Work Text:
To say that Fujiwara no Mokou had been alone for a long time was a grave understatement. A far more accurate summarization of her lonely existence would be that she could count the amount of people she talked to on a regular basis in the span of around seven centuries or so on her hand (she certainly wasn’t keeping track anymore; after all, what was the point?). She could barely recall the last proper conversation she’d had that wasn’t a curt, monosyllabic statement or venomous insults (granted, the latter was only towards one person. Sad how screaming profanities at her archnemesis was the closest thing she had to daily chitchat).
Her isolation had only increased over the decades to the point where she oftentimes went an entire day without seeing a single person. It may have been a bit boring to be in this state of solitude for entire days sometimes, but it was an odd type of comfort at this point for her. If she didn’t know people, then neither of them could get attached, which would be better for the both of them. They wouldn’t have to be burdened with someone as wretched and troublesome as her, and she wouldn’t have to inevitably watch them pass from life in what wouldn’t even be a fraction of her eternal existence. It’s less painful this way, she thought. If we’re just going to part one day, what’s the point in reaching out at all?
To say that she couldn’t remember the last time she’d had nonviolent physical contact with someone went without saying.
Even when she was younger, as an unwanted child, she had never been given the same opportunities to socialize with others the way her siblings were able to. Hell, she’d barely been allowed to see her siblings herself to the point where even now it felt like she barely knew them. Add to the fact that violent contact had been a part of her life for as long as she could remember and it shouldn’t have come as a surprise that she was not comfortable with anything physical. At this point in her life, it barely even registered to her as a problem that she should put effort into fixing. It was just a fact of life for her, something that would never change, just as eternal as her undying body and Kaguya’s not-a-care-in-the-world nature. It was something oddly comforting and familiar for her to hold on to, that withdrawn and sour attitude of hers.
So, of course, she just had to let an estranged moon rabbit into what was supposed to be her cold, unfeeling heart.
A few months beforehand, Reisen Udongein Inaba had shown up on her front doorstep begging to know who she was (it was clear that no one at Eientei had even bothered trying to give her a proper answer, no wonder she was confused beyond her mind) and Mokou, in the heat of the moment, had agreed to answering her questions. To this day, she still wasn’t sure what had come over her at that moment. Maybe it was the clear desperation in the rabbit’s eyes. Maybe it was Mokou’s own curiosity about why someone would want to know about her. Maybe she was a little lonelier than she thought, and needed a friend more than she could ever bring herself to realize.
Whatever the case, Reisen’s genuinity and tenacity had won her over, and she’s pretty sure she has a friend now. At least, she thinks that’s how it goes. After years of isolation, she sure wouldn’t know how friendship works.
Regardless, the two introverts got along pretty well despite their different affiliations. It was clear that what Reisen wanted most of all was someone who would listen to what she had to say and treat her as an equal worthy of respect. It was not quite as clear that Mokou wanted someone to make her days feel a little less empty, not that she felt she could admit that to Reisen, not now at least. It was humiliating to even think about the fact that seeing the other girl’s lavender hair and soft smile brightened up her day considerably, never mind actually vocalizing this to her. As someone completely inexperienced in friendships, Mokou had no clue whether that was something that you could just say out in the open like that. Even though she had told the other girl so much about herself, talking about feelings was a little too intimate for her to feel comfortable talking about it. She had no idea when the right time to say stuff like that was, assuming there even was a right time.
One thing had become increasingly apparent with time, however, and that was that where Mokou was averse to physical contact, Reisen seemed to actively seek it out. It was almost a little jarring, seeing as Mokou was pretty sure, no, knew, that Reisen was just as socially awkward as she was. And yet, in spite of this, whenever they were sitting and talking, Reisen would reach her hand out unconsciously, scooting closer while still maintaining eye contact. Mokou had never remarked on it precisely because of how odd it was to her. Combine this with her lack of knowledge on what was appropriate in friendships, and Reisen had, unknowingly or not, made the last couple of weeks more than a little awkward for Mokou, constantly wondering if stuff like that was simply appropriate. It was certainly something she hadn’t been considering when she realized that, like it or not, Reisen was a part of her life. Even now, she still wasn’t sure how to feel about any of it. It was uncharted territory, and for someone who had established a routine for herself that she’d followed for decades, Mokou didn’t know how to feel about change.
Regardless of how Mokou felt about these developments, something needed to be done about it. Reisen herself may not have noticed it, but Mokou wasn’t about to let herself go crazy over something as simple as subtle hand touches. It was time to do something about all of this.
Reisen wouldn’t show up by Mokou’s house for another week after she made the decision to confront her friend about her physical proximity issue. It made enough sense; Reisen was so often busy with working at Eientei that she could barely ever spare a couple of hours to herself. Today, it seemed that she’d had some free time after finishing her work in the Human Village early, still clad in her medicine-peddler attire when she showed up at the immortal’s front doorstep. Mokou could feel something in her body the moment Reisen flashed that little smile of hers before shaking it off and letting the other girl inside. Focus, Mokou, you’re supposed to be asking her about something, not creating another problem.
“Apparently, some of my new customers came to me on recommendation from my regulars. How crazy is that? I’m really making a name for myself there,” Reisen rambled after the two had sat down in a more comfortable position on Mokou’s (admittedly not very comfortable, though Reisen didn’t seem to mind) couch. She was just as lively as ever, even after what must have been a good few hours of work. It was almost inspiring just how much energy she still seemed to have inside her (certainly more than Mokou at least, although that wasn’t exactly the highest standard to reach).
Like it was the most natural thing in the world to do, she shuffled a bit closer to Mokou, her hand mere hairs away from Mokou’s. Once looking at the moon rabbit’s face as she recalled her day, the immortal could now do nothing but stare at the innocuous hand so close to hers. Was this just something friends did? Was it a rabbit thing? Or was this just a Reisen thing? Hell if Mokou knew. For all she knew, it could be all three and she’d be none the wiser.
If I bring it up, will I be the weird one here? Mokou thought. It was a legitimate question. She didn’t want to scare off Reisen and make her feel uncomfortable all because Mokou couldn’t understand that not everyone that goes near her wants to hurt her. She may have known the bare-bones of Mokou’s past, but it would take more than one bout of frustration and desperation to make Mokou tell her the whole story. There was way too much to talk about there, and certainly way too much that Mokou didn’t want to even think about again. All that she really was sure about was that she didn’t want to lose Reisen as a friend. It had never really occurred to her before, but now that she’d gotten the taste of friendship, she didn’t want to go back to being a lonely forest-dweller, not when having Reisen around was so… enjoyable. She was good company; she didn’t kiss up to her bosses, and she seemed to be trying to make an effort to be better (goodness knew she had mental scars just as bad as Mokou’s). Was it worth giving up all of that just because Mokou wanted to know if always wanting to touch your friend, even if you never talked about it, was considered normal?
It was tempting to just stay quiet about all of it, but Mokou knew she’d end up regretting it otherwise. It was now or never, say it now or have it be a constant question looming over their relationship. May as well ask it now when Mokou felt prepared for the answer, whatever it may be. Preparing for the worst, Mokou took a sharp inhale and, after waiting for Reisen to finish her sentence, asked as quickly and quietly as possible,
“Is what we have normal?”
The tiny room was now eerily silent. Reisen’s hands moved to shield her face (was that red on her cheeks or was Mokou just crazy?) as a palpable tension enveloped the room.
After a few moments that felt like an eternity, Reisen, still hidden behind the fortress of her arms, squeaked out, “In what regard?” Mokou could feel herself becoming red with that short inquiry alone. She definitely hadn’t planned this out well. Nice job, Mokou, don’t even have a response for the most basic question she would have in response.
After one shaky breath, Mokou responded, “I mean, you’re always trying to touch me. It’s weird. To me at least. I don’t know if any of this is normal. Is this just something friends do that I’m not getting?” She still felt a tension inside her, but at least she got the major points out there.
Reisen, still with a scarlet tint on her face, took a few moments to process all of these new queries. Mokou certainly couldn’t tell what the moon rabbit was thinking, but it was clear that she was seriously contemplating every little thing Mokou had said (in the most horrible wording imaginable, but it wasn’t like Mokou could change that now).
After a small eternity had passed, Reisen finally seemed to find it in herself to say, “It’s a comfort thing.” When Mokou’s blatant look of confusion seemed to confirm her suspicions that she would have to elaborate, she looked up at Mokou for the first time since Mokou’s question and said, “Back on the moon, all of us rabbits were like this. It was just natural for us to be all… touchy-feely with each other. It was our way of coping with everything I guess.” She paused yet again to let everything sink in, awkwardly shuffling and looking up at Mokou’s face yet again before turning right back down as the pink tint on her face seemed to darken. “I… can’t say if it’s normal here on Earth, but it’s always made me feel better, so I guess it was just instinct for me to cling to people that I trust.” It was then that she seemed to realize the implications of what she’d just said, but at this point there was no fighting it for her. No protests, no insistences of “Don’t take it the wrong way!”, just reluctant yet content acceptance of her feelings towards her unlikely friend. “I like being around you. I’ve never felt like you were gonna hurt me, except maybe towards the beginning. But now, I can’t imagine something like that from you.”
Reisen hadn’t talked about her past in months, never mind to this (albeit limited) extent, but instead, all Mokou could think about was Reisen trusts me. Somehow, Reisen actually feels safe enough around me to be all touchy. It was a lot to process, and Mokou could already feel herself blanking on anything good to say in response. After centuries of self-loathing, hearing one of the few genuinely good people in your life tell you that they care about and trust you, even while knowing that you’d done horrible things in the past, was so encouraging. Just like that, Mokou suddenly felt just a bit better about herself, wondering just what she had done right to get someone like Reisen in her life.
“... I didn’t know it was such a big deal to you…” Mokou whispered, wishing she could say anything more than that after Reisen had poured out even a bit of her well-ironed heart.
Reisen looked at her, a small resigned smile on her face. “You never mentioned how you felt about all of this, did you?”
It was then that Mokou realized she was completely right.
Somehow, Mokou had never stopped to think about how she felt about the touching when that had been on her mind so much for the past few weeks. It was… confusing. It was… not the worst thing ever. It was… kind of nice, especially coming from someone so genuine like Reisen. She couldn’t imagine herself enjoying something like this coming from Eirin or Tewi or, goodness forbid, Kaguya. Reisen was someone she felt comfortable around, so it stood to reason that she felt comfortable even when the moon rabbit was subtly taking her out of her comfort zone.
Now how to get that across without sounding weird, that was a whole other question.
Mokou took a deep breath, hoped that she wouldn’t regret anything, and responded, “I… guess I’m not against it. It’s just… new is all.” She struggled to find anything else to say; no words would come out of her mouth, and she wondered if what little she had managed to say was enough to convey the fact that Reisen made her a lot happier than she had been before.
Reisen gave one of those soft smiles of hers. “That’s fine, I get it.” Her eyes began to focus down on her lap as she avoided looking at the immortal’s face. “Do you want me to stop?”
“No,” Mokou said instantly (way too quickly in her own opinion). She took a shaky breath. “You’ve got free reign.”
Reisen looked up in surprise. “What do you mean?”
Another deep breath. It would be so much easier to back out, but Mokou knew she didn’t want to, not when Reisen seemed to want it just as much as her.
“You can hold my hand or something. I’m alright with it.”
Reisen looked at the immortal carefully. “Are you sure?”
The immortal could feel a tiny smile on her face. “Yeah.”
The lunar rabbit looked as though she couldn’t believe what the other girl had said, not quite sure what to do with this new power yet. Slowly, she nudged her hand towards the immortal’s, placing it on top before interlocking her fingers with Mokou’s.
Mokou was honestly a little surprised (and was that disappointed?) that Reisen wasn’t going any further with the contact, but the feeling of the other girl holding her hand was far from an unwelcome one. It made her feel… floaty almost, like all she could think of was how lovely the girl across from her, holding her hand so delicately, was.
It was weird. It was nothing Mokou had ever felt in the centuries she’d been alive. And yet, she never wanted to feel anything else ever again. It was just so warm, warmer than her flames could ever hope to be.
Was this what being with people you cared about felt like? A delicate balancing game of not getting too close or too far, striking the right balance to make each other feel comfortable? Did any of this even have a name? Was this what happened when you let people into your heart and things actually seemed to work out?
Whatever, it didn’t matter. None of it did. All that mattered in that moment was Reisen’s fingers interlocked with her own, her light voice drifting through the air once more as Mokou hoped that this moment of theirs would never end.