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“You’re getting Balthy, yeah? And I’ve got Pedro,” said Ben. His girlfriend nodded in response.
“Balth is already on his way over. I told him I needed to show him something. I was super vague, and he didn’t even question it. Did you text Pedro?” she asked.
“He thinks I’m making him watch Game of Thrones with me. He might actually like this better.” He snorted. “We used to be idiots like them, didn’t we?”
Bea smiled. “I almost miss it.” She took his hand and squeezed it. He squeezed back. “I think we’re still idiots, but you’re my idiot, and I’m your idiot. We weren’t able to say that before.”
“Hey, this is going to work,” he reminded her.
“Oh, I know it’s going to work,” she said confidently. “Pedro and Balth are perfect for each other, they’re just idiots. And they need other idiots to remind them how to not be idiots. Anyway, Balthy should be here soon. Plan’s all set?” asked Bea.
“Plan’s all set,” Ben confirmed. “But I think we’ve got a few minutes, if you want to… pass the time.”
She smirked. “Yeah, I suppose you’ve had worse ideas.”
When Balthazar walked into the room a few minutes later, he found his two friends making out on Ben’s bed. They sprung up when they heard him enter. A brief look between them set their plan into action.
“Bea, what was it you needed to show me?” he asked.
“Right, yeah, um, it’s this way.” She leaned in to kiss Ben once more and he pressed the bathroom key into her palm. They broke away smiling and she led Balthy out the door and down the hall. “So it’s right in here,” she told him when they reached the bathroom door.
“Beatrice. That’s a bathroom.”
“Well done, Balthazar, good observation. Now get in.”
“What?” Catching him off guard, she shoved him in the small bathroom and slammed the door. He struggled against the door and rattled the handle. She triumphantly turned the key and the lock clicked.
“Bea, what the hell?” he shouted.
“I’m sorry, Balth, but it’s got to be this way! Everything will make sense soon. Just listen to me, okay? The bathtub in there. It’s clean. See, there are a bunch of pillows in it. Just… sit in the tub. Sit in the tub and wait. This is the only way.”
“The only way for what? This better not be what I think it is!” he yelled. “Beatrice Duke, when I get out of here, you’d better run!”
She chuckled. Tiny ukulele-playing Balthazar Jones was less than intimidating. Bea walked back down the hall and back to Ben’s room.
“Benedick, have you heard from Pedro?”
“He’s a couple minutes away. Bless him, he’s bringing a pizza,” was his response. “Balth is pissed?”
“Of course he is. He’s totally on to us. Joke’s on him, though. If he wants to prevent Pedro from coming over, he’s going to have to call him, and at the very least they’ll end up talking. We basically win either way.”
“Pedro’s going to be pissed,” he reminded her.
“Yeah, well, he and Balthy are being idiots. They’re fighting over nothing. We’re just going to show them that. And we’re going to do it by locking them in a bathroom,” said Bea. “We’re meddling, but in a good way. Team Love Gods, and all that.”
“Team Love Gods,” he smiled.
There was a knock on the door. “Put your pants back on, guys,” called Pedro. “Is it safe to come in?”
“Yeah, man. Get in here,” shouted Ben.
Pedro walked in and flopped down on the bed. “I put pizza in the kitchen, because I know your weird food rules. Ready to watch this?”
“Just a minute, actually, I have to show you something. It’s really cool. Follow me?” said Ben as he pulled his friend out the door. They stopped in front of the same bathroom in which Balthazar was currently locked. “It’s really cool but I can’t explain it, you have to see it for yourself. We have to keep it in the bathtub for now.” He unlocked the door with steady hands. “Go on in.”
He swung the door open a bit and jumped on Pedro, trying to force him into the room. Balthazar looked up from his seat in the bathtub, but was too startled to jump out of the tub before Benedick forced the door closed again. He turned the lock. Muffled protests rang through the door.
“What the hell is this? Benedick Hobbes, I am going to kill you!” yelled Pedro. “You scheming ass!”
“Man, I swear, it’s for your own good.” He turned and called into his room. “Beatrice!” In a flash she was by his side.
“Here, I made you guys some instructions. Follow these and you’ll be fine.” She slid the sheet of paper under the door.
“Step one: sit in bathtub,” read Pedro indignantly. “Step two: communicate. Bea, I’m going to kill you, too. This isn’t your fight! It’s mine and his, and you have no right!”
“Team. Love. Gods,” reminded Ben. “You literally created a huge lying scheme to get us to fall in love. This is your payback. The two of you are so good together, and I don’t even know why you’re fighting. Bea and I have found that sitting in a bathtub allows us to communicate better, and that’s what you need. Communication is key,” he lectured.
“It’s essential,” added Bea. “You have no idea how many problems could be solved by communication. You have to at least try. So what you’re going to do is sit in the bathtub together, and talk. You’re going to communicate your feelings until you come to an agreement. And Ben and I are going to make out and eat pizza. Maybe we’ll save you some. Maybe not.”
“So, communicate. We’ll come back in a bit,” finished Ben.
“You two are the worst,” said Pedro.
“I think I liked it better when you hated each other,” added Balth.
“Not our problem!” Bea said. “Bye!” She and Benedick raced down to the kitchen, laughing. As promised, the next half hour involved pizza and making out. They heard nothing from upstairs: no raised voices, no broken sinks. At the end of thirty minutes, the happy couple climbed the stairs to check on their friends’ progress. Bea knocked on the door.
“Pedro? Balthazar? Anything?” she asked quietly. “Listen, I want you to get out of the bathroom as much as you both do, but we can’t let you out until you’ve at least talked about it. I know confronting feelings is terrible and uncomfortable and bleugh, but it’s important and we care about you. We didn’t want to have to keep you both hostage in a tiny bathroom, but it worked for us. Have you talked things over?”
Pedro’s voice came through the door a little muffled. “Actually, I think we’ve straightened things out. Can we get out of here, please?” He didn’t sound like he was lying, but who was sure? Bea wasn’t. Ben wasn’t. They put their heads together and had a whispered conference. Pedro and Balthazar waited, presumably still smushed into the bathtub.
“Pedro?” Bea said. “Here’s what we’re going to do. Benedick and I, being kind, trusting souls, are going to open this door. If you and Balthazar have truly come to an agreement on your feelings, you’re free to go. If you just lied to us, you are free to go. But this will not be over.” Her voice darkened. “We will come for you when you least expect it. We will not hesitate to kidnap you and ukulele boy again, and again, and again, until you are either back together, or broken up with dignity. Is that a deal?”
“Uh, yeah,” stuttered Pedro.
“Balthazar? Do we have a deal?” she asked him.
“Of course, but Bea… Ukulele boy?” he asked. She grimaced.
“You’re a boy, and you play ukulele. Ukulele boy. Shush. Ben, will you do the honors? Unlock the princes of Messina.”
He patted his pockets. His eyes widened slightly as he patted his pockets again, shoving his hands in each one to make sure the key wasn’t in there. He swore softly. “Bea, I think the key’s downstairs. Come look with me.”
Beatrice’s eyes widened to match his, but her know-it-all smile remained constant. “You’re an idiot. Let’s go.” Raising her voice, she called, “Pedro, Balth, hold on a minute. My ridiculous boyfriend left the key in the kitchen.” They jogged down the stairs. Bea searched through piles of paper and newspaper on the table. Ben searched the spotless floor. Neither of them had any luck.
“They’re going to kill us,” sang Ben. “Got something we can use to pick the lock?”
“Actually, I do. In my purse. In your room. I’ll go look.” She dashed back up the stairs. Digging through her purse, she produced a black hairpin. Ben, who had followed her up the stairs, spoke from behind her.
“Ever picked a lock before?” he asked.
“Eh, once or twice,” she responded nonchalantly. She strutted down the hall again to the bathroom. By the time Ben caught up with her, the lock had clicked. “Okay, so maybe more than twice. Don’t ask,” she said.
He grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her out of the way.
“They might be pissed,” he whispered. “You’re too cute to take a beating.” She made a face and rolled her eyes.
“Pedro, you can come out now!” she yelled to him. Ben looked at her and they both started laughing. “Come out, pshhh” laughed Bea. “Okay, sorry for making jokes about your sexuality after locking you in a bathroom for an extended period of time,” she said to the angry boys who had appeared in front of her. They looked flushed and indignant, but they were holding hands. All four of them stared down at the boys’ joined hands.
“Bathtub therapy’s a pretty awful idea, I’m not going to lie,” said Pedro, “But I guess it worked. So… thanks.”
Beatrice and Benedick smiled at each other. “Team Love Gods!” cheered Ben, and he put his hand up for a high-five.
“Team Love Gods!” Bea cheered back. They high fived.
“So, we’re going to, like… leave now, unless you have another confined space you want to lock us in?” said Balthazar.
“Nah, you’re good to go. We’re proud of you,” said Ben.
Pedro and Balthazar practically sprinted out the door.
Beatrice and Benedick spent the afternoon hanging out together, as they usually did. They spent a good long time celebrating their success. Late in the afternoon they were laying on the couch together, watching Game of Thrones and bantering. “You know,” said Ben,” We’re pretty good at this Love Gods thing. I think we could make this a thing. Like, bathtub therapy for our friends? We could be couples therapists.”
Bea nodded solemnly. “You’re weird.”
“What? We could do it, is all I’m saying. We’re a good team.”
She snuggled further into his chest. “We are a good team.”