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“You can’t leave. We’re having a girl’s night!” The Doctor whined, chasing after a petite woman with long blonde hair.
“Doctor, the message you sent said it was an emergency,” Romana huffed. “‘Girl’s night’ is not an emergency.”
“That’s not entirely her fault, actually. I was the one who wrote the message,” River admitted, not sounding at all apologetic.
Romana spun to face the other woman.
“I’m sorry for the deception, Lady President, but I knew you wouldn’t turn up otherwise,” River continued with a smirk, sounding even less sorry than before.
“Yes, well. Some of us actually have some modicum of responsibility, so -”
Romana moved for the doors again, but found her way barred by the Doctor.
“Pleeeease, Romana? Just for a little while,” the Doctor pleaded. This incarnation really had the puppy dog eyes down.
Romana sighed. She never could say no to the Doctor.
“Fine,” she relented. “But I can’t stay long. I have -”
“- responsibilities,” the Doctor and River chimed simultaneously.
Romana glared back at both of them.
“C’mon, Romana. You don’t mind if I call you Romana, do you? It’s just that Lady President feels so formal,” River beamed, taking the Time Lady by the arm. “I think we need to find you something else to wear for the evening. Not that you’re not lovely, dear, but Time Lord ceremonial robes are, I think you will agree, the worst.”
“Definitely the worst,” the Doctor agreed.
Romana arched one eyebrow in the direction of the Doctor’s shirt-over-another-shirt-under-braces combo. The Doctor didn’t notice.
“I don’t wear them because I like them,” she countered. “As President, I’m expected to uphold the traditions of the Time Lords -”
“Tradition’s just an excuse to keep everything the same,” the Doctor grumbled. “The Time Lords will never change.”
“They certainly won’t if everyone who can make changes just runs away -” Romana started hotly.
“Not really one for tradition myself,” River cut in smoothly. “But if my sources are correct, Romana’s quite the progressive, actually.”
Romana looked slightly appeased, while the Doctor shifted her feet a bit guiltily.
“Anyway, you don’t need to be the fearless upholder of Gallifrey’s traditions right now,” River continued. She leaned in towards Romana conspiratorially. “It’s just us girls here. We won’t tell anyone if you want to call Rassilon a wanker.”
The Doctor choked on air, but the corner of Romana’s mouth twitched into a smile.
Almost as soon as River and Romana disappeared into the depths of the TARDIS, the crackle of a vortex manipulator announced a new arrival.
“Never fear, everyone! I have arrived! Now the party can begin,” Missy announced grandly to the console room.
Looking around and spotting only the Doctor, she continued dryly, “When you said “girl’s night” Doctor, I did expect you to have expanded the invitation pool beyond the two of us.”
“You’re not the only one here, Missy.”
“Ah, but I am the only one who matters. It’s a difficult burden to bear, always being the most important, the most beautiful, the most intelligent person in the room. But I do it with such style.”
She twirled in place with flourish to emphasize the aforementioned style.
“So who else is here?” She wrinkled her nose in disgust. “You didn’t invite any of your little pets, did you?”
“They’re my friends, Missy. Not my pets,” the Doctor admonished. “But no. No humans. You can’t be trusted with less...durable playmates.”
“I can’t be trusted at all. That’s like, my whole deal,” Missy answered.
“Quite,” snarked a voice from the other side of the room.
Missy spun to greet the newcomers. If she was surprised to see them, she didn’t show it.
“Lady President, what an honor,” Missy curtsied dramatically at Romana, who rolled her eyes. She turned to River. “And the half-breed,” she acknowledged with a too-sweet smile.
Then, almost too quickly to see, she drew a knife from up her sleeve and sent it flying through the air, straight at River’s face.
River ducked and rolled. The knife sailed above her head and embedded itself in the wall behind her. (The TARDIS dinged angrily.)
River got to her feet with a wide grin on her face.
“Always a pleasure, Missy.”
“Do you two have to do this every time?” the Doctor huffed in annoyance.
“Yes,” they chorused back.
Eyeing Missy warily, Romana edged around the console to stand next to the Doctor.
“So, Doctor. Where are we going for this...girl’s night?” Romana said the words like they pained her.
“It’s a surprise!” the Doctor beamed as she began racing around the console, pushing buttons and flipping switches.
River rolled her eyes.
“Sweetie, you’ve got a TARDIS full of the most intelligent Time Ladies in this half of the galaxy. We’re going to figure it out.”
She stepped towards the monitor to check the space-time coordinates, but the Doctor quickly flipped the screen off.
“She’s taking us to Bacchus V,” Romana said. She’d watched the Doctor input the coordinates.
“In the 53rd century,” Missy added.
“Oooh, for the 5000th anniversary festival?” River chimed.
“Obviously,” Missy agreed.
“You’re no fun, any of you,” the Doctor grumbled.
The TARDIS materialized (somewhat surprisingly) as expected on Bacchus V. Everyone piled out of the ship and into… a deserted, rather dingy underground corridor.
“Seems like quite the party,” Romana said dryly.
“C’mon fam, this way!” the Doctor charged up the corridor excitedly.
Behind her, Romana mouthed “Fam?”
They could hear the faintest sounds of the festival up above as they followed the gently sloping corridor. It was a narrow passageway, forcing them to walk two by two. Missy quickly squeezed her way up next to the Doctor, leaving Romana and River to trail behind them.
“So, do you get off world much?” River asked. Her too-casual tone and the smile that danced at the corner of her lips implied she already knew the answer.
“A bit,” Romana hedged. “Not as much as some.”
She looked pointedly at River.
“Oh, I do get around,” River answered with a wink.
“Yes, I’ve heard you’ve taken to “getting around” while using MY name.”
“Leela told you about that, did she?”
“Leela tells me everything,” Romana frowned. “And I know you’re not strictly under the jurisdiction of Gallifrey, but you really can’t go around claiming to be me, especially not in potentially delicate diplomatic situations.”
“Oh Romana, they know I’m not really you after I dispatch the guards,” River said cheerfully.
Romana grimaced.
“Please tell me you’re not going around killing people in my name.”
“Of course I don’t kill them,” River scoffed. A wide, teasing grin split across her face. “I kiss them.”
Romana gave her such a withering look River almost believed she’d rather those guards were dead.
Ahead of them, the Doctor stumbled a bit and grabbed Missy to steady herself. The other Time Lady grimaced in distaste, but didn’t shake her off.
“How is it that every one of your regenerations has the grace of a three-legged elephant?” Missy grumbled.
“That’s not true,” the Doctor protested.
“Is so.”
“Is not!”
“Is so!”
“No, I’m sure at least one or two of them must have been - hey, wait a minute! I’ve just realized…” the Doctor grinned at Missy. “Even in this body, I’m still taller than you.”
Missy gasped. “You are not! It’s the boots.”
“You’re wearing boots too!”
“What’s that got to do with anything?”
“Wh- what d’you mean, what’s that got to do with -”
“Doctor, couldn’t you have parked a little closer?” Romana called up to the other woman. They’d been walking for several minutes.
“Ah, well. Could have done, I suppose. But y’know, half the fun’s in the journey, an’ all that…”
“She means we have to sneak in,” Missy translated helpfully.
“Oh Doctor, you do know what I like,” River smirked.
The faint sound of music and laughter had been growing steadily louder, so they had to be close. Finally, the sloping corridor curved and then opened up into a much wider chamber, which was full of…well, they certainly weren’t partygoers.
Inside the chamber was a whole fleet of Sontarans.
River and Missy’s eyes lit up with mischievous energy. The Doctor’s gaze darted nervously between them, like she didn’t know who she should be worried about more. Romana just looked resigned.
“Ooh, look. We’re not the only ones having a little girl’s night out,” Missy said.
“Hello, hello! Out for a hen do, are we?” River chimed in after her.
The battalion leader’s wrinkly face got a little more wrinkled. If potatoes could emote, this one might look confused.
“I am Commander Linx of the 43rd battalion. I do not recognize this ‘hen do’ of which you speak.”
Ever eager to share her knowledge, the Doctor jumped in.
“It’s a party! A celebration! You go out with your friends and - well, I don’t know exactly what one does on a hen do, actually -”
Unnoticed by the Doctor, the other three Time Ladies simultaneously rolled their eyes.
“- but the point is, you have friends and you have fun!”
The Doctor beamed at her very satisfactory description.
The Sontaran Commander frowned.
“Neither ‘friends’ nor ‘fun’ can be used for the glory of the Sontaran empire. What is the strategic advantage of this ‘hen do’?”
“Er, that’s not really -” the Doctor started, but Missy jumped in.
“No advantage whatsoever. Completely frivolous. Could even be a disadvantage actually, depending on how many margaritas get consumed -”
Sontarans don’t know what a margarita is, but they do understand the concept of a tactical disadvantage. They definitely looked more angry than confused now.
“- how many heels broken, how many karaoke songs butchered, how many -”
“Missy, you’re not helping,” Romana hissed.
“I knoooow,” Missy sang back with a smirk. “Look at how positively murderous Linx-y boy here is looking.”
Linx muttered briefly to the soldier next to him before turning back to the Time Ladies.
“You have insinuated that the 43rd Battalion represents a tactical disadvantage with this ‘hen do.’ This is an affront to our honor that cannot be ignored. You have been declared enemies of Sontar. The punishment is death.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Missy muttered at the same time River said, “Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Linx pointed his stazer at the women, prompting the first row of the fleet to follow suit. The Doctor whipped out her sonic. It buzzed half a second before Linx shouted “Fire!” The Sontarans’ weapons clicked emptily as the Doctor shouted, “Run!”
The four of them scrambled back into the corridor.
“Why is it always like this with you?” Romana panted at the Doctor.
“Just lucky, I guess!”
“We need another way out,” River said. “The pulse from your sonic will have only taken out the weapons in the front half of the fleet. They’ll need a minute to reorganize, but -”
“They’ll catch up to us before we can get all the way back to the TARDIS, yeah,” the Doctor finished.
“Tell me again why you thought parking this far away was a good idea?” Romana grumbled.
“Aw, come on Romana, you used to like the running!”
“No, I didn’t!”
“Sure you did -”
“If you two don’t shut up I’m going to kill you long before any potatoes get the chance,” Missy snapped.
“Doctor, is there another way out of here?” River asked.
“There’s a sub-basement entrance. Which should be...just...up...here,” the Doctor answered, sounding a bit smug as she flung out her arms to stop the group from running on.
“She only knew that because she tripped over the edge of the grate earlier,” Missy rolled her eyes.
“Hey, stop ruining my cool!” The Doctor protested as she dropped to her knees to start sonicing open the grate.
“Doctor,” Missy said, her voice serious. “As your oldest, bestest friend -” she paused to shoot a pointed look at the other two women “- I need you to know.” She paused dramatically. “You have never been cool.”
Romana let out a little snort of laughter as the Doctor spluttered in protest.
“I - what d’you mean, never been - I’m cool! I’ve always been cool! River, tell Missy I’m cool!”
“Of course you are, sweetie,” River said appeasingly.
A stazer blast ricocheted off the wall next to them and echoed down the corridor.
“I think it would be very cool for us all to get out of this corridor now,” Romana said.
The sonic whirred one last time and the grate popped open. The Time Ladies dropped down into the lower room and replaced the grate above them. Moments later, the heavy sound of Sontaran footsteps pounded overhead.
Oddly, instead of an even dingier lower basement, they had dropped down into a pristine-looking high-tech laboratory.
And it was occupied.
“Who are you and what are you doing here?” a dark haired woman asked, quickly unholstering a weapon and pointing it at the four interlopers suspiciously.
“I think we’ll be the ones asking the questions,” River said, and she suddenly had a stazer of her own trained on the other woman.
“Wh - where in Rassilon’s name did you pull that from?” Romana asked incredulously.
“If you say “spoilers,” I really will end you now, half-breed,” Missy warned.
Her words drew the attention of the scientist, who stared intently at Missy for a moment before flicking her eyes to the Doctor. Then -
“Oh no. Seriously? Not you two.”
She lowered her weapon, but didn’t reholster it.
“Hello again!” the Doctor grinned widely.
“Admit it. You missed me, Rani,” Missy purred.
The Rani did not at all look like this was true.
“My mistake,” River said cheerfully. “I didn’t realize you were another old friend.” She lowered the stazer down to her side.
“What are you doing here?” the Rani asked suspiciously.
“It’s girl’s night!” the Doctor answered excitedly.
The Rani stared blankly back at her.
“We’re supposed to be going to the festival on the upper level,” supplied Romana.
“Ah. Well. Go on, then,” the Rani said, gesturing expectantly to the door on one side of the room.
“What are you doing here?” the Doctor asked her instead, a bit too casually. “There’s a whole fleet of Sontarans right above you, you know.”
“Of course there is. Who do you think brought them here?” the Rani snorted. “You really think Sontarans just hang around on a leisure planet?”
The Doctor’s eyes narrowed.
“Why did you bring Sontarans here?”
“They’re good at rounding up test subjects,” the Rani shrugged.
“That’s the precision of a clone army for you,” River agreed as the Doctor frowned at them both.
“Why would you deal with all the whining and moaning of rounding them up when you could just kill them?” Missy asked in a bored voice, inspecting her nails.
“Missy!” the Doctor exclaimed.
“Because if they’re dead, I can’t continue my experiments?” the Rani answered, speaking slowly like she was trying to get someone very stupid to understand. She continued under her breath “...not these experiments, anyways.”
“Why don’t you take a break from your experiments and join us?” the Doctor offered. “Girl’s night!” she cheered again when the Rani looked at her rather like she’d grown a second head at the suggestion.
“Uh, no. I’m not getting involved in...” - the Rani gestured vaguely at the group - “whatever this is.”
“Are you suuuure?” Missy sang, drawing out the single syllable obnoxiously.
“Positive,” the woman deadpanned.
“Ah, well, we’ll just be going then!”
As the Doctor ushered her other friends out of the room and (hopefully) towards the party they were actually meant to attend, she muttered, “Remind me to get the Sontarans off-world before we leave.”
“...Maybe next time?” she called back loudly to the Rani, not expecting an answer.
“Next time,” the Rani muttered to herself, “I’ll remember to deadlock seal the ventilation shaft.”