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Post Blue
His hand reaches for the cut on her rib and brushes the underside of her breast, making her shiver slightly.
“Sorry,” Cassian whispers, averting his eyes.
“No problem,” she answers and tries to focus on the sting of antiseptic, the vibration of the hull under her, everything but his fingers on her skin. When he applies the bacta patch under her shoulder blade, she bites her lips and closes her eyes. His breath on her neck and the light circle he is drawing on her back to make sure the patch will hold shouldn't affect her that way.
Just a few minutes before, she was fighting two Niktos heavily armed with only a cheap plastoid breastplate to protect her and a dull kukri to attack so she should be grateful to be alive and safe and just enjoy her break, not feel all hot and bothered because her partner is taking care of her wounds.
Maybe she could blame the adrenaline rush. It messes with her senses because she's still too aware of everything around her. Or maybe she could just admit to herself that Cassian makes her want things she has usually no interest in. But even if she does, it doesn't change anything. She remembers all too well his rejection or at least, his clear avoidance to see her the same way she sees him not so long ago.
Still, when he reaches again for her ribs and she feels his fingers linger, she tenses once more and bites her tongue hard. He's just tending her wounds, nothing more, nothing less, no matter how much she wants his hands to explore her body.
“Do you prefer we wait until we're on Home One?”
“What?”
Cassian isn't really distant but when she turns around to face him, he avoids meeting her eyes, clearly upset.
“It's not a huge cut and I understand it's not in a place where...”
“It's okay, Cassian. I know you're not trying to grope me.”
Her tone is harsher than it should and Jyn clenches her teeth, frustrated with herself beyond belief. And of course, Cassian takes it for himself and withdraws some more.
Before he can close the medikit, she grabs his hand and forces her shoulders to relax and her face to smooth out all traces of annoyance.
“Really, Cassian. Just do what you have to do. I don't want to go to the medbay later.”
He nods and motions for her to turn around before he lifts the front of her torn shirt and inspects the cut on her side once more. It's not that the wound is deep because, mostly her skin was scalped along her ribs but it's still ugly and bloody, even after the bacta patch.
“You need closure strips,” he finally says after having inspect to whole length of the cut. Jyn nods numbly because of course she needs strips and of course, he wants to do it himself and since she's just said she didn't want to wait for Home One's medbay, she has to remove her shirt and lay down, topless while he tapes close the skin under her left breast. With all the bacta he's already spent on her, he won't apply some more here just to protect her modesty. No problem. Really. She'd do the same thing if the situation was inverted.
So with careful movements, she lies down on her side to avoid reopening the worst of her back's wounds and she focuses on covering herself to avoid facing Cassian. Her shirt is rumpled on her chest but it's better than nothing and when he begins laving her ribs with another antiseptic cream, she closes her eyes and starts counting how many hits the Niktos managed to land before her back-up blows them up.
“You shouldn't have been there by yourself,” Cassian says as he begins to patch her up. “The Pathfinders could have spared one or two soldiers to help you with the diversion.”
“Yeah, well, we were two, but we couldn't know there was a Bounty on Gwaney's head, so we had to improvise. And they weren't that far behind anyway. Do you get what you needed?”
He hums noncommittally, clearly not pleased by her change of subject, but he can't really blame her for her actions and they both know it. The main reason she's hurt is because the plastoid armor supposed to protect her broke badly and wounded her in the process.
“When I'm finished here, you could look at the data if you want. It's encrypted but I don't think it'll be a problem for you.”
“Are you asking for my help?” she teases, because it's a good thing to focus on, because she always likes that he needs her, because she wants to hear him say he wants to spend more time with her. She's pathetic but at least, she's not trying to have him interested in more than her mind. That's progress.
“I merely offer you something to distract you because I know you don't like to stay idle. And you already had a day bad enough with that cut and my meddling.”
His depreciative tone hurts way more than any blow she received today and that's probably why she says, “I don't mind your fussing, Cassian, and don't pretend you don't know how much I like your hands on me.”
She tries to force a laugh, like she is totally joking, but he stills anyway and Jyn inwardly cringes.
“Sorry, I'll shut up.”
And to avoid any more awkwardness, she closes her eyes and refuses to think about her own stupidity. Not even a week ago, she made a fool of herself by trying to change their relationship and even if they managed to not be awkward around each other, she really should take a hint. She shouldn't push him. She had lain on their shared bed in only a towel after a shower, using the fact they were trapped together in a room and Cassian never even acknowledged her, so it was pretty clear.
If he wasn't interested then, he isn't going to be now when she's injured, bloody and dirty. She shouldn't try to get more than his friendship, his trust and his overall kindness.
Still, the rejection hurts. Of course, he doesn't owe her any explanation, but the passivity of his refusal is kind of feeble, like he doesn't even respect her enough to say no. She'll understand if he tells her he doesn't see her that way. He doesn't seem to be the type of person who's overly interested in other people, at least, not in the physical sense of things, so yeah, she could take his rejection well enough. If only there is an explicit rejection. But of course, this is Cassian. So, everything has to be silenced, even his disinterest.
When he's finished, he hovers a bit, like he doesn't know what to do or say and it feels worse than everything else today. She'd like to cover up, but her shirt is ruined, even if she doesn't care much of the blood stains. The realization of not being able to dress properly sends a jolt of panic up her back but she squashes it just like she squashes her feelings. Even if she has to stay half naked for the duration of the trip back, it is not really important. Nobody will bother her here, and when they arrive Home One, she'll probably find someone to lend her a jacket or something. She’ll be okay, it won’t be a problem for long.
Taking a deep breath, she begins to sit up and she feels Cassian’s hand back on her, probably trying to help again, and it burns even more than before. He opens his mouth, like he wants to say something but closes it quickly, his eyes avoiding her.
“Thanks,” she mumbles stupidly as she wraps an arm around her good side in a futile attempt to protect her modesty. Cassian nods before leaving and she feels suddenly so tired she regrets moving. If she had stayed down, she could have slept a bit and forgets about this mess. She can still close her eyes and rest.
Nobody dares reaching for her for a long time, and then, with so much caution she should have been offended, Kes appears by the door.
“I found you a shirt, if you want. It’s not really clean, but it’s better than…”
He moves his hand weirdly, clearly uncomfortable by the topic and by his presence here so Jyn forces a smile and thanks him.
“Mine is totally ruined, so I won’t be picky.”
“Yeah, I guessed it wouldn’t resist Cassian.”
The joke falls heavily between them, because of course, he doesn’t know. Just like anyone with two eyes, he noticed her very obvious crush months ago and he spent hours during their travel together teasing her about it, so sure she had a chance. But, well. He was wrong.
He brings the smelly shirt to her (not clean at all but in one piece, without blood or hole) and he sits by her feet to let her change without intruding.
“What happened?” he asks in that concerned voice she rarely hears outside of mission and she’d have shrugged if her ribs weren’t covered with a lousy patch of tape to fix her skin close. With slow movements, she puts on the shirt he gave her and once she feels a bit more like a normal person, she says, “Nothing happened. You know Cassian as well as I do. I tried and I failed.”
Kes makes a low noise she can’t interpret and moves to another subject all together because, really, she doesn’t want to talk about it, or think about it, and there're matters way more important than her bruised pride and mended heart. The rest of the Pathfinders were not too injured, but Gwaney is scared shitless because of that bounty. Soon, they’ll have to dig around to understand what happened and how to deal with it. Fortunately, Kes doesn’t ask her to work with Intelligence in order to get the bottom of this mess.
Then, with a friendly pat on the knee, Kes stands up and makes his way out of the cargo hold to join the others in the galley. She could join them, of course, but she wants to stay alone but a bit. She thinks she hears some kind of ruffle, like two people arguing in angry whispers but she can’t understand what is said or by who, so she doesn’t bother. She closes her eyes again, enjoying the calm around her, but it isn’t long before she feels a presence.
Barely lifting her eyelids, she’s surprised to see Cassian standing awkwardly in front of her. He looks just as uncomfortable as Kes has, and it is quite laughable because Cassian is never uncomfortable, especially with her. Or has she succeeded at disgusting him?
He fidgets with the datapad in his hands as if not sure what to do with it and Jyn takes pity on him by holding out a hand.
“That’s the encrypted data you told me about?”
She hopes her voice doesn’t show any of her resentment but seeing how Cassian stood frozen, she must have failed. Slowly, he hands her the pad and sits beside her, on her good side to show her the files. There is a password to access the content, but she knows how to get an unlocker program easily. She searches for a link and breaks the first level of encryption in a few seconds. Cassian hovers beside her, silent as ever, so she moves on and looks at the lines of text in front of her because she has no idea why he's still there.
There’s a pattern in that data; she just needs to find which one it is. Too bad they’re still in space. If she were on base, with access to a real terminal, she could work more easily, but even like that, she reduces the main tab and opens another to try different keys. Most codes are numbers based, so she just needs to test on a few words to see when it begins to make sense. It is like a game. As she runs different combinations, she feels Cassian’s breath on her neck, warm and comforting in a way it shouldn’t be. She focuses on the task in front of her and tries to not think of how close Cassian is or how his eyes are on her make her feel. She can't be distracted now.
The ship jolts when they get out of the hyperspace lane and an alarm rings loudly, making them both jump, the datapad forgotten. Then Zal's voice reassures them of a minor dysfunction of the Ion engines and the blaring noise stops even if the ship continues to rock uncomfortably. Not an attack. They both breathe in relief.
When she goes to sit down, Jyn loses her footing and slides ungracefully on Cassian. He wraps an arm around her waist and before she can hiss in pain, he lowers his hand to her hip. She tenses, ashamed to once more forcing herself on him but instead of helping her to the bench, he presses on her back, effectively embracing her from behind. Her own fingers find his before she can think better and she breathes her thanks, not trusting her voice. She shouldn’t stay like that, but the ship's cruise isn't smooth yet and she can't rely much on her bruise side to counterbalance the movement.
“I’m sorry,” Cassian mumbles on to her hair and Jyn doesn’t know what to do. She doesn’t understand where it came from and just as she opens her mouth to ask what he’s talking about, he adds, “I don’t know how to deal with you.”
Her heart stops, and she feels cold all over. She struggles to put distance between them, but Cassian’s grip only tightens.
“Please, Jyn.”
She stops moving at the desperation in his voice.
“What…”
“I need to know.”, he says a bit frantic, “I can’t be with you like that because you're bored and need to pass time. I need to know I can trust you.”
Jyn stiffens and answers in what is supposed to be a calm and just a little disappointed voice, “I thought I’ve already earned that.”
Cassian chuckles darkly behind her and she refuses to shiver.
“I trust you with my life and you know it. But can I trust you with my heart, too?”
This time, Jyn squishes the urge to lash out, but she can’t pretend to be cool anymore.
“Well, since you already broke mine, it’s a bit ironic to ask me that, don’t you think?”
He sighs and reluctantly, relents his grip on her hips to sit down.
“That’s why I’m sorry. I thought… I never imagined you could…”
He hesitates and hides his face by bowing his head, suddenly fascinated by the tip of his boots.
“I just thought you tried to seduce me for a night. I never thought you could be serious about it.”
This time, it is Jyn who sighs heavily as she sits beside him.
“Nice of you to think of me like that.”
“It’s not a bad thing,” he says quickly, “you have every right to want an affair with anyone just for fun and…”
“Yeah, as long as it’s not with you. Don’t worry I got it!”
She tries to stay calm, she really does. He’s not insulting her, she knows that because there’s nothing insulting in rejecting her, nor in suggesting she enjoys changing partners as she changes socks. But she feels insulted all the same.
“I can’t do that with you, Jyn. I don’t want something quick and quickly forgotten. I can’t.”
Slowly, he lifts his head and peeks at her face shyly and finally, it dawns on her.
“And who says that I just wanted something like that?” she asks with a half-smile because this is ridiculous.
He shrugs bashfully.
“No one, but I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea you'd want me for more.”
She blinks stupidly because she can’t believe what he just said. Then he ducks his head, clearly embarrassed and her mouth twitches upward as she kneels down to face him.
“And what makes you finally realize how stupid you are?”
His eyes go to the ceiling and his hands grip the bench hard.
“Kes may have had a word or two…”
Jyn blinks again, “What word?”
Cassian shrugs again so she reaches for his hand and smiles brightly, “Do you prefer I ask him?”
He groans but doesn’t let go of her hand.
“He more or less remarked I was a karking idiot for not seeing how lucky I was and insisted way too much on the fact you were raised on Ord Mantell and that you never let anyone tend your wound but me.”
Jyn's eyebrows knit and she's ready to ask for an explanation, because it doesn't make sense but Cassian adds, “I should have understood it alone. But since you were never shy or prude with me, I thought... well, I didn't think about it. Only when he mentioned it, it clicked.”
“What click?”
“That maybe you wouldn't lie in a towel in someone else's bed.”
She scoffs then narrows her eyes.
“Did you tell Kes about that?”
Cassian looks at her in horror.
“No, of course not!!”
“Then... how...”
Jyn's brow knit again and Cassian lifts his free hand to smooth it.
“He insisted on how I shouldn't have let you with a ruined shirt since you're from Ord Mantell, that I should know better.” He sighs again. “He was right, of course. Just because you don't mind I see you doesn't mean you don't mind the others.”
She smiles because, really, Kes is a good friend.
“So,” she asks after a beat, “where does that let us?”
She keeps her eyes on their interlocked fingers, neither of them seemingly wanting to let go.
“Wherever you want, I'd say. As long as you're gentle with my heart.”
His bashful smile makes her own heart stutter. But she refuses to back down and because she can, she smirks at him and bends just enough to whisper in his ear, “You do realize that by lying on your bed, I wasn't trying to say in any way I was after your heart, right?”
“Which is exactly why I couldn't give you what you seemed to want. It's a complete package, Jyn. You can't have one without the other.”
He looks at her dead in the eye and she shakes her head with a stupid smile.
“And here I was, thinking about how to make myself clear without freaking you out by asking too much...”
They face each other in silence, because what is there left to say? Cassian looks down, clearly uncomfortable so she adds, “I don't mean to be rude, but sometimes, you're so dense it's eerie.”
“Yeah, well, you weren't that bright either if you truly thought I wasn't mad about you,” he counters without any bite.
“So?”
A bubble of laughter goes up her throat and she can't repress it but her ribs are killing her, and she knows the stripes are still fresh so she takes a deep breath to swallow it but to no avail. Cassian is laughing too but his eyes are concerned.
“We're hopeless,” Jyn concludes between a vince and a choked laugh and Cassian wraps his arm around her to hug her.
“Not hopeless, just very bad. But we could try to get better if you want.”
She snakes her arms under his jacket and puts her head on his shoulder, enjoying freely his warmth.
“You know I do, so when we're back, don't ignore me after I take a shower.”
He kisses her temple quickly.
“I won't.”
It sounds like a promise.