Chapter Text
Tuesday, April 14, 17:48
Useless. Stupid. Crazy. Unloveable. A burden. Too much noise in his head reminding of how messed up he is. Too many voices that sound just like his own telling him how much of a failure he is.
Eliott has just waken up and yet he just wants to fall back asleep. He feels so tired. So exhausted. Like he could sleep for days and yet that still wouldn't be enough. Beside, what's the point of staying awake if he can't do anything. Everything he does fails anyway.
He can't even bring himself to cry right now. He just feels numb. He feels both nothing and too much at the same time. Frustration, anger, sadness, emptiness.
Sighing, he forces himself to open his eyes, staring up at the ceiling above him. It still looks just as ugly as it was when they first moved in over four months ago as they had never gotten around decorating their bedroom. There's still the three squares of paint on the wall to his right they had been teased for the night of their housewarming party.
Beside him, on the nightstand, his phone vibrates once, twice, thrice. Most of the time, he would just leave it there and focus on trying to fall back asleep but something he can't quite name stir within him so he gathers all of his forces and reaches for it, checking who just texted him. The screen is way too bright for the darkness of the bedroom, blinding him for a moment.
"Fuck," he curses under his breath, blinking as his eyes adjust to the light.
Everything is blurry at first but then he starts making out what's on the screen. Three new messages from Lucas.
Lucas. Eliott snapped at him this morning after his boyfriend had asked if he wanted him to bring back something special from the grocery store. He had meant it with the world's best intentions but all Eliott had done instead of thanking him was to yell he wasn't a baby and that Lucas didn't need to watch over him like that. He had regretted his harsh words as soon as they had left his mouth but he couldn't take them back. Instead, as his eyes welled up with tears of frustration, he had pulled the covers up over his head so that Lucas wouldn't see him cry.
The silence that had followed had been nearly deafening and Eliott feared he might have gone too far this time, that Lucas would tell him he's had enough, that he couldn't deal with him anymore, that he was tired of being with someone as moody as him.
But of course, none of it happened. He heard his boyfriend sigh, a sound filled with so much sadness Eliott felt his heart sink even deeper at the bottom of his chest as he's the one who had caused this but then Lucas spoke again.
"I love you," he whispered in the softest tone, so quietly Eliott barely heard him above his own breathing.
Then, a few seconds later, the front door opened and closed and Eliott had found himself alone with his thoughts and his guilt. And now, rather than to be rightfully angry at him for snapping, Lucas was still thinking of him, of the little things he could do for him to make him feel better.
Despite how empty he had been feeling just a few minutes ago, tears start to well up in his eyes and a sob escapes his lips. With shaking hands, he manages to type out a reply and presses "Send".
Not waiting for an answer, he throws it back on the nightstand and rolls onto his stomach, clutching at the pillow beside him and closes his eyes as tears keep running down his cheeks.
Why couldn't he be normal? A normal boyfriend for Lucas who doesn't deserve to be walking around on eggshells like this. A normal friend who just won't bail out of plans because his brain decided he wouldn't leave his bed for a week. A normal son his parents wouldn't have found on their living room's floor after trying to overdose after getting his diagnosis. A normal student his teachers wouldn't have to look to with pity after he misses a week worth of class.
His mind drifts to his unfinished project that's due next week. Even if he somehow found the strength to get up, he doubts he could do something good with it. He would just mess it up even more than it already is.
He shakes his head which only makes his migraine even worse before tightening his arms around the pillow he's holding. It's Lucas'. He can even smell him on it.
It's that familiar scent that ends up slowly luring him back to sleep, muting the noises in his mind.