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When Thor asked Tony if he wanted to go out for dinner, Tony initially thought nothing of it. Thor, after all, tends to eat a hell of a lot, and he still didn’t own any American currency of his own. Or any Earthly currency at all, come to think of it. Usually he would make do with raiding the fridge – thank god for JARVIS’ ability to get the fridge restocked on the daily – but Tony couldn’t blame the guy for wanting a change.
So, you know. Going to a restaurant wasn’t that weird.
Neither was the way Thor leaned over the table—he wasn’t all that big on human definitions of personal space, either. Tony was used to the way Thor liked to clap his shoulder, or slide his hand along the nape of Tony’s neck. It wasn’t weird.
What was weird, however, was the text he received from Rhodey the following morning—because apparently photos had been taken of Tony’s outing with Thor, and Rhodey appeared to be under the impression that…
Well.
“What. The. Hell.”
“It would seem that the tabloids have reported that you are in a relationship with Mr Odinson, Sir.”
“Yes, thank you JARVIS, I can see that much. I’m just confused as to why?”
Instead of giving a verbal answer, JARVIS pulled up several news sites– though, of course, labelling them as such was an insult to real news everywhere. They were tabloids, the kind that Tony had learned to avoid from a fairly young age.
Tabloids splashed with a photograph of Tony and Thor having dinner and, due to the angle, seemingly kissing over the table.
“What the hell,” Tony said again. “Actually, scratch that– what the fuck? How– what—”
“Sir,” JARVIS said. “I have Colonel Rhodes on the line. He’s asking me to tell you that he demands to know the details, as is his right as your best friend.”
Tony groaned, and buried his face his hands.
This was not going to be fun.
—
You know what? Being in an (admittedly fake) relationship with Thor was actually incredibly amusing.
Thor, after all, was one of the more attractive members of the team (not that Tony had considered such things, of course) and he was one of the public’s favourite. That meant Tony got asked all kinds of fun questions, and making up answers to them was some of the best entertainment he’d had in years.
So yeah, people thinking that he was with Thor was kind of fun—
At least, it was– until Tony got his first sight of Loki.
The Trickster had been living with them in the tower for a few months, having just shown up one day with a declaration that he was bored of being a villain and willing to exchange his services for protection from Asgard. The team had been rather understandably suspicious at first, but Thor immediately vouched for Loki and stated that if Loki did anything to endanger the team, Thor would make sure he was locked up in Asgard and wasn’t able to come back to Midgard ever again.
Loki looked oddly put out by that threat. Not enough to garner trust, but enough for Tony to grudgingly offer room and board.
Tony was still a little confused as to how Thor had been so sure that Loki wouldn’t do anything, but as it turned out, Thor had been right regardless. Loki hadn’t done anything nefarious at all. He hadn’t even so much as switched the lids of the salt and sugar containers.
That was also weird—
As was the way his expression twisted when he saw Tony and Thor sitting next to each other on the couch, giggling over the latest theory about how they got together. (Tony had to be honest– the thought that he could be bribed with alien coffee actually probably wasn’t that far off.)
Loki was already half-turned away when Thor called out his name, but he paused at the sound, the line of his shoulders harsh and jagged.
“Why don’t you join us, Loki?” Thor asked. “There are some excellent theories here. Though of course, none are close to the truth.”
Loki seemed to hiss, and when he turned, his eyes were almost glowing with annoyance.
Tony winced. “What’s up with him?” he asked– quietly, and intending for only Thor to hear.
“Oh, he’s just jealous,” Thor replied– not quietly at all.
Tony supposed that the answer itself made sense– Loki was probably used to having his brother’s attention all to himself, and a few months was surely not enough to grow accustomed to sharing him after literal centuries. But it was the way Thor said it. Loud and almost– mocking. Tony couldn’t see why.
Although, if his intention had been to get a rise out of Loki, then he certainly met his goal.
Tony’s faced Loki multiple times on the battlefield. He’s seen the guy after being woken up at 5am by one of JARVIS’ most blaring alarms. He’s seen magic spit from angry eyes and rage curl around clawed fingertips in the form of sparking green, and Tony knew that Loki could look terrifying.
But none of that could compare to the pure fury that rolled off Loki now.
“Brother,” Loki spat, the word laced with more hatred than Tony had ever thought possible. “What are you doing with Anthony?”
Looking at Loki then, Tony would have thought that even the strongest of warriors could only have cowered.
Thor merely smiled.
“Brother,” he replied, the word sounding so very much lighter from his lips that surely it couldn’t have been the same one Loki had spoken. “Is there a reason why you don’t want me to be with Anthony?”
“Why are you doing this?” Loki snarled. “You know the way that I—”
Loki stopped himself, suddenly enough that Tony almost felt the whiplash. But even more jarring than the sudden halt was the way that Loki’s bravado all but melted away in an instant. His shoulders slumped, his expression crumpled—
And Thor seemed to have absolutely no sympathy, nor any inclination to stopping in his honestly rigorous assault.
“I know the way that you what?” Thor prodded. “Come on, Loki. Speak your mind.”
“I feel like there might be a bit of a misunderstanding here,” Tony said, rather unsure of exactly what was going on but feeling the needed to point this out anyway. “Loki, Thor and I are—”
“Thinking of getting married,” Thor interjected, accompanying the words with one of the brightest grins Tony had seen his life.
“What?” Tony yelped. “Thor, what’re you—”
“No,” Loki snarled, viciousness back with a vengeance. “That’s—Thor, you can’t, you’ve never shown any interest—”
“Why can’t I?” Thor asked. “What gives you the right tell me that I can’t marry Tony?”
“Because you know that I wanted him first!”
Tony blinked. It felt like he’d been punched in the gut—but, somehow, the feeling wasn’t entirely all bad. Just. Overwhelming.
Confusing.
“Uh, what?” Tony asked, his eyes widening as a sudden explosion of dots began to connect together in his head.
“Oh, brother,” Thor said, lurching out of his seat to throw his arms around Loki, squeezing him so tight that Loki’s feet were almost lifted off the floor. “I am so proud of you!”
“I am confused,” Tony said.
“And I am going to murder you,” Loki growled—but then, Tony might have been mistaken about the exact wording. Loki’s voice was a little muffled, due to the way his face was rather forcibly smushed against Thor’s shoulder.
Thor let go after a few seconds, but the brightness of his expression did not abate.
“Get off me,” Loki hissed, shoving Thor further away. “What gave you the right to—”
“Well,” Thor interrupted, not looking in the slightest bit intimidated or ashamed of himself. “Remember when we were little? And you didn’t want to spar with me?”
Tony didn’t think he’d ever seen anyone cover as many corners of the colour spectrum as Loki’s face did in that moment, from white to red to purple in a matter of milliseconds.
“Thor,” Loki said, his expression murderous. “You did not.”
“Are you complaining?” Thor asked. “I’d say this turned out rather well for you.”
“I think I want to know the story here,” Tony said, unable to help looking back and forth between them as if he were watching a particularly intense tennis match.
“Well—”
“Thor, do not—”
“Loki never used to want to join in for sparring practice, mainly because the others were not very nice to him but I always wanted someone who would actually provide a challenge—”
“Thor—”
“But Loki would never join. So, once, I stole his knives and said that if Loki wouldn’t fight, I would at least let his blades have a piece of the action—”
“Stop this instant—”
“And Loki couldn’t stand the thought of me taking what was his, and he appeared upon the sparring field before Sif and I had thrown the first blows. It was one of the best fights I’d had in centuries—”
“Now that is a lie, we were children—”
“Yes, the first time, but this happened more than once. Tony, my brother is clever and sharp minded but if you ever want to manipulate him, you only need to catch hold of his jealous streak.” Thor gave a frankly stunned yet increasingly amused Tony a bit of a wink. “So of course, the moment I noticed the way my brother was staring at you, I knew that the situations were exactly the same. He was too scared to make a move, so I all I needed to do was make it first.”
“Thor.” Loki’s hand was making a dangerous move toward the pocket Tony knew contained multiple knives. “I suggest you leave now.”
Thor seemed to consider his options for a moment. Then he turned to Tony, his attempt at a saddened expression ruined somewhat by the glee in his eyes.
“My friend,” Thor said with a heavy, and rather dramatised sigh. “I am sorry to say that we might need to end this relationship of ours.”
Tony couldn’t resist. “I’ll miss it.”
Thor’s smile widened, and when he replied it was in a near sing-song. “Good luck.” And when he left the room, he almost looked like he was skipping.
That just left the two of them. Tony and Loki, swimming in the awkwardness of what Thor had revealed and the remnants of Loki’s anger.
Really, there was only one thing Tony could have possibly done.
“So,” he said, arching a brow at Loki. “You wanted me first, huh?”
One of Loki’s knives slammed into the back of the couch, about an inch from Tony’s left ear.
Tony just grinned.