Chapter Text
Set at the beginning of season 4. Elena breaks up with Stefan after remembering what Damon compelled her to forget. She doesn’ share her reasons besides her feeling that Stefan was in love with the Human Elena and she doesn't feel like he can accept her as a vampire. Bonnie doesn’t join Damon and Elena for the campus trip and Elena revels in her learning experience with no remorse.
I do not own the vampire diaries series (TV or books) or the characters.
Since transitioning I feel like my whole life has been turned upside down. Before dying I chose my path. I was on my way back to Stefan. I chose Stefan. Is it wrong at the time that I thought having Stefan save Matt brought me peace. Peace from my choice. Peace from the hole that was consuming my heart the closer Matt and I got to Mystic Falls.
At the time the choice felt right. I saw Stefan first. Well at least at the time that is what I thought. Stefan saved me and brought light into my world when I thought there would only be darkness. He has always fought for me and supported my choices. That is why he should be my choice.
Damon said it himself. He would have let Matt die. He would have saved me. He doesn’t care who he hurts to get what he wants and he wanted a human life for me. Hearing him admit that surprised me. Damon wanting a human life for me is a selfless choice for him. Although if I think about it I shouldn’t be that surprised.
Over the years I have noticed that Damon may be destructive and impulsive but his best quality is selflessness for those he loves. Love for Katherine, love for his brother, even love for me. At first I thought his love for me was artificial. Just some way to taunt his brother, but I have realized it is real and that overwhelms me. It felt safer to focus on my love for Stefan and suppress any feelings for his brother. However, that was easier as a human.
I have only been a vampire for a short period of time but my heightened emotions have forced me to put a lot of choices in perspective. Mainly my feelings regarding Stefan. Stefan has tried so hard to be so supportive and understands my need to not want to hurt anyone. He has tried to show me how to hunt for food and he is attempting to be attentive to me like how I thought he used to be. Yet he seems off. He didn’t even notice that I couldn’t hold down any of the animal blood and when he looks at me there is a sadness in his eyes. I think it is for a life lost, but if I have accepted what I’ve become why can’t he? After some revelations I realize that my love for him is more of an obligation and if I really listen to my heart he isn’t the one who gets it beating fast.
Stefan is returning me home from another failed attempt at hunting.
“That was successful.” I look at him skeptically. “It will get easier over time.” he promises.
“Well I have plenty of that now.” I snicker. Stefan’s eyes do that sad depressed puppy look again. He sighs my name and pauses like he is searching for the right phrase
“Stefan that wasn’t successful. If you didn’t notice I couldn’t keep the blood down. I haven’t been able to keep any of the animal blood down. I think I need to try something different.” I stress.
“It will be fine. If you keep trying it I know it will work” he presses.
“I do not think it will. I need to try a blood bag at least.” I offer.
“No. No. Once you have blood you will want more blood. It will not get easier to go back once you have your first taste. Trust me.” he exhorts.
“I get that and I appreciate you helping me. I do. I know blood is hard for you. I can ask Carolone or..Damon.” I suggest. I know his brother is the last person he wants to help me right now. When Damon stated I am more like him at the Salvatore house. I couldn’t help to be swayed towards his side.
“I don’t think it is a good idea.” he mutters. I am sure now this has more to do with his own concerns then it has to do with me.
“I appreciate your concern, but I have to try something. I can’t continue like this.” I reveal.
“I know.” He gives me that sad look again. I will not be able endure that look for an eternity. I have to know.
“Stefan, do you like me as a vampire?” I ask.
“I love you” he replies.
“That is not an answer to my question, Stefan.” I chide.
“I know” he breathes. “It’s just so new. It is not something I expected for you. Or us.” he confesses.
“I know. Me either, but I have accepted it. It does not seem like you have.” I declare.
“I haven’t.” he admits. “I am looking for a way out for you. A spell, a cure, something. We will get you back.” Stefan stresses.
“Get me back? I am right here Stefan! I am the same Elena” I state.
“No. You have changed, but don’t worry. We will get you back” he pledges.
“There is nothing to get back Stefan. This is me now. You know what? You are right. I have changed. I feel stronger, more confident and more alive even with the issues with the blood. I need to know. Can you accept me for who I am now?” I snap. I know the answer. He doesn’t accept me. I see things clearer than I ever did before. Stefan had an expectation of me that I barely fit into as a human and is not even a possibility as a vampire.
He grabs my face between his hands looking at me. “You don’t have to be who you are now. You can go back to being human Elena. Who you used to be. You just have to give me some time so I can find a way to cure you.” he begs.
I pull away from his hold. “I am sorry but I can’t do this. This is me now. If you cannot accept that. I think it is time we end things.” I express.
“Elena you do not mean that” he implores.
“Stefan, I do” Once I have said it I realize I haven’t been this sure of a decision in a long time. I hate to end things like this when it even wasn’t even a consideration weeks ago. I thought it would be Stefan. Always Stefan and maybe that was how human Elena felt but human Elena is dead.
“I am sorry. Let’s talk about this. I have just been trying to help.” he proclaims.
“Stefan, your way of helping me is curing me. I could tell since my transition you miss me as a human. You keep mourning the girl you lost instead of embracing the one you have. I get it. I do. However, I don’t think we can move past this. You are going to always think I need fixing. I don’t need fixing. I want to learn to be alive and choose to accept my second chance.” I reply.
“So this is it? You want to break up, because I want to find a way to make you human again?” he questions.
“Yes and no. I want to break up because I am not a broken item that needs fixing. I want to break up because I realize I don’t feel the same way I did for you as I did as a human. You are right I have changed. I don’t want to hurt you. I know you love me and I appreciate your desire to look out for me, but you have to let me go.” I plead. I can witness his heartbreaking in front of me, but Stehpen has always respected my choices. He looks me in the eyes, waits for a moment but when I don’t say anything he nods, kisses me on the forehead and walks away. I should feel a heaviness surround me but instead I feel a weight lifted off of me.
I want to confide in Bonnie and Caroline about what is going on, but they have their own problems right now and I decide I don’t want to add to their problems or talk about it. Caroline being the number one fan of Team Stefan will try to convince me to beg Stefan to take me back. Bonnie would be more supportive but will be suspicious when I don’t show any signs of heartbreak and I am not ready for any of their questions right now. Nonetheless, I still can’t hold down any blood, not even blood bags. I think that I need help and with the town counsel being blown up I may need to take advantage of my opportunity fast before it leaves town.
I find Damon at The Grill with a drink and a bottle near. I wonder if he ever pays for his drinks or just compels the bartender to always leave the bottle. When he doesn’t let me sit in Alaric’s old spot I have a sudden urge to press him to confide in me. He has repressed all his grief regarding Ric and eventually it is going to blow up and Damon’s blow ups are detrimental. However, instead I move to his other side, inquire about the counsel and explain my issue. I still am not ready to feed on people like he suggests. Even though Stefan and I are not together anymore he is right I can get through this without hurting someone but I know something is wrong and I can’t stop the hunger. I need to figure this out before I lose control and I think Damon’s is the only one who can help me.
He is agitated that I refuse to choose a human so I am confused when he takes my hand, leads me to the bathroom and locks the door. When he bites his palm and tells me to feed off him I am discombobulated. I have never seen a vampire feed off another vampire. That right there should be my first clue what we were doing was taboo, but when he tells me to not tell Stefan I want to know why and more about what makes blood sharing so personal. He doesn’t answer any of my questions. He just presents his palm to me and presses me to drink.
That is when I smell his blood and I lose focus. His blood smells sweet like the most desirable dessert, like vanilla, honey or butterscotch but also woodsey like oak . I look to Damon hoping he will now answer any of my questions but instead he nods in confirmation. I am still skeptical but the aroma from his blood surrounds me and draws me in and I can’t resist anymore.
I sink my fangs into his palm and take my first pull of his blood. It is beyond any euphoric feeling I have ever felt. A strong desire to be closer to Damon comes over me and I press my body into his and feel him move back. His hand comes up and caresses my hair. I feel like I am enjoying the most passionate kiss I have ever experienced. It is pure pleasure from my head to toe, but yet it is more than that. The pleasure feels like its source is an emotion. An emotion that can only be love. I feel Damon’s love for me. He is making me feel like I am being passionately kissed, but then I remember I am not kissing Damon. I am feeding on him. Slowly I pull my mouth away from his hand. Damon to his credit doesn’t say a sarcastic remark or sexual comment. He just stays still waiting for me to make the first move. I am still pressed against his chest, my other hand tightly gripping his arm. I slowly let go and turn to face him but am sure to step back a few paces to put plenty of space between us. He looks about as wrecked as I feel. Eyes wide, mouth parted a look between bliss and shock on his face. That was the most intense feeling I have ever experienced and I am happy he felt it too.
“Is it always like that?” I whisper to myself forgetting vampire hearing.
“No. Never” he replies breathlessly. He still has not moved from the wall. In a way it seems like he is in shock. I may have broken Damon. I have never seen him so still and quiet for this long and he was honest with his response and there was no Damon humor used as a cover.
I want to thank him besides the awkwardness that is growing between us. I feel wonderful. I think it worked, but unfortunately I don’t think it will be something I can ask him to do on a recurring basis. I realize I am going to have to learn to feed but if I have help I can do it without hurting anyone.
“Will you teach me?” I query.
“Teach you. What. Exactly?” he questions hesitantly.
“Snatch, Eat and Erase.” I misgruntly reply.
His mouth forms his signature half smile. I do not understand how this man can barely smile and look undeniably sexy.
“What are you doing this Saturday?” he half speaks and sings which is another trait that I find appealing about him. Why do I keep finding every action he does incredibly irresistible suddenly?
“Nothing” I divulge.
“Good. Didn’t you want to check out Whitmore College?” he recounts.
“Yes. Bonnie and I were supposed to go together, but we haven't finalized plans.” I inform.
“Well, you can go back with her another time. You and me are going Saturday.” he instructs.
“Why would I go with you to take a campus tour?” I protest. Where did this topic even come from and why is Damon wanting to do any college activities with me at all?
“It is far enough from Mystic Falls we don’t have to worry about drawing exposure and close enough to halloween that there will be plenty of parties. It will be the perfect atmosphere to practice.” he implies.
“Oh.” I whisper. He is right. There will be plenty of parties this weekend. The parties will be crowded so I can learn to feed without being noticed and Damon will be there if I get carried away. If any of my behavior seems off it will be dismissed as being part of halloween.
“Yes. Oh” he chides. “I’ll bring the costumes. You just worry about what you are going to tell Stefan, but don’t forget what not to tell him.” he commands.
“That won’t be a problem.” I vouch. I’m surprised Stefan hasn’t shared with Damon that I broke up with him. I should probably tell him but I am not ready for his comments. It can wait till this weekend. Damon and I agree on a time for him to pick me up and I leave The Grill and head home.
Saturday can’t arrive soon enough. After I left The Grill I was feeling apprehensive about the upcoming weekend but a week of dealing with Caroline and Bonnie the reprieve is welcomed. I finally shared my relationship status with my best friends and my presumptions were not too far off. Caroline has joined Team Stefan and does not like me as a vampire either. Bonnie is supportive of my decision even though she seems startled by it. However, she is not a fan about my upcoming trip with Damon and insists on coming along, but I just couldn’t bring myself to allow her. If I have a mishap I feel better having the least judgemental witness at my side because, honestly, Bonnie can be a little self righteous.
I haven’t heard or seen Stefan since we broke up which is probably for the best. I just hope that Damon hasn’t taunted our trip against him. I can’t imagine which choice he thinks is worse: me feeding off a human or me going away with Damon. Yet I am a bit stunned he didn’t decide to warn or scold me about my upcoming adventure. I am more amazed when Damon picks me up to head to Whitmore that my recent break up is not a topic of conversation for our journey. Instead he tells me stories of a time long ago when he went to college and has me promise to not become a Tri Delta. When we arrive in town he pulls into a hotel near campus and explains we need a place to get ready when I give him an inquiring look.
“You didn’t want to change in a dingy frat house, do you?” he chastises.
“No I guess not. Just seems like a waste of money to change.” I confess.
“Who said I’m paying?” he grins.
“If you don’t I will. We’re not compelling a free room. That is stealing, Damon.” I object.
“As you wish, but honestly Elena you’re going to have to lax on your moral high ground a little if you are going to get through tonight.” He criticizes as he holds up his thumb and index finger depicting them slightly apart.
“I know.” I sigh, closing my eyes in defeat. I am lying to myself if I am not worried about how I will react. I am afraid that my impulses will take over me. Should I have trusted Damon to keep me in check when he cannot keep himself in check? I must get caught up in my head far too long dwelling because I am pulled out of my thoughts by Damon cupping his hands around my face whispering my name. I open my eyes to see his blue orbs looking intently at mine.
“I am not going to let you do anything you will regret.” he promises. I take a deep breath and nod. Damon has always been there for me when I have needed him and I feel like I can trust him now. He releases my face, grabs some bags from his trunk and we go check in and to our room.
“So, what are we going as anyways?” I question.
“I am going as Jack the Ripper and you are one of my many victims.” he grins.
“Not funny. Really what are we going as?”I huff.
“Not joking.” he beams as he pulls out our outfits from their garment covers. He was not joking. There is a blouse and long skirt, a men’s coat complete with tails, a vest and... pants?
“Are those pantaloons?” I inquire.
“If you are going to play the part, look the part.” he emphasises. He hands me my dress and I go to the bathroom to get changed. Surprisingly I am able to manage my outfit. I was in fear there would be a corset or something that would have me require Damon’s help but the white victorian blouse and long skirt are easy to put on. I curl my hair and put in a low side ponytail having my hair fall to the right side of my neck.
When I come out of the bathroom I find Damon already dressed. I am instantly drawn to his hair. How did he manage to get it to curl? The hair and suit makes him look younger and innocent. This must be how he looked in 1864. I can’t stop myself from staring and admiring how this man looks great in any outfit, he would even look great in a potato sack, when I notice a member from housekeeping sitting still in a trance on one of the double beds.
“Good you’re done staring. We can continue on.” he smirks.
“Damon” I caution.
“Elena” he mimics my tone. “If you want to wait until you are in a group of people to see if you can control yourself, fine by me, I will just tell Jill her to go on her merry way.” he starts to move to the lady on the bed and has her stand up.
“No, no. You are right. I should make sure I am not a ripper.” I whisper. The mere thought makes me sick to my stomach.
‘You’re not going to be a ripper,” Damon rolls his eyes at me and motions the lady to stand in front of me and to tilt her head to one side.
He stands behind her, brushing the hair off her neck and lightly strokes the place between her head and collarbone he wants me to bite. I would chastise him for trying to make the experience sexual but I hear her heart beating. It is strong and steady considering the circumstances. If she wasn’t compelled I am sure it would be beating irate. Without thought I inch closer and begin to lower my head but hesitate and back up. I am still afraid to act with all of the ‘what if’ scenarios playing through my head.
“I can’t” I cry. I am so afraid once I start I will kill someone. I couldn’t live with myself if I did that.
Damon places his hand across her head and leans her body into his. He then uses his nail to slice a thin cut on her neck and whispers “it’s okay Elena. I got you. You can let go.”
The smell is intoxicating. My veins form and my mind goes into a frenzy before I know it my teeth are sunk into her neck. It is sensation overload. I’ve drank before but this is a high that cannot compare. I feel Damon stroking my hair. He is speaking reassurances until it is time for me to stop.
He gently tugs on my hair to get my attention and I start to have an internal struggle about letting go. She tastes so good I just want to drink her dry. I have to have the last drop. I will not feel satisfied until I have drank all of her blood. Damon continues to urge me to open my eyes.
When I open my eyes to glare at Damon and I am returned with a reassuring expression. He starts telling me that I can let go, that I do not want anything to happen to Jill, how I want her to live. I let go.
I am breathing hard. My mind and body feel like it is surging with adrenaline. I barely can acknowledge Damon feeding Jill his blood, cleaning her up and sending her off. He comes to stand before me and rests his hands on my shoulders, brings his forehead down to rest upon mine and tells me that he knew I could do it.
I surprise him by jumping up in excitement, wrapping my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck. I am ecstatic, I am not a ripper! Damon is smiling at me and I know this man will never let me down. He will always be there when I need him. There are so many things I want to tell him but as I lean my lips to his ear I only speak one word,“more”.
We go to the party. I practice again on some douche frat boy who was trying to roofie an unaware girl. I regret not telling him to never roofie another person when I pull away without coaxing this time from his artery. The high I receive from blood is better than any sensation I ever had on alcohol. I briefly wonder if this is how drug addicts feel. I can almost see the appeal of overindulging in the experience if it didn’t mean death and ruined lives.
The music from the living room surrounds me and I let my impulses take over as I move through the room to dance. The room is packed with a hundred or so drunk college kids living their best life, unaware of the dangers that are at every corner. I want to drown out the ‘what if’s’ so I let the music drown out my thoughts and become consumed by the moment.
My heartbeat is in tune with the music as it takes my troubles and pushes them away. My body moves to the uptempo melody. The whole time I feel his eyes on me. He is keeping his distance dancing behind me. A friendly girl dressed as Dorthy smiles at me encouraging me to dance near her. I am caught up in the moment, no worries, just freedom. I continue to dance but the all too familiar need rises in me. I lean into her compelling her to not scream and tricking her brain to not feel the pain as I pierce into her neck with my fangs. He blood drips down my mouth and I drink her to bring back the euphoric feeling that was starting to taper out. Like the previous two feeds I stop before I can do too much damage and go back to dancing.
Damon dances towards me. He keeps some distance between our bodies as we move in sync to the music. But a familiar pull has me moving closer to him. I have felt this feeling before when we danced at Miss Mystic Falls. I am enthralled by his presence, his sexiness. Blood is dripping down his chin. I raise my hand and swipe my finger to the side of his mouth, bringing it to my lips to get a taste. Damon moves his hands to my waist and moves my body even closer to his.
The blood tastes sweet. I wonder if it is from him or the person he fed from. I crave another taste to find out. I lift up and lick the blood that has dribbled down his neck and move my tongue to the corner of his mouth. The growl he emits shoots sensations straight between my legs. My hands raise to his hair while I grind my body against his. I continue to lick the other side of his mouth and gather the blood that has dripped on that side into my mouth. He whispers my name in what sounds like a plea to continue, to stop, I am not sure. However, I do not wait to find out as I move my mouth on his forcing his head to come down to mine. His arms wrap around me and his lips part and the moment our tongues collide I am questioning if blood has anything on the sensations Damon Salvatore’s body is making me feel.