Work Text:
dropped your hand while dancing, left you there standing, crestfallen on the landing, champagne problems
It wasn’t his fault.
She had built this night up as a fairytale. They’d been friends nearly their entire life. He’d seen her trip and fall when running around in his gardens. He’d been there to pick her up everytime she stumbled when learning to ride a broom. He’d watched as his mum healed her cuts after the thorns from the roses in the mazes they chased each other around in broke her delicate skin.
He’d watched her grow up as she’d watched him, and while she now saw him for the young man he was, she worried he still saw the little girl with the missing tooth who was playing dress up, pretending to be grown up when she was still a child. She worried he’d never get that image out of his head.
Even though he’d seen her at balls before, with his mum throwing a yearly New Years ball at Malfoy Manor, they’d always been surrounded by their parents, gushing over them as if they were dolls for them to amuse themselves with. She could hear her mum’s voice in her head ‘ Doesn’t Pansy look beautiful in this dress I picked up in Milan, and Draco looks dashing of course. Look at them together ’ and on and on, looking as though she wanted to pick up her daughter and the boy next to her and place them on a shelf where she could look at them, the match being the greatest achievement of her life.
And maybe that’s what her mum thought, that the arrangement between them and the betrothal contract signed when they were so young they couldn’t even say each other’s names, was the culmination of Lady Parkinson’s life work. That Pansy had achieved everything she could by the time she’d turned one and that all that was left was to be the perfect counterpart to the Malfoy heir.
But that was what her mum wanted.
Growing up, Pansy had looked up to Draco, even though they were the same age. She respected his mind and the way he led everyone effortlessly, and even though their parents had decided they were perfect together, she wanted him to think that, for a mutual respect. She wanted Draco to look at her and be proud and to think she was deserving. She’d waited for the chance, one away from their parents. However, sitting in class didn’t provide it and while dates in Hogsmeade were nice, there was a casualness that didn’t allow for growth- not in the way she wanted.
So when the Yule Ball was announced, Pansy knew it would be the perfect chance for him to look at her and realize she was a young lady now, that she was and wasn’t the same girl he’d grown up with- to keep the familiarness of her and the comfort but to be rid of the child he saw her as.
She’d prepared for months, picking a pink dress- her mother always said she’d looked good in pink-, making sure to pick out the biggest diamonds from her family’s vaults to show that she was ready to assume the powerful position standing next to the heir of the most powerful and rich family in the Wizarding World. She styled her hair and makeup the way she’d seen her mum and the other women in Pureblood Society do, giving off the appearance that she was years older than her 14.
And yet, when Pansy reached the staircase leading into the Great Hall, Draco’s eyes never met hers. His eyes were stuck on someone else, someone who had never been at the exclusive parties his mum threw- someone who didn’t have access to generations of family jewelry or knowledge of Pureblood customs. Someone who hadn’t planned for this night for years.
Without a single thought towards him, Hermione Granger had stolen Draco Malfoy’s attention for the night.
She had tried to ignore it as best she could. Pansy walked down the stairs, looking down, so that she could imagine he was looking in awe towards her. She gently touched his shoulder, imaging that her touch sent shivers down him the way his gray eyes focused on her did. She pretended when Draco said “You look beautiful,” that it sounded different than the countless times she’d heard it over the years, under the supervision of his parents and hers.
But Pansy couldn’t pretend when they were dancing, and this time, he was staring past her, unfocused on her, his hands barely touching her, as if he didn’t want to feel him on her, as if he couldn’t bear to be seen with someone who wasn’t the belle of the ball- Malfoy’s always deserved the best.
It wasn’t Draco’s fault, the love she wanted, the feelings she wanted was not required but still Pansy could feel her heart break. She’d tried so hard to be the perfect Malfoy wife. It was the one thing that had been drilled into her head for as long as she could remember, and still she’d failed.
Before she let him see, she dropped his hands, turned around and walked off the dance floor, leaving him behind. She finally had Draco’s attention.
your mom’s ring in your pocket, my picture in your wallet, your heart was glass I dropped it, champagne problems
Maybe she hadn’t gone about it in the best way. But no matter how grown up she pretended she was, no matter how much she tried to emulate the energy of Lady Malfoy and the other grown women of Pureblood society, she was still just a teenage girl.
She was a teenage girl who knew the boy she was meant to marry was thinking about another girl, however unconscious those thoughts were. And so through the years, Pansy fed him words that were meant to poison those thoughts, to make them disappear.
It started with the Witch Weekly articles after the second challenge in the Triwizard Cup their fourth year. She made sure he read them, ignoring the way he seemed to clench his jaw the first time and the way he glared at the curly haired witch with a bit of betrayal in his eyes before he reigned in his emotion.
Pansy thought it would be easy, show him that the witch he was unknowingly pining for wasn’t even thinking of him and he would let her loose. Malfoy’s always got what they wanted and if they didn’t, then well, they didn’t actually want it. But instead of ignoring Granger, like Pansy expected, she noticed Draco watching the way Granger interacted with Potter, as if he was looking for any attachment between them.
So she changed focus, screaming about how unappealing the witch was, making their classmates around them laugh. Letting Draco subtly know that no one around them respected the Gryffindor witch and that to be with her, was to become the laughing stock of their peers, and nobody ever laughed at Malfoys. Pansy watched as he joined in the mocking, and ignored the way it felt more as though he was motivated by a need to hurt Granger for not noticing him the way he was starting to notice her. If she ignored that, she could pretend it was a victory.
And it worked for a while. It felt as though the Yule Ball was a one time thing, and things returned to the way it was before.
But as the years passed, she noticed him noticing Granger more.
Fifth year, betrothal contracts that had been drawn when they had been children were finalized as they turned 16, but still Pansy watched as Draco unwillingly paid more and more attention to the Gryffindor. Still with the addition of the Inquisitorial Squad, Draco was back to leading their house and she was right beside him, the way it was meant to be. He took pleasure in having power others craved and she enjoyed knowing that she was leading with him, looking down on the others around them, looking down on Granger. Fifth year was okay, Draco and Pansy had the power they had been promised and were not afraid to yield it to their convenience.
But with the end of fifth year, came the return of the Dark Lord and with his father’s arrest, Draco was forced to assume the role of head of the family. It catapulted him into a role he wasn’t ready for, and it left her behind. He was never meant to lead the family alone, not without her.
Sixth year, Pansy watched him break down, working for the Dark Lord to keep his family safe, to keep himself alive, but warring with a part of him that knew succeeding would mean hurting the muggleborn witch he couldn’t help but not hate. She knew it was hurting him, but Pansy nonetheless whispered in his ears the gossip she’d heard.
That Weasley was dating some other girl.
That Granger was jealous and wasn’t talking to Weasley.
She’d mentioned that part to show him that Granger clearly had feelings for the red headed boy but instead Draco seemed happy to see the wedge between them.
She told him she’d heard Granger was going on a date to Slughorn’s Christmas party. He ignored her. Then she tried to ignore him but ended up watching as he snuck out that night. Pansy ignored the way she followed him as he walked towards Slughorn’s party. She tried to tell herself he was just heading towards the room he’d spent the entire year working in and not towards the curly haired girl. She left as she watched him stand in the hallway outside the party, leaning against the wall as if wishing he was on the other side and with the girl he was trying so hard to hate.
She watched his heart break and then his eyes harden as she told him later that year that Weasley and Granger were friends again and that everyone seemed to think they were dating.
She tried to ignore the petty, cruel part of her that enjoyed watching his heart break when after the war, news articles spoke of the way that Weasley and Granger were soulmates- that the two war heroes were perfect for each other. Pansy ignored the part of her that was filled with hope, watching him burn article after article speculating when the two would get engaged, or whether they’d have a big family like the Weasleys were known for. She pretended that the emotion she saw in his eyes had turned from pain to anger at the thought of the curly haired witch and that with the burning of the newspapers, he was burning away the space that that witch occupied in him, leaving it open for her, where she had always been meant to be.
And over time, she knew she’d succeeded in one manner. He finally started looking at her again. He gave her the family ring, he’d slipped it on her finger. Draco invited Pansy to events where she acted the part of the perfect Pureblood she was raised as, and he stood tall next to her as they announced their betrothal to the world, years after the contracts had been signed.
Pansy was finally in the spot she was meant to be, and all it had taken was breaking Draco’s heart.
you told your family for a reason you couldn’t keep it in
She knew she wasn’t supposed to be there. She was meant to still be in the ballroom, surrounded by their friends.
Now she knew why they said don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to.
He’d been pulling away for months, no years now. She knew that, but she’d figured he’d be back to normal eventually and that the easy friendship they’d shared as children would allow for a future for them.
But as Pansy stood there in the corridor, hidden by the shadows from the giant door leading into the library, she knew there would be no future for them. Not like the one she’d planned. Not like the one she’d been raised expecting. She never needed the type of love that keeps you on your toes or makes you want to dance in the rain. She’d never believed in the type of love that makes you risk everything, the type of love where you feel like you’re drowning and you’d drown willingly just for one second with that special person.
All she’d wanted was the kind of love grown from respect and maybe some affection. Growing up, she’d seen what the marriage contracts had done to her parents- she’d seen the hate brewing on each of their faces, heard the screaming that left her shaking and felt their hate towards each other turn into resentment for her, the one thing that linked them and reminded them of the other person, no matter how far apart their separate houses were.
She’d thought she could have the kind of love she wanted with Draco.
They’d been friends growing up. She’d been by his side through it all, through the childhood struggles he’d faced, like being attacked by the hippogriff, or him losing quidditch match after match to Potter and the disappointment he felt each time, thinking about all the hours of practice he’d put in for the same result. She’d been his silent partner when he’d been tasked by the Dark Lord to kill Dumbledore, and even though he’d never shared his struggles, she had been there for him, comforting him in his darkest moments.
Pansy knew he respected her, maybe even loved her in the way she craved. Loved her in a way she knew meant he’d always protect her, just as he had when they were younger and she needed an escape from her house.
Now he’d found that mythical love she didn’t know existed, and maybe in the end Draco would still end up with her, but his heart would belong to another. And even though she’d never wanted his heart, it broke her perfect future to know it belonged to someone else.
And so standing in that corridor, hearing him bare his heart and confess that he loved another, hearing him plead for their marriage contract to be broken, Pansy felt her perfect future fall apart, leaving behind uncertainty and a darkness she’d hoped to escape.
now no one’s celebrating, no crowd of friends applauded, your hometown skeptics called it
They broke off the engagement. Looking back, she wasn’t sure who had made the final call or who had even started the conversation.
She remembered withdrawing. She remembered Draco making uncomfortable small talk. They had always been open with each other- as open as the culture they were raised within allowed them to be.
Pansy remembered how the quiet quickly turned into loud screams, as she felt her worst nightmares come to light. What was once just a feeling that maybe he wasn’t as content in the futures that had been painted for them by their parents was now a reality.
She’d been raised to always be prepared and after the war, she’d decided to never let anyone around them control her or their future again, but here she was, losing her grip on everything. The worst part was that the one person who was supposed to be by her side was the one causing the disarray.
The presents he’d given her as per the courting rituals thrown at his head while she yelled at him to leave. She remembers having to tiptoe around her room, scared of stepping on the glass she’d shattered, while breaking everything she could find.
The months that followed were a combination of ones where she was silent and withdrawn, not letting anyone in- not that anyone tried other than Draco- and ones where she begged him to come back and then screamed at him when he returned, but not to be with her, only to see if she was okay.
For the first time in their lives, Pansy didn’t know what she wanted. It had always been an expectation that she was being raised to be Draco’s perfect wife. But he wasn’t the man he had been raised to be, so without him to fill the role of her husband, where did Pansy stand?
Slowly, she began to calm down, the days she was quiet and withdrawn outnumbering the days she was screaming and begging him to come back.
The engagement party was called off. The wedding plans were destroyed. Nobody talked about it, everyone avoiding the topic as if waiting for her to crack in public. It never happened. She was not meant to be Lady Malfoy but she had been raised that way and that was the way she would act. There were articles about it of course, but no speculations, the Malfoy name being enough to keep them from being gossiped about, at least in the open.
you had a speech you’re speechless, love slipped beyond your reaches, and I couldn’t give a reason, champagne problems
this dorm was once a madhouse, I made a joke ‘well it’s made for me’ how evergreen, our group of friends, don’t think we’ll say that word again
With losing Draco, she never realized she’d lose her friends too.
Well, she never really lost them, but the ease with which they’d spent evenings together was lost. It wasn’t just Pansy. Where there was once a comfort surrounding them, knowing that with this group, they could be themselves, having grown up together and knowing what they knew about each other, now there was a tense silence. They were no longer the children that had grown up in the Slytherin common rooms, but rather each of them broken in their own ways.
Maybe they were drifting apart, the feeling of being alone and isolated from the other houses in the school no longer binding them together.
Or maybe she was the only one feeling it. Feeling broken as she watched everyone else grow and move on from the wreck the war left behind, while she was left with no floor under her feet.
Pansy’s role had always been beside Draco, but now who was she?
He was moving on. The others were growing beside him. Maybe they weren’t leaving her behind, maybe she just didn’t fit in anymore. Maybe she only belonged in the past, and there was no place for her in the future, with someone else, someone less broken taking her spot next to him.
I never was ready so I watch you go
Pansy could feel her life happening around her, as if she was sitting back and everyone was moving around her. Her head spun from how fast everyone was moving while she felt stuck.
The last time she’d felt this was during the final battle. Pansy had been stuck in the castle for months without the one person, Draco, who she’d come to rely on even when he’d never fully relied on her. With him gone, she had been lost. Her parents never spoke to her, with them being caught up in the Dark Lord’s presence, and with Pansy and her parents, it had been out of sight, out of mind. So she’d been alone and fearful for the future. When the Dark Lord won, and it was an inevitability, would she be forced to host him in her house for months on end, the way the current Lady Malfoy did? Would Draco be the Dark Lord’s right hand man? Would her child be forced away on missions? Her future was uncertain and her present was dizzying.
And so when she heard the man’s frightfully loud high pitched voice resonate through the walls at Hogwarts, the only thing she could think of was to give him what he wanted. Keep him away for a little longer. Stay a child a little longer. Don’t let the future invade the castle where she was hidden. Pansy hadn’t thought of what everyone else wanted.
She was a Slytherin, raised on ambition.
She was a lady of Pureblood Society, raised to take care of yourself and your own first.
She was a future Malfoy wife, raised on family first.
That day, the values Pansy had been proudly raised on didn’t work and she had been swept away to the dungeons, trapped there as she could hear the screams through the castle, and feel the building shaking and breaking. She had been frozen, waiting for the outcome of the war, knowing that regardless of how the war ended, her future was uncertain and she had no say in it. She had been raised to hold balls, to raise heirs and to help her family remain on top, with the power they had always held. She had not been raised to fight in a war. She had not been raised to bow down to a master who looked at them as disposable. Whether the war ended in her side winning or it ended in them losing, she was not prepared for what the future held.
She felt the same now. Pansy had been at a ball once before where Draco Malfoy had been unable to keep his eyes off of the witch he was meant to hate.
But this ball was different, and somehow just as painful.
Pansy watched the man that was meant to be her future walk up to the brunette curly haired witch in the silver dress. She watched as their hesitant hellos turned into gentle confused smiles. She watched as over the night, their smiles turned into unreserved laughs and that led into Draco twirling Granger around the dance floor the way he had watched her being twirled around their 4th year.
she would’ve made such a lovely bride what a shame she’s fucked in the head
She could feel all the whispers around her. Nobody said anything out loud, given that after the War it was no longer appropriate to discuss the qualities a Malfoy wife should have, the way it was freely discussed once. It had been an unspoken rule that she must be Pureblood and grown up in the high society. But those things had fallen down with the reign of the Dark Lord, and for that she was grateful. No one wanted to hear out loud to their face of how they were meant to be perfect, but had fallen short.
Pansy was beautiful. She knew that. Men stared at her when she walked by. She was dripping in pearls and diamonds and emeralds, the epitome of rich and young and sophisticated, as she had been raised. She was still the ideal bride for some of the families she had been raised around.
So the whispers asked, why had the Malfoy heir left her for the loudspoken war hero who didn’t seem to know how to control her hair or what fit of clothes looked best on her? No one mentioned muggleborn, they wouldn’t dare suggest blood status was a factor in why the young woman was unsuitable, especially not in the new political climate, one Purebloods were desperately trying to fit in. Not out of fairness, or justice, but as a way to always come out on top. Why was Malfoy besotted with the woman he had been raised to hate, when the one he had been raised to marry was right there, looking like the perfect Lady Malfoy?
And so the whispers turned from those questions to wondering what was wrong with her . Pansy knew eventually they’d question what she’d done wrong to drive him away. She knew eventually they’d wonder if she was broken.
Slowly she let those whispers wash over her, learning to ignore them. It would take time but she would heal.
Pansy may still not believe in the fairytale kind of love, and she may no longer long for the respectful affectionate partnership she’d longed for with Draco, but it had taken a while and Pansy knew that she did believe in herself, because at the end of the day, she only really had herself.
She would take time and she would heal.
She would get rid of any lingering feelings for the future she’d been raised to believe she’d had.
And maybe she was broken like the whispers would ask, but who’s to say broken things can’t be made to work again.
and hold your hand while dancing, never leave you standing, crestfallen on the landing with champagne problems
As Pansy worked on building herself back again, she noticed the space with her old friends opening to hold her again. She once again found herself laughing at their jokes and she once again found herself able to look them in the eyes. There were days where she needed silence,where she imagined the future she had been meant to have, and she felt the sting of rejection and burning heat of embarrassment, but those days reduced in number.
Soon she found herself going out shopping with the other women. Pansy found herself accepting invitations to different social events ranging from professional Quidditch matches, to nights out in pubs, something she’d never imagined her future would hold, but a nice break from what was socially acceptable for women of her standing.
With learning to love herself and think of herself as an individual and not just an accessory for someone else, she learned to accept her actions in the past.
It took time but she made the rounds, finally apologizing to Potter for trying to turn him over. It had been years at this point, and their social circles had entwined with Draco and Granger’s relationship, so it had been easy for Potter to accept her apology. Pansy finally felt a weight lift off her chest and the world that had used to spin around while she remained frozen started to slow down.he started to move among those surrounding her.
It took a few years but she started accepting invitations from men to dinners and some of those dinners led to nights spent in bed with men that worshipped her the way she had started to believe she deserved.
The last step was accepting an invitation to the Malfoy New Years’ Ball that Pansy had stopped attending when her engagement had ended.
It wasn’t that she still coveted the role of Lady Malfoy, rather she wasn’t fully ready to hear the whispers of the people she’d grown up around. Pansy hadn’t been ready to see the disappointment on her mother’s face as Draco led around a witch that wasn’t her. But this was the year to put that all behind her.
She wasn’t meant for him and more importantly, he hadn’t been meant for her.
So she dressed herself up in a beautiful black gown, no longer wearing the pinks her mother had convinced her had been best for her, and she wore her hair down, free, with light jewelry that didn’t weigh her down.
She walked in alone and stood next to her best friends, no longer watching to see if a man she never loved was looking at her. Instead, she grabbed a glass of champagne for herself, ignored the stares and whispers of the women her mother was friends with, and let herself be free to enjoy herself with those she loved, finally unburdened from the expectations of her childhood.
And maybe out of the corner of her eye, Pansy watched the man she once believed to be her future, no longer out of jealousy or envy, but pure curiosity.
From the moment Draco had walked up to Granger to say hello, Pansy noticed there was always one part of them touching. Her hand on his shoulder, his arm set outwards for her to hold onto, his hand gently guiding her from the small of her back as they talked to their respective groups of friends. It wasn’t conscious on their part, just as if they were connected and they didn’t know how to exist without one part of them grounding them to the other.
She waited for the heat to form within her, signalling any jealousy, but it never came. Instead all she felt was a small contentedness that her childhood best friend had found someone to share his future with- someone he had chosen for himself.
your mom’s ring in your pocket, her picture in your wallet, you won’t remember all my champagne problems
The next few years saw many major events, including the wedding between Draco and Granger. It saw the birth of their first child. It saw them leading the charge in building up the Wizarding World.
But perhaps more quietly, it saw Pansy growing into herself.
Raised to one day hold parties at Malfoy Manor for the rich and privileged, she now organized parties to raise funds for those who needed it. Raised to be silent and poised, she now used it to navigate the division between those who had accepted the world they were living in and those in the Society she was raised within that remained stuck to the old ways. Raised to one day help lead, she influenced the choices made by those stuck in the old ways showing them reform was the path they should choose.
Pansy had taken everything she was meant to be and put those skills to good use, just in a way she’d never imagined. She’d taken what it meant to be a Pureblood Princess and redefined it. She’d taken the expectations thrust upon her when she was born and shattered them.
The world was changing and so would the society she was born in, she’d make sure of it. She refused to see another little girl grow up thinking that her entire worth was based on supporting the heir to a great family, was based on being a beautiful bride, not when that little girl had the potential to be great all on her own. She refused to see another generation grow up the way she had.
And one day Pansy would choose from the men pursuing her, when she was ready. But rather than letting them lead and supporting them as she had grown up believing she’d do, Pansy would pick someone who would support her and stand by her side.
She’d been raised to hold power and power she would hold.