context, he wonders what it would feel like, how much better it could be, if it was more than just a moment.
“Because I wanted to.”
It takes a moment for Eddie’s brain to catch up with the fact that Buck was responding to his earlier question. Before he has a chance to respond, to ask why exactly he wanted to and what that means and, dios mio, can they do that again, the bartender was setting a tray in front of them. Both he and Buck jump at the suddenness of it, too caught up in their own bubble that has now been effectively and completely burst.
“You want to start a tab or cash out?”
“Uh...”
“You can leave it open,” Buck spoke up when he saw that Eddie wasn’t capable of it quite yet, quickly handing over his debit card from his wallet that he fished out of his pocket. He shot Eddie a small smirk as he picks up the tray of drinks. “We should get these to the masses before they start protesting.”
“Yea-“ Eddie clears his throat when his voice comes out higher than normal. “Yeah, we should.”
“Talk later?” It’s a question, but comes out as a promise. Eddie can’t do anything but nod.
Buck smiles at him and bumps his shoulder against him in the friendly way he’s always done, but he swoons.
The night wraps up about an hour and two drinks later, and Eddie felt like he was going to crawl out of his skin the entire time. Buck was beside him as he normally was, where he belongs, Eddie couldn’t help but think, sitting so close together in the booth that his body heat radiated off of him in waves from where their thighs touched. It was the best kind of torture. Where he was able to push it aside before, now that something had happened, was happening, even, he couldn’t bring himself to ignore it.
He was screwed.
“Are you good to drive?” Buck asks him after they had said goodbye to the rest of the squad with a promise to see them after their designated day off tomorrow. They’re standing in-between their two vehicles, and Buck is twirling his keys around his fingers. It’s a nervous tick that he has that Eddie had noticed about him months ago.
“Yeah,” he says, “I didn’t have any more than usu-“ He’s cut off, quite abruptly but oh so welcoming, by Buck pushing him against the side of his Jeep and pressing his lips against his for the second time that night. Eddie can’t help the moan that escapes him. His hands immediately reach up to cup his face and he moves forward to deepen the kiss. He feels Buck’s tongue trace his lips, and he doesn’t think he’s ever accepted someone in his space so quickly. Whereas before it was tranquility, this is intensity at its finest. His nerve endings are on fire. Buck takes a step closer and suddenly they’re flush together. His back is digging into the door handle, and keys are pressed into the skin on his side, but he doesn’t care because Buck is kissing him. Buck is touching him, his hands gripping his waist, and nothing else matters at this very moment.
He smiles at him when a lack of oxygen finally makes them pull away. It’s a small smile, one that’s unfamiliar on his face where there’s usually a smirk firmly in place, and Eddie’s heart thumps thumps thumps in his chest. He opens his mouth to speak when his phone rings in his pocket. His smile immediately slips into a frown as he digs it out of his pocket.
“Abuela? Que pasa?” He runs his hands through his hair as the older woman explains that Christopher had a nightmare and has been asking for him. Buck, who is still standing close enough to touch, frowns as he overhears the conversation.
“Go,” Buck insists, setting a hand on his chest briefly. Eddie looks at him and the question is clear on his face. “It’s okay.”
“We need to talk about this, don’t you think?” Eddie asks quietly when his abuela said she was going to put the phone down for a second and go get Christopher to speak with him.
Buck shrugs and simply says, “It’s Christopher.”
Eddie’s heart flips and his breath catches. He says it so nonchalantly, so understanding and natural. It’s Christopher. Christopher, who adores Buck as much as Eddie does. Christopher, who is his everything and who he knows Buck loves, too.
He surges forward and crashes their mouths together in a hard, demanding kiss, one hand burying itself in Buck’s short hair and the other holding his phone limply at his ear. Buck’s weight presses into him, and part of Eddie wishes that he were pressed against something more comfortable than the door of the Jeep he has ridden in so many times before. A bigger part of him, however, doesn’t give a damn. They continue like this, their tongues twining together and their thighs and chests flush against one another’s until a faint “Daddy?” in his ear has Eddie snapping back into reality. He’s panting for breath when he responds. Buck stays close to him, running his fingers through Eddie’s hair. His eyes close in pleasure and his head falls back against the glass of the window while Christopher tells him about the bad dream that he had. “I’ll be there soon, mijo. 15 minutes, okay?” After Christopher confirms that he would be okay until then, Eddie hangs up the phone.
“Another nightmare about the tsunami?” Buck asks, and Eddie knows there’s nothing he can do to stop the regret and the guilt that creeps into his voice because he’s tried before, but if he knows anything about the man in front of him, it’s how stubborn he is. Especially when it comes to the events of that day with his son. The protectiveness makes him want to kiss him again.
“He’s okay, Buck.” Eddie assures him, and he reaches down to squeeze his hand. The other man gives him a small smile back and a single nod of his head. “You know, he’d probably feel better if his Buck was there. He dreams about losing you, too.”
That brings a full smile to his face now, but Buck shakes his head anyway. “That is far too tempting for me right now, but nice try.”
“Can’t fault me for trying,” Eddie jokes, and he feels accomplished when a laugh meets his ears. “So what now?”
“Now…you go get your son, and make sure he’s okay. And you and I talk later?”
Eddie wants to argue with him. He doesn’t want to give Buck time to overthink this and decide it was a mistake. He wants to hear why he did this now and if he has any intentions of doing it again, but most importantly he wants to know how he feels and what this means for their friendships. Because that’s what matters the most here, isn’t it? But instead of arguing, he just nods back at him, because he knows he promised Christopher 15 minutes and if there’s anything he hates, it’s breaking promises to that little boy.
“Later, then.”
“Eddie,” Buck says when they had put some distance between them and the older of the two had unlocked the doors to his truck. He turns to look at him, and the blonde has that determined look in his eyes again. He must have been able to read the emotions playing across Eddie’s face, or maybe he just needed to reassure himself, but the words that come out of his mouth send relief spreading through Eddie’s veins. “I don’t regret this, okay? We’ll talk.”
It takes way more effort than it should to keep from strutting back over and kissing him again. Instead, he smiles and nods and climbs in his truck.
They’ll talk.
----
They get around to having a conversation quicker than Eddie anticipated.
The next day, Buck is over for their weekly movie night. They’ve moved on from Harry Potter and have started adventuring into all of the movies in the Marvel collection. They had just finished Captain America and are cleaning up the kitchen when Buck speaks.
“My first kiss was with a guy.”
The words startle him, and Eddie looks up to meet his blue eyes.
“You said a few weeks ago that you didn’t know if I was into men or not,” Buck explains, “but my first kiss was with a guy. We were in high school and he was staying over at my house. My dad walked in on us and I was never allowed to see him again. After that, I never acted on it. Eventually I was able to push all the feelings away, or at least bury them deep enough where I could pretend not to notice them. I’d like to think that’s the reason I became such a manwhore. Overcompensating, you know. I don’t know.”
“What changed?” Eddie can’t help but ask. A playful smirk makes its way onto Buck’s face.
“It’d be incredibly corny if I said you, wouldn’t it?”
Eddie chuckles softly, shaking his head. He can feel the beginnings of a blush on his naturally tanned cheeks.
“To be honest with you, man, I don’t know. You’re my best friend. But I’ve had best friends before and have never felt as comfortable with them as I have been with you since the beginning. You make me feel…safe. Does that make sense?”
There’s a lump forming in Eddie’s throat, so instead of speaking, he just nods his understanding.
“I think I had pushed any of those feelings aside for so long that I just didn’t realize what they actually meant. And also because I’ve never felt so…intensely about someone else before. But when you hit me out of nowhere with your feelings, it shocked me, but it made me think.”
“I’m sorry – “ Eddie starts, but Buck waves him off.
“I’m glad you did. I’m just terrified of losing you, Eddie. Of losing Christopher and this thing that the three of us have. That’s another reason I never tried to read too much into what I was feeling. You guys are too important – more important than anyone besides Maddie has ever been to me, I think. You’re like my family.”
Eddie can’t stop himself from turning and closing the distance between them. He cups his face in his hands and places a gentle, soft kiss on his lips.
He could do this for the rest of his life, he thinks.
The thought doesn’t scare him near as much as it probably should.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he promises once he pulls away, doing his best to reassure the man in front of him. “I just need to know that you’re doing this because you want to, because you feel something, and not just because you’re scared if you don’t feel the same way you’re going to lose us.”
“Acting on my feelings is what scares me. But ever since you said what you said…I can’t stop thinking about you, either. And after last night…I want this, Eddie.” He laughs then, and the sound sends that same peace that his kiss has to his heart. “I just don’t really know what this is, yet.”
“Well,” Eddie says, taking a step forward and planting another small kiss to his lips and taking his hands in his, “I guess we can figure that out day by day, can’t we?”
Buck smiles again, and hope spreads through him like a wildfire.
----
Buck says it back for the first time almost a month later, after being drug out of a collapsed house after his oxygen tank had run out over two minutes prior.
He’s coughing up a storm from all of the smoke inhalation and is on the verge of losing consciousness when Eddie drops him in the grass away from the flames. He falls to his knees beside him. He needs medical attention and an oxygen mask, but Hen and Chim are the only paramedics on the scene right now and are tending to the family that had been trapped inside when the fire started. He’s all Buck has right now.
“You’re an idiot, you know that?” Eddie gritted out between teeth clenched with worry. He throws Buck’s helmet off and unzips the protective jacket on him to help cool him down. “Cap called for us to evacuate over 5 minutes ago. Why didn’t you come out?”
“Thought I – heard someone.” It comes out as a wheeze, and Eddie’s heart clenches in his chest.
“The owners confirmed no one else was in there.”
Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Buck’s gloved hand give a weak thumbs up before it falls back to the grass beside him. “Whoops.”
“You can’t go scaring me like that, okay?”
“Eds-“
“I know it’s our job. But we talked about this – no unnecessary risks.”
“You came in after me.”
“What the hell else was I supposed to do?” He snaps back, looking around for where Chim and Hen are because Buck’s breathing is getting worse with every cough he hacks up.
“Eddie –“
“Dios mio, where the hell is that oxygen mask?”
“I love you, too.”
Eddie stops moving, stops breathing, and stares at the man laying before him. He’s covered in soot and ash and sweat. His eyes are blood shot and when he opens his mouth he can see that his normally sparkling white teeth are covered in the same grime the outside of him is. But he’s beautiful and Eddie doesn’t know what he did to deserve those three words coming from his mouth but he’s thankful.
“I’ll love you until my lungs give out,” Buck gasps out, and it’s not funny, but Eddie laughs anyway. He gives him a watery smile as he pushes matted, damp hair off his forehead.
“So not long then, at this rate?” Eddie jokes.
“Maybe even after that,” the blonde amends before letting out a groan of pain that hits Eddie right in the chest.
“How about for as long as we want?”
Buck’s lips quirk, though it comes out more as a grimace, and nods his head. “That-that sounds-perfect. You and me and Chri-Christopher. Our little family.”
“Yeah, yeah that’s exactly right.”
“I wa-want that.”
“Shh, queirdo. Don’t strain yourself, okay? We’ll have that. You’re going to be just fine.”
“Promise?”
Eddie nods as Hen finally makes it over to them, medical bag in hand. Chim isn’t far behind her with a stretcher. It’s only when the oxygen mask is in place and Buck’s breaths are coming out a little bit easier that Eddie responds.
“I’m all yours,” he promises, squeezing his hand, “And you’re all mine.”
And they are.
----
I’ll love you until my lungs give out, I ain’t lying
I’m all your’n you’re all mine
There ain’t two ways around it,
There aren’t no tryin ‘bout it
I’m all your’n you’re all mine
----