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Mildred covered her mouth with both hands to quiet her breathing. She was sure she had made it far enough away, but did not want to risk revealing her location behind the large tree.
Had it not been for her years in the army and the time she had spent creating the persona of Nurse Ratched, she certainly would have failed in keeping herself collected. While not as dangerous as war, she felt she had considerably more to lose now.
In the chaos she and Gwendolyn had been separated, and for the first time in decades, she found herself praying to a God Mildred wasn't sure she believed in, that the other woman had kept safe. The last half hour had been nothing but a blur and she was barely able to see where she had been going, but knew that one of them needed to escape.
There were risks coming to the bar, Mildred and Gwendolyn both knew this, there was a freedom to be open and meeting others like them but it came with a price. Even as secluded as the bar was, all it took was a tip off and someone investigating.
A raid. It happened so fast that Mildred acted on instinct alone. She had a lot of practice running.
She and Gwendolyn had been dancing to Ella Fitzgerald, thankfully near the back of the packed bar, surrounded by other happy couples when there was a bang of the front doors being slammed open and shouting from the officers piling in.
Tip, the bartender, killed the lights, the only one left visible was the green bulb over the back door. Gwendolyn grabbed her arm and was leading her through it before Mildred could even process what was happening.
Women were spilling out the small door and making a break for the treeline in the dark, many stumbling and falling, a couple pushed between them and they lost arms. Mildred kept running, she could hear Gwendolyn encouraging her to do so.
Her feet were pounding into the dirt, thankful she wore low heels, and her heart pounded in her ears, her lungs felt like they were about to burst and still she kept running. It sent her back to the base during an attack. Heavy footsteps, men shouting, everyone, especially the nurses, told to take cover. The guilt that she was able to outrun unlucky others to live another day.
Different from war however, there was no hail of bullets, no bodies hitting the floor lifeless, there was merely a quota to be filled and then it would be over. As soon as the bun wagon was full, the police would take their bruised and battered prize to the station ready to return another night.
It felt like it had been hours before the yelling and fighting had gone quiet, the sounds of doors slamming and tires on gravel, although it had only been around a half hour. Mildred waited for a tense few extra minutes to make sure she was not being lured out, before stepping from behind the tree and making her way back.
The nurse had run far in the dark, but saw a few of the other lucky escapees and followed them in hopes to find her way back.
She began to scheme as she walked, it was a distraction as well as a necessity, she had to expect the worst and focusing her mind was helping her keep it together. Mildred could already feel the touch of the ghosts from her past in the emotion trying to claw its way out of her throat and in her trembling legs. She had to keep her mind strong. Thinking of Gwendolyn helped but also caused a different kind of scare.
If Gwendolyn had been taken she needed to get her out as soon as possible, but without raising suspicion to herself. Money wasn't an issue but she did not think that it would matter in this case.
Big Ben, a large cop in his forties, had been leading the recent and increasing raids. His ex-wife, Rita, had left him for another woman and the man now had a personal vendetta against all lesbians. Mildred's money would be less enticing than locking her and her lover up.
By the time she could see the bar clearly, almost an hour since it had all began, Mildred had barely come up with anything that would get Gwendolyn home safely and quickly. Betsy may be of some help if she ended up at Lucia or if they could get her transferred there from prison, but it would most likely take a lot of forged paper work and that takes time. Perhaps she could call on the new governor, Gwendolyn had helped the man whenever he needed, even though she was technically not officially employed yet.
The stress and worry were for naught, as soon as Mildred had made it back to the parking lot she spotted Gwendolyn next to their car. The older woman was pacing back and forth along side the car, running her hands through her hair and mumbling to herself. Mildred felt her pace increase and all the tears she had been holding in beginning to fall.
Gwendolyn's head snapped in her direction as her rapid footsteps approached. The panic on her face replaced with relief as tears gathered, she opened her arms to Mildred, who flung herself into them with such a force they stumbled slightly into the car.
The couple held one another tightly for a moment before hands began to wander, checking each other over for wounds and confirmation that the other was there and safe. They shared a quick kiss before scrambling into the car, they needed to leave in case more police decided to show up and look for the stragglers making their way back.
The car drive home was silent, although the shock was slowly starting to fade along with the adrenaline.
When the front door was shut and locked, the two women shared a sigh of fatigue. Although Mildred was not naïve enough to think that this was over, she could already feel the residual effects seeping in to her psyche, the running and the panic causing memories to surface. She was sure to have nightmares tonight.
Mildred wasn't sure how well Gwendolyn was doing, but per usual the older woman seemed to be holding herself together rather well. Her eyes a little less lively and the wrinkles around them a little more pronounced, but nothing else to indicate if she was taking this hard.
Gwendolyn reached out and grasped Mildred's hand, slowly tugging her along up the stairs and to the bathroom. She began to run them a bath, adding lavender salts and vanilla oil, the fragrance familiar and calming to them both.
Mildred reached for her and began to unbutton Gwendolyn's shirt, her fingers still shaking slightly, made worse by the small nicks and tears in the fabric from their impromptu run.
After the couple undressed one another, they took the time to kiss small scratches and forming bruises, inspecting for any serious damage, thankful there was none. Mildred wrapped her arms around her lover's waist and gripped her tightly, she wanted to merge their bodies, stop them from ever being separated again.
Mildred only released her to allow the woman to turn off the taps. Gwendolyn stepped into the tub first, getting comfortable before lending Mildred a hand to help her step in. When the nurse was nestled in her arms, back resting against her chest and head on her shoulder, she finally began to speak.
Gwendolyn knew better than to ask if Mildred was alright, she wasn't even completely alright herself, but knew that Mildred thrived with compartmentalization and the sooner they got this out in the open, the sooner she could begin to settle her racing mind.
"This isn't my first raid."
Mildred took a shuddering breath.
"You've been through this before?"
Gwendolyn nodded. "Yes, well, not quite. Not all raids are the same. Before Big Ben's vengeful crusade, it was usually more of an intimidation and power play. Occasionally they would be looking for a woman in particular, but usually it would be a tip off and some of the officers just wanted to come and have their fun. The last raid we were in the basement of an old bookstore so there was nowhere to run, we knew it would be best to just sit still and remain calm."
Mildred ran her hands down the arms around her waist and interlocked their fingers.
"What did they do?"
She felt Gwendolyn shrug.
"Nothing really, just walked around and shined a flashlight on our faces, saying vulgar things and barking at us to get us to jump. It was, well a little degrading, but not as dangerous as what happened today. They took two women with them as they left, I'm not sure if by random or not, told the rest of us to clear out and left."
"What happens to the women who are taken?"
"Different things depending on the woman. A wayward wife will be returned to her husband, a government employee blacklisted, a nobody may just be fined and let go. I have heard that the time in jail can be horrific."
Gwendolyn didn't get in to specifics, and she refused to mention that sometimes the women were taken to the beach and treated monstrously and then just left there, but she knew Mildred could put most of it together. Anytime women are deemed lesser, which almost always applied to women like them, and taken against their will it is usually the same treatment. Mildred had known that all too well. Another thought did occur to her though.
"With Lucia up and running I'm sure there will be a few who are sent there by family, or given the option between there and jail. Betsy being in charge may make it the most merciful place to be sent now. I'm also more than certain the head nurse would never allow any mistreatment."
Mildred answered distractedly but immediately, "Of course not."
Mildred was certain that Betsy would treat any women sent there for lesbianism with delicate care and mercy, even if Mildred wasn't head nurse. Ever since she had become friends with Mildred and learned of her relationship with Gwendolyn, the woman had taken strides to make amends for the baths and her treatment of Mrs. Cartwright. She didn't believe it needed treatment at all, but, like Mildred, would likely play along with the farce to keep the women safe.
Mildred was quiet for a few moments, digesting all of this information, but her brain kept circling to the same question. Why would you keep going to a place that this could happen at?
"Why do women keep opening these bars and visiting them?"
Gwendolyn heard the unspoken part of her question, why would you go?, and tried to answer the best she could, hoping Mildred would understand.
"It's mostly because that's how we meet one another, it can be dangerous to reveal your sexuality to strangers."
Mildred felt a small pinch of guilt as she remembered how she treated Gwendolyn when she first took them to the bar.
"Another reason is the enjoyment that being open brings. I love spending time with you anywhere, but it is nice not only to be able to act like a couple, but not have to be overly cautious and analyze every look or touch I give you."
Mildred understood this well, there were times when she felt that the two of them must look and act like business associates, and there has even been a time or two she is sure she risked them both when she had forgot herself. It was always much nicer and more relaxing to be at the bar for a date.
Gwendolyn could tell Mildred was still tense, she pressed a kiss to her head.
"Darling, we don't have to go anymore if you don't want to. I doubt the bar will be open again anytime soon, if ever, we don't have to find another."
Anything that put them in danger Mildred had a strong aversion to, but this was different and made her feel sad at the thought of never going again. They had made a few friends and it was nice to be able to talk to women like themselves, who understood. It also struck her as unfair that the public are determined to keep them out of public space, but then won't even let them have a place of their own.
She finally shook her head, "No, I like going with you."
Gwendolyn merely hummed and kissed her head once more. She continued to stroke the nurse's back and the woman was slowly beginning to fall asleep.
She arrived in the mind fog between sleep and wakefulness. Instead of a nightmare, all she felt was Gwendolyn fading from under her, the warmth of her body and the softness of her skin was dissipated. Turned to vapor and gone. Mildred was briefly gripped by sleeping paralysis, before she jerked up right.
The sudden movement startled Gwendolyn who was worried she was having an episode, the days events finally catching up. She wasn't prepared when the nurse turned and gripped her face before kissing her with a frenzied passion. One of Mildred's hands slipped from her face and rested on her chest. She separated their mouths just enough to speak against her lips.
"Please."
It was a raw whisper and Gwendolyn wasn't exactly sure what Mildred was pleading for, until the nurse gripped her hand and slipped it between her legs.
The please carried more weight than her mind was able to process now, but she would realize later it was please reassure me we are here, please help me forget, and most importantly, please love me.
Gwendolyn always tried her best to meet those needs.
Here though, she hesitated, worried this may not be what Mildred needs, despite what the nurse wants, afraid of causing more distress to her sensitive lover.
"Please, Gwen, touch me. I need you to touch me."
Mildred's voice was becoming desperate and Gwendolyn felt her resolve break as she slipped two fingers inside of her, she stopped immediately. Mildred winced and even with the water surrounding them she could tell that she wasn't wet enough for this kind of touch. A lust born of fear and adrenaline, rather than love and intimacy, it was tighter and more friction, and Gwendolyn went to withdrawal but the hand cupping her face stopped it.
"No, I need... I need it to..."
Gwendolyn could understand, a little pain can be grounding, but this kind of hurt was to close to aggravating old scars. She left her hand where it was, completely still, bringing her lips to a stiff nipple, tongue swirling and teeth scraping. Pulsing her fingers and palming Mildred's clit, feeling her desire grow, silkier than the water around them.
Satisfied Mildred's body was primed for more, Gwendolyn used her free hand to guide Mildred to ride her fingers. Mildred gripped at her head, keeping it against her chest where Gwendolyn continued to bite and suck the delicate skin, one of Mildred's hands over her shoulder, scraping her nails up her back to her hairline.
The water began to roll in waves, following the current of Mildred's hips, breaking only when they stuttered in response to Gwendolyn's touch.
Mildred's breath began to come in gasps and Gwendolyn started to whisper into her skin, she whispered her love for Mildred, her beauty, how she would never let her go. Mildred's hands tilted her head to bring their lips together, swallowing her cry of release. She shuddered and drug her lips down Gwendolyn's neck to her shoulder, resting them there as her arms wrapped around her gripping her tight.
Gwendolyn eased her through her orgasm before slipping her hand away and running her hands along Mildred's back. She could feel Mildred shaking and her grip wasn't easing up.
"Darling?"
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I left you."
Gwendolyn tried to turn her head, get her to meet her eyes, but the woman's face stayed buried in her neck.
"No, darling, no. I wanted you to run. I told you to run. I couldn't bare it if something happened to you."
Mildred tried to curl in to her further in their meager space.
"What if something had happened to you, Gwen? I've already nearly lost you too many times."
Gwendolyn did not want to stir up the old argument of how none of that had been Mildred's fault, and that if Dolly had never shot her, she surely would have succumbed to the cancer that once ate away at her body. She just held Mildred close and reassured her.
"You haven't though. I could never dream of leaving you, and you seem to have a strong will of keeping me here too. You have given me life, not just with curing my cancer, but by loving me, that is worth all the risk in the world."
Mildred didn't respond but kissed Gwendolyn's neck gently as her breathing began to steady.
"I love you."
Gwendolyn smiled, "I love you too."
They stayed in the tub until the water began to turn cold. Mildred had stopped crying and had calmed down immensely, but still clung to Gwendolyn like a lifeline.
The older woman managed to get them both dry and under the covers, Mildred half laying atop her.
She was struggling to rest, the days events still weighing on her, just as Mildred feared to lose her, she feared to lose Mildred. Edmund had come so close to taking her. Anytime she thought of it, or anything happening to Mildred, it left her buzzing for hours. There were some nights Gwendolyn stayed up to watch over Mildred, afraid of Edmund's miraculous return from the dead, or some other monster from Mildred's past showing up, even in the form of a now rare nightmare. It was foolish but she couldn't help but feel the need to protect her, from anything and everything that threatened her wellbeing. She just needed Mildred to rest and be alright, nothing else mattered.
Gwendolyn was sure the other woman was falling back asleep, finally relaxed enough from the bath, until she felt soft kisses along her neck and Mildred moving onto her hands and knees above her.
"Mildred?"
It wasn't that she didn't want her, that warmth was always right beneath the surface ready to spread into an inferno, but she needed to make sure Mildred was doing better, that her heart was not as heavy as it had been.
Mildred kissed her softly, reassuring her with the tender touch, before she ran her nose along her jaw and brought her lips to her ear, "Shh. Let me love you."
It was a request more than a demand and Gwendolyn nodded her consent.
Mildred's frantic need from earlier had changed into a simmering and burning desire, a need to be thorough and cherish her lover.
Gwendolyn sighed as Mildred's tongue trailed across her collarbone and open mouth kisses trailed down her chest. Her hands caressed Mildred's face and rested gently in her hair.
Mildred was taking her time, there wasn't an inch of Gwendolyn's skin she hadn't touched. A nipple sucked into her mouth, lips dragged down and across the crevice of her elbow, tongue against the sensitive skin of her wrist, kisses to the tips of her fingers. Abdominal and hips tickled from hot breath, thighs and calves touched by soft lips, a round trip back to the juncture between her thighs.
Gwendolyn was panting, her skin was dusted rose with a flush and she felt feverish, arousal trickled down her thighs and onto the sheets as her entire being trembled, body and soul, she felt tears prickle at the corner of her eyes.
When Mildred's mouth finally reached its destination, Gwendolyn cried out and pushed her head back into the pillows. Her tongue glided effortlessly through soaked folds, dipping in to her and gliding up and circling her clit, but never touching it.
Mildred let out a soft moan at her lover's taste as she drank her in, Gwendolyn writhed underneath her. She wrapped one hand around one Gwendolyn had in her hair and twined their fingers together, bringing them to rest on Gwendolyn's abdomen to keep her steady. The other hand slid under her chin and slipped a finger into her.
Gwendolyn gasped above her, "More, please more."
Mildred complied and easily slipped a second and then a third finger into her, finally feeling a bit of a squeeze in the silky walls. She pumped her fingers slowly just barely touching the spot that drove Gwendolyn mad, her tongue still not touching the pearl of flesh it was swirling around. Mildred wanted this to last forever.
Gwendolyn wasn't sure how much more she could handle, she was completely encapsulated in pleasure, but she had reached the peak of building, she needed the pressure to release. She opened her mouth, hoping Mildred could hear her and that she was coherent, all she heard was her heartbeat in her ears and her rapid breath.
"Mildred, please...I can't...I need..."
It was hoarse and scratchy and Mildred took mercy on her. She knew exactly what she needed. She began to curl her fingers right into her front wall, Gwendolyn's hips began to roll down onto her hand, a groan falling from her lips.
Gwendolyn was shaking, so close to release but not quite there, she just needed a little more to tip her over. She wanted to beg Mildred, offer her anything and everything if she would just let her come. All that she managed to get out was a hoarse and broken sob.
The noise that escaped Gwendolyn was the most desperate sound Mildred had ever heard her make. It made her heart throb and core clench and her desire to see Gwendolyn fall apart consumed her.
Mildred kept her fingers at a steady rhythm before she closed her lips around Gwendolyn's clit and sucked, swirling her tongue around the hard flesh. Two more thrusts of her fingers and a few swirls were all it took.
Gwendolyn's breathing picked up to nearly erratic and a soft groan that slowly became a strained moan, so loud that it seemed to come from the very core of her being, erupted from her throat. A tingle in her abdomen that seemed to slowly spread throughout her body as a wave of euphoria washed over her.
Her thighs clamped around Mildred's head, their joined hands squeezed tight and the hand in her hair pulling just on the side of painful. Her entire body was seized with bliss as her breathing stopped and her eyes rolled back.
Gwendolyn was still trembling when her body went slack and her mind began to return to her, she was vaguely aware that she was crying.
Mildred removed her hand and crawled up her body, her face morphed from one of love to concern, she brought their connected hands to her lips and kissed Gwendolyn's knuckles.
"Gwendolyn?" Her voice was trembling, as if she was scared she did something wrong.
Gwendolyn pulled her down for a kiss, her tongue slipping passed Mildred's lips, she could taste herself and her tears. It made her want to cry more, but she had to let Mildred know that nothing was wrong.
"I...they're..." She was going to say happy tears but that wasn't quite right. She kissed Mildred again and pulled her as close as possible, before trying to explain her feelings.
"That was overwhelming, in the best of ways, I've never quite felt that way before."
She hoped Mildred understood, their love was always something precious and no matter how they were together it was overwhelming, but this was just something more.
She certainly wanted to say more, like how she had never experienced an orgasm like that or how vulnerable but connected she felt to Mildred in that moment. She didn't have the words to describe it, as if it was something to sacred and could never be spoken of.
Mildred held her eyes for a moment before smiling and kissing her softly.
"I understand," and she did.
Their love was always pure and bursting with emotion, but sometimes, at times like this, they reached so far into one another, further than a person is meant to, touching the stardust that makes up a soul. The first time they made love Mildred had felt it, and even now there were times when she felt the rawest and most intangible part of their love.
Gwendolyn wiped her eyes and pulled Mildred to her chest, kissing her temple as the two of them wrapped around one another, the anxiety and tension of the evening gone, replaced by the feeling of the warmth and comfort of their love that was lulling them to sleep.
"I love you."
Mildred smiled and kissed the patch of skin on Gwendolyn's sternum before closing her eyes, thankful they once again beat a force that attempted to pull them apart. Their love was everlasting and each victory only proved that fact further.
"I love you too."