Archive of Our Own ^beta

Komori had accompanied him home.

He had helped him to get comfortable, to undress, to take a shower.

He had guided him to the bed and sat beside him.

He had embraced him when he had burst into tears.

He had held him tight as he gave in to sobs. And he hadn't let him go until Sakusa cried himself to sleep.

...

Sakusa Kiyoomi’s world had lost its colors.

What at the beginning seemed like a crack had widened to become a chasm, a bottomless abyss without borders and in which getting lost was as easy as it once was to breathe. But now Sakusa was plummeting and his breaths had become heavy panting, silent cries for help, they had turned into drops of wasted opportunities, shattered fragments of a lost future, dark shadows under even darker eyes.

Some events change you. Others change your life.

This had changed Sakusa’s so much that it was no longer possible to call it "life". From the day of the accident Sakusa Kiyoomi had simply existed, tried in vain to recover all those breaths he had missed, he had attempted to cling to the nuances, he had held them in his hands and kept them close to his chest in a last gesture of desperate prayer.

In response, they had transformed into water and escaped.

But they hadn't escaped quickly. No. On the contrary. They had crept between the cracks left open by his fingers and started to drip. And, drop by drop of color, they had dissolved, far from him, unattainable.

The most painful thing had been the slow process. Sakusa had seen them slip away. And all he could do was stand in the deep silence of the dark room he was in. He had continued to look at his hands without seeing them for a long time.

He had moved them towards his face. Because he could still move them. His hands, his body were things he still had control over.

So why was he crying?

...

Sakusa Kiyoomi had gone blind.

A few weeks ago he had opened his eyes in a hospital bed and, simply, there was nothing around him anymore. Or rather, there was a world, but Sakusa was now unable to see it.

The colors. Gone.

He had always thought that being blind meant seeing everything black.

He had been wrong.

He would've been grateful to have had something black in front of him, or to have something in general in front of him. But there had been nothing. Only an indistinct and absolute void that extended to infinity.

That had left him alone with himself.

...

The first few days had been the worst.

Sakusa couldn't remember how to move, he had had no idea how to react, how to return to what his routine had been.

The only thing he could be sure of had been waking up.

Now opening or closing his eyes wouldn't make a difference to him. In any case, the only companion he had was the cave with no beginning and no end in which he was, and which had become like a second home.

Sakusa was awake because you’re awake when you’re aware you’re breathing, right?

And yet he didn’t get out of bed. Who knows how long he lay there before Komori opened his bedroom door and helped him start the day, one step at a time.

It had been three weeks since his first awakening in hospital. Four days since he returned to his apartment. And Komori hadn't even left him for a second.

He helped him pick out clothes, wash himself, eat, he answered his messages, went to the grocery store and did his laundry for him.

Komori was strong enough for both of them.

And Sakusa had never felt so useless.

...

Sakusa was still getting depressed on his bed when, a few days later, the bell rang.

His first visit.

Obviously it was Komori who opened the door. Sakusa wasn't sure who it was.

He heard him say something, but the sound came to him muffled and distant because of the room's closed door.

Komori entered and approached the bed in long steps, or at least, it is what Sakusa inferred.

"Get up princess, you have visitors!" He said while shaking him with a little too much heat.

"No"

"Either you get up or I let them in here. The choice is yours" and Komori's kind voice sounded a lot like a threat. He was probably also smiling.

Sakusa managed to stand up. But he got up too quickly and, for a few seconds, he felt like he was falling. Luckily his cousin’s arms grabbed him, restoring the balance that in those days, more than any other moment, he had frantically tried to regain.

His was a world of high seismic risk, and every single moment of quiet had to be savored, celebrated, it was a gift, a victory. But it never lasted long enough. Stabilizing what is in precarious equilibrium is not easy, it takes time, a lot of time and, above all, it takes a hand, or two.

Sakusa had spent years isolating himself and seeking solitude and peace. Who would have thought that one day the noise would be the only thing to hold on to?

It is thanks to that noise that he was able to understand who his guest was, or rather who his guests were.

MSBY Black Jackals. Judging by the sound of feet on the floor and voices, it must have been the full team.

"What are you doing here?" he started.

Komori, who had practically dragged him to the living room, gave him a nudge in the hip and Sakusa had to hold back a groan of pain.

"Has it ever crossed your mind that maybe your team cares about you?" the captain asked.

Sakusa didn’t know how to respond, so he just blinked his eyes.

"Of course" Meian answered his own question. But he seemed to be smiling.

"Omi-san, how do you feel?" This was Hinata.

But before Sakusa could open his mouth, Inunaki said, "But do you see him? He's a wreck. Clearly, he can’t take care of himself. Komori you are a blessing"

Komori chuckled.

"Omi-Omi, did you eat? We’ll keep you company for dinner, we brought some food" it was Bokuto’s voice.

"Tasty things" Thomas stressed. Sakusa knew he was a big fan of Japanese cuisine.

So they sat down at the table and ate. Initially the silence was embarrassing, but they began to create a certain rhythm and managed to start a conversation that touched many points but not volleyball, never volleyball. Sakusa was grateful for it. He still didn’t feel ready to think about everything he had to leave. Would he ever be?

He must have been distracted because at some point he heard Inunaki say "Earth to Sakusa Kiyoomi, do you copy?"

"What?"

"He's a lost cause" the libero huffed.

"Speaking of lost causes, Atsumu told us to tell you that he had plans, but he wanted to specify that you won't be able to get rid of him so easily and that he'll come to visit you either later today or tomorrow" Meian told him.

"Never would be good time" Sakusa said thinking of his annoying setter.

"He also said he has a surprise for you," Bokuto beamed.

"And that you’ll love it," Hinata continued.

"I’m not sure I want to know more" he rolled his eyes.

"He told me he can’t wait to see your face" Thomas added.

"I don’t want to know any more" he stopped them all by lifting a hand.

They continued to speak until it was late and everyone had to go back home. Sakusa knew he had to thank them for the visit, for wasting their time on him and for having offered him dinner, but his mouth seemed to lose all faculties to speak and he couldn't utter a word, at least not before the door of his house closed.

"I’ll let them know" Komori gave him a pat on the shoulder.

...

"Look, Sakusa" Komori told him a few hours later "I have to go back" Sakusa knew that this moment would come sooner or later and that Komori had to leave to resume his everyday life.

"Don’t get me wrong, I’d stay, but you know I signed a contract"

"I know. You’ve been skipping practice for over a week," he said flat.

"I swear I’ll visit you as many times as I can and whenever I can"

"Komori"

"Yes?"

"Don’t ruin your life for me" he said matter-of-factly, as if he didn’t know what else to say, how to thank him for all he had done, for taking care of him, for being there and for keeping him on his feet.

He said it with the knowledge that he wasn't worth it.

"I’m your friend" as if this explained everything, as if it were so simple.

Maybe it was. Sakusa didn’t know.

"Thank you" he gave him a soft and tight smile, but he knew that Komori would understand.

There was a pause.

"But don’t beat yourself up, I found you a house mate" now he was definitely smiling.

"What?"

"Did you really think I was reckless enough to leave an idiot like you alone?"

Sakusa’s face must have answered for him because Komori moved on.

"Just goes to show, you’re an idiot"

"Who?"

"Well...

As if on cue at that exact moment someone rang the intercom. It had to be close to midnight. What idiot disturbs people so late? His head offered him only one option: the worst.

"Go open" Komori urged him.

"If it’s who I think it is, you’re dead"

He heard Komori giggling. He went to the door and put his hand on the handle. When he opened it he immediately understood that his nightmare had come true, he didn’t even need a voice to confirm it. Of course the voice came anyway, almost wanting to challenge him.

"Say hi to your new house mate, Omi-kun"

Sakusa slammed the door in his face.

...

"I feel so welcome, Omi-Omi, I expected nothing more from you" he screamed through the door. Sakusa was sure he was smiling his stupidly smug smile.

That was definitely on his list of things he didn't miss, and he never would miss. Yet not even not seeing him spared Sakusa from the irritation that crept into his bones whenever Miya Atsumu was nearby.

"Why?" Sakusa asked Komori.

"Various reasons"

"Enlighten me" Sakusa hoped to be directing his darkest gaze in the right direction.

"Well, for starters, I have to go, you would never trust someone you don’t know, but you don’t know a lot of people besides me, which reduces the field to your team, but some of them have families to take care of. Furthermore, you would never move into someone else’s house unless a catastrophe hits yours. Bokuto and Hinata are good people, but you wouldn’t be able to stay with them for more than a certain period of time before complaining about how loud they are. Atsumu was the best choice and he’ll keep you in line much better than me"

Sakusa was impressed. But not enough to accept Atsumu’s presence at a distance of less than two meters, especially off the court.

"Please explain exactly how he is the best choice"

"Because I’m too nice to you, he’ll be able to adjust"

"No"

"Sakusa"

"I don’t trust him"

"He’s your setter, at some point you must have trusted him"

"Was" That’s all Sakusa could mutter. For some reason he felt drained. He felt Komori touch his arm, but it was so light that he thought he had imagined it.

"I’m gonna open the door, all right?"

Sakusa nodded. He no longer wanted to talk or do anything. He needed to go back to bed, where he had spent the last few days, the only safe place, his safe place.

It was soft, comfortable, welcoming.

Full of monsters. Freezing. The home of the nightmares that made him wake up in a cold sweat and tears in the middle of the night.

That bed was full of contradictions, like life.

Sakusa could have spent his entire existence up there.

He went to his room as he heard the door open.

He would never come out again.

...

At one point he heard a knock.

"Sakusa I'm going"

He couldn't bring himself to answer.

"Learn how to let people help you"

And even though his voice was muffled by the wall separating them he sounded sad, but also hopeful.

Sakusa remained silent.

...

Around him there were only the dark shadows of those who once were bright colors. The shadows approached him, one step, one breath. They continued to advance relentlessly, surrounding him completely. They were close. Very close. Terribly close.

He began to feel them on him, cold as death. They made his skin crawl. He couldn’t stop shaking, but the shadows wouldn’t let him go, they had no intention of loosening their grip, their arms and hands were blurred tentacles made of a rough and unpleasant fabric.

Sakusa wanted to run, but he was paralyzed, and those tentacles held him in a deadly embrace, creeping into his nose, preventing him from inhaling, in his mouth, drowning him in a sea of darkness and ice, a sea during a tempest, with colorless waves and a wind capable of breaking your bones.

...

Sakusa wasn’t awake. He couldn’t be awake because he wasn’t breathing.

He couldn’t feel the air entering his lungs, he couldn’t tell if his eyes were open or not. Did he drown? Was he dead?

Then he felt something on his face, as if a needle had stuck in his cheek.

It was removed. And then it went back to penetrate his skin.

It hurt. Sakusa realized that he had kept his eyes closed the whole time because suddenly he opened them wide.

There was nothing in front of him.

Of course.

But that needle kept stinging. He brought a hand to the point where all the pain was concentrated.

He started hearing a voice saying things like "Come on come on come on" and "Breathe" and "It’s okay".

Sakusa was awake. He was breathing. He was alive.

"Finally" said the voice "Ya had me scared me for a moment, Omi-kun"

"What are you doing here?"

"Ya had a nightmare"

"Why are you here?"

"Ya were screaming and sweating and wheezing"

"You’re here"

"Yes"

"You slapped me" He massaged his cheek with a trembling hand, hoping to stop reliving in his mind the sinister images of that night.

"More than once"

"I hate you"

"Way to thank yer savior"

"Go away"

He didn’t want him to stay a second longer. He didn’t want him to see him that way. He couldn’t bear it.

The shadows kept dancing in front of him.

"Are you sure?"

He could no longer tell them apart, but they were there, making fun of him.

"Yes"

They touched his eyelids with their tentacles of darkness.

"Is that what you want?"

A shiver.

"Yes"

They would have gouged out his eyes.

"Last question. Is that what you need?"

He took his hands to his head and started shaking it, but the shadows' grip was made of iron.

"No"

"All right"

Atsumu sat next to him. He said nothing.

Sakusa took advantage of the quiet to sort out his thoughts, to return to reality.

"I need to get changed" he had sweat too much, but he didn’t have enough strength to get into the shower, he didn’t have enough strength to do anything.

"Okay"

Atsumu helped him up and supported him when he staggered due to the tremors he wasn’t able to get rid of.

He tried to pass him a T-shirt, but Sakusa’s hands seemed not to obey him, he was unable to lift them and tighten them around the light cloth that touched them.

"Is it okay if I touch ya?"

Sakusa swallowed. The strangest thing is that it wasn't because of the question, but because of the broken tone with which it was asked.

Sakusa must have nodded at some point because Atsumu’s fingers gently grabbed the hem of the shirt he was wearing and slowly began to pull it up.

They were warm.

Atsumu helped him raise one arm, then the other. He carefully pulled it off.

He repeated the procedure backwards to make him wear the other. When he finished, he slid his hand through his hair, as if he wanted to make up for messing with it in the process.

Sakusa, in a moment of confusion and weakness, let himself lean into that delicate and caring touch, closing his eyes and emitting a feeble moan of pleasure.

Atsumu couldn’t help but notice.

But at that moment Sakusa wasn’t lucid enough for him to care. Atsumu twisted some strands between his fingers, tried to smooth others and, tucked one or two behind his ear, following the contour until he reached the same cheek that he had hit minutes (hours?) ago.

He felt something soft and warm brushing the exact point where the pain had started to fade.

Sakusa didn’t dare to move a millimeter, at least not until that feeling of warmth faded away, carrying all his other burdens with it.

"Better?"

This whisper came from somewhere in the direction of his closet.

When had he moved so far away? How did he manage to do it so quietly?

"I’ll take yer silence as a yes, Omi" he said in a cheerful tone.

Atsumu approached him again.

"We haven’t been living together for even a day, and I’ve already managed to take off yer clothes. I’m amazed" he giggled as he tucked his fingers under the hem of his shorts and lowered to tuck in another pair.

"Should I say something about the fact that we haven’t been living together for even a day and you’re already on your knees?" he mocked.

"Ya can have me in any position ya want, Omi-kun" from his tone it was possible to deduce that he had that unbearable smile printed on his face, the one he wouldn't miss.

Sakusa kicked him.

Atsumu complained, but he was giggling.

"Okay, we’re done" he guided him back to the bed, but as soon as he lay down, those shadows came back to visit the threshold of his eyelids.

"Do ya need anything else?"

"They’re not leaving"

Atsumu got stiff.

"I want them to go away"

He must have grabbed his arm at some point. Sakusa couldn't, didn't want to be alone in the company of his unconnected thoughts and his sinister shadows.

"All right" was all Atsumu responded to his desperate prayer.

He lay down next to him, but he didn't touch him.

"Try to sleep, Omi" he whispered.

But Sakusa couldn’t.

"Get closer" he said quickly, secretly hoping that Atsumu wouldn’t hear him.

"Sure?"

"I want them to go away" he repeated.

Atsumu got on his side and came so close that Sakusa felt his breath on the back of his head, an electric shock ran through his back. He got stiff.

"Omi, you’re too tense I don’t-

"Touch me"

For a few seconds neither of them moved.

"Will you soon ask me to marry you?"

Sakusa kicked him again.

But he didn't send him away when his arms surrounded his waist, he didn't complain when his leg positioned between his own, he didn't say a word when the cold tip of his nose leaned on his nape.

He nodded when his lips, a breath from his skin, asked "Is this all right?"

Sakusa was still afraid, but how could he focus on something else with Atsumu’s arms wrapped around him?

He had stopped shaking, he had control of his body again and, even if those monsters reached him, at least he had the certainty that Atsumu would die with him.

There was something terribly comforting about that thought.

"This night never happened. We will never speak of it again"

"But-

"Never"

Atsumu’s giggle was muffled by Sakusa’s hair, in which the other had buried his face.

"Never" he finally agreed. And he lifted a hand to touch his cheek once more, to draw circles and random shapes on it, to pass his fingertips on the edge of his ear, and finally to stroke his hair.

Sakusa closed his eyes.

And, for the first time that night, when he did, he wasn’t dragged to the bottom of a sea of broken possibilities and whirlpools of what had once been light.

...

Smau

Damu

Smua

Burden of my existence

I can’t believe that worked

Fuvk

AAAAAAAAAAAA

WE SLEPT TOGETHER

Fucking wake up

AnsWER

I HATe yA

...

When Sakusa woke up the next day he realized he was alone in bed. No Atsumu. No warmth.

The events of the previous night must have been a dream. It was to be decided whether it was a good or bad dream, but Sakusa didn't want to think about it. He had other problems to deal with, for example finding the strength to pull himself up, to start the day. To survive all day.

He had lost the will to do anything. He’d lost it the moment he'd woken up in the hospital. And finding it would be a feat far beyond his current capabilities.

Accidents happen. No matter how well you prepare, you can’t be ready for everything. It was something Sakusa had been dealing with a long time ago.

You’re at the wheel of the car of your life, you’re in control, as long as you keep calm and your cool, as long as you’re equipped, as long as you know how to take care of yourself everything will be fine, nothing will stop you. You’ll know when to accelerate, when to stop, how to handle a bump or a wrong turn. There will be times when you'll have the chance to slow down and look out the window for a moment. But you must never take your hands off the wheel, never let it slip, never lose focus until you have reached your destination.

But no matter how prepared you may be because the road is treacherous, the road deceives and conceals obstacles that the signs don't warn you of, obstacles that are often called 'surprises'.

Sakusa hated surprises.

Accidents happen, but knowing it didn't make him feel any better, he hadn't managed to overcome the obstacle right in front of him, he wasn't able to forgive himself for having interrupted his race before reaching the goal.

And if you don’t even accept yourself how can you accept the hand that is offered to you?

Sakusa was forced to let go of the wheel.

And now his car had entered a tunnel devoid of light, a cave devoid of glimmers of hope, a black hole in which space changed shape, certainties turned into doubts, truths into lies and directions became piles of smoke ready to suffocate you.

Sakusa wouldn’t have made it out alive.

...

He heard a knock. It was a soft touch, as if the person on the other side of the door didn't want to wake him up, but rather wanted to make sure he was awake.

Sakusa might avoid responding, but this would mean a possible return of Atsumu in the next few hours and, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't ignore him forever.

In any case, his bedroom door was not locked. Atsumu could have entered at any time. But he decided not to, to give Sakusa some time. And that was enough to earn the shred of respect needed to get an answer.

"What do you want?" Atsumu hadn't earned enough respect for the answer to be polite yet.

"I’m coming in" the door opened "Good morning, Omi-Omi, waking you up so early makes ya grumpy?" he said.

"What time is it?"

"Three in the afternoon"

Sakusa suddenly got up. He couldn't believe he had slept so much. Evidently the tiredness must have drained him to the point of knocking him out, there was no other possible explanation.

"Do ya want to have breakfast?"

"I’m not hungry"

"When’s the last time you ate something?"

"Doesn’t matter"

There was a moment of silence, Sakusa imagined that Atsumu had tilted his head on one side as if to study him, perhaps convinced that by looking at him, he would find the solution to the arcane.

"You’re different, Omi-kun" that's all he said.

"How?"

"Stupider" the worst thing was the absence of malice in his tone, it sounded as a mere fact, an obviousness.

"Shut up"

"I thought ya'd become blind, not an idiot" his voice remained flat.

"Stop"

"You've stopped taking care of yerself. It’s not something the Omi-kun I know would do"

He was right, but hearing it from Atsumu for some reason particularly irritated him, hearing his voice as soon as he woke up was unbearable, even hearing him breathing was annoying.

That night some...things had happened. Things that Sakusa didn’t want to remember, he didn’t like to relive the feeling he felt when Atsumu’s hands touched his skin, when they ran through his hair, when they kept him standing. It had all been a dream. A nightmare. It had to be this way.

"It’s not easy"

"I know"

Sakusa felt a burning sting in his arms and it started spreading through his whole body, he felt the lava in his stomach and soon identified as anger the fire that corroded his insides, that crept into his throat, that pricked his eyes.

"What would you know?" that fire translated into equally scorching words.

"Omi-

Sakusa wouldn't waste another second listening to Atsumu’s nonsense, his false empathy, he no longer wanted to hear his name come out of his mouth. He wanted everything to end. To be alone. He wanted to lock himself in his room and avoid any contact with a world he no longer felt part of. He started to scream:

"You have no idea what it’s like to be me right now, and you’re the last person in the world I want to hear saying 'I get it, it’s not easy' because you’ll never understand, you don’t know how it feels, you don’t understand people, you don’t care about people at all, so what the hell are you doing here? And stop using that stupid nickname."

"I just wan-

"Maybe I didn’t make myself clear, just stop talking and go away." Sakusa no longer knew whether he meant from his room or his house.

When Atsumu left the room he didn't slam the door behind him. No. On the contrary. He closed it gently. Slowly. Painfully.

Sakusa was burning alive.

...

Samu I lost him

Weren’t ya sleeping with him last night?

What happened?

Sumu

Oi

Are ya dead?

Oh no, you’re typing

You’re alive

I was about to celebrate, ya ruined it

I told him he’s stupid for not eating and he started screaming and I tried to explain but he just screamed louder

Dw I think I ruin everything for everyone

Look at him getting all dramatic

SaMU PLEASE Say sometHING nICe

Sumu ya know you’ll never be enough for him

Thanks samu, really helpful, I’m touched

But isn’t that what you always wanted? Someone who challenges you to run faster and faster until one day ya just drop dead?

[read]

...

He spent two whole days in his room.

He only went out once to get a bottle of water.

He had stopped eating, sleeping, no longer remembered the sound of his own voice.

He felt powerless.

He was useless.

The only thing he could still control were numbers. He had spent those days in their company. He had managed to count up to three thousand four hundred ninety before falling into the arms of Morpheus (in reality he had reached three thousand four hundred eighty-six, but had made a final effort to reach a number that ended with zero).

He had woken up a few hours later (maybe two) and had lost the will to do anything, even to try to close his eyes again.

Numbers were something certain, they were honest, even the craziest of them followed the rules. You could trust them.

People, on the contrary, were liars, were shapeless masses of doubts and contrasting emotions, they let themselves be guided by instinct and were unreliable.

And Sakusa was one of them.

Numbers don't have to worry about relationships with others because they are all guided, they follow precise laws that prevent error. Numbers don’t need feelings.

In that moment Sakusa would have loved to be a number.

...

On the third day he called Komori.

"Kiyoomi?"

"Why Atsumu?" were the first words he said in about fifty-seven hours, they came out a little broken, hoarse, desperate. He suppressed a cough.

Komori didn't ask him how he was, in what situation he was in, why his voice sounded that way. He knew that every question had a precise answer and that he had to get straight to the point.

"I already told you"

"A valid reason"

"Didn’t he tell you? His aunt is blind"

Komori was adding other reasons, but Sakusa had stopped listening.

He hung up. Turned off the phone. All he needed was to sink into the sweet death that the blankets of his bed offered him.

...

What might have been the fourth day began with Atsumu knocking on his door.

He had never left, he knew it because every now and then the door of the house closed and hours later it reopened. But he never heard footsteps. Never.

"Okay, listen to me, Sakusa, we’re probably both idiots, but I’m not stupid enough to leave ya alone to die in yer room like this, so let me in or come out or whatever doesn't lead to you rotting on your own bed."

Did Sakusa have the strength to stand up? He wasn’t sure.

"Sakusa?" He asked quietly as if he was afraid of waking him up, or that he was actually dead.

Sakusa tried as hard as he could to get on his feet, but his arms and legs continued to fail and his words couldn't get rid of the intricate trap that had entangled them in his throat.

He continued to try reaching beyond the threshold of the bed, but found himself on the ground.

He must have fallen. He must have hit his head. But he felt nothing.

"Sakusa?" Atsumu must have heard the thud.

Finding a precarious balance and moving towards the door was so hard. But he did it.

He had to turn the key, nothing complicated, but the effort that that little gesture required cost him a lot, too much. He staggered and fell just after turning the handle.

But this time his body didn't touch the ground. This time he felt something, a force opposed to gravity that allowed him to remain anchored to the ground that he felt to be missing under his feet.

Atsumu's arm encircled his waist while something (his hand?) quickly caressed his cheek and pulled locks of hair from his forehead.

"Idiot" he heard him whisper "Look at ya, you’re a mess."

And then Sakusa passed out.

...

He was breathing. He was awake.

There wasn't a single part of his body that didn’t hurt. A sense of nausea took hold of him. And it got worse when he tried to turn around.

"Stay still" Atsumu said somewhere to his left.

Sakusa froze.

"I brought ya something to eat. And if you dare to tell me you’re not hungry, I swear I’ll stick the spoon in your mouth."

There was nothing in his stomach, but Sakusa felt a weight moving inside it when he heard his voice so...flat? Empty?

Atsumu helped him to sit on the bed and lean on his headboard. Then he told him to open his mouth.

Sakusa wanted to say no, he wanted to express all his disgust at the prospect of being fed by Atsumu, but he was no longer capable of anything but breathing.

He counted to thirty and struggled to open his lips.

A hand was placed on his chin to hold it steady.

"Open"

Sakusa obeyed.

Atsumu pushed the spoon over the opening of his lips and Sakusa realized he was feeding him some vegetable soup.

"Swallow"

Sakusa forced himself to swallow that hot liquid. He knew he needed it, but everything was so hard, moving had become impossible.

They repeated the procedure two, five, eleven times until Sakusa was on the verge of throwing up.

Under normal conditions he shouldn't have felt this way, he knew that human beings could survive even more than a month without eating, but the mix of sleepless nights, minimal movements and neglected health was not one of the best.

"One last sip"

Sakusa shook his head "I can’t"

"Last" he stuck the soup in his mouth as he had promised at the beginning.

Sakusa couldn’t push himself to swallow this time.

"Sakusa. Swallow" The cold in his voice did the trick and, finally, the other felt satisfied, got up and left without saying a word.

Sakusa couldn't hear the sound of his footsteps, but the door closed so he must have left.

He felt the need to rush to the bathroom and vomit.

...

In the end he went to the bathroom. Pushed by Atsumu.

About an hour after what was supposed to be dinner, he showed up again in front of his bed and said "Take a bath. You stink"

"I can’t do it"

"Is it okay if I help you?" He hadn’t liked the flatness of that tone, but he’d been the one who explicitly asked for it, hadn’t he?

He nodded.

When Atsumu’s hands had lifted the blankets up and grabbed his legs to push him off the bed, he had flinched.

But he had collaborated and there he was, naked in front of Atsumu (not that he cared), waiting for the tub to fill up.

"What time is it?" he asked because the silence was killing him and he felt he had to say something. He knew he asked the wrong question, but he wasn’t ready for that conversation yet, and-

"Four o'clock"

"Morning?"

"Yeah"

"What day is it?"

"Saturday"

It was amazing how Sakusa had completely lost track of time in those few days when he decided to isolate himself from the world.

And that world had continued to turn without him.

Because Sakusa had become useless and no one would stop for him.

Except for-

"Why are you here?" was all he could say.

"'Cause an idiot like ya can't be left alone"

"Why are you still here?" Sakusa needed answers, he wanted to understand why Miya Atsumu, of all people, was willing to waste all that time looking after him. There was nothing pleasant about Atsumu and Sakusa had always had the feeling that if he got too close to him (not that he was going to do it), he would end up cutting himself with one of his sharp edges, one of his fake smiles, a splinter of his gigantic ego. Atsumu was as much of an idiot as Sakusa, but he was a dangerous idiot. How could someone like him make him feel safe?

Atsumu didn’t care about people. So why was he there to take care of him?

Sakusa had never liked him. All he had wanted was to shut him up. And now he had done it. He had shut Miya Atsumu up.

It wasn’t as satisfying as he’d expected it to be.

"'Cause an idiot like ya can't be left alone" he repeated "The tub is ready"

Sakusa almost stumbled to enter it. His head was spinning.

The water was warm enough, but Sakusa couldn’t relax, he couldn’t close his eyes and inhale without feeling suffocated.

"Sakusa, breathe"

"I can’t"

Atsumu slapped him. Twice. Thrice.

"Stop" he grabbed his arm "Slapping me isn’t the solution to all problems" he said with such a desire to slap himself.

"But it worked. You’re breathing"

Right. So he was still alive…

"Stop" repeated in a hoarse whisper.

"I did"

"That’s not what I meant" and he let his head sink underwater. Perhaps (he wasn't sure) when he shut his eyes real tight some tears came out. But in any case it wasn't important, because they immediately dispersed into the depths of that dark mysterious sea in which he had plunged.

Atsumu passed the shampoo through his hair and helped him to wash himself.

His hands were running on his body, they were delicate, light, careful, but something wasn't right, what he felt was not the same feeling he had had that first night when shivers had electrified his every muscle. No. These movements were gentle, but robotic. There was no trace of… whatever was there before.

How could something so warm feel so cold?

When they finished Atsumu handed him clean clothes and Sakusa was able to wear them alone. Progress.

But when he finished, he realized that even though he hadn't heard him, Atsumu had left.

...

Obviously Sakusa couldn’t sleep.

He tried to count, but this time it didn’t work because he reached two thousand and still no sign of sleep pervaded him.

His kind of tiredness was different from the one that makes you sleep at night, it was all the opposite: the one that keeps you awake for hours contemplating your ceiling until all you are able to do is wish it falls on you and puts an end to your suffering.

He got up with a lot of effort and headed to the kitchen, he had no idea what he was going to do, but getting out of his room was a good start, right?

The TV was on, so he assumed that Atsumu was on the couch watching it. When he noticed his presence, he asked him if he needed anything. Sakusa didn’t know how to respond, maybe getting out of his den hadn't been the right choice, but he had and now he was paying the consequences. He shook his head.

He decided to take a breath of air on the balcony.

Outside he had placed a chair, however he opted to stand and lean out over the handrail. In those morning hours you usually breathe a different kind of air, you witness a moment when the sky changes its colors and the lights go out to leave the stage to the new dawn. Sakusa could no longer see these things, so he concentrated on the breeze that blew quietly and carefree and that crept into his lungs, giving him, albeit for some illusory second, the lightness that he had lost, allowing him, albeit with just his mind, to float away carried by the currents. He focused on the sounds of the city: cars that moved frantically and lazy in the streets, voices that came to him muffled, birds that chirped their good morning, leaves that started stretching.

He closed his eyes, after all he no longer needed to keep them open.

At some point he heard the TV being turned off, but not Atsumu’s footsteps, never Atsumu’s footsteps.

That’s why he froze when his voice said  "I’m going to bed. You should too" from his side.

"Five minutes" he lied.

"I don’t believe ya" After that he didn’t say a word and Sakusa understood that he was gone.

So he returned to breathe that fresh air hoping to find the strength to start a new day, in a different way from how he had started all his recent days.

Sakusa had fallen a little behind. It was time to get back on the road, but first he would have to rest, regain his strength, resume eating and drinking regularly, re-enter what had once been a solid routine.

He breathed hoping that, when he exhaled, all those negative images and thoughts would abandon him, leaving him free to fill in the void with better memories.

But when he exhaled nothing happened.

"Five minutes passed ten minutes ago" the voice came from the same direction as before. All this time, Atsumu must have been there with him. Or maybe he had returned to see if Sakusa had kept his word. He couldn’t know.

"Why didn’t you tell me?" Sakusa gave in because he couldn’t bear that burden on his shoulders and stomach much longer.

"What?"

"About your aunt"

"You would have thought I decided to help ya because I felt sorry for ya" Sakusa hated that tone "I don’t feel sorry for ya and I’m not here to comfort you and tell you that everything will be fine because it can’t be fine as long as ya keep behaving like this"

"Besides, Bokkun told me about high school and meteorites and stuff I didn’t really catch and I don’t care about, but I can adapt, Sakusa. I knew how to do it both when I came here and when you yelled at me, I’m not doing anything wrong, right?" He added in that neutral tone, as if he were simply stating facts. As if he had no intention of offending him or of reproaching him for the words he had shouted at him a few days earlier.

"I’m exactly how ya want me to be, aren't I, Sakusa?" He wanted to cry and he didn’t even know why. If that was what Sakusa wanted, then why did his heart plummet into his chest every time Atsumu called him by his last name?

He felt his legs giving in, but he resisted because he had no choice but to resist, because he had to focus on something other than Atsumu, because it hurt, it hurt too much and Sakusa didn't understand the reason.

"You’re not you anymore" his voice cracked at the end of the sentence.

"None of this has anything to do with me"

"What if it has?"

"You’re the one who has the problem and I’ll never be able to fully understand it or understand how ya feel. You  said it, Sakusa. So I'm just helping ya with the things you need until ya can do without my presence" there was no trace of poison in his voice, there was no trace of anything.

"What if I need you?" It came out a little different from what he had formulated in his mind, but he couldn't take it back now.

"Sakusa, I’m here and ya know it"

"I told you to stop. You’re not here. Not the way I want you to be here," that wasn’t exactly what he was going to say.

"You never wanted me here" Sakusa wanted to get angry, but Atsumu’s voice was still completely colorless, just like his world. Sakusa wanted… he had no idea what he wanted.

He brought a hand to his head.

Then he reached toward Atsumu with his arm in order to find out exactly where he was, for a few moments he groped in the void, but then the other stepped forward, letting himself be found.

Sakusa hugged him. He clung to him with all his strength, but this time he wasn’t just doing it to stay on his feet. This time his purpose was to keep Atsumu as close as possible, to keep him from leaving.

But even if the space between them diminished, the distance continued to remain the same, a cold crack of indifference and dryness.

Sakusa was crying, he was sure because Atsumu’s shirt was wet in the spot where he buried his face.

"Sakusa-

"No no no please stop" was all that came out of his mouth, when he said it his lips touched the soft and warm skin of Atsumu’s neck "Please"

Atsumu inhaled. Sakusa felt his whole body tremble when he exhaled.

Then Atsumu lifted his arms and embraced his shoulders, returning the hug, leaning his head on his chest.

Finally Sakusa was able to feel that warmth, that reassuring presence. He was confused and had no idea how to feel, but he knew that suddenly he wanted to go to bed, he was calm, tired, exhausted. He was still crying, but everything was fine. Because Atsumu was there and he was holding him and he wouldn’t let him go.

"All right, let’s go to sleep, okay?" Atsumu whispered to him as he ran his fingers through his hair, on the back of his head, stroking his back.

Sakusa didn’t understand much, but at some point he felt like falling on something soft.

"Good night, Omi-kun" he heard a distant voice. So far away it sounded like a gust of wind.

...

We’re fiiiine

He hugged me

I hugged him back

AAAAAAAAAAAAA

SAMU I CAN’TNANFJ2EWB8ABRQGBVI4

:)

 
Is that all ya got?

 
I’m hungry

I’ll go eat

Bring me some onigiri to celebrate

I wasn’t talking abot that kind of food

Oh

Wait

Ooooh

Wow

Gross

Didn’t need to know that

I’ll go wash my eyes with detergent

Hope ya die

Tell sunarin I say fuck you

;)

…

Days kept passing by, the clock kept ticking.

Sometimes he received visits from his teammates, other days Atsumu had to chase paparazzi from the front door. He often stayed alone at home because the other had to go to practice (but when he returned he never spoke of volleyball unless Sakusa asked him, and even then he answered in a few words).

Sakusa had stopped living for a week before Atsumu’s arrival, and for four days after it.

But little by little he was recovering.

He felt like a child learning to take his first steps, groping in a sea of crazy sounds before being able to pronounce his first words, that slowly discovers all the oddities of his house.

Every once in a while, he banged his feet against the corners of his furniture, he failed to calculate the distances well and found himself hitting the doors, the table, the counter. Sometimes, by reflex, he would turn on the light, but he didn’t realize it, and when he thought about it, he couldn’t remember whether he actually turned it on or whether he should turn it off.

But he was getting better.

He had slowly learned to recover his lost balance, to avoid useless movements when he walked, to adapt to that new presence in his house and to distinguish his toothbrush from Atsumu's who, for some reason, always left it in his same holder.

He spent his free time (which was a lot) listening to music, which was a whole other universe whose doors opened the moment he wore his headphones to ignore his annoying house mate.

There was something special about the vibrations that pervaded his body when he listened to those notes, something supernatural in the way that, thanks to them, Sakusa was able to be in different places.

Every now and then some cheerful note reminded him of a beach, the cracking of the fire of a bonfire, the wind in his hair.

Other times he felt an emptiness in his stomach, one of those you feel on a roller coaster before the fall (Komori had once forced him to get on it).

Sometimes he sensed he could finally breathe. Or a lump in his throat. Or he felt a senseless desire to dance.

Some melancholic notes led him to walk along the gray avenue of his memories, he had the sensation that around him it was freezing cold, the one that can break your bones, but he wasn't able to feel it. He’d close his eyes and feel a weight sinking his claws into his chest.

Some nights he found himself with his face buried in his pillow, holding his hands to his chest as if he were trying to cling to the dust of that little color that had remained stuck between the inlets of his fingers.

During those nights he cried.

...

"The world seems to have become a stranger" he said one day.

Atsumu hummed something and then responded "Well, it’s become someone you can learn to know."

After all, even friends were once stranger.

...

"I miss reading"

"There are audiobooks, Omi-kun" the voice came from the couch.

"I want to learn how to do it"

"If you want it so badly, I can teach you Braille"

"You know that, too?"

"I’m a man full of surprises" he was definitely sporting the smile that he wouldn't miss.

And Sakusa hated surprises, but this one wasn’t that unpleasant.

"Well, Omi-kun, I’ll order some books and, as soon as they arrive, we’ll get to work"

Sakusa nodded and was about to enter his room, but he changed his mind and turned around.

"Can you read something for me?" he struggled to get the words out.

Sakusa sensed a movement and then "And here I was believing ya thought I was illiterate"

"The capability to read doesn’t make you any less stupid"

"Well, sorry, not all of us went to college" he laughed.

"Never mind" he turned around and closed the door behind him.

There was a small library in his room. He passed his fingers on the backs of his books, touching them as if they were the most precious thing he possessed, until he was sure he was holding the one he was looking for in his hands.

He didn’t really know what he wanted to do, maybe just holding something familiar would satisfy him, he had a few doubts about that.

Minutes passed and Sakusa continued to have no idea how to deal with his little treasure so he decided to put it on the nightstand and snuggle under the covers.

An indefinite amount of time later he heard the door open.

"What do ya want me to read?" he asked in a cheerful tone.

"Took you long enough"

"I was arguing with Samu, it’s not my fault I inherited more brain cells than he could ever dream of" Sakusa imagined him shrugging.

"In that case, I’m convinced your brother inherited all the functioning ones" he mocked.

"First ya ask for my help and I, with my great kind soul, decide to please ya and then you dare to say things like that. You offend me, Omi-kun"

"Great kind soul?" he chuckled.

"I swear, Omi this is your last chance to take back what you said"

"Otherwise?"

"Otherwise you can start to download a nice audiobook"

With a last chuckle he pointed to the nightstand. Atsumu took the book and asked him "Is it okay if I sit here on your bed?"

Sakusa thought for a few seconds "Did you take a shower?" He already knew the answer, because he felt the water running in the bathroom for about a quarter of an hour, but he needed to hear it to believe it, like one of those times where you’re not ready to accept a truth until someone starts waving it in front of your face.

"Is it by chance the 'call Atsumu an illiterate oaf' day?"

"I wouldn’t know, I celebrate it every day"

"You're…there are no words to describe you"

"Aw, do I leave you speechless?" he gave him his sweetest smile.

"Shut up. And yes, I took a shower"

Sakusa ignored the sudden and not so subtle change of subject.

Atsumu sat down, Sakusa didn't move or stiffen, he simply decided to sink into the heat of his sheets and close his eyes.

"The Little Prince, huh?"

"Do you think it’s for kids?"

"Some books never get old" he said, opening it and starting to browse through it.

"Wow you said something sensible, what’s going on?"

"Told ya, a man full of surprises" he gave him a kind nudge. Then he started reading:

"At the age of six, I saw a wonderful picture in a book…"

Sakusa thought that his voice wasn't that unpleasant, it was low and sweet and sometimes he tripped over the words, or stopped to read a sentence that he particularly liked or that he had misread, sometimes it became hoarse and Atsumu took a break to drink, but all this just made it more, somehow, adorable.

Sakusa hated himself for thinking a word like "adorable" about a man who was the opposite of it.

But then Atsumu snorted cheerfully when he came to the encounter with the fox , the gentle sound people emit when they are fond of something or someone and they look at it with a soft smile on their face.

As Atsumu went on, Sakusa realized he felt the irrational need to see that smile.

"But the eyes are blind. One must look with the heart" Atsumu read in that precise moment and Sakusa felt his eyes on him.

Ironic.

He continued to let his light tone lull him and almost fell asleep.

"Omi, this book is beautiful. Why didn’t ya tell me about it before?" He announced when he finished.

"You surprise me" he smiled, but Atsumu couldn't see it because his mouth was hidden under the blanket.

"It's also full of pictures" he laughed.

"And here I was believing you might have grown up. You’re a child"

"And what’s wrong about it? Besides, I’d like to remind ya that I’m the one who’s here to read ya the bedtime story while you’re all warm and cozy, so I’d reconsider my position if I were ya. Do you also want a little kiss on the forehead?"

Sakusa stretched an arm to hit him, but it was a slow blow, deprived of any real effort or energy. Atsumu laughed.

Sakusa took advantage of that distraction to whisper "Thank you"

Atsumu stopped and asked "What?"

"Nothing" he hurried to say.

"Aw Omi, you’re so cute when ya blush" he grazed his cheek, but Sakusa rushed down under the blanket.

Atsumu moved quickly and put his lips on his forehead. It was swift enough to pass as a butterfly wing beat, but Sakusa felt himself burning.

"I’ll kill you"

"Maybe later" he said "I’m going to make dinner" and he left.

Leaving Sakusa alone with his frantic beating heart.

...

I KISSED HIM

talented

ON HOS FOREHEAD

brilliant

HE DIDN’T TRY TI KILL ME

incredible

HE DIDN’T EVRN TRY TO THROTTLE MW

amazing

SAMU IM HYPERVENTILATUIN

show-stopping

IF I DIE IT’S YEr fault

spectacular

I HATE YA

never-the-same

FUCK U

totally unique

...

A few days later the books that Atsumu had ordered arrived.

as promised, they immediately got to work.

Sakusa understood that learning Braille was not easy, even after having figured out the order of the dots, it was not easy to distinguish the various letters. He felt like he was passing his fingertips on a randomly planted field, he couldn’t find his way around. Was he touching an N? A Z? A T? None of the three?

At some point Atsumu asked him, "What’s it like? To be blind I mean"

He must have asked because he knew Sakusa was ready to answer.

Going blind is like having an incomplete sentence on a completely blank sheet of paper. You know there’s something beyond those lines of ink, but you can’t see anything. You try so hard to understand how it ends, but it’s impossible. However, it is only thanks to the abrupt interruption of the phrase that you have the opportunity to dwell on the white of the paper.

You’re so curious about the unwritten truth, but the answer is right there, right under your nose. That white void becomes the truth you seek, the sentence simply doesn't end. And you are left to wander in the nothingness that surrounds you, aware that you are destined not to get out.

But this would have been a bit tricky to explain, so he said "It’s like having entered an endless tunnel, you don’t know what to do with the steering wheel"

Atsumu remained silent for a while, then he moved a little on the chair next to his and said "But you’re still on the road, Omi-kun"

"It doesn’t mean anything if I don’t know which way to go" he closed his eyes.

"You’re in the dark, not in a cage"

"I’m lost"

"But you’re free"

Sakusa opened his eyes the same moment Atsumu added "If you don’t know which way to take, choose one at random"

Sakusa was going to respond, but then Atsumu shut him up "That's one of the advantages of the dark, isn’t it? No one sees the stupid things ya do" and he was definitely smiling, not his usual grin, but something more authentic, calm, kind.

In his head Sakusa imagined that Atsumu’s fake smiles were taut and tight lines, the genuine ones were curved and soft lines.

He wanted to touch that smile.

"How can you say I haven’t become totally useless?"

He felt the ghost of a touch on his face, almost as if Atsumu had stretched out an arm to caress him, but changed his mind at the last moment.

"Because there’s still light in yer eyes"

...

That night Sakusa stayed up late to figure out how to read that new alphabet that, from now on, would be his.

But he’d been working hard all day and he was psychologically exhausted.

He let himself sink on the couch where he had spent most of the afternoon, turned on the TV and lowered the volume a bit: on occasions like these he liked to have a background sound to distract him and, at that time, he was too sleepy to get up and take his headphones.

So sleepy that, apparently, he fell asleep.

He felt something shaking him slowly until he was lucid enough to know it was Atsumu’s hands.

"Omi, come on, let’s go to bed" he whispered.

Sakusa wanted to say "no", but all that came out of his mouth was a choked verse.

"Come on, Omi, it’s late"

"Five minutes" he found the strength to mumble.

"All your lies start with five minutes" he said.

Atsumu continued to shake Sakusa without any effect until he surrendered and decided to use another approach.

"Omi-Omi if ya don’t get up I’ll drag you, so move"

"Take me to bed"

"So soon? I thought, I don’t know, going on a date first" he chuckled, but Sakusa wasn’t able to beat or insult him at the time.

Sakusa stretched his arms and Atsumu grabbed him in such a way as to lift him completely from the couch. Sakusa clung to him by circling his waist with his legs and embracing him like a koala. Under normal circumstances he would probably hate or be disgusted just at the thought of having Atsumu’s hands on his butt, but now he could only think of how comfortable he felt, how much heat the other’s body emanated. He could have fallen asleep in that position.

Maybe he did, but he was soon awakened by Atsumu’s voice "You're heavy"

Sakusa laid his head on his shoulder "Mhh, you’re strong enough to carry me" the moment he said it his lips brushed Atsumu’s neck, and Sakusa found himself sinking them into that soft carpet of perfect skin.

"'Tsumu" he whispered without even realizing it.

Atsumu did nothing, said nothing, didn't get stiff and didn't let him fall.

Maybe Sakusa hadn't really said it, maybe it had just been a delusional dream or a slip of his imagination.

But then Atsumu practically squeaked "God, Omi warn a man before attacking him like this"

Sakusa nuzzled the curve of his shoulder, passing his lips on Atsumu’s collarbone. Everything was so warm. He was so sleepy.

When Atsumu finally reached the bed and was about to let Sakusa go, the latter didn’t come off. Atsumu put his hands on his hips and began to push him towards the mattress, but Sakusa resisted. For some reason, the physical contact wasn’t bothering him at all.

It was all because of his sleepiness.

Due to a staggering movement Atsumu stumbled and the two found themselves on the bed. Atsumu had fallen upon him, but, in his halo of dizziness and confusion, Sakusa realized that he had positioned himself so as not to crush him with his weight.

"Who would have thought Sakusa Kiyoomi was so clingy"

Sakusa drew him in "It's just a dream"

Atsumu was smiling, Sakusa didn't need to see him to know.

"Do ya usually hug me like that in all yer dreams?" He whispered as he ran his fingers through his hair, pulled them out of his forehead, placed them behind his ears.

Sakusa didn't answer.

Atsumu was going to get up, but Sakusa moved and held him back. Now they were lying next to each other and Sakusa’s arms surrounded his waist and, when he spoke, he moved his lips on the back of his neck (everything was so similar to that first day together).

"Stay" he said

"Omi-

"In my dreams you usually stay"

Atsumu stiffened, but soon he relaxed and leaned into Sakusa's touch.

They fell asleep.

...

The next morning neither of them said a word about the events of that night.

...

HeE KISSEDM Y NECK SAMU HE KISSED MY NECK I’m bout ti die

then perish

it must have been a dream

SAMU THIS IS SERIUOUSFUHEWFHEAS

LIKE CODE RED

LIKE EMERGENCy

HE KISSED MY FUCKING NECK I SWEAR HIS LIPS TOUCHED MY SKJINCSSJDJDJKD

omg that has to be a marriage proposal

KNOWIFN HIM IT MIGHT AS WELL BE

sumu

stop being horny

...

Gradually Sakusa was learning to let himself loosen up a bit. He even managed to get out of his house. Atsumu had accompanied him and, as Sakusa didn't have a walking stick, he held his hand (Sakusa made sure it was clean, obviously). They weren't really walking hand in hand, but they had their pinkies intertwined and Sakusa clung to that contact like a castaway desperately looks for an object to anchor to. That warm spot between them was the only thing that allowed him to "see" what was in front of him, to follow a direction.

They had been walking for a while, they had bought something to eat and they had sat in a park. The air was calm. Sakusa breathed it greedily. He hadn’t been out of the house for weeks, and now, finally, he didn't feel that burden on his lungs, that taste of closed, of narrow.

It was good for him.

Atsumu told him that in that green corner they were alone, so Sakusa decided to get up and take a walk alone and everything went well until he almost hit a tree. He stopped to touch its bark, pass his fingers between the wood inlets. He felt like in the presence of a secular creature, an old man with wrinkles made of experience, wisdom, who watched over him.

Then Atsumu grazed his shoulder and told him it was time to go home because he had to go to practice.

Sakusa told him he wanted to go with him.

Atsumu didn't say no.

Once they arrived at the gym, Sakusa no longer knew if it was a good idea or a crazy idea. On the one hand it was bad because going to the place where his shattered dreams resided and forever will stay is masochistic, on the other it could prove a way to get closure, to say his farewell to the future that he'd expected to have.

Sakusa hated when plans went up in smoke. He hated to interrupt himself before he got to the end of what he had started. He always trained consistently and took care of himself, but it wasn’t enough. It would never be enough because you can’t predict an accident. But a while ago, his high school team's captain pointed something out to him: bad things happen, it hurts, it hurts so bad, but this is not a good reason to stop moving forward. There will come a time when you will not have power over your life, there are things that cannot be kept under control. Does that mean you have to give up?

Sakusa had been on the verge of doing so. He hadn't liked feeling so helpless. He'd thought it was all over and that he couldn’t reach the finish line.

Having Atsumu by his side had been very important: Sakusa had always been afraid to stop, Atsumu simply didn't want to stop. His life was a constant, stubborn moving forward and he wouldn't have waited for anyone. For him there were no finish lines, only new beginnings.

Maybe it was time for Sakusa to have his new beginning.

...

The next day, ironically, Iizuna Tsukasa phoned him.

He apologized for disturbing him, for not having called earlier (he said he had recently learned of the news).

But after that Iizuna didn’t get lost in small talk.

"I just want to know one thing"

"Mh"

"Say, Sakusa, are you satisfied?"

Sakusa thought about it for a while. If Iizuna had referred to his life in general, Sakusa would have said no, at least not yet, he had so many things to do to fully adapt to that new reality that was now his normality, so many things to work on, so many things to discover about himself.

But Iizuna was referring to how he felt about volleyball.

Was he satisfied? How did he feel after visiting the gym? After talking to his teammates, his friends? How was his last game?

He took a breath.

"Yes, Iizuna-san, I am"

"Good" he said.

And he hung up.

...
One of the many things he needed to understand was that ridiculously complex stuff called feelings. They weren't subject to any law and liked to have their own incomprehensible rules. His numbers never stood a chance against feelings.

Sakusa never stood a chance against his heart.

But he knew that most of the times, when the walls fall, hearts end up breaking, hands are let go of, lips become cold.

He didn't know if he was ready for more pain.

But he knew that Atsumu couldn't stay forever.

It was obvious that there was something between them, but how to define this something was an enigma without solution and, the more Sakusa tried to solve it, the more the answer escaped like water from his hands.

He wanted to think about it and at the same time he wanted to postpone any doubts to the next day, month, year.

Sakusa didn’t think it was possible to postpone feelings. It had to be one of those mysterious, unwritten rules that they follow. You can’t get rid of them. You can push them as deep as you want, you can tie them to a rock and let them sink, but that doesn’t eliminate them, on the contrary, it keeps them, somewhere in the ocean of your heart. And the deeper they are, the harder it is to retrieve them and let them go.

Feelings were not easy.

Contrary to numbers, they spoke no understandable language.

Sakusa was doomed.

...

Summer was coming and the sky began to clear, or so Atsumu had told him, before telling him that they were going stargazing that night.

"I mean, I know ya can’t see 'em, but, ya know, the night sky has something special and you’ll feel it" he'd said.

Sakusa hadn't opened his mouth so, basically, he had agreed.

And here they were in the car. Atsumu, of course, had taken the opportunity to play his slow songs playlist, to match the evening mood. They weren't bad, in some of them he heard a violin or a piano and had a quite hopeful vibration.

It was the kind of music Sakusa would listen to under a sky full of stars.

They arrived at a clearing, the air was clean, fresh, Sakusa inhaled deeply. They must be far enough away from the city by now.

Atsumu sat on the ground, Sakusa sat next to him, but his back was bent and he felt a strong need to lie down. However, he didn’t want his freshly washed hair to touch the ground.

He asked Atsumu if he had brought a blanket, but he invited him to lean on him.

He put his head between his crossed legs.

His skin was, as always, warm.

Sakusa looked up. Atsumu was right. There was something incredible about the magnificence of the night sky. It gives you an emptiness in the stomach, it makes you feel light beyond all limits, you can’t explain anything anymore, but you know you’re close to infinity.

He smiled.

"See?" Atsumu asked.

"No" he heard the other laugh at his stupid joke.

It was a soft sound, one you could listen to forever without getting tired.

"The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, they are felt with the heart" Atsumu whispered.

"Are you really quoting The Little Prince right now? Right in front of me?"

"Yeah, what’s wrong with that?"

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing. It just makes me want to-

Kiss you.

"To what?"

"Play some of your depressing music" he said to change the subject.

Atsumu pretended not to notice and obeyed.

The first song was about adversities, about how sometimes it was hard to breathe and you felt the need to give up. But in those dark moments when you feel like you’ve lost your wings, someone will come to carry you because you’re not alone.

Sakusa felt as if Atsumu had put it on purpose. But he didn’t say anything.

The second song was about a king who lost his crown and at some point it said Have you gone blind?

"Ironic"

Atsumu laughed.

The third was about falling walls and hearts breaking and sparks fading.

During this song it started raining.

"Is it raining?" He asked for confirmation.

"No"

"I think I felt a drop"

"It’s not raining"

Sakusa believed him, but he was sure he hadn't imagined the drop that had come straight to his face, next to his eye. He waited a little longer to see if the rain was coming but, in fact, he didn’t seem to feel that earthy smell that usually accompanies it along with thunder and lightning.

"You’re crying" he said finally. It didn’t sound like a question.

"Yeah"

"Why are you crying?"

"Because the stars make me think" but he didn’t continue.

"Let's thank the stars then" he joked because he didn't know how to deal with the situation.

Atsumu hit his head.

The song ended. But just in that moment that comes between the end of one song and the beginning of the other, you can hear your heart more clearly. And Sakusa’s was telling him something crazy.

"They make me think of all the things I want-

He was interrupted when Sakusa reached out a hand to dry his tears.

"All the things I can't have" he concluded.

And the fourth song began with a faint piano sound.

I can feel your heart hanging in the air

It was about a hurricane, a world that spins around you and leaves you hopeless. It was a song about the desire for closeness, but it was full of uncertainties and mixed emotions.

Though I am breaking down again

I am aching now to let you in

Sakusa felt an abyss in my stomach. Is this what devastation feels like?

"This song makes me want to cry" he said.

Atsumu caressed his face.

And then the volume lowered, and all he could listen to was that feeble piano sound. It was one of those moments that takes your breath away, your throat closes, your heart misses a beat.

"This song makes me want to kiss you" he whispered shortly before the music started again with a greater intensity than before.

Atsumu kissed him.

Sakusa immediately leaned into his lips.

Was it really happening?

Yes yes yes yes yes yes

That kiss was all the things Sakusa would never be able to explain. It was the sweetest of deaths, an opening chasm in your stomach when you're under a starry sky, running under the unforgiving raindrops that crash on your skin like knives of water. It was like the smell of a beautiful memory, like reaching out to the unknown, like the weightlessness you can only experience at night.

And Sakusa never wanted it to end.

...

SAAAAAAAAAAMU

SAY goodBYE TO MOM AND DAD CAuse I’M OFficialLY DEAd

DEEEEEEAD

LIKE I’M IN PARADISE

hell*

ya don’t deserve paradise
...

They were on Sakusa’s bed and they were kissing.

"Is this okay?" Sakusa asked with his lips on Atsumu’s neck.

"Feel free to go ahead" he caressed his head.

He had no intention of making him repeat himself.

That day Sakusa had decided that he was ready. He was ready to dive to scout the depths that he had long ignored. He was ready to explore the curves and bumps, gentle dunes and sharp corners of Atsumu’s body.

For now he had limited himself to memorizing the shape of his hands, he had passed his fingers between his, had crossed the lines of his palms, had kissed his knuckles and every fingertip.

Atsumu tasted of vanilla and, Sakusa was discovering right at that moment, in the hollow of his neck that smell was more intense, intoxicating. He rubbed is nose against that soft skin and felt the other inhale loudly. He smiled.

As much as he would have liked to remain in that position forever he was too curious, greedy, to continue his journey.

He slowly swiped his fingers under the hem of his T-shirt until he reached his hips.

"Mhh" Sakusa felt Atsumu’s throat vibrate under his mouth. A shiver traversed his back and made his every hair stand on end.

He felt the other’s chest rise and lower faster than normal under him. He liked to be the cause of Atsumu's heavy breathing. As he proceeded unhurriedly, he helped him take off his shirt, getting rid of one of those two layers between them (since Sakusa still had his shirt on).

He moved his hand on his abs. He had wanted to do that for a lot longer than he liked to admit. The way Atsumu’s muscles responded to his touch made him feel drunk and high. Sakusa had taken flight and he never wanted to land again, he wanted to feel that weightlessness forever.

He kissed his chest and the skin around his nipples and his navel. He shoved his fingers under the edge of his shorts, but he didn’t take them off, he just wanted to know how he would react.

"Mhh Omi ahh"

Oh.

Sakusa could have listened to that sound endlessly.

The next stop was Atsumu’s thighs. Sakusa had tortured himself leaving them for last. He needed to know what sensations and sounds his hands and lips could elicit from them. He grabbed them.

He began to stroke them gently, he was taking his sweet time memorizing every millimeter, traveling slowly, without any hurry, he could spend a lifetime just trying to discover their secrets. He drew circles and traced broken and curved lines and sank his fingernails between those muscles that shifted in every single spot where Sakusa liked to linger.

Atsumu’s hips twitched upwards.

Sakusa had never wanted anything more than this. He began to drag his lips on his perfect skin and, when he reached the softest spot of the inner thigh, he passed his tongue over it, sank his teeth in, sucked on the flesh. He repeated the procedure on the other side and then again. Again. Again.

"'Tsumu, you have no idea" his voice sounded hoarse and eager.

"No, Omi, you have no idea" his voice sounded the same.

Sakusa continued to work on his thighs and to listen to Atsumu’s choked moans, his name coming out of his mouth, he seemed desperate. Sakusa understood.

"You have hypersensitive skin" he said shortly before biting down once more.

"Yes" he groaned  "And mhh…maybe ya don’t realize it but… ngh some of us poor people… ahhh get a little excited"

"Who would have thought" he smiled, still thinking about his new discovery.

"I’ll make ya… mhh pay for this"

"I’d like to see you try" he caressed his legs.

"Lemme show ya" he suddenly got up and grabbed his shoulders and in an agile movement he slammed him against the mattress.

"I'll make ya pay for every second"

First he kissed his lips and Sakusa let his tongue ravage his mouth. Atsumu put his hands on his cheeks and, as they continued their fiery dance he made them descend on his neck, his shoulders.
He moved them slowly along the entire length of his arms, until he reached his wrists, gently rubbed his thumbs over them, he stopped for a while on his radial artery and listened to the surely frantic beat of his heart. Then he grabbed his wrists and placed them on either side of Sakusa’s head, kissed them one by one. Just below the right one there was a mole, Atsumu kissed it, and the constellation on the forearm and the two on the triceps.

Sakusa lost his breath.

Atsumu didn't stop. He continued to kiss the moles on his shoulder, those on his neck, on the other shoulder.

He got rid of Sakusa's shirt, but when he did he stopped for a moment to admire the view because he said "Omi-kun get comfortable, it will be a loooong night"

He leaned down to brush his lips on the skin of his chest, but then changed his mind and moved toward the thighs. Oh.

Oh.

Was that how he had felt? Was this the famous paradise people talked about? Sakusa didn’t think he deserved it.

"Ahh Sumu" this time it was his body's turn to tremble and twitch upward.

When Atsumu decided he’d devastated him enough, he went back to his chest.

"God, Omi, I don’t know where to start" he seemed to be running his tongue on his lips "And you, I like the way ya look"

"How do I look?" He asked, imagining himself completely undone.

"Yer face is all red" he kissed his cheek, let his lips wander to his left ear and whispered so close that  his head started spinning "The tips of your ears are too "

"Also" he placed his index finger on his Adam’s apple "Yer neck" Sakusa saw (metaphorically) the stars. He swallowed and Atsumu’s finger followed the movement.

Finally, God, finally, he moved on his chest, kissed every single mole, Sakusa was sure of it, he passed his tongue between the lines marked by his muscles and bit down here and there.

"And yer skin, Kiyoomi, is so delicate that it turns red wherever I touch ya, so I always know where to touch"

Sakusa was free falling.

Or maybe he was ascending to the highest part of the sky.

Atsumu was the only thing he was sure of.

...

They were still on that bed, hugging each other.

"'Tsumu" Sakusa's face was entirely buried in his soft locks.

"Mh"

"Sometimes I’m afraid I don’t remember the color of your hair, or your eyes' shade of brown, or the curve of your smile. I miss them. I miss you"

Atsumu grabbed his cheeks and brought him face to face with him.

"Listen Omi, do ya need to see me to know I’m here?"

"No" he answered without hesitation.

"Isn’t that the point? Ya know I’m here and ya trust me enough to know that I’m not going away"

He made it sound so easy.

But maybe it really was.

Maybe it had everything to do with trust, with knowing that the other would be there.

There could be so many things, so many places.

It could be the curve of someone's lips, their mouth on your skin, their pinky intertwining with yours.

It could be miles away, a desperate longing, a breath of hope carried by a gust of wind.

It could be one step away from you, a burning heart watching from so close and yet so far, but always ready to catch you before you fall.

There could be so many things.

For Sakusa Kiyoomi there was an unmade cozy bed, The Little Prince in precarious balance on his nightstand, a sad song that reminded him of happy moments.

It was a dark world in which someone, in their own way, brought warmth.