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It started with a text.
An excited congratulations along with fireworks and applause emojis.
Chen Lin
You’re going to be so famous now. Don’t forget me, Yue jie!
It was a message that looked similar to every congratulation Zhao Yue received that finale night. She thanked them all, adding a little personal touch to each one.
ZY
Oh, look at that? I’m gonna screenshot and save this. The day my meimei called me jiejie.
Chen Lin
Just for tonight, you might be famous now, but don’t push it.
Texting felt foreign after being without her phone for months, yet she texted the 7senses mangnae in a speed of light. The words commanding her fingertips so easily.
While Zhao Yue spends most of her time in SNH48 fending herself from chaotic fangirls, Chen Lin was like a breath of fresh air.
Chen Lin was two generations younger, a beauty that could have been a center in a KPOP group with cheeks that reminds Zhao Yue of chipmunks.
She was an anomaly. Because even with all that talent, a dancer, a singer, the exposure from 7senses, Chen Lin remains virtually unknown. Yet, it’s that lion heart of hers that kept her moving forward.
Chen Lin was a little sister to her. They were roomies a few years back when they trained for Seven Senses. They had snowball fights (though Chen Lin threw a block of ice), took late night convenience store trips, and while the rest of the girls take the chance to rub their hands all over her, she could sit together with Chen Lin, their legs intertwined with no hidden agendas to it.
But just like most things, their communication slowly faded away. When they’re not promoting for 7senses they would hardly talk. Zhao Yue busy with her team, and Chen Lin just as busy with hers.
They would occasionally bump into each other in the center, or in the training room, a hi, how are you doing? Promising to catch up when they’re not busy, a promise that is broken the second it’s said.
She checked and it's been months since they last message each other,
Her phone beep with Chen Lin’s name in bold. The easiness in her tone is quick to make Zhao Yue smile.
CL
If I knew you'll be this big, I should have save your stuff and sold them.
ZY
As long as I got a cut from that, then that’s okay.
CL
Deal
The entire night is filled with congratulations had felt like a blur to Zhao Yue. It is only when she messages Chen Lin where time slows down as if they are allowing them to catch up on things they have missed.
*
To Zhao Yue’s surprise, one message had slowly turned to more.
They both have impossible schedules. Hers a little worse, but the little breather they have in between, they somehow find the time to check in on each other.
Zhao Yue realizes that Chen Lin is some sort of milk tea connoisseur. She would send Zhao Yue different photos of the milk tea she had tried and giving out her honest review if the flavor is too sweet to the consistency of the tapioca.
She in turn sends her the different exotic food she eats.
Zhao Yue has no time to watch anime these days, but there are some that she still holds dearly and would recommend them to Chen Lin. In turn, the younger girl watches and they would go on an all night spree of talking about it.
Sometimes, Zhao Yue finds herself chuckling from a random message. Laughing to the point that her new sisters exchanged surprise looks, shrugging before they say, “here-she-goes-again”.
She laughs when Chen Lin sends a picture of her roommate’s cat giving her a loving stare or in Chen Lin’s case a death glare.
Chen Lin
Look. He’s trying to kill me, right?
Zhao Yue
I think he’s in love with you
Chen Lin
If that’s a look of love, I don’t want to know how he would look if he hates me.
*
The random messages soon turned into plans. Zhao Yue’s schedule is jammed to the minute, but the little reprieve they had, she was adamant to set up something to catch up. It’s going to be after elections and Supernovae games, and she told Chen Lin that it will be her treat.
Zhao Yue knew how stressful elections are and one thing she’s so glad about debuting is finally getting to dodge that. In her pocket and in her live, Chen Lin is a picture of sunshine, of unadulterated optimism, but behind it, when she and Zhao Yue talk, Chen Lin would let her insecurities and worries slowly slip. Zhao Yue wished that the precious mangnae could see that she’s more than just a number.
*
Chen Lin ranked 46 in the elections and Zhao Yue couldn’t have been more proud.
She taps on the play button, watching for what felt like the tenth time of Chen Lin running to the stage, a smile that puts Shanghai summer suns to shame as she claims her trophy.
“She has that smile again,” Xiening teased when they caught her smiling out of nowhere.
Zhao Yue just rolls her eyes playfully before her gaze goes back to her phone, tapping the play button once again.
She received a message that night, a picture only meant for her of the prettiest girl with the prettiest smile posing with her trophy.
Chen Lin
I got 46. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
You deserve even more, Zhao Yue texted but quickly deleted it. But before she could think of another message, her phone starts ringing.
“Hello?”
“I saw your one handed flip, real cool.”
Zhao Yue scoffs, “but did you see that shitty archery though?”
She hears a hum on the other line, “Well. I won’t worry so much about it. I mean it’s not like you’re going to shoot someone with an arrow soon.”
Her new sisters elbowing each other as they look at Zhao Yue, wondering if she's aware of how much she's smiling.
“You have to focus on the things you did well.”
“Oh yeah, but what if there’s a zombie apocalypse and I only have a bow and arrow?”
Chen Lin scoffs from the other line before saying, “Well then, you could always hit them with your one handed flip.”
Zhao Yue mumbles a soft, barely audible, “That’s amazing.” And she’s not sure if she’s talking about the trophy or the girl.
*
1. Don’t take initiative
2. Don’t refuse
3. Don’t take responsibility
Those were her three rules on combatting the fangirls attention. The short haircut was both a blessing and a curse. They told her how handsome she is, more dashing than those KPOP oppas. But the attention that went with it was exhausting, especially for someone who just wants to be left alone to play her games.
1. Don’t take initiative
“What to do, Yang?” Zhang Xin bemoans with a sigh.
“I know I thought we did good ranking 10 and 11, but I guess we’re still not worthy.”
“Maybe if we get into Kami 7, Zhao Yue would buy us a gift.”
“You think? Maybe top 3.”
“Okay, that’s our goal next year, get number 1 and 2 so Zhao Yue can get us a gift.”
“Can you two knock it off?” Zhao Yue had enough. She was beating herself up for thinking it’s a good idea to invite Yangyuzhou and Zhang Xin to Shao Kao that night. As soon as they saw the paper bag she brought with her, its been nonstop teasing that she’s wondering if it was a smart idea to get Chen Lin a gift.
“Like seriously? I’ll pay for your meals, so please knock it off. I’m just proud of her. Aren’t you two proud of her?” She defends her flimsy reason.
“We are but we’re not getting her a gift.”
“It’s seriously nothing. It’s just like a jiejie being proud of the accomplishment of her meimei, that’s all there is to it. No. not even a meimei, she’s like my didi. Yup. My little bro.” Zhao Yue tries to convince nobody but herself.
“Zhao Yue!”
She was almost trampled to the ground from the hug, but if she did, it would be worth the bruise.
How long has it been since she last saw her? A few months ago? Almost a year back? Obviously she had seen Chen Lin all dolled up during their time in seven senses, but it was like looking at her baby sister playing dress up. But tonight, there is a different glow to her that Zhao Yue doubts is from the make up. It’s like her adorable meimei has grown up and now she’s looking at this shy beauty that the world is most definitely not yet ready for.
“Oh, didi looks really pretty today,” Zhang Xin hums in a singsong tone.
She quickly spun her head around to snap the two a warning look. Zhang Xin and Yangyuzhou have been together too long, that they both share that same infuriating expression that she would rather not decipher.
“Ummm for you.”
She looks straight at the bag, not wanting to look at Chen Lin or whatever expression Zhang Xin and Yangyuzhou has.
“What?! Thank you.”
“It’s just chocolates, no big deal.”
Chen Lin might have grown up, but she still carries that innocence as she digs enthusiastically inside the bag, jaw dropping after seeing what’s inside.
“Wow! There’s so many.”
“Ummm… ahhh… just 46.” She mumbled yet it was loud enough that Zhang Xin let out a triumphant scoff.
She takes a huge gulp of her water to hopefully shake the attention away from her, before she almost spit it out from Lin’s hard punch in the arm.
“Ohhh… my jiejie knows how to count.”
“You look pretty today.” Yangyuzhou points out as Chen Lin had already unwrapped one KitKat. “You came from a date or something?”
Zhao Yue clears her throat, looking away only to have Chen Lin shove a KitKat in her mouth, earning more chuckles from the two.
“No. I just finish up some photoshoot for the teaser. You’re lucky you got done earlier.”
The entire dinner Zhao Yue often finds herself mumbling like an idiot. Chen Lin might have been two years younger, but she’s the caretaker between the two of them placing meat on her bowl, chiding her for being too thin these days.
Every time she looks away, she had the unfortunate sight of Zhang Xin and Yangyuzhou armed with shit eating smirks on their shit eating faces.
Her phone beep, the couple in front of her beaming with matching annoying grins,
Yangyuzhou
If I look at my didi like that, I think I might have some issues.
*
“Hey, sorry guys, but we have to go ahead. We forgot we have to feed our cat.”
“Yeah. Don’t want to go home to a dead cat in the room.”
Zhao Yue narrows her eyes at them, these two don’t look the least bit sorry.
“Well, I guess I’ll go home with you guys.” Chen Lin is about to step towards the two, but Yangyuzhou was quick to shove her back.
“What? No. no. no.” Yangyuzhou shoves Chen Lin almost smacking Zhao Yue. “Stay here and you guys bond.”
Before she and Chen Lin could air out their protest, the two had already skipped away.
“Wait…” Zhao Yue scratches her head in confusion. “Do they even have a cat?”
“Nope. They don’t.”
The younger girl looked at her, a quiet probing in her expression, “So, what do you want to do? Or do you want to just go home?”
“What?” Zhao Yue shoved her hands in her pockets. “No. It’s been awhile since we hangout.”
Chen Lin beamed, wrapping an arm around Zhao Yue’s shoulders, “Alright. Let’s go.”
*
“So…” Xiening squeezed right next to Zhao Yue even if she could take the whole entire opposite side of the couch. “This girl.”
“-What girl?” Zhao Yue paused the video turning to the girl squeezed right next to her. This has been somewhat like a routine for her, after hours of rehearsals, she chills in the couch, watching a video before heading to bed.
“This girl in the video that you watch dance every night. Is she like your girlfriend or something?”
“What?!" Zhao Yue almost jumped out of the couch from the assumption. "No. no. no. She’s like my meimei. No. not even. She’s like my didi.”
“Well,” She leans closer, as if she’s already not close enough. “Your didi is really pretty.”
Pretty, talented, fun, Chen Lin could check a few on the list. But Zhao Yue could only respond with a,
“She- she is.”
“Does she know about this?”
“What?”
“That you watch her dance?”
Zhao Yue straightened up, the sleepiness in her fading, “N-no.”
Xiening flashes her a knowing smirk before pushing herself up the couch. Zhao Yue for once wished that Xiening doesn’t have to go, that she could distract her with more mindless talks. It worries Zhao Yue that when she’s alone, her mind would take her somewhere she’s avoiding to be.
“You. You watch videos of your friends dance, right?” She asked tentatively.
The other girl turns to her with a smile, before saying, “Only the ones that I like.”
*
2. Don’t Reject
She’s just busy, Zhao Yue tells herself. Bonbon girls activities have stepped on the gas, from 0 to 100 and she has no time for this.
They both somehow have a good grasp of each other’s schedules, texting and calling each other at around 2 am when they are done with events or rehearsals. Whether if they talk for 3 hours straight or just a quick 3 seconds hi and good night. They have been a part of each other’s day and unfortunately for Zhao Yue, her mind.
But Zhao Yue is working hard of not answering her text. Zhao Yue sets it aside for later, reasoning that she’s just tired and no, she’s not avoiding her at all. And no, she’s not avoiding what her heart and mind have been screaming at her lately.
It’s going to fade away in time with their busy schedules just like it did before. It took about a few more of these cold, sporadic messages before Chen Lin finally asked,
Chen Lin
Is everything alright?
It took a good 45 minutes for Zhao Yue to give out a two word reply.
Zhao Yue
Yeah.
Why?
Chen Lin
Oh. I just think you’re kinda quiet.
Zhao Yue
Haha. You’re getting that from a text?
Chen Lin
I do.
Zhao Yue
I’m just tired.
Chen Lin
Oh, I’m so sorry then.
Zhao Yue
No problem
She watches as the three bubbles battle on her screen, wondering what Chen Lin would say next until it just stops. She spends the entire rehearsal getting yelled at for missing simple steps, for being a tad too late on her beat. She took the criticism, knees on the ground in apology and an I’ll do better, but she knows as long as she has Chen Lin in the back of her head, it might be a little too hard.
*
And just like most messages, it slowly started fading over time. No, fade is not the right word, stop is more fitting. It’s normal, they’re busy, she tells herself.
One day was understandable.
Two days is still bearable.
On the third day that she didn’t get a message, Zhao Yue’s mind starts swirling.
She tries to reason out that they’re just both busy. That there is no awkward tension hovering over them, that it’s just that their schedule is packed that they don’t have the time to text.
She could tell herself that, but then, she text Yangyuzhou on a regular. She finds herself debating with her thoughts if she should ask Yang2x how Chen Lin is doing. Surely, she must be okay, just busy, right?
She tries to be subtle about one night, but Yang2x being Yang2x quickly picked up on it.
“So, how’s everyone?”
“How’s everyone? Or just one?”
“Everyone.”
“Well, Dai Meng, Xiaoyin and Tako are busy with graduation things, I’m busy being awesome.”
Zhao Yue waited for her to finish, but seeing that Yangyuzhou stopped right there, it’s obvious what she’s trying to make her do. She wants her to say the name out loud.
Alright. Fine.
“And Chen Lin how is she?” She says in defeat.
She receives a stolen picture of Chen Lin during a break in rehearsals, smiling as she reads through her phone. There’s a sudden uncertain feeling that consumed her. Zhao Yue had never hated a person, but if this lucky bastard making Chen Lin smile like that gets run over by a truck, Zhao Yue would ask how the truck is doing.
“Zhao Yue? Zhao Yue?”
“Huh? What?”
“You still there?”
“Yeah ummm. So, ummm she looks happy. So, who is this person?”
“We don’t know. Well, she is beautiful, sweet and caring, whoever it is would be lucky to have her.”
“Y-yeah, you’re right. I just… you know, want to make sure that whoever this is, is good enough for her.”
“You can ask her about it.”
*
She wonders why she’s struggling to send a text right now.
A few months ago, she could forward Chen Lin with the most dumbass post that she saw in weibo or she could text how her game is going with no issues.
But now, even saying hi seems to be a struggle. And things like these are so foreign to her. She had never been like this. She knows she just have one person that she could run to.
*
“Hey Da Ge.”
“What’s going on with you? You miss me or something?”
Trust on Lu Ting to skip the pleasantries and go straight to the point.
“I guess I kinda miss you,” Zhao Yue scratches on the table, her fingers tracing curves and shapes on a piece of paper.
“I knew it.” Lu Ting scoffs proudly. “Now let’s hear it. I’m a famous idol too. I got songs to sing, hands to shake and bills to pay.”
“Hear what?”
“Whatever is bothering you.”
Zhao Yue resigns her to her fate and asked, “So ummm… How do you text someone?”
“What?” Lu Ting’s voice boomed, as if she’s unsure of the stupidity she just heard from Zhao Yue. “So, this is what you do, you look for this icon that says messages, then you tap on tha-“
Zhao Yue blurts out a little laugh oozing with sarcasm, “I meant how do you ummm text someone? Like someone you have been texting and talking to, but you guys ummm… kinda stop talking for a bit, like how do you text them again?”
It was quiet in the other line, before Lu Ting spoke softly. “You can start with a hi. How are you?”
“Y-yeah, I guess I could text that.” She drew a line put a dot on top of it.
“You can tell them you miss talking to them.”
“Isn’t that a little straight forward?”
“The world is gonna end soon, Zhao Yue. I think you can drop the subtlety right now.”
“Yeah… yeah I guess.”
There was silence in both sides except for Zhao Yue scribbling a line and connecting it with a curve.
“Is this about number 46?”
Zhao Yue almost dropped her phone from the question,
“Ah Fuck. Did Zhang Xin tell you?”
“Aha! So, it is about her.”
“Maybe yes, maybe no. It could mean anybody.”
“Maybe.” Another scoff. “All I know is I’m number two in the rankings and I got a congratulations from you.”
“Alright. I’ll send you a gift.”
“It’s not that. The fact that you thought of giving her something is what makes it different. I told Chacha that that’s it, Zhao Yue finally find someone to love more than her games and those busty girls in anime.”
“Oh c’mon.”
“You know, I’m not close with her but I do know she’s a sweetheart. I ask Xiao Kong about her and she absolutely loves her. I didn’t tell her why, so that might change when she finds out. Look, she might have thought that you’re doing bonbon things is making you too busy. She might think that she’s bothering you.”
“I ummm… Yangyang said she’s texting someone now, maybe ummm… I don’t want to bother her.”
“People can text two people at the same time and if she has no plans then she won’t text back, easy as that.”
Zhao Yue thinks that that is easier said than done.
“What if I’m too late? That whoever this is, is just sweeping her off her feet?”
“Or maybe you’re right on time, you won’t know until you try, right?”
“Right.”
Zhao Yue’s eyes widening when she realized what she was unconsciously writing on her note,
Chen Lin
*
3. Don’t take responsibility
She ended up texting Chen Lin after about two weeks of radio silence. It’s not a hi. Not a how are you. But instead of her latest ranking in her game. Her phone beeps after a few minutes,
Chen Lin
Congrats.
It seems a little too cold, the Chen Lin she knows would be sending memes now of how awesome it is. But instead all she got is a congrats, but she’s got to try, right?
Yue
Thanks.
When Zhao Yue didn’t receive a message back, she finally said to fuck it and send one.
Yue
How are you?
Chen Lin
Good
And after a few hesitant seconds,
Chen Lin
And you?
Zhao Yue didn’t message her back, instead she called her after an hour saying,
“I’m outside.”
*
“Zhao Yue?”
Chen Lin stood outside the center in her pajamas. The zero make up only made her younger than she already is, like someone fresh out of high school, while here she is ragged in a hoodie, looking like some college student deprived of sleep and fueled by red bull.
“Hey ummm… ahhh this is for you.”
She stretches her arm out, handing the plastic bag to the mangnae.
“Sorry. I just have it on a plastic bag. I… ummm.”
“It’s more chocolates,” Chen Lin points out the obvious. “I still have some.”
“No. not just chocolates, there is seaweed, spicy beef strips and chicken feet there too.”
“You’re mixing it up.” Chen Lin looks amused and impressed at the same time.
“I am. I’m just guessing that yours is about to run out so I ummm grab you some more.”
“Ummm thanks.”
She croaked an awkward, “Yeah.”
And Chen Lin croak it back, “Yeah.”
“Okay ummm that’s all,” Chicken. “I got to go.” Coward. “Good night, bye.” Wuss.
She hears a soft hmmm followed by an even softer “bye.”
This is the second time she decided to fuck it, stopping on her tracks and turning back to the other girl.
“Does she know?”
Chen Lin just tilts her head in confusion, “What?”
“That person you’re texting now. Does she know about your favorite milk tea flavor? About the name of your dog?”
The younger girl narrows her gaze, searching for some sort of answer in Zhao Yue’s face.
“Does she know About how you say you can’t stand your roommie’s cat but still love him all the same? About you going on a driving lesson next month?”
“What? I don’t understand.”
“This person. This one you’re texting. The one who is making you smile like that.”
“I don’t know who you are talking about,” Chen Lin looked slightly irritated now, “because I’m only texting you.”
Zhao Yue looks up, the confused look all over her face.
“I mean I have only been texting you.”
“Oh. Wait what?”
Chen Lin has a resigned smile on her face, and for the third time in the last ten minutes she says it again, “I’m only texting you.”
“Oh ummm.”
Fuck you Xu Yangyuzhou.
“Well, I knew you’re busy and all lately. Meng jie told me that she hardly see Yu Yan and they talk so sporadically. I ask her isn’t that hard?”
“What did she say?”
“It is hard but…” The mangnae takes a deep breath. “The few seconds that they get to talk and see each other, makes it so worth it.”
Zhao Yue looks down, scuffing her shoes on the ground.
“I understand what you’re doing.” Chen Lin softly confessed, Zhao Yue turned to the younger girl whose gaze is on the asphalt. “You’re part of one of China’s biggest girl group now. And you’re busy and all. Maybe you don’t see it now, but I’m hoping that the next time you see me on stage, you’ll know that we’re worth it.”
“We?”
“Someday… when you’re ready. I mean it’s not a race.”
Zhao Yue looks up, smiling softly. “Forget someday. I want us now.”
Zhao Yue gulps as she sees Chen Lin moving closer to her. She swallowed hard, her mind going berserk as she thought, this is it, she’s going to kiss me.
But before she can do anything, she fell backwards, yelping in pain as Chen Lin smashes her forehead against hers.
“Ouch! What was that for?”
“You’re an idiot.” The younger girl taunts her.
“Are you serious?”
But Zhao Yue’s expression softens when she sees the satisfied smile on Chen Lin’s face.
“About you? Very.”
*
“Finally.”
Zhao Yue hears Yangyuzhou let out a huge sigh of relief, like the weigh off her shoulders has been lifted.
“So, are you finally together?”
It was a question Zhao Yue was expecting to get, and even though she thought she was ready for it, it still easily made her smile.
“Ummm yeah.”
“Did you guys kiss?”
“What ummm. No. We ummm… squeeze hands.” Zhao Yue spared the details of getting her head smashed in.
“Did they kiss?” Xin asked, her focus on her screen.
“No. They squeeze hands.”
Zhang Xin roll her eyes before adding, “Hope you guys stay protected, don’t want any crazy surprises after nine months.”
Zhao Yue groans, yet she couldn’t help the grin that’s breaking on her face because the thought of a baby Chen Lin just sounds like the most adorable thing in the world.
*
When they’re not lock in practices and events, the free nights they have together they spend it meeting each other’s friends.
Lu Ting is adamant to meet her. Zhao Yue think it’s cute but unnecessary how nervous Chen Lin is on their first meeting, asking what should I wear? What kind of food does Da ge like? It was understandable, Lu Ting isn’t nickname Da ge for nothing.
The night is spent mostly of her getting slandered. They warned Chen Lin of Zhao Yue’s three rules. Of the infamous wives club, the women beating themselves up for Zhao Yue.
They even warn Zhao Yue not to break Chen Lin’s heart.
They have nothing to worry about, Zhao Yue would jump off Shanghai Tower first than even dare break Chen Lin’s heart.
Chen Lin just turn to her, those brown eyes sparkling in amusement, her hand playfully squeezing Zhao Yue’s, and Zhao Yue tried her damnest not to smile.
By the end of the night, Da ge and the rest of the girls gave her a thumbs up. Da ge whispering to her, “She’s worth the wait.”
*
It was a different case when they met the members of Team X. Most of them trying to keep their cool, to act like protective jiejies even though Chen Lin is one of the older ones in their team and definitely one who is most responsible. Yet they were secretly fawning over her, much to Chen Lin’s dismay.
*
Their seven senses jiejies are a whole different story.
Kong Xiaoyin went into hysterics when she had found out about it, branding Chen Lin a traitorous fox. Dai Meng and Yu ge on the other hand were celebrating that their crackship finally sailed. Xu Jiaqi took one good look at their hands and say, it’s all about the angles.
Yangyuzhou just smacks her forehead and says, “Xu Jiaqi,” She stressed out, shaking her head, like a mother disappointed at her own child. “these two haven’t even kissed yet.”
Everyone’s jaws drop from that revelation. And that was the truth, they have been together for almost two months but other than holding hands and a hug goodbye, they had never kissed.
But after the initial craziness died down, a very Xu Jiaqi smile spread in Xu Jiaqi’s face, flipping her hair before saying,
“Well… this is how you do it.”
*
They weren’t kidding when they said it was going to be hard. And Zhao Yue works her blood, sweat and tears off to make sure people know she’s deserving to be on stage, but her personal life is a different story.
It's something she would rather keep to herself and only to the people she holds dear.
They saw each other again after two months, a music show in Changsha where they were too busy, they didn’t even see each other in the backstage. Being part of the bonbon girls gave her the privilege to have a front row seat, with the performers almost just a breath away from them.
Her heart swelling up with pride to see her sisters, and most especially to see her up there. She sensed those brown eyes twinkling over at her direction.
And a smile meant for her, when Xiening asks,
“Oh, isn’t that your didi?”
Zhao Yue grins, armed with an answer,
“Nope. That’s my girlfriend.”