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The human lifespan was short. Castiel knew this, of course.
He knew that one day the Winchesters would no longer be with him. He knew that one day he'd be alone. It was inevitable, after all.
He's ancient. Older than one could ever imagine. He's watched life come and go over and over again, he's watched entire eras pass by as species evolved and the world changed and adapted. To him, it all seemed to pass by in the blink of an eye, and even now as he leans more towards humanity than angelic grace, he finds himself thinking that the lives of humans are still too short.
It seemed that falling from grace only helped to further ingrain into his mind how important it was to appreciate the little aspects of life that wouldn't last forever.
And even though Castiel knows he still has many years left with his all-too-human family, he still can't bring himself to fully accept that one day, they'll be gone– entirely forgotten, like a leaf getting swept away by the wind, never to be seen again.
When he was an angel, life seemed less significant to him than it did now. Of course, he still appreciated them, they were all God's creations, how could he not? But back then he still turned a blind eye to how impactful a single life could be. Species would die, empires would fall, and the times would constantly change– as if the Earth was going through multiple phases, as a teenager would.
When Castiel watches humanity now, he sees their beauty in all of their short-lived glory– these creatures that his father had created to be loved and protected. And when he observes the life of these humans, he thinks that it was actually the angels that were unworthy of watching over them all along.
For Castiel, it all started with one bright soul. One human that shifted his perspective of everything– of himself.
And even now, when Castiel watches Dean Winchester perform mundane, everyday acts, he thinks to himself; What did he do to deserve this human?
And when Dean meets Castiel's eyes and grins at him brightly, Castiel can feel his fading grace burn heavily underneath the surface of his skin.
"You gonna help me with this case or keep staring at me? I mean, I know I'm a fine piece of ass but it'd be nice to have some help here, buddy," Dean joked.
Castiel responds with a smile of his own.
"Of course, Dean."
------
When Castiel watches Dean sleep, he feels an odd flutter of affection spiralling in his gut. He knows that Dean would've grumbled at Castiel's awkward habit of observing him while he slept, but Castiel still has the urge to do it anyway.
Nowadays, it's just to make sure Dean is okay. But Castiel still likes to stretch out the moment for as long as possible. It's relaxing to see Dean asleep and peaceful. With everything the Winchesters had been through, sleep was now their only escape to peace.
It seems Castiel is not so lucky today, because Dean's eyes fly open and begin to shift into focus at the sight of Castiel.
"Really, man? Thought we'd gotten past the whole, creepy stalker nature," Dean grunted. Although, he doesn't seem too upset this time. He looks adorable like this, Castiel notes. His bed hair and bleary-eyed blinking make Dean look so innocent.
"My apologies, I was just about to leave," Castiel assures, but as soon as he makes a move for the door, he feels a warm hand clamp around his arm.
"Hey uh," Dean begins. He shuffles awkwardly as he tries to position himself on the bed.
Castiel lifts an eyebrow and stares down to meet green eyes.
"Yes, Dean?"
Dean shifts his gaze over to somewhere behind Castiel over his shoulder.
"Could you uh," Dean fumbles around a bit before finishing with uncertainty, "stay?"
Castiel can feel his heart swell hearing this. There's just something about Dean that endears him so much that he can't put it into words.
"If that is what you want, Dean."
Castiel can see some of the tension leave him, as Dean starts to move over to make room on the bed.
Once Castiel sits on the edge of the mattress, Dean begins to settle down on his back, staring at the ceiling.
"So whatcha thinkin' about?" Dean asks. He's slightly turned so he can look over at Castiel. "You seem kinda out of it."
Castiel blinks at him, "What do you mean?" He shifts his body so that his back isn't to Dean's to better engage in the conversation.
"I don't know dude you tell me," Dean retorts. "You've been more...quiet, I guess."
Castiel tilts his head, and Dean's eyes seem to soften slightly at the movement.
"I was not aware," Castiel responds. "I suppose I've just been thinking about certain things."
Dean squints at him and leans a little closer.
"Thinking about what ?"
Castiel hesitates before responding. For a little while, he just stares at Dean and scans over those all too familiar features. He stares until Dean starts to squirm under his gaze.
"You," Castiel says. "I've been reminiscing about our time together on this earth."
Dean grins slightly. "Me?"
Castiel nods and Dean chuckles.
"Wow I'm awfully flattered," he jokes. "Unless those thoughts about me are bad?" Dean raises an eyebrow in question.
"No, it's just…" Castiel trails off. Dean is still looking at him expectantly.
"I think about humanity," Castiel sighs. "I think about how one day you'll leave me– you and your brother."
Dean's expression shifts into one of abundant empathy. He moves closer into Castiel's space until their sides are practically touching.
For a moment, there's silence.
"We're not going anywhere, Cas," Dean finally whispers. His hand comes up to Castiel's shoulder to grip him tightly. "I'm not going anywhere."
Castiel only smiles in return.
"I've cherished our time together, Dean. And I'll cherish the moments yet to come," Castiel says softly
Slowly, Castiel intertwines his fingers with Dean's.
"After meeting you, I've come to appreciate God's creations more intimately. I admire how humanity works."
And it was true. Castiel was truly fascinated by humans– fascinated by how they could accomplish so much in their short lives– fascinated by their lasting beauty even after they've left this world.
Castiel was enthralled. And he was positive in saying he would do it all over again if he could– the pain and winglessness and all.
"I admire you," Castiel finishes.
Dean flinches visibly and sighs.
"Never really thought I'd ever be admired by an angel of all things," Dean grimaces.
The air is filled with a sort of melancholy that Castiel wants to get rid of. He wants to make the most of the remaining years he has with Dean. He wants to make him smile as much as he can– wants to see his soul glow brightly throughout the universe.
"I'm glad I was the one that raised you from damnation."
"Yeah?"
"Yes."
The corners of Dean's mouth quirk up.
"Well then, the feeling's mutual," Dean squeezes his hand.
Castiel loves him. He loves this human so much that his grace threatens to spill out of his body whenever he's near him. He's loved Dean Winchester for so long– loved him so fiercely that he turned his back against everything he was programmed to do.
At first, he didn't know what to call this feeling. He didn't even know that his feelings towards Dean were not the same as his feelings towards other humans, Sam, for example. It took him so long to realize it.
He fell. Hard .
When Dean starts to shuffle under the covers, it snaps Castiel out of his stupor. Castiel just watches Dean even as he starts to eye him expectantly.
"Well?" Dean asks. He draws back the covers slightly.
"What?" Castiel responds confused.
"If you're gonna watch me sleep, may as well get comfy. Just don't wake me up," he states simply.
Castiel takes the invitation and lies next to Dean. He doesn't really need to sleep, but spending the night in Dean's bed sounds very appealing to him.
As Dean further settles under the covers, he turns his head so that his eyes stare directly into Cas's. Their heads are so close that Castiel can feel Dean's breath at the tip of his nose. It would be so easy to close the gap between them.
"I don't think I've ever met a creature with a soul as bright as yours," Castiel blurts without thinking. He blames it on the fact that Dean is so close to him right now.
Without warning, Dean surges towards his lips and closes the distance between them. Castiel is taken aback at first– he's never expected Dean to be so forward. But soon after, Castiel finds himself kissing back, chasing Dean's lips even as they pull away for air.
Castiel feels so light as if he were flying. Dean looks back at him a little dazed. He's not entirely sure what to make of this.
Dean huffs a laugh and Castiel beams.
"You're a pretty okay kisser," Dean muses.
Castiel wraps his arms around Dean's waist and pulls him even closer.
"I want to spend every moment I have left with you." Castiel knows this is not possible, but he dreams anyway. "You made me fall for your kind. Ever since hell, I've never been the same. You've made me who I am today, Dean Winchester."
Dean gazes back at him and smiles.
"Gettin' all sappy on me now, Cas?"
"I can't really help it, I suppose."
Dean snorts and relaxes into Castiel's embrace.
"You've kept me awake for too long now, although I'm not complaining," Dean says, "but I seriously need my four hours, so I'm just gonna conk out."
"Of course, Dean. I'll watch over you," Castiel promises.
"Night, Cas," Dean mumbles back and effectively passes out immediately.
Castiel threads his fingers through Dean's hair while he sleeps, and gazes over his features once more.
I love you , Castiel thinks as he listens to Dean's steady breaths. I'll love you for the rest of my life.
Castiel realizes now that it is humanity's mortality that makes them so entrancing to him. Death was inevitable, and that was what made life so sweet, after all, a thing isn't beautiful because it lasts.
Castiel grips Dean tighter and closes his eyes.
"Goodnight, Dean."