Chapter Text
In hindsight, Lio should have known it was a bad idea because Gueira had been the one to suggest it. He blamed his poor reasoning on a combination of inebriation, seasonal depression, and anxiety about returning to his parents’ home for Christmas. Maybe getting drunk on a Tuesday night wasn’t the responsible, adult thing to do, but Lio had just finished what would be his last work shift until he returned from visiting his family. Besides that, it was also his last night to see Meis and Gueira for a while, and their furniture had always seemed infinitely more comfortable than his own. The two of them still had work the following day, so it wasn’t like they could go out somewhere to celebrate, but Lio was more than happy to sit in their living room and spend a quiet evening with his favorite people.
“It’s going to be awful.” Lio sighed heavily and slumped into the couch, cradling a mostly empty beer bottle to his chest with both hands. “The only silver lining is that my sister just got divorced, so we can both be huge disappointments to the family this year.”
“Has your mom still got that trophy husband?” Gueira asked. He was sitting next to Lio but in the opposite position, lying on his back with his legs draped over the top of the couch. Resting on his stomach was a cooking pot half-filled with what had been a family-sized pack of instant macaroni and cheese, along with a large wooden spoon that Gueira was using to eat it. Meis was seated on the floor below them, playing a video game on the television.
“I don’t want to talk about that,” Lio grumbled. He eyed the mac and cheese and tried to gauge how hungry he actually was. “I wish I could bring you two with me, but you’re still banned from the house after what happened last time.”
“In my defense, my only crime was choosing to love a dangerous man,” Meis said solemnly.
“And in my defense, I didn’t realize that it took so little bourbon to do so much damage,” Gueira said. “Hey, maybe that’s what you need!”
“Bourbon?” Meis guessed.
“Arson?” Lio said wistfully.
“A new problem that’s bigger than the one you already have!” Gueira exclaimed. He spread his arms wide with the revelation, smacking into Lio’s leg. “Remember what you were worried about before I started that fire?”
“Yeah. I had just finished college and was getting a lot of grief about my career, or lack thereof.”
“Right, and what were you worried about after I accidentally started the bourbon fire?”
Lio tapped the top of the bottle thoughtfully against his chin. “Mostly, the bourbon fire.”
“Exactly.”
“That’s a pretty good point, but I’m not going to start another fire in my childhood home. Plus, there was the added benefit of you being the arsonist, so I was only indirectly responsible.”
“So, get someone else to be directly responsible.”
Meis paused his game, having decided that whatever fuckery they were up to was more interesting. “Don’t you have that fuckbuddy--”
“Absolutely not. He’s been dropping hints that he wants to be my boyfriend, but I’m not going to make that kind of commitment to someone who thinks that fried chicken is vegetarian because ‘birds don’t count.’”
“You should try Grindr,” Gueira suggested. “Just pick a dumb hottie to drag around and use as a human meat shield. It’s what your mom’s already doing, right?”
“If you keep comparing me to my mother, you’re going to give me a complex,” Lio groaned and sank further into the couch. “I don’t want to fuck someone for this. I just-- I want a business transaction-type deal-thing, y’know? Like, ‘I will pay you to ruin my family gathering, but I don’t want to see your dick.’ Probably.”
Meis snapped his fingers. “Craigslist.”
“I’m pretty sure there are dicks on Craigslist.”
“I don’t think they do that anymore. It’s, like, frowned upon now.” Meis looked to Gueira for confirmation, but the love of his life was currently sucking cheese off a giant spoon and couldn’t be bothered. So, Meis grabbed his phone and pulled up the website instead. “They took down the Personals section, so… Household Services? No, that looks like pressure washing and stuff.”
“Maybe Creative Services?” Gueira suggested, reading upside down over Meis’s shoulder. “Acting like an asshole counts as an acting job.”
“Too late, I already picked Household,” Lio said, who had moved the bottle to the crook of his elbow and was rapidly tapping his thumbs on his phone. He read aloud as he typed out an advertisement. “‘Seeking professional asshole to ruin--’”
“That’s gonna get flagged,” Meis said.
“Fine.” Lio cleared what he had typed and started over. “‘Seeking fake-date to ruin family gathering. I will pay you to come with me to my parents’ home and ruin the holidays. No, I do not want to see your penis. I just want to see you being a terrible fake boyfriend who causes a ruckus--’”
“Who says ‘ruckus?’” Gueira snorted a laugh.
“I did, fight me!” Lio jabbed at Gueira’s cooking pot with his knee, successfully unbalancing it. Gueira gasped dramatically and scrambled to sit upright so that he could move the pot away from Lio, who continued to narrate as he typed. “‘Meals and separate bedroom will be provided for the duration of the stay. Arsonists need not apply.’”
“That’s hypo- hypa--” Gueira scrunched his face in a frown and pointed the spoon accusingly at Lio. “That’s prejudiced against arsonists.”
“And hypocritical,” Meis added sagely.
“Yeah!”
“I’m not having an arsonist I don’t trust in my home.” Lio quickly tapped out a few more qualifications and finished it off with ‘must love cats.’ “There, posted.”
“What do you wanna do while we wait?”
Lio slowly set his bottle onto the floor and then turned menacingly towards Gueira. “Gimme some of that mac.”
“Boss, nooo!”
It was nearly lunchtime when Lio woke up on the couch. He was still dressed his clothes from yesterday, but someone had thrown a blanket over him. He sat up unsteadily, grimacing at the dull ache in his head as he tried to comb through the hair plastered to one side of his face. Meis and Gueira had already left for work, so Lio hobbled into the kitchen and started a fresh pot of coffee. While the water burbled in the machine, he leaned on the counter and squinted at the notifications on his phone. Apparently, he had received several response emails before his listing was deleted by a moderator. Most of them were, predictably, dick pics, but there was also an email from someone named ‘fireguy49.’
“Oh no,” Lio whispered as a bell of recognition chimed in his mind. He tapped open the message and saw that it was part of a chain. “Oh no.”
00:23 > > Is this a joke or a meme? lol
00:31 << Deadly serious. Obligated family time is no joking matter.
00:35 >> how much are you paying? Here’s my six pack.
There was a picture of fireguy’s torso. His face was out of the frame, but his t-shirt was rolled up to reveal highly defined pectorals and abdominals. Never mind the six pack, Lio counted eight. And was his waist really at thin as it looked?
“What the fuck?” Lio said softly, and then saw that he had already responded with that exact sentiment.
00:36 << what the fuck???
00:37 >> from your post “preference wll be given to candidates with 6 packs, bc bringing a date who is sculpted like a roman god will do addtional psychic damage to my loved ones”
00:40 << indeed I did! good job!!!!
Luckily there weren’t many more messages following that. They had agreed to meet in person at a public place later that afternoon to assess that neither of them was a pervert or a serial killer and said goodnight. Lio groaned and set the phone down on the counter so that he could bury his face in his hands. The coffee maker sputtered unsympathetically.
Technically, he didn’t have to go. He didn’t even have to cancel, he could just not show up, but Lio couldn’t get past his innate curiosity. He wondered what kind of person fireguy49 was and what would actually happen if he paid a stranger to annoy his family. In the worst case scenario they all ended up murdered, but Lio considered himself to be a pretty sound judge of character, even if he didn’t always choose to surround himself with good people.
Ultimately, it was Lio’s love of stirring up trouble that won out. He picked his phone back up from the counter and tapped open the link to the cafe that fireguy wanted to meet at in a few hours.
Lio deeply regretted his decision to arrive early. Even after retrieving his peppermint mocha from the pick-up counter and selecting one of the tables that lined a glass wall, there were still ten minutes remaining until their appointed meeting time. Lio couldn’t help but stare at the other patrons, wondering who among them was hiding a set of washboard abs under their clothes. After he caught one of the baristas frowning at him for being a creep, Lio turned his attention from the cafe to the street outside.
There was another snow flurry and Lio watched the winding descent of falling flakes, melting when they touched the concrete of the sidewalk. The slate gray sky had been threatening snow all week, but the weather remained relatively mild, though it was still colder than Lio liked. Even inside the warmth of the cafe, he kept both his hoodie and fleece-lined bomber jacket on.
A motorcycle parking next to the curb caught Lio’s attention. As the rider lifted his arms to remove his helmet, his shirt and jacket rode up, revealing a thin waist and toned abs. He moved the helmet under one arm and used his free hand to shake out his bright blue hair. When he lifted his head, his eyes met Lio’s through the glass.
Lio wasn’t expecting to recognize his face.
Lio blinked, dumbfounded as he watched the motorcyclist’s expression change from surprise, to confusion, to recognition and a smile grew on his face. He motioned that he was on his way, turning away to walk towards the entrance around the other side of the building.
Holy damn! Lio cast around for the nearest reflective surface and settled on using the side of the paper napkin dispenser. He quickly combed his fingers through his hair before Galo could step through the door, surreptitiously pushing the dispenser back to the edge of the table and picking up his coffee instead. At least, Lio was fairly certain that his name was Galo. Ohgod, was it weird that he remembered the name of someone he had only met once?
The motorcyclist of undetermined name ordered his drink at the counter and was still smiling when he approached Lio’s table. “Hey! I know you, right?”
“Yes!” Lio cleared his throat and motioned for Galo to sit, eagerly pushing the empty chair out with his boot. “Yes, I was in a CPR certification class with you about a month ago.”
“And, just checking,” Galo said as he took the offered chair, “You’re interested in hiring me as a fake boyfriend?”
“That’s right.” Lio stuck his hand out over the table. “Lio Fotia.”
“Galo Thymos.”
A small fanfare played in Lio’s head. Galo’s hand was unexpectedly warm when he took Lio’s in a firm handshake, especially since he hadn’t been wearing gloves.
“I didn’t expect you.” Lio hadn’t meant to say that, but the thought had decided to bypass his social filter before exiting his mouth. “I mean, I didn’t expect someone like you.”
“Like me?”
“Well, you’re a firefighter, right? But also, you were the only person who didn’t send me a dick pic last night, so you seem pretty alright for a guy I just met online.” Lio had assumed that Galo was older than him when they met at the certification class, since he had been one of the instructors, but now he wondered if that was true. Replying to a Craigslist ad for something so ridiculous seemed like the kind of ‘young person bullshit’ that Lio’s family constantly assured him that he would one day grow out of.
“Thanks. You seem pretty alright too, for a guy that made a drunk post about ruining his family’s holiday,” Galo said. He paused to give his attention to a barista who approached their table, carrying Galo’s drink order. Lio drank his own coffee and eyed them critically over the top of his mug, noting that none of the other customers were getting their drinks hand-delivered. If Galo noticed, he didn’t say anything. “So, why are you doing this?”
“My mother has a trophy husband whose age is closer to mine than hers. My siblings and I have endured his presence at family functions for five years now. So, this year, I want you to out-annoy him.”
“What kind of person is he?” For some unknowable reason, Galo had ordered a flavored iced coffee, like it wasn’t already cold enough outside. He removed a chunk of gingerbread that stuck out of the whipped cream and ate it in two bites.
“The genuinely awful kind.” Lio wrinkled his nose distastefully. “The only thing he has going for him is that he hasn’t tried to pretend to be a father figure to my siblings and I. Other than that, he’s a money-hungry pharmacist with no redeeming qualities. He cares more about making a profit than he does about helping people.”
Galo nodded thoughtfully, or as thoughtfully as someone could look while eating a spoonful of whipped cream. “What would I have to do to annoy him?”
“Honestly, pretty much anything. You could wear the wrong shoes to dinner, talk about pop music, imply that universal healthcare is a good idea. You already work in public services, so that’s a good starting point.”
“But your mom must like him for some reason, right?” Galo ventured, but he was met with a dark expression from Lio.
“Why do you want this really weird, super sketchy job?” Lio asked. “Can you actually play a bad boy? No offense, but you seem like you rescue kittens in your down time.”
“I do love cats,” Galo said with a clever smile, referencing Lio’s listing. “I mean, I have rescued cats before, but it’s not a regular thing.”
“Fuck,” Lio said, but fondly.
“And from what you’ve told me about your family, it seems like it won’t be hard to get on their bad side.”
“That’s true. So, what, you’re just looking to make some extra cash?”
“Pretty much,” Galo said with a shrug, “I’ve been picking up odd jobs for a while, but usually just yard work. This will be my first acting role. Plus, there’s free food, right?”
“Right.” Lio couldn’t help but smile. If nothing else, he didn’t want to pass up on a second chance to get to know Galo. “Okay, how about this? The dinner that I very specifically want you to ruin is tomorrow night at my parents’ home. I’ll pay you $200 for that and, depending on how it goes, I’ll invite you to stay the weekend so that you can ruin the rest of our meals, too.”
The way that Galo’s eyebrows raised to meet his hairline indicated that the payout was more than he was expecting. It was also more than Lio had been planning to offer, but he could blame that on being blindsided by the quality of Galo’s six eight pack. “And, just checking, this really isn’t a weird sex thing?”
“I can absolutely guarantee that I don’t want your dick out in my childhood home,” Lio confirmed. “If you decide to stay for the weekend, you’ll be set up in one of the guest bedrooms. My mother will insist on it, since we’re not married.”
“Okay. Anything else I should know?”
“The house is up in the mountains, so it’s about an hour outside of the city by car. But it’s not secluded or anything,” Lio added quickly. “It’s just a small town, so public transit doesn’t reach that far.”
“You’re talking about Dogwood Heights?” Galo guessed. “I’ve been to their fire department. There are a lot of old houses out there.”
“I guess the age of a house would be relevant to a firefighter. So, what do you think?” Lio tried to appear more nonchalant than he felt and took a leisurely sip of his coffee while Galo took a moment to consider the offer.
“Okay,” Galo said with a grin. “Sounds like fun. Where should I meet you tomorrow?”