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“So how did you know you didn’t like girls?”
The question startles Alex, not just because it’s Kyle who asks it, but because he’s barely three beers in and certainly not drunk enough to be having this conversation with his straight best friend.
“What?”
Is the most eloquent reply he can manage.
“How did you know?”
Kyle repeats, gesturing towards Alex with his bottle, also his third, Alex notes.
“Like you knew you liked boys - obviously, but what was the deciding factor in the ‘not liking girls thing?’”
Alex squints at him, wondering where this line of questioning has come from, they’d just been talking about alien chromosomes for Christ’s sake.
Kyle looks at him impatiently, sighing dramatically. Alex narrows his eyes.
“You know I’ve never been asked that question by a straight guy right?”
He takes a sip of his beer, silently relishing in the way Kyle’s cheeks redden a little at his comment.
“Fine be like that, avoid the question, see if I care”
Kyle huffs, slumping back in their booth, crossing his arms over his chest and staring petulantly off into the distance.
“Hey I never said I wouldn’t answer” Alex laughs, kicking him under the table.
The answer makes Kyle grin, his teeth glinting in the low lighting of the bar they’re in, miles from the Wold Pony.
“I kissed a girl”
Alex says, as if it’s as simple as that.
“And then I kissed more, and I never liked it. Not ever”
“Not ever?”
“Ever” Alex confirms, his heart sinking as certain memories push to the front of his head.
As if Kyle can sense his mood change he leans forward, looking into Alex’s eyes and rubbing his hand along his forearm.
“I didn’t mean to upset you, I’m sorry”.
Alex looks him in the eye, still aware of Kyle’s hand on his arm.
“Why’d you want to know?”
At this Kyle backs down, his eyes falling from Alex’s, dancing down his face and it could be his imagination but Alex swears that, just for a moment, Kyle’s eyes rest on his lips, before they drop to stare at the table.
“Was just wondering”
He mumbles, evasively.
Alex grins at him, clinking their bottles together over the table, “Now who’s avoiding the question?”.
Kyle glares at him, his hand squeezing Alex’s arm before he lets go, Alex finds he inexplicably misses the warmth.
He raises an eyebrow at Kyle, fully prepared to tease him now.
“How do you know you don’t like guys?”
He tries to keep his tone innocent but as he finishes the question he bursts into giggles, that only worsen when Kyle gapes at him, cheeks burning in the dim lights.
Alex struggles to stop laughing, holding his free hand to his chest as he catches his breath.
“I’m sorry man but you had that coming” He grins, taking another sip.
When Kyle stays silent Alex looks up at him questioningly, the smile falling from his face. Kyle’s staring at the table again, picking at the label of his beer bottle as he avoided Alex’s gaze.
“Kyle?”
Alex shuffles forwards, leaning his arms on the table, wincing slightly when he feels the stickiness against his skin.
Kyle swallows, Alex pretends not to watch the movement.
“Kyle, you can talk to me, you know that right?”
He mimics Kyle’s earlier gesture and reaches out, squeezing Kyle’s arm briefly before dropping it back to the table.
They sit in silence for what feels like an hour but can really only be 5 minutes, Alex doesn’t touch his bottle, eyes fixed on Kyle’s face.
Eventually Alex sighs, relenting.
“I didn’t have to kiss a girl to know I wasn’t attracted to them”
Kyle’s hands still on the bottle, his eyes glance up at Alex for only a second before his gaze lands back on the table.
Alex continues, unperturbed.
“I knew I didn’t like them before that, I thought maybe if I kissed one, or a few even, then that would change, that I would change... but I didn’t”.
Alex swallows, a nervous reflex. Kyle remains quiet.
“Okay yeah, don’t mind me, just bearing my soul for you he-“
“I think I might like guys”
Alex stops. Kyle sighs.
“It’s stupid”, Kyle continues.
“Because I’m almost thirty and I’ve been to college, I’ve passed the ‘experimental stage’ and I didn’t do it because it didn’t interest me”
Alex watches him and shuffles around the table so their thighs are pressed together, hoping the heat and touch will comfort Kyle.
Kyle glances down to where their thighs are touching and shoots Alex a quick smile, before he continues rambling.
“And then I start hanging around Planet 7 and guys start hitting on me and I think, I can’t possibly, because, I never have right? That’s not who I am”
Kyle stops, taking a breath.
“And then there’s you-“
Kyle says the word ‘you’ like it physically pains him, but Alex is confused now, what has this got to do with him?
Kyle has fallen quiet again, his eyes now fixed on a point over Alex’s shoulder. Alex takes pity on him.
“Do you want to kiss a guy?”
He watches Kyle’s face when he asks so he’s certain he’s not imagining it this time when Kyle’s eyes flick to his lips.
“I don’t want to experiment, I don’t want to have to - I just want to know”.
Kyle looks at him, holding eye contact.
Alex pauses, a horrifying thought coming to him.
“Wait - do you like Max?”
Kyle’s eyes widen, and where he was halfway through taking a sip of his beer he almost drops the bottle, spraying a mouthful across the table.
Alex has to laugh at the look of complete disbelief on his face.
“Max??” Kyle sounds appalled.
Alex smirks, “Guerin then?”
Kyle laughs, “Not even if he was the last man on Earth”.
Alex smiles at that, bumping his elbow against Kyle’s.
“It’s okay not to know, you know? It’s okay to be confused”.
Kyle groans, frustration evident in his voice when he next speaks.
“No it’s not - not for me”
“Why not?”
“Because!”
“Because what?”
“Because of you!”
Kyle looks shocked as he says it, almost as if he weren’t intending on letting the words out. Alex has no idea why, he’s even more confused now than he was earlier.
When he speaks next he keeps his voice soft, and puts his hand on Kyle’s knee under the table, resting it there.
“What about me, Kyle?”
Kyle avoids his eyes, taking a swig from his bottle - liquid courage, Alex presumes.
“I spent years tormenting you Alex”.
Alex is shaking his head before Kyle can even finish the sentence.
“Kyle we’ve been through this-“
Kyle interrupts, “No let me finish”.
Alex nods, silent.
“Four years, Alex. When I should have been there for you, I should have had your back against people who bullied you and instead I bullied you”
He takes a deep breath,
“And now I’m the one sat here telling you that I might be Bi or Pan or something and I don’t have that right”.
He puts his hand over Alex’s on his knee.
“I don’t have the right to tell you this but I’m saying it anyway...”
He threads their fingers together.
“Because I don’t want to kiss a guy Alex”
There’s a pregnant pause, Alex holds his breath, watching unshed tears shine in Kyle’s eyes.
“I don’t want to kiss just any guy - I want to kiss you”.
And Alex... well he’d be lying if he said it had never crossed his mind - kissing Kyle.
Back when he was thirteen, and things started getting confusing and the only person he could turn to had started to pull away.
Then again, almost two years ago, when Kyle first started trying to make it up to him, trying to be his friend again.
And now?
Now they spent weekends together, huddled over files and computers, they had each other’s coffee orders memorised, they knew each others shifts and routines; where they’d be and when.
He’s not sure how he hadn’t noticed this. How he hasn’t seen that the person he’s grown closest to was feeling this way.
He’s shaken out of his reverie when Kyle thumps his forehead against the table-top.
He mumbles something ineligible, Alex can’t make it out since Kyle’s face is all but pressed directly against the table.
“What was that?”
Alex squeezes Kyle’s knee, trying to get him to look up.
Kyle sighs when he sits up, his hair is squashed against his forehead slightly, and Alex doesn’t fight the urge to reach out and gently brush the strands back.
Kyle lets him, his eyes soft and vulnerable. Alex is aware suddenly of the fact their hands are still linked under the table. He doesn’t let go.
“I said thank you” Kyle tells him.
Alex huffs our a laugh, “What for?”
“Listening! And - and telling me all that when you didn’t have to, I never wanted to make you uncomfortable or hurt you so I’m sorry-“
“Kyle”.
He quiets when Alex speaks, his eyes not leaving his face. Alex smiles.
“You really need to stop apologising”
Kyle squints at him, his fingers tightening around Alex’s.
“So... you don’t hate me?”
“Why would I hate you?”
Kyle splutters, “I just told you I liked you after I spent years bullying you for literally the same thing when we were younger”.
Alex shakes his head, the smile not leaving his face.
“And I’ve forgiven you for it ten times over”
He watches Kyle process this, watches him glance down at their still-linked hands then take a swig from his bottle with his free one.
He pulls a face when he sits the bottle back down. In the time their conversation has taken their drinks have gone from ice cold, to cool, to lukewarm, now it’s practically un-drinkable.
“Would you forgive me one more time?”
Kyle’s facing him now, he’s breathing heavier and his face is flushed. Alex imagines he doesn’t look much different himself.
Distantly he’s aware that they’re still holding hands.
“Forgive you for what?”
He searches Kyle’s face, looking for any hint of what he’s talking about. He finds it when Kyle’s eyes flick to his lips and he swallows nervously.
“For this” Kyle whispers.
Alex isn’t sure who leans in first but he blinks, and they’re kissing.
His eyes close as he brings his hand up, cupping Kyle’s jaw and angling his head so he can kiss him deeper.
Kyle’s tongue probes at his lips and Alex opens up, welcoming him with a quiet moan. Kyle lets go of his hand and grasps at Alex’s waist.
Alex can feel his hands squeeze his hips before they slip around his back and try to pull him closer.
But they’re already pushed together, thigh to thigh, so Alex pushes his chest against Kyle’s, pulling back from the kiss to peck at the corner of Kyle’s mouth, breathing heavily against Kyle’s cheek.
His hand slips into the hair at the nape of Kyle’s neck, and he pulls at what he can, threading his fingers through the strands.
Kyle moans against Alex’s lips and he can’t restrain himself, he dives back in. Pulling Kyle’s face against his, licking into his mouth greedily.
His other hand is still on Kyle’s knee so he moves it up, stroking up his thigh until he reaches the crease at the front of his jeans.
He squeezes the top of Kyle’s thigh gently, relishing in the way Kyle breaks the kiss to pant heavily, a quiet whine leaving his lips.
He opens his eyes slowly, blinking as if waking up. He finds Kyle already looking at him, eyes wide with - what looks like wonder.
Kyle doesn’t move his hands from Alex’s waist so Alex doesn’t move his from Kyle’s face and leg.
Kyle kisses his palm, a hesitant smile breaking out over his face, widening only when Alex smiles back at him.
His thumb strokes along Kyle’s cheek, tucking an errant strand of hair behind his ear.
When Alex finally tries to speak his voice is too hoarse, and he has to clear his throat before he can continue.
“I think I can find it in myself to forgive you for that”
Kyle laughs, Alex can feel the vibrations along his arm.
“Okay good thank you”
Kyle licks his lips, Alex watches, unashamed, Kyle notices, eyes glinting mischievously.
“Cos I was planning on doing it again at some point”.
He grins, eyes fully focussed on Alex. Alex lets his hand fall from Kyle’s face as Kyle relinquishes his hold on Alex’s waist.
Their hands meet in the middle, clutching at each-other beneath the table.
“But I was thinking” - Kyle continues - “We could go on a date? Dinner? Or lunch? Or... I don’t know, paintballing?”
Alex laughs, accepting the playful barb, “That was a good date actually”.
Kyle snorts, “Well it cant have been because it wasn’t with me but okay”.
Alex rolls his eyes, but there’s no heat behind it, “Dinner I can do”.
Kyle beams and Alex can’t help but lean in again, pressing a chaste, dry kiss against Kyle’s lips.
And they’d have stayed there all night if at that precise moment last orders hadn’t been called out.
Kyle sighs, rubbing his thumb along Alex’s knuckles, “Walk you home?”.
“You gonna kiss me at my door, Valenti?”
“That depends, are you gonna call me Valenti on our date too?”
“Only if you ask real nice”.
Kyle laughs, and Alex thinks he’d like to hear more of that in the future.
“Just stay over, the bed’s big enough” Alex offers.
Kyle raises an eyebrow, reluctantly climbing out of the booth to grab his jacket, subtly trying to adjust his jeans, Alex watches him, smugly proud.
“We haven’t had a sleepover since we were - what... twelve?”, he helps Alex out of the booth, straightening his jacket collar once he’s got it on.
“You don’t want to?” Alex tries not to sound disappointed but he must fail because Kyle immediately moves closer, hands smoothing along Alex’s jaw.
“I’d love to”, He insists, then pauses.
“But I thought we would be taking things slow?”.
Alex smirks, kissing the tip of Kyle’s thumb.
“I’m inviting you over to sleep, nothing else. I don’t want to rush in, I don’t want to ruin this”.
Kyle searches his eyes, and must be content with what he finds because his face splits in a wide grin and he leans forwards, taking Alex’s lips in a lingering kiss.
“For the record you are incapable of ruining things but I agree, I like you way too much to risk anything”.
“Alright” Alex says, taking Kyle’s hand in his and leading him to the door. “A sleepover it is”.
Kyle hesitates, “Just don’t blame me if you wake up and I’m sprawled all over you like an octopus, I’m very tactile”.
Alex smiles, “Somehow I don’t think I’d mind that at all”.
Kyle nods, satisfied. “No take backs, you’re stuck with me now Manes”.
Alex squeezes his hand, still smiling, unbearably happy.
“I think I’m okay with that”.
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