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In their sixth year at Hogwarts, Jiang Cheng realizes that Lan Wangji has a huge, embarassing crush on Wei Wuxian.
You would think that the Ravenclaw's impeccable poker-face would have kept his affections a secret longer, but nothing accounted for Nie Huaisang's spooky people-reading powers. (Jiang Cheng can't believe he ever thought Nie Huaisang was lazy and incompetent. He's clearly lazy and devastatingly competent.)
The first time Nie Huaisang points it out, Jiang Cheng doesn't believe him.
He sputters. "But it's...Wei Ying! And Lan Wangji!"
Jiang Cheng isn't the biggest fan of Lan Wangji, but he does grudgingly respect him.
Lan Wangji is consistently the top of their year. As goalkeeper of the Ravenclaw Quidditch team, he's known as the Iron Wall. He's memorized and mastered every etiquette rule published in the last century, and all the parents consider him their generation's paragon of a Pureblood heir. Most girls in their school (and probably some of the boys as well) would easily Avada Kedavra someone for a chance with the great Hanguang-jun.
"Lan Wangji is impressive, but Wei Ying isn't a slouch either. He's 'youngest Animagus in a half-century, Runes genius, and top three in our year' Wei Ying, after all," Nie Huaisang reminds him.
Well, when he puts it like that, he makes Wei Wuxian sound downright respectable.
Jiang Cheng is self-aware enough of the massive inferiority complex he holds in regards to his adoptive brother. But to him, Wei Wuxian will always be the idiot who fell off the pier while trying to pick lotus seeds when he was ten, who pretends he's a toddler in front of their shijie, and who is so afraid of dogs that he hides behind Jiang Cheng whenever he hears a bark. Even from a Pomeranian.
"I guess I can sort of see it?"
Wei Wuxian's free-spirited nature, sharp wit, and strong sense of justice make him well-liked among the Hogwarts population. And Jiang Cheng shudders just thinking about it, but he supposes that Wei Wuxian is considered...objectively attractive. Ugh.
"If 50% of the eligible girls and boys at Hogwarts have a crush on Lan Wangji, at least 25% are into Wei Ying," Nie Huaisang reveals mercilessly. "By the way, the other 25% is split between Lan Xichen and Jin Zixuan."
Temporarily derailed, Jiang Cheng scoffs, "Jin Zixuan?!"
"Unfortunately, your sister is not alone in her bad taste. He's sparkly, rich, and well-bred. And quite handsome when his mouth is shut."
Jiang Cheng pretends to gag, and that's the end of the conversation. For now.
The second time Nie Huaisang suggests Lan Wangji is in love with Wei Wuxian, Jiang Cheng actually sees it.
"Lan Zhaaaan!" Wei Wuxian whines, draping himself over Lan Wangji's shoulders.
"Shameless!" Lan Wangji scolds. "No talking in the library."
"Notice how he doesn't actually tell Wei Ying to stop touching him," Nie Huaisang comments clinically. "Or move away."
They watch as Wei Wuxian needles Lan Wangji until he gets bored with the lack of response and hops away to find a book.
The textbook is located on a higher shelf, and Wei Wuxian has to stretch to reach it, exposing a swathe of smooth skin.
"Notice how Lan Wangji is practically drooling."
Lan Wangji is not actually drooling, but his eyes are glued to the sliver of skin revealed above Wei Wuxian's waistband. He manages to forcefully drag his gaze away, but not before his ears turn a deep shade of red.
"Lan Wangji is into Wei Ying." Jiang Cheng wants to gouge out his own eyes. "How do I unsee this?"
"There's no going back once you've been enlightened," Nie Huaisang says calmly.
In other words, suffer along with me.
Once Jiang Cheng sees it, he can't stop seeing it.
A few months later, they learn the Patronus charm. It's three years later than the famous Boy-Who-Lived mastered it, but they also don't have Dementors guarding Hogwarts so the delay seems fair.
Expecto Patronum is considered one of the trickiest spells out there, so this defensive unit spans weeks. The Professor makes it clear that she expects today to be the day students start successfully casting the charm.
Surprisingly, Jiang Cheng figures it out before Wei Wuxian. (He doesn't like to admit it, but Wei Wuxian is almost always quicker at intuiting spells than he is.)
However, his rush of accomplishment is quickly doused when he notices the form of his Animagus.
A fucking goose? Really?
It honks loudly and then tries to take a nip out of his ankle. When the goose realizes that it is incorporeal and therefore incapable of inflicting the bodily harm it so clearly wants to, it tosses its head disdainfully.
Wei Wuxian nearly falls over laughing. "No, no - I'm not making fun of you. It just - hah! - really resembles you. You and Madame Jiang can start an aviary together."
His mother's Animagus happens to be a swan. Although her swan also has aggressive tendencies, it looks elegant when not actively attacking people, which is more than he can say for the disaster of a goose in front of him.
Several attempts later, Wei Wuxian finally casts a successful Patronus. It's a familiar sleek, red-eyed panther. Wei Wuxian made the papers two years ago for registering as the youngest Animagus in fifty years, and everyone knows that his Animagus form was a panther.
What is surprising is Lan Wangji's Patronus. It's almost identical to Wei Wuxian's panther, except bulkier and with sapphire blue eyes instead of ruby red.
"Wow, we match! I would have picked a bunny or something for you, but this one's a beauty too," Wei Wuxian says in delight, as the blue-eyed panther nudges him affectionately. Because Lan Wangji's Patronus is a thousand times more demonstrative than he is.
Case in point, Lan Wangji clears his throat awkwardly. "Yes. How - coincidental."
Jiang Cheng stares incredulously. His brother can't possibly be this stupid, can he? The story about Severus Snape's doe Patronus was widely spread after the war. A Patronus will usually manifest itself as an animal that closely matches one's personality. However, wizards and witches who love deeply have been known to take on the Patronus forms of their loved ones. It's pretty obvious to Jiang Cheng that Lan Wangji is a case of the latter.
After the practical portion of the lesson is over, the Defense Professor pointedly reminds them that some wizards will have their Patronus shaped by the people most influential on them.
Everyone side-eyes Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian.
Lan Wangji, who totally knows what he's guilty of, shifts in discomfort, but Wei Wuxian doesn't seem to register this information as relevant whatsoever.
It seems his brother can, in fact, be that stupid.
Wei Wuxian waltzes into the classroom where their remedial Potions lesson is taking place with the unfounded confidence that nobody will stop him.
Unfortunately, the Potions Professor has chosen this exact time to duck into the ingredients closet so nobody does actually stop him. Wei Wuxian has the luck of the devil sometimes.
"Dearest brother! My partner in crime, Nie Huaisang! And my darling Wen Ning!" he chirps in greeting.
"Get out!" Jiang Cheng hisses. "We're in the middle of making up for yesterday's failed potion. I'll kill you if you distract us now."
Of course, Wei Wuxian takes this as an invitation to step even closer. He sticks his head right over their cauldron in complete disregard of lab safety procedures. It's a good thing they're brewing Amortentia and not any recipe that emits toxic fumes.
Wei Wuxian inhales the pink-colored potion fumes wafting out of the cauldron.
"Whoa, this smells just like Lan Zhan's shampoo. Why are you guys brewing Lan Zhan's shampoo?"
Jiang Cheng chokes.
"Nobody tell him," Nie Huaisang whispers.
"You should save some for me, too! I've been trying for ages to figure out what brand he uses."
"Wei-gongzi, I think the Professor is coming back soon," Wen Ning cautions.
"Wen Ning, you're my favorite." Wei Wuxian blows him a kiss, before turning to Jiang Cheng again. "I just popped in to tell you that shijie is making pork ribs and lotus root soup today for dinner. Meet us in the kitchens at 7!"
He spins on his heel and exits the room, just as the door to the ingredients closet opens and the Professor re-enters the room.
"Oh no. It's mutual," Jiang Cheng moans, slumping onto the desk. It seems like Lan Wangji isn't the only one with the huge, embarrassing crush - just the only one who's aware of it.
Nie Huaisang pats him on the back. "It's okay. Wei Ying is oblivious, and Lan Wangji has zero communication skills. Barring intervention, they won't get together until Seventh Year."
Nie Huaisang is correct more often than not, and he's right on the mark with this prediction too. It takes until seventh year for the deadlock between Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji to start shifting.
Wei Wuxian has graduated from complete ignorance to...partial ignorance.
"He's so pretty. And talented." Wei Wuxian sighs, as he stares lovingly at Lan Wangji playing the guqin in the courtyard. "I wonder who he's going to the Yule Ball with."
"A few people have asked him, but he turned down all of them," Nie Huaisang informs them. Jiang Cheng won't even question how he gathered that information - the less Jiang Cheng is aware of the extensive spy network Nie Huaisang has managed to create during his seven years at Hogwarts, the better.
"Lan Zhan's probably holding out for his true love. His brother told me he's had his eye on someone for years!" Wei Wuxian says, depressed.
It's surprising that Lan Xichen has finally got fed-up enough to start giving hints, but he's still being too subtle for Wei Wuxian.
Jiang Yanli patiently tries to guide Wei Wuxian towards the correct path. "Who interacts with him most often? It's more likely that he's had a lot of contact with his crush, right?"
Wei Wuxian thinks hard for a moment. "Huh. Now that you mention it, Lan Zhan doesn't have a lot of friends, does he? He mostly hangs out with his brother and his cousins."
"And you," Wen Ning pipes up.
"And me," Wei Wuxian acknowledges.
They wait expectantly, but Wei Wuxian just says, "Hm...who could it be? Maybe it's Mianmian. Mianmian is a really great girl!"
It's true, Luo Qingyang is a great girl. Luo Qingyang has also been publicly out as a lesbian for three years. Wei Wuxian is possibly the only person in Hogwarts who remains unaware of this fact.
"Why don't you try feeling him out? Maybe you can annoy him into telling you," Wen Qing suggests. It seems like she too is fed-up of this nonsense.
Wei Wuxian perks up. "I am good at annoying people."
He bounds over to Lan Wangji, who immediately stops playing the guqin in favor of giving Wei Wuxian his undivided attention. The boy really is obvious, once you get rid of your pre-conceptions.
Jiang Cheng looks on with bated breath, but then he hears snatches of conversation like, "your crush," and "is it Mianmian."
Lan Wangji responds sharply. Wei Wuxian visibly wilts at the harsh rebuttal and misses the longing gaze that Lan Wangji shoots him as he leaves.
"This was amusing at first, but now it's just sad. Yule is coming up in less than two weeks." Nie Huaisang snaps his fan shut. "I suppose I'll have to intervene."
"Don't you dare," Jiang Cheng warns. It might be inevitable that his brother and the renowned Hanguang-jun will end up together, but that doesn't mean he can't delay that conclusion as long as he can.
"I am on the side of true love today," Nie Huaisang says magnanimously.
"Bullshit. Your takeover of the Wizarding World is going too smoothly, and you're bored."
"That too."
"They're already disgustingly soppy. Can you imagine how terrible those two will be once they finally get together?"
"I don't share a dorm room with Wei Ying, so it's not like I'll take the brunt of it anyway."
"You traitorous bastard."
"Heh. Hogwarts is pretty outdated. You know that the dorm rooms only block the opposite sex, right? Same-sex visitors are allowed. Want to guess how long it'll take for Wei Ying to exploit that loophole?"
"Nie Huaisang, you-!"
Nie Huaisang ignores Jiang Cheng. "YO! Honorable Hanguang-jun!" It's rude, but it gets Lan Wangji's attention.
Wei Wuxian mouths in horror, "What are you doing?"
Nie Huaisang betrays him with no hesitation. "Wei Ying once mistook the Amortentia we were brewing for your shampoo. Also, he thinks your eyes are pretty. Please do us a favor and ask him out to the Yule Ball before we all die of old age."
For a devious schemer like Nie Huaisang, it's very unsubtle, but that's probably the only kind of tactic that will work on someone as thick-headed as Wei Wuxian and as emotionally constipated as Lan Wangji.
Wei Wuxian is usually so cheerful, but he looks pissed this time. Nie Huaisang had better run and hide if this plan doesn't work.
Then, Wei Wuxian registers the dead silence around them, and his face drains of color. He's still facing them, so he fails to notice the expression of shocked joy on Lan Wangji's face.
Jiang Cheng can tell Wei Wuxian is about to run away and probably avoid Lan Wangji for thirteen years. Also, Nie Huaisang has pushed him into a corner, and Jiang Cheng is not going to let his brother become a laughingstock, no matter how much aiding and abetting this relationship annoys him.
So Jiang Cheng cups his hand around his mouth. "Hey! Wei Ying!"
Wei Wuxian shoots him a look of betrayal, like "Et tu, Brute?"
Jiang Cheng continues shouting. "Lan Wangji has had a crush on you for the last two years!"
("Six," mutters Lan Xichen.)
"Literally everyone knows that he's obsessed with you. His patronus is a panther because of you, you oblivious idiot. You are the only person outside of his family that he actually likes, probably because he wants you married into his family. We have a betting pool on when you'll inevitably get together, which you've now screwed me out of a win for. I think even Professors have placed bets. I beg you - put us out of our misery already."
Now, it's Lan Wangji's turn to look embarrassed.
Wei Wuxian's eyes grow as large as plates, and he whips around. "Lan Zhan! You - you really like me?" He has the audacity to sound surprised.
After a long pause, Lan Wangji admits, "Always." Now there is a wizard who has never said two words when one would suffice.
A guy like this is going to be Jiang Cheng's brother-in-law? First, Jiang Yanli with that peacock she adores, and now Wei Wuxian with this expressionless statue. Jiang Cheng despairs for future family get-togethers.
But Wei Wuxian seems to appreciate expressionless statues because he immediately throws himself into his arms.
"I'm so happy, Lan Zhan! Let's go to the Yule Ball together."
"En."
"And we should date. We're boyfriends now. No take-backsies!"
"Yes. Won't ever let go of Wei Ying."
"And oh, oh! Do you want to travel with me after graduation, fighting dangerous creatures and searching for runes in buried ruins?"
"Mm."
Wei Wuxian always has a smile on his face, but this one is brighter than any Jiang Cheng has seen before. And Lan Wangji isn't unmoved either. Jiang Cheng spots the stoic line of his mouth twitching upwards.
...alright, fine. Jiang Cheng will allow it, but he's delivering the mother of all shovel talks to Lan Wangji later.
(Later:
"So who won the betting pool?"
"A split between Nie Huaisang, Jiang Yanli, and Lan Xichen."
"Figures.")