Chapter Text
’Would you butcher my love to understand it?
To know where it lies.’
—-
A few dozen light years away, Finn and Rey were somewhere Poe Dameron wasn’t, soft sand under their feet and the hot suns of Tatooine beating down onto their faces. Finn watched through the flaring light, seeing Ray’s silhouette shimmering into view as she walked up the dusty dunes towards him. The breeze caught her hair, the loose strands billowing around her face. Her skin was red with the exertion- but she was smiling.
“Done?”
“Yeah.”
She held a saber still, but it wasn’t one of the two she’d left back there under the sand. It was her own.
“Rey Skywalker,” she said, not a moment after they’d fallen into a step beside each other. Finn looked up to see her grin. He was quick to match it, realising what the outburst implied.
“Suits you.”
“You think?”
“Completely.”
---
The base on Ajan Kloss felt so goddamn empty.
It wasn’t like it was actually empty. It was alive, bustling and happy, full with resistance troops living their newfound peace. It had been 4 days since the battle of Exegol, when Palpatine fell, when everything had just grinded to a halt, just like that. They’d won. They’d won the war. Poe remembered the anxiety he felt when he landed his steaming X-Wing, smoke billowing out of every crevice of the stupid thing- but it didn’t matter, because shit, he had to get out. He’d jumped down from the cockpit faster than he’d ever done anything. He’d checked on BB-8, kissed his head, and then his eyes were frantically searching for someone else. Two people, to be specific.
Finn first. They’d collided in a hug that took his breath away. Poe’s arms wrapped feverishly around Finn, a hand around his neck, nose pressed into the collar- and he relaxed in a way he hadn’t for about a month. They found Rey after that, too, and they hugged. Tight, warm, familiar. All of them, all together, safe. Safe.
The night that followed was one of celebration and mourning, one that they’d spent around a fire with the majority of the resistance, talking and laughing and filling the spaces in between with solemn silences. They’d won- but they’d lost, too. They’d lost so much, way too much. Poe almost couldn’t bare to look at Karé when they’d got back, and found it even harder to think about her husband, because *Snap Wexley was dead.* Her face broke his heart. He only spoke to her once that night, and he felt awful about it.
“I’m so sorry.”
She was the one to pull Poe into a tight, broken hug, and that made him feel even more pathetic- but it was okay. They all cried that night for everyone they’d lost. They cried together.
The next day, Finn and Rey left to visit Tatooine.
---
“Wake up, General, c’mon.”
Poe stirred on the fourth day after the battle, blinking dust out of his eyes. The air shifted around him as light fell through the gaps in the shutter blinds, telling him it was… late morning. Maybe afternoon. He wasn’t sure. His mouth tasted stale, an uncomfortable heat sticking to his skin, and he let out a soft groan as the rapping on his cabin door pulled him from sleep. It was a voice that he recognised almost instantly, her tone playful and maybe a little worried. He might have just imagined that. Either way- he was going back to sleep.
“General.”
It was so weird. He wasn’t really a General. Sure didn’t feel like it.
Suddenly, there were a couple of beeps Poe only just managed to hear. They roughly translated to ’Poe is lazy,’ and after a few lines of bleeping code, the door clicked open. It didn’t take long for Suralinda to walk in, standing at the foot of his bed like a strict mother with her dark hair billowing down her back. She was a bold presence among Poe’s room of browns and oranges, her blue skin a brilliant contrast to everything else as she smiled.
“Thanks, Beebee.” Then she saw Poe. “Oh, Dameron.”
Poe rolled over, blinking the dust away. She was still a little fuzzy.
“Go away.”
As if he thought that would work.
He tried his best. Slowly, he rolled over again, pulling the covers up to his chin, making sure every part of him was covered in soft duvet from head to toe. He sunk back into the mattress, sighing as the bed enveloped him in warmth. He’d rather stay right there. Right there was just fine.
“You’ve been asleep all morning,” Suralinda said gently, and Poe could imagine her leaning against the doorframe in his head, mom-mode. It annoyed him. Then again, everything annoyed him right now. He knew she was good, really. Always meant good. “People are missing you.”
“They’ll see me eventually,” Poe said easily. How long ‘eventually’ was, he wasn’t sure.
The Squamatan sighed.
“They just got back.”
Poe stiffened. His eyes got wide.
“Finn and Rey?”
“Yes.”
It was like a light had been flicked on somewhere. Poe’s stomach made a slow lurch as suddenly, he was wide awake. It was a strange sensation, like someone had pulled the curtains from his eyes and everything was blindingly bright again. Really blinding. There were several thoughts that came alongside it- ’they’re back. They’re back. I have to see them’. Then there was ’kriff, they’re back. fuck’.
“Oh.”
He tried to act completely normal as he pulled the covers off himself, stood, then crossed the room quickly to his drawers. As normally, evenly as he could- but in truth, his heart was suddenly beating too fast, sudden revelation driving him forward. Apparently way too much- Suralinda coughed as he got out of bed, raising her eyebrows and turning away.
“I’m real lucky that you got underwear on, huh?”
“Or unlucky.”
“You flatter yourself.”
It took less than a minute for Poe to pull on some trousers that were probably due a wash, and to find a shirt that didn’t have a mark on it. After pulling on his boots, he was in front of his mirror, staring at the reflection that looked back at him. He looked just about as tired as he felt. Eyebags dark and pronounced, skin having lost its shine somehow, and his hair just a little greasy. Not that greasy. It was fine.
He ran his hand through the curls, biting his lip. Goddamnit.
“You ready?” Suralinda asked quietly from behind him, after watching him look at himself for all too long. BB-8 shared the same kind of attitude, beeping quietly at his feet.
No. He wasn’t.
“Yes.”
She stopped him as he made a step for the door, fingers fixing the chain around his neck.
“Jealousy isn’t a good look on you, Poe.”
He stiffened.
He knew it wasn’t. It was ugly. It was red hot and fiery, ran deep through his blood when he felt it, and stuck around for a long damn time. It nestled in the pit of his stomach like hot coals, burning him up. It got him angry, mad for no reason, wanting to shut himself away from everyone and everything, just because he couldn’t handle the idea of being someone’s second choice. It made him annoying and moody, bitchy and tense, quiet and… shit. It was ugly. He was ugly, right now.
And it wasn’t just the jealousy. It was something else that ran alongside it, something he couldn’t control. He didn’t want to think about it.
But when he thought about Finn and Rey, it hurt. Like there was a huge hole in his chest.
He was about to say something to Sura, but eventually decided against it. He took a sharp breath before going to step past her- that movement alone taking so much effort to do. His body felt heavy as he exited his quarters and left her alone, hearing BB-8 roll along after him somewhat carefully- even though it was clear the little guy was excited. Finn home, Rey home. Amazing. Cool. Brilliant.
It had only been three days, but it was three days too long. It had taken everything out of him, and he didn’t even want to admit why.
For now, he could just see them. That was all he wanted, all he needed. The two people he cared about so much, caring for him back.
There was a chance they wouldn’t.
Fingers crossed.